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Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
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Well, it's the first
Saturday in September,
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00:00:08,321 --> 00:00:10,706
and that means one thing in Springfield.
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00:00:10,707 --> 00:00:12,708
It's that time again.
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00:00:12,709 --> 00:00:14,894
Opening day of peewee football.
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And everybody's headed
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down to Child Soldier Field
to catch all the action.
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It all comes down to this,
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the first game of the year,
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perfect season on the line.
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And drunks are being
rolled off the field.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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00:00:26,757 --> 00:00:29,058
your Springfield Neutrinos!
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Huh?
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00:00:34,815 --> 00:00:35,848
Where'd everybody go?
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I can't see.
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00:00:36,934 --> 00:00:39,685
They over-fogged the run-in!
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They put those kids in danger
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00:00:41,104 --> 00:00:42,738
just to psych up the crowd.
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Yeah, are you psyched up now?
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00:00:44,191 --> 00:00:45,524
Huh? Are you?!
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00:00:47,828 --> 00:00:49,912
Concussions!
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00:00:49,913 --> 00:00:52,197
Concessions!
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00:00:54,117 --> 00:00:55,585
Aah!
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00:00:57,204 --> 00:00:59,705
My boy hit his head doing football!
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I'm a doctor's wife.
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00:01:01,208 --> 00:01:03,042
Save my boy first!
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00:01:03,043 --> 00:01:05,544
My boy needs an MRI!
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00:01:05,545 --> 00:01:06,545
Ow!
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00:01:06,546 --> 00:01:07,513
- Ow!
- Ow!
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00:01:07,514 --> 00:01:08,764
- Ow! Ow!
- Oh!
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With head injury concerns
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on the mind, the town has shut down
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its peewee football program.
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Professor, what danger does this
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00:01:15,806 --> 00:01:17,690
concussion threat truly pose?
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Uh, well, Kent,
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these children will need their brains
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00:01:20,861 --> 00:01:23,813
unbruised for the
demanding, high-tech jobs
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00:01:23,814 --> 00:01:24,947
of the future:
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00:01:24,948 --> 00:01:28,234
polishing and buffing our robot masters.
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Indeed.
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00:01:29,369 --> 00:01:30,536
And here to defend youth football,
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we have... Nelson's dad.
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Are you wearing makeup?
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00:01:33,824 --> 00:01:35,875
Is it worth the risk
to your son's health
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00:01:35,876 --> 00:01:38,294
when only .1 percent of
youth football players
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00:01:38,295 --> 00:01:39,662
make it to the pros?
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00:01:39,663 --> 00:01:41,580
You saying my boy doesn't
have what it takes
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to play pro ball? Huh?
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Boy, show him your moves.
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Juke it, juke it!
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Why are you dekeing it
when I said juke it?
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Take a lap!
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Without football, Kent,
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how are kids gonna learn
character like I did,
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you stupid fruit-munch?
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And what is your problem, smart-nuts?
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Which brings us to this question:
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00:02:01,685 --> 00:02:02,902
if not football,
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what sport is safe for our children?
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00:02:07,357 --> 00:02:09,825
But there are so many club sports
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00:02:09,826 --> 00:02:11,694
that can eat up all our free time.
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What about baseball?
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00:02:12,863 --> 00:02:14,113
Baseball...
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00:02:14,114 --> 00:02:15,498
Rife with steroids!
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00:02:15,499 --> 00:02:17,033
Then test for steroids!
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00:02:17,034 --> 00:02:19,452
Oh and then there'll be no home runs!
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00:02:19,453 --> 00:02:22,121
Um, I think I-I may have a solution.
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00:02:22,122 --> 00:02:23,172
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
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00:02:23,173 --> 00:02:24,674
What about biathlon?
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00:02:24,675 --> 00:02:27,209
That teaches kids to ski and kill.
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00:02:27,210 --> 00:02:28,427
How about Frisbee-golf?
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00:02:28,428 --> 00:02:30,012
If I could just have your attention...
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00:02:30,013 --> 00:02:32,264
Hey, what about Filipino tooth-fighting?
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00:02:32,265 --> 00:02:35,267
It builds biting, jaw
strength and mouth work.
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00:02:35,268 --> 00:02:37,436
The champion for a long time was a dog.
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00:02:37,437 --> 00:02:39,555
No one is listening to me.
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Well, maybe no one wants to hear
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your ridiculous idea.
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00:02:42,275 --> 00:02:44,393
Let's go, we're late for prenatal yoga.
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Milhouse is ten.
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00:02:45,529 --> 00:02:48,030
Why are we still doing that?
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Poor Kirk.
