All language subtitles for Bruce Almighty-English

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They've owned this shop
for 30 years, and they are
attempting to set a record

by making
Buffalo's largest cookie,
and you have to wear this.

A hair net?
Health department.

You're kidding me.
lf you're working
around the cookie,

you have to have it on.

It's the Iaw.
l just did the hair.
The hair is perfect.

AII right. Give it to me.

God, why do you hate me?

We're rolling. And speed.

For three decades,
the Kowolski family bakery

has been a mainstay
in downtown Buffalo,

known for their
sinfully sweet,
cream-filled Polski Pierogis,

and the occasional
sugar-induced coma
that follows.

But today, in honor of
their 30th anniversary,

they've invited us
to ride along
as they go for the record

on Buffalo's biggest cookie.

Vol. Vol.
You need a tissue
or something?

Can we get Vol a tissue
or a spoon?

lt's a good thing
we're wearing these today,

'cause l wouldn't want
any stray hairs

to fall into the booger.

Are we gonna do this again?
No. We can cut to B-roll.

Moving on ! So tell me, Mama.
Why make
Buffalo's biggest cookie?

Well, man
from health department

say he find
rat pellet in our pastry,
but l say, "No."

ls big chocolate sprinkle.
But he shut store down.

So we clean up,
make big cookie

for to bring customers back.

Well, l admire your candor.
Let's try that again,
shall we?

So tell me, Mama.
Why make
Buffalo's biggest cookie?

So the children
of the neighborhood
will be happy?

That's right. lt must be
wonderful seeing the smiles
on their little faces.

l work in back.
l see no smiles.

The previous Buffalo record
was eight feet, seven inches,

baked by Gladys Pelsnick.

lf this cookie beats Gladys's,
it will prove once and for all

that the Kowolskis
have much more free time.

And the cookie is 1 0 feet,
four inches.

We have a new record !

Cue the cheesy
inspirational music!

(CHARIOTS OF FIRE THEME
PLAYlNG)

But what are we
really looking at here?

ls it just a big cookie,
or does this cookie represent
the pride of Buffalo,

its dedicated
and hardworking citizens
the key ingredient,

with a few nuts thrown in,

and, finally, the love of
our families, which provides
the warm, chewy center,

making our beloved Buffalo
the sweetest place to live.

And that's the way
the cookie crumbles.

l'm Bruce Nolan,
Eyewitness News.
MAN: And cut it.

What do you think?

l think it's really good.
lt sucks.

lt's a story about a cookie.

The Pillsbury Doughboy
will be riveted.

Honey, it was funny.
lt made me laugh.

There's nothing wrong
with making people laugh.

l'll never be an anchorman,
not with this.

The job's right there,
but l can't reach it,

because every time
they make me do this stuff,

l have to act
like a total goof
in order to make it work.

l have no credibility.
Not good. Not good.

You know what?
Now you're just
sounding silly.

Know what? Forget it.

lt's not important, right?
lt's not important.

Let's watch it one more time.
Oh, no.

Just once more. Please?
No. No.

Bruce, you promised
you would help
with this album.

Now, you get
your goofy butt over here.

(WHlMPERlNG)

Uh-uh.

Okay.

Okay. Okay. Now, you just
go through this stack,

and you pick
your favorites.

Oh, come on.
This is fun. Right?
lsn't this fun?

This is nice.

Evan's gonna get
that anchor job,
l just know it.

Ah, Bruce!
He's the favorite.

All right. You know what?
Just forget it.
Let's just forget it.

This is just our life.
We can always just have
some kid do it for us.

Whoa! Hold the phone!
l like this one.
Our weekend at the lake.

How did you get that?
That's supposed to be
in our private stash.

You look perky, hon.
lt must've been cold.
All right. Just give it to me.

l think l'll put this
on my computer

and use it as wallpaper.
No, no, no.

Okay. Give it to me. Come on !
No, no, no.

All right. Fine.
Do with it what you will.
l don't care.

l will do with it
what l will.
Jesus.

You know, l might even
send this in to Playboy.

l hear their layouts
can be quite tasteful.
Give that to me right now!

Jesus.
Right now!

Rough stuff!
l'm gonna hurt you. . .

(BEEPlNG)

Sweetie? Time to get up.

(MOANlNG)

Good dream. No. No.

Well, the Buffalo Sabres lost
again last night at the hands
of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

It was a shootout
on the ice for our home...
Of course. They're my team.

BRUCE: And that's the way
the cookie crumbles.

You know, l think
there might be something
to this cookie line.

All the greatest anchors
have had their own
signature sign-off,

like Wal-ter Cron-kite.

And that's the way it was.
That's the way
the cookie crumbles.

And that's the way. . .
l like it. . .

Oh, no. Grace, the dog !

GRACE: l'm in the shower!

No, Sam ! Bad dog !

lnside, bad. Outside, good.

(GASPlNG)

Oh, you're done now. Great.

B-E-A-utiful.

Come on.
Let's go back inside
and have a shit.

What is the deal-io?
We are having a blood drive.

Creepy. Needles. Yuck.

Well, they need my blood.
l have a very rare blood type.

l'm A. B. -positive.
Really?

l'm l. B. -positive.

l be positive,
they ain't touching me with
no needle. lt's just so. . .

Helpful and lifesaving?
No. lt's your blood.
lt's blood.

Blood's supposed to
stay inside the body.
That's where it's meant to be.

Besides, they stockpile
this stuff
in a warehouse somewhere.

lt's all frozen on ice,
and they tell everybody
there's a shortage.

That's just not true.
Where did you hear that?

From a very reliable
friend of a friend of a girl,

whose sister's going out
with someone very high up
in the government.

But for your own protection,
l cannot discuss it
at this time.

Now, get out
before they see us together.

Oh, no.

Oh. Here. Hold on a second.
You need these more than l do.

What is these?
Prayer beads.

The kids made them for me.
They will keep you safe.

l hope they're powerful.

l'm gonna need
a frigging miracle
to get to work on time.

(HORNS BLARlNG)

(MAN SCREAMlNG)

This isn't happening.
Not now.
Not during sweeps week.

Not during sweeps week!

(PAGER BEEPlNG)

Oh, God.

Yeah. Yeah.
Meeting's started without me.

This is my luck.
This is my luck!

Shit.

Oh, come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on !

(GRUNTS)

Jesus. Get out of there!

"R Ewe Blind."
No, but l'm late.

ls your child
in dire jeopardy?

Find out tonight
after the game.

Okay. Promos are approved.

Now, let's. . .
Uh, Jack,

shouldn't we be focusing
on Pete's retirement?

l mean, this is his last week.

Yeah, Jack. Any word on
the open anchor position?

Evan, when l know something,
you'll know something.

Sorry l'm late. Traffic was. . .

Did you guys
already play the spots?
lt's a nice story, Bruce,

but we're gonna go
with Evan's piece,

sex scandal
in the mayor's office
for sweeps.

Oh, yeah. Sweeps.

And that's the way
the cookie crumbles.

(SNlCKERlNG)

l'm just
messing with you, Bruce.

See, you just got to
remember that the newsroom
is like a big cookie.

(ALL SNlCKERlNG)

Do you like jazz, Evan?
Yeah.

Let me play something for you.

l can hold that note
all day, buddy.
JACK: Knock it off, guys.

Bruce, we're gonna
keep your story in reserve.

Now, can we get back
to the board,

so we'll have something
to put on the air today?

Great choice, Jack.
This is the Cadillac
of bolognas.

Okay. Thanks.
Jack, can l talk
to you a second?

