All language subtitles for Call.me.Kat.S01E13.WEBRip.x264-ION10

So yeah, I'm throwing
a Cat-A-Versary party,

because the caf�'s been open
a year, can you believe it?

It's a fundraiser for
the Humane Society.

There'll be cats in costumes

and a photo booth and kettle corn.

Kettle corn? You should
have led with that. I'm in.

Great. So, uh...

how's tall and grumpy doing?

Oh, he's a pure delight around me,

but when I mentioned you earlier,

he clenched his fist so hard
he broke the soda gun.

Well, I am undeterred.

Hey, Max, I-I'd love to see you
at my Cat-A-Versary party.

Uh, Carter's gonna be there,
my mom's coming.

She's auditioning for the musical Cats

at the community theater, so
she's been spending a lot of time

at the caf� to research cat behavior.

Here's your coffee, Mother.

Look, I get that you're
still upset with me

for reaching out to your ex-girlfriend

while on sleeping medication
not prescribed to me, but...

Oh, men's room? Ha.

Still undeterred.

Deterred. Definitely deterred.

- Wow, that looks amazing.
- Thanks.

- _
- I've been doing squats.

Katharine, please help me
get this feline off my lap.

Oh, Mr. Mousekers never falls
asleep in someone's lap.

Well, he's been here quite a while,

and now I have to use the ladies' room,

and his weight is pressing
on my bladder.

Please don't bring up his weight.

He just got his confidence back up.

Mr. Mousekers...

Uh-oh.

What's wrong?

- Mommy?
- Yes?

I don't think Mr. Mousekers is sleeping.

Oh...

Well, I hate to be the
bearer of bad news,

but the oven just crapped out.

I mean, honestly, can you think
of anything worse to happen

before our Cat-A-Versary party?

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Kat, he was old, but you
gave him a great life.

Every time he would lay on your laptop,

you would just stop working
so he could sleep there.

And then you bought him his own computer

so he could lay right by you.

Which I'd like to call dibs on.

Not the time.

I just have that same
heavy feeling in my heart

that I had when my dad died.

And, disturbing coincidence,

they both died on top of my mother.

Well, just remind yourself
it's a cat and not a person.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, I know it's a
cat and not a person.

A cat that I loved very deeply.

The first cat I rescued.

The only cat who knew
how to pee on a potty.

And do you know who
taught him to do that?

No one. He learned just by
observing human behavior.

He was that smart.

Okay, I'm sorry. That came out wrong.

I'm just... I'm gonna go
upstairs for a little bit.

Alone.

Randi, I'm having Mr.
Mousekers cremated.

Can you pick up his ashes later today?

There's nothing I'd rather do.

Well, there are some things,
but once again, not the time.

And I'm gonna cancel the party.

I don't even care if I don't
get my deposit back

on that ice cat sculpture.

I didn't want to burst her bubble,

but I'm the one who taught
that cat to pee on the terlet.

Ooh, this is a nice surprise.

A hot chick and a gift?

A hot chick, yes. Gift, no.

These are Mr. Mousekers' ashes.

The pet crematorium is
only two blocks away,

so I figured I'd stop by.

You didn't figure you should
leave those in the car?

No way! What if his cat ghost got out

and started haunting my car,

changing my radio
presets to smooth jazz?

Great,

now I'm thinking about a dead cat
more than I'm thinking about stuff

that we're not supposed to talk
about in front of our friends.

So you're complaining that I stopped by?

Get in here with your dead cat.

I came up to bring you some dinner

and to tell you I think you
should go ahead with the party.

Oh, I can't. I've suffered a great loss.

I'm also still really upset that
Oscar felt the need to point out

that animals are not people.

I mean, obviously, if my
house was burning down,

and I could only grab
the baby or the cat,

you know what I'd do.

- Grab the baby?
- What baby, Phil?!

The imaginary baby?

No, I'd grab the real cats. All of them.

Okay, I know you're in mourning,
but where I come from,

even a funeral is a big party
to celebrate someone's life.

You know, connect with each other

over memories of the one we lost.

In my family, we called
them "fun-erals,"

- Fun-erals?
- Yeah, we'd all get together,

eat food, we'd sing hymns

with the Crumpler Bluegrass Band.

Well, that's nice, Phil, but I just...

I don't think I'm there yet.

- Oh.
- Also, your relentless positivity

is annoying me a little bit.

