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1
00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:11,303
Man, that was a good improv.
I'm so glad I asked for notes.
2
00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:17,976
I think my favorite animal to look at
is probably the squirrel.
3
00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:18,894
Yeah!
4
00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:22,648
You know what I mean? 'Cause any squirrel,
if you watch 'em long enough,
5
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:26,151
there's a moment where they suddenly
realize they're late for something.
6
00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:29,279
"Shit! I gotta go. Excuse me. What?"
7
00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:35,160
That's a whole species
that's behind schedule.
8
00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:38,330
They're terrible
at keeping their calendar.
9
00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:41,917
Probably the most flammable of the small
animals would be the squirrel as well.
10
00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:44,503
The tail. I mean, it's a...
11
00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:47,297
All right, that worked pretty well.
12
00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:49,633
It's a good room.
13
00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:51,385
Got my water.
14
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:53,637
Mic stand feels good.
15
00:00:54,263 --> 00:00:55,097
Solid.
16
00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:58,976
Looks like I've got enough fake fog.
That's important.
17
00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:02,479
Maybe show my name.
Okay.
18
00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:04,398
Anything else?
19
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,066
Title?
20
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:08,277
Yeah.
21
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:11,029
All right. This should be fun.
22
00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:13,490
What was I gonna say?
23
00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:15,117
Oh, yeah.
24
00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:18,537
I've noticed that you can carry around
a plastic bag with shit in it.
25
00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:19,871
Um...
26
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,874
if you're near a dog,
you can have a bag of shit.
27
00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:28,797
As long as you're with a dog, it's like,
"He's got a bag of shit." That's fine.
28
00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:34,052
If you don't have a dog,
then we have a problem. You can't just...
29
00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:38,890
Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa.
30
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:42,686
You gotta be holding that for a friend.
You can't just have shit.
31
00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:47,941
How weird is that
from the dog's perspective? I mean...
32
00:01:48,984 --> 00:01:50,694
Pick it up and collect it.
You know what I mean?
33
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:53,989
They must be kind of just like, "No!
34
00:01:55,532 --> 00:01:57,826
Leave that. You don't want that. Just...
35
00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:05,167
What is he doing? This fucking psycho
is collecting my shit."
36
00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:13,133
We probably seem the craziest
of all the animals.
37
00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:15,677
From their perspective,
when they look at our behavior.
38
00:02:15,761 --> 00:02:16,928
You know what I mean? 'Cause...
39
00:02:17,012 --> 00:02:19,181
If we show up places we don't belong...
40
00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:22,059
I don't feel like any other animal
really does that,
41
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,519
but we do that, you know?
Like scuba diving.
42
00:02:27,397 --> 00:02:30,692
I'm sure fish swim by and they're like,
"What the fuck are you doing here?
43
00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:34,363
Look at yourself." And we're like...
44
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:41,036
"Those are not your feet.
Get the hell out of here. Come on.
45
00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:45,290
You've got all the land. Really?
I mean..."
46
00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:51,505
Skydiving. I'm sure birds are like,
"That one's gonna die. Did you see that?"
47
00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:54,216
"Wow. That was dumb."
48
00:02:57,094 --> 00:03:00,222
I mean, bird watching, that's gotta
be creepy for birds. I mean...
49
00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:04,142
What are we doing?
These birds are hanging out.
50
00:03:04,226 --> 00:03:07,229
We ignore them most of the time.
Suddenly some fat couple from Ohio
51
00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:08,647
is just obsessed with a bird.
52
00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:10,607
The bird's like...
53
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:11,691
"What?
54
00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:14,027
Me?
55
00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:16,988
Are you happy? Piss off. What do you want?
56
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,785
Should I shit on him?"
"Yeah. If you have some, get over there."
57
00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:29,543
I wouldn't be surprised if the birdbath
was invented by some sort of bird pervert.
58
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:30,502
I mean...
59
00:03:32,504 --> 00:03:34,297
Some guy's in his kitchen
looking out there,
60
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:36,550
"Oh, yeah, splash around in there, birds.
61
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:41,388
That's it. Some naked birds
bathing together for my entertainment.
62
00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:43,056
That's it. Oh, yeah.
63
00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,100
Wash up, bird."
64
00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:50,439
It's just disgusting, man.
It's like an open-top Turkish bath.
65
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:52,774
I mean, there's no privacy for the birds.
66
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:56,570
Some people own birds. That's...
67
00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:58,447
That's a power move, I'll tell you that.
68
00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:03,702
You know what I mean, like,
"Hey, there's something that can fly.
69
00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,203
I'm gonna change that.
70
00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:10,417
I think I'll put that in my kitchen,
yeah."
71
00:04:11,793 --> 00:04:14,337
Just like low-grade villain behavior.
72
00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:18,925
"My own personal prisoner in my kitchen
in a cage. There we go."
73
00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,972
I think my favorite holiday is Halloween.
74
00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:25,640
It's my favorite, yeah.
75
00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:28,268
That's a good holiday
76
00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:31,021
because you don't
have to celebrate that with your family.
77
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,109
You never hear,
"What are you doing for Halloween?"
78
00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:39,154
"I gotta fly back East
and go trick-or-treating with my parents."
79
00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:43,158
"That sucks." "They got a divorce.
80
00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:45,368
I gotta bring two different costumes
this year."
81
00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:51,458
I like reading. I'm a big reader. I, uh...
82
00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:54,002
I feel like I just end up reading
everything. I don't know.
83
00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:56,671
Like the other day, I was in my kitchen,
84
00:04:56,755 --> 00:04:59,299
I opened a drawer
and I pulled out the Reynolds Wrap,
85
00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:01,468
and ended up reading the box
of Reynolds Wrap.
86
00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:04,763
It said, "Reynolds Wrap,
trusted since 1947."
87
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,557
I thought,
"Oh, that's interesting. Trusted.
88
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:10,101
What an interesting word to use that is."
89
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:14,523
It implies some sort of dark past
for Reynolds.
90
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:20,153
"Trusted since '47. Founded in '37."
91
00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:26,701
First ten years, some shady shit
going on with Reynolds.
92
00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,412
You couldn't trust them, I guess.
93
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,540
"Did you get tinfoil?"
"Yeah." "Open the box."
94
00:05:31,623 --> 00:05:33,750
"Shit. There's just pebbles in here.
This is..."
95
00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:36,294
"Foiled!"
96
00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:41,258
A-ha!
97
00:05:44,970 --> 00:05:47,764
I read everything.
I was reading a beach ball last summer
98
00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:49,224
at a pool party.
99
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:51,643
I guess I was having a great time
at the party and...
100
00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:54,771
I'm sitting there, reading a beach ball.
101
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:58,900
It says on the ball, "Warning:
This is not a life-saving device."
102
00:05:59,818 --> 00:06:02,028
I'm like, "Okay,
there's definitely a story here."
103
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:06,700
Some guy's drowning, "Get the beach ball!"
104
00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:08,702
Just pelt the guy with the beach ball.
105
00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:13,665
"I appreciate the effort, I'm having fun,
but I'm dying here, you see?
106
00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:17,961
I need the donut of this.
This is the donut hole of what I need.
107
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:22,257
I need the donut,
so I can live, okay? Thank you."
108
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:26,303
Donut hole
is the most disgusting-sounding thing
109
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,596
that tastes the best to me.
110
00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:32,684
I put a ladyfinger in a donut hole
and it's totally fine.
111
00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:38,648
Donut hole is interesting
112
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:42,402
'cause it's the thing we call
as a donut hole
113
00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:44,029
that we took out of the donut.
114
00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:49,242
And then the hole itself that was left,
115
00:06:49,326 --> 00:06:53,121
the absence of a donut hole
is the donut hole.
116
00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:59,377
So it's kind of a paradox. It's like it is
and not is at the same time.
117
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,714
That's impossible, the donut hole.
It's kind of...
118
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,469
I like cupcakes. That's a great dessert.
119
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:10,347
Kind of awkward to eat a cupcake, though.
Know what I mean?
120
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:13,850
One of the only desserts you have to peel
the underwear off if you want to eat it.
121
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:14,768
You have to...
122
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:19,981
undress the cupcake,
and it's kind of a swamp-ass under there.
123
00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:23,485
"Am I gonna eat
this sweaty-ass dessert here?
124
00:07:23,568 --> 00:07:24,402
Is this for me?
125
00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:29,866
Yes, I am.
I'm gonna eat this swamp-ass pastry."
126
00:07:30,492 --> 00:07:32,369
I'm gonna have a cupcake after the show.
127
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,120
Definitely.
128
00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:36,831
I have a book idea.
I wanna write an autobiography
129
00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:38,249
that turns into a biography.
130
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,543
I've never seen a book
like that before, so...
131
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:44,089
Yeah, so the first three or four chapters
would be about, like, my childhood.
132
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:46,967
And then, like, in chapter four,
133
00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:49,761
I would just casually mention
Benjamin Franklin.
134
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:54,265
I'd say something like,
"Speaking of Franklin..."
135
00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:56,810
Then the whole rest of the book
is about Benjamin Franklin's life.
136
00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:03,942
You get to the end and you're like,
"That freaking nerd
137
00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:06,319
tricked me into learning
about Benjamin Franklin.
138
00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:09,781
Damn it."
139
00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:14,536
When people don't sleep well,
they say they tossed and turned.
140
00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:17,330
And, um, I've definitely had rough nights
where I...
141
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:19,290
I turn a lot in my sleep,
know what I mean?
142
00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:22,335
But I've never slept so poorly
that I ended up like,
143
00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:25,672
lightly throwing things around the room.
144
00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:31,386
It's 4:00 in the morning, and I'm like,
"Oh, shit. I'm tossing. Stop it.
145
00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:35,640
The hell am I doing? Go to sleep, man.
