Original subtitles

The House will come to order for a roll call vote

on the matter of who will be the President of the United States.

Senator William O'Brien from Arizona...

All right, here we go. Alabama first in the alphabet,

last in every other fucking thing.

I believe it's number one in easiest state

- to get away with murdering a black guy. - Come on, come on.

Alabama casts its vote for President Selina Meyer.

That's my town!

Ooh, bam-a-lama ding dong!

Yeah... oh, Catherine.

Would you please give it a rest with that camera?

My name is Catherine Meyer.

I've spent my entire life in the public eye.

While the public will always remember me as the little girl

who fell off the stage twice in one evening,

I'm a grown woman now with my own passions and interests.

One of the biggest things that ever happened in my life

and my family's life happened when the House of Representatives

voted to decide the presidency of the United States

for the first time in 140 years.

Almost two months to the day earlier,

the American people voted for president,

but that night ended in an historic electoral college tie

between Senator Bill O'Brien and the sitting president Selina Meyer, my mom.

It meant that the House of Representatives

needed to vote to break the tie and choose a president.

My bowling coach used to say a tie was like kissing your sister.

Yeah, well, this feels like my sister took a shit on my chest.

In order to tell this story,

I have to go back to where it all began,

the day after the presidential election was tied.

I do not give my consent to have my likeness

appear in this or any other film.

The president will see you now.

I set out to make a film about the tie,

but somewhere along the way,

I ended up discovering something about myself.

I'm gonna have to have approval over all of this footage, Catherine, okay?

Okay, we can talk about that after.

When did you first know

that you wanted to be president?

It was 1973.

- Catherine, out. - I was a very little girl

and Mother wasn't "feeling well."

Daddy asked me to be his date

for President Nixon's inaugural ball.

Daddy did a lot of business with Bebe Rebozo.

President Nixon entered the room

and, you know, he had his bow tie

and his eyebrows.

Daddy leaned in to me and he said,

"You know, a lot of people don't like Nixon,

but by God, they respect him.

And that's you, peanut."

- Delaware? - Come on, come on.

Delaware votes for President Selina Meyer.

- Oh! - I don't want to jinx things, guys,

but I think maybe we should start making our list

of who I'm going to punish when I win.

- Where are you? - I don't know.

I went home with a congressional fan girl last night.

I don't have my car. I think I'm in Maryland.

Well, first of all, sir, congratulations are in order.

Shh! She's got a fucking parrot, and if the parrot wakes up,

the parrot's gonna make noise and wake up her mom.

- Has the vote started yet? - Yes, Delaware just voted.

Shit. Shit. Okay, you gotta come get me.

Okay, just drop a pin in Apple Maps and...

I don't know how to drop a fucking pin.

Well, it's a really intuitive feature.

- Do you have iOS 9.2.3? - Shut up.

Bring me a change of clothes and come and get me.

The day after the tie, the stock markets crashed,

but my mom did everything she could to get them back on track.

This afternoon, I asked Tom James

to do his country the honor of stepping up to serve as economy czar

and to my absolute delight, he said yes.

Did you ever play sports?

Remember how no one ever wanted to play catcher?

Playing catcher is kind of like being the economy czar.

There's not a lot of glory, but a lot of squatting.

A lot of asses in your face.

Thank you so much, Senator James.

You're very welcome.

- How's it going? - It's going very well, thanks.

- And Bob's your uncle. - Knock, knock, future calling.

Cheese, please, Louise.

Gentlemen, you know the first daughter.

We do.

She's interviewing me for a college project.

No, it's a doc.

Oh, yeah, like one of those movies for people who like to be sad.

What do you think of the electoral tie?

You know, at night when I dare to close my eyes,

I dream about your mother losing

and then coming upon her holding a cardboard sign

at the bottom of a highway exit ramp.

Now, if I were Tom James, I would just try

to get three states to abstain and then it would go to the Senate,

serving the president the most abject humiliation

in the history of the United States.

Oh, you know what the cardboard sign says?

What does it say?

It says, "I'm so sorry, Bill Ericsson."

What if you lose the presidency?

Well, I'll tell you something,

you can't think that way.

That's what Mother always said.

