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1 Yesterday, my team struck gold,

a trunk full of it in Lavinia's maze.

Lavinia clearly killed Chet for that gold,

which gives us motive.

Things are finally going our way.

Except, of course, most of our witnesses have been killed.

Whoa! Forge is dead!

She's dead.

Mickey Moose has been found dead.

But glass half-full...

I found my good-luck charm.

The skate wrench that my last client gave me.

I want to give you this.

Something to remember me by.

It's a skate wrench!

[CRYING]

[DOOR BELL JINGLES]

[SIGHS] Good morning.

- Whoa! - Comin' in hot!

I'm sorry. I guess I'm one of those people

who gets nervous when everyone around them is being murdered.

I have something called dysmimia.

When I panic, I lose the ability to correctly use hand gestures.

I know a lot of witnesses have been killed,

but we still have Chet's tattoo artist, Reverend Tats.

So there is no reason to panic.

Time to [BLEEP] panic. Turn on the TV.

Reverend James Tats was found brutally poisoned.

No!

Oh! That's horrible!

We have our first witness,

the most trustworthy person in all of our blood-soaked county,

Lavinia Peck-Foster.

- Thank you, Hayes. - Mm-hmm.

Last night, I noticed a shady character

leaving the Inky Pecker.

I went straight to the EPPD

and had the sketch artist draw this perpetrator.

Oh, our new sketch artist is great.

We got him him from the carnival circuit.

This is the man who is terrorizing our town!

Jesse Ray Beaumont!

Lavinia is trying to frame Jesse Ray for another murder.

At least we know where she is.

LAVINIA: Lawyer!

[ALL SCREAM]

How are you here?

- The TV says "Live." - No. It says "Alive."

They always put the Mayor's status up whenever he's on TV.

Where is the box you dug up in my yard?

I don't know what you're talking about.

- Please don't kill us! - Here's the box!

♪♪

What else was in the box?

Nothing.

- Here's the gold. - Please don't kill us!

Reed, give me your shoulders.

But they're attached to me.

Just do what she says!

Now, Lawyer, tell me.

What else was in the box?

There was nothing else in the box.

Lying shows a lack of respect.

Hyah, Reed!

♪♪

Purse!

Hyah! Hyah!

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CAROL ANNE: This is Princess Anne Keane.

Bringing a new life into the world

really makes me want to balance it out

by ending Jesse Ray Beaumont's.

Isn't that right, Princess Anne?

Isn't that right?

Who's your daddy?

Who is your daddy? We don't know.

We still don't know.

NINA: I'm sorry, Josh. I'm leaving.

What do you mean you're leaving?

Everyone remotely involved with this case is ending up dead.

Three people and a moose hardly counts as everyone.

- ANNE: Josh? - [KNOCK ON DOOR]

REPORTER: ...Insurance salesman Truman Derks,

found dead in an alley behind...

DWAYNE: It's a blood bath!

Four people and a moose hardly counts as everyone.

Anyway, my producer gave me a safer assignment.

I'll call you when I land in Juarez.

Okay.

Well, I guess we'll meet up when I'm back in New York.

You're not coming back to New York.

You're in love.

[SCOFFS] I am not in love.

I might be having a baby with her.

You know, it's complicated.

I meant with the town.

You look like hot garbage.

His girlfriend just left him to go to Mexico

and his client's about to die.

Dwayne!

She wasn't my girlfriend.

You want some dating advice

from a man who's been in prison for nine years?

- Not really. - Finally!

If you expect zero from people,

they won't let you down.

And if that doesn't work,

make love to a coffee can.

- I will take the first part. - ... "coffee can."

Look, you won't die if we can figure out

what Lavinia values more than gold.

Who knows? This conspiracy runs deep.

I said it when I gave Chet's eulogy and I'll say it now.

Soybeans will give you boobies.

Wait, you were at Chet's funeral?

Yeah. I wasn't arrested until a week later.

They picked up another guy before me, but they let him go.

There's nothing in the case file

about anyone being arrested before you.

It probably got buried in the cover-up.

All I know is this...

he was a handyman drifter from South Peck,

and for some reason, a decaf can feels more like the real thing.

