All language subtitles for Alienators.2017.HDRip.AC3.X264-CMRG-HI

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
ON RADIO]

I'M MITCH STOVER,
INTERNATIONAL DIRECTOR

OF THE CIVILIAN DEPARTMENT
OF UFOLOGY.

WELL, AFTER
THE AIR FORCE TERMINATED
THE PROJECT BLUE BOOK,

THERE WAS NO FORMAL GROUP
DEDICATED TO THE ALIEN
AND UFO PHENOMENON.

SO IN SEPTEMBER, 1970,

I FORMED THE CIVILIAN
DEPARTMENT OF UFOLOGY,

A PRIVATELY-OWNED
AND OPERATED

UFO RESEARCH AND INVESTIGATION
ORGANIZATION.

THE C.D.U. RECEIVES OVER
5,000 UFO REPORTS A YEAR.

90% OF THEM ARE MISIDENTIFIED
NATURAL PHENOMENON,

MAN-MADE ACTIVITIES,
OR CLEVER HOAXES.

10% OF THEM
ARE UNEXPLAINED,

AND THAT'S WHERE
OUR UFOLOGISTS COME IN.

TYPICALLY THEY WILL
HAVE A BACKGROUND IN MATH,
SCIENCE, OR PSYCHOLOGY,

AS WELL AS A PROFOUND DESIRE
TO VOLUNTEER THEIR TIME

TO INVESTIGATE UFO REPORTS.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
ON RADIO]

[MAN]
VIC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU KNOW YOU COULD
GET ARRESTED FOR THAT.

WHAT THE FUCK
IS THIS PLACE, SKOT?

WHOO!

COME ON.

UNBELIEVABLE.

WHAT THE HECK
IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY?

UH, MY NAME
IS SKOT WIMBY,

AND I WAS
THE INVESTIGATOR TRAINEE

UNDER VIC VAN SINGE

ON CASE NUMBER CA-163115,

OTHERWISE KNOWN
AS THE SKYFOREST INCIDENT.

[MAN]
OKAY, SO TELL ME ABOUT
VIC SINGE.

OH, YEAH, WELL,
VIC IS, UM...

HE'S A VERY
INTERESTING GUY.

AND, UH, YOU KNOW,
HE, UM, WELL...

WE'RE ACTUALLY FRIENDS NOW.

-OOH.
-[PHONE BEEPS]

CALL CIVILIAN
DEPARTMENT OF UFOLOGY.

-[PHONE BEEPS]
-[SIRI] CALLING CIVILIAN
DEPARTMENT OF UFOLOGY.

YES, HI.
MY NAME IS SKOT WIMBY,

I'M A TRAINEE
WITH YOUR ORGANIZATION.

COULD YOU LOOK UP VIC SINGE,
AND-- SINGE.

COULD YOU TELL ME IF
HE'S A REGISTERED UFOLOGIST
WITH YOU GUYS OR NOT?

HE IS. OKAY, GOOD.

WELL, HAS HE EVER BEEN
ARRESTED FOR ANYTHING?

WELL, I'M DOCUMENTING A CASE
WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO INVESTIGATE,

AND I ASKED HIM TO PULL OVER
SO I COULD GET SOME
B-ROLL SHOTS,

AND AS SOON AS
I GOT OUT OF THE CAR,
HE JUST TOOK OFF!

I, UH, FIRST BECAME AWARE
OF MR. SINGE

ABOUT EIGHT YEARS AGO

WHEN IT WAS BROUGHT TO MY
ATTENTION THAT A NEW MEMBER
HAD TAKEN THE UFOLOGIST EXAM

FIVE TIMES
BEFORE FINALLY PASSING IT.

[MAN]
IS THAT UNUSUAL?

IT'S AN OPEN-BOOK EXAM
YOU TAKE AT HOME.

OKAY, WELL, IT'S BEEN
ALMOST AN HOUR.

UM, I'D BETTER CALL A CAB
BEFORE MY BATTERY DIES.

-[CAR HONKS]
-OH, WAIT, THERE HE IS!

OKAY, I'LL CALL YOU WHEN
I GET TO THE CLIENT'S HOUSE.

BYE, MOM.

[VIC]
HI, HONEY, I'M HOME!

[MAN]
HOW DID VIC SINGE END UP
WITH THE SKYFOREST CASE?

UH, WELL, HE CERTAINLY WASN'T
MY FIRST CHOICE FOR THE CASE--

ANY CASE, REALLY.

BUT THE C.D.U. 24-HOUR HOTLINE

RANDOMLY SELECTS
FROM A LIST OF INVESTIGATORS

THAT HAVE VOLUNTEERED TO TAKE
UFO REPORTS AFTER HOURS.

REGRETTABLY...

MR. SINGE
WAS ON THAT LIST.

[LINE RINGING]

[VIC]
WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?

[WOMAN]
HI, YES, IS THIS
THE UFO HOTLINE?

[VIC]
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

IT'S 4:00
IN THE GODDAMN MORNING.

[WOMAN]
IT'S BEEN COMING AROUND
FOR THE PAST FEW MONTHS

-WATCHING ME.
-[VIC] WHAT?

[WOMAN]
THE THING, THE UFO.

I'M LOOKING AT IT THROUGH
MY WINDOW RIGHT NOW.

[VIC]
LADY, IF YOU THINK THERE'S
A UFO OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW,

WHY AREN'T YOU VIDEOTAPING
THE FUCKING THING?

[WOMAN]
I DON'T OWN A VIDEO CAMERA.

[VIC]
YOU'VE HAD A UFO
WATCHING YOU FOR MONTHS,

AN OPPORTUNITY THAT
COULD HAVE EARTH-SHATTERING
HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE,

AND YOU DON'T OWN
A GODDAMN VIDEO CAMERA?

[WOMAN]
I DON'T WANT TO VIDEOTAPE
THE DAMN THING.

-I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY.
-[VIC] OH, CHRIST.

[WOMAN]
PLEASE, YOU HAVE TO
BELIEVE ME.

I'VE TRIED CALLING
THE POLICE,

BUT THEY WON'T TAKE ME
SERIOUSLY.

-[VIC] NO SHIT.
-[WOMAN SCOFFS]

WHAT THE HELL
KIND OF HOTLINE IS THIS?

ARE YOU GONNA
HELP ME OR NOT?

[VIC]
OH, CHRIST.
HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?

[WOMAN GASPS]
EXCUSE ME?

[VIC]
ARE YOU THIN, FAT, WHAT?
COME ON.

[WOMAN]
WELL, THIN TO AVERAGE,
I GUESS. WHY?

[VIC]
OH, GOD.

OKAY, FUCK IT.
WHAT'S YOUR ADDRESS?

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
ON RADIO]

[SKOT]
OKAY, I GOT IT.

YOU CAN COME BACK
AND GET ME NOW.

-[CAR HONKS]
-COME ON!

OH, SURPRISE.
HE ACTUALLY CAME BACK.

OH, LOOKS GOOD, VIC.

BUT CAN YOU PULL UP
JUST A LITTLE BIT FURTHER?

OH, OH, OH, OH!
TOO FAR, TOO FAR, TOO FAR.

OKAY, BACK UP, BACK UP.

[SCOFFS]
NEVER MIND.

THIS GUY'S IMPOSSIBLE
TO WORK WITH.

HELLO.
SKOT WIMBY VIDEO DIARY

FOR THE CIVILIAN
DEPARTMENT OF UFOLOGY,

CASE NUMBER CA-163115,

LOCATION--
SKYFOREST, CALIFORNIA.

LEAD UFOLOGIST
IS VIC VAN SINGE,

AND I, SKOT WIMBY,
WILL BE DOUBLING AS
THE UFOLOGIST TRAINEE

SLASH TECH MANAGER.

NOW WE'RE HERE
AT THE CLIENT'S HOUSE,

JESSA GWILLIAMS,

WHO-- SHE CLAIMS THAT
UFOS HAVE BEEN WATCHING HER

FOR THE PAST SEVERAL MONTHS,

-AND WE PLAN TO--
-[CAR HORN HONKS]

OH, OKAY, I GOTTA GO.

I'LL TALK TO YOU SOON.
OKAY, BYE.

OH, JESUS. OH, FUCK.

HELLO? MRS. UH--
FUCK, WHAT WAS IT?

-MRS. UH...
-[SKOT] GWILLIAMS.
JESSA GWILLIAMS.

RIGHT, YEAH. MRS. WILLIAMS?
MRS. WILLIAMS?

-HELLO?
-[JESSA] IT'S GWILLIAMS.

-MISS GWILLIAMS.
-HUH?

[JESSA]
MY LAST NAME IS GWILLIAMS
WITH A "G"

-AND I'M NOT MARRIED.
-OKAY, YEAH.

