Original subtitles

(horns honk)

IT'S QUINOA, JOAN.

I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE THE INSIDE OF A BEANIE BABY,

BUT IT'S JAMMED WITH PROTEIN. I FINISHED MY COUNSELING SESSIONS FOR THE DAY,

AND I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING TONIGHT,

IF YOU NEED AN EXTRA HAND IN THE KITCHEN. I'M NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT

ASKING OUR VOLUNTEER PSYCHIATRIST TO PEEL POTATOES. TREVOR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ROMANTIC EVENING WITH KEVIN

BEFORE HE GOES TO AFRICA?

HE'S GETTING ON A PLANE IN THREE HOURS. WHO'S KEVIN?

KEVIN KEVIN. YOU KNOW, KEVIN? HUMANITARIAN KEVIN, STATUE-OF-DAVID-ASS KEVIN?

LOOK HE'S AT THE FUND-RAISER AT THE MUSEUM EIGHT BLOCKS AWAY,

WHICH IS WHERE YOU SHOULD BE. THEN HE'S GETTING IN A CAR

AND HE'S GOING TO THE AIRPORT. WE ONLY GOT, LIKE, 20 MINUTES. 20 MINUTES FOR WHAT?

I MEAN, HOW DO YOU TWO EVEN KNOW EACH--

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. CAN YOU WIG OUT IN, LIKE, AN HOUR?

I'M ON A TICKING CLOCK HERE. I BROUGHT RILEY TO ONE SINGLES GROUP.

I EVEN MADE SURE SHE DIDN'T SIT NEAR YOU.

I THOUGHT THE "NO MATCHING MY FRIENDS" RULE WAS A GIVEN. I-I CAN'T DO IT.

(woman) DRAG HER OUT, TREVOR. HE WANTS YOU TO GO TO AFRICA WITH HIM.

(scoffs) HE--HE WANTS ME TO GO WITH HIM?

LOOK, RILEY, I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN BURNED BEFORE,

BUT I'M TELLING YOU, THIS GUY IS THE REAL DEAL.

OKAY.

(grunts) OH! (laughs)

OKAY, MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE A DEEP BREATH

AND JUST THINK ABOUT THIS FOR A MINUTE.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO RUN OFF TO AFRICA WITH SOME GUY?

WELL, IT'S JUST A WEEK, AND HE'S NOT "SOME GUY."

HE'S AN INTERNATIONAL RELIEF WORKER.

I'M SURPRISED THE GUY HASN'T BEEN KNIGHTED. TREVOR MET HIM AT TRES EQUIS, AND THEN WE HIT IT OFF.

IT'S BEEN THIS 3-WEEK WHIRLWIND. 3 WEEKS? I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD YOU MENTION HIM.

BECAUSE EVERY TIME I BRING UP MY LOVE LIFE,

YOU POINT OUT THAT I'M REENACTING

A CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSISTIC FATHER FIGURE

OR--OR EXPOSING DEEP-SEATED TRUST ISSUES. THAT DOES SOUND LIKE YOU.

IT'S LIKE TRYING TO GO TO DINNER

WITH YOUR WEIGHT WATCHERS GROUP LEADER. MAYBE THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T HAVE GIRLFRIENDS.

CLAIRE HAS GIRLFRIENDS. I'M ONE OF THEM.

SOMETIMES, THOUGH, I JUST NEED SOMEONE SUPPORTIVE

MORE THAN I NEED EXPERT ADVICE.

COME WITH US. I WANT YOU TO MEET HIM.

LET'S GO! LET'S GO! GO! GO!

(brakes squeal)

(British accent) YOU'RE HERE.

I-I WAS WORRIED I WAS JUST A LARK TO YOU.

ANYTHING BUT.

BEHOLD MY DIVINE HANDIWORK.

(camera shutter clicking) WHAT THE H--

WHO ARE YOU?

NICK KAZARIAN, BOWERY INVESTIGATIONS.

CONGRATULATIONS, MR. COLLIER. YOU JUST HAD YOUR PICTURE TAKEN

BY THE BEST P.I. IN THE TRISTATE AREA.

YOUR WIFE HIRED ME TWO WEEKS AGO,

CALLED ME ALL THE WAY FROM LONDON.

GUESS THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME THIS HAPPENED. CHEERIO.

REMIND ME AGAIN--

YOU BELIEVE YOU'RE THE GOD OF WHAT?

♪♪

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT? IT'S COMPLETELY IRRESPONSIBLE! HOW DO YOU NOT SEE HOW HORRIBLE I FEEL?

I COULDN'T FEEL WORSE IF I WERE IMPALED ON SOMETHING.

WELL, I SAY LET'S TEST THAT THEORY. I KNOW THIS IS GONNA COME AS A SHOCK.

THE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO ARE NOT YOU

MAKE MISTAKES. IF YOU STOP AND THINK, EVEN FOR A MILLISECOND--

I DID PAUSE TO THINK THIS TIME, WHICH I NEVER DO.

YOU KNOW, SOMETHING FELT A LITTLE... WONKY.

WONKY? YEAH. YOU KNOW, IT LOOKED SO GOOD ON PAPER.

STILL, YOU KNOW WHAT? LESSON LEARNED--OBEY THE GUT. THAT IS NOT THE LESSON.

THE LESSON IS TO STOP INTERFERING.

CAN YOU GET A ROOM ALREADY? GOD!

FIGHTING IS ANOTHER SIGN OF ATTRACTION, YOU KNOW?

SHE TALKS ABOUT IT IN HER BOOK.

WELL, ACTUALLY, THAT'S A SIMPLIFICATION. WHAT I SAID--

CLAIRE, I HAVE JUST BEEN ROMANTICALLY BITCH-SLAPPED,

AND NOW THERE ARE PICTURES OF ME MAKING OUT WITH A MARRIED MAN

OUT THERE, IN THE WORLD.

SAINT KEVIN--

HE ALREADY OFFERED ME QUADRUPLE FOR THE PHOTOS,

AND I TURNED HIM DOWN. WE WERE HOPING TO EXPLAIN THE SITUATION.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU CAN HELP US OUT.

YEAH, I'M NOT REALLY WHAT YOU CALL A HELPER. MY FRIEND'S AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER.

SHE DIDN'T KNOW KEVIN WAS MARRIED. I FIGURED AS MUCH,

BUT MAYBE SHE SHOULD HAVE DONE A LITTLE LESS HAND-HOLDING

AND A LITTLE MORE RING FINGER-CHECKING.

THE GUY'S GOT A TELLTALE TAN LINE. WHEN DID YOU SEE US HOLDING HANDS?

WELL, HIS WIFE HIRED ME TWO WEEKS AGO.

I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU, THOUGH. NO MONEY SHOT UNTIL TONIGHT. YOU KNEW I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS MARRIED,

AND YOU JUST--YOU WATCHED ME GET REELED IN?

YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN ME A HEADS-UP. WHAT DO YOU THINK TONIGHT WAS?