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No one listens to him.
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Even Luann treats him like garbage.
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Love's funny like that.
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Help him out.
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Make people listen to his idea.
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Oh, why me?
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I only came to this concert
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00:03:00,961 --> 00:03:02,661
because I was told it was a potluck.
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Attention, smothering parents
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who only came to hear themselves talk!
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You're an idiot!
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00:03:15,592 --> 00:03:18,594
This guy has as much right to bore us
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as any of you!
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Take it away, buddy.
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00:03:21,565 --> 00:03:23,649
Buddy, buddy, buddy...
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"Buddy." Huh.
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00:03:25,102 --> 00:03:27,820
Um, I've got an exciting sport
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00:03:27,821 --> 00:03:30,523
that's great exercise
a-and teaches teamwork.
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00:03:30,524 --> 00:03:31,574
Lacrosse.
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00:03:31,575 --> 00:03:33,275
- La-what?
- What-cross?
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00:03:33,276 --> 00:03:34,360
What-what?
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00:03:34,361 --> 00:03:35,327
Lacrosse.
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00:03:35,328 --> 00:03:37,329
It's the perfect combination of
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00:03:37,330 --> 00:03:39,615
America's two least watched sports:
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soccer and hockey.
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Any kid can learn to play lacrosse.
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Even this.
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00:03:48,341 --> 00:03:50,792
This isn't a drive-in movie.
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Everybody,
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feel free to whip stuff
at my son's face.
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Yarr.
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00:04:05,559 --> 00:04:06,892
Now hold on there.
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00:04:06,893 --> 00:04:08,727
Lacrosse has the second
highest concussion rate,
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00:04:08,728 --> 00:04:09,644
right after football.
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00:04:10,981 --> 00:04:13,783
Safer than football!
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00:04:13,784 --> 00:04:15,818
Safer than football!
121
00:04:15,819 --> 00:04:17,870
Hey, why don't we have this fruit-munch
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00:04:17,871 --> 00:04:19,872
teach our kids this crazy sport?
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00:04:19,873 --> 00:04:21,907
Me, coach your kids?
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00:04:21,908 --> 00:04:23,826
Most of you won't even make eye contact
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00:04:23,827 --> 00:04:26,162
when I'm weighing your yogurt.
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00:04:26,163 --> 00:04:27,746
I'll do it.
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00:04:27,747 --> 00:04:29,999
If Homer will coach with me.
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00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,083
Huh?
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00:04:31,084 --> 00:04:32,668
We've come too far together
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00:04:32,669 --> 00:04:34,336
on this crazy ride.
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00:04:34,337 --> 00:04:36,172
It wouldn't feel right
to do it without you...
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buddy.
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00:04:37,307 --> 00:04:39,225
Buddy, buddy, buddy...
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00:04:39,226 --> 00:04:40,341
Mm?
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00:04:42,596 --> 00:04:43,729
Oh, fine,
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00:04:43,730 --> 00:04:45,397
I'll coach with this guy.
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00:04:45,398 --> 00:04:46,982
But I promise you this:
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00:04:46,983 --> 00:04:49,568
I will never stop complaining about it.
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00:04:51,988 --> 00:04:54,190
Stupid sport I never heard of...
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00:04:54,191 --> 00:04:56,859
make me wake up early on a Saturday...
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00:04:56,860 --> 00:04:58,494
probably have to slice oranges...
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00:04:58,495 --> 00:04:59,528
Don't even know the rules
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00:04:59,529 --> 00:05:01,197
because I refuse to learn 'em...
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00:05:01,198 --> 00:05:03,365
my kids will probably suck at it...
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00:05:03,366 --> 00:05:04,617
And I'll have to kneel down
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00:05:04,618 --> 00:05:07,286
on photo day, knees get all wet...
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00:05:07,287 --> 00:05:09,171
despite my bad attitude,
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00:05:09,172 --> 00:05:11,373
I'm thrilled by the nonstop action...
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00:05:11,374 --> 00:05:13,209
kids running towards me
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00:05:13,210 --> 00:05:15,544
with a look of joy I've
never seen before...
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00:05:15,545 --> 00:05:17,096
Dad, we won!
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00:05:17,097 --> 00:05:18,797
It's okay, kids.
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00:05:18,798 --> 00:05:21,300
What matters is you tried your best.
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Have an orange slice.
155
00:05:22,886 --> 00:05:24,436
No, we won!
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00:05:24,437 --> 00:05:26,856
Yes, we're all winners.
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00:05:26,857 --> 00:05:29,775
Because losing teaches valuable lessons.
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00:05:29,776 --> 00:05:31,477
Have an orange slice.
