Original subtitles

- sync and corrections by Caio - - www.addic7ed.com -

- Take the apple, Mrs. Sherman!

- Reach out and take it. Take the apple. - Mr. Ryan.

Mr. Ryan, would you please step back to your podium?

She wouldn't take the apple.

Which one of you Johnny Appledick shit for brains came up with that bit?

Hi, ma'am, I just arrived here in Winter Blunderland.

He looked like Ike Turner handing Tina a snack.

I think we've identified the key problem,

which is that Jonah does not interact well with humans.

No, I don't interact well with hag-ass old bitches.

Do you realize that you just handed O'Brien New Hampshire

chained to a radiator with its twat shaved?

- I'm hanging up! - I'm sorry, Mom.

You know what? On the positive side,

now I can just try and concentrate on our little family weekend.

- Just us Meyers. - Well, then why is Gary here?

- I mean, no offense. - Gary's family, too.

Oh, thank you.

I'm just really excited to have this time

for you and Dad and Monny to get to know the real Marjorie.

I mean, fun Marjorie, not just Marjorie the Secret Service agent.

Oh, I'm excited to get to know fun Marjorie, too.

When is she arriving?

I'm just kidding. I'm just teasing.

Whoo-hoo-hoo! The president is driving.

- Whoo-hoo-hoo! - Look out.

Bump. How about that?

- Look! - Dad! Monny!

Kitty Cat!

All right, so the Chinese are gonna be here any minute.

- Yeah. - Beijing has demanded complete secrecy.

So you're gonna have to keep Charles Ponzi and pussyride away from me.

We Meyers are very resourceful.

You do know you're not really a member of my family, right?

- I do. - Right.

What is that insanity

you're putting all over the tree, Monica?

Oh, this is my homemade cranberry and popcorn tinsel

- that I like to call... - Popcornaments!

Someone's been reading my blog.

I just trademarked the word last week.

It sounds delicious and it's adorable.

So I'm gonna call it delorable.

See? We can all do it.

- Hey, Mom. - Yes?

I just wanted to let you know that Marjorie

is a raw food vegan and she's turned me into one.

Oh, so that's two things she's turned you into.

Yeah, we just thought maybe we could have, like, a sham ham for Christmas.

What is that, sweetie? Is that like tofurkey?

No, ma'am, tofurkey is cooked.

This is a raw log made of mushrooms and soaked walnuts.

But it tastes like a ham?

- Yeah, it's close. - Not at all.

We could all cut back on our meat consum...

I'm terribly sorry, Marjorie.

- I thought you were Selina. - That's okay, sir.

People make that mistake constantly.

How about you touch neither of us?

Okay, I'm gonna go check on that funky food order and...

Mom, I wanted to ask you about something, but I can just talk to Dad about it.

He's better with money stuff.

What money stuff?

Well, it's just that there's so much of it

that it's really tough to know what to do with it.

Uncle George was saying that maybe I should sell the Palm Beach house

so that I could pay off the estate taxes.

Palm Beach house, honey? That was my daddy's favorite house.

Actually, Lee, right now is a fantastic time to sell.

And, Catherine, do you remember that Brazil hotel chain?

- What? - I told them about your veganism

and they decided to convert the whole thing to an eco resort.

- No, they didn't. - I have a prospectus in my briefcase.

I'll tell you what. I think we should not talk about money

during our sort of pre-Christmas Christmas celebration.

Catherine and Marjorie, can you gals go outside

and get some wood to start a fire?

Ma'am, your daughter's dazzling eyes can start a fire themselves.

Okay, well, that's terrifying,

but I actually do think we need to get some wood from outside.

- Yes, ma'am. - Thanks. Gary, we got to go.

Okay, are the Chinese here yet?

Delayed on the road, ma'am.

Presumably driving slowly and not using their signals.

Hey, any updates on Debralee's sonogram?

Nothing. I'm going crazy.

What do you got going there, Depravey Crockett?

You can't go in with a plan. The knife tells you.

Okay, so lay it on me, Ben.

It's all been prenegotiated, ma'am.

In exchange for you lifting the sanctions,

China's agreed to build an electronics plant in Ohio

and an engine assembly plant in North Carolina.