Stop it. You're tossing. Stop it."
146
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,352
You wake up the next day
and there's crap everywhere.
147
00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:42,397
I'm like, "Oh, my God.
I slept very poorly.
148
00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:46,026
And why do I own so many beanbags?
149
00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:48,361
This is making it worse."
150
00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:53,992
I was driving when I saw a guy,
he was driving a convertible
151
00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:55,994
and he was wearing a hoodie.
152
00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:59,247
It's like, wow,
this guy loves convertibles.
153
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,207
He's got two of them on.
154
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:08,465
He's got a little personal convertible
inside the big one.
155
00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:15,722
I think it'd be cool when you have a baby
to put the baby's bottle in a paper bag,
156
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,057
like a discreet little...
157
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:22,812
paper bag, you know.
Babies just drinking all the time anyway.
158
00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:25,982
Plus when they try to walk,
they look kind of like...
159
00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:35,116
The baby has a dirty suit on,
which I didn't mention,
160
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,994
so it's kind of like a little wino
with a little bit of scruff.
161
00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:42,665
I was thinking recently that "rapper"
162
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:46,169
is kind of a weird job title for someone,
163
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:49,047
to call them a rapper.
You know what I mean? Using that word.
164
00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,965
'Cause it sounds like a word
we already have
165
00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:53,093
like a, you know, candy wrapper
or something.
166
00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:56,012
I know it's spelled differently
but, you know, sounds the same.
167
00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:58,890
Then I realized,
well, the alternative is "rappist."
168
00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:00,767
So...
169
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,895
Yeah, I think "rapper"
was the right choice.
170
00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:12,821
The other day I was thinking,
171
00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:15,490
it's where I was thinking,
I tend to overthink things.
172
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:19,285
And then I thought,
"Do I, though? I mean..."
173
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:24,332
Maybe I do. I don't know.
174
00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:28,795
It's hard to say how much thinking
counts as overthinking.
175
00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:31,798
What's the threshold?
176
00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:34,968
You never really get a sense of
how much any one person thinks.
177
00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:36,094
But...
178
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:41,015
Yeah, I guess right now
I'm technically overthinking.
179
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:42,767
Seems appropriate because...
180
00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:47,856
You know, this is the middle of a joke
about overthinking.
181
00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:48,815
So...
182
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:52,569
But I think back to my own childhood
and I can think of times
183
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,029
when I was trying to almost,
like, figure things out.
184
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,574
You know what I mean?
Trying to, like, strategize.
185
00:10:57,657 --> 00:11:00,577
I don't have a lot of memories like that
but I can remember certain times as a kid.
186
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,787
Like, I was at a birthday party
187
00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:05,790
and it came the time for the kid
to blow out his candles.
188
00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:09,460
I would sneak in my own wish.
189
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:13,214
Right at that moment
when he blew out the candles.
190
00:11:13,298 --> 00:11:16,801
I... you know, I was thinking,
I don't know if there's a wishing radius
191
00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:18,803
or portal or something, you know...
192
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,763
Some sort of, like, a magical moment.
193
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,390
Anybody can make a wish, actually.
194
00:11:22,473 --> 00:11:25,101
Once those candles are blown out,
like, that's your chance.
195
00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:27,520
It's people are just not taking
advantage of it.
196
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:28,980
"Oh, yeah, maybe me, too."
197
00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:31,941
Some kid would blow out his candles,
I'd be like, "Me too."
198
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,109
I don't know what I was thinking
199
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:35,737
like there's some sort
of Wish Fulfilment Bureau.
200
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,822
They're like,
"We got another birthday wish here."
201
00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:40,408
"Oh, yeah? Actually two came in."
"Oh, twins?"
202
00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:43,786
"No. Just some other kid decided
to piggyback, it was open."
203
00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:47,624
"Well, how close to the cake
is he standing?"
204
00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:49,250
"Five feet."
205
00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:51,628
"That's good. He's in the circle."
206
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:56,674
"Give him his wish. He beat the system."
And I'm like, "Yes!"
207
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:02,847
All right. What's next?
Maybe I'll do the drawings now. Yeah.
208
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:05,934
Okay.
209
00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:08,770
These are some drawings.
210
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:16,319
I wanna start with the design
I'm working on.
211
00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:20,406
T-shirts are pretty popular
for a long time, um...
212
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:22,784
This is a P-shirt,
so it's based on a letter P,
213
00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:26,704
rather than the T.
Sleeveless on this side and this...
214
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,166
sleeve is attached.
So, if you're impatient,
215
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:32,168
it's a good shirt,
like, "Can we go? Come on."
216
00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:36,214
The P-shirt.
217
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:42,095
You know, sometimes
I get a feeling about a letter.
218
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,763
And they just don't hit me right.
219
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:46,975
I don't know what it is.
Like M always felt a little weird to me,
220
00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:49,560
and I just recently figured out
what it is.
221
00:12:49,644 --> 00:12:51,521
I think M is very aggressive.
222
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:57,819
Spread-eagle, you know?
223
00:12:58,861 --> 00:13:00,488
The W is even worse.
224
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,452
Very bony-ass face-plant.
225
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:10,873
Probably the worst would be the A.
226
00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:16,713
It's the A-hole as you can see in here.
227
00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:21,092
Very flirtatious, this guy.
228
00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:29,934
The dollar sign doesn't look like
the symbol for money to me.
229
00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:31,060
This doesn't look like money.
230
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,396
This looks like the perfect symbol
for shish kebab.
231
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,651
- I love Christmas cookies.
- Yeah!
232
00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:40,737
Yeah, I love the sugar cookies
233
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,739
with the different color icing
and everything.
234
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:45,116
It's exciting every time
Christmas comes around,
235
00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:47,452
you get to have these cookies
and they're in all the stores.
236
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:49,912
It is frustrating though.
Because then, Christmas season ends
237
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:52,582
and, you know, they vanish,
you can't have them anymore.
238
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,917
But, I think we could have these
cookies year-round
239
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:58,171
if we just, kind of reframe the cookies
a little bit, you know.
240
00:13:58,254 --> 00:14:01,841
Even in the summer time, you'll be like,
"Hey, I got some pine tree cookies here.
241
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:05,136
If anybody wants
a, you know, forest-based cookie,
242
00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:08,139
it's just a pine tree
or a non-denominational star
243
00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:10,016
if anyone's interested in a star cookie.
244
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:14,020
Could I have another girl
with a fucked-up back cookie? Those are...
245
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,607
The saggy hunchbacks are delicious.
246
00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:21,944
Do you have any more of those
fat, hipster burglar cookies?
247
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:32,747
If you're trying to learn
how to read music, you might know this.
248
00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:37,043
There are mnemonic devices
to learn where the notes are,
249
00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:39,337
kind of on the clef here, so, uh...
250
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:43,633
You know, "Every Good Boy Does Fine"
is something they tell you.
251
00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:47,303
I think we can do better. I think there
are other ways to remember this.
252
00:14:47,845 --> 00:14:49,889
More memorable ways.
253
00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:53,726
Maybe, "Elephants Go Bald Daily. Fuck."
254
00:14:56,354 --> 00:14:58,523
"Eating Gas? Bad Diarrhea Farts."
255
00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:04,278
"Entire Generation Blows.
Damn it, Facebook."
256
00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:14,831
Or tell them just to spell the word "egg"
but don't finish.
257
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:17,083
"E, G, But Don't Finish."
258
00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:21,838
Smart.
259
00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:26,384
This is a magician's "to do" list.
260
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:27,802
Uh...
261
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:30,638
it's pretty simple. To Do. Ta Da.
Okay, done.
262
00:15:34,517 --> 00:15:37,895
It's cool when you see a magician
pull a rabbit out of a hat. That's cool.
263
00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:41,482
What would even be cooler would be
to see him pull a hat out of a rabbit.
264
00:15:48,823 --> 00:15:50,908
And then a rabbit out of that hat.
There we go.
265
00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:54,370
Ass rabbit.
266
00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:01,335
It's a classic a balloon. "It's a boy."
267
00:16:01,419 --> 00:16:05,089
If somebody has a boy.
That's a... That's a classic.
268
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:08,217
We live in different times now.
We're in much more gender fluid times.
269
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,428
You don't wanna assume anything.
270
00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:13,723
I think what might be safer now would be,
"It's alive!"
271
00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:19,604
We'll see how the child does.
You know what I mean?
272
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,483
Instead of "Get well soon."
Maybe "Stay alive!" I think that's...
273
00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:26,360
That's a good balloon there.
274
00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:29,822
I tell you what doesn't work is,
"Stay a boy!"
275
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:33,576
You can't do that.
276
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,413
This is my favorite abbreviation
277
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,749
of all abbreviations
that people have come up with.
278
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:44,754
"TBD," because this meant what it means
279
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:50,468
before... it meant what it means.
280
00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:54,680
It was always TBD before...
You know what I mean? So...
281
00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:58,351
Now here's a graph.
282
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:00,853
This is how that joke just did.
You see? That's...
283
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,358
This is what I expected. This is the...
284
00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:09,654
So we have a problem.
There's a differential here.
285
00:17:09,737 --> 00:17:12,240
This is where I live.
It's like right in here.
286
00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:15,159
It's pretty much my life. Okay.
287
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:17,203
Okay.
288
00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:20,289
Now, laughing and peeing
have a pretty interesting relationship,
289
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:21,457
I think, this is a...
290
00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:26,212
Kind of group dynamics, really.
You know what I mean?
291
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:30,675
If you laugh in a group, that's okay.
Yeah, that's great.
292
00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:34,720
If you laugh alone, crazy.
I think that's pretty crazy.
293
00:17:34,804 --> 00:17:38,474
If I see somebody just laughing, you know,
on his own, on the street,
294
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,476
"This guy's gonna kill me."
You can't just...