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00:05:31,478 --> 00:05:32,728
We did it, buddy.
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You and I make a great team.
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We won for real!
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For the first time in our lives,
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we can say "Good game"
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00:05:39,452 --> 00:05:41,203
and actually mean it.
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Good game!
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Uh, good game!
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00:05:43,823 --> 00:05:45,901
Ha! That's loser talk!
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Wow, pizza really does
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taste sweeter after you win.
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Dude.
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My kids have never won at anything.
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All the girl does is read
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and the boy's got one of those
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00:06:07,277 --> 00:06:08,778
paying attention diseases
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that isn't really a disease.
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Awesome job, guys!
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How do you know so much about lacrosse?
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Wait. You want to know about me?
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Well, it all goes back
to my college days,
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where I was the star attackman
on our lacrosse team.
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I'd even been drafted
to play in the pros
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for the Milwaukee Zoom.
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After scoring the
championship-winning goal,
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I was on top of the world, man.
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I was high-fiving everybody.
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For the first time in my life,
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no one, and I mean no one,
was leaving me hanging.
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I was slap-happy,
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I couldn't stop myself, until...
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00:06:50,571 --> 00:06:53,439
I highed one five too far.
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00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:59,244
Our school mascot, Sir Gudge-a-lot.
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00:07:01,748 --> 00:07:04,784
My Zoom dream died that day.
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00:07:04,785 --> 00:07:06,202
Mm...
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00:07:08,288 --> 00:07:10,540
Uh... Ah...
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00:07:11,758 --> 00:07:14,293
My wrist healed, but my wrist in here...
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never did.
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00:07:15,762 --> 00:07:18,681
I've never high-fived my own son.
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00:07:18,682 --> 00:07:20,716
The mascot wore a suit of armor?
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00:07:20,717 --> 00:07:21,968
Just like a knight!
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00:07:21,969 --> 00:07:24,520
Yeah, but now lacrosse
has brought us together.
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00:07:24,521 --> 00:07:25,555
Hey, a toast,
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00:07:25,556 --> 00:07:26,856
to new friendship!
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00:07:26,857 --> 00:07:29,609
Could I get a roll of
toilet paper, please?
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00:07:29,610 --> 00:07:31,810
I get nosebleeds when I drink.
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00:07:32,980 --> 00:07:34,981
To... new...
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friendship.
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00:07:37,534 --> 00:07:39,235
Mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
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00:07:41,955 --> 00:07:43,322
- Dad! Dad!
- Dad! Dad!
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00:07:43,323 --> 00:07:44,540
Dad, wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
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00:07:50,998 --> 00:07:51,998
Oof!
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00:07:54,334 --> 00:07:56,502
It's 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday.
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00:07:56,503 --> 00:07:58,838
We have a weekend lacrosse tournament!
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00:07:58,839 --> 00:08:00,339
There's Coach K!
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00:08:00,340 --> 00:08:01,173
Come on, come on, come on!
215
00:08:08,515 --> 00:08:10,149
Come on, Dad!
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00:08:11,685 --> 00:08:15,321
Check out the travel van, brah!
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00:08:15,322 --> 00:08:17,023
Two days, ten games,
218
00:08:17,024 --> 00:08:20,243
700 miles and one sweet mixtape.
219
00:08:20,244 --> 00:08:22,778
I hope you like Big Bad Voodoo Daddy,
220
00:08:22,779 --> 00:08:25,448
'cause this van's about to swing.
221
00:08:31,922 --> 00:08:33,122
Uh...
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00:08:33,123 --> 00:08:34,624
I'm pretty sure a mixtape
223
00:08:34,625 --> 00:08:36,042
isn't just the same song
224
00:08:36,043 --> 00:08:37,710
over and over again.
225
00:08:37,711 --> 00:08:40,546
No, no, dude, they're
different live versions.
226
00:08:40,547 --> 00:08:43,599
You can tell because some are longer.
227
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,635
Hey, you want a hit off my vape pen?
228
00:08:45,636 --> 00:08:47,353
It tastes like passionfruit
229
00:08:47,354 --> 00:08:49,138
and people think you're a smoker.
230
00:08:49,139 --> 00:08:50,723
Why would I want that?
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00:08:50,724 --> 00:08:51,891
Don't worry,
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00:08:51,892 --> 00:08:53,359
Marge isn't here.
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00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:54,777
Oh, speaking of which,
234
00:08:54,778 --> 00:08:56,729
where is the craziest place
235
00:08:56,730 --> 00:08:58,531
you two have ever done it?
236
00:08:58,532 --> 00:09:00,733
- What?
- Let's both say it at the same time.