I DON'T REALLY GIVE A FUCK.

I'M WITH THE C.D.U.
WE TALKED ON THE PHONE.

[JESSA]
COULD YOU TAKE OFF
YOUR SUNGLASSES?

-WHAT?
-[JESSA] YOUR SUNGLASSES.
I DON'T LIKE THEM.

-CAN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
-IS SHE FUCKING SERIOUS?

THERE, HAPPY?

AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
PUT OUT THAT CIGARETTE, TOO.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT, LADY?
IT'S BEEN A LONG-ASS DRIVE

AND I REALLY NEED
TO TAKE A SHIT,

SO EITHER OPEN UP
THE GODDAMN DOOR

AND LET ME USE
YOUR FUCKING TOILET,

OR I'LL EVISCERATE
YOUR LITTLE FLOWER PATCH,

GET IN MY FUCKING CAR,
AND LEAVE.

WHAT'LL IT BE?

-[SKOT] VIC, COME ON.
-SHUT THE FUCK UP.

-[LOCKS CLICKING]
-THAT'S A GIRL.

-YEAH.
-HEY, NO, NO.
I NEED SOME ID.

I AM THIS CLOSE TO COMMITTING
A FUCKING HATE CRIME.

GODDAMMIT.

FUCKING DOESN'T ANYBODY
TRUST A FUCKING...

THERE YOU GO.

YEAH. [SNIFFS]
ARE YOU FUCKING DRUNK?

-NO.
-OKAY, SO WE'VE ESTABLISHED

OUR CLIENT'S A FUCKING LIAR.

-I AM NOT A LIAR.
-BULLSHIT.

-GET OUT OF MY WAY.
-[SKOT] VIC!

LIKE IT SAYS ON THE CARD--
SINGE, VIC SINGE.

THIS GUY HERE,
HE'S, UH...

-WHAT THE FUCK'S YOUR NAME?
-UH, SKOT.

YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
SKOT WIMPY.

HE'S MY MILDLY-AUTISTIC
INVESTIGATOR TRAINEE.

[SKOT]
WIM-BY. SKOT WIMBY.

-NICE TO MEET YOU.
-OKAY, LISTEN UP, EVERYBODY.

I'M ABOUT TO LAY A MOUNTAIN
OF TOXICITY IN HERE.

SO NOBODY LIGHT A MATCH
FOR THE NEXT 45 MINUTES.

WHEN I'M DONE,
I WANT TO SEE ALL

YOUR LITTLE FUCKING EVIDENCE,
OKAY, BABE?

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

OH, OKAY.

[SKOT]
HERE'S MY ID.

THIS IS FUCKING GORGEOUS.
YOU LANDSCAPE THIS YOURSELF?

NOTHING'S GROWN HERE
IN A WHILE.

I MEAN, AT LEAST NOT SINCE
I FIRST SAW THE... YOU KNOW.

-[SKOT] THE UFO.
-YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, WHATEVER.

SO THEY WATCH YOU.
WHAT ELSE?

WELL, THE LAST TIME
I SAW IT, I WAS, UM--

I WAS LOOKING OUT
THAT WINDOW

OVER THERE
AND IT WAS RIGHT HERE.

YEAH, IS IT THE SAME UFO
THAT'S WATCHING YOU EVERY TIME?

YEAH, IT'S ALWAYS
THE SAME ONE.

WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?

YOU KNOW, IT'S BIG
AND IT'S BLACK.

SO'S MY FUCKING COCK.
WHAT ELSE?

-I DON'T KNOW.
-OKAY, DID YOU SEE
THE GODDAMN THING?

YES, I SAW IT.
IT HAS, UM, LIKE A--

IT HAS A BLUE LIGHT
THAT SORT OF SPINS AROUND
THE MIDDLE,

AND IT KIND OF LOOKS
LIKE A HAT.

YOU KNOW, LIKE ONE OF
THOSE BOWLER HATS?

-A FUCKING HAT.
-YEAH.

THAT'S THE BEST DESCRIPTION
YOUR LIMITED VOCABULARY
CAN COME UP WITH?

WOW, YOU GETTING THIS?

WELL, IT DOESN'T
LOOK LIKE A PLANE

OR A BLIMP OR A BALLOON

OR ANYTHING ELSE I'VE EVER
SEEN BEFORE, YOU JERK.

-WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
-[DEVICE HONKS]

[SKOT] THIS?
OH, IT MEASURES UNCOMMON

OR ANOMALOUS
ENERGY SIGNATURES.

WHAT THE FUCK
DID YOU JUST SAY?

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE
MY NEWEST INVENTION.

THIS DEVICE CAN DISTINGUISH
COMMON FORMS OF ENERGY

FOUND HERE ON EARTH
FROM MORE UNCOMMON SIGNATURES

PRODUCED BY THINGS
LIKE ATMOSPHERIC IONIZATION,

NEGATIVE MASS,
ZERO POINT ENERGY,

AND ANTI-GRAVITY FIELDS--

TYPES OF ENERGY SPECIFICALLY
ASSOCIATED WITH UFOS.

I CALL IT THE U-METER.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT
WHAT YOU CALL IT.

-IT'S FUCKING ANNOYING.
-LOOK WHO'S TALKING.

-I HEARD THAT, BITCH.
-I WASN'T WHISPERING, ASSHOLE.

-OOH, YOU WANNA GO?
-OOH.

-[DEVICE HONKING]
-OOH, IT WORKS.

WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT DOES THAT--
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

DOES THAT MEAN IT'S BACK?
IS THAT WHAT IT MEANS?

[SKOT]
NO, NO, THE SIGNAL'S
PRETTY WEAK,

BUT I AM DEFINITELY GETTING
SOME RESIDUAL ENERGY.

BULLSHIT. IT'S PROBABLY
THOSE FUCKING POWER LINES

OR SOME RADIOACTIVE
DINOSAUR SHIT.

-WHO THE FUCK KNOWS?
-[SKOT] NO, MY DEVICE
KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE

-BETWEEN--
-YOUR DEVICE CAN GO
FUCK ITSELF.

HAS HE EVER SEEN ANY EVIDENCE
THAT IMPRESSED HIM?

[SKOT] I DON'T KNOW.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I'VE EVER WORKED WITH HIM.

YOU KNOW WHAT, LADY?
YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD
IMPRESS ME?

IF THERE WAS A SPACESHIP
RIGHT THE FUCK THERE

WITH LITTLE SPACE ALIENS
SELLING SPACE BURGERS
AT THE HELM.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU HAD PICTURES OF
THIS FUCKING FLYING HAT.

-I DO.
-WELL, THEN, WHY ARE YOU
SHOWING ME DIRT?

WHY DON'T YOU SHOW ME
SOME GODDAMN EVIDENCE?

-[SKOT] VIC!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
-FUCK YOU!

UH, SORRY.

STRICT PROCEDURE,
AND A STRONG CODE OF ETHICS

ARE KEYS TO THE SUCCESS
OF ANY SCIENTIFIC ORGANIZATION

IN ITS GOAL
TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

AND THAT IS WHY I CREATED
THE UFOLOGIST'S HANDBOOK.

[SKOT]
WHILE THE PRIMARY AIM
OF INVESTIGATION

IS GATHERING DATA
FOR SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH,

THE WELFARE OF THE WITNESS
SHOULD BE TOP PRIORITY
FOR ALL UFOLOGISTS.

REMEMBER, THESE ARE PEOPLE
THAT RELY ON YOU FOR ANSWERS.

REFRAIN FROM ANY ACTION
OR ATTITUDE

THAT COULD CAUSE A WITNESS
CONCERN OR DISTRESS.

VIC.

[VIC]
BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT.
BULLSHIT.

FUCKING BULLSHIT.

WHAT THE FUCK? BULLSHIT.

BULLSH--
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

IF YOU TELL ME THIS IS
YOUR FUCKING ALIEN,

I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU
IN THE GODDAMN MOUTH.

NO, I DON'T KNOW
HOW THAT GOT IN THERE.

BULLSHIT.
MORE BULLSHIT.

THESE ARE NOT BULLSHIT.
I TOOK THEM MYSELF, YOU KNOW.

-STUPID BULLSHIT.
-OH, JESUS.

WHAT THE FUCK?
GREAT JOB.

YOU CAUGHT SOME
BLURRY SPECKS IN THE SKY
AND A FUCKING ELEPHANT.

LOOK, I KNOW HOW THIS
MUST SOUND,

BUT I SWEAR TO GOD,
I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.

AND WHO THE FUCK
USES FILM ANYMORE?

GET A FUCKING DIGITAL.
JESUS.

