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1
00:00:15,001 --> 00:00:17,614
- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.addic7ed.com -
2
00:00:18,677 --> 00:00:20,176
My fellow Americans,
3
00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:24,598
I stand before you this
morning in barefaced awe
4
00:00:24,683 --> 00:00:28,101
of the majesty of our democratic system.
5
00:00:28,186 --> 00:00:29,936
What a night.
6
00:00:30,022 --> 00:00:32,022
In a democracy such as ours,
7
00:00:32,107 --> 00:00:35,025
it falls to the people to
choose their president,
8
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,661
and that is what you
attempted to do last night.
9
00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:41,531
As it turned out, there's a
virtually unprecedented tie
10
00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:42,999
in the electoral college,
11
00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:44,751
a somewhat arcane institution
12
00:00:44,870 --> 00:00:47,370
that many scholars believe
we should do away with.
13
00:00:47,506 --> 00:00:49,873
I wish to say on a personal note
14
00:00:50,008 --> 00:00:51,841
that although there is a tie,
15
00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:55,378
I am most privileged to
have won the popular vote.
16
00:00:55,464 --> 00:00:57,881
And though this tie may be frustrating,
17
00:00:57,966 --> 00:01:00,216
I want to assure the American people
18
00:01:00,302 --> 00:01:02,385
our country is not leaderless.
19
00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:05,939
No matter who you voted
for, I am your president.
20
00:01:06,058 --> 00:01:08,441
Thank you all. God bless you.
21
00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:12,612
And may God bless the
United States of America.
22
00:01:12,731 --> 00:01:14,614
We're clear.
23
00:01:14,733 --> 00:01:17,567
Can we have the room?
Fantastic speech, ma'am.
24
00:01:17,653 --> 00:01:20,153
The three Ss... strength,
stability and bullshit.
25
00:01:20,238 --> 00:01:23,740
I forgot to thank the voters for making our
country look like a high school Spanish club.
26
00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:26,910
Didn't those founding fuckers
ever hear of an odd number?
27
00:01:26,995 --> 00:01:29,412
Two great Greek
contributions to society...
28
00:01:29,498 --> 00:01:31,748
democracy and getting fucked up the ass.
29
00:01:31,833 --> 00:01:34,968
I've tried both and they're
way overrated, like jazz.
30
00:01:35,087 --> 00:01:38,305
My bowling coach used to say a tie
was like kissing your sister.
31
00:01:38,423 --> 00:01:41,141
Well, this feels like my sister
took a shit on my chest.
32
00:01:41,259 --> 00:01:43,810
God, I'll tell you something, too, okay?
33
00:01:43,929 --> 00:01:46,763
There is no world in which I
am going to be vice president
34
00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:50,934
to that smug, Dick Van Dyke-looking
motherfucker Tom James.
35
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:52,736
Who in the hell does he think...
36
00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:55,021
Catherine, what are you
doing with that thing?
37
00:01:55,107 --> 00:01:57,490
- Is that on?
- Remember when we got back last night?
38
00:01:57,609 --> 00:01:59,109
My thesis film about the tie.
39
00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,527
She majored in film at Vassar College.
40
00:02:00,612 --> 00:02:02,362
Oh, believe me, I know
what she majored in.
41
00:02:02,447 --> 00:02:04,698
65 grand a year to watch movies.
42
00:02:04,783 --> 00:02:06,700
Mom, this is such a historic event.
43
00:02:06,785 --> 00:02:08,535
Can you please just get off of me?
44
00:02:08,620 --> 00:02:10,620
And I never came up with a
thesis my advisor liked
45
00:02:10,706 --> 00:02:13,340
because I had that thing last semester
where I was tired all the time...
46
00:02:13,458 --> 00:02:16,509
Okay, we don't have time to hear
the story of your syndrome.
47
00:02:16,628 --> 00:02:18,294
What about your minor, dance?
48
00:02:18,380 --> 00:02:21,765
Why don't you make up a little kind
of a dance about the election?
49
00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:24,517
You know, you can't decide should
you dance or should you not dance?
50
00:02:24,636 --> 00:02:27,771
I want you to take this seriously.
You promised me.
51
00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:30,190
Please, Catherine, stop with
the whining, all right?
52
00:02:30,308 --> 00:02:32,942
You're gonna shatter the
bulletproof glass in here.
53
00:02:33,028 --> 00:02:34,861
How is it that we did not win Delaware?
54
00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:37,897
Okay, is that a yes to my question?
55
00:02:39,651 --> 00:02:43,119
Okay, she can have full access, okay?
56
00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:46,740
Starting right after we address
the situation in Yemen.
57
00:02:46,825 --> 00:02:48,408
Honey, it's Yemen.
58
00:02:48,493 --> 00:02:51,661
Life gives you Yemen, you
got to make Yemenade.
59
00:02:51,747 --> 00:02:53,797
Okay, well, I'll come back later.
60
00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,999
You always do.
61
00:02:56,084 --> 00:02:57,333
Ma'am.
62
00:02:57,419 --> 00:02:58,835
No, there's not gonna be a film.
63
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:00,804
The only thing Catherine ever finished
64
00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:02,338
was an entire ice cream cake.
65
00:03:02,424 --> 00:03:03,840
Quick thinking about Yemen, by the way.
66
00:03:03,925 --> 00:03:06,393
Actually, four Christian
missionaries burned to death.
67
00:03:06,511 --> 00:03:07,427
Oh, even better.
68
00:03:07,512 --> 00:03:09,813
Amy! Jesus.
69
00:03:09,898 --> 00:03:12,432
This thing on the side of my
face feels like a dog nipple.
70
00:03:12,517 --> 00:03:13,900
It's hardly noticeable, ma'am,
71
00:03:14,019 --> 00:03:15,819
like our Hispanic voter turnout.
72
00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:18,354
Maybe you just might want to
see a doctor just in case.
73
00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:20,740
No, she doesn't need a doctor.
I got it under control.
74
00:03:20,859 --> 00:03:22,192
- Amy!
- Yeah?
75
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:23,993
- So, what?
- Nothing.
76
00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:26,196
I've been on the phone all
night with these clueless
77
00:03:26,281 --> 00:03:28,114
constitutional law experts of ours.
78
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:29,866
I don't know what's getting
their dicks harder,
79
00:03:29,951 --> 00:03:31,835
an electoral college tie
or talking to a girl.
80
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:35,538
- Are you back?
- No, I'm not back. I'm just helping out.
81
00:03:35,624 --> 00:03:36,790
- Ma'am.
- What?
82
00:03:36,875 --> 00:03:39,175
Do you want to see a doctor about the...
83
00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:41,344
- It's a stress pimple.
- No, it's...
84
00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:43,763
- I get them on my ass all the time.
- It's not a stress pimple.
85
00:03:43,882 --> 00:03:46,683
It's a pimple that erupted
during a very stressful time.
86
00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:48,351
- Gary's on it, okay?
- Exactly, yes.
87
00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:50,437
- I don't have a spoon.