Okay, so we got North Carolina, Ohio.

That's the presidency for me.

And as per usual, we raised the issue

of the Dalai Lama and the Panchen Lama returning to Tibet.

- Dalai Lama, I'm so sick of him. - He's insufferable.

Do we have a press release ready to go, Mike?

All I got to do is press send and we...

actually, I do need to spell-check this thing.

Ma'am, Minna Häkkinen is through security and headed this way.

How is it that that Asperger salad inserted herself into this situation?

President Lu trusts her. Likes what she did with the IMF.

No, I'll tell you what he likes. Nordic beav.

Irresistible. Ooh!

- Shh. - What?

- Oh, Minna! - Selina.

- Hello. - Hello. I have not seen you

since you failed to vote for me to be head of the IMF.

And, oh, you changed your hair.

Thank you, yes. I have more highlights.

And you changed your eyelids. You had oculoplasty.

- Um... - You look more alert.

Yeah...

Well, the latest poll numbers are in

and you've fallen 20 points behind the Widow Sherman.

We have to keep you away from people.

Yeah, surround you with some trees. Make you look human-sized.

Yeah, back to the natural habitat your nitwit mother

found you in, you fucking shaved Sasquatch.

But the good news is that you're only three points behind Jon H Ryan, whoever that is.

Hey, Slick. What's Blondie's situation?

Does she choke for Coke?

You should ask her.

Yeah.

It's been a very hard year.

The menopause has really taken a hold of me.

- Is that so? Yeah. - Yes. You know... you're menopausal.

- What? - You're menopausal as well.

- No, I'm not. - Well...

- No? - What?

No, you are.

No, you're older than me, so I...

No, I am actually two years younger.

Oh, I still have regular periods,

but my joints, they're very swollen.

You know, I wonder if we can just get back to the Chinese.

The Chinese may try to change the terms of the done deal.

- Really? - Yes.

- But if they do this... - Yeah?

...you are simply ready to perform the walkout

to convince the Chinese that you will not negotiate

if the terms of the deal are not satisfactory.

- Okay. - You say the terms are unacceptable

and you take both your palms and you place them

firmly on the table like that.

- Oh, God. - Then you walk out.

And then someone must say this is unprecedented.

- She never does this. - Ben can do that.

- Who, me? - It is much harder than it sounds.

- Perhaps we should rehearse? - Absolutely.

So this is unacceptable.

And then, uh, I walk out.

No, that is not credible. You try again.

- This is unacceptable. - Mm-hmm.

No, you see, that's the same, but it's just louder.

She never does this.

Oh, no, that is good. Now, that is convincing.

- Hey, girlies. - Mom.

- Yes, honey? - I want you to open your gift.

Since technically it's early Christmas Eve, I got you something.

What have we got here?

Oh.

It was used in 1907 at the Second Hague Convention.

And I figured you could use it to sign important peace treaties

when you're officially elected.

It's actually lovely, Catherine.

Amex gave me this crazy new card that's made out of black metal.

It truly shows the special

mommy-daughter bond that you and I share.

- So good. - I have an idea.

Marjorie, why don't you open my gift?

Oh, you got Marjorie a gift.

Marjorie's part of the family now, aren't you, pal?

Yeah, I got Marjorie a gift, too. Um, right, Gary?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- It's beautiful. - Stuck in security.

Stuck in security. I don't know how that happened.

- I got the tracking number. - Okay. Let's see what you got.

Ah, it's an old book.

- Do you like it? - I am overcome with emotion.

Oh, my God.

It's a first edition Gertrude Stein.

That's Marjorie's favorite poet.

How did you know that, Dad?

I listen.

I'm going to put this someplace special.

- Hey. - Hi.

I noticed two golf carts filled with Asian people.

- Yeah, we should go. - That's the kitchen crew and the chef.

- They wear really nice suits. - Yeah.

Okay, I want to go find Marjorie's gift.

Me, too.

So, I will make the introductions.

Yeah.

- You're wearing that? - What?

Yeah. Oh.

This is President Lu Chi-Jang...

Secretary General of the Communist Party...

Studied chemical engineering.

He's currently on his second wife, he enjoys tennis.

...paramount leader of the People's Republic of China.