[SKOT]
UH, VIC, YOU KNOW
IT'S ACTUALLY HARDER

TO DOCTOR FILM PRINTS
THAN IT IS DIGITAL PHOTOS.

OH, REALLY?
WHO THE FUCK ASKED YOU,
DICKWAD?

AND HOW CAN YOU
AFFORD THIS CABIN?

-IT'S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.
-WELL, IF YOU MUST KNOW,

MY PARENTS LEFT IT TO ME
WHEN THEY DIED.

AWW.

AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL BAD
FOR YOU NOW?

BOO FUCKING HOO.

DO YOU EVEN HAVE
A GODDAMN JOB?

YEAH, AROUND TOWN.

-WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO?
-I AM AN ARTIST.

-SO YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED?
-NO.

-IS THIS ONE OF YOURS?
-YES.

WOW, YOUR SISTER
GOT NO ARMS?

YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO?

-WHAT DO I DO?
-YEAH, WHAT DO YOU DO?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I DO.

I VOLUNTEER MY PRECIOUS TIME
TO INVESTIGATE BULLSHIT CLAIMS

OF OUT OF WORK NUTJOBS
WHO LIVE BY THEMSELVES

IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE
OF BUTTFUCK, USA,

SPENDING UNEMPLOYMENT CHECKS

TO GET BOOZE AND GET SHITFACED
EVERY FUCKING NIGHT

AND HALLUCINATE
ABOUT SEEING UFOS,
THAT'S WHAT I DO.

-YOU KNOW WHAT?
-YOU GOT A PROBLEM?

-SCREW YOU, ASSHOLE.
-FUCK.

YOU GET THE HELL
OUT OF MY HOUSE,
RIGHT NOW!

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M CONFUSED!

DO YOU WANT TO FUCK ME
OR DO YOU WANT TO
KICK ME OUT?

-[SKOT] VIC!
-GET OUT OF HERE!

[SKOT] OKAY,
YOU CAN HIT MY FACE,

BUT NOT THE CAMERA,
NOT THE CAMERA! OW!

[VIC] OH, YEAH,
YOU'RE FANTASTIC.

GET THAT PIECE OF SHIT CAR,

AND GET OFF MY PROPERTY
BEFORE I CALL THE COPS.

OH, YEAH, I'M SURE
THE COPS WILL RUSH RIGHT
THE FUCK OUT HERE

TO SEE WHAT THE CRAZY,
DRUNK UFO LADY WANTS.

WOW, WHAT A MESS.

[SKOT]
NICE WORK, VIC.

WAIT FOR IT.

ONE, TWO...

-THREE.
-[JENNA] WAIT.

LOOK, I DON'T--

I DON'T KNOW
WHO ELSE TO CALL, OKAY?

AND THERE'S
SOMETHING GOING ON HERE
THAT I CAN'T EXPLAIN,

BUT IF YOU STAY LONG ENOUGH
I PROMISE YOU YOU WILL
SEE SOMETHING.

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME,
WHY DON'T YOU BE A GOOD
LITTLE MOUNTAIN MAMA

AND COOK US UP
SOME VITTLES?

[SKOT]
OKAY, SO THESE ARE
THE PICTURES THAT JESSA TOOK.

VIC FLIPPED THROUGH THEM
PRETTY QUICKLY EARLIER,

SO I WANTED TO GET A BETTER
DOCUMENTATION OF ALL OF THEM.

UM, ALL RIGHT,
SO YOU CAN SEE HERE,

THIS IS THE HAT-SHAPED UFO,
AS JESSA DESCRIBES IT,

THAT HAS BEEN WATCHING HER
FOR THE PAST SEVERAL MONTHS.

VERY INTERESTING,
AND THEY'RE QUITE CLEAR, TOO.
THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.

BUT IT'S REALLY HARD TO TELL
EXACTLY WHAT THE OBJECT IS.

AND WITHOUT ANY REAL DATA,
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE

TO BE ABLE TO ASSESS
SIZE OR DISTANCE.

UM, I DON'T KNOW.

VIC SEEMS LIKE HE'S ALREADY
GOT HIS MIND MADE UP
ABOUT THIS CASE,

BUT I'D AT LEAST LIKE TO
STICK AROUND TILL TONIGHT
AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

UNLESS, OF COURSE, HE SAYS
SOMETHING TO GET US KICKED OUT.

HMM.

VIC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I NEED YOU OVER BY JESSA.

OH, IT'S ANOTHER
CHICK WITH NO ARMS.

-NICE TITS, THOUGH.
-[JESSA] VERY FUNNY.

[SKOT]
VIC, PLEASE,
IF YOU GO OVER THERE,

WE CAN ACTUALLY START.

OOH, A LOOK INTO
A CRAZY WOMAN'S MIND.

[JESSA]
COME ON, THAT'S MY SKETCHBOOK,

AND I DON'T WANT YOUR
GREASY FINGERS ALL OVER IT.

-WHAT'S THIS?
-DO YOU MIND?

-[SKOT] OKAY, JESSA.
-WHAT? NO.

[SKOT]
WE'RE JUST GONNA START.

JUST IGNORE HIM
AND HE'LL JOIN US.

SO LET'S JUST START.
IT LOOKS REALLY GOOD.

-SO, GO AHEAD.
-OKAY.

SO THE, UM-- THE PICTURES OF
THE UFO THAT I SHOWED YOU?

RIGHT, RIGHT,
THE FLYING FUCKING HAT.

WHATEVER.

I USUALLY SEE IT OUT OF
THESE WINDOWS OVER HERE.

-I SEE IT OVER HERE A LOT.
-OVER THERE?

-MM-HMM.
-WOW.

DO YOU SEE IT NOW?

-NO.
-[VIC LAUGHS]

[SKOT]
IS THAT THE SAME DIRECTION
WHERE YOU SHOWED US OUTSIDE?

UH, NO, THAT WAS IN
THE BACKYARD IN THAT DIRECTION,

BUT I ONLY SAW IT
THAT ONE TIME,

AND I ONLY SEE IT
THAT CLOSE ONCE.

WHEN WAS YOUR LAST
EXPERIENCE IN HERE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHEN WAS THE LAST
TIME I SAW THE UFO?

NO, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU FUCKED IN HERE?

[SKOT]
VIC, COME ON! JEEZ.

WHAT? IT'S A VALID QUESTION.
WE'RE IN THE BEDROOM.

ARE YOU EVEN
A LICENSED INVESTIGATOR?

YOU THINK THEY GIVE LICENSES
OUT TO INVESTIGATE UFOS?

THE C.D.U. WAS STARTED
IN SOME DUDE'S GARAGE,
FOR CHRISSAKE.

-WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
-LISTEN, IT ALL COMES
DOWN TO EVIDENCE,

AND EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN
GIVING US IS ANECDOTAL,

-AND DOESN'T MEAN SHIT.
-SO THIS VIC GUY, WOW.

I MEAN,
HE PEES EVERYWHERE,

AND EVERY OTHER WORD
OUT OF HIS MOUTH

IS "BLEEP THIS",
AND "BLEEP THAT",

AND "BLEEP YOU".

I GET THE IDEA OF BEING
A LITTLE SKEPTICAL,

BUT IT SAYS VERY CLEARLY
IN THE UFOLOGIST'S HANDBOOK,

THE WITNESS MUST BE ALLOWED

TO RECOUNT EVERYTHING
THEY'VE SEEN

WITHOUT INTERRUPTION
IN ORDER TO BEST INSURE

THE OPPORTUNITY
FOR A FULL ACCOUNT.

BUY, HEY, I UNDERSTAND.

THIS FIELD OF WORK CAN BE
REALLY FRUSTRATING.

I MEAN, THE ROSWELL CASE
WAS WHAT, 70 YEARS AGO?

AND WHAT PROOF DO WE HAVE
TODAY THAT ALIENS ARE REAL?

NADA. 70 YEARS.

MAN, THOUSANDS,
IF YOU BELIEVE SOME PEOPLE.

THIS IS MY 13TH CASE
IN TWO YEARS,

AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM
HAS TURNED UP NOTHING.

ALL OF THEM--
EITHER A HOAX,

MISIDENTIFIED
NATURAL PHENOMENON,

OR AN IDENTIFIED
FLYING OBJECT.

I JUST WISH
THAT AT SOME POINT,

ONE OF THESE WILL TURN UP
SOMETHING AUTHENTIC.

WELL, I NEED TO
GO AND GET SET UP

FOR MY FIRST NIGHT
OF INVESTIGATING.

SO WISH ME LUCK.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

ALL RIGHT, I'VE BEEN OUT HERE
A LITTLE WHILE NOW

AND HAVEN'T REALLY
SEEN ANYTHING,

JUST THE OCCASIONAL AIRPLANE,

HELICOPTER, OR SOMETIMES
EVEN A SATELLITE.