- Oh.
88
00:03:50,555 --> 00:03:52,055
Have you tried cider vinegar?
89
00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:54,023
No, we're using hot compresses.
That's all we need.
90
00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:57,143
For the stress pimple? Ben gets those
on his butt. She should see a doctor.
91
00:03:57,229 --> 00:03:58,945
- Amy's back.
- No, I'm not back.
92
00:03:59,064 --> 00:04:01,231
- Ma'am, rave reviews on the speech.
- Good.
93
00:04:01,316 --> 00:04:03,900
- Oh, and big news.
- Oh, God, O'Brien made a statement?
94
00:04:04,035 --> 00:04:06,870
I'm sorry, I should have
said big personal news.
95
00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:09,122
Wendy and I are adopting
a baby from China.
96
00:04:09,241 --> 00:04:09,879
Oh!
97
00:04:09,904 --> 00:04:11,815
We were keeping it a secret
till after the election.
98
00:04:11,910 --> 00:04:14,077
Actually, Wendy was keeping it
a secret from me until today
99
00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:15,745
because I'm so bad with keeping secrets.
100
00:04:15,831 --> 00:04:18,715
- But I'm gonna be a dad.
- You're a nincompoop.
101
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,918
We are in the middle of a tied election.
102
00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:25,338
There is no time for some Chinese baby.
103
00:04:25,423 --> 00:04:27,423
Cancel it and see if you
can get your money back.
104
00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:30,260
Fortune cookie say you fuck
up big-time, round eye.
105
00:04:30,345 --> 00:04:33,313
It's not a big deal. I don't
even know when to expect her.
106
00:04:33,431 --> 00:04:36,099
And, starting today, I'm
getting in dad shape.
107
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:36,893
Counting my steps.
108
00:04:36,918 --> 00:04:38,675
Too bad you're not
counting your missteps.
109
00:04:38,770 --> 00:04:40,153
You'd be done by breakfast, right?
110
00:04:40,272 --> 00:04:42,155
I prefer to count my steps in my head.
111
00:04:42,274 --> 00:04:44,190
4,383.
112
00:04:44,276 --> 00:04:46,159
Get out of my sight, Kent, okay?
113
00:04:46,278 --> 00:04:47,660
I have not forgiven you for this tie.
114
00:04:47,779 --> 00:04:50,446
Ma'am, I have the final House results.
115
00:04:52,284 --> 00:04:54,250
- Lafontaine won?
- Mm-hmm.
116
00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:56,169
How many abortions does a pro-lifer
117
00:04:56,288 --> 00:04:58,922
have to pressure his mistress into
before the people turn on him?
118
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:01,291
- Three.
- And how did Craig lose?
119
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:02,959
Didn't she go to Indiana,
like, five times?
120
00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:05,128
That may have been the problem.
121
00:05:05,213 --> 00:05:07,597
All right, listen. From
this moment forward,
122
00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:09,883
people, I am all about the House vote.
123
00:05:09,968 --> 00:05:13,770
We are recommending direct engagement
with individual congressmen.
124
00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:15,638
- That's got to happen.
- That's right.
125
00:05:15,724 --> 00:05:17,690
And every day you have to do the
one thing O'Brien can't do.
126
00:05:17,809 --> 00:05:20,643
- Yeah, drive sober.
- Take a shit without getting a hernia.
127
00:05:20,729 --> 00:05:23,146
Be the president. It is imperative
128
00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:25,281
that you look presidential right now.
129
00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:27,367
I'm going to visit troops,
130
00:05:27,485 --> 00:05:30,320
go on and off of Air Force
One as much as possible.
131
00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,121
- We don't even have to leave the ground.
- Right.
132
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:33,990
Ma'am, you may want to consider
133
00:05:34,075 --> 00:05:36,376
- moving up that symposium on race.
- Uh...
134
00:05:36,494 --> 00:05:39,712
I don't think that we're
symposium on race desperate yet.
135
00:05:39,831 --> 00:05:42,498
- All right?
- Hi.
136
00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:43,833
Sorry I'm late.
137
00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:46,135
Strangely, I agree with
everything Amy just said.
138
00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:48,254
And if I may also suggest
139
00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:50,807
repurposing the election Twitter account
140
00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:53,843
to a new POTUS account to talk
directly to the American people.
141
00:05:53,929 --> 00:05:57,430
Great idea, Bill. Could you...
142
00:05:57,515 --> 00:06:00,683
could you step outside
for a moment, please?
143
00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:02,602
Sure.
144
00:06:03,855 --> 00:06:05,855
Now.
145
00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:08,107
There's only one person
146
00:06:08,193 --> 00:06:10,193
I'd be more surprised to see
today in the Roosevelt Room
147
00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:12,362
and that's Teddy fucking Roosevelt.
148
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:14,614
- I'm just trying to help the president.
- And she appreciates that.
149
00:06:14,699 --> 00:06:18,034
But the US Attorney for the District
of Columbia is prepared to indict you.
150
00:06:18,119 --> 00:06:20,920
You're as welcome here as a
swastika-shaped shit in a synagogue.
151
00:06:21,039 --> 00:06:22,789
- Of course.
- I spoke with the president
152
00:06:22,874 --> 00:06:25,041
and she's willing to
reconsider a full pardon
153
00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:27,794
if you surrender quietly. No media.
154
00:06:27,879 --> 00:06:30,296
Just don't want to
dominate the news cycle.
155
00:06:30,382 --> 00:06:32,882
- Can I just say one thing?
- Yes, good-bye.
156
00:06:36,221 --> 00:06:38,721
So, how'd it go?
157
00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:40,056
He took it like a man.
158
00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:42,725
Oh, well, he better get
used to that. Pfft.
159
00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:44,394
Isn't she adorable?
160
00:06:44,479 --> 00:06:46,863
- Oh, they all look alike to me.
- What?
161
00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:50,366
Not Chinese people, but
pictures of children. How old?
162
00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:53,903
The agency says she's either
16 months or three years old.
163
00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:55,705
- Do you like your Fitbit?
- Oh, yeah.
164
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:58,741
I am just over 12,000 steps today.
165
00:06:58,827 --> 00:07:00,994
I'm at 3,000. Did you run to work today?
166
00:07:01,079 --> 00:07:03,079
No, the job keeps me active.
167
00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:05,498
Office of the president.
168
00:07:06,584 --> 00:07:07,800
Hold, please.
169
00:07:07,919 --> 00:07:10,303
When we come back, the
pollster postmortem.
170
00:07:10,422 --> 00:07:13,089
Why were the exit polls so off?
171
00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:19,262
- Oh, Greg. Greg.
- Dan.
172
00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:20,930
- Great job last night.
- Thank you.
173
00:07:21,016 --> 00:07:22,649
I saw Matty Curtis crying
in the parking garage.
174
00:07:22,767 --> 00:07:24,567
That's fantastic. Hey, listen.
175
00:07:24,653 --> 00:07:26,569
I was really hoping to get back
on, but they got me waiting
176
00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:28,521
- in the greenroom for, like, two hours.