Yeah. Sure, Bruce.
What do you need?
Sweeps.

Bruce.
Jack. Jack!
Hear me out here.

l'm starting
to get desperate, man.

l'm pushing 40,
and what have l got
to show for it?

l've hit some kind
of a ceiling here.

There's an anti-Bruce barrier
l can't get past.

And Evan is loving it,
by the way. Loving it.

He gets the stories.
He gets on sweeps. Maybe
l should be more like Evan.

You don't wanna be like Evan.
Evan's an asshole.

l can be an asshole.
No, Bruce. You can't.

You gonna pick that up?
Yeah. l'm sorry.
lt's. . . l'm losing it.

lt's just this
whole anchor thing opening up
has got me nuts.

JACK: Hi, Susan.

Hi, Susan.
Hi, Jack.

Look, Bruce.
You're a good reporter.
You make people laugh.

All right. l'll tell you what.
Today is the 1 56th anniversary
of the Maid of the Mist.

l want you at Niagara Falls
in an hour.

Maid of the Mist?
That's always live.

But Evan
always does live feeds.

Now you and Evan
get the live feeds.

l'm going live? During sweeps?
But watch your step, Bruce.

l've seen your outtakes.
Jack, you will
not regret this.

And l won't forget you
when l go national.
Uh, can you. . .

Thanks, pal.

Can l have your wish now?
l'm gonna put it in
the wish jar. Thank you.

Okay. Put your wish in there.
Me too.

Put your wish in there.
Look at that.
Looks like a big wish.

Oh, no, no. Oh, no. Martin,
don't. . . Don't eat that.
Don't eat that.

Don't put that in your mouth.
That's paste, honey.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

That must've tasted awful.
Mommy!

Oh, Zoe-Baboey!
Did you have a good time
with Aunt Crazy today?

Yeah? See how nice this is?
Baby on the hip?

Oh, it's amazing.
You've become Mom.

The transformation
is complete.

(TELEPHONE RlNGlNG)

Oh.
l'll get it.

DEBBIE:
SmaII Wonders Day Care.
Grace?

No. lt's Debbie,
the sister whose life
you're not wasting.

Oh, all right.
Okay, okay, okay.
Bye, Debbie!

Hi. Hi. Sorry. Debbie forgot
to take her meds today.
Where are you?

Oh, a little place called
the winner's circle. l'm at
the falls doing a live report.

Live? That's great!
Yeah ! lt's happening, hon.

l got sweeps, and l'm live.

You know what that means?
They're seeing
if l can think on my feet,

you know, like, l might
have to do in a live news
anchor situation.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah.
lt's what we've always
talked about, Grace.

Jack practically came out
and told me.
Practically?

Well, he didn't spell it out,
but legally, he can't.

But this is exactly
what happened to Susan Ortega

just before
they bumped her up.

lt's good. lt's good.
lt's good.

Okay. Well, honey,
l just don't. . .

l don't want you
to get too ahead of yourself.

Bruce?
Oh, l got to go.
They're calling me in.

Oh. Okay, honey.
Good luck. l love you.

Love, love, love,
love, love.

Let's do it.

ALLY: They want you
close to the falls.
BRUCE: Really?

l'm gonna get soaked.
That's the point.

They want you to put this on.

Part of the condition of us
getting the exclusive.

You know what?
Nothing can bother me today.
Nothing.

Okay. Now, remember.
lt's their
1 56th-year anniversary.

1 49 capacity.
Right.

They cater to tourists,
honeymooners. . .
And people insanely thirsty.

l get it.
Okay.

And you are gonna
be interviewing
lrene Dansfield.

lrene! Pleasure to meet you.
Truly.

You look beautiful.
lrene's mother rode on
the maiden voyage.

Wow. Rub that in my face,
why don't you?
Ninety seconds!

Ninety seconds? Holy hell.
Uh, yeah. Okay. 90 seconds?

Because of the fast response,
the toxic chemicals were
cleaned up without incident.

Susan?
Bruce Nolan is standing by
at Niagara Falls,

but before we go
live to Bruce, we have
an announcement to make.

As everyone knows,
after 33 years, our beloved
Pete Fineman is retiring.

Pete's shoes are
virtually impossible to fill,
but the show must go on,

and we couId think of
no one better than
our very own Evan Baxter.

Oh. . . Oh, boy.

Congratulations, Evan.
Thanks, Susan.
l'm thrilled and honored.

And as you said,

no one can replace
the great Pete Fineman,
but l will do my best.

l have to say, l am so proud
to be a part of our
local community of Buffalo,

and l think, in a lot of ways,
a great city is like
a great recipe, really.

You take hardworking citizens,
add some caregivers,
maybe a few nuts,

all sprinkled
with the love and support
of our good families.

Ultimately, that makes
one sweet place to live.

That was amazing.
l meant it.

l wish l'd written something.
And now let's go live

to that wacky Bruce Nolan
out at Niagara Falls.

Hey! Wacky Bruce!

Bruce? Talk, Bruce. Hello?

Talk, honey. Talk.
What's going on?

We got a Walt Disney.
He's frozen solid.

We may not have audio.
Check the feed.

We may be having a bit
of technical difficulty.

Feed's good, Jack.

Move. Come on. Come on.
Come on.
Talk, Bruce, damn it!

All right. Get ready
to pull the plug.
Come on, baby.
Say something.

Say something.
Bruce, talk.

Hi, Susan.
Oh, thank you, God.

Bruce NoIan here
aboard the Maid of the Mist

in fabulous Niagara Falls,
New York.

First off, let me just add
another congratulations
to Evan Backstabber. . .

Pardon me. Bastard.
Baxter, rather.

lt is good to see
what someone
with talent can do,

when great opportunities
are given to them
instead of me.

(BRUCE CHUCKLING)

Anyway, l'm here
with Katharine Hepburn's mom.
Tell me.

Why did you throw the blue
Heart of the Ocean jewel

over the railing
of the Titanic?

Did you feel bad at all
letting Leo DiCaprio drown,

while you were safe,
floating on the door?

Could you have taken turns,

or were you just too afraid
to freeze your big,
fat ass off?

l guess that's how life is,
isn't it?

Some people are drenched,
freezing to death on a stupid
boat, with a stupid hat,

while others
are in a comfy news studio,
sucking up all the glory.

Oh, well. No big deal.
MAN: Oh, boy.

Oh, look.
lt's the owner of
the Maid of the Mist.

Let's have a talk with him,
shall we?
Come on in here, Bill.

That's all right.
No, no, no, no. No, no.

Come on. Let's have a talk.

Come on. What are you doing?

Bill, you've been running
the Maid of the Mist
for 23 years now.

Tell me. Why do you think
l didn't get the anchor job?

Hey, man.
l don't want problems.
ls it my hair, Bill?

Are my teeth
not white enough?

Or like the great falls,
is the bedrock of my life
eroding beneath me?

Eroding ! Eroding ! Eroding !

Cut the feed. Go to black.

Go to black.
l'm on it.

l'm Bruce Nolan
for Eyewitness News.
Back to you, fuckers!

Oh, boy.
Oh, my God.

That is perfect.
That is the motivation
that l needed !

Right there! Thank you.

Thank you, W. K. B. W. !

Wimpy Kitty Baby Whiners!

That's what that stands for!

l'll see you on Channel 5,
where they do the real news.

(MEN CHATTERlNG)

Do l look blind to you?
Do l look blind to you?

Hey.
Let's go, man.
Come on. Let's go.