I MEAN, DO YOU THINK I MAKE IT A HABIT OF INTRODUCING MYSELF

TO PEOPLE I'M PHOTOGRAPHING? OH, SO YOU WAITED UNTIL YOU GOT YOUR MONEY SHOT

TO BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING. WHAT ARE WE, GIRLFRIENDS?

IT'S NOT REALLY THE NATURE OF MY JOB TO PROTECT THE MISTRESS. "OH, I WAS JUST DOING MY JOB"--

IS THAT WHAT YOU TELL YOURSELF WHEN YOU TRY TO SLEEP AT NIGHT? NO, TO GET TO SLEEP,

I USE THE SAME TOOLS EVERY OTHER P.I. USES--

BOURBON AND PHONE SEX. NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT,

"I WAS JUST DOING MY JOB" IS THE LAST THING I HEAR

BEFORE NODDING OFF. THAT IS REPULSIVE.

REALLY? GREAT. DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE LEAVING? GOD, DID YOU GET BEAT UP,

LIKE, EVERY DAY IN HIGH SCHOOL? I SWEAR, THE SECOND

YOUR MOUTH OPENS, MY FISTS CLENCH. OH, MY GOD.

SHOULDN'T YOU GO ROLL YOUR LITTLE ANGER BALL

OVER TO THE GUY WHO ACTUALLY SCREWED YOU OVER? YEAH, I-I DON'T KNOW

WHAT THE HELL AN ANGER BALL IS, BUT I WANT TO THROW IT AT YOU. LOOK, IT DOESN'T MATTER IF I GIVE YOU THE PHOTOS.

I ALREADY SENT THE JPEGs TO YOUR BOYFRIEND'S WIFE. WELL, I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T WASTE ANY TIME.

ACTUALLY, THIS RIGHT HERE-- HUGE WASTE OF TIME. WILL YOU TWO GET A ROOM ALREADY?

IF HE'S ALREADY MAILED THE PICTURES,

THEN WE'RE DONE HERE...

UNLESS THE TWO OF YOU ARE ENJOYING YOURSELVES.

(door closes)

YOU KNOW,

MY DAD PROPOSED TO MY MOM AT A YANKEES GAME.

HOW MUCH WOULD YOU TAKE FOR THIS?

I THOUGHT YOU THROWING YOUR PARENTS A PARTY

WAS THE ANNIVERSARY GIFT. YEAH, BUT I FEEL LIKE I GOTTA GIVE 'EM

SOMETHING ON TOP OF THAT. IT'S THEIR 40th. 40th IS RUBY, NOT BASEBALL.

(chuckles) YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR PARENTS HAVE BEEN

HAPPILY PAIRED UP FOR 40 YEARS, YET YOU LOOK LIKE A MONK.

YEAH, I'M SAVING MYSELF FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL. HELLO? CAN I GET A DRINK?

SORRY. NORMALLY OUR LOVELY,

YET VICIOUS AND VINDICTIVE COCKTAIL WAITRESSES

HANDLE TABLE SERVICE.

AND HERE I THOUGHT I WAS SPECIAL.

SPECIAL, HUH?

(chuckles)

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M SORRY, BUT I COULDN'T HELP

BUT NOTICE THAT YOU'RE NOT WEARING A RING.

NOW IF I MIGHT BE SO BOLD, WHAT'S YOUR TASTE IN MEN?

LESS BOLD.

PERFECT. (mouths word)

NO THINKING, JUST MATCHING. NO THINKING, JUST MATCHING.

HEY, BOSS.

WOMAN AT TABLE NINE SAYS SHE WANTS TO SPEAK TO THE OWNER.

(groans) I... (mutters)

HI. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

CAN YOU TURN INTO A DRY MARTINI AND TAKE A SEAT RIGHT HERE?

EXCUSE ME?

I'D LIKE A DRY MARTINI, UP WITH A TWIST.

(chuckles) I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO SEE THE OWNER.

I WANTED TO SEE SOMEONE GET ME A DRINK.

IF IT HAS TO BE YOU,

I CAN PROBABLY FIND A WAY TO DEAL WITH THAT.

(chuckles)

IS THAT A VODKA MARTINI OR...

HEY.

I WANT MY BASEBALL.

UH, IT'S THURMAN MUNSON'S BASEBALL.

HE WROTE HIS NAME ON IT.

OKAY.

THE P.I. TRACKED ME DOWN.

WELL, YOU WERE WEARING THE NAME OF THE BAR

ON YOUR SHIRT YESTERDAY, SO CLEARLY YOU WANTED TO SEE ME.

I HAPPENED TO NOTICE YOUR SCREENSAVER.

THOSE WERE SOME LOVINGLY SHOT IMAGES OF RILEY.

SO I DON'T MEET THAT MANY SEXY SOCIAL WORKERS

IN MY LINE OF WORK. THEN I SAY EMBRACE YOUR GOOD FORTUNE.

YOU TWO HAD A REAL SPARK. LOOK, I MAKE MY LIVING

CHRONICLING THE DISINTEGRATION OF HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

MONOGAMY IS FUTILE,

LOVE NEVER LASTS,

AND MARRIAGE IS AN ARCHAIC INSTITUTION

DOOMED TO FAILURE.

(pats counter) YOU HAVE A NICE DAY.

WAIT.

DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE OPPOSED TO DOING A GIRL A FAVOR?

I'M SORRY YOU DIDN'T FEEL YOU COULD TALK TO ME ABOUT KEVIN.

MM. THE SAD THING IS IT WOULDN'T HAVE MATTERED IF I DID.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE WOULD HAVE BEEN YOU SAYING "I TOLD YOU SO."

THANK YOU FOR STAYING THROUGH DINNER. I DON'T WANT TO SAY "I TOLD YOU SO."

I JUST WANT TO BE A FRIEND,

A NORMAL, NON-RELATIONSHIP EXPERT FRIEND

WHO YOU CAN DO REGULAR GIRLFRIEND STUFF WITH.

WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT GETTING TOGETHER OUTSIDE OF THE CENTER,

AND WE NEVER DO. YEAH, I GUESS WE NEVER DID TAKE THOSE NIA DANCE CLASSES, DID WE?

OR TRAIN FOR THAT HALF MARATHON, WHICH WE COULD STILL DO.

I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU SAY? TOMORROW MORNING, 6:00 A.M.?

WE CAN EVEN START FROM YOUR PLACE. OKAY, BUT WE'RE MAKING A PACT TO NOT TALK ABOUT MEN.

DONE. D-O-N-E.

(laughs)

THIS IS THE POLISH. THIS IS THE RUSSIAN.

MM...

OKAY. TASTE THE RUSSIAN.

ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME DRUNK? OH, COME ON. IT'S BARELY A SIP.

I'M DOING IT, TOO, AND I'M WORKING.

♪♪

THAT'S THE SAME ONE I JUST TASTED.

OKAY.

YOU CAN TASTE THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN TOP-SHELF VODKA AND THE CHEAP STUFF.

I APOLOGIZE FOR EVER DOUBTING YOU.