- This is Zhang Shengxi. - He collects art.

- Premier of the State Council. - His son is a freshman at Georgetown.

This is Xao Jintong, 1st Rank Vice Premier...

London School of Economics.

He enjoys fly fishing and his favorite snack is freeze-dried strawberries.

Thank you. I didn't get any of that except strawberries.

- Okay. - ...the exchanging of gifts.

This is a depiction of the most popular

children's cartoon character in China, Sad Piglet.

It looks just like my daughter Catherine.

Huh?

Your daughter is a beautiful woman

and this is a piglet.

- It's upset. - Oh, no, no, no. I... I love it.

Believe me, if you say SeaWorld to Catherine

you will understand what I'm talking about.

This is just lovely. Thank you very much.

And now our gift.

Oh.

This is a silk robe from the Qing Dynasty.

The dragon symbolizes good fortune.

Your generosity is overwhelming.

- And so... - This is...

Seriously? This is beyond what we imagined.

Or prepared for.

This is a tapestry from Qing Dynasty.

The central image, the peony,

is a symbol of royalty and virtue.

This is exquisite and I really hope that's all.

And now our gifts for you.

This is an American geode,

which symbolizes the solid foundation

that we have between our two countries.

And it sparkles like we hope

our conversation will sparkle.

Thank you for this rock.

Oh.

Um, and this wine

from Napa Valley, California.

And this additional wine, also from a local vineyard

in, uh, New Zealand,

which is local to us

and it's also close to Asia,

which makes it local to you

as we are all local friends.

- Thank you. - She's just being polite.

- President Lu does not drink. - Oh, God.

Um, Jang, there's a common saying here in America,

"But wait, there's more."

So I would like to present our final gift to you.

A very meaningful and historic pen

from the Second Hague Conference of 1907.

Gary, the box.

- What? Really? - Yes.

- Oh! - This is a very worthy gift.

- Oh, good. - It is historically significant and apt.

Gold is a very auspicious color for the Chinese.

- It signifies prosperity and good luck. - Oh, great.

- You have pleased them. - Oh, I'm pleased, then. Great.

And now they are discussing how casually you are dressed.

Hmm?

They say you look like a prisoner

or a pirate.

An exercise book.

Why did Menopause not warn us

that the Chinese were going to out gift us like that?

Our intel suggested they hated you.

Ma'am, Dan and Amy for you.

What?

Ma'am, Jonah shot himself in the foot.

Oh, my God. What did he do this time?

No, he literally shot himself in the foot. We're in the ER.

Turn on CNN, ma'am. It's on right now.

Turn on the...

These are the woods where I used to hunt with my stepfather.

And he taught me the proper...

Jesus!

- Oh, my God. - I'm okay.

Oh, my God.

- It's not funny, Ben. - I know, it's terrible.

- A little bit of blood. - You are, it's all over the place.

Jonah shot himself in the eye with a rubber band in second grade.

I tell him now what I told him then...

guns can be dangerous.

We're all praying for his recovery.

So lay it on me. How bad is it?

It's a complicated fracture. Shattered some bone.

- They say it's gonna take... - No, not for him, for me.

Right. Critical condition, but we're not throwing in the...

Okay, I'm not listening to any more of this.

That's New Hampshire for O'Brien.

- We got to have those factories now. - Ni hao.

President Lu requests to go on a nature walk with you.

Well, I'm the president. I don't walk.

He is also the president and he likes to walk.

On a walk?

Camp David is where President Eisenhower came

to recover after his heart attack.

Yeah.

Is he okay?

President Eis... he's pass... he's dead. He's long gone.

Now this path was originally used by F.D.R. for his morning strolls.

Or rolls, I should say.

Uh, do you have more gum?

Can I bum a piece of gum?

Uh, may I chew gum with you?

Thank you. Chinese gum, huh?

Pretty cool. Never had it.

Oh, wow. It's got a kick.

Who knew?

Thank... oh, hang on.

I have just the thing.

- Gracias. - Sorry, no, no. Wrong language.

Well, we need to work together

to better engage with North Korea

because the North Koreans are people like us.

Except without any food.

Hi, Mom. Oh, I'm so happy to see you.

