All language subtitles for Cupid s01e02_English

(horns honk)

IT'S QUINOA, JOAN.

I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE
THE INSIDE OF A BEANIE BABY,

BUT IT'S JAMMED WITH PROTEIN.
I FINISHED MY COUNSELING
SESSIONS FOR THE DAY,

AND I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING
TONIGHT,

IF YOU NEED AN EXTRA HAND
IN THE KITCHEN.
I'M NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT

ASKING OUR VOLUNTEER
PSYCHIATRIST TO PEEL POTATOES.
TREVOR,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR
ROMANTIC EVENING WITH KEVIN

BEFORE HE GOES TO AFRICA?

HE'S GETTING ON A PLANE
IN THREE HOURS.
WHO'S KEVIN?

KEVIN KEVIN. YOU KNOW, KEVIN?
HUMANITARIAN KEVIN,
STATUE-OF-DAVID-ASS KEVIN?

LOOK HE'S AT THE FUND-RAISER
AT THE MUSEUM EIGHT BLOCKS AWAY,

WHICH IS WHERE YOU SHOULD BE.
THEN HE'S GETTING IN A CAR

AND HE'S GOING TO THE AIRPORT.
WE ONLY GOT, LIKE, 20 MINUTES.
20 MINUTES FOR WHAT?

I MEAN, HOW DO YOU TWO
EVEN KNOW EACH--

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
CAN YOU WIG OUT
IN, LIKE, AN HOUR?

I'M ON A TICKING CLOCK HERE.
I BROUGHT RILEY
TO ONE SINGLES GROUP.

I EVEN MADE SURE
SHE DIDN'T SIT NEAR YOU.

I THOUGHT THE "NO MATCHING
MY FRIENDS" RULE WAS A GIVEN.
I-I CAN'T DO IT.

(woman) DRAG HER OUT, TREVOR.
HE WANTS YOU TO GO TO AFRICA
WITH HIM.

(scoffs)
HE--HE WANTS ME
TO GO WITH HIM?

LOOK, RILEY, I KNOW
YOU'VE BEEN BURNED BEFORE,

BUT I'M TELLING YOU,
THIS GUY IS THE REAL DEAL.

OKAY.

(grunts) OH!
(laughs)

OKAY, MAYBE WE SHOULD
TAKE A DEEP BREATH

AND JUST THINK ABOUT THIS
FOR A MINUTE.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO RUN OFF
TO AFRICA WITH SOME GUY?

WELL, IT'S JUST A WEEK,
AND HE'S NOT "SOME GUY."

HE'S AN INTERNATIONAL
RELIEF WORKER.

I'M SURPRISED THE GUY
HASN'T BEEN KNIGHTED.
TREVOR MET HIM AT TRES EQUIS,
AND THEN WE HIT IT OFF.

IT'S BEEN
THIS 3-WEEK WHIRLWIND.
3 WEEKS? I'VE NEVER
EVEN HEARD YOU MENTION HIM.

BECAUSE EVERY TIME
I BRING UP MY LOVE LIFE,

YOU POINT OUT
THAT I'M REENACTING

A CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP WITH
A NARCISSISTIC FATHER FIGURE

OR--OR EXPOSING
DEEP-SEATED TRUST ISSUES.
THAT DOES SOUND LIKE YOU.

IT'S LIKE TRYING
TO GO TO DINNER

WITH YOUR WEIGHT WATCHERS
GROUP LEADER.
MAYBE THIS IS WHY
YOU DON'T HAVE GIRLFRIENDS.

CLAIRE HAS GIRLFRIENDS.
I'M ONE OF THEM.

SOMETIMES, THOUGH,
I JUST NEED SOMEONE SUPPORTIVE

MORE THAN I NEED
EXPERT ADVICE.

COME WITH US.
I WANT YOU TO MEET HIM.

LET'S GO! LET'S GO! GO! GO!

(brakes squeal)

(British accent)
YOU'RE HERE.

I-I WAS WORRIED
I WAS JUST A LARK TO YOU.

ANYTHING BUT.

BEHOLD MY DIVINE HANDIWORK.

(camera shutter clicking)
WHAT THE H--

WHO ARE YOU?

NICK KAZARIAN,
BOWERY INVESTIGATIONS.

CONGRATULATIONS, MR. COLLIER.
YOU JUST HAD YOUR PICTURE TAKEN

BY THE BEST P.I.
IN THE TRISTATE AREA.

YOUR WIFE HIRED ME
TWO WEEKS AGO,

CALLED ME ALL THE WAY
FROM LONDON.

GUESS THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME
THIS HAPPENED. CHEERIO.

REMIND ME AGAIN--

YOU BELIEVE
YOU'RE THE GOD OF WHAT?

♪♪

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?
IT'S COMPLETELY IRRESPONSIBLE!
HOW DO YOU NOT SEE
HOW HORRIBLE I FEEL?

I COULDN'T FEEL WORSE
IF I WERE IMPALED ON SOMETHING.

WELL, I SAY
LET'S TEST THAT THEORY.
I KNOW THIS IS
GONNA COME AS A SHOCK.

THE OTHER PEOPLE
IN THE WORLD WHO ARE NOT YOU

MAKE MISTAKES.
IF YOU STOP AND THINK,
EVEN FOR A MILLISECOND--

I DID PAUSE TO THINK
THIS TIME, WHICH I NEVER DO.

YOU KNOW, SOMETHING FELT
A LITTLE... WONKY.

WONKY?
YEAH. YOU KNOW,
IT LOOKED SO GOOD ON PAPER.

STILL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
LESSON LEARNED--OBEY THE GUT.
THAT IS NOT THE LESSON.

THE LESSON IS
TO STOP INTERFERING.

CAN YOU GET A ROOM ALREADY?
GOD!

FIGHTING IS ANOTHER SIGN
OF ATTRACTION, YOU KNOW?

SHE TALKS ABOUT IT
IN HER BOOK.

WELL, ACTUALLY, THAT'S
A SIMPLIFICATION. WHAT I SAID--

CLAIRE, I HAVE JUST BEEN
ROMANTICALLY BITCH-SLAPPED,

AND NOW THERE ARE PICTURES OF ME
MAKING OUT WITH A MARRIED MAN

OUT THERE, IN THE WORLD.

SAINT KEVIN--

HE ALREADY OFFERED ME QUADRUPLE
FOR THE PHOTOS,

AND I TURNED HIM DOWN.
WE WERE HOPING
TO EXPLAIN THE SITUATION.

YOU KNOW,
MAYBE YOU CAN HELP US OUT.

YEAH, I'M NOT REALLY
WHAT YOU CALL A HELPER.
MY FRIEND'S
AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER.

SHE DIDN'T KNOW KEVIN
WAS MARRIED.
I FIGURED AS MUCH,

BUT MAYBE SHE SHOULD HAVE DONE
A LITTLE LESS HAND-HOLDING

AND A LITTLE MORE
RING FINGER-CHECKING.

THE GUY'S GOT
A TELLTALE TAN LINE.
WHEN DID YOU SEE US
HOLDING HANDS?

WELL, HIS WIFE HIRED ME
TWO WEEKS AGO.

I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU, THOUGH.
NO MONEY SHOT UNTIL TONIGHT.
YOU KNEW
I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS MARRIED,

AND YOU JUST--YOU WATCHED ME
GET REELED IN?

YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN ME
A HEADS-UP.
WHAT DO YOU THINK TONIGHT WAS?

I MEAN, DO YOU THINK I MAKE IT
A HABIT OF INTRODUCING MYSELF

TO PEOPLE I'M PHOTOGRAPHING?
OH, SO YOU WAITED
UNTIL YOU GOT YOUR MONEY SHOT

TO BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING.
WHAT ARE WE, GIRLFRIENDS?

IT'S NOT REALLY THE NATURE OF
MY JOB TO PROTECT THE MISTRESS.
"OH, I WAS
JUST DOING MY JOB"--

IS THAT WHAT YOU TELL YOURSELF
WHEN YOU TRY TO SLEEP AT NIGHT?
NO, TO GET TO SLEEP,

I USE THE SAME TOOLS
EVERY OTHER P.I. USES--

BOURBON AND PHONE SEX.
NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT,

"I WAS JUST DOING MY JOB"
IS THE LAST THING I HEAR

BEFORE NODDING OFF.
THAT IS REPULSIVE.

REALLY? GREAT.
DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE LEAVING?
GOD, DID YOU GET BEAT UP,

LIKE, EVERY DAY IN HIGH SCHOOL?
I SWEAR, THE SECOND

YOUR MOUTH OPENS,
MY FISTS CLENCH. OH, MY GOD.

SHOULDN'T YOU GO ROLL
YOUR LITTLE ANGER BALL

OVER TO THE GUY
WHO ACTUALLY SCREWED YOU OVER?
YEAH, I-I DON'T KNOW

WHAT THE HELL AN ANGER BALL IS,
BUT I WANT TO THROW IT AT YOU.
LOOK, IT DOESN'T MATTER
IF I GIVE YOU THE PHOTOS.

I ALREADY SENT THE JPEGs
TO YOUR BOYFRIEND'S WIFE.
WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU DIDN'T WASTE ANY TIME.

ACTUALLY, THIS RIGHT HERE--
HUGE WASTE OF TIME.
WILL YOU TWO
GET A ROOM ALREADY?

IF HE'S ALREADY MAILED
THE PICTURES,

THEN WE'RE DONE HERE...

UNLESS THE TWO OF YOU
ARE ENJOYING YOURSELVES.

(door closes)

YOU KNOW,

MY DAD PROPOSED TO MY MOM
AT A YANKEES GAME.

HOW MUCH WOULD YOU TAKE
FOR THIS?

I THOUGHT YOU THROWING
YOUR PARENTS A PARTY

WAS THE ANNIVERSARY GIFT.
YEAH, BUT I FEEL LIKE
I GOTTA GIVE 'EM

SOMETHING ON TOP OF THAT.
IT'S THEIR 40th.
40th IS RUBY, NOT BASEBALL.

(chuckles)
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOUR PARENTS HAVE BEEN

HAPPILY PAIRED UP FOR 40 YEARS,
YET YOU LOOK LIKE A MONK.

YEAH, I'M SAVING MYSELF
FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL.
HELLO? CAN I GET A DRINK?

SORRY. NORMALLY OUR LOVELY,

YET VICIOUS AND VINDICTIVE
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES

HANDLE TABLE SERVICE.

AND HERE I THOUGHT
I WAS SPECIAL.

SPECIAL, HUH?

(chuckles)

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M SORRY,
BUT I COULDN'T HELP

BUT NOTICE THAT
YOU'RE NOT WEARING A RING.

NOW IF I MIGHT BE SO BOLD,
WHAT'S YOUR TASTE IN MEN?

LESS BOLD.

PERFECT.
(mouths word)

NO THINKING, JUST MATCHING.
NO THINKING, JUST MATCHING.

HEY, BOSS.

WOMAN AT TABLE NINE SAYS
SHE WANTS TO SPEAK TO THE OWNER.

(groans)
I... (mutters)

HI. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

CAN YOU TURN INTO A DRY MARTINI
AND TAKE A SEAT RIGHT HERE?

EXCUSE ME?

I'D LIKE A DRY MARTINI,
UP WITH A TWIST.

(chuckles) I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT
YOU WANTED TO SEE THE OWNER.

I WANTED TO SEE
SOMEONE GET ME A DRINK.

IF IT HAS TO BE YOU,

I CAN PROBABLY FIND A WAY
TO DEAL WITH THAT.

(chuckles)

IS THAT
A VODKA MARTINI OR...

HEY.

I WANT MY BASEBALL.

UH, IT'S THURMAN MUNSON'S
BASEBALL.

HE WROTE HIS NAME ON IT.

OKAY.

THE P.I. TRACKED ME DOWN.

WELL, YOU WERE WEARING
THE NAME OF THE BAR

ON YOUR SHIRT YESTERDAY,
SO CLEARLY YOU WANTED TO SEE ME.

I HAPPENED TO NOTICE
YOUR SCREENSAVER.

THOSE WERE SOME LOVINGLY SHOT
IMAGES OF RILEY.

SO I DON'T MEET
THAT MANY SEXY SOCIAL WORKERS

IN MY LINE OF WORK.
THEN I SAY EMBRACE
YOUR GOOD FORTUNE.

YOU TWO HAD A REAL SPARK.
LOOK, I MAKE MY LIVING

CHRONICLING THE DISINTEGRATION
OF HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

MONOGAMY IS FUTILE,

LOVE NEVER LASTS,

AND MARRIAGE IS
AN ARCHAIC INSTITUTION

DOOMED TO FAILURE.

(pats counter)
YOU HAVE A NICE DAY.

WAIT.

DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE OPPOSED
TO DOING A GIRL A FAVOR?

I'M SORRY YOU DIDN'T FEEL YOU
COULD TALK TO ME ABOUT KEVIN.

MM. THE SAD THING IS IT WOULDN'T
HAVE MATTERED IF I DID.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE WOULD HAVE
BEEN YOU SAYING "I TOLD YOU SO."

THANK YOU
FOR STAYING THROUGH DINNER.
I DON'T WANT TO SAY
"I TOLD YOU SO."

I JUST WANT TO BE A FRIEND,

A NORMAL, NON-RELATIONSHIP
EXPERT FRIEND

WHO YOU CAN DO REGULAR
GIRLFRIEND STUFF WITH.

WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT GETTING
TOGETHER OUTSIDE OF THE CENTER,

AND WE NEVER DO.
YEAH, I GUESS WE NEVER DID TAKE
THOSE NIA DANCE CLASSES, DID WE?

OR TRAIN FOR THAT HALF MARATHON,
WHICH WE COULD STILL DO.

I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
TOMORROW MORNING, 6:00 A.M.?

WE CAN EVEN START
FROM YOUR PLACE.
OKAY, BUT WE'RE MAKING A PACT
TO NOT TALK ABOUT MEN.

DONE. D-O-N-E.

(laughs)

THIS IS THE POLISH.
THIS IS THE RUSSIAN.

MM...

OKAY. TASTE THE RUSSIAN.

ARE YOU TRYING
TO GET ME DRUNK?
OH, COME ON.
IT'S BARELY A SIP.

I'M DOING IT, TOO,
AND I'M WORKING.

♪♪

THAT'S THE SAME ONE
I JUST TASTED.

OKAY.

YOU CAN TASTE THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN TOP-SHELF VODKA
AND THE CHEAP STUFF.