(laughs) SO WHAT BROUGHT YOU TO MY FINE ESTABLISHMENT?

I'M MEETING MY SON HERE.

HE'S DATING SOMEONE NEW, AND HE WANTS ME TO MEET HER.

NO WAY YOU HAVE A LEGAL AGE SON.

SEE FOR YOURSELF.

THAT'S MY SISTER.

CELIA, CAN YOU CHECK ON JOHN IN THE BACK?

YOU. I SURE HOPE YOU HAVE A SEMI PARKED OUT FRONT

FULL OF CANNED GOODS AND DONATED TOYS.

OKAY, YOU LOOK SURPRISED TO SEE ME.

YOUR FRIEND TREVOR TOLD ME THAT THIS LATEST GUY

WASN'T THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE BEEN BURNED BY MEN.

HE SAID YOU WANTED SOME TIPS FOR SPOTTING THE BAD APPLES. I-I SAID NO SUCH THING.

MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME. I'LL JUST GO.

(sighs) WAIT.

HE NEVER ANSWERED HIS CELL PHONE IN FRONT OF YOU.

YEAH, THAT DIDN'T SIGNAL TO ME "DEGENERATE PHILANDERER."

THAT SAID "POLITE."

NO ONE'S THAT POLITE.

AND HE ALWAYS PAID WITH CASH BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT HIS WIFE

TO SEE ANYTHING FISHY ON HIS CREDIT CARD BILL.

I DON'T OFTEN GET A POST SCREW-OVER PLAY-BY-PLAY

OF WHAT A JACKASS I AM. I THINK WE CAN AGREE THAT HE WAS THE JACKASS.

OH. SO IS THIS WHERE YOU TRY AND MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?

HEY, IF IT DIDN'T HAPPEN ALL THE TIME,

I WOULDN'T HAVE A JOB, RIGHT? (laughs)

EXCUSE ME. WHAT'S THIS?

A RESTAURANT DONATED SOME TABLECLOTHS,

BUT IF YOU'D PREFER THE PLASTIC...

NO.

LOOK, UH, I APPRECIATE THE TUTORIAL,

BUT, UH, MY PROBLEM ISN'T WITH RECOGNIZING MARRIED MEN.

IT'S THE FIRST TIME THAT MISTAKE HAS BEEN MADE.

IT'S FINDING AN HONEST MAN.

YOU MEAN THE HONEST MAN. (laughs)

LOOK, I-I DON'T MAKE THE RULES. THIS IS BASIC NATURE.

MEN ARE LOOKING FOR YOUTH AND BEAUTY.

THEY'LL LEAVE THEIR WIVES FOR IT, ABANDON ENTIRE FAMILIES.

WOW. YOU MIGHT EVEN BE TOUGHER ON MEN THAN I AM.

NO, NO, NO. I'M AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY MISANTHROPE.

THEY'LL DENY IT, BUT A WOMAN WILL OVERLOOK

JUST ABOUT ANYTHING FOR A WEALTHY, POWERFUL MAN.

MISS HANES, I MADE THIS FOR YOU AT THE REC CENTER.

OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU, JESSIE.

SEE? SOMEDAY THAT SWEET GIRL WILL BREAK A MAN'S HEART

FOR A BIGGER, BETTER OFFER. WELL, MAYBE SHE'LL BE SMART, AVOID LOVE ALTOGETHER.

APPARENTLY TODAY'S FOOD DONATION INCLUDED

THE ENTIRE CHEESE COURSE FROM BLUE HILL RESTAURANT.

I GOTTA START EATING IN SOUP KITCHENS MORE OFTEN.

(laughs)

TO JESSIE.

MAY SHE BE SMART AND AVOID LOVE ALTOGETHER.

HEAR, HEAR.

♪ YEAH, I THINK I'M GOING OUT OF MY HEAD OVER YOU ♪

GOD, I CAN'T IMAGINE YOU MARRIED.

(chuckles) WELL...

COULD YOU IMAGINE ME PAYING ALIMONY ONCE A MONTH

TO A WOMAN WHO LIVES WITH MY FORMER CAPTAIN?

FORMER CAPTAIN?

YOU WERE A COP?

YES, MA'AM.

SO, UH, YOUR WIFE AND THE CAPTAIN--

UH, I TAKE IT THEY DIDN'T HOOK UP AFTER YOUR DIVORCE.

(chuckles) WOULDN'T THAT HAVE BEEN THOUGHTFUL? ♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ I NEED YOU SO BADLY ♪

♪ CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING BUT YOU ♪

WHAT'S WITH THE BUCKET DRUMMING?

I DIDN'T ASK FOR BUCKET DRUMMING.

BUCKET DRUMMING ISN'T ROMANTIC. HE'S NOT OURS. HE JUST WANDERED IN.

WELL, GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

I DIDN'T JUST SHUCK A POUND OF OYSTERS FOR MY HEALTH.

I'M CREATING A MOOD HERE. SACRE BLEU.

♪ ...OVER YOU, DAY AND NIGHT ♪ (laughs)

♪ OUT OF MY HEAD ♪

GOOD CALL ON THE WAFFLES.

YOU SEEM TO REALLY KNOW YOUR FOOD.

I GOT THAT FROM MY DAD.

HE WAS A COOK? NO, HE LIKED TO EAT.

(chuckles)

HE WAS ALSO A COP.

AND HIS FATHER WAS ALSO A COP.

AND HIS FATHER...

HE WAS A THIEF, BUT AN EXCELLENT COOK.

(laughs)

I BELIEVE AT ONE POINT HE WAS THE PERSONAL CHEF

TO THE WARDEN OF, UH, RIKERS ISLAND, ACTUALLY.

MM. (bell tolling)

YOU SHOULD LET ME COOK FOR YOU.

ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE UP

FOR LETTING ME GET MY HEART BROKEN?

YOU'RE NOT HEARTBROKEN.

YOU DIDN'T LOVE HIM. I COULD TELL,

AND I DIDN'T EVEN NEED A TELEPHOTO LENS.

ALTHOUGH, TRUE, IT HELPS.

I LIKED HIM.

I BELIEVED HIS INTENTIONS WERE HONORABLE.

THAT'S THE, UH, THIRD TIME THAT TOWN CAR HAS PASSED US.

SOME ANGRY HUSBAND AFTER YOU?

ALWAYS A POSSIBILITY. (chuckles)

(chuckles)

UH, THIS IS MY PLACE.

YEAH, I KNOW.

RIGHT. (chuckles)

(Claire) RILEY?

AND NOW I MUST KILL TREVOR.

I CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME

I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT BECAUSE I WANTED TO.

HE'S COOKING DINNER FOR ME TONIGHT.

GO AHEAD. I SHOULDN'T BE GETTING INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE,

ESPECIALLY A GUY WHO, YESTERDAY,

I REFERRED TO AS "POND SCUM" AND SAID LACKED COMPASSION.

I'M JUST A SUPPORTIVE FRIEND, HAPPY THAT YOU'RE HAPPY.