- Handyman drifter, South Peck. - ... "decaf real thing."

Jesse Ray was right.

I found an arrest record that wasn't in the case file.

But it's been redacted.

Well, then, let's un-dact it.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Un-dacting completed.

What the hell?

In East Peck, they use pre-redacted sheet covers,

because after the Witch Trials of 1994,

all things magic were outlawed.

Including Magic Markers.

We now have our biggest lead yet...

the man who was arrested two days after Chet's murder.

According to the police report,

your hair was found at the scene of Chet Peck's murder.

I wasn't wearing it.

In 2008, there was a downturn in the handyman drifting market,

so I sold my hair to a lady for a wig.

Do you remember her name?

I never got her name, but I could describe her.

We got her.

JOSH: We got her.

Waterskiing with a cat is only a misdemeanor in this town.

Hair from Lavinia's wig was found at the crime scene!

And Atticus knew this, but never brought her in.

Why? Because the Pecks endorsed him for DA.

It was tit for tat.

Wow. Your tat is just, like, totally hanging out.

Despite your handyman drifter, Lavinia is not on trial.

Could you just hold her for a second?

Yes! Of course!

I would do anything for this little sweetie.

You little sweetie.

[SINGSONG VOICE] Princess Anne Maybe-Segal Keane.

[NORMAL VOICE] Any word on that, by the way?

- From the paternity test shop? - Not yet.

Nine months after Pumpkinfest is their busiest time of year.

Here.

If you testify against Lavinia,

as an EPPD officer

- [RADIO STATIC] - I could protect you.

You know Maria the Butcher?

Yeah. She works at the Meaty Pecker.

Her real name is Mario the Butcher.

With a motto of "Mind your own [BLEEP] business,"

East Peck is the perfect place to hide.

After his testimony put away two mob families,

the EPPD placed Mario "The Butcher" Pagano

into our Witness Protection Program.

He already had the nickname and the knife skills,

so we just gave him the butcher shop.

Hack 'em up. That's what he did.

All those people, he killed them all.

[GUNSHOT]

[BLEEP]

There's a $7 million reward for any info on his whereabouts.

But that guy's right here in town.

Think about our offer.

We'd get you $200 a week.

Before taxes.

JOSH: Today, we present our defense.

Is it the best I've felt about a case?

Absolutely not.

But is it the worst?

Yes. Yeah.

Almost all of my witnesses have been killed.

My entire case rests on the testimony of a handyman drifter

and the judge is losing patience.

Dwayne, do you have Handy Wojo?

Negative. I went to get him

and he was driving off in a new Ferrari. [SIGHS]

DISPATCH: All units, we have shots fired at the Meaty Pecker.

[TURNS OFF RADIO]

[HIGH-PITCHED, INDISTINCT TALKING]

Can you read that back?

"You have one day to end this fudging trial."

But he didn't say "fudging."

He said [BLEEP]

We have a recess until Monday.

Which is good news because [LAUGHS]

I honestly can't think of how things could possibly go worse.

[CLEARS THROAT] Could we talk, please?

Yes.

Without the... the cameras?

Oh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪♪

So, it turns out, I am not the father.

Obviously, it would've been cool if I was the father.

But, ah, it's not like I was counting on it.

Hey, what should I do with...

Toss those! Toss it!

Dibs!

I thought it might've been Josh.

I guess I knew who Princess Anne Keane's daddy was

once I saw her sleeping.

Somehow,

this precious little jewel came from you, pig [BLEEP]

Josh! Dwayne and I found something

while we were moving the box of gold.

Why were you moving the box of gold?

We wanted it to be somewhere safe.

The Bahamas.

The box has a false bottom.

Look what we found.

It's a bunch of letters.

Yeah, but you put those letters together,

and they make words.

"Dear Mama. Barcelona is great,

but one day I hope to get to America and meet you."

These are from Trig.

Of course!

This is what Lavinia values more than gold.

Letters from the son that she was forced to give up as a baby.

Sadly, children were the one thing Edgar couldn't give me.

And do you see the picture frames for children?

They're empty.