I APOLOGIZE
FOR EVER DOUBTING YOU.

(laughs)
SO WHAT BROUGHT YOU
TO MY FINE ESTABLISHMENT?

I'M MEETING MY SON HERE.

HE'S DATING SOMEONE NEW,
AND HE WANTS ME TO MEET HER.

NO WAY YOU HAVE
A LEGAL AGE SON.

SEE FOR YOURSELF.

THAT'S MY SISTER.

CELIA, CAN YOU CHECK ON JOHN
IN THE BACK?

YOU. I SURE HOPE YOU HAVE
A SEMI PARKED OUT FRONT

FULL OF CANNED GOODS
AND DONATED TOYS.

OKAY, YOU LOOK SURPRISED
TO SEE ME.

YOUR FRIEND TREVOR
TOLD ME THAT THIS LATEST GUY

WASN'T THE FIRST TIME
YOU'VE BEEN BURNED BY MEN.

HE SAID YOU WANTED SOME TIPS
FOR SPOTTING THE BAD APPLES.
I-I SAID NO SUCH THING.

MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME.
I'LL JUST GO.

(sighs) WAIT.

HE NEVER ANSWERED HIS CELL PHONE
IN FRONT OF YOU.

YEAH, THAT DIDN'T SIGNAL TO ME
"DEGENERATE PHILANDERER."

THAT SAID "POLITE."

NO ONE'S THAT POLITE.

AND HE ALWAYS PAID WITH CASH
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT HIS WIFE

TO SEE ANYTHING FISHY
ON HIS CREDIT CARD BILL.

I DON'T OFTEN GET
A POST SCREW-OVER PLAY-BY-PLAY

OF WHAT A JACKASS I AM.
I THINK WE CAN AGREE
THAT HE WAS THE JACKASS.

OH. SO IS THIS WHERE YOU TRY
AND MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?

HEY, IF IT DIDN'T HAPPEN
ALL THE TIME,

I WOULDN'T HAVE A JOB, RIGHT?
(laughs)

EXCUSE ME.
WHAT'S THIS?

A RESTAURANT DONATED
SOME TABLECLOTHS,

BUT IF YOU'D PREFER
THE PLASTIC...

NO.

LOOK, UH, I APPRECIATE
THE TUTORIAL,

BUT, UH, MY PROBLEM ISN'T
WITH RECOGNIZING MARRIED MEN.

IT'S THE FIRST TIME
THAT MISTAKE HAS BEEN MADE.

IT'S FINDING AN HONEST MAN.

YOU MEAN THE HONEST MAN.
(laughs)

LOOK, I-I DON'T MAKE THE RULES.
THIS IS BASIC NATURE.

MEN ARE LOOKING
FOR YOUTH AND BEAUTY.

THEY'LL LEAVE THEIR WIVES
FOR IT, ABANDON ENTIRE FAMILIES.

WOW. YOU MIGHT EVEN BE
TOUGHER ON MEN THAN I AM.

NO, NO, NO. I'M AN EQUAL
OPPORTUNITY MISANTHROPE.

THEY'LL DENY IT,
BUT A WOMAN WILL OVERLOOK

JUST ABOUT ANYTHING
FOR A WEALTHY, POWERFUL MAN.

MISS HANES, I MADE THIS FOR YOU
AT THE REC CENTER.

OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU, JESSIE.

SEE? SOMEDAY THAT SWEET GIRL
WILL BREAK A MAN'S HEART

FOR A BIGGER, BETTER OFFER.
WELL, MAYBE SHE'LL BE SMART,
AVOID LOVE ALTOGETHER.

APPARENTLY TODAY'S
FOOD DONATION INCLUDED

THE ENTIRE CHEESE COURSE
FROM BLUE HILL RESTAURANT.

I GOTTA START EATING
IN SOUP KITCHENS MORE OFTEN.

(laughs)

TO JESSIE.

MAY SHE BE SMART
AND AVOID LOVE ALTOGETHER.

HEAR, HEAR.

♪ YEAH, I THINK I'M GOING
OUT OF MY HEAD OVER YOU ♪

GOD,
I CAN'T IMAGINE YOU MARRIED.

(chuckles) WELL...

COULD YOU IMAGINE ME
PAYING ALIMONY ONCE A MONTH

TO A WOMAN WHO LIVES
WITH MY FORMER CAPTAIN?

FORMER CAPTAIN?

YOU WERE A COP?

YES, MA'AM.

SO, UH, YOUR WIFE
AND THE CAPTAIN--

UH, I TAKE IT THEY DIDN'T
HOOK UP AFTER YOUR DIVORCE.

(chuckles) WOULDN'T THAT
HAVE BEEN THOUGHTFUL?
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ I NEED YOU SO BADLY ♪

♪ CAN'T THINK
OF ANYTHING BUT YOU ♪

WHAT'S WITH
THE BUCKET DRUMMING?

I DIDN'T ASK
FOR BUCKET DRUMMING.

BUCKET DRUMMING
ISN'T ROMANTIC.
HE'S NOT OURS.
HE JUST WANDERED IN.

WELL, GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

I DIDN'T JUST SHUCK A POUND
OF OYSTERS FOR MY HEALTH.

I'M CREATING A MOOD HERE.
SACRE BLEU.

♪ ...OVER YOU, DAY AND NIGHT ♪
(laughs)

♪ OUT OF MY HEAD ♪

GOOD CALL ON THE WAFFLES.

YOU SEEM TO REALLY KNOW
YOUR FOOD.

I GOT THAT FROM MY DAD.

HE WAS A COOK?
NO, HE LIKED TO EAT.

(chuckles)

HE WAS ALSO A COP.

AND HIS FATHER
WAS ALSO A COP.

AND HIS FATHER...

HE WAS A THIEF,
BUT AN EXCELLENT COOK.

(laughs)

I BELIEVE AT ONE POINT
HE WAS THE PERSONAL CHEF

TO THE WARDEN OF, UH,
RIKERS ISLAND, ACTUALLY.

MM.
(bell tolling)

YOU SHOULD LET ME
COOK FOR YOU.

ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE UP

FOR LETTING ME
GET MY HEART BROKEN?

YOU'RE NOT HEARTBROKEN.

YOU DIDN'T LOVE HIM.
I COULD TELL,

AND I DIDN'T EVEN NEED
A TELEPHOTO LENS.

ALTHOUGH, TRUE, IT HELPS.

I LIKED HIM.

I BELIEVED HIS INTENTIONS
WERE HONORABLE.

THAT'S THE, UH, THIRD TIME
THAT TOWN CAR HAS PASSED US.

SOME ANGRY HUSBAND
AFTER YOU?

ALWAYS A POSSIBILITY.
(chuckles)

(chuckles)

UH, THIS IS MY PLACE.

YEAH, I KNOW.

RIGHT. (chuckles)

(Claire) RILEY?

AND NOW I MUST KILL TREVOR.

I CAN'T REMEMBER
THE LAST TIME

I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT
BECAUSE I WANTED TO.

HE'S COOKING DINNER FOR ME
TONIGHT.

GO AHEAD. I SHOULDN'T BE
GETTING INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE,

ESPECIALLY A GUY WHO,
YESTERDAY,

I REFERRED TO AS "POND SCUM"
AND SAID LACKED COMPASSION.