- Spauldy showed up.
177
00:07:28,606 --> 00:07:30,690
He's here. He's getting his hair done.
Just go home, I guess.
178
00:07:30,775 --> 00:07:32,325
But I killed it last night, right?
179
00:07:32,444 --> 00:07:34,444
Dan, look, I think you could
have a future in this,
180
00:07:34,529 --> 00:07:36,279
but you got to get out there
and make a name for yourself.
181
00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:38,948
You ran one campaign for two weeks
and had a nervous breakdown.
182
00:07:39,034 --> 00:07:40,450
That is medically inaccurate.
183
00:07:40,535 --> 00:07:42,201
Go out, win a race with a Jesus-loving
184
00:07:42,287 --> 00:07:44,754
homophobic homosexual or
a racist billionaire.
185
00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:46,789
Then we can talk about a career in TV.
186
00:07:51,129 --> 00:07:54,630
- How's Zitzilla looking?
- Angry. You been picking at it?
187
00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,716
No.
188
00:07:56,801 --> 00:08:00,019
Ahem, well, maybe a little bit, but...
189
00:08:00,138 --> 00:08:02,138
- Ow! Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. What? What?
190
00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:05,224
- Oh, that is so hot.
- It's supposed to be hot.
191
00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:06,976
And the tea is cold.
192
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:08,811
Madam President, Chinese hackers
193
00:08:08,947 --> 00:08:11,531
breached an NSA firewall
earlier this morning.
194
00:08:11,649 --> 00:08:13,616
- Any chance they fixed the Wi-Fi?
- I'll check.
195
00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:15,985
And the director of the Secret
Service is waiting to see you.
196
00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:18,738
Then send him in. If he's been
waiting to see me, I mean...
197
00:08:18,823 --> 00:08:20,656
- hi, Keith.
- Sorry to bother you, ma'am.
198
00:08:20,742 --> 00:08:22,742
No, it's okay. It's no bother.
199
00:08:22,827 --> 00:08:26,162
Since you became president, we have been
looking for a new lead agent for your detail.
200
00:08:26,247 --> 00:08:29,132
Gosh, I like Bob. I mean, apart
from the discolored tooth.
201
00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:31,551
But that's obviously not
a reason to replace him.
202
00:08:31,669 --> 00:08:33,419
- Can they replace the tooth?
- No, no.
203
00:08:33,505 --> 00:08:35,505
Ma'am, this is Special
Agent Marjorie Palmiotti.
204
00:08:35,590 --> 00:08:37,173
- Oh, hello.
- Hello, ma'am.
205
00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:38,841
- Agent?
- Palmiotti.
206
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:40,977
- Palmiotti, okay. Welcome aboard.
- Thank you.
207
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:42,979
Ma'am, a key requirement
for being lead agent
208
00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:45,598
is someone who looks like the
president, especially from behind,
209
00:08:45,683 --> 00:08:48,568
to provide an additional decoy
target for any would-be assailants.
210
00:08:48,686 --> 00:08:50,937
I'm a perfect match from behind.
211
00:08:51,022 --> 00:08:54,907
Um, okay, I'll tell you something.
212
00:08:55,026 --> 00:08:57,744
I am not quite seeing it,
213
00:08:57,862 --> 00:09:01,364
um, only because I'm...
214
00:09:03,034 --> 00:09:06,169
well, you are...
215
00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:07,067
Ma'am?
216
00:09:07,092 --> 00:09:09,529
It's just... would you mind
just giving us a second,
217
00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:12,508
Agent Palmi... thank you.
218
00:09:14,045 --> 00:09:17,797
Keith, are you really not
seeing what it is I'm seeing?
219
00:09:17,882 --> 00:09:20,133
- No, ma'am.
- Gary, can you help me out here?
220
00:09:20,218 --> 00:09:22,435
She smells completely
different, so, you know...
221
00:09:22,554 --> 00:09:24,937
That is not what... it's not...
222
00:09:25,056 --> 00:09:27,890
Excuse me, ma'am, if you... I'm sorry.
223
00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:31,394
- What?
- You've got to see this, ma'am.
224
00:09:31,479 --> 00:09:33,896
- Pleasure to meet you.
- Pleasure to meet you, ma'am.
225
00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:37,116
Oh, shit.
226
00:09:37,235 --> 00:09:38,985
The big story at this moment... Nevada.
227
00:09:39,070 --> 00:09:40,787
With all the votes now tallied,
228
00:09:40,905 --> 00:09:43,956
Senator Bill O'Brien's lead
over President Selina Meyer
229
00:09:44,075 --> 00:09:47,460
is now less than half a percent,
which by Nevada state law
230
00:09:47,579 --> 00:09:49,662
would allow for a possible recount.
231
00:09:49,747 --> 00:09:52,298
If President Meyer
were to win a recount,
232
00:09:52,417 --> 00:09:54,417
she wins Nevada's six electoral votes
233
00:09:54,502 --> 00:09:56,335
- and therefore the presidency.
- Oh!
234
00:09:56,421 --> 00:09:58,921
- All the networks have it.
- "New York Times" as well.
235
00:09:59,007 --> 00:10:01,808
Oh, my God! Oh, wait.
236
00:10:01,926 --> 00:10:04,844
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a
minute. Is this really happening?
237
00:10:04,929 --> 00:10:06,929
I mean, do we actually
have a chance at Nevada?
238
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:08,681
- "Nev-add-a."
- Oh, my God.
239
00:10:08,766 --> 00:10:11,934
I get to be president. I don't
have to move. What do we do?
240
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:13,820
Ma'am, we need to be sure
that when we get on...
241
00:10:13,938 --> 00:10:16,439
No, shut up, Kent. You already
lost Nevada for me once.
242
00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:18,658
- "Nev-add-a."
- Ben, what do we do?
243
00:10:18,776 --> 00:10:21,777
Uh, we need to get ahold of our
people in Nevada. Don't. Don't.
244
00:10:21,863 --> 00:10:24,247
The vast majority of
Nevada voting is done by machine.
245
00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:26,666
Once the Nevada Secretary of
State certifies the count,
246
00:10:26,784 --> 00:10:28,618
we'll then have 72 hours
to request a recount.
247
00:10:28,703 --> 00:10:31,420
At that point, 5% of the
precincts will be selected,
248
00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:32,872
and if there's a discrepancy
of more than 1%,
249
00:10:32,957 --> 00:10:35,007
a full hand recount will be requested.
250
00:10:35,126 --> 00:10:37,677
I actually did my doctorate in
recount procedures in the West.
251
00:10:37,795 --> 00:10:40,179
Excellent work, Richard.
Richard works for me.
252
00:10:40,298 --> 00:10:41,325
You have a doctorate?
253
00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:43,990
Two. Constitutional law
and veterinary medicine,
254
00:10:44,102 --> 00:10:46,102
- which was my fallback.
- But you were getting my coffee.
255
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:48,855
Which is much harder 'cause you
have so many different moods.