What are you doing over there?
Come on.
Leave the poor guy alone.

You okay, man?

Yeah, you'd better
keep walking.

What? What'd you say, ése?

Run, man ! Run !

Oh, God !

Okay, okay, okay!
l didn't mean it!
l was just kidding !

Hey, you forgot your things.

Say something to that.
Say something.

(GLASS SHATTERlNG)

(METAL SQUEAKlNG)

B-E-A-utiful.

That's what l get. . .

That's what l get
for trying to help someone.

Oh, don't look at me, Walter.

Oh, no!

Well, that's my payment,
l guess. That. . .
That is my reward.

Just? Just get a clue!

GRACE: Thank God
you're all right.

BRUCE: God. Yeah.
Let's thank God. Shall we?

For his blessings
are raining down upon me.

Wait! That's not rain !
Bruce, please
don't do that, honey.

You know that
everything happens
for a reason.

That l don't need.
That is a cliché.
That is not helpful to me.

A bird in the hand
is worth two in the bush.

l have no bird.
l have no bush. God has taken
my bird and my bush.

Oh, l see.
So God is picking on you,
is that what you're saying?

No. He's ignoring me
completely.

He's far too busy
giving Evan
everything he wants.

Oh, that's great, Sam,
but you missed your target.
l'm over here!

Don't get mad at the dog.
lt's not the dog's fault.

No. lt's God's fault.
l gave him
the wrong coordinates.

All right. You know what?
Enough. All right?

Will you stop being
such a martyr?

l am not being a martyr.
l'm a victim.

God is a mean kid
sitting on an anthill

with a magnifying glass,
and l'm the ant.

He could fix my life
in five minutes
if he wanted to,

but he'd rather
burn off my feelers
and watch me squirm !

Sweetheart,
l know you're mad.
lt's understandable.

What Evan did is slimy
and wrong, but this day
could've been so much worse.

l'm just glad you're okay.
Okay? News flash !
l'm not okay.

l'm not okay with
a mediocre job! l'm not okay
with a mediocre apartment.

l'm not okay
with a mediocre life!

So is that what you think
that we have?
A mediocre life?

Don't make this about you.
About me?

How could l make this
about me? lt's about you !
lt's always about you !

Perfect. Perfect.

l'll have
the worst day of my life

with a side order of guilt,
please!

(DOOR SLAMMlNG)

Oh.

Okay, God.
You want me to talk to you?

Then talk back.
Tell me what's going on.

What should l do?
Give me a signal.

Oh, l need
your guidance, Lord.
Please send me a sign.

Ah, what's this joker
doing now?

Okay. All right.
l'll try it your way.

All right.
Lord, l need a miracle.

l'm desperate.
l need your help, Lord.

Please reach into my life.
Hey!

(GRUNTS)

What the he. . . l got you !

(GROANlNG)

Hey!

(CHUCKLES ANGRlLY)

(GRUNTlNG)

Fine! The gloves are off, pal !

Come on !
Let me see a little wrath.

Smite me, O mighty smiter!

You're the one
who should be fired !

The only one around here
not doing his job is you !

Answer me!

(PAGER BEEPlNG)

Sorry. Don't know you.

Wouldn't call you if l did.

Oh.

(BEEPlNG)

Oh, God. Oh.

Hello, "555 01 23."

(SAM URlNATlNG)

Oh, no! Sam,
this has got to stop.

All right.
Now, get it straight here.

That's the house.
This is the bathroom.
House. Bathroom.

Bathroom. House.
House. Bathroom.
Bathroom. House.

What's the point?

(PAGER BEEPlNG)

"555 01 23"

(PHONE RINGING)

MAN ON RECORDING:
Denied that promotion at work?
Is Iife unfair?

Is there someone
less talented than you
reaping all the benefits?

ls your name Bruce?
Then do we have
the job for you.

We're Iocated at
77256 23rd Street.

So come on down,
or we'll just
keep beeping you.

(GLASS SHATTERlNG)

"Omni Presents."

Oh, yeah.
The glass is half full.

Oh, geez!

(GRUNTS)

Come on ! Look!
What is that? What is that?

Ah, geez! Thank you.
Thank you again.

What the. . .

You're looking for Room 7.

Yeah. l figured.

You want me
to even those up for you?

How do l get to Room 7?

That'll be on
the seventh floor.
Stairs are right over there.

l'd rather take the elevator.
Out of order.

l love the stairs though.
They were my second choice.

Do you mind giving me a hand
with this floor?

What? That's good.

Are you serious?

Oh, l'm kind of busy.

Um, rain check.
l'll hold you to it.

l'm free on the seventh
at 7:00.

Seventh at 7:00 it is.

This looks promising.

(METAL CLANKlNG)

Hello?
Another "hugantic, ginormic"
waste of my life.

Hello?

Yo! l'm looking
for whoever runs this joint.
MAN: Be right with you.

l'm trying to fix a light.
Tell me if it's working.

Yeah. Seems to be.

Kind of bright, though.
Yeah. lt is for most people.

Spend their lives in the dark
trying to hide from me.

Oh, the elevator's broken,
huh?

Yeah,
but l'll get around to it.

You install the Clapper?
No, but catchy jingle,
isn't it?

Clap on, clap off.
Clap on, clap off the Clapper.

Just can't
get it out of my head.

Good luck with that.
l'm gonna go now.

Okay. But the boss'll be
right out.

You must be Bruce.
l've been expecting you.

This is hilarious.

So you're the boss
and the electrician
and the janitor?

Must be
a killer Christmas party.
Don't get drunk, though.

One of you might need
a ride home.

You always were funny, Bruce,
just like your father.

He didn't mind
rolling up his sleeves,
either, son.

People underestimate
the benefit
of good old manual labor.

There's freedom in it.
Some of the happiest people
in the world

go home smelling
to high heaven
at the end of the day.

All right. What is this?

How do you know my father,
and how did you
get my pager number?

Oh, l know quite a lot
about you, Bruce,

just about everything
there is to know.

Everything
you've ever said or done
or thought about doing,

right there
in that file cabinet.

Wow. A whole drawer
just for me.
Yeah.

Mind if l take a look?
lt's your life.

This ought to be good.

(SCREAMlNG)

(BRUCE GASPlNG)

Now, this last entry
was a little disturbing.

"The gloves are off, God.

(GROANlNG)
"God has taken my bird
and my bush.

"God is a mean kid
with a magnifying glass.

"Smite me, O mighty smiter!"

Now, l'm not much
for blaspheming, but
that last one made me laugh.

Are you spying on me?

Who are you?

l'm the one.

Creator of the heavens
and the earth,
alpha and omega.

Oh, l see where this is going.

Bruce, l'm God.

Bingo! Yahtzee!
ls that your final answer?

Our survey says, "God !"
Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing !

Well, it was
nice to meet you, God.

Thank you
for the Grand Canyon,

and good luck
with the apocalypse.

Oh, and by the way, you suck!

You know what would've been
a little more impressive,
though?

lf you hadn't used
the cheesy
file cabinet illusion.

Anybody with a brain stem
can tell that

that drawer is being fed
through the wall
from the other side.

All you have to do is
find the crease,
right around here.

There is a seam here
or a hollow spot.

Where? Through the drywall
and concrete?

Okay. That is a good one.
That is a good one.

Okay. How many fingers
am l holding up?
Now, Bruce.

Thou shalt not
tempt the Lord. . .
Hey, if you can't do it,
man, that's cool.

Three. Two. Four.
Nine. Six. Eight. One.

Okay.