I'M JUST A SUPPORTIVE FRIEND,
HAPPY THAT YOU'RE HAPPY.

WOW. YOU'RE GOOD. (laughs)

♪♪

WE NEED TO HAVE A LITTLE CHAT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY,
"I NEED TO YELL AT YOU,"

SO I DON'T GET MY HOPES UP?
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE TRYING
TO MATCH RILEY UP AGAIN.

DID YOU NOT NOTICE HOW HORRIBLY
IT WENT THE LAST TIME?

WHICH IS WHY I'M REALLY BRINGING
MY "A" GAME HERE. I'M ATONING.

SHE HASN'T SAID
MUCH ABOUT IT,

BUT I'VE PICKED UP
ON A FEW THINGS.

SHE'S GOT SOME
REAL TRUST ISSUES.
I THOUGHT YOU'D APPROVE.

LOOK, TWO PEOPLE
WHO DON'T TRUST IN LOVE--

THAT'S A THING IN COMMON--

A RELATIONSHIP MARKER,
IF YOU WILL.

AND I CONSIDER THEIR
COMBATIVE INITIAL ENCOUNTER

SUBLIMINAL SABOTAGE INDICATING
A LATENT ATTRACTION.
YOU'VE BEEN READING MY BOOK?

I'M ON CHAPTER FOUR.
(whispers) IT'S GOOD.
WELL, KEEP READING,

AND YOU'LL SEE THAT
COMBATIVE INITIAL ENCOUNTERS

USUALLY REQUIRE
TRAUMATIC CATHARSIS--

A JUMP OFF A CLIFF--AND MOST
RELATIONSHIPS DON'T SURVIVE IT.

GREAT. CLIFF DIVING--

THAT'S THE SUBTITLE
OF MY BOOK--"BE BOLD."

PLEASE TELL ME
YOU REMEMBER WHAT I DRINK.

I NEVER GET TO SAY,
"I'LL HAVE THE USUAL."

I NEVER FORGET A FACE
OR A DRINK.

YESTERDAY WAS A BIT ODD,
HUH?

YEAH, YEAH.
SMALL WORLD, HUH?

I'VE BEEN CONSIDERING
THE SITUATION.

IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS
SINCE MY DIVORCE,

AND I HAVEN'T MET ANY MEN
WHOSE COMPANY I ENJOYED

AS MUCH AS I ENJOYED YOURS
YESTERDAY.

I WAS UNCHARACTERISTICALLY ON
YESTERDAY.

I'M NORMALLY KIND OF A DUD.

(chuckles)

I THINK WE SHOULD GO OUT.
WE'RE ADULTS.

CORY AND LITA ARE
NEARLY ADULTS.

WHAT'S THE HARM?

OH, MY GOD.

THIS IS WHAT IT SMELLS LIKE
IN MEAT HEAVEN.

IS THIS HOW YOU GET YOUR DATES
TO DO YOUR BIDDING FOR YOU?

ACTUALLY, UH, NO,
I-I NEVER COOK FOR MY DATES.

HONESTLY, UM,
SINCE MY WIFE LEFT ME,

IT'S JUST BEEN ME AND A SERIES
OF FLOOZIES WITH PRIVILEGES,

AND TAKEOUT CHINESE
USUALLY DOES THE TRICK.

IF YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH
FLOOZIES WITH PRIVILEGES,

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE CREATED

A SCREENSAVER
WITH RILEY'S FACE ON IT.

WELL, I WAS A COP
FOR EIGHT YEARS,

THEN A P.I.
FOR THE LAST SIX.

I DON'T MEET
MANY PURE PEOPLE,

MANY GOOD,
REALLY GOOD PEOPLE.

AND LAST NIGHT WAS
JUST SO PERFECT.

YOU KNOW, I...

IT'S WEIRD HOW EVERYTHING
CAME TOGETHER LIKE THAT.

LIKE THE GODS
WERE SMILING UPON YOU.

YEAH. WELL, I'M JUST AFRAID
THAT AFTER LAST NIGHT'S MAGIC,

YOU KNOW,
THINGS ARE GONNA WEAR OFF,

AND SHE'S GONNA COME
TO HER SENSES.

(telephone rings)

(ring, beep)
HEY, IT'S NICK.

HEY, RILEY.

OH.

NO, I-I-I GET IT.
SAY NO MORE.

THINGS COME UP.
WHAT? WAIT. NO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GIVE ME THAT. RILEY, WHAT'S UP?
HEY, TREVOR,
LET HER BACK OUT OF THE DATE

WITH DIGNITY, ALL RIGHT?
(Trevor) OKAY, LISTEN,
WE'RE ON OUR WAY.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HE SAYS HIS NAME
IS TED SMITH.

HE LIVES
WITH HIS DAUGHTER'S FAMILY,

BUT HE CAN'T REMEMBER
HER MARRIED NAME.

HE'S SUFFERING FROM DEMENTIA
AND PROBABLY FORGOT

TO TAKE HIS PILLS AND WANDERED
AWAY FROM HIS HOUSE.
THIS IS EVERYTHING
HE HAD IN HIS POCKET--

A BUS RECEIPT,
SOME COUGH DROPS AND THIS.

IT'S A THANK-YOU CARD
FROM A "BOBBY,"

BUT THERE'S NO LAST NAME
OR ADDRESS.

HMM. YEAH, WE SHOULD BE ABLE
TO GET HIM HOME WITH THIS.

WHO ARE YOU, NOSTRADAMUS?

THERE'S NO ADDRESS,
NO LAST NAME.

NOTICE THE SNOWMAN
HOLDING THE NEWSPAPER?

PAPERBOY GAVE HIM THIS. ALL WE
HAVE TO DO IS CALL THE PAPER

AND FIND OUT BOBBY'S ROUTE.

THEN WHAT?

ALL RIGHT, GANG,
WE KEEP KNOCKING ON DOORS

UNTIL WE FIND SOMEONE
WHO KNOWS HIM.

THIS IS NOT THE SEXY PART
OF DETECTIVE WORK.

(Claire) SO I'M GUESSING
THE CHIPPING IN ON THIS QUEST

WAS YOUR IDEA FOR NICK
TO IMPRESS RILEY?

NOT CHIPPING IN.
HE'S SPEARHEADING.

AND IT'S HIS IDEA,
BY THE WAY.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE SHOULD PROBABLY SPLIT UP.

WE CAN PROBABLY COVER
MORE GROUND THAT WAY.

YOU CAN'T BE LEFT
TO YOUR OWN DEVICES.

YOU'LL GO DOOR-TO-DOOR
TRYING TO FIND TED A GIRLFRIEND

INSTEAD OF FINDING HIM
HIS HOME.

SO YOU THINK
TED'S SINGLE?
(sighs)

SO EVEN A P.I. CAN USE
HIS SKILLS FOR SOMETHING GOOD.

YEAH, RIGHT.
(doorbell rings)

I'LL PAY MY RENT
WITH KARMA POINTS.
(chuckles)

YOU DO A LOUSY IMPRESSION
OF A MISANTHROPE, DETECTIVE.

UH, HI. UM, WE'RE HOPING
YOU MIGHT KNOW THIS MAN?

YEAH, I THINK HE'S, LIKE,
THE DAD OF THE LADY

THAT LIVES NEXT DOOR.

THANKS.
YEAH, THANKS.

OH! THANK GOD.

(children) GRANDPA! GRANDPA!