Like my womb.

We figured out Lavinia's secret.

I think I have a way to get her to confess.

Dwayne, what are you doing?

Drinking a boob-weiser out of the greatest beer-siere ever!

♪♪

Here you go, Princess Anne.

The defense would like to call to the stand,

Lavinia Peck-Foster.

Objection.

Mrs. Peck-Foster is not on any witness list.

Defense has not provided full disclosure.

[SPECTATORS GASP]

[HIGH-PITCHED, INDISTINCT TALKING]

Oh, for Heaven's sakes.

Stay in there!

What's your game, Lawyer?

I was just hoping you'd answer a few questions.

I'm sure your fans would love to hear what you had to say.

- Right? - Whoo!

- [CHEERING] - I can't hear you, East Peck!

[CHEERING INTENSIFIES]

All right. For my fans, I'll testify.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

JOSH: Mrs. Peck-Foster?

Yes?

Would you tell the court where you were when Chet died?

Of course. I was in "Barthelona."

- Barcelona. - Barthelona.

- Barcelona. - Barthelona.

- Celona. It's Barcelona. - Thelo... thelona.

Spain!

"Thpain!"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MAN: iOle!

You were in Europe,

looking for your love-child, weren't you?

- [SPECTATORS MURMUR] - In fact...

Will you please read this aloud?

"Dear Mamá,

It's been years and I'm starting to give up

hope I'll ever hear back from you."

- Is this... - That letter, and this stack,

were written by Trig Peck to his mother.

These letters were found in a box hidden by Chet.

They were the only thing keeping Lavinia

from reuniting with the son she never stopped loving.

These letters were worth killing for.

What do you think happened, Lawyer?

I spent 30 years looking for the son I was forced to give up

because he was sired by a Reed?

And then after my beloved Mother died,

I discovered that Trig had been trying to

keep in touch with me his entire life,

and she had been hiding his correspondence from me?

And then what?

I discovered my brother Chet had kept her evil ruse alive

by continuing to hide Trig's letters?

And then and then and then let me guess...

When Chet offered me these letters

in exchange for the deed to Peck Gardens, I what?

Slipped cyanide into his homemade marzipan,

which probably made it taste better,

because that stingy, little turd never used enough almonds?

Then I suppose I framed that tinfoil hat wearing weirdo

for his murder and paid that prosecutor

to sweep it under the Oriental rug?

Atticus out. [SIGHS]

If Edgar had been as tall as that tale,

he would have been able to ride a normal bicycle.

Oh. No, no, no, no.

I do not think that you murdered Chet.

No. No, no, no.

I think someone else did.

Someone who was also upset

that those letters were being kept from you.

The person who sent them.

Trig Peck!

[DOORS OPEN]

[SPECTATORS GASP]

¿Mamá, eres tu?

Sí. Mamá.

Oh, Trig, is that really you?

Where did they find you?

Barthelona.

When Trig found out

that his Uncle Chet had been keeping him

from the mother he had been searching for his entire life,

he flew into a rage and killed his uncle!

Trig is the murderer!

Not my client.

You're under arrest for the murder of Chet Peck.

You have the right to remain silent.

You have... other rights that are harder to remember.

iMamá! iMamá, no maté a Chet!

No! Let him go! He didn't do it! He's innocent!

How do you know he's innocent?

- Because. - How?

- Because. - How?

- Because. - Tell me how!

I did it!

[SPECTATORS GASP, MURMUR]

Oh! See?! Who's crazy now?!

[GAVEL BANGS]

[HIGH-PITCHED, INDISTINCT TALKING]

LAVINIA: Yes. And what did I do?

I killed them all, of course.

You must understand,

everything I did came from a mother's love.

So if killing out of love is a crime,

then I guess I'm guilty.

Is it a crime, Alex?

[HIGH-PITCHED, INDISTINCT TALKING]

[BLEEP] me.

Houseboy? Take care of Fluffy.

I'll be out in 50 years.

We'll both be waiting for you.

And don't cry for me, East Peck.

I'll be fine.

The truth is, I've been in prison all my life.