How many now?
Seven.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

(GASPS)

You've been doing
a lot of complaining
about me, Bruce.

And quite frankly,
l'm tired of it.
Wait. Don't come near me.

When l'm backed into a corner,
l'm like a wild animal.

l don't wanna hurt you,
but l will, out of instinct.

You haven't won a fight
since grade five,
and that was against a girl.

Yeah, but she was huge.
She had been held back.

And the sun was in your eyes.
Oh, there you go.

ln a way, l brought you here
to offer you a job.

Job? What job?
My job.

You think
you can do it better,
so here's your chance.

When you leave this building,
you will be endowed
with all my powers.

Whatever you say, pal.

Okay. That did not happen,
and no one
needs to hear about it.

l'm deleting the program.

No. No.
l'm having a breakdown,
that's what it is.

Normal, everyday
psychotic episode caused by
a tumor or brain lesion.

Come on. Start!

(ENGlNE STARTlNG)

That was lucky.

Come on, man. Calm down.

You did not meet God,
you do not have his powers.

(GUNSHOT)
lf that was God,
then l'm Clint Eastwood.

Holy hell !

Be careful
what you wish for, punk.

No. No. No.

l am a reasonable,
sane human being
with a .44 Magnum,

the most powerful handgun
in the wo. . .

l'm not Clint Eastwood.
l'm Bruce Nolan.

Bruce Nolan. l'm Bruce No-lan !

BRUCE: Oh, it's not real.
lt's not real.

Coffee?
Yeah. Uh, coffee. Yeah.

We have a special
on soup today.
No. That's fine. Thank you.

lt's tomato. l made it myself.

Okay.
Okay.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

(LAUGHS)

Excuse me. l need a sp. . .

lt's okay. l found one.

Here's your soup.

Oh, soup. Right.
Uh, yeah. Right.

(DOORBELL RlNGlNG)

(GASPS)
Having fun?

Thy. . . Thou. . .
Come.
Take a closer walk with me.

Let me explain the rules.
Rules?

Yeah. You left in such a rush,
l didn't get a chance
to explain.

Two extra fingers
freaked me out a little bit.

l just figured
l'd get your attention.

l did the same thing
to Gandhi,
he didn't eat for three weeks.

Anyway, here's the deal.

You have all my powers.
Use them any way you choose.

There are only two rules.
You can't tell anybody
you're God.

Believe me, you don't want
that kind of attention.

And you can't mess
with free will.

Can l ask why?
Yes, you can !
That's the beauty of it!

This is amazing.
Speaking of amazing.
Excuse me.

Oh.

Holy sh. . . Cow.

Since you're through
with these,
l think l'll keep them.

Might come in handy someday.

See you around, kid.

Where you going?
l'm taking a vacation.

God doesn't take vacations,
does he? Do. . .ye?

Did you ever hear
of the Dark Ages?
Besides, l'm covered.

You can clear everything up
in five minutes
if you want to, right?

Ciao.

(GRUNTlNG)

(PANTlNG)

(THE POWER PLAYlNG)

l've got the power

(CHlLDREN CHEERlNG)
Boom !

(GASPS)
l've got the power

And he saw that it was good.

l've got the power

Whoa.

(SlZZLlNG)

Getting, getting
getting kind of heavy

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

l've got the power

B-E-A-utiful.

Hey. Check it out.
Check it out.
Hey. Check it out.

Oh, look. lt's the hero.
What's up, homie?

Yo, brethren,
what up with thee?
Blessings on your alley.

Looking for another can
of whoop-ass?

You didn't get enough,
Mr. Hero?
He wants some more.

Surely l say unto you dudes,
l do not wish to fight.

So as soon as you apologize
and make a full reckoning
of your transgressions,

l shall absolve you
and continue along
the path of righteousness.

What are you
talking about, man?

Straight up.
You talk kind of funny,
you know what l mean?

l don't know if you've lost it
all up in here or what,
but check this out, homie.

You want me and the homies
to apologize, right?

Cool. Tell you what.

We'll apologize the day
a monkey
comes out of my butt.

Then you get your "sorry."
How about that?

What a coincidence,
because that's today.

(THUG GROANlNG)

MAN: Oh !

(GlBBERlNG)

Hey, did that monkey
just come out
your crack, man?

Oh.

(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)

This is some voodoo shit, man.
Let's go!

Are you guys leaving?

Hey, don't forget
your parting gifts!

(CHATTERlNG)

Hey, little anal-dwelling
butt monkey. Time for you
to go home, little buddy.

(SCREECHlNG)

No!

l am Bruce Almighty!

My will be done!

(BRUCE SINGING)
What if God was one of us

Just a sIob Iike one of us

Just a stranger on a bus

Trying to make his way

Home

My God.
You can call me Bruce.

What happened to you?
You seem so. . .

. . .happy.

Why shouldn't l be
on a night like this?

Wow. Those are amazing.
What are these?

They're a new breed.

Cross-pollination
between tulips and daisies.

l call them tu-daisies.

Okay.

Honey, these flowers
are really beautiful,
but last night. . .

Last night, l was only human.

Barry, help me out here.

(NEVER, NEVER GONNA
GlVE YOU UP PLAYlNG)

Oh, baby

Oh, baby
Yeah, l'll be here

Forever and ever
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

l'll see you through

Making love to you right now
That's aII I wanna do

'Cause I found

What the worId
is searching for

For someone just like you
make me feel the way you do

Never, never gonna give you up

l'm never, ever gonna stop

Not the way l feel about you

GirI, I just can't
live without you

Honey. Hi. Wow.

(GASPlNG)

l've never seen the moon
that big !
Yeah.

Oh, baby

We really shouldn't waste it.

(MOANlNG)

Bedroom?
Five minutes.

Let there be light.

l'll be out in a minute.

BRUCE: Don't rush yourself.

Sometimes anticipation
can heighten the pleasure.

Oh, God ! Oh !

lt's a funny thing
about pleasure.

Wow.
lt can be quite pleasurable!

Oh, my God !

Pleasurable.
Oh, God !

(MOANlNG)

Oh, God !

Pleasurable. Pleasurable.

(PANTlNG)

(GROWLS)

(BRUCE EXCLAlMlNG)

ln international news,
Japanese relief workers
are staging a desperate effort

to rescue hundreds of people
stranded by a freak tidal wave
that hit Kitamoto City.

Scientists say the tsunami
may have been caused

by what they're describing
as unusual lunar activity.

More on this as it develops.

GIRL: PIease bIess my mommy,
my daddy and especially
my little sister.

(VOICES CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)

MAN 1 : Please help me, Lord.
Please get me through this.

MAN 2: All l'm asking
is would you help me?

GIRL: Thank you
for everything else
in my life. Amen.

(MOANlNG)
Sam !

(SAM URlNATlNG)

Good boy.

Forget something?

Good boy.
There are girls
in the house, huh?

(GASPlNG)

Morning.
Morning !

l made you grilled cheese.
Ooh, my favey!

Honey, last night was just. . .
Heavenly? l know. l know.

l mean,
l woke up this morning,

and l felt like
my boobs were bigger.

l mean, do they look
bigger to you?
Uh, what? Your. . . No.

Bigger?
Oh, come on ! Look at them !

Please.
They are definitely bigger.
l mean, look. They feel huge.

Well, listen, l have to go,
but this has been
the breast bek. . . Breast. . .

Thank you.
Where are you going?

To get my job back.

(SlNGlNG) Yeah, yeah

l am great

Yeah, yeah, l am. . .

Good grief.
ls that what l'm driving?

