Original subtitles

Previously on The Last Man On Earth...

- I need to know what this pill is. - Clozapine.

Uh, Gail, it's a match.

(both laughing, clamoring)

Looks like we have company,

and that company is a Yoda.

TANDY: Where the hell are you?

(screaming)

(a la Yoda): Found a Yoda, looks like we did.

I can't believe a kid's alive.

Poor thing, what he's been through.

Alone all this time.

No family, no friends.

Has he said anything at all?

Not yet.

TANDY: Nah, words are just things.

(chuckles) You guys'll find a way

to bond with him like I have.

Isn't that right, you little turkey?

What a connection.

So, look, I know what you're all thinking.

You know, Tandy's the finder,

so, naturally, Tandy should be the keeper.

No one's thinking that.

Yeah, there's no keeper in this situation.

This is a child.

Or a Benji Buttons.

Okay, if you still think he's a Benjamin Button,

you shouldn't be anywhere near him.

Fine, he's a kid.

Look, I put in a lot of hours out there in those woods

opening up my heart, and making him feel the security

that only a father can provide.

Now, am I his literal father?

Probably not.

But am I spiritually his father? Without a doubt.

So to quote the late Sir Paul McCartney,

and the even later Michael Jackson,

"That boy is mine.

That doggone boy is mine."

He doesn't belong to anybody,

you friggin' nimwood.

Maybe I can help. From my work with strays,

I learned that the most important thing you can do

- is project a feeling of calm. - Yeah.

You know, just make him feel comfortable, safe.

Hey, there, little guy.

- Hi. - Just relax.

We're all your friends.

Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?

(all talking at once)

Hey, there, my little dude.

You want to take your mask off?

Okay, nobody takes that mask off.

He wears that thing forever, you hear?

Are you hungry?

You want some pizza?

(both gasp)

Well, there's that beautiful face, huh?

Hey, can you tell us your name?

Huh?

Oh, he's shy.

Okay, let me start.

My name is Tandy.

Okay, so, uh,

can you tell us your little name? Huh?

It appears we're dealing with a deaf.

Or, like, a Nell.

CAROL: Okay, let me try.

I'm gonna say some common names,

and you just let me know if I guess it.

Daphne.

Smeegle?

LaFontaine.

Carol, those aren't common names.

Maybe not where you grew up,

but we had two LaFontaines on our block.

Oh, they were always picking on poor Smeegle.

- LaFontaines are notorious bullies. - Guys!

His name's labeled right here

on the front of his backpack.

He's Jansport.

No, Tandy, that's the name of the backpack company.

But it's got a nice ring to it, huh?

All in favor of naming the kid "Jansport"?

You can't name a kid a backpack.

And I would never suggest that we do that, okay?

But we can be inspired by it. Okay, let's brainstorm...

Jan, Janice...

Oh, I like Janice.

Janice it is.

No, you're not naming him Janice.

Guys, look, he's obviously got a name,

and he'll tell us when he's ready.

But in the meantime, we have to call him something.

I mean, kids need names.

It gives them confidence, self-esteem.

Half the kids in jail never had names.

That's why they give them numbers.

Ooh, how about Jansport?

Oh, we already did that one.

Uh, Jasport! Jasport.

Uh, Japort, Japah... Jasper. Jasper!

Jasper... what do you think?

Fine.

Is that okay?

Can we call you Jasper?

He loves it.

Hi, Jasper.

Hey, you want to play a game?

You do, huh? Tag!

(laughing)

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Hey, bud. (chuckles)

It's good to get away from those chumps, huh?

Just the boys, am I right? (chuckling)

Psych!

Too slow, yeah.

Hey, I got a little something for you.

Hang tight.

(engine humming)

Jasper?

Jasper?

Huh.

(turning siren on and off)

(laughs)

Well, there you are,

you little, turkey, huh? (chuckling)

Guess we're gonna have to work on the meaning

of "hang tight," 'cause you immediately took off.

No worries, bud.

Here, come on, check this out!

Look at this.

Isn't this cool?

This is called a margarita pool, Jasper.

Now, margaritas are

an adult beverage

that contain alcohol.