295
00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:42,812
You're not allowed to just laugh.
296
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:45,690
Peeing is kind of the opposite.
297
00:17:45,773 --> 00:17:50,611
So if you... pee alone, that's okay.
I think that's really how it's intended.
298
00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:54,865
That's a private thing, really,
It's your own peeing time, um...
299
00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:59,161
Peeing in a group, that's crazy.
I think, if you need,
300
00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:01,372
you know, a bunch of people,
301
00:18:01,455 --> 00:18:04,250
"We're all here? I can pee now.
Thank you. Let's just do this."
302
00:18:05,710 --> 00:18:08,504
If you laugh so hard that it makes you pee
303
00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:10,548
in a group...
304
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:14,218
that's great. That's okay.
You're having a great time.
305
00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:19,181
If you laugh so hard
that it makes pee alone,
306
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,268
definitely a lunatic.
I can't think of anybody...
307
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:25,563
Anything that funny that you can't
control yourself when you're alone,
308
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:27,481
and actually pee on yourself, this is...
309
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:31,569
If you pee and then laugh,
310
00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:36,574
alone, crazy, I think.
311
00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:39,327
"Asparagus!"
312
00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:43,956
It's not funny like that, really, I think.
313
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,086
Pee and then laugh in a group,
that's the craziest. That's...
314
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:52,632
That's a cult.
We're just peeing on a corpse.
315
00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:54,675
"We did it!"
316
00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:57,970
Complicated. Okay.
317
00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:02,266
This is a good sign, I think,
for a strip club during the daytime.
318
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,186
"Sorry we're clothed."
319
00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:08,147
I wonder what the drawings look
like from the balcony.
320
00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:10,149
Oh, okay.
321
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:13,319
Here we have an "Out of Order" sign
that's out of order, so...
322
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:20,201
That doesn't work, you see.
Which makes it work.
323
00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:24,789
This is just me saying this.
324
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,422
Here we have a graph. Parties.
325
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:36,634
This is... how fun the party is
based on the type of party.
326
00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:38,010
Toga party, very fun.
327
00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:40,596
Birthday party, also fun.
A house party, fun.
328
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,724
Big drop-off for search party. So...
329
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:48,396
Much less fun, traditionally,
a search party.
330
00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:51,524
"So we're looking for a body. Okay."
331
00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:57,363
That's... more of a get-together
at best, I'd say, than a party per se.
332
00:19:57,530 --> 00:20:01,033
Toga search party is a little bit more fun
than the standard search party.
333
00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:05,037
We got a theme here, "Hey,
we're Romans and this guy's missing."
334
00:20:08,082 --> 00:20:10,084
Here's a Venn diagram. This is a...
335
00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:13,254
Vacation activities. Enemas.
336
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:15,423
Water skiing. That's where they overlap.
337
00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:25,141
Here's another Venn diagram.
This is... tough guys and spandex.
338
00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:27,852
And the football is where they...
339
00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:31,522
overlap right there.
340
00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:39,238
Finally, praying. We have a graph here.
341
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:42,324
This is the amount people pray
based on the location that they're in.
342
00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:44,535
In the locker room
before championship games,
343
00:20:44,618 --> 00:20:47,204
there's a lot of prayer going on.
And church, even more.
344
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,457
Kneeling in front of the toilet
is off the charts.
345
00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:52,752
This is where people really...
talk to God, usually.
346
00:20:52,835 --> 00:20:55,171
A lot of promises
are made just right there.
347
00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:57,882
In a Jacuzzi, very little.
348
00:20:57,965 --> 00:21:03,220
Not much prayer goes on
in a... Jacuzzi situation.
349
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:07,850
And things that pray. People and mantises.
350
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,189
It's a tie.
351
00:21:15,065 --> 00:21:16,942
It's the end of the drawings.
352
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:18,110
All right.
353
00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:21,405
You know what?
I wanna try something.
354
00:21:24,408 --> 00:21:25,534
Okay.
355
00:21:29,205 --> 00:21:30,456
That was kinda cool.
356
00:21:31,957 --> 00:21:34,126
What was my next bit? Oh, yeah.
357
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:37,004
I find that my horoscope
is a lot more accurate
358
00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:40,216
if I just live, like, less specifically.
359
00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:45,137
I just live kind of a vague life.
360
00:21:46,430 --> 00:21:48,265
It's kinda like spot-on, you know.
361
00:21:49,350 --> 00:21:52,186
"What are you doing tomorrow?"
"Making some choices."
362
00:21:57,024 --> 00:21:59,777
"You're such a Gemini."
"You know it, man. That's me."
363
00:22:02,905 --> 00:22:05,783
Why do we have half sizes for shoes?
That's kinda weird.
364
00:22:06,659 --> 00:22:08,202
We could have picked twice as many numbers
365
00:22:08,285 --> 00:22:11,413
and then we wouldn't have had
to have fractions
366
00:22:11,497 --> 00:22:13,499
in the shoe sizes, you know what I mean?
367
00:22:13,791 --> 00:22:16,210
It seems like a mistake.
Maybe they picked the shoe sizes
368
00:22:16,293 --> 00:22:19,296
and then people's feet got more specific
somehow or something.
369
00:22:20,548 --> 00:22:22,299
"We're all done with the shoe sizes."
370
00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:24,885
"Excuse me,
I don't fit in the nine or the ten."
371
00:22:25,886 --> 00:22:27,471
"You gotta be fucking kidding me."
372
00:22:31,058 --> 00:22:33,602
"We just officialised all the numbers.
Where were you?"
373
00:22:35,521 --> 00:22:38,399
"Shit. We're going to fractions.
This is unbelievable. I can't..."
374
00:22:41,277 --> 00:22:43,904
I think it's cool that we have dashes
in phone numbers.
375
00:22:43,988 --> 00:22:45,823
That was a good idea. That's a good move.
376
00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:50,119
It'd be hard to get someone's number
without those little dashes in there.
377
00:22:50,244 --> 00:22:51,453
"What's your number?
I'll give you a call."
378
00:22:51,537 --> 00:22:54,707
"Oh, sure. It's 3,256,568..."
379
00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:56,917
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jesus Christ, man!
380
00:22:58,836 --> 00:23:01,755
Your number's huge.
This is crazy. Just forget it.
381
00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:04,675
I can't count that high to call you."
382
00:23:09,597 --> 00:23:14,602
It's kind of cool that O and zero
work so nicely together.
383
00:23:14,685 --> 00:23:17,354
I feel like O
will just substitute for zero.
384
00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:20,190
Like, all the time
and nobody has a problem with it.
385
00:23:20,274 --> 00:23:21,442
'Cause they look so alike.
386
00:23:21,525 --> 00:23:24,737
You know, somebody gets your number,
260-4050, whatever, you know.
387
00:23:26,530 --> 00:23:29,325
But you can't substitute "0" for "O."
388
00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:31,535
It doesn't go the other way
for some reason.
389
00:23:31,619 --> 00:23:34,496
"Spell you first name for me."
"T-H-0-M-A-S."
390
00:23:36,332 --> 00:23:39,084
"The fuck, are you a robot?
You can't have a zero on your name."
391
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:45,049
It's kind of a one-way street, really,
with the...
392
00:23:47,301 --> 00:23:51,347
I think it's weird that they went
to double digits so quickly with numbers.
393
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:54,892
I mean, we literally have
an infinite number of numbers.
394
00:23:54,975 --> 00:23:56,393
There's so many numbers.
395
00:23:56,477 --> 00:23:58,520
But when they were coming up
with the shapes,
396
00:23:58,604 --> 00:24:01,940
it was like somebody uncreative
was working on the shapes or something
397
00:24:02,024 --> 00:24:06,445
'cause they just... they just ran out
of ideas quickly. You know what I mean?
398
00:24:07,738 --> 00:24:11,200
Even at nine, you could tell they were
in trouble. They were like, uh...
399
00:24:11,950 --> 00:24:14,286
"Maybe just flip the six? I don't know."
400
00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:17,373
"I'm done, man. I'm out.
401
00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:20,167
Just double them up from here
or something.
402
00:24:20,250 --> 00:24:22,586
I don't know. That's all I have. Okay?"
403
00:24:25,923 --> 00:24:27,299
I like sports bars.
404
00:24:28,092 --> 00:24:29,343
Sports bars are great.
405
00:24:29,635 --> 00:24:31,720
They collect all the people
I don't wanna hang out with
406
00:24:31,804 --> 00:24:33,180
and they put them in one room.
407
00:24:39,019 --> 00:24:39,853
Yeah.
408
00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:42,439
I'm not against sports.
I don't have a problem with sports.
409
00:24:42,523 --> 00:24:45,442
I'm just not good at it.
I'm not coordinated.
410
00:24:45,526 --> 00:24:46,902
I'm not drawn to sports.
411
00:24:46,985 --> 00:24:49,780
I don't even look like someone
who could spend time on a sports bar.
412
00:24:49,863 --> 00:24:53,409
I have a very punchable face
in a sports bar.
413
00:24:54,410 --> 00:24:55,744
It's not a good look. You know?
414
00:24:55,828 --> 00:24:58,747
This is not a sports nose.
You know, I know what I look like.
415
00:25:00,791 --> 00:25:03,544
Maybe for swimming this is a good nose.
416
00:25:03,627 --> 00:25:08,632
If I just keep my face down in the water.
Kind of a rudder, I can steady my head.
417
00:25:09,925 --> 00:25:12,386
It's not an athletic look I have.
418
00:25:13,762 --> 00:25:16,348
I just learned recently
that your nose and your ears
419
00:25:16,432 --> 00:25:19,643
are the only parts of your body
that keep growing through your adult life.
420
00:25:19,935 --> 00:25:22,688
And I was like,
"You gotta be fucking kidding me."