WOW. YOU'RE GOOD. (laughs)

♪♪

WE NEED TO HAVE A LITTLE CHAT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY, "I NEED TO YELL AT YOU,"

SO I DON'T GET MY HOPES UP? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE TRYING TO MATCH RILEY UP AGAIN.

DID YOU NOT NOTICE HOW HORRIBLY IT WENT THE LAST TIME?

WHICH IS WHY I'M REALLY BRINGING MY "A" GAME HERE. I'M ATONING.

SHE HASN'T SAID MUCH ABOUT IT,

BUT I'VE PICKED UP ON A FEW THINGS.

SHE'S GOT SOME REAL TRUST ISSUES. I THOUGHT YOU'D APPROVE.

LOOK, TWO PEOPLE WHO DON'T TRUST IN LOVE--

THAT'S A THING IN COMMON--

A RELATIONSHIP MARKER, IF YOU WILL.

AND I CONSIDER THEIR COMBATIVE INITIAL ENCOUNTER

SUBLIMINAL SABOTAGE INDICATING A LATENT ATTRACTION. YOU'VE BEEN READING MY BOOK?

I'M ON CHAPTER FOUR. (whispers) IT'S GOOD. WELL, KEEP READING,

AND YOU'LL SEE THAT COMBATIVE INITIAL ENCOUNTERS

USUALLY REQUIRE TRAUMATIC CATHARSIS--

A JUMP OFF A CLIFF--AND MOST RELATIONSHIPS DON'T SURVIVE IT.

GREAT. CLIFF DIVING--

THAT'S THE SUBTITLE OF MY BOOK--"BE BOLD."

PLEASE TELL ME YOU REMEMBER WHAT I DRINK.

I NEVER GET TO SAY, "I'LL HAVE THE USUAL."

I NEVER FORGET A FACE OR A DRINK.

YESTERDAY WAS A BIT ODD, HUH?

YEAH, YEAH. SMALL WORLD, HUH?

I'VE BEEN CONSIDERING THE SITUATION.

IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS SINCE MY DIVORCE,

AND I HAVEN'T MET ANY MEN WHOSE COMPANY I ENJOYED

AS MUCH AS I ENJOYED YOURS YESTERDAY.

I WAS UNCHARACTERISTICALLY ON YESTERDAY.

I'M NORMALLY KIND OF A DUD.

(chuckles)

I THINK WE SHOULD GO OUT. WE'RE ADULTS.

CORY AND LITA ARE NEARLY ADULTS.

WHAT'S THE HARM?

OH, MY GOD.

THIS IS WHAT IT SMELLS LIKE IN MEAT HEAVEN.

IS THIS HOW YOU GET YOUR DATES TO DO YOUR BIDDING FOR YOU?

ACTUALLY, UH, NO, I-I NEVER COOK FOR MY DATES.

HONESTLY, UM, SINCE MY WIFE LEFT ME,

IT'S JUST BEEN ME AND A SERIES OF FLOOZIES WITH PRIVILEGES,

AND TAKEOUT CHINESE USUALLY DOES THE TRICK.

IF YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH FLOOZIES WITH PRIVILEGES,

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE CREATED

A SCREENSAVER WITH RILEY'S FACE ON IT.

WELL, I WAS A COP FOR EIGHT YEARS,

THEN A P.I. FOR THE LAST SIX.

I DON'T MEET MANY PURE PEOPLE,

MANY GOOD, REALLY GOOD PEOPLE.

AND LAST NIGHT WAS JUST SO PERFECT.

YOU KNOW, I...

IT'S WEIRD HOW EVERYTHING CAME TOGETHER LIKE THAT.

LIKE THE GODS WERE SMILING UPON YOU.

YEAH. WELL, I'M JUST AFRAID THAT AFTER LAST NIGHT'S MAGIC,

YOU KNOW, THINGS ARE GONNA WEAR OFF,

AND SHE'S GONNA COME TO HER SENSES.

(telephone rings)

(ring, beep) HEY, IT'S NICK.

HEY, RILEY.

OH.

NO, I-I-I GET IT. SAY NO MORE.

THINGS COME UP. WHAT? WAIT. NO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GIVE ME THAT. RILEY, WHAT'S UP? HEY, TREVOR, LET HER BACK OUT OF THE DATE

WITH DIGNITY, ALL RIGHT? (Trevor) OKAY, LISTEN, WE'RE ON OUR WAY.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HE SAYS HIS NAME IS TED SMITH.

HE LIVES WITH HIS DAUGHTER'S FAMILY,

BUT HE CAN'T REMEMBER HER MARRIED NAME.

HE'S SUFFERING FROM DEMENTIA AND PROBABLY FORGOT

TO TAKE HIS PILLS AND WANDERED AWAY FROM HIS HOUSE. THIS IS EVERYTHING HE HAD IN HIS POCKET--

A BUS RECEIPT, SOME COUGH DROPS AND THIS.

IT'S A THANK-YOU CARD FROM A "BOBBY,"

BUT THERE'S NO LAST NAME OR ADDRESS.

HMM. YEAH, WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET HIM HOME WITH THIS.

WHO ARE YOU, NOSTRADAMUS?

THERE'S NO ADDRESS, NO LAST NAME.

NOTICE THE SNOWMAN HOLDING THE NEWSPAPER?

PAPERBOY GAVE HIM THIS. ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS CALL THE PAPER

AND FIND OUT BOBBY'S ROUTE.

THEN WHAT?

ALL RIGHT, GANG, WE KEEP KNOCKING ON DOORS

UNTIL WE FIND SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HIM.

THIS IS NOT THE SEXY PART OF DETECTIVE WORK.

(Claire) SO I'M GUESSING THE CHIPPING IN ON THIS QUEST

WAS YOUR IDEA FOR NICK TO IMPRESS RILEY?

NOT CHIPPING IN. HE'S SPEARHEADING.

AND IT'S HIS IDEA, BY THE WAY.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE SHOULD PROBABLY SPLIT UP.

WE CAN PROBABLY COVER MORE GROUND THAT WAY.

YOU CAN'T BE LEFT TO YOUR OWN DEVICES.

YOU'LL GO DOOR-TO-DOOR TRYING TO FIND TED A GIRLFRIEND

INSTEAD OF FINDING HIM HIS HOME.

SO YOU THINK TED'S SINGLE? (sighs)

SO EVEN A P.I. CAN USE HIS SKILLS FOR SOMETHING GOOD.

YEAH, RIGHT. (doorbell rings)

I'LL PAY MY RENT WITH KARMA POINTS. (chuckles)

YOU DO A LOUSY IMPRESSION OF A MISANTHROPE, DETECTIVE.

UH, HI. UM, WE'RE HOPING YOU MIGHT KNOW THIS MAN?

YEAH, I THINK HE'S, LIKE, THE DAD OF THE LADY

THAT LIVES NEXT DOOR.

THANKS. YEAH, THANKS.

OH! THANK GOD.

(children) GRANDPA! GRANDPA!