237
00:09:00,734 --> 00:09:01,951
One... two...
238
00:09:01,952 --> 00:09:03,619
- Don't!
- Chipotle!
239
00:09:03,620 --> 00:09:05,404
There are kids back there!
240
00:09:05,405 --> 00:09:07,073
Oh, they can't hear us.
241
00:09:07,074 --> 00:09:09,959
I got 'em watching classic
lacrosse matches.
242
00:09:11,245 --> 00:09:12,795
Textbook ankle-breaker
243
00:09:12,796 --> 00:09:13,913
by Gary Gait!
244
00:09:13,914 --> 00:09:16,749
And Paul Gait with the dip and dunk!
245
00:09:16,750 --> 00:09:18,718
Everyone be sure to fuel up
246
00:09:18,719 --> 00:09:20,135
with a rice sandwich.
247
00:09:24,424 --> 00:09:26,392
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
248
00:09:26,393 --> 00:09:28,094
Rice in a sandwich?
249
00:09:28,095 --> 00:09:29,645
That's mush-on-mush.
250
00:09:29,646 --> 00:09:32,348
Doesn't this dweeb know
kids need bologna to win?
251
00:09:32,349 --> 00:09:35,101
Those sandwiches had so many carbs!
252
00:09:35,102 --> 00:09:36,686
I've never played harder!
253
00:09:36,687 --> 00:09:38,321
Rice power!
254
00:09:39,906 --> 00:09:42,074
Uter, watch those alligator arms!
255
00:09:42,075 --> 00:09:43,442
Hug the pipe, Sherri!
256
00:09:43,443 --> 00:09:45,493
Milhouse, gobble and goose!
257
00:09:50,083 --> 00:09:53,201
Bart Simpson with the Canadian egg roll!
258
00:09:58,875 --> 00:10:01,177
We won every game.
259
00:10:01,178 --> 00:10:04,297
Kirk is like a sports
genius who everyone hates.
260
00:10:04,298 --> 00:10:05,965
Worse than Jim Harbaugh?
261
00:10:05,966 --> 00:10:07,883
Well, not that bad.
262
00:10:07,884 --> 00:10:10,386
I know Kirk's a bit of a dizzy duck,
263
00:10:10,387 --> 00:10:13,139
but remember, you're
doing this for the kids.
264
00:10:13,140 --> 00:10:14,440
Right, right. The kids.
265
00:10:14,441 --> 00:10:15,891
Everything for the kids.
266
00:10:15,892 --> 00:10:17,059
Oh, God, he's coming!
267
00:10:17,060 --> 00:10:17,976
Hide, Marge.
268
00:10:20,731 --> 00:10:21,781
Oh, good call, buddy.
269
00:10:21,782 --> 00:10:22,982
Disco nap.
270
00:10:22,983 --> 00:10:24,567
We got to power up for tonight.
271
00:10:24,568 --> 00:10:25,868
Tonight?
272
00:10:25,869 --> 00:10:28,154
Which gentlemen's club
should we hit first,
273
00:10:28,155 --> 00:10:30,539
Skin City or the Tassel Castle?
274
00:10:30,540 --> 00:10:31,657
Gentlemen's...
275
00:10:31,658 --> 00:10:33,125
you mean a strip club?
276
00:10:33,126 --> 00:10:35,328
Yeah, Wiggles has great dancers,
277
00:10:35,329 --> 00:10:36,962
but they're kind of stuck up,
278
00:10:36,963 --> 00:10:39,715
if you believe Lap-Aficionado.com.
279
00:10:39,716 --> 00:10:41,384
Which, uh... I do.
280
00:10:41,385 --> 00:10:43,302
Why would I want to go to a strip club?
281
00:10:43,303 --> 00:10:45,171
I'm married to a naked lady.
282
00:10:45,172 --> 00:10:48,674
Drive time to Sapphire
Diamond is only 39 minutes.
283
00:10:48,675 --> 00:10:50,893
That's the fastest it's been all day.
284
00:10:50,894 --> 00:10:52,561
Hey, wa... 38 minutes!
285
00:10:52,562 --> 00:10:54,847
Listen, Kirk, I'm a lot
of kind of guys...
286
00:10:54,848 --> 00:10:56,432
A booze guy,
287
00:10:56,433 --> 00:10:58,434
a don't-know-my-kids'- birthdays guy,
288
00:10:58,435 --> 00:11:00,853
a steal-the-blow-dryer-
from-the-motel guy,
289
00:11:00,854 --> 00:11:03,856
but I am not a strip club guy.
290
00:11:03,857 --> 00:11:06,609
You do want to hang with
me, don't you, buddy?