- No, no. - Just to be clear, my girlfriend and I

aren't just vegan, we're raw vegan

which means no meat, no dairy, and absolutely nothing cooked at all.

- Thank you. - Okay, good.

Mom, come back soon, okay? Monica's making some nutmeg soy butter.

Oh, how wonderful. Thank you.

Ah, Jang, that was my daughter

and she obviously did not recognize you.

She doesn't understand anything about global politics.

My family is here as a cover story.

No, but I didn't... I didn't do that.

I'm not... I didn't make that face.

Shall we carry on this way?

Can you translate "we need to get a new translator"?

- Marvin Gardens. - You want it?

Catherine, can I borrow 200 Monopoly dollars?

Oh, everybody's still awake.

- Hi. - Hi.

Is that Marjorie's gift from security?

Yes.

Ma'am, I mean, you really didn't need to.

Oh.

Ma'am, this is stunning.

Well, it's... it's vintage.

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh.

Feels like it was woven out of Catherine's silken hair. Feel this.

- Aw. - I thought you might enjoy something...

- Oh, my God. - ...that was like her hair.

- Thank you. Thank you so much. - Oh, you're welcome. Ow.

Mom, I can't believe that. It's gorgeous.

- I got to go to bed. - It was my turn.

- Good night. - Good night.

You know that's government property, right?

- You just committed a federal crime. - It's real.

- You got to see this. - Jesus, those are your pajamas?

It's the outfit I picture when I'm trying not to come.

- Who's that? - Oh...

Judy Sherman claims she's for New Hampshire,

- but what's her real agenda? - What is this?

You need to be more careful. Guns can be dangerous.

On election day,

tell Judy Sherman you care about freedom.

- What the fuck is going on? - Look, it's everywhere.

...Sherman claims she's for New Hampshire...

Oh, my God. Hey.

It's the NRA.

It's a Christmas miracle.

All right, well, I'm gonna get back to this, so I'll see you later.

Okay, Kent, best guess, is New Hampshire back in play?

Ma'am, I don't even use the colloquial phrase "I guess."

- Get Dan and Amy right now. - The Chinese are ready.

- She never knocks. - Uh, Minna,

I am right in the middle of something.

Selina, do I need to remind you how sensitive the Chinese are to promptness?

Then why is my wonton soup so cold every time they deliver it?

What?

Minna, I'm the middle of an international emergency.

- Um, it's in the Middle East. - Shh.

It is in Kuwait and that's all I can say.

- Kuwait? - Yes.

That is so strange.

Because Amir Al-Khabat and myself, we follow each other on Instagram.

Only five minutes ago, he posted a picture of his dinner salad.

Ah, well, it happened

right after he had that salad, in fact.

Sort of an intermezzo emergency.

- Oop, I got Dan. - Al-Egan.

Yeah, the ambassador to Kuwait's liaison.

Thank you. As-salaam-alaikum, Dan.

- Okay, I will take them for a walk. - Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

- Uh-huh. - Thank you.

Okay, so now we love the NRA.

_

_

Huh?

The Chinese are very upset.

They have changed the terms of the deal.

- What? - The Chinese request the United States

drop its objections to China's claim of the Diaoyu Islands.

How do I put this delicately?

The Chinese were very disturbed by a recent incident.

What? What incident?

With your daughter.

Oh, my God. Minna, seriously,

that was a complete honest mistake.

Catherine was just confused.

But you are her mother. You did not stop her.

How could I have stopped her? I had to let her finish.

You're a mother. You've got a son.

I'm sure you've done it before.

- You've been in this position. - No, I have not.

This happens occasionally in Iceland,

but there it's just an accident.

- What? - What?

God, this was their real demand from the beginning.

I mean, those islands didn't come out of nowhere.

Actually, they did. The Chinese created islands

by piling sediment from under the sea...

Madam President, you can't give them these islands.

It'll destabilize the whole region.

Will you please go and talk to Chi-Jang and try...

I will try, but I don't know how much I'm going to be able to get his ear.

But what you're gonna need to do is let him get a word in.

Okay, well, you know what? This reminds me of negotiations between India and Bhutan.

- Okay, this is what I'm talking about. - Bhutan was being stubborn.