421
00:25:26,358 --> 00:25:27,317
Really? Okay.
422
00:25:28,068 --> 00:25:31,071
If I live long enough, this is gonna be
a shit show, man. This is...
423
00:25:33,615 --> 00:25:35,909
"Here comes Grandpa.
He's got that little walker for his nose,
424
00:25:35,993 --> 00:25:38,203
just couple of wheels
on the front of this thing."
425
00:25:39,663 --> 00:25:40,748
Roll it in.
426
00:25:44,710 --> 00:25:47,921
They should have a stationary bike
at the gym that's in a wheelie position.
427
00:25:50,424 --> 00:25:51,467
It'll be kinda cool.
428
00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:54,636
I'm like, "Yeah, I'll ride a wheelie
for a half an hour. Shit, yeah."
429
00:25:55,053 --> 00:25:56,388
I'll get on that thing. Hello.
430
00:25:59,141 --> 00:26:02,227
Or a Stairmaster that goes downstairs.
Just one of them would be like,
431
00:26:02,311 --> 00:26:04,062
"I'm not pushing it today.
432
00:26:04,146 --> 00:26:06,482
I'm just gonna go down,
like, six flights of stairs."
433
00:26:12,446 --> 00:26:16,408
I'm not a big workout guy.
I've gone to gyms, but it doesn't...
434
00:26:16,492 --> 00:26:17,993
doesn't take for me, you know.
435
00:26:18,869 --> 00:26:20,412
The gym is too intense.
436
00:26:20,496 --> 00:26:24,333
You ever make eye contact with somebody
in the mirror at the gym?
437
00:26:24,416 --> 00:26:26,543
It's like way too intimate.
438
00:26:26,627 --> 00:26:30,297
That one bounce
just makes it very personal.
439
00:26:31,381 --> 00:26:33,300
It doesn't help if you try to diffuse it
440
00:26:33,383 --> 00:26:35,385
by like, you know, encouraging the guy.
441
00:26:35,469 --> 00:26:37,805
He's like, "Hey, good job."
"What the fuck, man!"
442
00:26:41,725 --> 00:26:42,976
Uh...
443
00:26:43,352 --> 00:26:46,104
I have tried to work out, though,
over the years. I have...
444
00:26:46,188 --> 00:26:47,356
I put some effort into it.
445
00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:50,943
I'm the kind of person
where I can make a really good plan.
446
00:26:51,026 --> 00:26:53,529
You know, I really do like charts
and graphs and stuff.
447
00:26:53,612 --> 00:26:56,949
So make like a big poster
by hand, I write it out.
448
00:26:57,032 --> 00:27:00,410
Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
You know, chest and triceps.
449
00:27:00,744 --> 00:27:02,496
Tuesday, Thursday, back and biceps.
450
00:27:02,579 --> 00:27:03,705
And I got abs on this day
451
00:27:03,956 --> 00:27:06,917
and a whole program
I've worked out for myself.
452
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,335
Done research and everything.
453
00:27:08,418 --> 00:27:11,213
I post it up on a cork board
at my house and...
454
00:27:12,339 --> 00:27:14,633
Nice start.
I come out of the gate pretty good.
455
00:27:14,716 --> 00:27:17,261
I can do like three days, five days,
maybe a week.
456
00:27:17,344 --> 00:27:20,222
I don't think I ever made it to two weeks
but I give it a shot.
457
00:27:21,181 --> 00:27:23,767
Then I lose steam, you know.
It just doesn't happen for me
458
00:27:23,851 --> 00:27:25,936
and I get distracted, I do something else.
459
00:27:26,436 --> 00:27:29,940
Um, what's weird is I'm old enough now
that I've repeated this pattern.
460
00:27:30,023 --> 00:27:34,528
I can see my behavior,
like, this pattern repeating itself.
461
00:27:34,653 --> 00:27:36,405
Because I take "before" photos, too.
462
00:27:36,488 --> 00:27:38,448
I take... I get in the living room,
463
00:27:38,532 --> 00:27:41,410
you know, underwear, shorts,
no shirt, just kinda...
464
00:27:44,246 --> 00:27:47,165
You don't smile on the "before" photos.
I kinda have this blank...
465
00:27:48,792 --> 00:27:51,628
And then after you work out,
you're supposed to be like, "Hey!"
466
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:54,882
You've got a tan. You're lathered up
or whatever a few months later.
467
00:27:54,965 --> 00:27:57,467
I just never made it that far,
it just never worked out.
468
00:27:57,759 --> 00:28:00,554
So, I just had a series
of photos of myself...
469
00:28:02,180 --> 00:28:04,016
getting older in my underwear. That's it.
470
00:28:07,477 --> 00:28:10,522
If somebody found the photos after I died,
"What was this guy's fetish?
471
00:28:10,606 --> 00:28:11,440
What is this?
472
00:28:12,691 --> 00:28:15,611
Just aging sadly in his living room?
What the...?"
473
00:28:18,947 --> 00:28:21,116
Sometimes on the news
I've noticed that reporters
474
00:28:21,199 --> 00:28:22,743
are kind of shitty to each other.
475
00:28:23,619 --> 00:28:27,414
Sometimes a reporter will introduce
another reporter who's out in the field
476
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:30,751
and just give away their whole story
in their introduction.
477
00:28:31,627 --> 00:28:33,712
"Now as Judy Wong reports down
at the courthouse,
478
00:28:33,795 --> 00:28:35,255
there's a big protest. Judy?"
479
00:28:39,343 --> 00:28:40,177
"Thanks, asshole.
480
00:28:40,844 --> 00:28:42,429
That was my story,
I was gonna tell them that
481
00:28:42,512 --> 00:28:45,807
but you managed to give away
the whole story before I can even speak.
482
00:28:46,308 --> 00:28:47,851
Back to you, motherfucker."
483
00:28:53,065 --> 00:28:54,566
I was thinking the next time
I buy a picture frame,
484
00:28:54,650 --> 00:28:58,904
I could bring a photo of myself
and just slip it into the frame
485
00:28:59,613 --> 00:29:01,156
before I get to the register.
486
00:29:04,409 --> 00:29:07,496
When she's ringing up halfway through,
I'd be like, "What the...?
487
00:29:10,749 --> 00:29:12,793
How did you get one of my before photos?"
488
00:29:21,677 --> 00:29:24,471
How do you market a cruise to people?
That seems kind of hard.
489
00:29:25,180 --> 00:29:26,556
"Hey, do you like hotels?"
490
00:29:26,890 --> 00:29:27,724
"Yeah."
491
00:29:28,308 --> 00:29:29,768
"How about one that could sink?"
492
00:29:34,273 --> 00:29:35,399
Oh!
493
00:29:36,650 --> 00:29:39,319
"I can drown in my bedroom? Wow! Okay.
494
00:29:42,239 --> 00:29:44,157
I like that. Yeah, that does sound fun."
495
00:29:45,534 --> 00:29:49,204
Pretty close to the top of the list
of ironic ways I would not wanna die
496
00:29:49,871 --> 00:29:54,167
would be to drown in the swimming pool
on the deck of a cruise ship...
497
00:29:56,336 --> 00:29:57,587
in the middle of the ocean.
498
00:29:59,339 --> 00:30:02,134
"Do you hear about Demetri?"
"Yeah, he drowned in the Pacific Ocean."
499
00:30:02,217 --> 00:30:05,137
"No, he drowned on the Pacific Ocean.
500
00:30:07,723 --> 00:30:09,099
There's a boat there
that was totally fine.
501
00:30:09,182 --> 00:30:11,560
He just found this one rectangle of water
502
00:30:12,019 --> 00:30:15,605
and it was in there
that he managed to die.
503
00:30:17,149 --> 00:30:19,276
What an idiot. That's terrible. Yeah.
504
00:30:20,277 --> 00:30:21,445
Pretty embarrassing."
505
00:30:23,947 --> 00:30:27,534
Balloons are great. You can use balloons
for so many different things.
506
00:30:28,035 --> 00:30:30,203
But you can't grieve with balloons.
They are...
507
00:30:31,538 --> 00:30:33,790
a little limited that way.
You know what I mean?
508
00:30:34,624 --> 00:30:38,253
Like you can't show up to a funeral
with a bunch of black balloons
509
00:30:38,337 --> 00:30:40,672
and be like,
"I am so sorry for your loss."
510
00:30:43,258 --> 00:30:45,469
"Oh, thank you, these are... beautiful.
511
00:30:45,552 --> 00:30:47,346
Guess I'll tie them to the casket."
512
00:30:49,765 --> 00:30:52,476
"Pop 'em when you're ready.
When you're ready, just pop 'em."
513
00:30:53,060 --> 00:30:54,978
"Oh, thank you. I appreciate that."
514
00:30:56,355 --> 00:31:00,317
It's weird to think about death
because it's the last thing that you do.
515
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:02,944
Your last verb is you die.
516
00:31:03,445 --> 00:31:05,280
That's the last thing you do.
517
00:31:05,781 --> 00:31:09,159
Unless you were body surfing,
you could argue that you, you know,
518
00:31:09,534 --> 00:31:12,329
body surf for another 20 minutes
after you die, but...
519
00:31:14,790 --> 00:31:16,083
I don't think that counts.
520
00:31:16,166 --> 00:31:18,585
I don't know if that's you so much
at that point.
521
00:31:20,128 --> 00:31:21,463
I think I'm thirsty.
522
00:31:21,546 --> 00:31:22,631
Yep.
523
00:31:23,256 --> 00:31:25,300
Just get a quick drink.
524
00:31:25,759 --> 00:31:26,718
There we go.
525
00:31:28,970 --> 00:31:30,889
Oh, that is warm.
526
00:31:31,807 --> 00:31:33,892
- Water!
- It's like I'm drinking bath water.
527
00:31:33,975 --> 00:31:35,685
It's a hot crowd.