Well, roger that.

I'll check on you tomorrow.

Still open, Phil.

Hey.

Hey...

Heard about Mr. Mousekers.

Remember when my dog Winston
died back in college?

We stayed up all night
and told Winston stories.

I remember we polished
off a bottle of bourbon,

and I fell asleep with my legs
sticking out of your doggy door

because I was so hot.

Well, I'm here to return the favor.

- Oh.
- It's the good stuff.

Don't mention it to Carter.
I told him I dropped it.

And then he jumped up on the couch

and dropped that little
felt mouse in my lap.

And I was actually having
a crappy day and I thought,

"Thanks, dude, that helps."

He did that to me once with a real mouse

with its head chewed off.

I thought, well, it's the
thought that counts.

Well, chewed mice aside,

sometimes I think animals
are better than people.

Or at least easier to get along with.

I wish a million times over

that I hadn't contacted Brigitte.

She forwarded me the
e-mail you sent her.

It was actually very complimentary.

Some of it was...

... was in Old English.

You kept saying I was "a truepenny"

and "straight-fingered."

I was so out of it.

I even sent an e-mail to the government

asking for jury duty.

Luckily it didn't go through

'cause I had just typed
in, "To Government."

Hey, at least now I know
where Brigitte stands.

And it is kind of freeing.

That's exactly how I felt
when you rejected me.

Free!

Well, let me know if you ever
need me to reject you again.

Yeah, I don't think I'll ever
need you to do that again,

but thanks for the offer.

You know I'm kidding, right?

Of course I know you're kidding.

It's what we do. We kid.

Wow, it is late.
I should-I should probably go.

Yeah, me, too.

- Uh, you live here.
- Yeah, that sounds about right.

All right, I just need to grab
one part out of the truck

- and you will be good to go.
- Will I?

'Cause you've been working
on that oven for five hours.

I'm beginning to think you're
the one missing a part, Ray.

Hey, ovens are like women.

You can't always get 'em to
cook when you want 'em to.

I bet your wife loves
crawling into bed with you

after you make comments like that.

Joke's on you, I'm divorced.

Hey, Phil. Oh, Ray, is the oven working?

No, but Ray is working my nerves.

Don't listen to this little doughboy.

Thems are fighting words, Ray!

No, these are fighting words.

I don't think your mama used enough
yeast when she made you,

'cause you never finished rising.

Don't you talk about my mama's yeast!

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Gentlemen, we could all be dead

in someone's lap tomorrow;
let's not fight.

Ray, can you fix the oven by tomorrow?

I can fix it before that

as long as doughboy stays in his can.

- Hey, leave Phil alone.
- Yeah, leave Phil alone!!

I have such a crush on him.

What? You were just fighting with him.

Yeah, fighting my feelings for him.

I don't know what is going on, Kat,

but when he showed up to fix that oven,

something deep inside of me

said we were meant to be together.

I'm very interested, very invested,

but can we table that for now?

Sure.

I came in to tell you that
the party is back on.

But I'm changing it to a fun-eral.

You were right. Loss can connect people.

It got me and Max talking again.

I am so happy to hear that.

Maybe if I dust my banjo off,

I can get you and Max to sing

some of my favorite
hymns at the fun-eral.

I would be honored.

All right, I'm gonna
go to the craft store

and get some supplies
for a memorial board.

I might even pick up a
new 3-D jigsaw puzzle

'cause I've been through a
lot and I think I deserve it.

Randi, did you get Mr. Mousekers' ashes?

Yeah, I got 'em. I got 'em.

Are you sure? 'Cause you said that

like maybe you don't got 'em.

I said, yeah, I got 'em,

and then I repeated "I got 'em"

upstairs in my purse,

'cause that's where I got 'em at.

Okay, great. Uh, Phil, get her
up to speed on the fun-eral.

If it's a fun funeral, I'm up to speed.

Hey, I think I left my box of cat ashes

at your house last night.

Yeah, you did, which explains
why Mr. Mousekers

was a fortune-teller in
my dream last night.

He told me I was good in
bed. What do you think?

Tell me you brought that damn box.

Hang tight.

Uh-oh.

What?

Don't be mad, the box is in the car.

Okay, so just go get it.

Here's where the mad part comes in.

When I say "the" car,
I don't mean my car.

See, my car's in the shop, so
I took a ride service to work,

so it's in that car.

Ask me if you're good in bed again.