IT'S NICE OUT HERE, THOUGH.

VERY ISOLATED.

I CAN DEFINITELY SEE
HOW SOMEONE

MIGHT START IMAGINING THINGS,

WITH OR WITHOUT ALCOHOL.

OH, GOSH, VIC.
HE'S ASLEEP.

DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO COME OUT
AND INVESTIGATE WITH ME.

HE JUST THINKS
JESSA'S A LONELY WOMAN

WITH A DRINKING PROBLEM.

MAYBE HE'S RIGHT.

FOR THE RECORD, I REALLY DO
BELIEVE IN THIS STUFF.

I JOINED THE C.D.U.
BECAUSE I REALLY,

REALLY WANT TO SEE A UFO
WITH MY OWN EYES,

OR BETTER YET,
MEET AN ACTUAL ALIEN.

IF YOU'RE OUT THERE
WATCHING,

LISTENING TO ME RIGHT NOW,

JUST KNOW THAT I WOULD
REALLY LIKE TO MEET YOU,

AND THEN YOU DON'T
HAVE TO BE AFRAID.

OKAY.

WELL...

YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME.

[SKOT WHISTLING]

SO I JUST HEARD
JESSA SCREAM.

I THINK.

I GUESS I HAVE TO--

YEAH, I'LL GO CHECK IT OUT.

GETTING SOME
WEIRD INTERFERENCE.

-[BEEPING]
-WHOA, WHAT WAS THAT?

JESSA?
JESSA, ARE YOU IN HERE?

[BEEPING, STATIC]

VIC, ARE YOU AWAKE?

[VIC]
SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I'M TRYING TO SLEEP
DOWN HERE!

[SKOT]
JESSA'S NOT IN HER ROOM.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE IS?

[VIC]
I DON'T KNOW,
ON A BOOZE RUN?

HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?

[SKOT]
WHAT THE-- OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!

VIC, GET UP HERE RIGHT NOW!
SOMETHING JUST HAPPENED!

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

[VIC] WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU TWO DOING UP HERE?

[SKOT] I JUST SAW JESSA!

I SAW-- JESSA WAS FLOATING!
JESSA WAS FLOATING!

[VIC]
BULLSHIT.

[SKOT]
NO! NO, TELL HIM,
JESSA. TELL--

[STUTTERING]
FOUR... LITTLE... THINGS.

[SKOT]
THINGS? WHAT THINGS? WHAT?

-THERE'S CATS. CAT.
-[SKOT] CATS?

[VIC]
DID SHE SAYS
"CATS" OR "HATS"?

THERE'S A CAT--
SOMETHING GRABBED MY ARM,

AND I STARTED RISING UP,
AND I FELT LIKE I COULDN'T--

[SKOT]
OKAY, WHICH ARM?

UM, MY LEFT ONE, I THINK.

[SKOT]
OKAY, CAN YOU
PULL YOUR SLEEVE BACK?

WHOA, WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT IS THAT?

[VIC]
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU
PULLING THAT SHIT OUT?

[SKOT]
ALL RIGHT, IT'S JUST A LIGHT.

I JUST WANT
TO CHECK SOMETHING.

NO, NO, NO, NO!
GET IT AWAY FROM ME!

[SKOT]
OKAY, OKAY.

HOW ABOUT IF YOU TAKE IT?

YOU TAKE IT, AND JUST
SHINE IT ON YOUR ARM

WHERE YOU THINK
THEY GRABBED YOU.

[RADIO STATIC]

OH, MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?

[SKOT]
FINGERPRINTS.

SO THEY WERE IN HERE.
THEY WERE--

THEY WERE IN HERE.

[VIC]
THEY WERE A NIGHTMARE,

JUST LIKE THE ONE
I'M GONNA HAVE

AFTER SEEING YOU
WITHOUT MAKEUP.

SHUT UP, VIC.

WAIT, ARE YOU--

[SKOT]
VIC, SERIOUSLY?

WHAT? I SLEEP NAKED.
WHO GIVES A FUCK?

-[FARTS]
-[SKOT] UGH!

OKAY, SORRY IF
I'M A LITTLE JUMPY.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

I'M JUST TRYING TO WRAP MY MIND
AROUND WHAT I JUST SAW.

I AM PRETTY CERTAIN
THAT I JUST WALKED IN

ON JESSA BEING ABDUCTED.

SHE ALSO SAID
SOMETHING ABOUT--

ABOUT SEEING THESE CATS,
LIKE, FOUR CATS.

BUT I DON'T KNOW,
'CAUSE I'VE READ THAT ALIENS

CAN REPLACE THE IMAGE
OF WHAT PEOPLE

ARE SEEING WHEN
THEY ABDUCT THEM.

SO, OWLS ARE
THE MOST COMMON IMAGERY,

BUT JESSA SAID THAT SHE SAW...

CATS.

CREEPY.

I-- OH, GOSH,
I CAN'T SHAKE THE FEELING

THAT I'M BEING WATCHED.

AND NOT JUST
FROM ONE DIRECTION,

BUT FROM EVERYWHERE.

ANYWAY, I THINK THERE MIGHT
ACTUALLY BE SOMETHING

TO THIS CASE AFTER ALL,

AND IT'S ONLY
THE FIRST NIGHT.

WELL, GOSH, IT'S LATE.

I SHOULD REALLY
TRY AND GET SOME SLEEP.

I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL BE
ABLE TO AFTER THAT, THOUGH.

SO VIC WANTS TO LEAVE.
HE THINKS JESSA'S CRAZY.

I GET IT, BUT HE DIDN'T SEE
WHAT I SAW LAST NIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? NO, NO.
WE CAN'T GO, NOT YET.

I MEAN, BECAUSE SOMETHING IS
DEFINITELY GOING ON HERE.

I MEAN, THESE ALIENS,
THEY WOULDN'T JUST
SHOW UP ON CUE

LIKE THIS IS SOME MOVIE
OR TV SHOW.

WE NEED TO BE PATIENT.

AND JESSA EVEN PROMISED--
NOT SAID, BUT PROMISED

THAT IF WE WAIT LONG ENOUGH,

WE'LL DEFINITELY
SEE SOMETHING.

AND I ALREADY HAVE
IN ONE NIGHT!

SO I THINK IF VIC JUST
WAITS A LITTLE MORE,

THEN HE'LL SEE SOMETHING, TOO,

AND IT'LL CHANGE EVERYTHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH.

I'M GONNA GO SEE IF
I CAN'T CONVINCE HIM TO STAY

JUST A LITTLE LONGER.

OKAY, OKAY, SO...

SO VIC SAID HE'D STAY
FOR ONE MORE DAY.

SO I JUST HAD TO AGREE TO
VIDEOTAPE THESE REHEARSALS

FOR AN AIR GUITAR CONTEST THAT
HE'S COMPETING IN NEXT MONTH,

WHATEVER THAT IS.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

[GUNSHOT]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[SKOT]
WHAT?

-[GUNSHOT]
-OH, FUCK. COME ON.

[SKOT]
WHAT IS THAT?

[GUNSHOT]

[JESSA]
YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME,
YOU ASSHOLES!

[SKOT]
OH, MY GOSH.

[VIC]
YO, PSYCHO-HOLIC,
WHAT THE--

-[GUNSHOT]
-WHOA!

-OH, MY GOSH!
-SHIT. SORRY.

[VIC]
YOU ALMOST SHOT ME,
YOU CRAZY BITCH!

I SAW THEM AGAIN
RIGHT OVER THERE.

FUCK YOU! FUCK THIS!

COME ON, LET'S FUCKING
GET OUT OF HERE.

[SKOT]
I'M FINE, VIC, THANKS.

-[JESSA] PLEASE.
-NO WAY, THE CASE IS CLOSED.

I'M FILING IT UNDER
"B" FOR "BULLSHIT."

BUT YOU CAN'T GO.
YOU CAN'T GO.

I NEED YOU GUYS.
I NEED YOU.

NOT TO MENTION THIS--

YOU ALMOST SHOT OFF
THE KING OF GENITALIA.

I SAID I WAS SORRY,
BUT I SAW THEM!

I SAW THEM!
THEY WERE RIGHT THERE.

YEAH, YEAH, MAYBE YOU DID
AND MAYBE YOU DIDN'T,

BUT NO WONDER
NOBODY BELIEVES YOU.

YOU COMPLETELY
DISCREDIT YOURSELF,
YOU DRUNKEN WHORE.

HEY! HEY, YOU HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT IT'S LIKE!