That's a good crowd.
528
00:31:37,020 --> 00:31:38,021
Whoo!
529
00:31:38,397 --> 00:31:41,191
"How did your drinking water bit go?"
"Oh, it went great, man.
530
00:31:43,276 --> 00:31:45,946
They liked it. They like me
a little bit thirsty for sure."
531
00:31:48,073 --> 00:31:48,907
Whoo!
532
00:31:48,990 --> 00:31:50,325
It's amazing being in an audience.
533
00:31:50,409 --> 00:31:53,912
It's one of the few times that
you can have a conversation like that.
534
00:31:53,995 --> 00:31:56,373
You say, "Whoo!"
Like that totally counts as a...
535
00:31:58,041 --> 00:32:00,335
Your side of the conversation.
How you doing? Whoo!
536
00:32:02,671 --> 00:32:04,047
Having a good night? Woo-hoo!
537
00:32:04,131 --> 00:32:05,382
Whoo!
538
00:32:05,465 --> 00:32:06,425
It's totally cool.
539
00:32:07,050 --> 00:32:10,637
After the show, it would be kind of weird
if I ran into you on the street...
540
00:32:11,805 --> 00:32:12,639
"Were you on my show?"
541
00:32:12,722 --> 00:32:13,557
Whoo!
542
00:32:17,018 --> 00:32:18,603
"You okay?" Woo-hoo!
543
00:32:21,231 --> 00:32:22,399
"Do you have like a disorder?"
544
00:32:22,482 --> 00:32:23,316
Whoo!
545
00:32:24,693 --> 00:32:25,527
Whoo!
546
00:32:26,903 --> 00:32:28,822
"I'm sorry." Woo-hoo.
547
00:32:32,909 --> 00:32:35,245
I wonder if anybody ever
had a near-death experience
548
00:32:35,328 --> 00:32:39,040
that just rolled into,
like, a regular death.
549
00:32:42,043 --> 00:32:44,171
Do you what I mean?
Like, you're in the OR...
550
00:32:47,799 --> 00:32:50,510
All of a sudden
you feel yourself leaving your body.
551
00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:53,972
Now you're in the tunnel
and there's the bright light.
552
00:32:54,222 --> 00:32:56,057
You're being drawn towards the light.
553
00:32:56,141 --> 00:32:59,352
You're not even walking,
you're just floating towards the light
554
00:32:59,436 --> 00:33:00,312
through the darkness.
555
00:33:00,395 --> 00:33:02,981
And you see a line of people
waiting for you
556
00:33:03,064 --> 00:33:05,108
and you just feel love and warmth.
557
00:33:05,192 --> 00:33:08,028
And here's your grandmother,
"Hello. Welcome."
558
00:33:09,613 --> 00:33:11,198
Across from her is your great-grandfather.
559
00:33:11,281 --> 00:33:13,033
You've never met him
but you know it's him.
560
00:33:13,116 --> 00:33:15,160
"Young man, it's good to meet you.
Welcome!"
561
00:33:16,244 --> 00:33:18,872
Here's your dog when you were a kid...
562
00:33:19,289 --> 00:33:21,958
But you can understand him.
"Hello. Congratulations, sir."
563
00:33:22,042 --> 00:33:23,960
Whatever they congratulate you
when you die.
564
00:33:26,796 --> 00:33:30,550
Some friend from high school,
and people smiling and waiting for you.
565
00:33:30,884 --> 00:33:32,886
And then suddenly, you freeze.
566
00:33:33,595 --> 00:33:36,181
You start to go backwards.
567
00:33:36,473 --> 00:33:39,226
The light is fading.
The line of people is receding.
568
00:33:39,392 --> 00:33:42,687
Your grandmother's like,
"Goodbye. It wasn't your time, goodbye!"
569
00:33:45,398 --> 00:33:46,983
You feel yourself
coming back into your body.
570
00:33:47,067 --> 00:33:48,944
You're coming back. Something goes wrong.
571
00:33:52,239 --> 00:33:53,490
Now you gotta go back...
572
00:33:56,034 --> 00:33:57,035
down the tunnel.
573
00:33:57,994 --> 00:34:01,414
Everybody's running back into position
your grandma's like, "Hello again..."
574
00:34:02,165 --> 00:34:04,709
Your great-grandpa's like,
"This is very unusual, young man.
575
00:34:04,793 --> 00:34:05,919
What are we doing here?"
576
00:34:06,002 --> 00:34:08,547
Your dog like, " What the fuck?"
And then...
577
00:34:09,214 --> 00:34:10,924
The light's in your eyes
at the wrong angle,
578
00:34:11,007 --> 00:34:13,385
the guy is putting out a cigarette,
"Shit, this guy died!"
579
00:34:18,932 --> 00:34:21,351
I don't have an ending for that joke,
it's just that...
580
00:34:22,394 --> 00:34:24,896
The joke dies, just like we do.
It's just that...
581
00:34:27,232 --> 00:34:28,066
It's okay.
582
00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:32,779
They should have positive uses
for blow darts too.
583
00:34:34,573 --> 00:34:36,616
Like if you have to get your kid
vaccinated.
584
00:34:38,994 --> 00:34:40,161
Go to the paediatrician, he's like,
585
00:34:40,245 --> 00:34:43,039
"Would you like regular
or a blow dart for the vaccination?"
586
00:34:43,123 --> 00:34:45,709
"Oh! Yeah, let's try a blow dart.
That sounds good."
587
00:34:46,459 --> 00:34:49,129
The kid's just like waiting on the table,
doctor pops in...
588
00:34:49,212 --> 00:34:50,964
Ah!
589
00:34:53,300 --> 00:34:56,052
"Sweetie, you're done! That's it.
You're vaccinated."
590
00:34:58,722 --> 00:34:59,556
Everybody wins.
591
00:34:59,639 --> 00:35:02,642
The doctor's like, "I love my job.
This is the best part of the day."
592
00:35:05,145 --> 00:35:07,230
The parent's like, "Yes! Nailed it."
593
00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:11,318
And the kid has no fear,
there's no anticipation
594
00:35:11,401 --> 00:35:14,571
leading up to, you know.
Until the next time he has to...
595
00:35:16,448 --> 00:35:18,366
That is pretty much at the front door
of the doctor's office.
596
00:35:18,450 --> 00:35:19,826
The kid's like, "Where is he?"
597
00:35:21,453 --> 00:35:24,372
Which bit should I do next? Hmm...
598
00:35:26,499 --> 00:35:27,500
Uh... that one.
599
00:35:32,172 --> 00:35:34,549
This is called, "Fascinating Facts."
600
00:35:35,884 --> 00:35:37,802
Some facts that I just wanna share
with you.
601
00:35:41,056 --> 00:35:43,933
It is safer to fly in a plane
than it is to fly in a car.
602
00:35:46,561 --> 00:35:50,065
Drunk people are about 6,000 percent
less interesting than they think they are.
603
00:35:52,233 --> 00:35:55,111
The term for the very tip of the scissors
is the "snipples."
604
00:35:58,573 --> 00:35:59,949
Pandas are biracial.
605
00:36:03,912 --> 00:36:06,706
About 75 percent
of German shepherds are dogs.
606
00:36:10,335 --> 00:36:12,545
The other 25 percent are German shepherds.
607
00:36:14,673 --> 00:36:17,634
White people are 50 times more likely
than people of any other race
608
00:36:17,717 --> 00:36:18,802
use the word "neat-o."
609
00:36:21,930 --> 00:36:25,517
Due to global warming, the polar ice caps
are now polar ice yarmulkes.
610
00:36:28,269 --> 00:36:31,272
The most popular kind of prosthetic limb
in the world is the dildo.
611
00:36:35,777 --> 00:36:37,320
Wednesday is spelled wrong.
612
00:36:43,034 --> 00:36:44,369
By simply adding a ponytail,
613
00:36:44,452 --> 00:36:46,579
a man can remove
up to all of his credibility.
614
00:36:51,334 --> 00:36:53,920
Nearly one half of all Americans
are torsos.
615
00:36:58,341 --> 00:36:59,968
The word "hurdle"
comes from the Danish word
616
00:37:00,051 --> 00:37:01,344
meaning "testicle paddle."
617
00:37:04,055 --> 00:37:07,058
People who are vegan not only live longer
they're also more annoying.
618
00:37:11,521 --> 00:37:14,232
New Jersey is the only state
you can smell from other states.
619
00:37:17,777 --> 00:37:20,780
In rare circumstances,
the leap year falls on a hump day.
620
00:37:20,864 --> 00:37:22,407
This is known as the "leap hump."
621
00:37:25,660 --> 00:37:27,328
You're more likely to die
in a terrible accident
622
00:37:27,412 --> 00:37:28,788
than in a wonderful accident.
623
00:37:31,332 --> 00:37:33,460
The capital of Alaska is "A."
624
00:37:38,298 --> 00:37:41,634
By the age of 90, the average person
has already been dead for eight years.
625
00:37:43,928 --> 00:37:47,015
No one has ever successfully
blown a French kiss to another person.
626
00:37:50,351 --> 00:37:52,395
Men are about 800 times
more likely than women
627
00:37:52,479 --> 00:37:54,647
to fart into a bag
at some point in their lives.
628
00:37:59,569 --> 00:38:02,405
Experts believe there's about 25 percent
more camouflage in the world
629
00:38:02,489 --> 00:38:03,448
than we realize.
630
00:38:07,410 --> 00:38:10,079
The term for the very bottom of the banana
is the "ban-anus."
631
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:15,668
There are fewer and fewer magicians
in the world
632
00:38:15,752 --> 00:38:17,670
due to the difficulty
they have reproducing.
633
00:38:19,547 --> 00:38:22,592
The Heimlich manoeuvre can also be done
on someone who's constipated.