Now, what is alcohol?

Alcohol is what grown-ups drink

when they want to get crunk; you know, loose.

Yeah, come over and check it out.

Oh, no, no, no, no! (laughs)

This one's for me, okay?

But don't you worry, 'cause I got you

a hot tub sundae!

Come on, Jasper, last one in is a rotten egg.

(laughter continues)

Oh, very slippery.

Come on!

(laughs)

(singsongy): You're a rotten egg.

JK, bud. Oh, this is so great.

Look at this, look at this. I got the whipped cream.

(laughs)

Some peanuts.

And some cherries, too, huh?

(laughs)

This is fun and delicious, huh?

Oh, that whipped cream has gone bad.

It's gone bad. Yes, it's rancid.

Where you going, bud?

You gonna get a big run-up?

Gonna cannonball me? Nice try.

Jasper. Jasper.

(accordion playing)

♪ Crack that whip. ♪

- Hey, Todd. - Hey.

What are you up to?

Ah, just going to give Melissa her medication.

Oh. How's that going?

Well, apparently it takes a few weeks to see results.

But the side effects are coming in hot,

so that's a good sign.

You know, increased heart rate,

lots of sweats, tarry stools...

Don't need all the deets, Todd.

Copy that.

Hey, thanks again for your help.

I couldn't have done it without you.

Hey, bud.

I know this all must be so new and scary,

but I'd like to introduce you to a friend,

who might just make you feel a little more comfortable.

This is Gary.

When I was all alone,

this little guy was everything to me.

A mother, a father,

a brother, a sister.

A distant uncle who tells it like it is.

And I'll be honest, a few days away

from being a lover.

But most of all,

he was my best friend.

Now I'd like him to be your best friend.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Erica, stop! Gary!

Gary! No!

I saw what you did last summer.

- What? - You and...

Todd.

Me and Todd what?

The way he touched your shoulder?

I thought the fireworks would burn my face off.

Felt like the 4th of May over there.

You mean 4th of July?

No, the 4th of May... International Walkers Day.

My family were avid walkers. Big pedophiles.

Anyways, I thought you two were broken up.

We are broken up.

Hell, friends can touch shoulders,

for God sakes, Carol.

Well, looks like this friend was

itching for some benefits.

Carol, why are you all up in my butt about this?

It's a tale as old as time.

Girl gets stuck in an elevator, nearly dies.

Comes out scared, emotional, raw.

And then her scenester ex-boyfriend swoops in

with his shoulder touches and his sweet talk.

"Hey, babe, how you feeling? You feeling raw?

I'll make it go away."

And then you boink all night.

Boink, boink! Breather. Boink!

Yeah, it's hot, and it's kinky,

and it's making the voices in your head stop.

But the next day, you wake up and he's gone.

And, PS...

(whispers): you're pregnant.

Yeah, Carol, I don't think any of those things

are gonna happen, especially that last part.

Got it.

Oh, God, I don't know what you think you got,

but you might want to spend some of the brain time

worrying about Tandy and that kid.

But they're doing great.

TANDY: Jasper! Jasper!

How dare you!

Are they?

Jasper!

We're not done here.

He trusted you, Jasper!

Oh, don't worry, you're gonna be okay, okay?

- How's it going, Tandy? - Not well.

He just needs a little air transfusion.

Look, I hate to kick you while you're down here,

but a lot of people are a little concerned

that you might not have the aptitude to be a care giver.

Carol, I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I mean, I'm bending over backwards for this kid,

pulling out all the stops.

But he's just acting like a real LaFontaine.

Well, if he's misbehaving,

then maybe

you got to do something about it.

Have you seen Mr. Holland's Opus?

- No. - Me, neither. I hear it's great.

But that same year, there was another movie

that came out called Dangerous Minds.

Oh, good, okay.

It's about a woman named Michelle Pfeiffer,

who marches into an inner-city classroom,

and for the first time in the history of the world,

she wins kids over with stern disciplinarianism.

She just lets her hair down and puts on

a tight-fitted leather jacket.

She flips her chair around

and doesn't take any guff.

Do you see at what I'm getting?