NO IDEA!
IF I DIDN'T DO SOMETHING--

IF I DIDN'T DO SOMETHING
TO NUMB MYSELF,

I WOULD HAVE KILLED
MYSELF BY NOW.

-NAH, TOO EASY.
-NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO.
DON'T YOU GET IT?

DON'T YOU GET IT?
THEY WANT YOU GUYS TO LEAVE.

THEY WANT YOU TO LEAVE
SO THAT THEY CAN TAKE ME.

HAVE A NICE TRIP. DRIVE.

[SKOT]
THANKS FOR THE SANDWICHES,
MISS GWILLIAMS.

[VIC] HA, HA, HA!
LOOK AT THAT SHIT.

-[SKOT] VIC, COME ON.
-[VIC] TOODLEOO!

[HORN HONKS]

[SKOT]
WOW, THAT'S JUST KIND OF SAD.

[VIC]
SHUT THE FUCK UP.

[ROCK MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO]

[SKOT]
YEAH, IT'S ON,
BUT WHY DON'T YOU

-JUST LET ME SHOOT--
-[VIC] I GOT IT, COME ON.

-[SKOT] WHERE IS IT?
I DON'T SEE IT.
-[VIC] RIGHT THERE.

IT WAS KIND OF MOVING IN
AND OUT OF THE CLOUDS.

I SWEAR TO CHRIST,
IT WAS FOLLOWING US.

[SKOT]
OH, WOW, I SEE IT.

[VIC]
FUCK ME IF IT DOES KINDA
LOOK LIKE A GODDAMN HAT.

[SKOT]
VIC, ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE RECORDING?

IS THE RED LIGHT ON?

[VIC]
YEAH, BUT-- SON OF A--

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE FOCUS
ON THIS PIECE OF SHIT?

[SKOT]
NO! IT'S ON MANUAL!
HERE, LET ME.

-[VIC] HURRY UP, FOCUS IT!
-[SKOT] WHOA!

-[RUMBLING]
-[VIC] JESUS!

[CAR DOORS SLAM]

-VIC, DID WE JUST--
-YEAH, I THINK
WE JUST FUCKING DID.

[BOTH LAUGHING, CHEERING]

I GUESS THIS MEANS
WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO JESSA'S.

THE RED LIGHT'S ON.

WHAT THE FUCK?
GOD DAMN.

NOTE TO SKOT,

NEXT TIME I WANT
MY OWN FUCKING CAMERA

THAT I CAN
JUST POINT AND SHOOT.

NONE OF THIS MANUAL FOCUS
AND IRIS SHIT. GOT IT?

[SKOT]
THIS CAMERA ISN'T
THAT HARD TO USE.

FUCK YOU.

-[VIC] HELLO! ANYBODY HOME?
-[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

ALCOHOL DELIVERY MAN.

FREE XANAX SAMPLES!

OOH.

[SKOT]
OH, VIC, VIC,
I REALLY DON'T THINK

WE SHOULD BE SNEAKING IN
THE HOUSE OF A DRUNK WOMAN

WHO HAD A GUN
THE LAST TIME WE SAW HER.

STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY.

SHE'S PROBABLY
PASSED OUT SOMEWHERE.

JEEZ.

GOT A LITTLE WHINY BABY
ON OUR HANDS.

OOH. YEAH.

AHH!

WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE?

OH, JUST LIKE I SAID.

SHE GOT A NICE ASS.

[SKOT]
VIC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[VIC]
SHUT THE FUCK UP.

IS IT STILL CONSIDERED RAPE
IF I YELL "SURPRISE"?

[SKOT] VIC.

-STOP, STOP, STOP.
-SHUT THE FUCK UP.

YOU'RE RECORDING,
RIGHT, BABY?

[SKOT]
YEAH, BUT I REALLY
DON'T THINK WE SHOULD--

-[IMITATING LOUD ROCK MUSIC]
-[JESSA SCREAMING]

-OH, JESUS!
-NO! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!

CALM THE FUCK DOWN! JESUS!

-CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN.
-GO AWAY, GO AWAY!

-STOP IT, GODDAMMIT!
-[JESSA SCREAMING]

STOP, STOP.

GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF.

JESUS.

-YEAH.
-IT'S YOU.

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS LEFT.

YEAH, AND LIKE JESUS,
WE CAME BACK. FUCK.

[SKOT]
HEY, JESSA.

WHY? YOU MISS
MAKING FUN OF ME?

NO, I COULD HAVE
DONE THAT ON THE PHONE.

WE CAME BACK BECAUSE
WE SAW YOUR U.F.F.H.

MY WHAT?

UNIDENTIFIED
FUCKING FLYING HAT.

WAIT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

THAT'S RIGHT,
I'M SAYING I BELIEVE YOU,
YOU CRAZY BITCH.

-YOU SAW IT?
-YEAH.

YOU SAW IT? IT'S REAL?

IT'S REAL? OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!
I'M NOT LOSING MY MIND.

LET'S NOT GET AHEAD
OF OUR FUCKING SELVES.

I NEED A BEER.

GET THIS.

WE'RE HEADING
DOWN THE MOUNTAIN,

AND VIC AND I HAD A CLOSE
ENCOUNTER OF THE FIRST KIND.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

AFTER TWO YEARS
OF DOING THIS,

I FINALLY SAW
MY VERY FIRST UFO.

THE ONLY DRAWBACK IS
I LET VIC RUN THE CAMERA.

HE SCREWED--
IT DOESN'T MATTER,

IT DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSE
I WILL NEVER FORGET WHAT I SAW.

I MEAN,
I KNOW THE TRUTH NOW.

WE'RE NOT ALONE.

WOW. OH, AND
THE REALLY GOOD NEWS

IS VIC IS TOTALLY IN
ON THIS CASE NOW.

ONE LAST THOUGHT.

HAVING THE ANSWER
TO ONE OF HUMANITY'S
GREATEST QUESTIONS

IS ACTUALLY KIND OF SCARY,

BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE
THEY KNOW THAT I KNOW.

MAYBE THEY'LL COME
AND VISIT ME NOW.

MAYBE EVEN ABDUCT ME.

FINGERS CROSSED.

JULY 14TH WAS THE FIRST TIME

I BECAME AWARE
OF THE SKYFOREST CASE.

ACTUALLY, IT WAS
THE MORNING OF JULY 15TH--

VERY EARLY IN THE MORNING.

I STILL HAVE NO IDEA
HOW MR. SINGE

GOT AHOLD OF MY PRIVATE
HOME PHONE NUMBER.

YEAH, SHE WENT
ON A DRUNKEN RAGE,

STARTED SHOOTING
AT THE SKY AND SHIT,

SO I GOT THE FUCK
OUT OF DODGE.

-[SKOT] OH, JEEZ.
-AND THAT'S WHEN

I SAW THE UFO
ON HIGHWAY 18.

[MITCH] WAIT, WHAT
IS THIS, A JOKE?

NO IT'S NOT A FUCKING JOKE.

BOTH SKOT AND I SAW
THE GODDAMN THING.

[MITCH]
OKAY, WELL-- WELL, LISTEN,
CAN THIS WAIT UNTIL MORNING?

NO, I NEED EQUIPMENT
RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

[MITCH]
UH, WHAT KIND OF EQUIPMENT?

UH, WELL, FOR STARTERS,

I'D LIKE TO CANVAS
THIS WHOLE FUCKING TOWN

WITH AN ARMY OF CAMERAS
THAT RUN ALL DAY AND NIGHT.

[MITCH CHUCKLES]
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

JUST HOLD IT
RIGHT THERE, SON.

WHAT?

[MITCH] THIS IS
A PRIVATE ORGANIZATION.

WE DON'T THE FINANCIAL RESOURCES
FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

[VIC]
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

THIS IS THE WHOLE REASON
YOUR GODDAMN ORGANIZATION
EVEN FUCKING STARTED!

[MITCH]
WELL, YEAH, YEAH, BUT--
OKAY, FINE, LISTEN,

WHY DON'T YOU SEND ME A VIDEO
OF THE UFO YOU CAPTURED.

THEN WE CAN TAKE IT
FROM THERE, OKAY?

OF COURSE YOU'D
FUCKING ASK ME THAT.

[MITCH]
WHAT?

WELL, THE CAMERA FUCKED UP

AND THE FOOTAGE
IS OUT OF FOCUS.

[MITCH]
HMM. I SEE.

NO, OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T
FUCKING SEE, ASSHOLE.

-[MITCH] WHAT?
-YOU KNOW WHAT?

FUCK THIS,
AND FUCK YOU, TOO.

I'LL FINISH THIS
INVESTIGATION BY MYSELF.

[MITCH]
I APPROVED
YOUR INVESTIGATION--

-BON FUCKING VOYAGE!
-HELLO? HELLO?