THERE'S MY KIDS!

(laughs) MM.

(woman) WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I'VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

(Nick) THE PRIME RIB AND THE SALAD

ARE PROBABLY GONERS, BUT I THINK I SHOULD BE ABLE TO SALVAGE

THE DESSERT COURSE. I'M SO SORRY I RUINED YOUR DINNER.

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T GO TO TOO MUCH TROUBLE. AH, NO TROUBLE AT ALL. NOW WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT?

JUST GIVE ME A SECOND. OKAY.

HEY, CAN I AT LEAST HELP YOU WITH SOMETHING?

SO...

THIS IS YOUR VERSION OF "NO TROUBLE"?

I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

THIS IS A BAD IDEA.

MM, WORST IDEA EVER.

I'M NOT USUALLY THIS CHATTY. MM.

I'M ALSO NOT USUALLY THIS POPULAR.

ARE THEY STARVED FOR ATTENTION,

OR, UM, IS THE PEPPERONI I SLIPPED IN MY POCKET

A GOOD CALL? MM, I THINK THEY'RE JUST BALLSY.

MY INSTINCT WAS TO JUST LAY ACROSS YOUR LAP AS WELL,

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE THE NERVE.

OH, UM...

THANK GOODNESS FOR SECOND CHANCES.

(laughs) OH, WOW.

THAT--THE DOGS ARE RIGHT. THAT'S REALLY NICE. YEAH.

THAT'S A REALLY NICE LAP.

(laughs)

WHAT--WHAT--WHAT IS THAT SMILE ABOUT, MISTER?

WHAT--THAT? YEAH.

IT'S REMORSE. (laughs)

REGRET. I WAS RIGHT. NO GOOD COULD COME OF THIS. OKAY.

I SWEAR. OKAY. (laughs)

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT...

I FEEL AWFUL.

NEVER FELT WORSE.

OH, GOD. I AM SO LATE.

(groans)

I WISH I COULD STAY, BUT I HAVE TO GET TO THE CENTER.

YEAH, WELL, I GOTTA VIDEOTAPE

A CONGRESSMAN WITH A HOOKER, SO...

(laughs)

I'M ASSUMING THAT WHILE YOU WERE SURVEILLING ME,

YOU MANAGED TO GET MY PHONE NUMBER?

I DID.

SO I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER?

COUNT ON IT.

MM. MM.

(keys jangle)

(door opens)

(door closes)

HEY. SORRY I'M LATE.

AH. BAGGY EYES, BEDHEAD,

THAT "I'VE BEEN MISBEHAVIN'" SHEEN,

AND IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN...

I BELIEVE THEY CALL THAT TYPE OF WALK A "SWAGGER."

DON'T YOU DARE SULLY THE MEMORY

OF LAST NIGHT'S ENCOUNTER

WITH YOUR JUVENILE INTIMATIONS.

ENCOUNTER?

YOU SOUND LIKE YOU PICKED HER UP AT AN AIRPORT.

AND BY THE WAY, JUST SO YOU KNOW,

I CAN GET A LOT MORE JUVENILE THAN THIS.

BUT... YOU LIKE HER?

YEAH, I LIKE HER.

SAY IT LOUD, SAY IT PROUD. I BELIEVE IN CUPID!

WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR. OKAY.

DEFINITELY WAS A CONNECTION.

SO...

CORY'S MOM SLUNK BACK IN THE HOUSE

AT AROUND 5:00 THIS MORNING.

WHICH YOU KNOW HOW? HE CALLED ME.

I WAS AT HOME WORKING ON THE ANNIVERSARY PARTY R.S.V.P.s,

NOT THAT IT'S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU ASKED OUT MY BOYFRIEND'S MOM.

SHE ASKED ME OUT. NOT THAT IT'S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.

OH, IT IS SO MY BUSINESS. CORY IS FREAKING OUT.

LOOK, HE'S AN ONLY CHILD. HE HASN'T EVEN COME TO GRIPS

WITH THE FACT THAT HIS PARENTS SPLIT UP. IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS.

YEAH, AND NOW HIS MOM IS COMING HOME

WITH HER HAIR ALL MUSSED UP. CORY NEEDS TO GET HIS OWN PLACE.

HE MOVED BACK HOME BECAUSE HIS MOM WAS FEELING ALL ALONE

IN HER APARTMENT. AND I'M SORRY,

BUT ISN'T THE GOD OF LOVE SUPPOSED TO BE PULLING

FOR MY RELATIONSHIP, TOO? UH, I MADE THE INTRODUCTION FOR FELIX.

I GOT A BIT MORE INVESTED.

PLUS, HE'S A LOT NICER TO ME THAN YOU ARE.

YOU'RE GONNA BLOW THIS FOR ME, FELIX.

LITA, YOU WALK ACROSS THE STREET,

AND GUYS FALL AT YOUR FEET.

I DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO LEARN YOUR BOYFRIENDS' NAMES

BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD THE RAM. (sighs)

THIS GUY IS SPECIAL TO ME, FELIX.

I THINK MIRA IS PRETTY SPECIAL.

BUT WHAT ARE YOU TO HER?

THINK IT RHYMES WITH "FREEBOUND"?

(Nick) TREVOR?

GET THAT MAN A DRINK.

HEY. HEY.

SO... HOW'D IT GO?

THE WAY THE TWO OF YOU WERE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER

LAST NIGHT IN FRONT OF TED'S HOUSE WHEN WE LEFT...

GOOD, GOOD. YOU KNOW, RILEY'S, UH, SHE'S A SWEET GIRL.

CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHATEVER'S ON TAP? YOU GOT IT.

SO, UM, HOW DO YOU KNOW RILEY, ANYWAY?

OH, SHE'S CLAIRE'S FRIEND. KNOWN HER FOR A WHILE, THOUGH?

NO, BUT SHE'S, YOU KNOW, ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE

YOU FEEL CLOSE TO RIGHT AWAY, YOU KNOW? YEAH, SHE IS, ISN'T SHE?

YEAH. (chuckles)

I CAN'T BELIEVE A GIRL LIKE THAT'S STILL ON THE MARKET.

WELL, WAS SHE, UH, SINGLE WHEN YOU MET HER?

WHAT IS THIS, BUYER'S REMORSE?

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S WHAT I KNOW ABOUT RILEY HANES--

WHAT YOU KNOW.

ALL RIGHT? SHE'S CARING AND KIND.

YEAH, SHE MAY BE,

BUT RILEY HANES HAS ONLY EXISTED FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS.

I DID A LITTLE DIGGING.

SHE SEEMS TO HAVE ARRIVED FULLY FORMED INTO THE WORLD

IN 2006-- NO TRACE OF HER BEFORE THEN.

SO THEN THERE'S A CLERICAL ERROR,

OR THE HALL OF RECORDS IN HER HOMETOWN BURNED DOWN.

AND SHE'S GOT A THING FOR MARRIED MEN.

(scoffs) YOU'RE CRAZY.

GRAYSON DAVIS--

OWNS HALF OF BOSTON.