I don't want to.

I am doing my best with this tiny oven,

but it's like trying to paint a barn

with a Q-tip.

- Hey, is, uh, Kat home?
- Hey, Oscar.

No, she's still out shopping
for the fun-eral.

I came by to apologize for
the thing I said earlier

about cats not being people.

The florist was also pretty pissed
when I told her the story,

so apparently,
I've really hit a nerve here.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

she's gonna be way more pissed

when she finds out I'm responsible

for Mr. Mousekers' ashes
being left in a car service

and the driver's not texting me back.

Oh, that is way worse than my thing.

Thanks for taking the heat off.

Sounds like a 12-fingered
angel is playing my banjo.

Huh, Tucks?

I'll be damned, Ray.

You're like one of them idiots
who can do one amazing thing.

This your banjo?

Yeah. But run your fingers
up and down it all you want.

Excuse me?

Oh, nothing.

Aren't those flowers
Oscar brought you nice?

Honestly, I've never been much

of a "flowers as a gift" type of person.

It's just another thing to watch die.

Damn, you're kind of bitchy
when your cat dies.

You know what doesn't die?

That bourbon Max brought me.

Uh-oh. What's your point?

I'm just saying that it's
interesting to compare

the way Oscar handled this
tragic event in my life

to the way Max has handled it.

No, no, no, no, no.

You cannot compare
Oscar and Max like that.

Max is not your boyfriend,

and by his own admission, never will be.

I know, but there was this moment

when Max and I were talking last night

that I thought maybe
he was gonna kiss me.

You thought I was gonna kiss
you last margarita night.

You leaned in.

Kat, grief makes people
feel confusing things.

You have to calm yourself,
close your eyes

and focus on the guy
you're getting naked with.

I can do that.

Uh, Wyatt, this is a memorial board

for the pets who have left us too soon.

That's a human.

It's my grandma. Her name was Lassie.

Here are the words to the hymn
in case you get choked up

and don't remember them.

Oh, I'm done being sad, Phil.

I mean, look how well this is going.

Everyone loves the memorial board.

Lot more iguanas than I
thought there would be.

Yes. Must have been that cold snap.

Oh, no.

Oscar's gonna be late
'cause he has a work thing?

I mean, who's gonna squeeze my hand

before I recite my poem?

You know, I'm still annoyed at him,

but I'm not above using
him for physical comfort.

Well, I can do it, but it ends
with the hand squeeze.

- Hello, Katharine.
- Oh, Mother.

Geez. You scared me.

You look just like Mr. Mousekers.

He was my inspiration.

It was easy since I can't get his
dead little face out of my head.

You know, I felt a bit traumatized,

since he died right in my lap.

I felt like maybe he was tagging me.

"Hey, lady, you're next."

It crossed my mind as well.

Then, while I was belting out
"Memory" at my audition,

I had another thought.

Maybe Mr. Mousekers was
looking for a-a special place

to cross over.

Maybe he came to me for comfort.

He trusted me.

That's beautiful.

Yes, that's what they
said at the audition.

They cast me on the spot.

Not the role I auditioned
for... it was too young...

but I still get to crawl around

and interact with the audience

before the show.

So, you're more of a dog person, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.

Hmm. You had a dog, you act like a dog.

Are you being funny or mean?
What's happening?

What's happening is you're showing up

at my girl Kat's place with
your booze and your hair

and your big old teeth
and confusing her,

making her think you're gonna kiss her.

- Did she say that?
- Randi.

I need to talk to you.

E-Excuse me.

Carter and I have
never spoken privately,

so this must be important.

Stay, dog.

The ashes are two hours away.

Says traffic's real bad on the highway.

Well, then text him back

and tell him a real man would
be driving on the grass.

It's all good. I got us covered.

We'll tell Kat the ashes are in here.

That looks like it was
painted by a child.

Well, C.J. made it for
me for Father's Day.

I even filled it with rice so
the weight would be right.

This sounds like rice.

Well, you only thinking about
rice 'cause I said it was rice.

Hey, Randi, I'm about
to start the memorial.

I need Mr. Mousekers' ashes.

Makes sense.

Uh, can I have them?

Of course.

They said not to shake it,
out of respect.

Uh, this is not the box that I ordered.

I ordered a-a pretty one made of walnut

with a plaque and little paw prints.

Well, they said this
was the temporary one,

because the nice one takes a while.