When you have those kinds of negative feelings,

you just pick them up and you stuff them in your box

and you close it down tight and you take that box

and you shove it way back here in your...

in the corner of your head and swallow that key.

And then, poof, they're gone.

And then that's it. And it works, too, sweetie.

That's something that Mother told me that works.

Okay, you pour the hot water into the pot, all right?

Swirl it around a bit.

And then you pour it out, okay?

That's called hot in the pot.

Now this is a special blend I've got.

It's got chamomile and rose hips

and some other little special ingredients

that I'm not gonna tell you on camera.

Um, my question was

what's your take on the financial crisis.

Oh.

I just think they ran out of money.

They should probably just print more.

I don't know why it's been such a big issue.

Okay, guys, when are we gonna fire Mike, by the way?

Because it is seriously just one fuckup after fuckup with him.

Yeah, right after the inauguration,

we'll show Mr. McShittock the door.

Hey.

Hi.

I love my job.

Oh, my God, I want to do it forever.

Especially because this is the kind of job

that I've gotten better at every year.

And it's also the kind of job

that you need to be fast on your feet.

You need to be quick and you need to sort of,

uh, I don't even know what the word is.

We're in the process of converting the guest bedroom

into a nursery for our arriving Chinese angel.

And Ta-da! We went with a Winnie the Pooh knockoff.

It's made in China so Ellen will feel right at home.

I think he's called Happy Sun Bear.

So much cheaper. And we've checked the room for lead,

so there's... actually, I need... I'm supposed to check...

I have to get a guy to check the room for lead, but we will check for lead.

In mid-November, my mom's team

challenged the vote totals in Nevada,

which meant the tie might not be a tie any longer.

- I've changed my mind. - About what?

Send me to Nevada. I want the job.

Oh, but so does Candi Caruso.

And even though, and I quote,

the fact that I'm a woman means we will no longer have any women presidents

because we've already tried one and she fucking sucked.

Please, please, please.

Well, I'll give you this...

Candi Caruso would not eat this amount of shit.

Unless afterward she went into a bathroom stall

and used the old two-fingered wood chipper.

Why would I want to stand next to a twig

like that all day when I can stand next to you?

What would you do if you lost?

You keep harping on this.

But I'll tell you something, I have lost elections.

I lost the first time that I ran for Congress.

They called me Selina Vanderbilt

as if the Vanderbilts had any money left.

Anyway, after that, you know, I went to Arizona to a spa

and I took stock

and I asked myself some tough questions...

Wait, is that when you had your nervous breakdown?

No, no, I did not... no, I went to a spa, sweetie.

No, when Rosa had to take care of me

because you went to a mental hospital.

No, darling, I didn't go to a mental hospital.

I went to a spa.

Is this how this is all going to be in your movie?

Massachusetts votes for Selina Meyer.

- 11-10, O'Brien. - I just talked to Furlong.

He said everything's under control plus a bunch of stuff

about assholes and jizz and my pretty mouth.

Richard, where is Jonah?

- Morning! - Shut the fuck up, Richard.

Well, you can't scream that in this neighborhood.

I couldn't find my clothes. I had to get this out of her dad's closet.

She already told me she was a senior at Georgetown.

Turns out she meant Georgetown Day School.

- Oh. - She's on the math team.

- Are you filming me? - Might be a crime.

Oh, yeah, Catherine asked me to help assist her with documenting the vote.

Plus she taught me how to make sure the camera is on.

Oh, okay, good, well, then on this historic day...

- Also, the president's on the line. - Oh, motherfuck.

- Jonah, can you hear me? - Yes, ma'am.

You listen to me, all right? You are already dead.

What you do now you do for your family.

You get yourself in there and you vote for me!

Is my entire presidency about to have its neck snapped by Congressman Lennie here?

Call all friendlies. Let's slow this thing down.

The great state of Michigan

would like to cast its vote.

But first, let us pray.

My mom lost the Nevada recount,

but that was overshadowed by some terrible news.

My dear mee-maw died.

This is the Oval Office.

Wow, three generations of Meyer women.

It's like the best episode of "Falcon Crest" ever.

Mother, this right here

is the Resolute desk.