Look, I know you want to be a boy's man,

but I think right now,

you need to be a little bit more of a Michelle.

Oh, I can be a Michelle.

Well, well, well, what do we got here, huh?

So you think you're pretty cool, huh?

Mr. Tough Stuff?

Don't listen to nobody, no how, huh?

Well I got news for you, compadre.

There are rules around here.

Yeah, things that we do called "rules."

Everyone's got to follow... w-w-w-wait!

Now, w-wait, Jasper!

A cigarette?

Give me that.

Where'd this come from?

J-Jasper!

Where these cigarettes coming from?

(laughs)

I found it.

The river always leads to the lake.

Look, I can play your game all day long.

So what's your next move, huh?

'Cause Tandy ain't going nowhere.

Consider us attached to the hip

like a pair of conjoined twinsies.

You know what those are?

They're twins attached by the skin.

Wait, wait, wait, where you going?

(stammers) Jasper!

Jasper! (stammering) Don't leave!

Uh... I'll give you your cigarettes back!

I'll give them back, yeah.

If I give these back to you...

uh, when I give these back to you,

will-will you do something for me?

(chuckles)

Like a puppet on a string.

(laughs)

Well, look who's out and about.

Hey, Melissa.

Oh!

Have you been Jazzercising?

TODD: Oh, no, she just woke from a nap.

Sweating's one of the side effects.

And tarry stools.

(sighs) Look, I'd love to get into that later,

but let me just cut to the Chase Manhattan.

I've noticed you've been spending a lot of time

with Mom lately;

touching shoulders and whatnot.

And I just need to know,

what are your intentions, Mr. Flores?

Uh, Mr. Flores?

Pedro Flores, inventor of the yo-yo?

I'm sorry, Carol, I'm not following.

Do you intend to wrap my mom around your little finger

and toy with her, hmm?

Do a little down-up, down-up,

maybe walk the dog,

go around the world.

And once you've had your fun,

stick her in a drawer

with your Pogs and Tamagotchis.

Carol, Gail and I have been through a lot.

I-I'd never do anything to hurt her.

Good.

Don't ever try anything funny, Todd,

'cause I'll be watching you.

Watching you like a hog.

(snorts)

Evening, everyone.

Oh, hey, Melissa, hey.

(chuckles) You been Jazzercising?

(chuckles) Keep it up, looking trim.

Anyway, a little birdie told me there was a bit of concern

about my parenting skills.

Uh, in light of that,

I just wanted you all to know

that Jasper is dead.

- (gasps) No! - What?

Uh... sorry, metorically, not literally.

Idiot.

Could've been a little more clear about that.

- Yeah. - But, yes,

I, you know, I slaughtered the old Jasper,

I burned his corpse and dumped his ashes in the toilet.

But like the phoenix, Jasper is reborn.

And now,

it gives me the greatest of pleasures

to introduce you to... the new Jasper!

Jasper, what do we do when we enter a room?

(chuckles) What a gentleman.

Have a seat, please.

Jasper, I was just about to ask you what we immediately do

upon sitting at the dinner table,

but looks like you beat me to the punch.

That's right, we put our napkins in our laps.

Good job, Jasper.

Good job.

(imitates explosion)

(laughs)

That's right, explosives, even in fist form,

are only for adults.

I taught him about the dangers of explosives.

- Oh, wow. - Mm-hmm.

GAIL: Wow. I-I got to say,

you do seem to have made some progress with the little one.

Thank you, Gail. Now, Jasper,

what do we say when someone pays us a compliment?

- Aw. - (laughs)

Oh.

Jasper, you're doing so great.

Tandy, what are you passing Jasper?

Uh... (laughs)

A compliment for a job well done.

Oh, no, I think I saw you give him something under the table.

Holy hell, he's giving him cigarettes.

- CAROL: Tandy? - ERICA: Cigarettes?

- TODD: You've got to be kidding me! - What?

Jasper, where'd you get all those cigarettes?

Oh, come on, Tandy, we all know where he got them!

Well, then somebody please tell me

- 'cause I'm in the dark here. - Tandy!