[TOILET FLUSHING]

[MITCH] IN LIGHT
OF SUBSEQUENT EVENTS,

I HAVE BEEN GREATLY CRITICIZED
BY THE UFO COMMUNITY

FOR FAILING TO PROVIDE MORE
SUPPORT FOR MISTER SINGE.

IN MY DEFENSE,

WE RECEIVE HUNDREDS
OF REPORTS EACH MONTH
OF UFO SIGHTINGS.

UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE
A PRIVATE ORGANIZATION,

AND SIMPLY DO NOT
HAVE THE FUNDS

TO PROVIDE SUPPORT
TO ALL OF THEM,

ESPECIALLY TO THE ONES
THAT DO NOT SUBMIT

CASE ASSESSMENT REPORTS

PRIOR TO THE START
OF THEIR INVESTIGATION.

[CRICKETS CHIRP]

[ELECTRONIC SQUEAKING
AND WHIRRING]

[NOISES CONTINUE]

[SKOT ON RECORDING]
OKAY.

WELL...

YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME.

[NOISES CONTINUE]

[SKOT]
DANG IT, WHERE DID--
HE WAS JUST HERE.

OH, HEY, VIC.

WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS
PEEING OUTSIDE?

WHY DON'T YOU GO IN THE HOUSE
LIKE A CIVILIZED PERSON?

[VIC]
THIS WAS CLOSER, DICKWEED.

[SKOT]
I GOT YOU THE CAMERA
YOU WANTED.

IT'S REAL SIMPLE.

I GOT TO DO ANY
FOCUSING OR IRIS SHIT?

[SKOT]
NO, BUT YOU DO
HAVE TO TURN IT ON.

[VIC]
WATCH IT, SMARTASS,
OR THE NEXT PLACE

I TAKE A PISS IS GONNA BE
ON YOUR FUCKING FACE.

SO I GAVE VIC ONE OF
MY SIMPLE CAMERAS TO USE

TO CAPTURE ANY UFO ACTIVITY
HE MIGHT COME ACROSS UP HERE.

[VIC]
I HAD TO PUSH
THE FUCKING BUTTON.

HOW THE FUCK
DO I KNOW IF IT'S ON?

-SKOT!
-BUT OF COURSE,

WHAT DOES HE USE IT FOR?

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

WHAT THE FUCK?

YOU SCARED
THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SON OF A BITCH.

WHAT THE HELL
DO YOU WANT?

I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST DIDN'T LIKE IT
IN MY ROOM VERY MUCH.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SPEAK,
IT'S THE VERBAL EQUIVALENT
OF VAGINAL FLATULENCE?

[JESSA LAUGHS]
THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

OH, MY GOD.

SO...

DO THEY REALLY CALL YOU
THE FINGER MASTER?

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT DO YOU
THINK I'M DOING?

I DON'T KNOW. I ASKED YOU.

I'M TRYING TO SEDUCE YOU,
YOU STUPID IDIOT.

-I THOUGHT YOU HATED ME.
-I DO.

BUT I ALSO HAVEN'T
HAD SEX IN, LIKE, TWO YEARS.

-NO SHIT?
-NO SHIT.

WELL, OKAY,
LET'S SEE THE GOODS.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?

YEAH, WHAT THE FUCK?

YEAH.

OOH, IS THAT THING ON?

NO.

GET OVER HERE.

[RHYTHMIC SQUEAKING
AND THUMPING]

SO I THINK VIC IS HAVING...

RELATIONS WITH JESSA.

[SQUEAKING CONTINUES]

THAT'S SO UNPROFESSIONAL.

"PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN
UFOLOGISTS AND WITNESSES

ARE NOT RECOMMENDED,

AS THEY MAY TAINT
THE INVESTIGATION

AND COMPROMISE ITS VALIDITY."

[SQUEAKING CONTINUES]

[BEEPING]

IT'S 4:04 IN THE MORNING,

AND MY U-METER JUST
STARTED GOING OFF.

-WHOA! LOOK AT THAT.
-[DOGS BARKING]

THAT'S DEFINITELY
THE SAME UFO

VIC AND I SAW
THREE DAYS AGO.

WHOA!

A LITTLE RED LIGHT
JUST SHOT OUT OF IT!

[BEEPING,
BARKING CONTINUE]

WEIRD. I FEEL LIKE
IT'S WATCHING ME.

WHAT IS THAT? OH, MY GOSH!

OH, I GOTTA TELL VIC!
I GOTTA-- OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD,
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I'VE SEEN THE SAME UFO
A SECOND TIME.

A SECOND TIME.
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD!

VIC, GUESS WHAT I JUST SAW.
WHAT?

WHAT THE HECK
AM I LOOKING AT?

VIC! VIC!

WHAT?

THE FUCK?

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

[SKOT]
IT CAME OUT OF THE UFO.

GET IT! GET IT, VIC!

[VIC]
GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER!

FUCK. JESUS.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

[SKOT]
I DON'T KNOW.

VIC?

-LOOK AT JESSA.
-WHAT?

SHE DIDN'T EVEN WAKE UP.
IS SHE OKAY?

HEY, WAKE UP.

YO, SLEEPING UGLY,
WAKE THE FUCK UP.

[SKOT]
WERE YOU GUYS DRINKING?

-YOO-HOO!
-IS SHE ASLEEP OR PASSED OUT?

-WAKE UP.
-MAYBE--

MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL 911.

NAW, I GOT IT.

OW!

AAH! THE FUCK?

[SKOT]
GUYS, GUYS!

OH, MY GOD,
WHAT IS THAT THING?

[VIC]
IT'S AN ORB.

ALWAYS HEARD ABOUT THEM,

BUT THAT'S THE FIRST TIME
I'VE EVER SEEN ONE.

THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT 'EM ON
"COAST TO COAST" LAST WEEK.

[SKOT]
HEY, I HEARD THAT ONE, TOO.

THE GUY SAID THAT
THERE WERE TWO KINDS.

-YEAH, BLUE AND RED.
-YEP.

BLUE ORBS ARE HOW ALIENS
TRAVEL IN ENERGY FORM,

AND RED ORBS ARE LIKE
PROBES OR DRONES.

-DRONES?
-LIKE WHAT THE MILITARY USES.

REMOTE OBSERVATION DEVICES.

SO THEY ARE WATCHING ME.

WHY? VIC?

WHAT, NO SMARTASS
COMMENT THIS TIME?

VIC, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

[SKOT]
THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME

I'D EVER KNOWN VIC
TO BE SPEECHLESS.

I MEAN, NOT EVEN AN F-BOMB.

THAT ACTUALLY KIND
OF CREEPED ME OUT MORE
THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

WELL, EXCEPT MAYBE
FOR SEEING HIM NAKED...

TWICE.

I DON'T REMEMBER IF I WAS
FUCKING SPEECHLESS OR NOT,

BUT I DO REMEMBER
THAT THAT'S WHEN THINGS

BECAME REAL FUCKING CLEAR

THAT SOME REAL
FUCKING SHIT WAS AFOOT

IN SKY FUCKING FOREST.

THAT'S WHAT I REMEMBER.

YET ANOTHER CRAZY NIGHT.

I JUST HAD A CLOSE ENCOUNTER OF
THE FIRST AND SECOND KIND.

OH, MY GOD. SO FIRST,

I SAW JESSA'S UFO AGAIN,
YOU KNOW,

THE SAME ONE VIC
AND I SAW EARLIER.

AND THEN I RAN DOWNSTAIRS
TO TELL VIC ABOUT IT,

AND THERE IT WAS
IN HIS ROOM--

A RED ORB.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT TO DO.

I COULDN'T COMPREHEND
WHAT I WAS SEEING.

IT WAS DEFINITELY
OTHERWORLDLY/

AND IT WAS CRAZY,
IT MESSED WITH MY CAMERA.

AND I COULD SEE IT,
AND FEEL IT,

AND THEN ALL OF
A SUDDEN, WHOOSH,

IT WAS GONE OUT THE WINDOW.

AND THE WINDOW WAS CLOSED.

ANYWAY, MY U-METER
IS GETTING SUCH A WORKOUT.

I MEAN, THE MORE DATA
THAT IT COLLECTS,

THE MORE ACCURATE IT GETS.

AND IT IS SUCH A GOOD THING
THAT WE ARE HERE,

BECAUSE THOSE ALIENS
ARE DEFINITELY

INTERESTED IN JESSA
FOR WHATEVER REASON.

IT'S JUST UP TO US
TO TRY AND FIGURE OUT WHY.

OKAY.

SO I WAS ON MY WAY
TO THE BATHROOM

AND I RAN INTO JESSA.

SHE'S JUST STANDING
IN THE HALLWAY.