And it was used by FDR

and now by me, Mother, your daughter.

I do hope you'll wait till your hair grows

to have your portrait painted.

This has been fun.

- She looks like a boy. - Okay.

It doesn't seem that deep. Look.

Oh, yeah, that's not that deep.

Excuse me, should this be deeper?

Have you ever lost a grandparent?

All my grandparents are dead.

Wait. Um, no.

One or two might still be alive.

- Hey. - Hey.

Good to be back in good old DC,

away from the greed, the money, and the hookers.

Listen, um...

...so, if you're not doing anything later...

Jesus fucking Christ. You got to tell your sister to stop calling me.

Hmm. Hey, girl.

So now as a person in politics under 40,

you just... wait, cut.

Actually, I'm the one that's supposed to say cut.

No, no, no, I'm saying it because we're starting that over.

Ready? Action.

As a person in politics who's younger than most of her... cut, cut.

- No, Amy, please don't actually say... - Action.

We were really disappointed about the Chinese adoption sanctions.

That... but on the bright side,

I turned the nursery into a man cave for me.

I mean, surround sound, 55-inch television screen.

It actually cost the same as the kid, so it works out.

I can't wait for Wendy to see it. She is gonna...

possibly like it.

Do you like working at the White House?

I do, yes.

Have you enjoyed working for the president?

Yes.

- Were you ever frightened for your life? - No.

Are you really ready to take a bullet for the president?

Yes.

- Have you ever killed a man? - Can't say.

Do you think my mom's a good president?

- Yes. - That was perfect.

Everybody else that I've interviewed just

talks about themselves all the time and...

Um, would you like to have dinner with me sometime?

Oh, yeah, I... I would love that.

I should say that... you know that I'm not gay?

- Really? - Yeah. Well, I...

- I didn't mean that to come across... - No, it didn't.

You know, it's just I assumed just because,

you know, the way you dress and stare at me.

Well, I mean, I like guys.

The Thanksgiving death of Congressman Harry Sherman

put the key state of New Hampshire back in play for the House vote.

I followed candidate Jonah Ryan as he campaigned in his home state.

How am I doing? Eating so much pussy I'm shitting clit, son.

- Hey! - What?

This is an elementary school!

Watch your spewing mouth, you animal!

Hey, you are gonna pay for that.

- That is assault. - Out. Out.

That is assault. You are witnesses.

- This is assault! - Right now, get out.

Hello there. I'm Jonah Ryan.

Ah, fuck.

Mothercunt. Piece of shit.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Ah, fuck.

Careful. Careful. Careful.

I think the problem is that you lack upper body strength.

Oh!

Why am I even chopping the fucking wood?

It's the 21st century.

We don't even use this shit anymore.

Worked fine.

Ah, and I grew up right here

in the awesome state of New Hampshire.

I hitched my wagon to a shooting star named Jonah Ryan.

Well, maybe I should say comet

because shooting stars burn out and he never will.

The only downside is that I'll probably have to miss

my Gilbert & Sullivan Society annual show.

You know, operetta is my passion.

♪ If you want to know who we are ♪

♪ We are gentlemen of Japan... ♪

...home to Motown,

aka Hitsville USA,

would like to cast its vote

for President Selina...

Catherine Meyer.

Michigan votes for Selina Meyer.

- Jesus, Richard, please drive faster. - Minnesota?

- If you held the camera... - I'm not gonna hold the camera, Richard.

How would I be on the camera...

Jesus Christ, Richard! You could have killed me.

Can't you do two simple things at once?

I just thank God I didn't hit those schoolchildren.

Who gives a fuck about them? Go! Go!

Well, actually, the car won't start.

- Maybe call an Uber. - We can't call an Uber.

I've been banned for life because I have a low rating.

Missouri abstains from the vote.

- Missouri abstained? - Abstained?

This is Tom and he's making a move

like some kind of grand fucking chess master.

Right.

Stalemate his endgame. Shades of Karpov versus Kasparov.

- Oh, who's that for, Kent? - Guys, Missouri's gonna abstain.

Tom just needs to make sure that no one gets to 26

and then get his buddy Marwood to make sure there's not another vote.