So, I've got to go check on my other prom date.

Okay? I just...

- Yes? - I'm sorry, do you know where I can get

any more of this amazing Chinese gum?

It's nicotine gum.

Oh, no.

Well, that does not change the fact

that our friends in Japan still have claims to the Diaoyu Islands.

President Lu says dropping your objections

must be part of any deal.

Well, that is unacceptable.

- Unacceptable! - She never does this.

I mean, I will storm out. Here I go.

No way. It's unacceptable!

This is not happening.

In all honesty, she's never done this.

_

_

I know two million sounds like a lot, sweetie.

It's not. It's a small price to pay

to save the Brazilian rain forest.

But aren't you cutting down the rain forest in order to build the resort?

So we can conserve the rest.

It's a virtuous cycle.

- Well, I guess that makes sense. - Hey! Hey!

Hi, Mom.

What are you guys doing all the way out here?

We can talk about this later.

I'll leave the pamphlets on your pillow.

- Thanks, Dad. - Darling. Lee.

Okay, listen to me.

If you want to get advice or talk about money,

you can come to me, okay?

I've got the whole Treasury Department.

And they're, you know...

they've been better, I realize.

I mean, Daddy loves you, sweetheart,

but he's a crook.

- I know. - Right?

- Oh, excuse me. - I just thought I could...

I don't mean to interrupt an intimate moment,

it's just that there have been seismic developments in the negotiations.

You have really rattled the Chinese leaders.

- Oh. - Chinese leaders?

- Yes, Catherine. - Seriously, Mom?

I think he is going to use the gold pen from the Second Hague Convention very soon.

Your mother has given an amazing pen to the Chinese leaders.

- It's gold... - She knows... she knows about that pen.

You are so terrible.

- Catherine. - No.

- Catherine. Okay. - Sorry.

Even labor and delivery with her was a nightmare.

Oh, yes? Why is that?

You have a very narrow vagina?

Well, tight. In the States we say tight.

The Chinese economy is in a worse state than anyone realized.

These sanctions, they are really crippling them.

And Chi-Jang, he is a proud, stubborn man.

Like a Chinese Mr. Darcy.

But stupid also, like a Chinese Mr. Bingley.

I love "Mary Poppins."

So if the United States lifts the sanctions

and is prepared to meet their demands for industrial metals

for the next 25 years, the Chinese might...

might be prepared to discuss Tibet.

- To bet on what? - Wait, to talk about freeing Tibet?

No, they are prepared to discuss a framework for talks

aimed at a possible path to self-determination.

- I'm freeing Tibet? - No, no, not free.

It would likely be one country, two systems similar to Hong Kong.

- That's it. - Bono's gonna shit his sunglasses.

That is like some man on the moon legacy shit.

My God, Selina Meyer, the woman who freed Tibet.

Not... no, really, not free.

What about the factories in Ohio?

Jonah's ahead in all the latest polls.

Fuck those factories, man. I'm freeing Tibet.

- Fuck it! - Really, not freeing.

It is, of course, tragic

for the unemployed workers of Ohio and North Carolina.

Well, they should have tried going to college.

Worry about your own unemployment in Finland.

We don't have unemployment in Finland.

I'm gonna win a Nobel fucking Peace Prize, you guys.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

- Oh, sorry. Are you all right? - It's okay.

And Tibet will have a new future.

Oh, God, sorry, sorry. Excuse me. Hey, babe.

Hare Krishna.

Hi. How was the ultrasound?

Twins? Oh, my God.

Oh, no, I'm twice as happy now.

Hmm, who should I vote for, huh?

Pow, pow.

Who should I vote for? You can't teach that.

I hope he votes for himself.

Oh, I'm sorry. I need another ballot.

I just... I just need another ballot.

Pow, pow.

I don't want to talk to you.

I want to tell you something,

but it's very confidential, okay?

Mommy is going to free Tibet.

I don't care.

Catherine, come on, honey, remember when you were little

and you had that "Free Tibet" sticker and you put it up on the wall

and we couldn't get it off, remember, because you put it on wallpaper inexplicably.

Hey, Kit-Cat. It's me. Can I come in?

Just you.

- Hey, baby. - Well, yeah.