HERE, COME HERE.

THERE SHE IS.

IT'S LIKE SHE'S IN SOME KIND
OF TRANCE OR SOMETHING.

JESSA?

JESSA?

ARE YOU OKAY?

JESSA, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

[JESSA WHISPERING]
DON'T TAKE MY BABY.

-WHAT?
-...TAKE MY BABY.

DON'T TAKE MY BABY.
DON'T TAKE MY BABY.

JESSA?

-JE-
-AAH!

OH, GOD.

OH, GOD.
YOU SCARED ME.

[SKOT]
YOU SCARED ME!

WAIT.

-DID YOU GIVE ME THIS?
-WHAT?

-THIS.
-IS THAT AN ELEPHANT?

NO, NO, I'VE NEVER SEEN
THAT BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

[JESSA] HUH.

THINGS APPEAR AND DISAPPEAR

AROUND HERE ALL THE TIME.

[SKOT] WEIRD.

-[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
-[JESSA YELLS]

[SKOT]
JESSA, ARE YOU OKAY?

SOMETHING'S WRONG, VIC.
UPSTAIRS.

[VIC]
THE FUCK IS IT NOW?

-[GROANING]
-[SKOT] OH, MY GOSH.

WHAT THE FUCK?
STOP THAT! STOP!

THERE'S SOMETHING BACK THERE.

STOP PICKING AT IT.
LET ME TAKE A LOOK.

JESUS CHRIST,
YOU FREDDIE KRUEGERED

THE SHIT OUT
OF THE BACK OF YOUR EAR.

-WHAT IS IT?
-THERE'S SOMETHING
UNDER THE SKIN.

-[SKOT] IS IT AN IMPLANT?
-A WHAT?

BEFORE WE JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS,

WE SHOULD PROBABLY HAVE
SOMEBODY TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

YOU HAVE A DOCTOR
AROUND HERE?

-YEAH, THERE'S ONE UP--
-[STATIC]

[JESSA]
WHAT WAS THAT?

[VIC] HOLY SHIT,
TAKE A LOOK AT THAT.

[SKOT]
THE RADIO BLEW UP.

ROCK AND ROLL.

WHAT WOULD
MAKE IT DO THAT?

[MAN] YEAH, THERE'S
THE CULPRIT RIGHT THERE.

DEFINITELY A FOREIGN BODY
BEHIND THE LEFT EAR.

[JESSA]
WHAT IS IT?

NORMALLY, I'D SAY IT'S SOME
SHRAPNEL YOU PICKED UP

WHILE WORKING IN THE KITCHEN
OR OUT IN THE YARD.

THEN I FOUND THIS
IN YOUR FILE.

IT'S AN X-RAY MY DAD TOOK
WHEN YOU WERE 10 YEARS OLD.

SAME OBJECT, SAME PLACE.

OH, MY GOD, IT'S BEEN
IN THERE ALL THIS TIME?

APPARENTLY, YOUR MOTHER...

BROUGHT YOU IN BECAUSE
YOU WERE COMPLAINING

ABOUT A BEE STING
BEHIND YOUR LEFT EAR.

HE THOUGHT IT MIGHT
BE SOMETHING MORE,

SO HE TOOK AN X-RAY
JUST TO BE SURE.

FOUND A PIECE OF METAL
BEHIND YOUR LEFT EAR

AND HAD IT REMOVED.
ANY OF THAT RING A BELL?

NO, I DON'T REMEMBER
ANY OF THAT.

[SKOT]
WHAT HAPPENED TO
THE PIECE OF METAL?

UM, DOESN'T SAY.
PROBABLY JUST TOSSED IT.

-CAN YOU TAKE THIS ONE OUT?
-SURE, I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.

-NO. NO, I DON'T WANT TO.
-WHY THE FUCK NOT?

THIS COULD BE
THE EVIDENCE WE NEED.

I DON'T KNOW.
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO.

-SAYS WHO?
-EVIDENCE FOR WHAT?

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]s

-WHAT WAS THAT?
-LOOK AT THAT.

WELL, EVERYTHING LOOKS
KIND OF NORMAL HERE.

YOUR ELECTROLYTES
ARE UNUSUALLY LOW.

WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

JESSA, YOU'RE PREGNANT.

[BOTH] WHAT?

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU
WERE ON THE FUCKING PILL?

NO, WELL.

-THINK, MCFLY! ANYBODY HOME?
-STOP.

ARE YOU ON
THE FUCKING PILL OR NOT?

-CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN.
-THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

NOW THIS KIND OF NEWS CAN MAKE
FOR SOME TENSE MOMENTS

WITH UNSUSPECTING
YOUNG COUPLES.

WE'RE NOT A FUCKING COUPLE.

[SKOT]
CONGRATULATIONS, GUYS.

FUCK YOU!
AND FUCK YOU, TOO.

I WANT A SECOND OPINION
FROM A REAL DOCTOR.

I CAN ASSURE YOU, SON,

THAT A BLOOD TEST
IS 100% ACCURATE.

FUCK ME.

WELL,
IF YOU'D HAVE DONE THAT,

THEN SHE WOULDN'T HAVE
GOTTEN PREGNANT THEN, HUH?

HA HA.
REAL FUCKING FUNNY.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. YOUR--

YOUR FATHER TOLD ME WHEN
I WAS 16, IN THIS VERY ROOM,

THAT I WAS INFERTILE
AND THAT I COULD NEVER
HAVE CHILDREN.

ACCORDING TO YOUR
"HGC" LEVELS,

I'D SAY YOU'RE SOMEWHERE
BETWEEN 9 AND 12 WEEKS ALONG.

-WHAT?
-MM-HMM.

-WEEKS? PLURAL?
-THAT'S RIGHT.

SO SINCE SHE AND I
JUST STARTED FUCKING
A FEW DAYS AGO,

THERE'S NO WAY THIS KID
COULD BE MINE, RIGHT?

-NO, THAT DOESN'T--
-UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, NO.

HA HA! I KNEW IT.
WOO-HOO!

-YEAH!
-PLEASE, THAT DOESN'T
MAKE ANY SENSE.

[SINGING]

VIC, WILL YOU
PLEASE SHUT UP?

-WHAT? THIS IS GREAT NEWS.
-MAYBE FOR YOU.

HOW COULD I NOT KNOW
THAT I WAS PREGNANT?

WELL, YOUR PERIODS HAVE
ALWAYS BEEN IRREGULAR,

SO IT'S NO WONDER
YOU MISSED IT.

NOT TO MENTION
ALL THE DRINKING.

I SWEAR TO GOD, VIC,
SHUT UP.

WHAT? IT'S A GREAT THING
WE CAME IN HERE

OR YOU COULD HAVE HAD A BABY
IN THE TOILET OR SOMETHING.

-OH, MY GOD.
-WHAT? THIS SHIT HAPPENS
ALL THE TIME, RIGHT, DOC?

UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU

DOWN TO COUNTY
AND GET AN ULTRASOUND,

-SO WE CAN GET
A MORE ACCURATE--
-NO, NO, NO!

YOU KNOW I HATE HOSPITALS.
YOU KNOW THAT.

AND I DON'T CARE
WHAT YOUR TEST SAYS,

I AM NOT PREGNANT.

AND WOULD YOU
PLEASE STOP POINTING

THAT GODDAMN THING AT ME?

GET OUT OF THE WAY.

[SKOT]
SORRY, JESSA.

[MITCH]
MY THOUGHTS ON THE DISCOVERY
AT THE HOSPITAL?

WELL, THE X-RAY IS NICE,

BUT THE IMPLANT ITSELF WOULD
HAVE BEEN IMMENSELY VALUABLE.

BEYOND THAT, THE ONLY
OTHER POSITIVE DISCOVERY,

NOT TO DISHONOR
MISS GWILLIAMS IN ANY WAY,

IS THAT THERE WILL BE NO
OFFSPRING FROM MISTER SINGE.

-[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
-[CRICKETS CHIRP]

WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP?

THANK YOU.

[SKOT]
UH, JESSA, YOU MIND IF
I ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS

ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
AT THE DOCTOR'S?

YES, SKOT, I DON'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT IT.

I JUST-- I JUST NEED
SOME TIME TO PROCESS IT.

IF I KNEW YOU WERE
GONNA BE VIDEOTAPING ME

EVERY GODDAMN
MINUTE OF MY LIFE,

I WOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT YOU.

[SKOT]
I'M JUST TRYING
TO BE THOROUGH.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT, THE PERSON
THAT DRIVES RULES THE RADIO.

NOT WHERE I COME FROM.

WELL, WHERE I COME FROM,
IT DOES.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
WHERE YOU COME FROM

OR WHAT THE FUCK
PEOPLE DO THERE.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

-I'M THIS MANY.
-UH-HUHR.