634
00:38:26,554 --> 00:38:31,726
Sex... is the leading cause of people.
635
00:38:38,066 --> 00:38:38,900
All right.
636
00:38:47,408 --> 00:38:49,035
All right, that worked pretty well.
637
00:38:50,870 --> 00:38:53,122
All right, I should keep the show moving.
Hurry up.
638
00:38:56,835 --> 00:38:57,669
Okay.
639
00:38:59,754 --> 00:39:01,840
Oh, maybe I could do a bit
with the mic stand.
640
00:39:10,932 --> 00:39:12,851
No, that's not my style.
641
00:39:13,685 --> 00:39:16,354
I was driving and I saw a signage
that said, "Hidden Driveway,"
642
00:39:16,437 --> 00:39:18,648
and I was like, "Well, you just ruined it!
643
00:39:20,942 --> 00:39:22,277
Let me figure that out!"
644
00:39:25,029 --> 00:39:28,741
Sometimes when I'm driving and I get like,
road rage pretty badly, you know,
645
00:39:28,825 --> 00:39:31,202
and I don't have the physique
to back it up. I...
646
00:39:31,703 --> 00:39:35,248
It's such a mismatch between my anger
and what I could actually do to anybody,
647
00:39:35,331 --> 00:39:36,165
I can't...
648
00:39:37,208 --> 00:39:39,419
I can solve some puzzles really quickly
in front of them,
649
00:39:39,502 --> 00:39:41,546
they'd be like,
"Shit, this guy threw me off."
650
00:39:44,424 --> 00:39:45,884
Part of the problem with road rage
651
00:39:45,967 --> 00:39:49,012
is that we don't have an adequate way
to communicate with each other.
652
00:39:49,387 --> 00:39:53,892
We have a very limited vocabulary
we could say "thank you" and "fuck you."
653
00:39:53,975 --> 00:39:56,060
That's the two things we can say.
654
00:39:56,144 --> 00:39:59,063
That's pretty limited
'cause sometimes I make a mistake
655
00:39:59,147 --> 00:40:02,233
and then I wish I had a gesture
to go with it.
656
00:40:02,317 --> 00:40:06,112
You can't really apologize, like,
or cut a guy off and like, "Oh, shit."
657
00:40:06,613 --> 00:40:08,656
And he catches up to me
and I gotta be like...
658
00:40:13,953 --> 00:40:16,998
"From your perspective. Fuck me.
You see? I'm on your side here."
659
00:40:17,916 --> 00:40:20,209
There's no "I'm sorry."
I can't be like, "I'm sorry.
660
00:40:22,295 --> 00:40:24,839
I'm sad for what I did.
661
00:40:26,215 --> 00:40:28,885
Okay?" "What the hell is this guy doing?
Is he a mime?"
662
00:40:30,219 --> 00:40:33,556
The car horn's even worse.
That's just like instant aggression.
663
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:36,142
It's like yelling "hey" at someone.
664
00:40:36,225 --> 00:40:38,519
You hit the horn and like, "Hey! Hey!"
665
00:40:40,063 --> 00:40:42,148
Sometimes I tap it,
I'm not trying to be a dick here,
666
00:40:42,231 --> 00:40:44,359
I'm just trying to, you know,
use it gently.
667
00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:45,944
I think it comes out, "Hey."
668
00:40:46,027 --> 00:40:47,320
But it doesn't. It comes out, "Hey!"
669
00:40:50,156 --> 00:40:52,367
You can't take it back
if you make a mistake with the horns.
670
00:40:52,450 --> 00:40:55,912
Sometimes I wish I could take it back.
I wish there was like a second button
671
00:40:55,995 --> 00:40:58,957
next to the horn,
that was like a reverse horn sound,
672
00:40:59,040 --> 00:41:02,669
you know what I mean?
So you could just like, take it back.
673
00:41:02,752 --> 00:41:06,130
Like I was waiting to make a left
at the light, it was like the second car.
674
00:41:06,214 --> 00:41:07,799
The light changes, the guy doesn't go.
675
00:41:07,882 --> 00:41:09,634
"Fucking go!" you know?
676
00:41:09,842 --> 00:41:12,762
Then I see the old man
walking through the intersection.
677
00:41:15,014 --> 00:41:16,307
Now I look like a lunatic.
678
00:41:16,391 --> 00:41:18,559
I was basically saying,
"Get him! Hit him!"
679
00:41:22,647 --> 00:41:24,607
I wish I could take that back, though.
680
00:41:24,691 --> 00:41:25,942
Then I see the old man.
681
00:41:30,697 --> 00:41:33,741
"Okay, cool. You're not a dick.
I hear you, that's fine."
682
00:41:38,454 --> 00:41:40,999
I love GPS.
I use that a lot when I'm driving.
683
00:41:41,082 --> 00:41:43,084
For comedians, it's great.
We go to all these cities.
684
00:41:43,167 --> 00:41:46,546
We don't know where anything is.
GPS just tells you how to get there.
685
00:41:47,046 --> 00:41:50,341
And I learned recently
that I could change the gender of the GPS,
686
00:41:50,842 --> 00:41:52,844
or the accent, which is kind of cool.
687
00:41:53,094 --> 00:41:55,138
You can't change
the tone of voice, though.
688
00:41:55,221 --> 00:41:56,848
I wish you could change the tone of voice.
689
00:41:56,931 --> 00:42:00,393
You could have like different
emotional connection with the GPS
690
00:42:00,476 --> 00:42:02,687
depending on
what you're going through, you know?
691
00:42:03,771 --> 00:42:06,065
If you're running late
you could pick like "urgent."
692
00:42:06,607 --> 00:42:09,944
"Okay. In two-tenths of a mile,
make a right on the light. Go, go, go!"
693
00:42:14,782 --> 00:42:16,451
Or if you're driving late at night
on a highway,
694
00:42:16,534 --> 00:42:18,953
you're getting drowsy,
you just pick, like, "alarming."
695
00:42:19,495 --> 00:42:21,247
"In a quarter mile, you're gonna die!"
696
00:42:22,915 --> 00:42:24,625
"Oh, shit. GPS, thank you."
697
00:42:24,709 --> 00:42:27,045
"My God, you scared the shit out of me.
Where am I?"
698
00:42:29,630 --> 00:42:32,008
"Reluctant" would be really good
for somebody like me.
699
00:42:34,635 --> 00:42:37,263
"At the roundabout,
take the second exit."
700
00:42:39,599 --> 00:42:41,517
"Do you even wanna go
to this baby shower?"
701
00:42:45,229 --> 00:42:46,105
No.
702
00:42:47,440 --> 00:42:49,817
"Then make a legal U-turn,
and let's fucking go home."
703
00:42:52,653 --> 00:42:54,030
Thanks, GPS, you're right.
704
00:42:57,241 --> 00:43:00,328
I can't wait till we have driverless cars
everywhere. That'll be cool.
705
00:43:00,787 --> 00:43:02,914
It'll only be a matter of time
before people figure out
706
00:43:02,997 --> 00:43:04,916
that they can just get a car
for their dogs.
707
00:43:06,959 --> 00:43:07,835
"Honey, where are the dogs?"
708
00:43:07,919 --> 00:43:10,588
"I got them a car,
they're driving around for an hour."
709
00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:14,092
Can you imagine being in a red light
710
00:43:14,175 --> 00:43:16,094
and a car full of dogs
pulls up next to you?
711
00:43:22,767 --> 00:43:25,061
Incredible.
The dogs are having a great time.
712
00:43:25,144 --> 00:43:27,438
The driver dog's like,
"I knew I could do this."
713
00:43:30,942 --> 00:43:34,278
If you get into an accident with dogs,
how mad are you gonna be?
714
00:43:35,613 --> 00:43:37,281
You get out of the car, "Son of a bitch.
715
00:43:37,615 --> 00:43:39,158
Hello."
716
00:43:41,202 --> 00:43:43,621
"Where's your insurance?
Get your insurance. Good boy."
717
00:43:46,999 --> 00:43:51,087
I wonder if in the future, if robots
will be such a regular part of our lives,
718
00:43:51,587 --> 00:43:53,923
it will be considered offensive
to do "The Robot."
719
00:43:57,009 --> 00:43:59,178
You're in a party like,
"Hey, man, check me out."
720
00:43:59,262 --> 00:44:00,096
Whoa!
721
00:44:01,055 --> 00:44:03,933
"What are you doing?"
"Freaking robbies. I don't give a shit."
722
00:44:04,892 --> 00:44:05,977
"Did you say 'robbies'?"
723
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:09,313
Those are Technical-Americans."
724
00:44:14,652 --> 00:44:17,697
Sometimes when you make a job title
sound more politically correct,
725
00:44:17,780 --> 00:44:20,449
it actually sounds worse, you know.
726
00:44:20,700 --> 00:44:24,495
"Your father's not a garbage man.
He's a garbage person."
727
00:44:27,290 --> 00:44:28,124
"Yep."
728
00:44:30,376 --> 00:44:33,296
"Your dad's a piece of shit is what
I'm trying to say. You understand?"
729
00:44:37,592 --> 00:44:40,052
Sometimes people say,
"I forgive, but I don't forget."
730
00:44:41,345 --> 00:44:42,555
Sounds pretty cool.
731
00:44:43,639 --> 00:44:46,184
I'd like to hear,
"I forget, but I don't forgive."
732
00:44:49,145 --> 00:44:51,230
"Who the hell are you, you son of a bitch?
733
00:44:54,025 --> 00:44:56,903
I'm mad at a lot of people
and I don't know who they are."
734
00:45:02,658 --> 00:45:04,076
I feel like people are saying things,
735
00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:06,621
like they don't even think through
what they're saying.