256
00:10:48,973 --> 00:10:51,140
Like a half-caff and a
full-caff, macchiato.
257
00:10:51,226 --> 00:10:52,725
- "Ma-key-ato."
- Macchiato.
258
00:10:52,810 --> 00:10:56,195
Okay, Richard, you are going
to be my recount specialist.
259
00:10:56,314 --> 00:10:58,147
- Jonah, you're working for Richard.
- Wait, what?
260
00:10:58,233 --> 00:11:00,366
Amy, you got to sort
all of this out, okay?
261
00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:02,652
Ma'am, I really can't go to Nevada.
I'm not even really here.
262
00:11:02,737 --> 00:11:05,738
Ma'am, O'Brien is calling a press conference
in an hour to discuss the recount.
263
00:11:05,823 --> 00:11:07,823
I'm gonna talk in a half an hour, okay?
264
00:11:07,959 --> 00:11:09,625
I got to say stuff before he says stuff.
265
00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:11,744
- Listen, you got to write something up.
- I'm on it.
266
00:11:11,829 --> 00:11:14,664
- Right now. Ooh, recount, recount.
- I'm on it.
267
00:11:14,749 --> 00:11:16,382
Jonah, with me, please.
268
00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:20,336
This is highly enriched
weapons-grade bullshit.
269
00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:22,588
How dare she put you in charge of me?
270
00:11:22,674 --> 00:11:24,173
It's an outrage is what it is.
271
00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:26,175
It is an outrage, you know?
272
00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:27,760
She's Uncle Dursley and she's got
273
00:11:27,845 --> 00:11:31,647
the great wizard Harry Potter
living under the staircase.
274
00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:34,100
Do you see that? But what happens
in the Harry Potter books?
275
00:11:34,185 --> 00:11:36,018
He rises up and he
kills all the muggles.
276
00:11:36,104 --> 00:11:37,770
I don't think that's what happens.
277
00:11:37,855 --> 00:11:40,990
Actually, I'm sorry, that lumbar
support goes with this chair.
278
00:11:44,028 --> 00:11:46,946
- Yeah, we're getting there.
- Okay, so what do you got?
279
00:11:47,031 --> 00:11:50,166
Am I still standing in barefaced awe of
the majesty of our democratic system?
280
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:52,001
Not exactly, ma'am. This time...
281
00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:53,419
- Oh, sorry.
- What?
282
00:11:53,538 --> 00:11:55,338
Just hit 5,000 steps on my Fitbit.
283
00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:57,840
- Okay, okay.
- This time, you're simply blessed.
284
00:11:57,926 --> 00:12:00,760
Wow, I thought your last one
was flowery, vacuous nonsense.
285
00:12:00,878 --> 00:12:03,346
This one is much worse. Excellent, Mike.
286
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:05,381
Gary, this is taking longer than it did
287
00:12:05,466 --> 00:12:07,412
for them to paint my
fucking pool house.
288
00:12:07,437 --> 00:12:08,291
We got to go.
289
00:12:08,386 --> 00:12:11,804
- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
290
00:12:11,889 --> 00:12:14,857
Yes, oh, wow. Look at this full house.
291
00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:18,311
When I think about this
great country of ours,
292
00:12:18,396 --> 00:12:21,147
I have to count my blessings.
293
00:12:21,232 --> 00:12:23,649
Earlier today as you'll remember,
294
00:12:23,735 --> 00:12:26,235
I briefed you on the state
of affairs regarding...
295
00:12:26,321 --> 00:12:27,787
It's looking a little worse.
296
00:12:27,905 --> 00:12:29,538
Wherever you stand in the room,
297
00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:31,741
it's still looking at you.
298
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:34,243
Since that time, we have
been doubly blessed
299
00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:37,797
by new developments in
the state of Nevada.
300
00:12:37,915 --> 00:12:41,250
And I am confident...
301
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,252
...that all Americans,
302
00:12:43,338 --> 00:12:45,471
including Senator O'Brien...
303
00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:48,341
- Leave it. Leave it.
- Come on.
304
00:12:48,426 --> 00:12:50,760
It is my clear duty as president
305
00:12:50,845 --> 00:12:52,845
to enforce the laws of this country
306
00:12:52,930 --> 00:12:54,764
after a careful assessment
307
00:12:54,849 --> 00:12:58,150
of what those laws actually mean.
308
00:12:59,420 --> 00:13:02,796
I am also blessed to be your
candidate for president.
309
00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:05,858
- What is this?
- Did it pop? Did it pop?
310
00:13:05,943 --> 00:13:09,578
The Dow is dropping lower than
my balls on a hot summer day.
311
00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:12,782
While the American people
may sometimes be...
312
00:13:12,867 --> 00:13:14,200
It's the fucking pimple.
313
00:13:14,285 --> 00:13:17,286
Zitzilla just stomped
all over Wall Street.
314
00:13:17,372 --> 00:13:21,457
And in that, we are all blessed.
315
00:13:21,542 --> 00:13:24,710
Thank you.
316
00:13:26,464 --> 00:13:29,298
So, how was that?
317
00:13:29,384 --> 00:13:33,686
- Uh...
- The Dow has dropped 986...
318
00:13:33,805 --> 00:13:35,554
Oh, suck my dick.
319
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:38,307
Panic from the recount
led to a huge sell-off
320
00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:40,476
and the market is so
overmargined, blammo.
321
00:13:40,561 --> 00:13:42,561
They're already calling
it Black Wednesday.
322
00:13:42,647 --> 00:13:44,864
Jesus, it's only Wednesday?
323
00:13:44,982 --> 00:13:46,649
And O'Brien just issued a statement.
324
00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:51,153
He says, "The market crash caused
a blotch on the face of America."
325
00:13:51,239 --> 00:13:53,155
Is that about my pimple?
326
00:13:53,241 --> 00:13:55,408
Well, I don't think it helped.
327
00:13:56,994 --> 00:13:59,078
- Gary.
- Yeah?
328
00:13:59,163 --> 00:14:01,714
- I want to see a doctor.
- Okay, I just don't think...
329
00:14:01,833 --> 00:14:04,667
You did this, okay? All that
heat made it grow bigger.
330
00:14:04,802 --> 00:14:07,803
You baked a fucking soufflé on my face.
331
00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:14,009
Madam President. Howzit going?
332
00:14:14,095 --> 00:14:15,761
Did he just say zit?
333
00:14:15,847 --> 00:14:18,764
How come no one ever tries to
assassinate a vice president?
334
00:14:18,850 --> 00:14:21,183
Okay, so what are we
going to do about the economy?
335
00:14:21,269 --> 00:14:24,603
Why don't we appoint an economy czar for
a start? That seems like something.
336
00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:27,239
Like an empty cop car they park on the
side of the road to slow speeders.
337
00:14:27,358 --> 00:14:28,858
Those cars are empty?
338
00:14:28,943 --> 00:14:31,527
- Okay, you've got to sit down.
- Yes, ma'am.