- That's it. - Where is Jonah, folks?

Motherfucker! They're taking a Lyft now?

- Time to wake up. - Stop.

You big lesbo.

And what's it to you? I think it's time to wake up.

Suddenly everything in my life made sense.

Actually, I got a question for you.

Is it weird going hallway to hallway

- with your mom's twin? - What?

To... never mind.

Do you think about what you'll do if my mother doesn't win?

God, I have no idea. What else am I gonna do?

Go out and see the world?

I don't even like looking out my window, so...

I really... I don't know.

Ben, you home.

It's the spouse.

Hey, sweetie. Hi.

Um, Joyce, this is the president's daughter Catherine.

Catherine, this is my wife Joyce.

- Nice to meet you. - What a surprise.

I thought you and the kids were on vacation this week.

Yeah, that was last month.

Joyce, she took care of me after my third heart attack.

My second wife was a nurse as well.

I guess I have a thing for nurses, huh?

Yeah, but I his best nurse.

These Precious Moments figurines are a very good investment.

Would you care for a drink?

Hi, yeah, I'm trying to reach Charlie Baird.

This is a friend of his, Gary Walsh.

Oh, what's the... what is this concerning?

Um, hanging out?

_

_

_

These are my compatriots.

We are a historically Spanish-speaking motorcycle club

which has been under a great deal of unfair legal scrutiny lately.

This is our president, El Cabeza.

Hola, chica. ¿Cómo estás?

_

_

I find that my involvement in the club

keeps the internecine skirmishes

of Washington in perspective.

Yello.

- Hey, how far out are you? - We're at security.

Get the Hunchback of Notre Hampshire down to the floor.

Well, we've reached a little bit of a kerfuffle.

I'd say even more of a kerfuffle.

Like a snafu approaching quagmire.

Jonah Ryan. Just Google me. Google me.

- Come on, fucking Google me. - Calm down, sir.

Jesus Christ.

- Hey! - No!

We're hanging on by a thread, but if everyone votes

the way we think they're gonna vote, we'll win.

Yeah, that's the least reassuring sentence

I've heard since "It's okay, it's just the tip."

It's looking tighter than Will's own butthole

when he's got his finger jammed up there

watching "Bad News Bears" while he jerks off.

- How tight is that, Will? - It's very tight, sir.

Yeah, but I wouldn't take down the tampon dispenser

in the Oval Office bathroom just yet.

How will you feel if my mom loses?

If your mom loses? I'll miss her.

She's a pretty classy lady.

She's the only person in this town who really gets me.

Oh, so I will see you tomorrow night.

- Yes. - Yes, indeed.

As the vote got closer,

the tension in the White House ratcheted up even further.

Run.

Door.

So what the fuck is Tom up to?

Sorry. Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Yes?

I was just checking to see if there was another meeting about me.

Not today.

Okay.

Guys, Mike is a moron. Jesus Christ!

I can't wait until after the inauguration.

No.

I'm sure he's an inspiration to other slow adults,

but it's enough already with Mike.

I'll start lining up interviews.

Since the surrogate's pregnant,

we've converted the man cave back into a baby cave.

And this thing here was already hard mounted.

It's pretty solid, so I think I'm just gonna leave it here, you know?

That way, we can play educational stuff for the baby.

You know, Barney, nature films, nothing harmful.

Oh, God, check for lead. Note to self.

So what's up with all the hockey stuff?

Let's go in here. We can talk privately in here, Tom.

Shit.

I've been waiting for this for a very long time.

- Okay, how stupid are you, you motherfucking snake?

Fuck.

- All right, I wanted to fuck you! - That's right!

And now you're trying to fuck me again tonight.

No, I am fucking you tonight!

No, I'm gonna fuck you!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, please.

Have you thought about what you'll do if my mother loses?

We'll be fine.

Sorry.

Yeah, hi. It's this couch right here, yeah.

I mean, whether we're in the White House

or we're antiquing in Charleston

or we're on the pink, sandy beaches of Barbuda,

you know, it's like we'll be fine.

- Where do you want this? - Just not here.

We haven't even been to Italy.

My father was a navy guy,

so we travelled the world quite a bit.

I am very excited to be secretary of state.