736
00:45:07,246 --> 00:45:09,874
I was in a fitting room
at a clothing store,
737
00:45:09,957 --> 00:45:12,251
and I come out and the lady goes,
"How'd you do?"
738
00:45:15,212 --> 00:45:17,590
"Uh, bad. I did bad. I, uh...
739
00:45:18,716 --> 00:45:20,760
I put the sweater on my legs. I just...
740
00:45:21,844 --> 00:45:23,721
I blew it. I blew it. I panicked.
741
00:45:23,804 --> 00:45:26,223
I got in as if I got a plan.
Before I knew it,
742
00:45:26,307 --> 00:45:28,017
my legs were right in there
on those sleeves.
743
00:45:28,100 --> 00:45:30,186
And just standing there and I...
744
00:45:30,269 --> 00:45:32,563
farted quietly and I came back. I just...
745
00:45:33,606 --> 00:45:35,858
But thank you for asking
such a patronizing question
746
00:45:35,942 --> 00:45:38,110
to a grown man on how I did."
747
00:45:40,529 --> 00:45:42,406
When I go to buy things,
a lot of times, at the register,
748
00:45:42,490 --> 00:45:44,700
they ask me if I "found everything okay."
749
00:45:45,451 --> 00:45:47,203
I don't know if that's a trend
or if I just look
750
00:45:47,286 --> 00:45:49,538
like I can't find shit in a store
or something.
751
00:45:50,081 --> 00:45:51,749
Or it's like,
"Did you find everything okay?"
752
00:45:51,832 --> 00:45:53,751
I'll just say, "Yes. Yeah, I did. Yes."
753
00:45:54,794 --> 00:45:57,797
You can never say, "No." right?
"Do you find everything okay?"
754
00:45:57,964 --> 00:46:01,676
"No. I didn't find anything okay.
755
00:46:03,052 --> 00:46:04,053
Your store's impossible.
756
00:46:04,136 --> 00:46:07,306
I've been here for three hours
looking for stuff. I can't find a thing.
757
00:46:08,474 --> 00:46:11,435
This is all random shit.
I don't want any of this. This is just..."
758
00:46:13,020 --> 00:46:16,065
I got this because I knew you were
gonna ask if I found stuff okay.
759
00:46:16,148 --> 00:46:18,359
But I just took random stuff. I..."
760
00:46:20,236 --> 00:46:22,363
What if you say no?
What are they even gonna do for you?
761
00:46:22,446 --> 00:46:23,906
"Do you find everything okay?" "No."
762
00:46:23,990 --> 00:46:26,993
"Okay. Shut down my register,
I'm gonna help him find stuff okay.
763
00:46:27,076 --> 00:46:29,161
Come on, stupid,
let's find stuff together. You're dumb."
764
00:46:29,245 --> 00:46:30,955
"Thank you. Yeah, I can't find stuff okay.
765
00:46:31,038 --> 00:46:33,791
Can you carry me by the hand?
I want that. Could you..."
766
00:46:33,874 --> 00:46:36,836
"You found it? You're okay?"
"I'm okay." "Good, fine." "Okay."
767
00:46:39,755 --> 00:46:41,632
At a dinner party, I heard a guy say,
768
00:46:41,716 --> 00:46:43,843
"I believe everything happens
for a reason."
769
00:46:44,969 --> 00:46:47,263
And I wanted to smack him
in the face, you know.
770
00:46:48,806 --> 00:46:51,058
He'll be like,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
771
00:46:52,226 --> 00:46:53,060
"You tell me."
772
00:47:00,484 --> 00:47:03,446
"That's your belief, man.
That's your thing. I don't know. Your...
773
00:47:04,363 --> 00:47:08,242
Your Lord lifted my hand and it hit him.
This is part of His plan.
774
00:47:08,325 --> 00:47:12,121
He will see the reason in the future."
"Okay."
775
00:47:14,123 --> 00:47:16,667
I love jokes.
I love telling jokes because...
776
00:47:16,751 --> 00:47:19,545
there's something really economical
about a good joke.
777
00:47:20,046 --> 00:47:23,174
It breaks down a bunch of ideas
into just a sentence or two.
778
00:47:23,257 --> 00:47:25,009
I've always loved that, actually.
779
00:47:25,092 --> 00:47:28,179
From day one as a comic,
I've just been drawn to jokes.
780
00:47:28,763 --> 00:47:31,557
And I've noticed now,
being a little bit older,
781
00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:35,352
that there have been times in my life
where I ended up almost in a joke.
782
00:47:36,145 --> 00:47:39,065
Where I'm kind of in my own one-liner
whether I like it or not.
783
00:47:39,148 --> 00:47:42,485
It doesn't happen often,
but I'll give you an example.
784
00:47:42,568 --> 00:47:43,944
It's almost 10 years ago, now.
785
00:47:44,403 --> 00:47:47,698
I was living in New York alone
in a six-floor walk-up.
786
00:47:47,782 --> 00:47:51,035
No elevator, this whole building,
with six floors up to the top.
787
00:47:51,118 --> 00:47:55,748
And I had this tiny apartment.
I was single, I was over 30.
788
00:47:56,415 --> 00:47:59,668
One night, I was getting ready to go out,
it was like a trivial moment.
789
00:47:59,752 --> 00:48:02,546
But then I said a sentence out loud
to myself.
790
00:48:03,089 --> 00:48:06,425
It was like a perfect snapshot of my life
at that moment.
791
00:48:07,093 --> 00:48:08,844
And right after I said it, I was like,
792
00:48:08,928 --> 00:48:10,387
"Oh, my God.
I'm probably gonna remember that."
793
00:48:10,471 --> 00:48:12,723
And I think about it often.
It was really simple.
794
00:48:12,807 --> 00:48:14,934
I was in my apartment,
getting ready to go out,
795
00:48:15,643 --> 00:48:18,229
and I said angrily out loud to myself...
796
00:48:19,814 --> 00:48:21,482
"Where the fuck is my tambourine?"
797
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:29,240
Right there, what series of choices
did this man make...
798
00:48:31,742 --> 00:48:34,703
to be this angry
about the location of a tambourine?
799
00:48:36,539 --> 00:48:39,416
"I got some jingling to do
and I don't have time to fuck around.
800
00:48:44,004 --> 00:48:45,714
People are counting on me."
801
00:48:48,008 --> 00:48:50,219
It just like stayed with me.
You know what I mean?
802
00:48:50,302 --> 00:48:54,014
It became like a big moment
in my life now. It defines me.
803
00:48:55,850 --> 00:48:58,936
Well, fast forward to last winter.
804
00:48:59,478 --> 00:49:01,647
Now I'm married. I have two little kids.
805
00:49:02,106 --> 00:49:05,192
And I went on vacation with my family.
806
00:49:05,276 --> 00:49:07,444
We went to Lake Tahoe for Christmas break.
807
00:49:07,945 --> 00:49:09,488
It was great. We had a great time.
808
00:49:09,572 --> 00:49:12,116
It was beautiful.
It snowed, you know, white Christmas.
809
00:49:12,408 --> 00:49:16,036
One morning, my wife said,
"Why don't we go out for breakfast today?"
810
00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:18,414
I said, "That's a great idea,
let's go out."
811
00:49:18,497 --> 00:49:21,834
We put the kids in the car
and she navigated, I drove.
812
00:49:21,917 --> 00:49:25,129
She's Yelping.
She's trying to find a restaurant
813
00:49:25,212 --> 00:49:27,673
that will satisfy our requirements,
814
00:49:27,756 --> 00:49:31,260
which is not that easy because we have
dietary restrictions between us.
815
00:49:31,343 --> 00:49:34,680
She's lactose intolerant.
She can't have gluten.
816
00:49:34,763 --> 00:49:38,100
She's one of those people, it messes up
her stomach. She's got her thing.
817
00:49:38,184 --> 00:49:40,603
Me, I've got life-threatening
food allergies.
818
00:49:40,686 --> 00:49:42,354
So that's pretty nice, so...
819
00:49:43,397 --> 00:49:45,816
If I eat a peanut, I die. So that's...
820
00:49:47,026 --> 00:49:48,611
I can't see any good use for that.
821
00:49:48,694 --> 00:49:50,446
I've never really seen a benefit
822
00:49:51,197 --> 00:49:53,073
that comes from that allergy, you know.
823
00:49:53,157 --> 00:49:57,286
Unless, I don't know, if I were depressed.
If I had a really rough stretch,
824
00:49:57,369 --> 00:50:01,415
I don't need a gun or a bridge
or you know, I mean, I could...
825
00:50:02,499 --> 00:50:03,792
just go to a 7/11, really.
826
00:50:03,876 --> 00:50:06,462
I'll pop in there
and grab a Reese's peanut butter cup.
827
00:50:06,545 --> 00:50:08,005
I'm not paying for it,
'cause I'm gonna kill myself.
828
00:50:08,088 --> 00:50:09,840
So, I'll just grab the peanut butter...
829
00:50:10,674 --> 00:50:14,136
ram it in my mouth, and just dead,
right in front of the guy at the register.
830
00:50:15,137 --> 00:50:17,556
I'm sure he'd be like,
"What the hell was that about?"
831
00:50:20,017 --> 00:50:22,269
I wouldn't do that.
I'm not gonna do that because...
832
00:50:22,353 --> 00:50:25,898
If you think about it, that's the grossest
form of littering, in a sense.
833
00:50:27,691 --> 00:50:29,068
Anyway, between the two of us,
834
00:50:29,151 --> 00:50:32,738
we're just the worst table
you're ever gonna wait on. It's just...
835
00:50:33,656 --> 00:50:36,617
She finds this place.
We find this kind of healthy place.
836
00:50:36,700 --> 00:50:39,995
We go, we park.
We come inside, it's totally packed.
837
00:50:40,079 --> 00:50:42,873
This is a good sign.
I guess this is a popular restaurant.