THERE'S MY KIDS!

(laughs) MM.

(woman) WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I'VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

(Nick) THE PRIME RIB
AND THE SALAD

ARE PROBABLY GONERS, BUT I THINK
I SHOULD BE ABLE TO SALVAGE

THE DESSERT COURSE.
I'M SO SORRY
I RUINED YOUR DINNER.

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T GO
TO TOO MUCH TROUBLE.
AH, NO TROUBLE AT ALL.
NOW WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT?

JUST GIVE ME A SECOND.
OKAY.

HEY, CAN I AT LEAST HELP YOU
WITH SOMETHING?

SO...

THIS IS YOUR VERSION
OF "NO TROUBLE"?

I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

THIS IS A BAD IDEA.

MM, WORST IDEA EVER.

I'M NOT USUALLY
THIS CHATTY.
MM.

I'M ALSO NOT USUALLY
THIS POPULAR.

ARE THEY STARVED
FOR ATTENTION,

OR, UM, IS THE PEPPERONI
I SLIPPED IN MY POCKET

A GOOD CALL?
MM, I THINK
THEY'RE JUST BALLSY.

MY INSTINCT WAS TO JUST
LAY ACROSS YOUR LAP AS WELL,

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE THE NERVE.

OH, UM...

THANK GOODNESS
FOR SECOND CHANCES.

(laughs)
OH, WOW.

THAT--THE DOGS ARE RIGHT.
THAT'S REALLY NICE.
YEAH.

THAT'S A REALLY NICE LAP.

(laughs)

WHAT--WHAT--WHAT IS
THAT SMILE ABOUT, MISTER?

WHAT--THAT?
YEAH.

IT'S REMORSE.
(laughs)

REGRET. I WAS RIGHT.
NO GOOD COULD COME OF THIS.
OKAY.

I SWEAR.
OKAY. (laughs)

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,
BUT...

I FEEL AWFUL.

NEVER FELT WORSE.

OH, GOD. I AM SO LATE.

(groans)

I WISH I COULD STAY, BUT I HAVE
TO GET TO THE CENTER.

YEAH, WELL,
I GOTTA VIDEOTAPE

A CONGRESSMAN
WITH A HOOKER, SO...

(laughs)

I'M ASSUMING THAT WHILE
YOU WERE SURVEILLING ME,

YOU MANAGED
TO GET MY PHONE NUMBER?

I DID.

SO I'LL TALK TO YOU
LATER?

COUNT ON IT.

MM. MM.

(keys jangle)

(door opens)

(door closes)

HEY. SORRY I'M LATE.

AH. BAGGY EYES, BEDHEAD,

THAT "I'VE BEEN MISBEHAVIN'"
SHEEN,

AND IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN...

I BELIEVE THEY CALL THAT TYPE
OF WALK A "SWAGGER."

DON'T YOU DARE
SULLY THE MEMORY

OF LAST NIGHT'S ENCOUNTER

WITH YOUR JUVENILE
INTIMATIONS.

ENCOUNTER?

YOU SOUND LIKE YOU PICKED HER UP
AT AN AIRPORT.

AND BY THE WAY,
JUST SO YOU KNOW,

I CAN GET A LOT MORE JUVENILE
THAN THIS.

BUT... YOU LIKE HER?

YEAH, I LIKE HER.

SAY IT LOUD, SAY IT PROUD.
I BELIEVE IN CUPID!

WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR.
OKAY.

DEFINITELY
WAS A CONNECTION.

SO...

CORY'S MOM SLUNK BACK
IN THE HOUSE

AT AROUND 5:00
THIS MORNING.

WHICH YOU KNOW HOW?
HE CALLED ME.

I WAS AT HOME WORKING ON
THE ANNIVERSARY PARTY R.S.V.P.s,

NOT THAT
IT'S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU
ASKED OUT MY BOYFRIEND'S MOM.

SHE ASKED ME OUT. NOT THAT
IT'S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.

OH, IT IS SO MY BUSINESS.
CORY IS FREAKING OUT.

LOOK, HE'S AN ONLY CHILD.
HE HASN'T EVEN COME TO GRIPS

WITH THE FACT THAT
HIS PARENTS SPLIT UP.
IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS.

YEAH, AND NOW HIS MOM
IS COMING HOME

WITH HER HAIR ALL MUSSED UP.
CORY NEEDS TO GET
HIS OWN PLACE.

HE MOVED BACK HOME BECAUSE
HIS MOM WAS FEELING ALL ALONE

IN HER APARTMENT.
AND I'M SORRY,

BUT ISN'T THE GOD OF LOVE
SUPPOSED TO BE PULLING

FOR MY RELATIONSHIP, TOO?
UH, I MADE THE INTRODUCTION
FOR FELIX.

I GOT A BIT MORE INVESTED.

PLUS, HE'S A LOT NICER TO ME
THAN YOU ARE.

YOU'RE GONNA BLOW THIS
FOR ME, FELIX.

LITA, YOU WALK
ACROSS THE STREET,

AND GUYS FALL AT YOUR FEET.

I DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO LEARN
YOUR BOYFRIENDS' NAMES

BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD
THE RAM.
(sighs)

THIS GUY IS SPECIAL TO ME,
FELIX.

I THINK MIRA
IS PRETTY SPECIAL.

BUT WHAT ARE YOU TO HER?

THINK IT RHYMES
WITH "FREEBOUND"?

(Nick) TREVOR?

GET THAT MAN A DRINK.

HEY.
HEY.

SO... HOW'D IT GO?

THE WAY THE TWO OF YOU
WERE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER

LAST NIGHT IN FRONT OF
TED'S HOUSE WHEN WE LEFT...

GOOD, GOOD. YOU KNOW, RILEY'S,
UH, SHE'S A SWEET GIRL.

CAN I GET A GLASS
OF WHATEVER'S ON TAP?
YOU GOT IT.

SO, UM, HOW DO YOU
KNOW RILEY, ANYWAY?

OH, SHE'S CLAIRE'S FRIEND.
KNOWN HER FOR A WHILE,
THOUGH?

NO, BUT SHE'S, YOU KNOW,
ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE

YOU FEEL CLOSE TO
RIGHT AWAY, YOU KNOW?
YEAH, SHE IS, ISN'T SHE?

YEAH. (chuckles)

I CAN'T BELIEVE A GIRL
LIKE THAT'S STILL ON THE MARKET.

WELL, WAS SHE, UH, SINGLE
WHEN YOU MET HER?

WHAT IS THIS,
BUYER'S REMORSE?

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S WHAT I KNOW
ABOUT RILEY HANES--

WHAT YOU KNOW.

ALL RIGHT?
SHE'S CARING AND KIND.

YEAH, SHE MAY BE,

BUT RILEY HANES HAS ONLY EXISTED
FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS.

I DID A LITTLE DIGGING.

SHE SEEMS TO HAVE ARRIVED
FULLY FORMED INTO THE WORLD

IN 2006--
NO TRACE OF HER BEFORE THEN.

SO THEN
THERE'S A CLERICAL ERROR,

OR THE HALL OF RECORDS
IN HER HOMETOWN BURNED DOWN.

AND SHE'S GOT A THING
FOR MARRIED MEN.

(scoffs) YOU'RE CRAZY.

GRAYSON DAVIS--

OWNS HALF OF BOSTON.