339
00:14:31,612 --> 00:14:34,663
Guys, it might be time to move
up the symposium on race.
340
00:14:34,749 --> 00:14:37,333
I'm on it, ma'am,
like brown on rice.
341
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:42,171
Ma'am, Tom James just gave an interview
to the Bumfuck "Plain Dealer"
342
00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:45,541
where he says, and I quote, "I just
want to make sure they're recounting
343
00:14:45,626 --> 00:14:49,428
all the absentee ballots of our men
and women bravely serving overseas."
344
00:14:49,547 --> 00:14:50,402
It's up on AP, too.
345
00:14:50,427 --> 00:14:52,989
What is he doing? He knows
that the military hates me.
346
00:14:53,050 --> 00:14:55,101
There are only bound to be
more votes for O'Brien.
347
00:14:55,219 --> 00:14:57,770
We need less of those and
more votes for you, ma'am.
348
00:14:57,889 --> 00:14:59,972
You think?
349
00:15:00,057 --> 00:15:03,859
No, what we have to do is
hang a bell on this guy.
350
00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:05,694
He's completely off book.
351
00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:07,613
No, ma'am, I think that means
that he's learned all his lines
352
00:15:07,732 --> 00:15:09,064
and he no longer needs a script.
353
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,901
- No, he's off book.
- Off the hook?
354
00:15:11,986 --> 00:15:16,655
No, he's... God, he's
deviating from the book
355
00:15:16,741 --> 00:15:17,907
of the things that he should do.
356
00:15:17,992 --> 00:15:19,575
- You mean off the rails.
- Oh.
357
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:21,160
Fine, he's off the rails.
358
00:15:21,245 --> 00:15:24,713
Well, let's make Tom economy czar.
359
00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:26,465
Yeah.
360
00:15:26,584 --> 00:15:28,968
We'll czar him. That'll
give him something to do.
361
00:15:29,086 --> 00:15:30,920
All right, we're gonna start with that.
362
00:15:31,005 --> 00:15:33,923
Amy, Amy, I just need to
talk to you for one second.
363
00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:35,591
I've got a very big question.
364
00:15:35,726 --> 00:15:37,426
I can't go to Nevada. I'm sorry.
365
00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:39,061
I have thought about this a lot.
366
00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:41,263
What do you think of Candi Caruso
367
00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:43,899
to head up Nevada for me?
368
00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:46,018
Oh, yeah.
369
00:15:46,103 --> 00:15:47,987
I hear just excellent things about her.
370
00:15:48,105 --> 00:15:49,855
- "Harvard Law Review."
- Right.
371
00:15:49,941 --> 00:15:51,607
She clerked for Justice Tenny.
372
00:15:51,692 --> 00:15:53,242
- "Politico" 's 30 under 30.
- That's right.
373
00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:56,946
She's still under 30.
She looks older, but...
374
00:15:57,031 --> 00:15:58,280
- You like her? Yeah.
- Yes.
375
00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:00,166
I mean, if you want a super smart woman
376
00:16:00,284 --> 00:16:01,700
who's young and brilliant, then why not?
377
00:16:01,786 --> 00:16:03,619
Yeah, I really want that.
378
00:16:04,705 --> 00:16:06,589
I really do.
379
00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:10,209
Look, regardless of the recount, this
could mean big things for zucchini.
380
00:16:10,294 --> 00:16:12,461
Yeah, good. We'll talk later. Bye.
381
00:16:12,547 --> 00:16:15,848
Hey, Danny boy. Saw
you on TV last night.
382
00:16:15,967 --> 00:16:17,800
- Nicely done.
- Yeah. Thank you.
383
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:19,685
That's actually what I
wanted to talk to you about.
384
00:16:19,804 --> 00:16:21,804
- Uh-huh.
- See, I need to make some changes.
385
00:16:21,889 --> 00:16:25,140
Can you just let me hold
on one quick second?
386
00:16:25,226 --> 00:16:27,810
- Yeah.
- Shoot off this text. Sorry, go ahead.
387
00:16:27,895 --> 00:16:29,562
- You were saying?
- I was.
388
00:16:29,647 --> 00:16:31,981
I was saying that I really
enjoyed my time here.
389
00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:34,200
- Oh, good.
- And I've learned so much from you.
390
00:16:34,318 --> 00:16:35,734
That's good to hear.
391
00:16:35,820 --> 00:16:37,653
- Sorry about that.
- Go ahead, take that.
392
00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:39,154
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
393
00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:41,874
- It's from you?
- Is it?
394
00:16:41,993 --> 00:16:44,493
- I'm fired?
- Yes, get out.
395
00:16:44,579 --> 00:16:46,662
We are doubling down on O'Brien,
396
00:16:46,747 --> 00:16:48,881
so you're basically as useless
to me as a 40-year-old woman.
397
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,583
Okay, well...
398
00:16:50,668 --> 00:16:52,501
Oh, interesting. Getting
something back from you.
399
00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:54,837
Oh, "You can't fire me, I quib."
400
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:57,673
You know it's supposed to say quit.
401
00:16:57,808 --> 00:17:01,427
Well, I just fired you anyway.
You can't quib, you rebard.
402
00:17:01,512 --> 00:17:05,347
Ma'am, someone opened a Twitter
account for the pimple.
403
00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,016
- What?
- It's called POTUS.
404
00:17:07,101 --> 00:17:09,018
- Pimple of the United States.
- Okay.
405
00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:12,154
There are 220,000 followers
as of five minutes ago.
406
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,607
How many Twitter followers do I have?
407
00:17:14,692 --> 00:17:16,492
Approaching that.
408
00:17:16,577 --> 00:17:19,862
Is there anything not fucked up
that you can tell me right now?
409
00:17:19,947 --> 00:17:22,865
Well, the symposium on race is
all set for this afternoon.
410
00:17:22,950 --> 00:17:24,617
Oh, good. Well, that'll be a hoot.
411
00:17:24,702 --> 00:17:28,003
Oh, czar she blows.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
412
00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,672
...with the press on Sundays.
413
00:17:29,757 --> 00:17:32,258
- Hey, Tom. Excuse me.
- Madam President.
414
00:17:32,376 --> 00:17:34,209
- How are you?
- I am good.
415
00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:37,212
- So you're up to speed on Nevada?
- Uh-huh.
416
00:17:37,298 --> 00:17:40,716
- And the markets now.
- I saw that.
417
00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:43,385
My God. Which brings me to my point.
418
00:17:43,471 --> 00:17:46,968
Um, I would like to
officially offer you...
419
00:17:46,993 --> 00:17:48,581
No, no, no, no.
420
00:17:48,643 --> 00:17:51,443
- ...the position of economy czar.
- Nope, nope, nope.
421
00:17:51,562 --> 00:17:53,112
Thank you, but no.
422
00:17:53,230 --> 00:17:57,700
Why not? You would be in
charge of the economic crisis.
423
00:17:57,785 --> 00:18:00,152
No, I would be blamed for
the economic crisis.