What about Congressman Graves?

I thought that he was doing it.

No.

Um...

did I tell you I have a photograph of my father?

- New Hampshire? - Where is he?

The state of New Hampshire begs the floor's indulgence.

We are still missing a member of our delegation.

I thought that you said he was at security.

He was.

He's 18 feet tall. How could he have gone missing?

- Jesus. Catherine, move. - Ow!

Oh, other exit.

Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, you want it open? Sorry. Okay, I got it.

Fuck!

- I'm so excited.

- Oh! - She's here? Oh.

Hi.

- Hi, Mom. - Welcome home. Oh!

- Catherine, this is my mom, my dad. - Hi.

- Hi. Hi. - Grandma. Grandpa.

This is Catherine Meyer, my, uh, work friend.

What?

Welcome to Montana.

We had a fight.

I trust the American people to make the right decision.

What if you think they're gonna make a certain decision

and they make a different decision and then it completely derails

what you thought was gonna happen?

- And then your plans are different. - Oh, honey, don't cry.

Mommy's gonna get elected, honey.

Marjorie and I broke up.

Oh. Oh.

That's terrible.

- Do you need a tissue? - No, I'm fine.

Yeah, no, you do.

Honey. Oh, you look terrible!

You look terrible.

Oh...

Honey, let me tell you something.

Marjorie is insufferable, okay?

There are other... there are other fish in the sapphic sea, babe.

I mean, seriously, there are more lesbians in the Secret Service, even.

- You feel better? - Yeah, a little bit.

Good girl. Good. Okay, let's get back.

Legacy is not something that I can be concerned with.

I'm laser-focused

on doing the best possible job I can...

...as president... Catherine.

Not everybody gets to just walk into the Oval.

Madam President.

- Wayne! Hey! - Hey.

What the what? What, are you doing an interview?

Yeah, he is.

- Well, completely slipped my mind. - Okay.

Ma'am, here are the talking points for this afternoon.

Oh, no. Sorry.

Wrong ones. I'll be back.

- See you at poker on Wednesday. - Right.

So you see what I'm dealing with here.

So you didn't tell him that I'm taking his job yet?

No, that'll be your first press release.

Now that there will be three babies on the way,

we decided to move the kiddos upstairs to the master

and this will be the new love palace.

She gets the dresser and I'll hang those

in the... I don't know where.

The lead, still a problem.

Raise your right hand, please.

- I do solemnly swear... - I do solemnly swear...

...that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States...

...that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States...

Vermont abstains from the vote.

Oh, God.

That's three abstentions. Sorry, ma'am.

What?

Wait, though, isn't there anything that we can do?

No, you'd have to run the table now to win.

There's no way you can get to 26.

- But what if we get Virginia? - You're not gonna get Virginia.

- What if we get West Virginia? - You're not gonna get anything.

Can we give them farm subsidies?

Can we...

You can't win, ma'am. You're not gonna be president.

- Virginia votes for Bill O'Brien. - Ma'am?

Virginia votes for Bill O'Brien.

- Oh, Christ. O'Brien's only got 22. - Yeah.

I mean, I don't think even he can get to 26.

Looks like we're looking down the barrel of a Tom James presidency.

Could you explain to me one more time how this whole thing works?

Why is Tom...

I'm really sorry, Mom.

Hey, don't worry, ma'am.

You can run again in four years, you know?

Not if Tom James is president, I can't.

...Washington votes for Bill O'Brien.

Washington votes for Bill O'Brien.

- All right, everybody clear out. - Okay.

- Clear out! - Let's go.

Except you, Amy.

Oh, God, come on, come on.

Okay, look.

Get that clowntard Jonah on the phone right now.

What if we tell him to vote for O'Brien?

Ma'am, you can't do that. He is the opposition...

It is the only fucking thing that I can do, Amy.

Seriously.

If O'Brien wins the presidency, I can run against him in four years.

But if Tom James wins,

he's gonna be president for the next eight years, Amy. Eight!

- 12, ma'am. - Huh?

Tom's first term won't count

because technically he'll be an elevated vice president.

But I sound like Kent, so...

My God, in 12 years,

I'm gonna be a shriveled-up can of ass.