PICKED UP RILEY,
SPENT A COUPLE HOURS

OVER AT THE SOHO GRAND BEFORE
TAKING HER BACK TO HER PLACE.

EXPLAINS HOW A SOCIAL WORKER

AFFORDS A 5 GRAND A MONTH
APARTMENT, RIGHT?

THIS IS WHY SHE WAS SO DESPERATE
TO GET THOSE PHOTOS BACK.

IN MY LINE OF WORK, I SEE
THIS KIND OF THING EVERY DAY.

WELL, YOU SOUND LIKE ONE
OF THOSE MEDICAL STUDENTS

WHO CONVINCES THEMSELF
THEY HAVE LEPROSY.

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT, TREVOR,

OR MAYBE THIS TIME TOMORROW,
I'LL HAVE THE MONEY SHOT.

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

GOT A DONATION
FOR YOU HERE--

OLIVES, MARASCHINO CHERRIES,
A LITTLE BLOODY MARY MIX.
THANKS.

THAT'S SWEET. YOU NEVER KNOW
WHEN THE HOMELESS

MAY WANT TO HOST
A COCKTAIL PARTY.
(laughs)

OH, HEY, DID YOU SEE ME
YESTERDAY?

I SAW YOU
OUTSIDE THE SOHO GRAND.
OH, IT MUST'VE BEEN
SOMEONE ELSE.

I WASN'T AT THE SOHO GRAND.
OH, SURE, YOU WERE GOING
INTO THE HOTEL WITH THAT GUY--

WHAT'S HIS NAME? THE BIG MONEY
GUY--GRAYSON DAVIS.
I'M SUCH AN IDIOT.

UM, THE SECOND YOU SAID
"GRAYSON," I REMEMBERED.

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET
AT THE PENINSULA,

BUT THEN HE CHANGED IT. WE WERE,
UH, MEETING ABOUT A DONATION

HE'S GIVING THE CENTER.
WELL, I'M SURE YOU
CONVINCED HIM TO GIVE A LOT.

YEAH.

(Trevor) I WAS SO SURE
I WAS RIGHT.

NOT A MOMENT'S PAUSE.
JUST--BANG--INSPIRATION.

YOU KNOW, LIKE--IT WAS LIKE
A LOVE LIGHT BULB

WENT OFF OVER MY HEAD,
YOU KNOW?

NICK AND RILEY--
THEY BELONG TOGETHER.

NOW EVERYTHING'S A MESS.

WELL, MAYBE THIS IS SHOWING YOU
THAT IT'S TIME

TO STOP LOOKING
AT YOURSELF AS CUPID.
BUT I AM CUPID.

THAT'S WHY
THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING.

YOU KNOW, THEY CAN'T TEACH THIS,
ALL RIGHT? THERE'S NO MANUAL.

IT'S ALL ME. ALL INSTINCT.

MAYBE THAT JUST GOES AWAY.

TOO MANY YEARS
OF TAKING IT FOR GRANTED.

MAYBE THEY WERE RIGHT.

THEY?

OH.

THE PEOPLE WHO THREW YOU OUT
OF MT. OLYMPUS.

MAYBE I'VE LOST MY GIFT.

SORRY I'M LATE.
ARE YOU IN A BETTER MOOD
THAN YESTERDAY?

MORE REASONABLE?
OH, I'M IN A GREAT MOOD.
COULDN'T BE BETTER.

HMM.
(man) FRESH FLOWERS FOR YOU?

(sighs) OH. THANK YOU.
SO... ABOUT THIS MAN
YOU'RE SEEING--

IT'S OVER. NO MORE.

(Grayson)
I WON'T TOLERATE IT.
(Riley) YEAH. (laughs)

UM, THAT'S--
THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
(shutter clicking)

YOU'RE UNDERESTIMATING
HOW SERIOUS I AM.

YOU'RE DOING A LITTLE
OF THAT YOURSELF.

I-I THINK I LOVE HIM, DAD.

DAD? YES, BABY!

PRISCILLA DAVIS,
YOU'RE NOT TO SEE HIM.

I WON'T DISCUSS IT AGAIN.
"PRISCILLA"?

(horns honk)

(Riley and Nick laugh)

(kisses)
(laughs)

YOU ARE IN
AN EXCEPTIONAL MOOD, NICK.

YEAH, I'M NOT SURE
I CARE FOR IT.

I LIKE MY PRIVATE DETECTIVE
LOVERS LIKE MY EGGS--

HARD-BOILED.

MM.
MM. THOUGH I AM--

I AM COMING AROUND
TO SUNNY-SIDE UP.

(door buzzes)
MM. CHINESE FOOD'S HERE.

WHOA, WHOA,
YOU DON'T HAVE A TOP ON.

YOU DON'T HAVE PANTS ON.

(door opens)

(groans)

(door closes)
NICK?

THESE ARE FROM YESTERDAY.

YOU'RE SPYING ON ME
AGAIN?

IT'S--IT'S THE WAY I AM.
I DON'T TRUST ANYONE.

I-I GOT THE IMPRESSION YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE.

YEAH. I, UM...

I SUPPOSE I COULD EVENTUALLY
GET OVER THE SPYING.

HERE'S THE THING. UH...

I LEFT BOSTON
AND CHANGED MY NAME

BECAUSE I COULDN'T TELL
THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN THE MEN WHO LOVED ME

AND MEN WHO JUST WANTED TO BE
HEIR TO THE FAMILY FORTUNE.

SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW
THE TRUTH ABOUT ME...

I'M SURE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND
WHY I CAN NEVER TRUST YOU.

RILEY.

(door opens)

(sighs)

IF YOU'RE A MORNING DRINKER,

YOU MIGHT WANT
TO POUR YOURSELF SOMETHING.

I'M ALREADY TWO IRISH COFFEES
IN, BUT THANKS.

YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT RILEY.

I ASKED HER ABOUT GRAYSON,
THE TYCOON CHARACTER,

AND SHE LIED TO ME.

I-I KNOW I TALKED YOU
INTO THIS,

SO FEEL FREE
TO THROW SOMETHING AT ME.

THURMAN MUNSON'S
BASEBALL'S HANDY.

OH, BUT NOT IN THE FACE.

NO? MY STOMACH
IS CLOSING IN ON ITSELF

LIKE THE "POLTERGEIST"
HOUSE.
IT'S CALLED GUILT.

WHAT, IS THAT WHAT
THIS IS CALLED? IT'S AWFUL.

YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.

RILEY DIDN'T LIE.

SHE DIDN'T?

THAT SILVER FOX
WASN'T HER SUGAR DADDY.

HE WAS HER DADDY DADDY.

SO I WASN'T WRONG.

MY GUT WASN'T WRONG.

IN YOUR FACE, MT. OLYMPUS
DISCIPLINARY TRIBUNAL!

THE WORST PART IS,
I THINK I LOST HER FOREVER.

IN YOUR FACE, DR. CLAIRE

"MAYBE YOU SHOULD QUIT BELIEVING
IN YOURSELF" McCRAE! (laughs)

GLAD TO SEE YOU DON'T FIND
THE "LOST HER FOREVER" PART

AS DEPRESSING AS I DO.
WAIT. WHAT?

NICK KAZARIAN, P.I.,

WHAT DID YOU DO?