424
00:18:00,237 --> 00:18:03,489
Tom, stop it. You wanted
to be Treasury Secretary.
425
00:18:03,574 --> 00:18:06,825
Remember? I don't see how this
is any different than that.
426
00:18:06,911 --> 00:18:09,578
Well, respectfully, Madam
President, I hope you do
427
00:18:09,664 --> 00:18:11,463
because if the President
of the United States
428
00:18:11,582 --> 00:18:13,832
can't tell the difference
between Treasury Secretary
429
00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:17,636
and stock market patsy,
that's pretty disturbing.
430
00:18:17,755 --> 00:18:19,722
Then you accept?
431
00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:23,559
Madam President, it is a huge honor,
432
00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:27,646
but I have to balance that
against my need not to do it.
433
00:18:27,765 --> 00:18:30,265
Tom, I'm asking you
434
00:18:30,401 --> 00:18:33,068
as the President of the United States.
435
00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:36,021
And, respectfully, I am declining.
436
00:18:37,575 --> 00:18:39,358
I'm not picking up any respect.
437
00:18:39,443 --> 00:18:42,194
But you're getting the declining?
438
00:18:43,781 --> 00:18:46,782
Do you know what Candi
Caruso's real name is?
439
00:18:46,867 --> 00:18:50,002
It's Candice. And she changed
it to Candi with an I.
440
00:18:50,121 --> 00:18:51,787
If she does that to
her own goddamn name,
441
00:18:51,872 --> 00:18:54,456
how the hell is she going to
handle a potential recount?
442
00:18:54,542 --> 00:18:56,675
Good morning, Amy. This is
the president's schedule,
443
00:18:56,794 --> 00:18:59,128
which, incidentally, Ms.
Caruso is on right now.
444
00:18:59,213 --> 00:19:01,013
- Oh, I'm aware.
- Oh, good morning, ma'am.
445
00:19:01,132 --> 00:19:02,297
- Good morning.
- Hey, ma'am...
446
00:19:02,383 --> 00:19:04,466
Okay, I see you. You
stay away from my face.
447
00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:07,886
I hear you, but this is a family
recipe from my aunts in Savannah
448
00:19:07,972 --> 00:19:10,305
and they swear by it for
skin problems and migraines.
449
00:19:10,391 --> 00:19:10,933
Mm-hmm.
450
00:19:10,958 --> 00:19:12,582
Chickpea based, Tabasco,
with just a dash...
451
00:19:12,643 --> 00:19:14,560
All you're doing right
now is making me hungry.
452
00:19:14,645 --> 00:19:16,214
So why don't you do
something about that?
453
00:19:16,239 --> 00:19:16,836
Sure, sure.
454
00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:18,447
- Snack.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
455
00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:21,450
Amy, did you need me for anything?
456
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:23,619
- No. I'm just chilling.
- No? Mmm.
457
00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:28,207
I think the most important
thing in terms of strategy
458
00:19:28,325 --> 00:19:29,908
is controlling the narrative.
459
00:19:29,994 --> 00:19:32,327
Oh, I have a saying. If you're
explaining, you're losing.
460
00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:34,329
Absolutely. I'm right on board with you.
461
00:19:34,465 --> 00:19:36,331
- Excuse me, Madam President.
- Amy.
462
00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:38,917
Have... have you met Candi?
463
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:41,003
Hi, it's Candi with an I.
464
00:19:41,088 --> 00:19:43,172
Amy with a Y. Which is correct.
465
00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:45,841
We are right in the
middle of an interview
466
00:19:45,926 --> 00:19:49,595
with an exceptionally wonderful
candidate for coordinating Nevada.
467
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:51,430
Ma'am, it's just gonna take a second.
468
00:19:51,515 --> 00:19:55,401
- Apologies. I'll be right back.
- Absolutely.
469
00:19:55,519 --> 00:19:57,770
- I got you a snack.
- Oh, yeah, give me that.
470
00:20:01,575 --> 00:20:03,242
That's a great dress.
471
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,028
Oh, thank you.
472
00:20:06,113 --> 00:20:09,364
- Size two?
- Um...
473
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:12,367
Ms. Caruso, the president
sends her apologies,
474
00:20:12,503 --> 00:20:13,919
but the position has been filled.
475
00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:15,954
- Ooh.
- Right this way.
476
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:18,590
Okay.
477
00:20:18,709 --> 00:20:21,593
And if I need more clothes, then
I'll have you or Mom send them.
478
00:20:21,712 --> 00:20:24,296
Yeah, fine, bye. Richard.
479
00:20:24,381 --> 00:20:26,515
- What's this?
- You know Jonah. He works for me.
480
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,467
In fact, you two used to date,
but you never got over him.
481
00:20:28,552 --> 00:20:30,352
Not Jonah. Why is baby
with a beard here?
482
00:20:30,438 --> 00:20:32,638
Oh, good, you remember Cliff.
He works for me now.
483
00:20:32,723 --> 00:20:34,356
I recruited him from Justice.
484
00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:36,525
The first of many appointments
I intend to make.
485
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,645
Here, Richard, we need recount
lawyers in each county
486
00:20:39,730 --> 00:20:41,613
and we need housing for
all the volunteers.
487
00:20:41,732 --> 00:20:43,982
Could you take care of this, Jonah?
488
00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:47,736
Cliff, my plate is just full of shit right
now and I'd like for you to clean that.
489
00:20:47,822 --> 00:20:49,538
You know what? I'll do it. Yeah.
490
00:20:49,623 --> 00:20:51,957
- I love talking to people anyway.
- Get out.
491
00:20:52,076 --> 00:20:54,877
Out. Take that cushion with you.
That is disgusting.
492
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:57,079
Actually, it goes with the seat,
so it should probably stay.
493
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:00,966
Madam President!
494
00:21:01,085 --> 00:21:04,470
I can't understand a word.
495
00:21:04,588 --> 00:21:08,173
This afternoon I asked Tom James
496
00:21:08,259 --> 00:21:10,058
to serve as economy czar
497
00:21:10,144 --> 00:21:11,927
and to my delight, he said yes.
498
00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:13,512
Madam President!
499
00:21:13,597 --> 00:21:18,267
Senator James' selflessness
is an inspiration to us all.
500
00:21:18,352 --> 00:21:22,104
Whatever useless, vain, vapid thing
you're doing right now, drop it.
501
00:21:22,189 --> 00:21:24,857
Well, I am enjoying a delicious sandwich
502
00:21:24,942 --> 00:21:27,659
made even more delicious by the fact that
there's a homeless guy watching me eat it.
503
00:21:27,778 --> 00:21:30,162
I need you to get on this
plane to Nevada with me today.
504
00:21:30,281 --> 00:21:31,580
Been there, got fucked by that.
505
00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:33,448
Cut the shit. You just got fired.
506
00:21:33,534 --> 00:21:35,450
- Purcell's told everyone in town.
- That fucker!
507
00:21:35,586 --> 00:21:38,453
Right now you're about as toxic
as a urinal cake in Chernobyl
508
00:21:38,539 --> 00:21:39,872
and I am offering you a job.