291
00:11:07,661 --> 00:11:09,195
I can't do it.
292
00:11:09,196 --> 00:11:10,780
I can't pretend to be this guy's friend
293
00:11:10,781 --> 00:11:12,081
for one more second.
294
00:11:12,082 --> 00:11:14,450
I scored three goals today!
295
00:11:14,451 --> 00:11:17,002
I'm a jock. A jock!
296
00:11:17,003 --> 00:11:19,672
I didn't spit on my hand for
the post-game handshake.
297
00:11:19,673 --> 00:11:21,624
Hey, pal, I don't like Kirk either,
298
00:11:21,625 --> 00:11:25,094
but look how much fun the
kids' heads are having.
299
00:11:26,930 --> 00:11:29,465
Of course I want to
hang with you, buddy.
300
00:11:29,466 --> 00:11:32,518
But, you know, I'm pretty tired
from all those YouTube videos
301
00:11:32,519 --> 00:11:34,603
you showed me about whiskey making.
302
00:11:34,604 --> 00:11:36,389
It gets its color from the barrel.
303
00:11:36,390 --> 00:11:38,140
I know, the barrel.
304
00:11:38,141 --> 00:11:40,059
Let's just get some sleep.
305
00:11:40,060 --> 00:11:42,194
Well, all right.
306
00:11:42,195 --> 00:11:45,564
Next time we can just rage
twice as hard, I guess.
307
00:11:48,902 --> 00:11:50,369
What the hell is that?
308
00:11:50,370 --> 00:11:53,289
I can't sleep without
my white noise machine.
309
00:11:53,290 --> 00:11:55,156
Womb setting.
310
00:12:13,176 --> 00:12:14,927
Mom, we swept the tourney!
311
00:12:14,928 --> 00:12:16,312
We're playing in the championship
312
00:12:16,313 --> 00:12:19,181
against Capital City!
313
00:12:20,267 --> 00:12:21,434
Mwah!
314
00:12:21,435 --> 00:12:22,935
How does it feel to be
the assistant coach
315
00:12:22,936 --> 00:12:24,687
of a winning team?
316
00:12:24,688 --> 00:12:27,273
I'm going for a walk.
317
00:12:30,527 --> 00:12:32,745
Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.
318
00:12:32,746 --> 00:12:34,113
Well, you know what they say,
319
00:12:34,114 --> 00:12:35,915
behind every successful man
320
00:12:35,916 --> 00:12:39,285
is his assistant coach.
321
00:12:39,286 --> 00:12:42,288
♪ How can a wife understand ♪
322
00:12:42,289 --> 00:12:44,874
♪ What it feels like to
finally meet a man? ♪
323
00:12:44,875 --> 00:12:48,210
♪ The strongest bond a
dude could ever know ♪
324
00:12:48,211 --> 00:12:49,962
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
325
00:12:49,963 --> 00:12:52,598
♪ A guy to catch a game with ♪
326
00:12:52,599 --> 00:12:55,384
♪ A pal you don't feel lame with ♪
327
00:12:55,385 --> 00:12:59,605
♪ Life began the day I found my bro ♪
328
00:12:59,606 --> 00:13:02,942
♪ I'm just a normal boozer ♪
329
00:13:02,943 --> 00:13:05,644
♪ Stuck with this lame loser ♪
330
00:13:05,645 --> 00:13:08,981
♪ A dweeb that somehow
thinks that I'm his bro ♪
331
00:13:08,982 --> 00:13:10,449
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
332
00:13:10,450 --> 00:13:13,319
♪ His eyes are small and beady ♪
333
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,654
♪ Staring, oh, so needy ♪
334
00:13:15,655 --> 00:13:21,243
♪ How I despise him he will never know ♪
335
00:13:21,244 --> 00:13:24,497
♪ So much cool stuff
we can do as a pair ♪
336
00:13:24,498 --> 00:13:26,415
♪ Everything about him is annoying ♪
337
00:13:26,416 --> 00:13:29,385
♪ Dress as minstrels at
the renaissance fair ♪
338
00:13:29,386 --> 00:13:31,470
♪ He smells like fish oil pills ♪
339
00:13:31,471 --> 00:13:34,507
♪ Foosball Fridays in my man cave ♪
340
00:13:34,508 --> 00:13:36,342
♪ That waitress was not into you ♪
341
00:13:36,343 --> 00:13:39,094
♪ Designing the world's best ♪
342
00:13:39,095 --> 00:13:41,230
♪ Blues Brothers fan page ♪
343
00:13:41,231 --> 00:13:43,649
♪ He wants us to co-host an
Oscar party, what the hell? ♪
344
00:13:43,650 --> 00:13:46,652
♪ I hate everything about him ♪
345
00:13:46,653 --> 00:13:49,321
♪ This clingy fat-nosed jerk ♪
346
00:13:49,322 --> 00:13:50,940
- ♪ I'm glad he can't ♪
- ♪ Wish he could ♪
347
00:13:50,941 --> 00:13:52,491
♪ Hear me sing ♪
348
00:13:52,492 --> 00:13:54,193
♪ About this sweaty ♪
349
00:13:54,194 --> 00:13:55,528
- ♪ Awesome ♪
- ♪ Fish oil ♪
350
00:13:55,529 --> 00:13:56,862
- ♪ Awesome ♪
- ♪ I was only pretending ♪
351
00:13:56,863 --> 00:14:00,783
♪ To like that stupid dork named... ♪
352
00:14:00,784 --> 00:14:03,252
Oh, hi, Kirk.