(ENGlNE STARTlNG)

(ENGlNE REVVlNG)

Whoa. Nice car, man.

Yeah. lt gets me
from "A" to "B."

Oh, darn.
All this horsepower
and no room to gallop.

Heigh-ho, Silver, away!

(MAN GROWLlNG)

l certainly wouldn't
want to be a fugitive
on the run with Hank,

Buffalo's number-one
police dog on the job.

This is Phil Sidleman
reporting from the
Police Canine Training Center,

Channel 5 News.

And cut it.

(BRUCE WHlSTLlNG)

Hey! Hey!
Look what the cat coughed up!

Channel 7, right?

You're the guy
that went crazy?
l had a bad moment.

What are you doing here?
Just looking for a story.

There's no story here.
This pond is all fished out.

Pretty standard stuff anyway.
l don't know.

My instinct tells me
there's something more.

Yeah? Well, go with that.
lt served you well
in the past, right?

(BARKlNG)

Hey! Hank found something !

MAN 1 : Hey, we got a body!
MAN 2: Over here!

Get the camera! Now!

lt's locked,
and the keys are inside!

l guess
every dog has his day.

Hey, kid.
You wanna make 1 0 bucks?
Sure.

You know how to
use one of these?

Duh.

(lMlTATlNG TRUMPET)

Seems to be in tune.
Let's do this.

The body of Jimmy Hoffa
was uncovered in a field today

outside of
a canine training center
in Buffalo, New York.

Bruce NoIan
was the first on the scene.
BRUCE: Thank you, Jane.

As you can see behind us,
the body
is being carefully exhumed,

and will be transported
to a medical facility,

where D. N. A. testing
can confirm the identity.

That, however,
merely a formality
at this point,

as in a bizarre twist,
the body was found buried
with a birth certificate

and complete set
of dental records.

l'd call that a red-letter day
for any K-9 unit, but was
that enough for old Hank here?

No, sirree.
Moments later, he busted
a local news camera crew

with 220 pounds of marijuana.

l never saw it before,
l swear!

l'm Bruce Nolan,
and that's the way
the cookie crumbles.

(ALL APPLAUDlNG)

Yeah ! Did you like that?

Yes. Thank you. Thank you.

Hi, Bruce.
Oh, hi, Susan.

Good work. l'm impressed.

Jack, did you need me
for something?
Bruce! Bruce!

Just the man l wanna see.
Hey.

Hoffa?
What are the odds of that?
What are the odds of that?

Bruce, why don't you sit down?
Okay.

l'm gonna be
straight with you.
We want you back, Bruce.

But l want you to understand
it was not my decision
to let you go.

When the big guy
gives the order, you got to. . .

No harm, no foul, Jack.

l needed some time
to reassess my goals

and get in touch
with my true self.

You did that in a day?
lmagine what l could do
with seven.

Look, Bruce.
lt is not in my power
to give you anchor.

Now, as far as
field reporting goes, if
you're looking for a bump. . .

Jack, let's just cut the crap
and get down
to brass tacks here.

l'm kidding with you,
and you. . .

l had you going, Jackie.
Don't even worry about it,
old friend.

You just give me
a camera, Jack,
l'll give you the news.

(A LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION
REMlX PLAYlNG)

(TOlLET FLUSHlNG)
A IittIe Iess conversation
a IittIe more action

All this aggravation
ain't "satisfactioning" me

My secret is that
l let the jalapeños marinate
in a spicy sauce

for at least 24 hours
before l stir it
into the chili.

Then l let it all come
to a simmer b. . . Oh !

(PEOPLE SCREAMlNG)

Hold that thought, Hazel !

lt seems as if an asteroid
or some kind of meteorite

has just hit ground
right outside
the Mark Twain Chili Cook-Off.

This should certainly
spice things up a bit.

His stories are all over town.

From unearthing Jimmy Hoffa. . .

To a meteor
crashing to earth. . .

Bruce Nolan is rapidly
becoming known as. . .

(A LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION
REMlX PLAYlNG)

Yeah
a IittIe Iess conversation
a IittIe more action

AII this conversation
ain't "satisfactioning" me

A IittIe more bite
and a IittIe more bark

A little less fight
and a little more spark

And that's the way
the cookie crumbles!

(WOMEN MOANlNG)

DEBBlE:
Was this Bruce's idea?

GRACE: He said he wanted me to
have a day of beauty
and luxurious serenity.

l got to tell you.
He is really
impressing me lately.

You know where he's taking me
to dinner tonight?

Where?

The Blue Palm?

Oh, my gosh.
l just got chills.
l know.

And he told me to prepare
for the most memorable night
of our entire lives.

Oh, my gosh.
Grace, he's gonna propose.

Stop it. No. Really?

Yeah. Really. Come on.
You do the math.

He sends you all day
to a beauty spa.

He's taking you to
the most romantic restaurant,

where you
had your first date.

You know,
l never thought l'd say this,
but Bruce is right.

This is your big night.

Relax and enjoy it.
Oh, God.

(CRUNCHlNG)

MAN: WeIcome to
Eyewitness News at 6:00
with Susan Ortega,

Evan Baxter,
Fred Donohue, sports,

Dallas Coleman, weather.

And now,
BuffaIo's number-one
news team.

Good evening, and welcome
to Eyewitness News at 6:00.
l'm Susan Ortega.

And l'm Evan Baxter,
and here's
what's making news.

A potential scandal
with the Buffalo P. D.
surfaced today,

when the mayor. . .

(CLEARlNG THROAT)

(HlGH-PlTCHED BLABBERlNG)

(EVANS CLEARlNG THROAT)

(HlGH-PlTCHED)
l'm sorry. l'm seem to
have something stuck in my. . .

Somebody get him some water.

Looks like my new co-anchor
may need a glass of water.

(LAUGHlNG SQUEAKlLY)

(CLEARlNG THROAT)

Oh. There we go.
Sorry about that.

ln other news,
the prime minister of Sweden

visited Washington today,

and my tiny little nipples
went to France.

What did he just say?
Check the prompter.

The prompter's fine.
Evan, read the copy, please.

The copy's good. Just read it.

The White House reception
committee greeted
the prime rib roast minister,

and l do the cha-cha
like a sissy girl.

l "lika" do the cha-cha.

l'm sorry.
We seem to be having
some technical difficulties.

ln other news. . .

(FARTlNG)

(CLEARlNG THROAT)

My apologies.

(EVANS CLEARlNG THROAT)

(BLABBERlNG GlBBERlSH)

(CLEARlNG THROAT)

(BLABBERlNG LOUDLY)

(PlANO PLAYlNG SOFTLY)

(SINGING)
If I ruIed the worId

Every day would be
the first day of spring

Every heart would have
a new song to sing

And we'd sing

Of the joy every morning
would bring

If I ruIed the worId

Every man
wouId be as free as a bird

May l?
Certainly.

Thank you.

Every voice would be
a voice to be heard

lt's perfect.
She'll love it.

We would treasure each day
that occurs

You know, l was gonna. . .

l was gonna wait
until after the meal,

but it's gonna burst out of me
like an alien
if l don't do it now.

Oh, God. Oh, my God. Okay.

This is it, isn't it?
l don't know. l don't know
if l'm ready for this.

l mean, l'm ready for this.
l just don't know
if l would. . .

l didn't think l would have. . .
l'm sorry. Go on.

l didn't know
this was so important to you.
Me neither. Me neither.

Oh.

Grace.
Yes.

l got anchor.

(EXCLAlMS)

Yes.