509
00:21:39,957 --> 00:21:41,790
You have exactly zero seconds to decide.
510
00:21:41,876 --> 00:21:43,876
You know, Candi Caruso
would have asked me nicer.
511
00:21:46,797 --> 00:21:49,798
Sue, the president's
remarks for the symposium.
512
00:21:49,884 --> 00:21:52,017
And... caught you.
513
00:21:52,136 --> 00:21:55,137
18,000 steps. I am Chinese baby ready.
514
00:21:55,272 --> 00:21:58,390
Oh, my God. Mike, when are the
auditions for "Music Man"?
515
00:21:58,475 --> 00:22:01,443
So how many flights, Mike?
516
00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:03,779
- What do you mean flights?
- As in flights of stairs.
517
00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:07,733
Burns way more calories. I
am at 22 flights today.
518
00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:11,570
How... stairs?
519
00:22:11,655 --> 00:22:12,988
The things you walk up and down.
520
00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:14,323
Hi, Sue. Is she busy?
521
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:15,991
Oh, wow, never mind.
522
00:22:16,126 --> 00:22:19,328
- Oh, looky, looky.
- How could you do this?
523
00:22:19,413 --> 00:22:21,630
- What?
- I gave you my decision.
524
00:22:21,715 --> 00:22:23,882
- Oh, suck it.
- Excuse me?
525
00:22:24,001 --> 00:22:26,468
Yeah, you heard me. I LBJ'd you, okay?
526
00:22:26,554 --> 00:22:28,086
I'm the LBJ queen
527
00:22:28,172 --> 00:22:30,172
and you are Sargent "Suck It" Shriver.
528
00:22:30,257 --> 00:22:32,558
And now you have to excuse me,
529
00:22:32,676 --> 00:22:34,676
because this pimple isn't
getting any smaller.
530
00:22:34,762 --> 00:22:36,895
Kind of like the national debt.
531
00:22:37,014 --> 00:22:38,897
Hey, Sue, is Dr. Abernethy here?
532
00:22:39,016 --> 00:22:41,066
- Yes.
- Okay, send him in, please.
533
00:22:41,185 --> 00:22:43,685
- Do you mind? Hi there, Doctor.
- Madam President.
534
00:22:43,821 --> 00:22:45,904
You know Senator James.
He's our new economy czar.
535
00:22:46,023 --> 00:22:48,156
- Oh, congratulations, sir.
- Thank you.
536
00:22:48,242 --> 00:22:49,691
Prosperity is just around the corner.
537
00:22:49,827 --> 00:22:52,244
- Oh, good. Good, good.
- How may I help you?
538
00:22:52,363 --> 00:22:55,530
Well, you can get rid of this
Skittle that's embedded in my face.
539
00:22:55,616 --> 00:22:58,700
She's also got a mole near her
Spanx line and it's hidden...
540
00:22:58,786 --> 00:23:02,087
Yeah, and this thing up my ass
has got to get removed, too.
541
00:23:02,206 --> 00:23:04,373
- How are you, Gary?
- Fine. You?
542
00:23:04,458 --> 00:23:08,210
- Oh, yeah. That is really deep.
- See?
543
00:23:08,295 --> 00:23:09,595
What have you been doing?
544
00:23:09,713 --> 00:23:12,130
- Just putting heat on it.
- Well, hot heat.
545
00:23:12,216 --> 00:23:13,632
That's the last thing
you want to be doing.
546
00:23:13,717 --> 00:23:15,601
- Okay.
- It wasn't that hot.
547
00:23:15,719 --> 00:23:17,386
Small cortisone shot
should take care of it.
548
00:23:17,471 --> 00:23:19,554
- Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
- Oh, yeah, come in.
549
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:22,608
We have to go over your opening
statement for the symposium.
550
00:23:22,726 --> 00:23:24,359
- Sure.
- Also, ma'am,
551
00:23:24,445 --> 00:23:26,528
catastrophic mudslides in Idaho.
552
00:23:26,614 --> 00:23:29,064
The governor is requesting a
federal state of emergency.
553
00:23:29,199 --> 00:23:31,783
- This should be cleared up in 24 hours.
- Okay.
554
00:23:31,902 --> 00:23:34,703
Just keep your skin free of
all irritants for a few days.
555
00:23:34,788 --> 00:23:37,990
- Ma'am, he said no irritants.
- You're an irritant.
556
00:23:38,075 --> 00:23:39,741
How much did we lose Idaho by?
557
00:23:39,877 --> 00:23:42,244
- Shellacked.
- Uh, well over 212,000 votes.
558
00:23:42,329 --> 00:23:45,330
Then I declare a state
of go fuck yourself.
559
00:23:45,416 --> 00:23:48,834
I'm not spending money to scrape
mud off a bunch of dirt roads.
560
00:23:48,919 --> 00:23:51,303
- You're not from Idaho, are you, Doctor?
- No, ma'am.
561
00:23:51,422 --> 00:23:53,338
I don't mean this to sound insensitive,
562
00:23:53,424 --> 00:23:56,224
but don't you think that mudslides
563
00:23:56,310 --> 00:23:58,510
are the funniest kind
of natural disasters?
564
00:23:58,595 --> 00:24:01,346
I've always been partial to sinkholes.
You know, ah!
565
00:24:01,432 --> 00:24:04,066
- Those are hilarious.
- Nature's trapdoor.
566
00:24:04,151 --> 00:24:07,352
Ma'am, makeup is an irritant
and we really need that.
567
00:24:07,438 --> 00:24:10,689
- Makeup is not an irritant.
- Actually, ma'am, yes, it is.
568
00:24:10,774 --> 00:24:14,076
Let's avoid any makeup on the
facial area for at least 48 hours.
569
00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:16,445
- You're gonna feel a small...
- Oh, no, we're not gonna do this.
570
00:24:16,530 --> 00:24:18,914
- But thanks for coming.
- Yes, ma'am.
571
00:24:18,999 --> 00:24:20,832
I'll show you out.
572
00:24:20,951 --> 00:24:22,784
We need to take a peek at this.
573
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:26,038
- Thank you, Doc.
- Cold compress, Gary.
574
00:24:26,123 --> 00:24:27,289
Whatever.
575
00:24:33,464 --> 00:24:34,164
I mean...
576
00:24:34,189 --> 00:24:36,288
Yeah, took the words
right out of my mouth.
577
00:24:36,350 --> 00:24:37,549
- Right?
- Yeah.
578
00:24:37,634 --> 00:24:40,218
- Ma'am?
- Hmm?
579
00:24:40,304 --> 00:24:43,939
Oh, Ben, were we able to get Dr.
Weisglass here today?
580
00:24:44,024 --> 00:24:44,741
Absolutely, ma'am.
581
00:24:44,766 --> 00:24:46,916
Okay. Oh, good, Catherine.
You're documenting this.
582
00:24:46,977 --> 00:24:51,229
Okay, welcome to the First
Annual Towards a New Promise...