♪ I'm only a bird in a gilded cage ♪

♪ A beautiful sight to see ♪

♪ You may think I'm happy and free from care ♪

♪ I'm not, though I seem to be ♪

[CRYING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[SPECTATORS CHANTING "ENCORE!"]

♪ 'Tis sad to think of a wasted life ♪

♪ For youth cannot mate with age ♪

♪ Her beauty was sold for an old man's gold ♪

♪ She's a bird, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh ♪

♪ In a gilded ♪

♪ Cage ♪

♪ Ohh ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪♪

JOSH: Was it risky going after Lavinia?

Yes.

But we put away a killer and set an innocent man free.

And the town loves us again.

The Mayor even gave us the new combination to the city.

Of course, not everyone was happy.

Look at me, Lawyer.

I'm chained me up like some kind of criminal.

Well, you are a serial killer.

Well, you're a fibber.

That wasn't Trig.

Was it?

[MOCKINGLY] What do you think I did, Murderer?

After finding Trig's letters,

I realized you would do anything for your son?

So we tried to track him down in Bar...

- ...celona? - Th.

But then what?

I realized I didn't need to find Trig,

I just needed you to think I found him.

So we put Dwayne's brother-cousin in a wig,

spent $500 we didn't have

to teach him three words of Spanish,

but wound up having to write them phonetically

on the back of Dwayne's neck so he could what?

Be Trig?

"Mamá, no maté a Chet."

iMamá! iMamá, no maté a Chet!

Is that what you think happened?

Is it? Is it? Is it?

Yeah, it is.

This here's my brother-cousin, Wayne.

As kids, we fought all the time.

But as adults, we take care of each other.

- Talking penis says what? - What?

[LAUGHS]

[BLEEP]

Brava, Lawyer.

Brava.

I always did like you.

It may sound corny,

but that's the reason I didn't murder you.

You're old-fashioned that way.

[SIGHS]

Before you go, I need to warn you about something.

Back in 1994, the Pecks helped rid this town of witches.

Oh, yes. That's what I said. Witches.

Now that we're gone,

they'll most certainly try to come back.

And not the good kind.

I...

don't believe you.

I think you're trying to manipulate me again.

All right, Lawyer.

If you say so. [LAUGHS]

The race for DA is still too close to call.

A few propositions have been passed.

Thanks to a large turnout from East Peck Elementary,

third grader Brayden Davies is now town Surgeon General.

Also, in a historic day for East Peck,

women have won the right to be Flag Boys.

No matter what happens,

I think you would make a great DA.

For the record, I think you would've made a great...

Guys! They're announcing who won "Dah"!

Oh, get out of my way, pig [BLEEP]!

Move, move, move, move, move!

With the highest voter turnout in East Peck history at 6%,

your new District Attorney is...

Please, please, please, please...

Carol Anne Keane.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Yes! Yes, I did it!

This is a win for women everywhere! Ah!

Ms. Keane's tally was bolstered by three write-in votes for,

"That girl what boob popped out."

- Still a win. - Yeah.

It's still a win. Drinks on me.

Whoo-hoo! I'll bring the beer-siere!

Screw that. I'm going to The Bahamas.

Congratulations.

You got what you wanted.

Mostly.

Me, too.

Hey? Before, when you said that I would make a great...

You never finished that sentence.

I don't recall. Maybe a great DA?

No. No, no, no.

It was Fa-something? Da-something?

It was right on the tip of your tongue.

Tell you what. Come over later and we'll see

what winds up on the tip of your tongue.

You are a mother!

CAROL ANNE: I know.

Let's go. Let's go.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

ANNE: You've reached Josh Segal and Ass's.

Please leave your murder after the beep.

[BEEP]

MAN: Hi. I don't know if you followed

the Witch Trials of 1994.

I need you to help free the East Peck Three.

Those two boys need your help.

[BUZZER]

Mrs. Peck-Foster, time for your arraignment.

Mrs. Peck-Foster?

♪♪

Oh, my God! She's gone!

10-98!

[ALARM SOUNDS]

Good luck, Lavinia.

♪♪

Welcome to Barcelona, Mr. Del Mundo.

Barthelona.

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