Apparently,
it wasn't working out
with Evan,

so he's gonna
finish out the week,
and l go live on Monday.

That's great, honey.
That's great.
l know. l know.

Wow.

So that's what
this is all about?

Well, yeah.
Yeah.

Grace, we got anchor.

Jack's throwing me a party
Friday night

at the Vanderbilt estate
to celebrate.

What's the matter?
Nothing.

GIRL: Now I Iay me
down to sleep.

l pray the Lord
my soul to keep.

Oh, l feel so stupid.
l feel stupid.

Wow, it is kind of
loud in here, isn't it?

No, it's not loud.
Geez, can you keep it down
to a dull roar?

What are you. . .
Thank you.

ls that supposed to be funny?

'Cause that is not funny.
If I shouId die
before I wake.

l pray the Lord
my soul to take.
What are you saying?

What is wrong with you?
Stop yelling !

(VOICES PRAYING)

Uh, would you excuse me?
l think l'll take
a little trip to the. . .

(VOICES RECITING
THE LORD'S PRAYER)

The wine is going
right through me.

l'm sorry.
l'm so sorry. l'm sorry.

BRUCE: Keep going, Tony!
You're great!
Oh, God.

What is going on here?
Oh, what is this?
Give me a break!

Really something, isn't it?

ls this heaven?

No, this is Mount Everest.

You should flip on
the Discovery Channel
from time to time.

But l guess you can't now,
being dead and all.

l'm dead?
Nah, l'm just
messing with you.

That's not funny, man.
That is not funny!
Okay.

And what about the voices
in my head?

ls that part of the hilarity?
No, those are prayers.

And you keep ignoring them,
they're gonna build up
on you like that.

But it's just noise.
l can't understand them.

Well, you're
not listening, son.

Let's see.

You've had my powers
for a little over a week now.

How many people
have you helped?

l took care of a few things.

l righted a few wrongs
in my own life first, okay?

l was gonna help the others.

l think
l could help the world.
The world?

That wasn't the world.

That was just Buffalo
between 57th Street
and Commonwealth.

Oh.

l didn't want to
start you off with more
than you could handle.

Well, you took the job, Bruce,
so l suggest you get to it.

GIRL: Seeing him smiIe
would make me so happy.

Prayers, prayers.
Okay, prayers. Oh !

This creepy whisper thing
has to end.

Organization and management
is what l need.

l need a system.
Something concrete.
Concentrate!

Files.

Let all prayers
be organized into files.

Well, that takes care
of the voices. Not exactly
a space saver though.

Grace might notice.
l know. Prayer Post-lts!

(BARKlNG)

Shh !

Okay, l need something
with a lock, security,
combination, a password.

A password.

MAN: Yahweh!

You've got prayers.

"Welcome to the revelation
superhighway.

"We bless. No mess."
Downloading now.

lt's good. lt's good.

This is gonna take a while.

(BlRDS CHATTERlNG)

One million and five hundred
forty seven thousand

five hundred and three
prayer requests?

l'd better manifest
some coffee.

Hola, Juan Valdéz.

Buenos días.
Buenos días.

Disfrute un buen café.
Gracias, señor.

Adiós.
Adiós.

(EXCLAlMS)

Now, that's fresh
mountain-grown coffee
from the hills of Colombia.

lt's good. lt's good !

Okay, l had to have made
some kind of a dent by now.

Oh, come on !

What a bunch of whiners.
This is gonna suck up
my whole life.

You know what?

Yes to all !

Yeah, there you go.
Now everybody's happy.

(GOD GAVE ME EVERYTHING
PLAYlNG)

l'll drink to that.
My tech stocks
tripled in five days.

You know something, Joe?
You seem taller.

l am.

My daughter pitched
a no-hitter.

l lost 47 pounds
on the Krispy Kreme diet.

Hey, there he is,
the man of the hour!

Bless you. Bless all of you.

Be fruitful
and do long division
or something.

Hey, try that.
lt's an excellent year.

Hey, Bruce.
Hey.

Who do you like
in the game tonight?

l like the Sabres.
Coach prays a lot.
Okay.

(MAN SINGING)
And I hear it
in the windy storm

And l feel it in the icy dawn

God gave me everything I want,
now, come on

l'll give it all to you, babe

(TELEPHONE RlNGlNG)
God gave me everything I want

BRUCE ON ANSWERING MACHINE:
Hey, this is Bruce, Grace
and Sam. Leave a message.

Grace, are you there?

Hello. lt's me.

Hello? Hello, hello,
hello, hello, hello.

Come on, Grace.
Come to the party.

l'll call you later, okay?

(MOANlNG)

Come on, Sam.

Help me out here.

MAN ON TV:
Nature's not doing it.

What'd you wish when you...
GRACE: Oh, Sam, don't!
Come on !

Come on. TeII me.
MARY: lf l told you,
it might not come true.

What is it you want, Mary?
What do you want?

You... You want the moon?

Just say the word, and
I'II throw a Iasso around it
and pull it down.

Hey, that's
a pretty good idea.

l'll give you the moon, Mary.
I'II take it.

Then what?

Well, then you could
swallow it,
and it'll all dissolve, see?

The moonbeams wouId shoot out
of your fingers and your toes

and the ends of your hair...

(PEOPLE CHATTERlNG)

(PHONE RINGING)

ANSWERING MACHINE:
Hey, this is Bruce,
Grace and Sam...

SUSAN: Hi, Bruce.

What are you doing in here
all alone?

Oh, l was just gonna. . .
Oh, l mean. . .

l was gonna give Grace a call.

Yeah, l didn't
see her in there.

So, how are
you and Grace doing?

Well, actually,
we had a bit of a fight.

Kind of. . .
l'm not sure if she's. . .

You're on fire, Bruce.

Some women
can't handle the fire.

Some can.

That's interesting, 'cause,
you know, l never thought
we would ever talk.

(SUSAN MOANlNG)

(BRUCE MOANlNG RELUCTANTLY)

Grace!

(WOMAN SINGING)
Everything so confusing

You might wanna
stop touching me.
Now isn't a good time. Grace!

Maybe l'm just out of my mind

Grace! Grace, come here!

Grace, this is so weird.
l was just calling you.

Oh, yeah. What?

And you thought, like,
Susan's mouth was the phone?

She kissed me. l didn't. . .
l'm the "kissee."

Oh, please.
Grace. . .

Yeah, you were putting up
a really big fight.

l tried to fight her off.
l tried to stop her,
but she's really strong.

Okay, l screwed up.
Can l make it up to you?

Yeah ! Why don't
you get me a boat, Bruce.

What?
Yeah, a big boat.

And then maybe
two big bags of cash. Then. . .
Then l'll be happy.

Lots of money
and lots of stuff.

Other people want idiotic
crap like getting married
or having babies

with the man that
they've loved for five years.

But not me, Bruce.
Just give me the boat.

No wonder you stayed single!

Oh ! Grace, don't do this!
l'm not doing this.

l'm undoing it.
l'll be at Debbie's.

You take care of Sam
until l can make arrangements.

You can't leave me.

l'm the alpha, lady!
l'm the omega, baby!

Okay, fine. l don't need you.

What's the matter, Bruce?
She can't handle
a little competition?

The game's been called
on account of rain.

An unusually high number
of lottery winners has
New York officiaIs concerned.

So far, 1 ,1 00 winning tickets
have been turned in,

all strangely
from the BuffaIo area.

More on this story
as it develops.

Enjoying your party?

Nothing like
spending quality time
with great friends, huh?