Seriously, I can't... I mean, my political window

just slams shut the second I can't wear sleeveless dresses.

Call Jonah right now and tell him to vote for O'Brien.

Oh, excuse me. Where is the House Chamber?

The House Chamber is that way.

No, it's not. We just...

we just fucking came from there!

No, it's not...

God damn it.

You better be right.

They're gonna close the vote.

- O'Brien 25. - He's one away.

Please, God, deliver Jonah to Congress

and then give him any kind of cancer. I don't care.

- There he is. - Catherine.

- Marjorie? I don't want to talk to you. - I'm sorry, okay?

I told my parents about us.

- New Hampshire... - They took it hard, but I don't care.

- I love you. - ...proudly casts its vote

- for President Selina Meyer. - I love you, too.

New Hampshire votes for Selina Meyer.

The vote is hereby closed.

That's O'Brien 25, Meyer 22.

With three abstentions, no candidate has received

the constitutionally required 26 votes.

This House is adjourned.

I'm sorry, I would like to change my vote.

I voted for the wrong person.

I would like to change my vote, thank you.

Where is everyone going?

The gentleman from New Hampshire

puts forth onto the floor a do-over, thank you.

We have just witnessed a historic no decision

in the House of Representatives.

Okay, we got to get a statement out.

The Senate will now choose between Senators Tom James and Laura Montez.

- Oh, hey, Marjorie. - Hello, ma'am.

If I lose, I lose.

Teddy Roosevelt lost. John Adams lost.

Winston Churchill lost.

So plenty of presidents have lost

and gone on to do great, great things.

Are we done, sweetie?

- I can't fucking lose this thing. - You won't. You won't.

We are now entering the Red Room,

which originally was the yellow drawing...

Madam President, I am so sorry.

- We're just coming through. - Oh, no, it's fine.

Everybody come on in. Come on in.

Welcome, welcome.

Welcome. Hello.

Look at you. I think you're from Kansas.

- I can see it... - I am. I voted for you twice.

This year and back when you ran for president the first time.

Oh, you're clutching your bag like I'm gonna steal it.

- Oh, no! - No.

- Would you like to take a picture? - Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. She knows what she wants.

- Did we get it? - Yeah.

Okay, great. Thank you.

- I love you. - Oh.

Oh.

Whoo!

- Thank you. - Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

Thank you.

- Whoo-hoo! - Thank you.

Thank you.

Who else would like a photo? Oh!

Some say a tie is like kissing your sister.

But it took an electoral college tie

for me to get to kiss the sister I never knew I had.

I'm just gonna ask you what you think

of a few people in my mother's administration.

It's a great opportunity. Thank you.

What do you think of Amy Brookheimer?

She likes to hear herself talk.

- Tense. - Shrill.

- Shrill. - Shrill.

- Shrill. - Did they say shrill?

- How would you describe Gary Walsh? - A kind person.

- Truck stop glory hole. - Can do a handstand still.

- What do you think of Dan Egan? - Douchebag.

- The other side of the glory hole. - He's fine.

Mike is an idiot. It's amazing he got a driver's license.

One of the most extraordinarily incoherent people I've ever met in my life.

Sometimes, like, in a futuristic... like a sci-fi movie,

you'll see, like, a robot that's like the old version of the robot

- and you kind of feel bad. - How about Jonah?

Jonah Ryan is the congressman that the people of New Hampshire deserve.

Do you think you had a crowning achievement as vice president?

Well, I became president.

- Can we call that an achievement? - Did you vote for Mom?

If I would have voted, it would have certainly been for your mother.

Where do you see yourself in 20 years?

- White House. - I'd say the Galapagos Islands.

Just be president.

I have it penciled in 2036. Gonna go there.

- Just the seat of power. - I bought two tickets.

I don't know who the other is gonna be,

but I'm assuming by then I'll be coupled up.

Everyone saying, "Mr. President, this is the most important bill

- that has ever been signed into law." - I like to be close to the sun.

I haven't thought that far ahead.

I'm so focused on the present.

Let me ask you a question.

What's the best lesbian porn site?

- sync and corrections by Caio - - www.addic7ed.com -

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