353
00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:12,367
Springfield, the city
354
00:14:12,368 --> 00:14:14,920
that lives and dies by youth lacrosse,
355
00:14:14,921 --> 00:14:17,591
a sport we first learned
about five weeks ago.
356
00:14:17,592 --> 00:14:19,561
And with just two hours
left until face off
357
00:14:19,562 --> 00:14:21,884
against Capital City,
the countdown clock
358
00:14:21,885 --> 00:14:22,813
is ticking away.
359
00:14:22,814 --> 00:14:25,966
As always, laying out all the
information you need to know,
360
00:14:25,967 --> 00:14:28,468
this is WXPO "The Pipe."
361
00:14:32,474 --> 00:14:35,644
And now the man responsible
for this miracle on grass,
362
00:14:35,645 --> 00:14:38,014
the "Priest of the Crease,"
"The Riceman Cometh,"
363
00:14:38,015 --> 00:14:39,777
Coach K!
364
00:14:43,823 --> 00:14:45,658
Hmm, it's not like Kirk
365
00:14:45,659 --> 00:14:48,110
to miss such an important
pre-game rally.
366
00:14:48,111 --> 00:14:50,829
Yeah, well, better get
slicing on these oranges.
367
00:14:50,830 --> 00:14:52,331
Where is that coach?
368
00:14:52,332 --> 00:14:54,033
If we lose this game,
369
00:14:54,034 --> 00:14:55,834
I have to give the mayor of Capital City
370
00:14:55,835 --> 00:14:58,370
a crate of Springfield apricots.
371
00:14:58,371 --> 00:15:00,539
We grow no apricots!
372
00:15:00,540 --> 00:15:01,790
Kirk is missing.
373
00:15:01,791 --> 00:15:03,459
I haven't seen him since he left home
374
00:15:03,460 --> 00:15:05,794
happily singing about his
friendship with you.
375
00:15:07,347 --> 00:15:09,296
Dad, what do you know?
376
00:15:09,297 --> 00:15:10,446
What? Nothing!
377
00:15:10,447 --> 00:15:13,449
I don't... oh, oh...
378
00:15:13,450 --> 00:15:14,783
All right.
379
00:15:14,784 --> 00:15:18,287
The truth is, your
husband and your father
380
00:15:18,288 --> 00:15:20,372
is a soul-sucking loser who found out
381
00:15:20,373 --> 00:15:24,126
I was only pretending to be his
friend for the sake of the team.
382
00:15:24,127 --> 00:15:26,762
But, but why did he empty
out our bank account,
383
00:15:26,763 --> 00:15:28,630
and all in one-dollar bills?
384
00:15:28,631 --> 00:15:30,015
Oh, no.
385
00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:31,967
There's only one thing
a man like Kirk wants
386
00:15:31,968 --> 00:15:33,602
with that many singles.
387
00:15:33,603 --> 00:15:35,637
To hand out to the poor?
388
00:15:35,638 --> 00:15:36,688
Worse.
389
00:15:36,689 --> 00:15:38,356
To bring to a strip club.
390
00:15:39,559 --> 00:15:40,642
I'll go get him.
391
00:15:40,643 --> 00:15:42,694
I'll also get him. No, me! Me!
392
00:15:42,695 --> 00:15:43,979
I just need to go home and put on
393
00:15:43,980 --> 00:15:45,731
my special sweat pants.
394
00:15:45,732 --> 00:15:49,034
No, it's my husband's fault
that Kirk has run off
395
00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:52,404
to that jiggle joint and
only he can get him out.
396
00:15:52,405 --> 00:15:53,622
Me?
397
00:15:53,623 --> 00:15:55,991
But those places are filled with creeps.