PICKED UP RILEY, SPENT A COUPLE HOURS

OVER AT THE SOHO GRAND BEFORE TAKING HER BACK TO HER PLACE.

EXPLAINS HOW A SOCIAL WORKER

AFFORDS A 5 GRAND A MONTH APARTMENT, RIGHT?

THIS IS WHY SHE WAS SO DESPERATE TO GET THOSE PHOTOS BACK.

IN MY LINE OF WORK, I SEE THIS KIND OF THING EVERY DAY.

WELL, YOU SOUND LIKE ONE OF THOSE MEDICAL STUDENTS

WHO CONVINCES THEMSELF THEY HAVE LEPROSY.

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT, TREVOR,

OR MAYBE THIS TIME TOMORROW, I'LL HAVE THE MONEY SHOT.

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

GOT A DONATION FOR YOU HERE--

OLIVES, MARASCHINO CHERRIES, A LITTLE BLOODY MARY MIX. THANKS.

THAT'S SWEET. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THE HOMELESS

MAY WANT TO HOST A COCKTAIL PARTY. (laughs)

OH, HEY, DID YOU SEE ME YESTERDAY?

I SAW YOU OUTSIDE THE SOHO GRAND. OH, IT MUST'VE BEEN SOMEONE ELSE.

I WASN'T AT THE SOHO GRAND. OH, SURE, YOU WERE GOING INTO THE HOTEL WITH THAT GUY--

WHAT'S HIS NAME? THE BIG MONEY GUY--GRAYSON DAVIS. I'M SUCH AN IDIOT.

UM, THE SECOND YOU SAID "GRAYSON," I REMEMBERED.

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET AT THE PENINSULA,

BUT THEN HE CHANGED IT. WE WERE, UH, MEETING ABOUT A DONATION

HE'S GIVING THE CENTER. WELL, I'M SURE YOU CONVINCED HIM TO GIVE A LOT.

YEAH.

(Trevor) I WAS SO SURE I WAS RIGHT.

NOT A MOMENT'S PAUSE. JUST--BANG--INSPIRATION.

YOU KNOW, LIKE--IT WAS LIKE A LOVE LIGHT BULB

WENT OFF OVER MY HEAD, YOU KNOW?

NICK AND RILEY-- THEY BELONG TOGETHER.

NOW EVERYTHING'S A MESS.

WELL, MAYBE THIS IS SHOWING YOU THAT IT'S TIME

TO STOP LOOKING AT YOURSELF AS CUPID. BUT I AM CUPID.

THAT'S WHY THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING.

YOU KNOW, THEY CAN'T TEACH THIS, ALL RIGHT? THERE'S NO MANUAL.

IT'S ALL ME. ALL INSTINCT.

MAYBE THAT JUST GOES AWAY.

TOO MANY YEARS OF TAKING IT FOR GRANTED.

MAYBE THEY WERE RIGHT.

THEY?

OH.

THE PEOPLE WHO THREW YOU OUT OF MT. OLYMPUS.

MAYBE I'VE LOST MY GIFT.

SORRY I'M LATE. ARE YOU IN A BETTER MOOD THAN YESTERDAY?

MORE REASONABLE? OH, I'M IN A GREAT MOOD. COULDN'T BE BETTER.

HMM. (man) FRESH FLOWERS FOR YOU?

(sighs) OH. THANK YOU. SO... ABOUT THIS MAN YOU'RE SEEING--

IT'S OVER. NO MORE.

(Grayson) I WON'T TOLERATE IT. (Riley) YEAH. (laughs)

UM, THAT'S-- THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN. (shutter clicking)

YOU'RE UNDERESTIMATING HOW SERIOUS I AM.

YOU'RE DOING A LITTLE OF THAT YOURSELF.

I-I THINK I LOVE HIM, DAD.

DAD? YES, BABY!

PRISCILLA DAVIS, YOU'RE NOT TO SEE HIM.

I WON'T DISCUSS IT AGAIN. "PRISCILLA"?

(horns honk)

(Riley and Nick laugh)

(kisses) (laughs)

YOU ARE IN AN EXCEPTIONAL MOOD, NICK.

YEAH, I'M NOT SURE I CARE FOR IT.

I LIKE MY PRIVATE DETECTIVE LOVERS LIKE MY EGGS--

HARD-BOILED.

MM. MM. THOUGH I AM--

I AM COMING AROUND TO SUNNY-SIDE UP.

(door buzzes) MM. CHINESE FOOD'S HERE.

WHOA, WHOA, YOU DON'T HAVE A TOP ON.

YOU DON'T HAVE PANTS ON.

(door opens)

(groans)

(door closes) NICK?

THESE ARE FROM YESTERDAY.

YOU'RE SPYING ON ME AGAIN?

IT'S--IT'S THE WAY I AM. I DON'T TRUST ANYONE.

I-I GOT THE IMPRESSION YOU KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE.

YEAH. I, UM...

I SUPPOSE I COULD EVENTUALLY GET OVER THE SPYING.

HERE'S THE THING. UH...

I LEFT BOSTON AND CHANGED MY NAME

BECAUSE I COULDN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN THE MEN WHO LOVED ME

AND MEN WHO JUST WANTED TO BE HEIR TO THE FAMILY FORTUNE.

SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT ME...

I'M SURE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHY I CAN NEVER TRUST YOU.

RILEY.

(door opens)

(sighs)

IF YOU'RE A MORNING DRINKER,

YOU MIGHT WANT TO POUR YOURSELF SOMETHING.

I'M ALREADY TWO IRISH COFFEES IN, BUT THANKS.

YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT RILEY.

I ASKED HER ABOUT GRAYSON, THE TYCOON CHARACTER,

AND SHE LIED TO ME.

I-I KNOW I TALKED YOU INTO THIS,

SO FEEL FREE TO THROW SOMETHING AT ME.

THURMAN MUNSON'S BASEBALL'S HANDY.

OH, BUT NOT IN THE FACE.

NO? MY STOMACH IS CLOSING IN ON ITSELF

LIKE THE "POLTERGEIST" HOUSE. IT'S CALLED GUILT.

WHAT, IS THAT WHAT THIS IS CALLED? IT'S AWFUL.

YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.

RILEY DIDN'T LIE.

SHE DIDN'T?

THAT SILVER FOX WASN'T HER SUGAR DADDY.

HE WAS HER DADDY DADDY.

SO I WASN'T WRONG.

MY GUT WASN'T WRONG.

IN YOUR FACE, MT. OLYMPUS DISCIPLINARY TRIBUNAL!

THE WORST PART IS, I THINK I LOST HER FOREVER.

IN YOUR FACE, DR. CLAIRE

"MAYBE YOU SHOULD QUIT BELIEVING IN YOURSELF" McCRAE! (laughs)

GLAD TO SEE YOU DON'T FIND THE "LOST HER FOREVER" PART

AS DEPRESSING AS I DO. WAIT. WHAT?

NICK KAZARIAN, P.I.,

WHAT DID YOU DO?