Wonderful.

- Gan bei! - Gan bei!

And now, let us celebrate

with a traditional Christmas feast.

This is a...

culturally significant and traditional...

- Freedom log. - ...freedom log.

Why don't we slice that up for everyone to enjoy?

You know, we have a statement that is ready for release.

There will be no statement.

These are very delicate issues

and cannot be rushed.

Oh, yes, of course.

I understand that completely.

Although, perhaps when things are as significant as Tibet,

things are accidently leaked to the press

so that the world may know of our accomplishments.

It would be very unfortunate if it also leaked

that you lied to your country about our hacking of your tweets.

That is ridiculous.

We have your emails to prove it.

Okay, well, we can just wait for you guys to release a statement.

- Xiè xie. - Xiè xie.

Minna.

Mr. McLintock?

- Mm-hmm. - Good news.

Your adoption paper has been approved.

You and your wife soon will have a Chinese baby.

Congratulations.

What is happening?

Well, good-bye, Andrew.

Catherine has any questions about the Brazil investment,

- always available. - I have a question.

Is it actually an investment in Brazil?

I can take this if you'd like.

- Oh, thank you. - Yeah, sure.

- Thank you for everything, ma'am. - Oh, you're so welcome.

All right, wheels up in 10 minutes on Marine One.

Pick up the...

- Oh, hi, Catherine. - Really?

- What? - It's official.

At 8:20 this evening, the Widow Sherman conceded.

Oh, H.R. Fucknstuf, Jonah won the election?

It was a small margin.

But still counts as a sign of the apocalypse.

- So Jonah's gonna vote for me and I'm... - Gonna be president!

- I've got to call him. - I got him. He's right here.

Oh, my God.

Congressman Ryan.

Hello, Madam President.

- Or should I call you colleague now? - I wouldn't.

And I just want to let you know that I,

Congressman Jonah Ryan,

will personally deliver you the vote that delivers you the presidency.

- That means so much to me. - Ma'am, while I have you on the phone,

New Hampshire is struggling with an epidemic of opiate addict...

Yeah, I'm not gonna...

Oh! Oh, God.

- Oh, good. That goes in my bag. - Yeah.

I can elect anyone in New Hampshire.

- I can elect a Muslim AIDS virus. - Okay, Jeff.

A terrorist fucking AIDS virus

in the tiniest suicide vest ever made,

I could make it governor of New Hampshire.

Okay, Jeff, you're drunk.

New Hampshire, wow. Wow, New Hampshire.

Thank you.

Oh, my God. I did this.

We just elected Jonah to Congress.

Looking around, I see so many familiar faces of people

- that supported me and believed in me. - Yeah.

And I see a few that didn't.

Like Jessica Thompson.

Hey, Jessica. Jessica, I see you there.

Yeah, it's been a long time since high school.

I like what you did with your hair.

- Do you like what I did with my life? - Oh!

Jimmy O'Connor, I've been waiting 20 years to say this to you.

Oh, my God, I did this.

You just elected Jonah to Congress.

I think that you are the spaz.

But through it all,

there was one person who truly believed in Jonah Ryan

and that was Jonah Ryan.

This is my dream,

that you can believe in yourself so hard

that you eventually become a congressman.

Thank you, New Hampshire. Thank you.

Yeah, well, we're thrilled. Thank you, Congressman.

Jonah is gonna be sworn in with the rest of the freshmen.

Yeah.

Mom, I've come to a decision, by the way,

about the Palm Beach house.

- Okay, Catherine, listen... - I'm keeping it.

Oh, Catherine.

And I'm turning it into a sanctuary for rescued farm animals.

What?

- Rescued farm animals. - Yeah, I heard her.

I think it's inspiring, ma'am.

You're taking my daddy's house

and turning it into some Club Med for goats?

Well, it won't be just goats.

I mean, there's so much property

that we were talking about all different kinds of animals.

I mean, you could have ducks or...

- Lame horses. - Pigs.

- Pigs. Potbellied pigs. - Emus.

- Oh. - And we could have horses as well.

- Okay. - We could have peacocks, too.

- Can you do llamas? - Oh, yeah, we could have llamas.

- Llamas. - Maybe a three-legged goat.

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