398
00:15:55,992 --> 00:15:58,160
Plus, all the chairs face the stage.
399
00:15:58,161 --> 00:15:59,545
What if I want to have a conversation
400
00:15:59,546 --> 00:16:01,130
with another patron?
401
00:16:01,131 --> 00:16:02,664
Come on, Dad, you've got to do it!
402
00:16:02,665 --> 00:16:05,083
Without Coach K, we can't
play in the championship!
403
00:16:05,084 --> 00:16:07,136
Look at the countdown clock.
404
00:16:07,137 --> 00:16:09,471
Countdown clock brought
to you by Ray's Steaks:
405
00:16:09,472 --> 00:16:11,423
When you want to raise some stakes,
406
00:16:11,424 --> 00:16:13,642
head over to Ray's... Steaks.
407
00:16:13,643 --> 00:16:17,012
Save Coach K! Save Coach K!
408
00:16:17,013 --> 00:16:19,181
Save Coach K!
409
00:16:19,182 --> 00:16:22,234
Save Coach K! Save Coach K!
410
00:16:22,235 --> 00:16:24,319
As your wife, I'm begging you,
411
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:28,524
if you ever loved me,
go to that strip club.
412
00:16:48,878 --> 00:16:50,294
Oh, guys.
413
00:16:57,687 --> 00:16:59,555
Okay.
414
00:16:59,556 --> 00:17:02,140
All I got to do is go
in, get the pervert,
415
00:17:02,141 --> 00:17:04,393
and bring him back to a
park full of children.
416
00:17:04,394 --> 00:17:06,195
Hey, I'm looking for my friend.
417
00:17:06,196 --> 00:17:09,147
Bald middle-aged guy, sad
paunch, given up on life.
418
00:17:09,148 --> 00:17:10,616
It's 10:00 in the morning.
419
00:17:10,617 --> 00:17:11,900
Take your pick.
420
00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:14,902
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, man.
421
00:17:16,623 --> 00:17:18,240
Hello.
422
00:17:18,241 --> 00:17:20,576
Uh, no, thank you. Hey there, big guy.
423
00:17:20,577 --> 00:17:21,960
No, thank you.
424
00:17:21,961 --> 00:17:24,580
Happily married man with
no cash coming through.
425
00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:27,332
Made it.
426
00:17:27,333 --> 00:17:29,084
Nothing in this place can tempt me.
427
00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,421
Oh, baby, yes.
428
00:17:32,422 --> 00:17:34,640
Those legs go on forever.
429
00:17:36,309 --> 00:17:38,093
Where are they?
430
00:17:38,094 --> 00:17:40,345
Maybe we shouldn't have
sent Homer Simpson
431
00:17:40,346 --> 00:17:41,513
into that den of sin.
432
00:17:42,515 --> 00:17:44,399
My husband's a good man.
433
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:45,767
He can do this.
434
00:17:46,986 --> 00:17:49,655
Oh, worst food I've ever had.
435
00:17:49,656 --> 00:17:51,106
So much...
436
00:17:51,107 --> 00:17:53,025
Is that guy still in the champagne room?
437
00:17:53,026 --> 00:17:54,943
He hasn't slept in days.
438
00:17:54,944 --> 00:17:57,663
He brought a cooler of rice sandwiches.
439
00:17:57,664 --> 00:17:59,581
He says they give him energy.
440
00:17:59,582 --> 00:18:03,285
Wait, who do I know that
likes rice sandwiches?
441
00:18:03,286 --> 00:18:07,589
Bart's friend's dad!
442
00:18:07,590 --> 00:18:09,424
So anyway, they can't call it bourbon
443
00:18:09,425 --> 00:18:11,376
unless it's from Kentucky.
444
00:18:11,377 --> 00:18:14,846
It's the American bourbon... He's
not a loser paying for lap dances;
445
00:18:14,847 --> 00:18:17,466
he's a loser paying for listening.
446
00:18:17,467 --> 00:18:19,551
Kirk, we've got to go.
447
00:18:19,552 --> 00:18:21,637
The big game is about to start.
448
00:18:21,638 --> 00:18:23,689
Come on... buddy?
449
00:18:23,690 --> 00:18:26,024
Oh, now I'm your buddy again, huh?
450
00:18:26,025 --> 00:18:27,976
Well, guess what, buddy.
451
00:18:27,977 --> 00:18:31,313
Carmeleena and Bodacious
are my true friends.
452
00:18:31,314 --> 00:18:33,982
Nothing, nothing that we had was real.
453
00:18:33,983 --> 00:18:36,234
Well, it was all fake.