THE CRAZY THING? I KNOW MY DAD SOUNDS LIKE A VILLAIN

IN ALL THIS, AND, HMM, MAYBE HE IS.

HE'S RIGHT TO BE WORRIED ABOUT HIS FORTUNE.

ONE OF HIS BIGGEST FEARS, HE SAYS,

IS I'LL TAKE MY INHERITANCE CHECK

AND PUT IT IN A HOBO'S TIN CUP.

"HOBO"--HIS WORD. ACTUALLY, THE CHECK PART DOES SOUND LIKE YOU.

(laughs) HIS OTHER FEAR IS THAT I'LL MARRY BADLY.

WHEN I WAS, OH, 25,

MY FATHER BEGGED ME TO GO OUT WITH BRENT CHASE,

THIS YOUNG V.P. FROM HIS COMPANY.

I EVENTUALLY AGREED TO AN INTRODUCTION,

AND, UH, SURPRISE, SURPRISE, WE HIT IT OFF.

HE WAS MY KIND OF GUY--

A MENTOR TO AN INNER-CITY GANG KID.

HE TAUGHT ADULT LITERACY CLASSES.

HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM AT A BREAST CANCER 10-K.

SOMETHING BAD IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN, ISN'T IT?

BEFORE THE WEDDING, I DISCOVERED THAT MY FATHER

HAD BASICALLY INVENTED BRANT.

HE, UH, HE COACHED HIM.

HE DIRECTED HIM EVERY STEP OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.

I WAS ABOUT TO MARRY A MAN

WHO WAS A COMPLETE WORK OF FICTION.

THAT IS A REMARKABLE STORY.

AH, RICH PEOPLE.

CRAZY, RIGHT?

SO THAT'S WHEN I CHANGED MY NAME,

LEGALLY.

AND I MOVED HERE,

DETERMINED TO LIVE LIFE ON MY TERMS.

AND I JUST--I THOUGHT I SAW SOMETHING IN NICK--

A SWEETNESS BENEATH THAT SEEN-IT-ALL FACADE. I...

SPEAK, PLEASE. PERMISSION GRANTED.

AN "I TOLD YOU SO" IS SO DESERVED HERE.

ALL I WANTED TO SAY IS THAT SWEETNESS IN NICK--

I SAW IT, TOO.

(knock on door)

MR. KAZARIAN.

I DON'T HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.

WELL, WALK-INS WELCOME. HAVE A SEAT, MR. DAVIS.

YES, OF COURSE YOU KNOW WHO I AM.

MY NAME, AFTER ALL, IS WHY WE'RE ALL HERE.

THIS IS MY LAWYER-- MR. STRATHMORE.

YEAH, I GUESSED. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

ACTUALLY, I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU.

(Lita) LOWER, TREVOR.

A LITTLE LOWER. LOWER, A LITTLE LOWER.

LIKE, AN INCH LOWER. LIKE--LIKE ANOTHER INCH?

WELL, ANOTHER INCH. UGH, YOU WENT TOO FAR DOWN.

GO BACK UP. I HOPE CORY FINDS THIS ROMANTIC,

BECAUSE YOU'RE KILLING THE MOOD FOR ME. DUDE.

CORY'S COMING TO THE PARTY, SO WHY DON'T YOU ASK HIM?

UH, CORY PUNCHING TREVOR WILL SHOW A SERIOUS COMMITMENT

TO THE RELATIONSHIP, RIGHT? THOUGH I GUESS

BRINGING MY DATE TO A FAMILY PARTY WILL DO THE SAME THING.

SEE, I THOUGHT MIRA AGREEING TO BE MY DATE FOR THE PARTY

WAS A PROMISING SIGN.

GOOD TO KNOW WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE ABOUT SOMETHING. GOOD TO KNOW.

I GUESS CORY'S PROBLEMS WITH MY DATING HIS MOTHER WENT AWAY

IF HE'S COMING TO THE PARTY. NO, ACTUALLY, THEY HAVEN'T.

HE JUST KNOWS HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS TO ME.

DAD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHY DON'T YOU GET IN THE CAR?

I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD SEE.

(Grayson) I APOLOGIZE FOR THE POOR CAMERA ANGLE.

JEFFREY FOUND A WONDER BRIEFCASE

THAT CONCEALS A SMALL VIDEO CAMERA.

(presses key) (Grayson) IT'S VERY SIMPLE, MR. KAZARIAN.

YOU SIGN THIS CONTRACT

AGREEING TO STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER,

AND YOU GET A CHECK FOR $100,000.

(Nick) JEEZ, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I'M NOT KNOWN FOR MY PRACTICAL JOKES, MR. KAZARIAN.

100 GRAND?

WELL...

WHERE DO I SIGN?

I THINK YOU GET THE PICTURE.

(sniffles)

RILEY, TRY AND CALM DOWN A LITTLE, OKAY?

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?

MY FATHER'S LAWYER VIDEOTAPED IT. I SAW THE WHOLE THING.

Nick couldn't sign the contract

FAST ENOUGH.

I, UM...

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SO SHOCKED.

WHY THE HELL DID I THINK THIS TIME WOULD BE DIFFERENT, HUH?

BECAUSE I TOLD YOU NICK WAS DIFFERENT.

WHERE ARE YOU? I'LL COME PICK YOU UP.

PARKED IN FRONT OF THE SOHO GRAND,

WAITING FOR MY DAD TO GET HIS LUGGAGE.

I'm going back home to Boston,

AT LEAST FOR A WHILE.

(knock on door)

HEY THERE. HEY.

(both laugh)

MMM. WOW, YOU LOOK NICE.

THANKS. THIS IS A NICE SURPRISE.

WERE WE MEETING HERE?

I THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET DOWNSTAIRS LATER.

UH, ACTUALLY, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THAT.

HOW ABOUT I MEET YOU BACK HERE AFTER THE PARTY, AFTER YOU'VE

GOT ALL YOUR FAMILIAL OBLIGATIONS OUT OF THE WAY

AND YOU'RE ALL LIQUORED UP? (laughs) (laughs)

I WAS KINDA HOPING TO INTRODUCE YOU AROUND.

YOUR PARENTS' 40th ANNIVERSARY PARTY

MIGHT BE A BIT ON THE INTENSE SIDE FOR ME.

I JUST DON'T THINK I'M READY FOR THAT.

SO SHOULD I COME BY AFTER THE PARTY

FOR SOME QUALITY ALONE TIME?

(man) ♪ ALWAYS AND FOREVER ♪

♪♪

♪ EACH MOMENT WITH YOU ♪

(trumpet plays)

♪ IS JUST LIKE A DREAM TO ME ♪

♪ THAT SOMEHOW CAME TRUE ♪

♪ AND I KNOW TOMORROW ♪

♪ WILL STILL BE THE SAME ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT A LIFE... ♪

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR FRIEND NICK DID?

AH, HE SCREWED UP, BUT HE'S GONNA MAKE IT UP TO HER.

HE'S TRYING TO TRACK HER DOWN NOW.