Yeah, because there's
a walnut wood shortage.

Makes you think, we really
only have one Earth.

I'd like to thank you all
for coming here today

to celebrate the furry friends
we've loved and lost.

Oh, uh, quick announcement,

I did extend the kettle corn guy

for another 30 minutes.

Thank you, sir. No need for pushing.

It's just sweet popcorn.

Um, I've written a poem to
honor my cat Mr. Mousekers,

whose passing inspired
this beautiful gathering.

"God, feed my cat smoked salmon up there

"and take him on long drives,

"and tell him just how great he was

"in all of his nine lives.

"Make the days real bright for him

"so he can lie out in the sun.

"Oh, and get a laser pointer.

"He thinks that's really fun.

"If you lose him, don't be frightened.

"He's probably in a drawer.

"Or sitting in a box somewhere.

"He thinks that's what they're for.

Love you, Lassie.

"I know you're awfully busy
and have many pets to love,

"but tell mine that I miss him

and give him an extra hug."

All right, now I'd like to invite
some friends to join me up here

and liven things up a little bit.

* Some glad morning *

* When this life is over *

* I'll fly away *

* To the home on God's celestial shore *

* I'll fly away *

* I'll fly away, oh *
* Glory *

* I'll fly away *

- * In the morning *
- * When I die *

* Hallelujah, by and by *

* I'll fly away *

* When the shadows... *

Can you believe she owns this place

and has a cute young boyfriend?

I didn't think those two
things could coexist,

but I'm happy to be proven wrong.

Put a cork in it, cat lady.
I'm trying to listen.

* I'll fly away, oh *
* Glory *

* I'll fly away *

* In the morning *

* When I die *
* Hallelujah, by and by *

* I'll fly away. *

Kat, guess what?

I asked Ray to form a
bluegrass band with me

and he said yes.

Oh, so your feeling was right.

You were meant to be together.

Just, in a band, not in holy matrimony.

Yeah, but I can still live
with hope in my heart.

Hey. I loved your poem.

I bet Mr. Mousekers and Winston

are probably smiling
down on us right now.

Mr. Mousekers was never
really one for smiling.

When he was happy,
he'd-he'd look past you

and rub his butt up against your arm.

I had an ex who did that.

- Julia.
- Sophomore year.

Kat, I-I, uh, feel like I need
to tell you something.

Um, come here.

- Are you mad at me again?
- No.

Is it 'cause I was pitchy
during the singing?

- Mm, no.
- Sometimes I get pitchy

- 'cause I'm caught up in my spoons.
- No. No.

No, I just, I want to...

I just want to clear up something

about the other night when I came over.

The reason Brigitte broke up
with me in the first place

is because she never
felt like I was all in.

And she was right. I always
felt like something was missing.

And what was missing was
a-a real friendship with her.

Like the one we have.

So...

if you felt like I wanted
to kiss you the other night,

it's because I did.

Did you know this and
you never said anything?

I like to keep things
mysterious and suspenseful.

Look, I know this is bad timing,

'cause you're dating somebody,

but if there's one thing
I learned from you,

is that it's better to make a bold move.

So, this is my bold move.

Wow.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, you were right.

- Your timing is, like, ugh.
- Way off, I know.

Um, yeah.

Okay, well, I'm gonna go, uh,
splash some cold water on my face.

And I'm gonna go reapply my deodorant,
like, uh, like, a lot of it.

Oh.

Mr. Mousekers!

Is this... Is this rice?

I can explain.

Y-You know how in the Bible,
things turn into other things?

I believe we have a
miracle on our hands.

Randi, what is going on?

Okay, see, after I picked
up Mr. Mousekers' ashes,

I accidentally left
them in a car service.

And by the time I contacted
the driver, he was in Chicago,

ironically, to comfort his mother,

who had just lost her cat.

You can't make this stuff up.

And I didn't have time

to drop everything and go to Chicago.

So where is Mr. Mousekers now?

He's right here.

You didn't have to work late?

You went all the way to
Chicago for Mr. Mousekers?

If something is important to
you, it's important to me.

Do I smell kettle corn? I haven't
eaten in, like, ten hours.

Yeah. Go get some.

Katharine, this cat and
I both dipped our paws

into the shrimp cocktail
at the same time.

I think I've found my soul mate.

Oh. Good for you, Mother.

That makes one of us.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
... www.addic7ed.com ...