What?! (stammering)

- Hello! - Where'd that come from? What?

Jasper, did you put cigarettes in my shorts pocket?

That's it, Tandy, I really don't think

you should have anything to do with this kid.

But we share a special bond.

Yeah, they're called cigarettes.

But those have nothing to do with it.

Look, he loves me like a point person.

Well, then I think it's time he picks a new point person.

Okay, Jasper.

Now when I say go, you're gonna walk to the person

you want as your point person, okay?

And people who he doesn't go to?

No crying, please.

The system's not rigged.

Okay, you ready?

(whispers): Look at that.

Tandy, no cigarettes.

Nice try, Gail, but you can't just

spring a last-minute rule on me here, right? Right?

No! No.

- Tandy, no. - CAROL: Tandy, no.

Okay, fine, fine.

Okay, Jasper, you ready?

And go!

Jasper! Jasper! Jasp...

Aw, thank you, Jasper.

Okay, round one goes to Erica.

Uh, best of three. Come on, get up.

What?

Okay, so where do we stand?

Uh, Erica has 21,

Melissa got a quick three when Erica went to the bathroom.

Uh, okay, so the tide turns now.

Here we go, best of 49.

No, we're done here.

CAROL: Tandy,

he picked Erica.

(softly): Let it go, bud.

I see. Okay.

And, uh, bud, you sure this is, uh, what you want?

Then so be it, all right? (laughs)

You're going to need these, Erica.

- Oh! - Tandy!

You know, I should've named you Brute,

'cause you stabbed me in the back.

(voice breaking): The back of my heart.

Oh.

Carol, what in high heaven did you tell Todd?

I just told him that if he ever messed with you,

- I'd give him the Pilbasian horns. - Carol!

There are two men left in this earth.

Just two.

You're married to one of them.

So my options are pretty limited.

It's Todd or bust.

So if, in the future, I decide

that I want to get back up on that Todd horse,

then I am gonna get back up on that Todd horse

and I am gonna freakin' ride!

Do you got that?

Okay, I got it.

- Good. - I'm sorry.

You don't know how lucky you are to be married

to that dumb son of a bitch, so count your blessings,

'cause I'm about to go get down and dirty

with a CPR dummy.

That's my day.

(slurping)

Hey, Tandy.

You doing okay?

Oh, yeah, I couldn't be happier.

Do you want to talk about it?

Carol, what if our baby doesn't like me?

Oh, don't be silly.

No, I mean, I've been trying

so hard with Jasper, and he's just not having it.

I'm just worried the same thing's gonna happen

with our kid.

Tandy, our child's gonna love you.

And Jasper's gonna love you, too.

You're a grower, not a shower.

- You think so? - Hey, if it makes you feel better,

someone who said horrible things about you in the past

just paid you a real nice compliment.

- Gail? - No.

- Melissa? - Nope.

- Erica? - Guess again.

- Todd? - Not today.

- Jasper spoke?! - (laughs) What? No.

Carol, that's everyone.

Did you say Gail?

Yes, I did.

Oh, you said that first.

Now I remember.

- Gail said something nice about me? - Mm-hmm.

So you just hold that chin up

and let the world see your beautiful neck.

'Cause our baby needs that.

And so does Jasper.

(chuckles)

Yeah.

Knock-knock.

Hey, Tandy.

I just wanted to come by and say

sorry for being such a sore loser.

Figured it was time to extend the old olive branch,

as they say.

So, here you go.

Okay.

I couldn't find an actual olive branch,

so this is just a regular tree branch

with an assortment of canned olives taped to it.

It sure is.

Well, thank you, I guess.

It's really sweet of you.

I know.

Um, anyway, uh, how's-how's he doing?

Oh, he's good.

We had a lot of fun today.

Really tired him out.

Good.

Well...

Do you want to say good night?

Oh, I mean, I-I don't know.

- I mean, you know, he's sleeping. - Tandy, just go say good night to him.

- Yeah, but I don't want to bug him, he's... - Tandy, just go say good night.

- Really? - Yeah.

Okay.

(chuckles)

Uh, okay.

Maybe just for tonight.

Good night, little guy.

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