THE CRAZY THING? I KNOW MY DAD
SOUNDS LIKE A VILLAIN

IN ALL THIS, AND, HMM,
MAYBE HE IS.

HE'S RIGHT TO BE WORRIED
ABOUT HIS FORTUNE.

ONE OF HIS BIGGEST FEARS,
HE SAYS,

IS I'LL TAKE
MY INHERITANCE CHECK

AND PUT IT
IN A HOBO'S TIN CUP.

"HOBO"--HIS WORD.
ACTUALLY, THE CHECK PART
DOES SOUND LIKE YOU.

(laughs) HIS OTHER FEAR
IS THAT I'LL MARRY BADLY.

WHEN I WAS, OH, 25,

MY FATHER BEGGED ME TO GO OUT
WITH BRENT CHASE,

THIS YOUNG V.P.
FROM HIS COMPANY.

I EVENTUALLY AGREED
TO AN INTRODUCTION,

AND, UH, SURPRISE, SURPRISE,
WE HIT IT OFF.

HE WAS MY KIND OF GUY--

A MENTOR
TO AN INNER-CITY GANG KID.

HE TAUGHT
ADULT LITERACY CLASSES.

HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM
AT A BREAST CANCER 10-K.

SOMETHING BAD IS ABOUT
TO HAPPEN, ISN'T IT?

BEFORE THE WEDDING,
I DISCOVERED THAT MY FATHER

HAD BASICALLY INVENTED BRANT.

HE, UH, HE COACHED HIM.

HE DIRECTED HIM EVERY STEP
OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.

I WAS ABOUT TO MARRY A MAN

WHO WAS A COMPLETE WORK
OF FICTION.

THAT IS A REMARKABLE STORY.

AH, RICH PEOPLE.

CRAZY, RIGHT?

SO THAT'S WHEN
I CHANGED MY NAME,

LEGALLY.

AND I MOVED HERE,

DETERMINED TO LIVE LIFE
ON MY TERMS.

AND I JUST--I THOUGHT
I SAW SOMETHING IN NICK--

A SWEETNESS BENEATH
THAT SEEN-IT-ALL FACADE. I...

SPEAK, PLEASE.
PERMISSION GRANTED.

AN "I TOLD YOU SO"
IS SO DESERVED HERE.

ALL I WANTED TO SAY
IS THAT SWEETNESS IN NICK--

I SAW IT, TOO.

(knock on door)

MR. KAZARIAN.

I DON'T HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.

WELL, WALK-INS WELCOME.
HAVE A SEAT, MR. DAVIS.

YES, OF COURSE
YOU KNOW WHO I AM.

MY NAME, AFTER ALL,
IS WHY WE'RE ALL HERE.

THIS IS MY LAWYER--
MR. STRATHMORE.

YEAH, I GUESSED.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

ACTUALLY, I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU
WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU.

(Lita) LOWER, TREVOR.

A LITTLE LOWER.
LOWER, A LITTLE LOWER.

LIKE, AN INCH LOWER.
LIKE--LIKE ANOTHER INCH?

WELL, ANOTHER INCH.
UGH, YOU WENT TOO FAR DOWN.

GO BACK UP.
I HOPE CORY FINDS THIS
ROMANTIC,

BECAUSE YOU'RE KILLING
THE MOOD FOR ME.
DUDE.

CORY'S COMING TO THE PARTY,
SO WHY DON'T YOU ASK HIM?

UH, CORY PUNCHING TREVOR
WILL SHOW A SERIOUS COMMITMENT

TO THE RELATIONSHIP, RIGHT?
THOUGH I GUESS

BRINGING MY DATE TO A FAMILY
PARTY WILL DO THE SAME THING.

SEE, I THOUGHT MIRA AGREEING
TO BE MY DATE FOR THE PARTY

WAS A PROMISING SIGN.

GOOD TO KNOW WE'RE ON
THE SAME PAGE ABOUT SOMETHING.
GOOD TO KNOW.

I GUESS CORY'S PROBLEMS WITH
MY DATING HIS MOTHER WENT AWAY

IF HE'S COMING TO THE PARTY.
NO, ACTUALLY, THEY HAVEN'T.

HE JUST KNOWS HOW IMPORTANT
THIS IS TO ME.

DAD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHY DON'T YOU GET
IN THE CAR?

I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU SHOULD SEE.

(Grayson) I APOLOGIZE
FOR THE POOR CAMERA ANGLE.

JEFFREY FOUND
A WONDER BRIEFCASE

THAT CONCEALS
A SMALL VIDEO CAMERA.

(presses key)
(Grayson) IT'S VERY SIMPLE,
MR. KAZARIAN.

YOU SIGN THIS CONTRACT

AGREEING TO STAY AWAY
FROM MY DAUGHTER,

AND YOU GET A CHECK
FOR $100,000.

(Nick)
JEEZ, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I'M NOT KNOWN FOR MY
PRACTICAL JOKES, MR. KAZARIAN.

100 GRAND?

WELL...

WHERE DO I SIGN?

I THINK
YOU GET THE PICTURE.

(sniffles)

RILEY, TRY AND CALM DOWN
A LITTLE, OKAY?

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?

MY FATHER'S LAWYER VIDEOTAPED
IT. I SAW THE WHOLE THING.

Nick couldn't sign
the contract

FAST ENOUGH.

I, UM...

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M SO SHOCKED.

WHY THE HELL DID I THINK THIS
TIME WOULD BE DIFFERENT, HUH?

BECAUSE I TOLD YOU
NICK WAS DIFFERENT.

WHERE ARE YOU?
I'LL COME PICK YOU UP.

PARKED IN FRONT
OF THE SOHO GRAND,

WAITING FOR MY DAD
TO GET HIS LUGGAGE.

I'm going back home
to Boston,

AT LEAST FOR A WHILE.

(knock on door)

HEY THERE.
HEY.

(both laugh)

MMM.
WOW, YOU LOOK NICE.

THANKS.
THIS IS A NICE SURPRISE.

WERE WE MEETING HERE?

I THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO MEET DOWNSTAIRS LATER.

UH, ACTUALLY,
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT THAT.

HOW ABOUT I MEET YOU BACK HERE
AFTER THE PARTY, AFTER YOU'VE

GOT ALL YOUR FAMILIAL
OBLIGATIONS OUT OF THE WAY

AND YOU'RE ALL LIQUORED UP?
(laughs)
(laughs)

I WAS KINDA HOPING
TO INTRODUCE YOU AROUND.

YOUR PARENTS'
40th ANNIVERSARY PARTY

MIGHT BE A BIT
ON THE INTENSE SIDE FOR ME.

I JUST DON'T THINK
I'M READY FOR THAT.

SO SHOULD I COME BY
AFTER THE PARTY

FOR SOME QUALITY ALONE TIME?

(man)
♪ ALWAYS AND FOREVER ♪

♪♪

♪ EACH MOMENT WITH YOU ♪

(trumpet plays)

♪ IS JUST LIKE A DREAM
TO ME ♪

♪ THAT SOMEHOW CAME TRUE ♪

♪ AND I KNOW TOMORROW ♪

♪ WILL STILL BE THE SAME ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT A LIFE... ♪

DO YOU KNOW
WHAT YOUR FRIEND NICK DID?

AH, HE SCREWED UP, BUT HE'S
GONNA MAKE IT UP TO HER.

HE'S TRYING
TO TRACK HER DOWN NOW.