838
00:50:42,957 --> 00:50:44,917
There's a table way over
on the other side over here.
839
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:45,876
We get the table.
840
00:50:46,335 --> 00:50:48,671
You got to go up to the register
and order your food,
841
00:50:48,754 --> 00:50:51,590
then they give you a little metal stand
and your number.
842
00:50:51,674 --> 00:50:54,134
They'll bring you the food. So we ordered.
843
00:50:54,218 --> 00:50:57,054
We both get eggs and toast
and some stuff for the kids.
844
00:50:57,137 --> 00:50:58,889
We were sitting, waiting for our food.
845
00:50:58,973 --> 00:51:00,683
Story picks up, I promise. So...
846
00:51:02,601 --> 00:51:04,645
They bring our food out,
I get all my stuff.
847
00:51:04,728 --> 00:51:06,063
She doesn't get her toast.
848
00:51:06,146 --> 00:51:08,357
See, I got the regular toast and the eggs.
849
00:51:08,440 --> 00:51:12,111
But she got the gluten-free toast,
which comes like, one piece at a time,
850
00:51:12,194 --> 00:51:17,658
It's got like rocks and feathers in it.
It's this special sort of dust and clay.
851
00:51:17,741 --> 00:51:19,285
Whatever this thing is.
852
00:51:19,368 --> 00:51:21,287
Looks like a regular piece of toast
from a distance.
853
00:51:21,370 --> 00:51:24,415
If you get closer, it looks like a kid
pieced it together.
854
00:51:24,498 --> 00:51:25,332
She didn't get her toast.
855
00:51:25,416 --> 00:51:28,127
Her eggs are getting cold
and she's getting pissed off.
856
00:51:28,210 --> 00:51:30,963
She's looking, the manager comes out,
"Is everything okay?"
857
00:51:31,046 --> 00:51:32,798
She said,
"I ordered the gluten-free toast.
858
00:51:32,881 --> 00:51:34,466
I haven't gotten it
and my eggs are getting cold."
859
00:51:34,550 --> 00:51:35,634
And he said, "Okay."
860
00:51:35,718 --> 00:51:38,220
Here's where the story picks up.
He goes, "Brian!"
861
00:51:38,304 --> 00:51:39,179
He calls over.
862
00:51:39,263 --> 00:51:41,807
We looked across the room
and standing next to the kitchen door
863
00:51:41,890 --> 00:51:45,311
is Brian, this very Olympic-looking
bus boy with...
864
00:51:46,020 --> 00:51:49,732
just big shoulders, a beard, tiny apron.
865
00:51:49,815 --> 00:51:53,235
He's just a big guy, kind of
a lumberjack-snowboarder hybrid.
866
00:51:53,319 --> 00:51:56,530
He looks like a superhero,
but he's got this ridiculous little apron.
867
00:51:56,613 --> 00:52:00,034
He looks funny to me and I'm like,
"I'm interested, there's something here."
868
00:52:01,118 --> 00:52:02,786
"Brian, gluten-free toast."
869
00:52:02,870 --> 00:52:06,081
The guy just nods,
disappears into the kitchen.
870
00:52:06,165 --> 00:52:07,082
So now we're eating.
871
00:52:07,624 --> 00:52:08,751
And a few minutes later,
872
00:52:08,834 --> 00:52:11,712
I see my wife make a face
I've never seen her make before.
873
00:52:12,087 --> 00:52:15,341
So I look where she's looking,
and there's Brian.
874
00:52:15,424 --> 00:52:18,927
He's come out of the kitchen
with my wife's piece of toast...
875
00:52:19,928 --> 00:52:20,971
in his hand.
876
00:52:24,350 --> 00:52:27,978
He's just making his way
through the crowded restaurant,
877
00:52:28,062 --> 00:52:30,272
just holding the one piece of toast.
878
00:52:30,898 --> 00:52:32,566
I've never had this experience before.
879
00:52:32,649 --> 00:52:37,321
Seeing a grown man carry a piece of toast
bareback through a restaurant, just...
880
00:52:38,489 --> 00:52:41,241
In his hand. In my whole life,
I've just never seen this move.
881
00:52:41,325 --> 00:52:42,826
But he's got the toast...
882
00:52:43,035 --> 00:52:44,870
He gets to our table,
doesn't say anything.
883
00:52:44,953 --> 00:52:46,413
He just holds up the toast.
884
00:52:47,873 --> 00:52:51,335
My wife just takes it in her hands
and she's like, "Thank you?"
885
00:52:51,418 --> 00:52:53,420
And she puts it on the plate.
He walks away.
886
00:52:53,504 --> 00:52:55,589
We both burst out laughing.
We're just like...
887
00:52:56,173 --> 00:52:58,884
I'm immediately taken out of my life
which is incredible.
888
00:52:58,967 --> 00:53:00,928
I've transcended regular experience,
889
00:53:01,011 --> 00:53:04,765
and he's transported me by the simple act
of carrying the toast like that.
890
00:53:05,516 --> 00:53:08,143
I'm now wondering, "Who's Brian?
What's his story? I wanna know about him.
891
00:53:08,227 --> 00:53:10,646
Tell me everything about this guy.
What just happened?"
892
00:53:11,230 --> 00:53:14,775
So, I started immediately theorizing
and saying to my wife,
893
00:53:14,858 --> 00:53:17,861
"I think it's probably one of two things,
what we just witnessed.
894
00:53:17,945 --> 00:53:21,740
Number one, he's being a dick.
He's in a bad mood. He's having a bad day.
895
00:53:21,824 --> 00:53:24,535
And that was it, something just broke."
You know what I mean?
896
00:53:24,618 --> 00:53:26,662
"Maybe the manager
is his uncle or something?
897
00:53:26,745 --> 00:53:29,415
He wasn't supposed to work today,
called him in last minute,
898
00:53:29,498 --> 00:53:30,999
he doesn't even wanna be here.
899
00:53:31,083 --> 00:53:34,253
And your gluten-free toast
was the last straw for Brian."
900
00:53:34,336 --> 00:53:37,840
And he was like, "Goddamn toast.
Here's your stupid toast, lady."
901
00:53:37,923 --> 00:53:41,176
"If your mouth were open, he'd probably
have shoved it right into your mouth.
902
00:53:41,260 --> 00:53:45,264
He's in a bad mood. He's lashing out.
We're caught in the crossfire here."
903
00:53:46,223 --> 00:53:48,767
And I was like,
"Or two, he's not being a dick.
904
00:53:48,851 --> 00:53:51,353
I'm judging him too harshly.
Maybe he's totally nice.
905
00:53:51,437 --> 00:53:54,815
He's a good person. He's just dumb.
He's not a smart guy."
906
00:53:54,898 --> 00:53:57,860
He was just like, "Toast, toast,
got to remember gluten-free toast.
907
00:53:57,943 --> 00:54:01,196
Get the lady her toast.
Got to get the toast. Here's the toast."
908
00:54:01,613 --> 00:54:03,490
Trying to remember one thing,
"Toast, toast, toast."
909
00:54:03,574 --> 00:54:05,075
There he is back in his position,
910
00:54:05,159 --> 00:54:07,744
"More toast, what's next?
Tell me. Tell Brian 'toast.'"
911
00:54:09,621 --> 00:54:11,498
Either way,
I don't think it's a good situation
912
00:54:11,582 --> 00:54:13,417
we've gotten ourselves into here."
913
00:54:13,834 --> 00:54:15,669
Then, she wasn't gonna eat the toast.
914
00:54:15,752 --> 00:54:18,046
And then I started to get philosophical,
915
00:54:18,130 --> 00:54:20,215
'cause I was like,
"Hold on. Think about it.
916
00:54:20,549 --> 00:54:23,927
Okay, so he touched your toast.
But think, when the toast pops up,
917
00:54:24,470 --> 00:54:27,973
they touch the toast, put it on a plate
then bring it to you on a plate.
918
00:54:28,056 --> 00:54:31,143
Is there that big a difference
between going like that with the toast,
919
00:54:31,310 --> 00:54:34,313
and going like this and carrying it
for an extra 80 seconds
920
00:54:34,396 --> 00:54:35,856
and putting it on your plate?"
921
00:54:36,356 --> 00:54:38,317
I'm like, "No. it doesn't really matter."
922
00:54:38,400 --> 00:54:41,653
I was like, "Your toast has been touched.
He touched it in the kitchen.
923
00:54:41,737 --> 00:54:45,532
It's not like they're catching it
on sterile plates. "Can't touch."
924
00:54:45,616 --> 00:54:48,243
I was like, "They touched your toast.
He touched it, wiped his head with it,
925
00:54:48,327 --> 00:54:49,870
they passed it around the kitchen.
926
00:54:51,872 --> 00:54:53,624
It's just like, that's backstage."
927
00:54:53,707 --> 00:54:56,251
I went on this whole thing
about the "theater" of restaurants
928
00:54:56,335 --> 00:54:59,671
and how we're "out in the house"
and that's "backstage."
929
00:54:59,755 --> 00:55:03,342
In the middle of my speech,
I guess we're making kind of a commotion.
930
00:55:03,425 --> 00:55:04,510
The manager comes over,
931
00:55:05,219 --> 00:55:07,346
and he goes to my wife,
"Is everything okay?"
932
00:55:07,429 --> 00:55:09,973
And she goes...
And before she can say anything, he goes,
933
00:55:10,516 --> 00:55:12,476
"Did Brian carry the toast
over in his hand?"
934
00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:21,902
This has happened before.
935
00:55:24,905 --> 00:55:25,948
I think I'm done.
936
00:55:28,825 --> 00:55:29,910
Am I, though?
937
00:55:31,620 --> 00:55:33,121
Good night, everybody. Thank you.
938
00:55:33,705 --> 00:55:34,665
Good night.
80426
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