I'M SURPRISED I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM. MAKE IT UP TO HER, HOW?

WHAT'S HE GONNA DO, SEND HER SOME FLOWERS AND A LITTLE NOTE?

"SORRY ABOUT BREAKING YOUR HEART,

BUT 100 GRAND IS A LOT OF MONEY." SEE, I-I DON'T UNDERSTAND

ANYTHING YOU'RE SAYING RIGHT NOW.

HE SPIED ON HER. HE MISTOOK HER DAD FOR HER LOVER.

IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYBODY. WHAT'S THIS ABOUT MONEY?

RILEY'S FATHER OFFERED NICK $100,000 TO WALK AWAY

FROM HIS DAUGHTER. NICK DIDN'T THINK TWICE.

HE SIGNED THE CONTRACT, RILEY SAW THE VIDEO.

IS IT SINKING IN NOW? ARE YOU GETTING THE PICTURE? OH, HOW COULD HE?

LET'S ASK HIM.

I CAN'T FIND RILEY ANYWHERE.

SHE'S NOT AT HER PLACE, NOT AT WORK...

WHY DO YOU NEED TO FIND HER?

DID YOU AGREE TO NEVER SEE HER AGAIN? I'M SORRY?

IT'S ON VIDEO, NICK. DON'T DENY IT.

THEY VIDEOTAPED IT, HUH?

(laughs)

(Manchester Orchestra) ♪ I REMEMBER, HEAD DOWN ♪

(cell phone vibrating) ♪ AFTER YOU HAD FOUND OUT MANNA IS A HELL OF A DRUG ♪

♪ AND I NEED A LITTLE MORE, I THINK ♪

♪ BECAUSE ENOUGH IS NEVER QUITE ENOUGH ♪

♪ WHAT'S ENOUGH? ♪

♪♪

(music stops)

(taps key)

(taps key)

(taps key)

(taps key)

THERE YOU GO.

THIS IS THE RIGHT DECISION FOR EVERYONE.

HOLD ON.

"JOE KING"?

YOU'RE "JOE KING"?

YES, I AM.

MOST DEFINITELY.

PUT AWAY YOUR CHECKBOOK, MR. DAVIS.

YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO KEEP ME AWAY

FROM YOUR DAUGHTER.

♪♪

ANY WORD BACK FROM RILEY YET? SHE'S GOT A LOT TO SORT OUT.

YEAH, HE COULD'VE ERASED THE PART

WHERE I REFUSED TO SIGN. TIME FOR MY SPEECH.

HEY. YOU MIND BRINGING SOME CHAMPAGNE AROUND?

NO, THAT'S MY JOB. HEY, WHEN'S, UH, MIRA GETTING HERE? SHE'S NOT COMING.

THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT BETWEEN US. DUDE, THAT'S MY BEAD YOU'RE THROWING AWAY.

WE WEREN'T ON THE SAME PAGE, YOU KNOW?

NOT LIKE THAT.

(cheers and applause)

OH, BOY, I CATCH A LOT OF FLACK.

JUST A FEW DAYS AGO, ONE OF MY EMPLOYEES ASKED WHY,

GIVEN THE PARADE OF ATTRACTIVE LADIES

THAT COMES IN HERE

AND GIVEN THAT I HAVE SUCH A POSITIVE EXAMPLE IN MY LIFE--

MY PARENTS, MARRIED 40 YEARS TODAY... (applause)

WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?

(man) BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE GIRLS! YEAH, THANK YOU.

(laughter, microphone feedback whines)

THANKS FOR THE-- THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT.

THE, UH, FACT IS,

THAT IT'S PRECISELY BECAUSE OF THEIR EXAMPLE

THAT I'M STILL ON MY OWN.

I'VE BEEN AROUND FOR MOST OF THEIR 40 YEARS TOGETHER,

SO I KNOW WHAT TRUE LOVE LOOKS LIKE.

AND EVERY TIME I-I MEASURE ONE OF MY RELATIONSHIPS

AGAINST THEIR STANDARD, IT COMES UP SHORT.

AND I KNOW--I KNOW I GOTTA KEEP LOOKING.

I GOTTA KEEP LOOKING BECAUSE I WANT WHAT THEY'VE GOT.

AND I WANT LITA TO FIND THAT, TOO.

SO HOW DOES THE PROPRIETOR

OF ONE OF NEW YORK'S FINEST ADULT THEATERS

CONVINCE A KINDERGARTEN TEACHER TO SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE

WITH HIM, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS? (laughter)

WELL, HE DIVES IN,

DOESN'T GIVE HER A CHANCE TO THINK ABOUT IT.

72 HOURS, RIGHT, POP?

THAT'S HOW LONG THE ENTIRE GUS AND BIBI COURTSHIP LASTED.

WHEN MY DAD MAKES A DECISION...

IT'S MADE.

THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT, POP.

SO IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND JOINING ME IN A TOAST

TO MY PARENTS...

(man) HEAR, HEAR. (woman) CHEERS.

MAMA...

POP.

THANK YOU FOR SETTING THE BAR SO HIGH.

I LOVE YOU. CHEERS.

(all cheering) SALUD.

(clink)

(Riley) NICK?

(chuckles softly)

THAT WAS SOME KISS THERE, JOE KING.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA TOP THAT, HUH?

MARRY ME.

(laughs)

UH, UH, I'M--I'M SORRY. WHAT?

LET'S GET MARRIED.

YOU SHOULD, UM, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KNOW

THAT, UH, WHEN I TOLD MY DAD TO TURN AROUND THE CAR, HE--

HE TOLD ME HE WAS DISOWNING ME.

YOU'RE MARRYING A PENNILESS SOCIAL WORKER.

THEN THAT'S A YES?

(cheering)

WHOO! YAY!

I SUPPOSE THIS MEANS YOU FEEL VALIDATED.

YOU'RE BACK TO MATCHING BY THE GUT?

NO MORE SELF-DOUBT?

I'M NOT SURE. THINGS DIDN'T EXACTLY WORK OUT FOR FELIX.

I'M THINKING ABOUT GOING WITH THE "THROW A BUNCH OF STUFF

UP AGAINST THE WALL, SEE WHAT STICKS" THEORY. HEY! ISN'T THAT WHAT GOT YOU

INTO TROUBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE--RANDOM ARROWS?

THANKS, CLAIRE. YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND.

AND YOU WERE SO RIGHT. (laughs)

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU WERE RIGHT?

HOW WERE YOU-- I WAS RIGHT.

HEY, I MADE THIS MATCH.

I'M NOT SHARING CREDIT ON THIS.

I DON'T KNOW, TREVOR. I DID A LOT OF HEAVY LIFTING.

WHAT? HOW?

YOU WERE A-A NAYSAYER, A POOH-POOHER. CLAIRE!

I CAN MAKE THAT MEETING. WE'LL BE THERE TOGETHER.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER. I GOT SOME ERRANDS TO RUN.

MISS! EXCUSE ME! MISS?