583
00:24:51,315 --> 00:24:52,898
Mom, don't look into the camera.
584
00:24:52,983 --> 00:24:55,067
- Just pretend I'm not here.
- But you are here.
585
00:24:55,152 --> 00:24:57,536
Yeah, but that's the point of a
documentary film is that you're...
586
00:24:57,654 --> 00:24:59,988
Okay, I don't understand what this
project is at all. I don't get it.
587
00:25:00,124 --> 00:25:01,656
Catherine, why is that your hair?
588
00:25:01,792 --> 00:25:03,625
They're ready for you, ma'am.
589
00:25:14,638 --> 00:25:16,471
There he is.
590
00:25:16,557 --> 00:25:17,086
Dr. Weisglass.
591
00:25:17,111 --> 00:25:18,697
Pleasure to see you
again, Madam President.
592
00:25:18,759 --> 00:25:20,726
I'm so pleased you were able to make it.
593
00:25:20,844 --> 00:25:23,061
And I'm really excited to start
this conversation today.
594
00:25:23,180 --> 00:25:25,263
- Yes, ma'am.
- Sam O'Keefe, also Harvard.
595
00:25:25,349 --> 00:25:27,682
I think what we're gonna
talk about today is hard,
596
00:25:27,768 --> 00:25:29,651
but I think it's going to be
worth it, don't you agree?
597
00:25:29,737 --> 00:25:31,269
- I agree, yes. Thank you.
- Good, good.
598
00:25:31,355 --> 00:25:33,655
Madam President, Elisa Burke,
599
00:25:33,741 --> 00:25:36,241
cochair of African-American
Studies at Howard.
600
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:39,361
- Oh, Ms. Burke, is it?
- Yes.
601
00:25:39,446 --> 00:25:42,030
Great. Well, every
difficult conversation
602
00:25:42,116 --> 00:25:45,367
starts with a sentence.
603
00:25:46,954 --> 00:25:49,421
What the fuck is going on here?
Why are they all white?
604
00:25:49,540 --> 00:25:51,506
Looks like the NHL All-Star Weekend.
605
00:25:51,592 --> 00:25:53,375
Okay. Hello.
606
00:25:53,460 --> 00:25:55,677
Franklin Washington,
Morehouse University.
607
00:25:55,763 --> 00:25:57,846
Now, Morehouse University
608
00:25:57,931 --> 00:26:00,382
is historically an
African-American university.
609
00:26:00,467 --> 00:26:02,267
- Historically.
- Okay.
610
00:26:02,386 --> 00:26:04,186
We need to round up
some blacks and fast.
611
00:26:04,271 --> 00:26:07,639
- We need to round up...
- Don't say it over the radio, asshole.
612
00:26:07,724 --> 00:26:10,392
Richard! Oh, thank God.
613
00:26:10,477 --> 00:26:12,227
Go get Sue. We need her now.
614
00:26:12,362 --> 00:26:14,062
- Right now.
- Yeah.
615
00:26:14,198 --> 00:26:15,564
Folks, I look around here today
616
00:26:15,649 --> 00:26:18,233
and I see a rainbow of faces, you know?
617
00:26:18,368 --> 00:26:21,987
Faces from the savannahs of Africa
618
00:26:22,072 --> 00:26:25,490
to the cities and towns of England.
619
00:26:25,576 --> 00:26:28,076
Faces from... from Holland
620
00:26:28,212 --> 00:26:30,378
and even perhaps Norway.
621
00:26:38,639 --> 00:26:40,388
In your fucking face, Sue.
622
00:26:40,474 --> 00:26:42,224
Fuck!
623
00:26:44,478 --> 00:26:47,095
Everyone remain calm.
We're in total lockdown
624
00:26:47,181 --> 00:26:48,980
- while we search the premises.
- We got her.
625
00:26:49,099 --> 00:26:50,899
Freeze! Put your hands up!
626
00:26:50,984 --> 00:26:52,818
Whoa, whoa! I work here.
627
00:26:52,936 --> 00:26:55,437
- Huh? What happened?
- Ma'am?
628
00:26:55,522 --> 00:26:58,490
Mr. McLintock, why are there so few
people of color in the Meyer White House?
629
00:26:58,609 --> 00:27:00,442
Mike, does President Meyer
care about black people?
630
00:27:00,577 --> 00:27:02,994
Just moments ago, Bill Ericsson,
631
00:27:03,113 --> 00:27:05,113
former Director of White
House Communications,
632
00:27:05,249 --> 00:27:08,950
was arrested at his Kalorama home
and taken into federal custody.
633
00:27:09,086 --> 00:27:12,420
Due to the seriousness of the crimes
and despite rumors to the contrary,
634
00:27:12,506 --> 00:27:14,589
a pardon is not on the table.
635
00:27:14,675 --> 00:27:17,542
Regrettably, he was also
responsible for the chaos
636
00:27:17,628 --> 00:27:19,377
that occurred at the
symposium on race today.
637
00:27:19,463 --> 00:27:21,847
Thank you. That's all for now.
638
00:27:21,965 --> 00:27:23,849
Once again, our top story tonight,
639
00:27:23,967 --> 00:27:26,101
disgraced presidential aide Bill
Ericsson goes into federal custody.
640
00:27:26,186 --> 00:27:28,186
This is a strong move by the president,
641
00:27:28,305 --> 00:27:30,972
who was under fire for a
disastrous symposium on race
642
00:27:31,058 --> 00:27:34,476
that left some wondering if she had
any control over her administration.
643
00:27:34,561 --> 00:27:35,727
No comment!
644
00:27:35,812 --> 00:27:38,647
Wow, he looks puffy on TV.
645
00:27:38,732 --> 00:27:40,782
Well, prison will get him in shape.
646
00:27:40,868 --> 00:27:43,818
Okay, now I've just got to blow
for, like, five minutes, all right?
647
00:27:43,904 --> 00:27:45,987
When we come back, a
wild day on Wall Street.
648
00:27:46,073 --> 00:27:48,373
And we'll go live to Nevada
where armies of staffers
649
00:27:48,492 --> 00:27:51,326
and volunteers for the Meyer
and O'Brien campaigns
650
00:27:51,461 --> 00:27:55,580
are descending on the desert to
monitor and manage the recount.
651
00:28:00,254 --> 00:28:03,338
If you do not have a
reservation, we are sold out.
652
00:28:03,423 --> 00:28:05,640
There are no more rooms at this hotel.
653
00:28:05,726 --> 00:28:08,226
Richard, have your people check us in.
We're going to the lounge.
654
00:28:08,345 --> 00:28:10,345
Jonah, take care of that.
655
00:28:10,430 --> 00:28:12,814
Cliff, would...
656
00:28:12,900 --> 00:28:14,683
Cliff?
657
00:28:14,768 --> 00:28:16,851
Cliff?
658
00:28:22,693 --> 00:28:24,693
Excuse me, are you in line?
659
00:28:24,778 --> 00:28:28,029
Does anybody know where the line ends?
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net
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