I'M SURPRISED
I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM.
MAKE IT UP TO HER, HOW?

WHAT'S HE GONNA DO, SEND HER
SOME FLOWERS AND A LITTLE NOTE?

"SORRY ABOUT
BREAKING YOUR HEART,

BUT 100 GRAND IS
A LOT OF MONEY."
SEE, I-I DON'T UNDERSTAND

ANYTHING YOU'RE SAYING
RIGHT NOW.

HE SPIED ON HER. HE MISTOOK
HER DAD FOR HER LOVER.

IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYBODY.
WHAT'S THIS ABOUT MONEY?

RILEY'S FATHER OFFERED NICK
$100,000 TO WALK AWAY

FROM HIS DAUGHTER.
NICK DIDN'T THINK TWICE.

HE SIGNED THE CONTRACT,
RILEY SAW THE VIDEO.

IS IT SINKING IN NOW?
ARE YOU GETTING THE PICTURE?
OH, HOW COULD HE?

LET'S ASK HIM.

I CAN'T FIND RILEY ANYWHERE.

SHE'S NOT AT HER PLACE,
NOT AT WORK...

WHY DO YOU NEED
TO FIND HER?

DID YOU AGREE
TO NEVER SEE HER AGAIN?
I'M SORRY?

IT'S ON VIDEO, NICK.
DON'T DENY IT.

THEY VIDEOTAPED IT, HUH?

(laughs)

(Manchester Orchestra)
♪ I REMEMBER, HEAD DOWN ♪

(cell phone vibrating)
♪ AFTER YOU HAD FOUND OUT
MANNA IS A HELL OF A DRUG ♪

♪ AND I NEED A LITTLE MORE,
I THINK ♪

♪ BECAUSE ENOUGH
IS NEVER QUITE ENOUGH ♪

♪ WHAT'S ENOUGH? ♪

♪♪

(music stops)

(taps key)

(taps key)

(taps key)

(taps key)

THERE YOU GO.

THIS IS THE RIGHT DECISION
FOR EVERYONE.

HOLD ON.

"JOE KING"?

YOU'RE "JOE KING"?

YES, I AM.

MOST DEFINITELY.

PUT AWAY YOUR CHECKBOOK,
MR. DAVIS.

YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY
TO KEEP ME AWAY

FROM YOUR DAUGHTER.

♪♪

ANY WORD BACK FROM RILEY YET?
SHE'S GOT A LOT TO SORT OUT.

YEAH, HE COULD'VE ERASED
THE PART

WHERE I REFUSED TO SIGN.
TIME FOR MY SPEECH.

HEY.
YOU MIND BRINGING
SOME CHAMPAGNE AROUND?

NO, THAT'S MY JOB. HEY, WHEN'S,
UH, MIRA GETTING HERE?
SHE'S NOT COMING.

THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT
BETWEEN US.
DUDE, THAT'S MY BEAD
YOU'RE THROWING AWAY.

WE WEREN'T ON THE SAME PAGE,
YOU KNOW?

NOT LIKE THAT.

(cheers and applause)

OH, BOY,
I CATCH A LOT OF FLACK.

JUST A FEW DAYS AGO,
ONE OF MY EMPLOYEES ASKED WHY,

GIVEN THE PARADE
OF ATTRACTIVE LADIES

THAT COMES IN HERE

AND GIVEN THAT I HAVE SUCH
A POSITIVE EXAMPLE IN MY LIFE--

MY PARENTS,
MARRIED 40 YEARS TODAY...
(applause)

WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?

(man) BECAUSE YOU DON'T
LIKE GIRLS!
YEAH, THANK YOU.

(laughter,
microphone feedback whines)

THANKS FOR THE--
THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT.

THE, UH, FACT IS,

THAT IT'S PRECISELY
BECAUSE OF THEIR EXAMPLE

THAT I'M STILL ON MY OWN.

I'VE BEEN AROUND FOR MOST
OF THEIR 40 YEARS TOGETHER,

SO I KNOW
WHAT TRUE LOVE LOOKS LIKE.

AND EVERY TIME I-I MEASURE
ONE OF MY RELATIONSHIPS

AGAINST THEIR STANDARD,
IT COMES UP SHORT.

AND I KNOW--I KNOW
I GOTTA KEEP LOOKING.

I GOTTA KEEP LOOKING BECAUSE
I WANT WHAT THEY'VE GOT.

AND I WANT LITA
TO FIND THAT, TOO.

SO HOW DOES THE PROPRIETOR

OF ONE OF NEW YORK'S
FINEST ADULT THEATERS

CONVINCE A KINDERGARTEN TEACHER
TO SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE

WITH HIM,
FORSAKING ALL OTHERS?
(laughter)

WELL, HE DIVES IN,

DOESN'T GIVE HER A CHANCE
TO THINK ABOUT IT.

72 HOURS, RIGHT, POP?

THAT'S HOW LONG THE ENTIRE
GUS AND BIBI COURTSHIP LASTED.

WHEN MY DAD MAKES A DECISION...

IT'S MADE.

THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT, POP.

SO IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND
JOINING ME IN A TOAST

TO MY PARENTS...

(man) HEAR, HEAR.
(woman) CHEERS.

MAMA...

POP.

THANK YOU
FOR SETTING THE BAR SO HIGH.

I LOVE YOU. CHEERS.

(all cheering)
SALUD.

(clink)

(Riley) NICK?

(chuckles softly)

THAT WAS SOME KISS THERE,
JOE KING.

HOW ARE YOU
GONNA TOP THAT, HUH?

MARRY ME.

(laughs)

UH, UH, I'M--I'M SORRY.
WHAT?

LET'S GET MARRIED.

YOU SHOULD, UM,
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KNOW

THAT, UH, WHEN I TOLD MY DAD
TO TURN AROUND THE CAR, HE--

HE TOLD ME
HE WAS DISOWNING ME.

YOU'RE MARRYING
A PENNILESS SOCIAL WORKER.

THEN THAT'S A YES?

(cheering)

WHOO!
YAY!

I SUPPOSE THIS MEANS
YOU FEEL VALIDATED.

YOU'RE BACK
TO MATCHING BY THE GUT?

NO MORE SELF-DOUBT?

I'M NOT SURE. THINGS DIDN'T
EXACTLY WORK OUT FOR FELIX.

I'M THINKING ABOUT GOING WITH
THE "THROW A BUNCH OF STUFF

UP AGAINST THE WALL,
SEE WHAT STICKS" THEORY. HEY!
ISN'T THAT WHAT GOT YOU

INTO TROUBLE IN
THE FIRST PLACE--RANDOM ARROWS?

THANKS, CLAIRE.
YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND.

AND YOU WERE SO RIGHT.
(laughs)

WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU WERE RIGHT?

HOW WERE YOU--
I WAS RIGHT.

HEY, I MADE THIS MATCH.

I'M NOT SHARING CREDIT
ON THIS.

I DON'T KNOW, TREVOR.
I DID A LOT OF HEAVY LIFTING.

WHAT? HOW?

YOU WERE A-A NAYSAYER,
A POOH-POOHER.
CLAIRE!

I CAN MAKE THAT MEETING.
WE'LL BE THERE TOGETHER.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
I GOT SOME ERRANDS TO RUN.

MISS! EXCUSE ME! MISS?