Grace left me.

Yeah, l know.

She'll take me back.

She'll take me back, right?
Would you take you back?

Oh.

How do you make
somebody love you
without affecting free will?

Welcome to my world, son.

You come up
with an answer to that one,
you let me know.

(ALARM BEEPlNG)
MAN: Rise and shine, Buffalo.

lt's 70 and sunny,
and the perfect day
to forgive Bruce.

(MAN SINGING)
I don't know much

But l know l love you

Bye.
Have fun.

You got it.

(WOMAN SINGING)
Every point of view
has another angle

And every angle has its merit

And do you ever feel

That there
is something missing

There's a God-shaped hoIe
in aII of us

And the restIess souI
is searching

Hi. Can l get
a small coffee to go?

Sure, hon. Just a sec.

MAN ON TV: K-TeI Records
brings you the 1 00 greatest
love songs of all time.

You'II hear such cIassics as
"AII You Need Is Bruce."

"If You Can't Be
With The One You Love,
Then Love Bruce."

"Do That To Bruce
One More Time."

And who can forget
that cIassic, "Bruce So Horny,
He Love You Long Time."

Order today and we'll throw in
at no extra charge
the video Sweatin' To Bruce.

Just diaI 1-900-4GIV HIM.
That's 1-900-4GIV HIM.
Do it now.

(WOMAN SINGING)
Do you ever feel

That there
is something missing

There's a God-shaped hoIe
in aII of us

And the restIess souI
is searching

There's a God-shaped hoIe
in aII of us

And it's a void
only he can fill

Oh, no, no, no. Honey, no.
Oh, gosh, please
don't put that in your mouth.

We don't eat that.
Oh, that's not food.

Go to the bathroom, please.
Wash out your mouth.
Wash off your hands.

God, l swear that kid
is gonna poop an ornament.

One more time,
you're gonna be
in a lot of trouble.

All right.
That's it! That's it!

Hi.

l surrender!
l surrender! l surrender.

Hi.
Hi.

l'm doing
my first anchor tonight.
Oh, wow! That's great!

So how have you been doing?
Good.

Yeah?
Yeah. Good.

Just. . .
Debbie won the lottery.
Oh, yeah? You're kidding.

But l guess so did
400,000 other people,
so she only won, like, $1 7.

l miss you.

Okay.

l took the first step.
Jumped out on the ledge.

Feeling pretty vulnerable too.

l don't know
what you want me to say.

Just say you love me
and you want me back.

No, Bruce.
Come on.
What about all the signs?

How did you know about that?
Did you talk to Debbie?

Look, would it help
if l just said that
l was a complete ass?

Hey, you said "ass."
Yeah, but it's okay

if l'm talking about a donkey.

l didn't say "hole."
lf l said "ass". . .
Wait! Wait!

Okay, you know what, honey?
Let's go. Let's go inside.

All right, kids.
Everybody inside.
Time to go inside.

Grace, please,
none of this seems right
without you.

Yeah, l got to go.

Wait!

How do you feel now?

Have you completely
lost your mind?

What? Are you drunk?
Yeah, l'm drunk.
Drunk with power.

Love me. Love me.

Love me. Love me!

l did.

Yeah, l know, free will.
Oh, God.

More power outages
reported today caused by
Iast week's meteorite strike.

OfficiaIs are desperateIy
trying to repair
severaI transformers

damaged by
the ensuing electrical surge.

The scene
nearly turned violent

when hundreds of
disgruntled Buffalo residents

protested last week's
lottery results.

And doomsayers are pointing
to Iast week's
strange celestial events

as signs that prophesy
is now being fulfilled

and the worId as we know it
may be coming to an end.

World's gone mad.

Bruce, 30 seconds to air.
Okay. Okay.

There you are.
lt's your big debut.
How are you feeling?

You know what? Fine.
Never better.

Show must go on, right?

The Sabres just won
the Stanley Cup.
You're kidding me!

Was that tonight?
That's great, isn't it?

lt's getting pretty crazy
out there.

We're gonna kick live to Fred
at the stadium, okay?

Five seconds to the open.
This is it.

You ready?
Born that way.

MAN: WeIcome to
Eyewitness News at 6:00,
with Susan Ortega,

Bruce Nolan,

Fred Donohue, sports,
Dallas Coleman, weather.

And now, Buffalo's
number-one news team.

l'm Susan Ortega.
l'm Bruce Nolan.

And here's what's making news.

What happened?
What the hell happened?
We lost power.

Transformer's down again.
Oh, geez.

Ever since that
damn meteorite hit.

lt's okay. We're back up.

We apologize
for the interruption.

And now back to the news.
Bruce.

Thank you, Susan.
l'm sorry.

We're going live
to H. S. B. C. Arena,

where the Buffalo Sabres
have won the Stanley Cup.

Great.
Fred.

We're about to uncork
some champagne

because the Sabres have won
their first championship
in 22 years!

What in the blue blazes. . .

We'll be back with the
Sabres' Stanley Cup victory
in just a hot second.

ln other news. . . Bloody hell !

For the love of God,
what is it now?
The whole booth is down.

No, it's not! ln other news,
fighting erupted

in the Gaza Strip today,
as lsraelis
and Palestinians. . .

Bruce.
What?

We've got a situation here.
They're rioting
right outside the station.

You're kidding.
The whole town has gone crazy.

Come on, Bruce.
Say something.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
this just in.

Possibly, the biggest
breaking news story
this town has ever seen.

And l got to go.

l'm sorry, Jack.

Susan, it's all yours.

MAN 1 : Sabres! Sabres rule!

(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)

MAN 2: Repent!
The end is near! Repent!

Come back
with my bubble gum machine!

The lottery sucks!
l only won 1 7 bucks!

MAN 2: Channel 7 fries!

Oh ! Oh, no!

God !

God?

Are you here?

Hello? l need your help.
Clap on. Clap on.

Clap on ! Clap on ! Clap on !

Figures!

Well, hello there,
Bruce Almighty.

(CHUCKLlNG)

Not as easy as it looks,
is it, son?
This God business.

They're all out of control.

lt's mayhem.
l don't know what to do.

Well, you're
right on time, 7:00.

The seventh at 7:00.

All righty then.

There we are.
lt's good. lt's good !

lt's a wonderful thing.

No matter how filthy
something gets, you can
always clean it right up.

There were so many,
l just gave them all
what they wanted.

Yeah.

But since when does
anyone have a clue
about what they want?

So what do l do?

Parting your soup
is not a miracle, Bruce.
lt's a magic trick.

A single mom
who's working two jobs

and still finds time
to take her kid
to soccer practice,

that's a miracle.

A teenager
who says no to drugs

and yes to an education,
that's a miracle.

People want me
to do everything for them.

But what they don't realize
is they have the power.

You wanna see a miracle, son?
Be the miracle.

Wait. Are you leaving?

Yeah. l see that
you can handle things now.

But what if l need you.
What if l have questions?

That's your problem, Bruce.
That's everybody's problem.

You keep looking up.

(GOD CLAPPlNG)

REPORTER: Order has been
restored in BuffaIo after
this evening's downtown riot.

State officiaIs have suspended
all lottery sales
pending further investigation.

No injuries were reported
in the melee, however,
there were dozens...

(MAN SINGING)
l've got to be honest
l think you know

We're covered in Iies
and that's okay

Okay.

There's somewhere
beyond this l know

Well, thanks a million.
Oh, not a problem.

God bless.

Hope l can find
the words to say

Never again, no

Bruce giveth
and Bruce taketh away.

lf you don't like it,
megabyte me.