454
00:18:36,235 --> 00:18:39,288
But, damn it, somehow you turned
our fat, lazy, loser kids
455
00:18:39,289 --> 00:18:40,656
into winners.
456
00:18:40,657 --> 00:18:43,158
Kirk Van Houten, I don't like you.
457
00:18:43,159 --> 00:18:45,911
But I respect you.
458
00:18:45,912 --> 00:18:47,212
Respect?
459
00:18:47,213 --> 00:18:48,630
That's the one thing you can't buy
460
00:18:48,631 --> 00:18:50,382
in a place like this.
461
00:18:51,668 --> 00:18:54,553
I've got to get to that game!
462
00:18:54,554 --> 00:18:57,589
Hey, that's a great realization
you had there, pally.
463
00:18:57,590 --> 00:18:59,391
Now if we could just settle this up, eh?
464
00:18:59,392 --> 00:19:01,510
$15,000?
465
00:19:01,511 --> 00:19:05,764
12 lap-dances an hour, times
three girls, times 56 hours,
466
00:19:05,765 --> 00:19:08,350
pole tax, glitter recycling fee.
467
00:19:08,351 --> 00:19:09,768
It's quite a ride.
468
00:19:10,937 --> 00:19:12,187
Run!
469
00:19:17,193 --> 00:19:18,910
DJs!
470
00:19:18,911 --> 00:19:19,945
Uh-oh,
471
00:19:19,946 --> 00:19:21,078
Japanese businessmen!
472
00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:25,283
ATM with giant service fee!
473
00:19:25,284 --> 00:19:28,537
Aw, we'll never make it to the game.
474
00:19:28,538 --> 00:19:31,623
Our kids were depending on
us and we let them down.
475
00:19:31,624 --> 00:19:33,875
You let them down. You.
476
00:19:33,876 --> 00:19:35,260
Did you say kids?
477
00:19:35,261 --> 00:19:37,045
We all have kids.
478
00:19:37,046 --> 00:19:39,047
We'd do anything for 'em.
479
00:19:40,933 --> 00:19:45,103
Come on, working moms, let's
get these dads to that game.
480
00:19:45,104 --> 00:19:46,888
I'm sorry, kids, but your
coaches aren't here.
481
00:19:46,889 --> 00:19:48,357
You're going to have to forfeit.
482
00:19:48,358 --> 00:19:51,443
And now to blow this whistle
and make it official.
483
00:19:53,696 --> 00:19:55,280
It's the Strip-a-copter!
484
00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:57,898
I mean, it's a helicopter
I've never rented before.
485
00:20:01,204 --> 00:20:02,988
Helmet up, kids.
486
00:20:02,989 --> 00:20:05,824
Let's win ourselves a championship.
487
00:20:05,825 --> 00:20:09,044
Who wants orange slices?
488
00:20:10,546 --> 00:20:11,829
Yay!
489
00:20:13,583 --> 00:20:16,668
No matter how bad our kids screw
up the rest of their lives,
490
00:20:16,669 --> 00:20:19,004
they'll always have this moment.
491
00:20:19,005 --> 00:20:21,506
Buddy, you deserve this.
492
00:20:24,227 --> 00:20:26,011
Just because we're in traction
493
00:20:26,012 --> 00:20:28,847
doesn't mean this hospital
room can't swing.
494
00:20:41,199 --> 00:20:45,089
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
495
00:20:49,428 --> 00:20:51,946
Hey, guys, I know all
you "Crushin' It" fans
496
00:20:51,947 --> 00:20:54,720
are super pumped for
my latest Crush video.
497
00:20:54,721 --> 00:20:56,805
Sorry, no contest winner this week.
498
00:20:56,806 --> 00:20:58,640
Remember, to qualify,
499
00:20:58,641 --> 00:21:01,510
you have to be a subscriber
and leave a comment.
500
00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:04,430
Now, the secret to the
ultimate rice sammy
501
00:21:04,431 --> 00:21:08,100
is to make sure the rice is
really wet, li-like soaking.
502
00:21:11,988 --> 00:21:14,823
So after going in to
find it a third time,
503
00:21:14,824 --> 00:21:18,027
they just decided to leave the
colonoscopy camera inside...
504
00:21:19,029 --> 00:21:20,329
Five words...
505
00:21:20,330 --> 00:21:23,412
jet fuel can't melt steel.
506
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,534
When I held the door for that guy
507
00:21:25,535 --> 00:21:28,646
and he didn't even say
thank you, I just lost it!
508
00:21:29,456 --> 00:21:32,791
Oh, man, Milwaukee
would've been so sweet.
509
00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:35,418
The Zoom were the kings of that town!
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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