'Cause you're a god
and I am not

And l just thought
that you would know

Evan.
Bruce.

l suppose you're here
to gloat about
the anchor position.

Go ahead. Take your best shot.
Actually, l. . .

l just came to tell you
that l've been a royal prick.

The anchor position is yours.
l turned down the job.

Oh, and l never really
congratulated you
in the first place.

Congratulations.

'Cause you're a God
and I am not

Thanks, Bruce.

ln the financial world,
things are settling
back to normaI

in what analysts are calling
a fIuke market fIuctuation.

You made the right move, Jack.
So what about you?

Are you ready
to go back out there?

And do the cutesy stuff?
The lighter side of the news?

Lower and debase myself
for the amusement
of total strangers?

Yeah, l could do that.
Sounds like fun.
Good.

Okay, Sammy,
let's do it right,
like all the other dogs.

l don't wanna
make you feel bad,
but they're laughing at you.

They're laughing at you.

Come on. Concentrate.
There you go. Come on.
Pump it out if you have to.

What am l gonna do with you?

(SlGHS)

l know this seems
kind of crazy,

but desperate times
calls for desperate measures.

Yeah. Okay. Okay, Sammy.

Do your thing.

That's it. That's it.
Good boy!

Training my dog.

'Cause you're a God
and I am not

And l just thought
that you would know

You're a God and I am not

And l just thought
l'd let you go

Yes, we did it! We did it!

(MlMlCKlNG SNOOP DOGGY DOGG)
Bow-wow-wow
Yippee-yo, yippee-yay.

We're doing it doggy style.

l'll alert Penthouse Forum.
Hi, Deb. How are you?

How's Grace?

l really didn't come to chat,
okay, Bruce?
l came for Grace's stuff.

You need. . .
No, it's okay. l've got it.

l don't. . . l don't know
if she. . . l don't know
if she wants that or not.

This is full.
You did all this?

You know what l do every night
before l go to bed?

l tuck my kids in,
maybe have a scoop
of ice cream and watch Conan.

You know what Grace does?

She prays.

Most of the time for you.

Find Grace Connelly.

(EXCLAlMS)

The woman does pray a lot.

Find Grace, then Bruce.

"Dear God, please help
Bruce find himself,
find contentment, find you.

"Dear God, please help Bruce.
He seems to be struggling.

"Dear God,
give Bruce strength.

"Dear God, bless Bruce."

Bruce. Bruce. Bruce.

lt's her.

Sammy, it's her.
She's logging on.
She's praying right now.

Grace.

Please, God.

Please. l still love him.

But l don't wanna
love him anymore.

l don't wanna hurt anymore.
Please.

Help me forget.

Please help me let him go.

(THUNDER RUMBLlNG)

You win !

l'm done!

Please, l don't wanna
do this anymore.

l don't wanna be God.

l want you to decide
what's right for me.

l surrender to your will !

(SlGHlNG)

(HORN BLARlNG)

Am l. . .

You can't kneel down
in the middle of a highway

and live
to talk about it, son.

But why?

Why now?

Bruce,
you have a divine spark.

You have the gift
for bringing joy
and laughter to the world.

l know. l created you.

Quit bragging.

See. That's. . .
That's what
l'm talking about.

That's the spark.

What do you want me to do?

l want you to pray, son.

Go ahead. Use them.

Lord, feed the hungry.

And bring peace to

all of mankind.

How's that?
Great.

lf you wanna be
Miss America.

Now, come on.
What do you really care about?

Grace.

Grace. You want her back?

No.

l want her to be happy.

No matter what that means.

l want her to find someone

who will treat her

with all the love

she deserved from me.

l want her to meet someone

who will see her always

as l do now

through your eyes.

Now, that's a prayer.
Yeah?

Yeah.

lt's good.
lt's good.

BOTH: lt's good !

l'm gonna get right on it.

Clear!
Whoa!

That didn't feel very good.
Clear!

MAN: Got a rhythm.

All right. l got a pulse.
All right. Let's set him up.

Yeah. Get the backboard
and brace.

MAN: Bruce?

Bruce?

Welcome back.

You're lucky to be alive, son.
Someone up there
must like you.

(BRUCE CHUCKLES)

BRUCE: l hear all that stuff
winds up
in a warehouse somewhere.

Grace.

Hi, baby.

Oh. Oh, my God,
look at you.

l was such an idiot.
lt's okay.

lt's okay.

l don't know
what l would have done.

Oh, God. l swear
l wanted to be mad
at you forever.

Now you're just showing off.

(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)

This is Bruce Nolan here
at Buffalo's First-Annual
"Be the Miracle" Blood Drive.

lt's a B-E-A-utiful day,
so come on down here.

Because the life you save
could be mine.

Let's go over here,
where the Kowolskis have baked
a very special cookie

just for this occasion.

Sure, it's a little creepy
and a shameless plug,
but we love them.

Thank you, Mama.
Vol, finger. . .lose.

l myself,
will have given blood
twice this week.

For those of you
who haven't heard,

l'd like to introduce you
to the future Mrs. Exclusive,
Grace Connelly.

There she is. Look at her!
lsn't she beautiful?

She just gave blood,
and she still has enough left
to fill up her face.

Yes, behind every great man,
there's a woman
rolling her eyes, folks.

l'm Bruce Nolan
for Eyewitness News,

with all the folks down here
at the blood drive,
reminding you to. . .

ALL: Be the miracle!

You heard them.

Okay, cut it.
Thank you, Bruce.
Thanks, Ally.

Hey. How was that?
That was great.

Yeah?
That was really great.

Now, you still have to
go over there.
The nurse is waiting.

Oh, do l have to?
Oh, it's not gonna hurt.

ln fact,
l think you'll find it
quite pleasurable.

Ooh, baby.

(WOMAN SINGING)
Are you ready for a miracle?

CHORUS: Ready as I can be

Are you ready for a miracle?
lt's ready to set you free

Are you ready?
Ready

Are you ready for a miracle?

Oh

Are you ready?

Ready for a miracle
Ready, ready, yes, l am

Are you ready, are you ready
Yes, l am

Are you ready for a miracle?
Yes

(SlNGlNG)
Who can take a rainbow,
wrap it in a sigh?

(SlNGlNG)
Soak it in the sun and
make a groovy lemon pie

Oompah.
Loompah.

Doompah. Oh, geez.

(CREW LAUGHlNG)

l'm sorry.

l'm a very rare blood type.
l'm A. B. -positive.

Sounds delicious.

Yeah, well, there, you know,
there are storehouses
all over the world.

You know, all over the. . .
With tons of stuff on ice.

And it's. . . Sorry.
You're like this.

Sorry. Go on.
Okay.

Positive. l. B. -positive.
Okay, sorry.

l have a "rarey". . .
Oh !

She has a "rarey." Okay.

Well, they need my blood.
l have a very rare blood type.

l'm A. B. -negative.
l'm l. B. -positive.

Am l A. B. -negative or am l. . .
l don't know
what you are anymore.

l'm gonna need
a fricking miracle
to get to work on time.

(ROARlNG)

(CREW LAUGHlNG)

Shit.

Shit!

That won't work.

Other stories in the. . .

(STAMMERlNG)

(LAUGHlNG)

The prime minister of Sweden
visited Washington today.

And in other. . .

ln other. . .

ln other news. . .

l'm Bruce Nolan
for Eyewitness No. . .

Eyewitness Nose.
Okay, and clear.

ALL: Be the miracle.
That's right.

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