OH, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT.
OH, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT.

-WHAT'S HAPPENING? OH, FUCK.
-OH, CHRIST.

DON'T TELL ME YOU JUST
RAN OUT OF FUCKING GAS.

HOW COULD I RUN OUT OF GAS?
IT'S YOUR CAR.

-[ENGINE STALLS]
-SHIT. SHIT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WHY ARE WE ON THIS ROAD?

I DON'T KNOW. YOU'RE THE ONE
FUCKING DRIVING.

NO, NO, NO.
THIS ISN'T THE WAY
TO MY HOUSE.

WE SHOULDN'T BE
ON THIS ROAD.

SHH, LISTEN.

[FART, BELCH]

SHIT, VIC,
IT'S NOT FUNNY.

WE SHOULDN'T BE ON THIS ROAD.
WE SHOULDN'T BE HERE.

WE SHOULD NOT BE HERE.
YOU GUYS HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING,

YOU HAVE TO GET ME
OUT OF HERE.

[ELECTRONIC HUMMING]

-[SKOT] WEIRD.
-JESSA? YOU OKAY?

[FINGERS SNAPPING]
YOU OKAY?

[JESSA]
HEY, JIM.

NO, MY CAR JUST DIED.

-JUST?
-YEAH.

I GOT A CALL DESCRIBING
THIS CAR IN THIS VERY LOCATION

ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO.

-WHAT?
-[SKOT] HOUR AND A HALF?

THEM PESKY ALIENS BOTHERING
YOU AGAIN, JESSA?

THAT'S NOT FUNNY, JIM.

[SKOT] 8:41?
THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.

NO, IT'S NOT RIGHT.

SON, WHAT'S WITH THE CAMERA?

[SKOT]
OH, THIS CAMERA?

WELL, SEE,
I'M WITH THE CIVILIAN--

[COUGHING]

WE'RE INVESTIGATING
A POSSIBLE--

-[VIC COUGHING]
-WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

Y'ALL MAKING
A PORNO OR SOMETHING?

-OH, JIM, COME ON.
-[SKOT] NO, NO.

-[VIC] I WISH.
-YOU KNOW ME BETTER THAN THAT.

ALL RIGHT,
I'M GONNA NEED YOU ALL

TO EXIT THE VEHICLE
RIGHT NOW.

SON, TURN THE CAMERA OFF,
GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE.

-LET'S GO. CAMERA OFF.
-JIM.

SO, ONE SECOND
JESSA IS FREAKING OUT,

AND THEN THE NEXT
THE POLICE OFFICER

IS SHINING HIS LIGHT
IN THE CAR.

SO WE LEFT THE DOCTOR'S
OFFICE AT 6:15,

AND JESSA'S HOUSE
IS ONLY 20 MINUTES AWAY.

AND IT'S ONE ROAD,
SO SOMEHOW SHE GETS LOST?

YOU KNOW I'VE HEARD
THAT ALIENS WILL OFTEN

DIRECT PEOPLE OFF
INTO A SECLUDED PLACE

WHEN THEY WANT TO
ABDUCT THEM.

BUT THEN, GET THIS,
IT WAS SUDDENLY 8:41.

6:15 TO 8:41.
WE LOST TWO HOURS.

SO I CALLED THE SKYFOREST
POLICE DEPARTMENT

TO TRY AND SPEAK
TO THE DEPUTY WHO FOUND US.

HE'S NOT RETURNING
MY PHONE CALLS.

IT'S REALLY FRUSTRATING.

-WE SHOULD NOT BE HERE!
-CALM DOWN!

YOU GUYS HAVE TO
GET ME OUT OF HERE!

-CALM DOWN!
-GET ME OUT OF HERE!

[DISTORTED VOICES]

[DISTORTED]
WE SHOULDN'T BE ON THIS ROAD.
WE SHOULDN'T BE HERE.

WE SHOULD NOT BE HERE.
YOU GUYS HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

YOU HAVE TO GET ME
OUT OF HERE.

[DISTORTION INTENSIFIES]

[MAN]
SO, IN YOUR WORDS,

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED?

WELL, AGAIN, I WAS THERE.

I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

JESSA WAS ABDUCTED.

IF YOU DON'T
FUCKING BELIEVE IT,

THEN FIRST OF ALL,
GO FUCK YOURSELF.

BUT SECOND OF ALL,
WE LATER FOUND OUT THE REASON

SHERIFF ROSCOE P. COLTRANE

OR WHATEVER
THE FUCK HIS NAME WAS
LEFT IN SUCH A HURRY

WAS BECAUSE THERE WAS
A SHITLOAD OF POLICE ACTIVITY

GOING DOWN THAT NIGHT
ACROSS SEVERAL COUNTIES,

COMPLETELY BACKING UP
WHAT HAPPENED TO US,

WHICH I'M SURE YOU
WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE,

SO, BILL, BACK TO YOU
IN THE STUDIO.

[BELCHES]

[DISPATCH]
UH, WE JUST RECEIVED
A CALL FROM CEDAR GLEN.

APPARENTLY AN OFFICER THERE
WITNESSED A FLYING OBJECT

OVER THE VICINITY
OF SKYFOREST.

[OFFICER]
DID YOU SAY, "FLYING OBJECT"?

[DISPATCH]
AFFIRMATIVE.

THEY DESCRIBED IT AS BEING
DOME-SHAPED, RATHER LARGE,

NO ILLUMINATION,
AND IT WAS LAST SEEN

MOVING WEST
PARALLEL TO HIGHWAY 18.

[OFFICER]
I'M RIGHT THERE.
I'LL HAVE A LOOK AROUND.

BE ADVISED, I SEE SOMETHING
COMING OVER THE TREES NOW.

-[RADIO STATIC]
-WHAT IS THAT THING?

OH, MY G--

[DISPATCH] OFFICER?
OFFICER, DO YOU READ?

[OFFICER]
MY VEHICLE JUST WENT
HAYWIRE ON ME!

[DISPATCH]
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?

[OFFICER]
THE HELL IF I KNOW.

NEVER SEEN ANYTHING
LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE.

[DISPATCH]
OKAY, I'M REALLY
FREAKED OUT RIGHT NOW.

[OFFICER]
BETTER CALL EDWARDS,
THEN CONTACT ARROWHEAD P.D.

THEIR GUYS SHOULD BE ABLE TO
SEE THIS THING BY NOW.

[ARROWHEAD OFFICER]
25-50, I SEE SOMETHING
TO THE SOUTH,

BUT I COULDN'T TELL
YOU WHAT IT IS.

[DISPATCH]
WELL, WHAT'S IT DOING NOW?

[ARROWHEAD OFFICER]
IT'S MOVING WEST,
STRAIGHT FOR TWIN PEAKS.

[RADIO STATIC]

[TWIN PEAKS OFFICER]
YEAH, I SEE SOMETHING
APPROACHING.

COULD BE A BLIMP, MAYBE.

OH, HOLD ON. SOMETHING--

THERE'S SOME KIND OF
BLUE LIGHT ON THE BOTTOM.

WHOA! HOLY SHINOLA!

THAT THING JUST SHOT UP
LIKE A BAT OUTTA HELL!

-RIGHT UP INTO THE SKY!
-[PHONES RINGING]

[DISPATCH]
OH, BOY, HERE WE GO.

"IN THE EVENT OF A WITNESS
CLAIMING MISSING TIME,

THE USE OF REGRESSION HYPNOSIS

HAS BECOME A SIGNIFICANT
TOOL OF UFOLOGY,

BUT SHOULD ONLY BE CONDUCTED

BY A MEDICALLY-TRAINED
PRACTITIONER."

I JUST LEFT A MESSAGE

WITH A HYPNOTIC
REGRESSION SPECIALIST,

DOCTOR FELINDA WASCO,

TO SEE IF SHE'LL COME HELP US

TRY AND FIGURE OUT
WHAT HAPPENED.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

I THINK THERE'S
SOMETHING ON THE ROOF.

[THUMPING]

OH, MY GOSH.
OH, MY GOSH.

[THUMPING CONTINUES]

OH, NO.

I THINK IT'S OUTSIDE THE DOOR.

OH, GOD.

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

-[GASPING]
-[DOOR CREAKING]

[SKOT GASPING]

[DOOR CREAKS]

OH, MY GOD. OH, NO.

[SKOT GASPING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SKOT SIGHS]

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT AN ALIEN
WAS JUST IN MY ROOM,

AND I'M EMBARRASSED TO SAY
THAT I GOT SCARED.

GOD, I'M SO STUPID.

I HAD A CHANCE
TO FINALLY SEE ONE AND--

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I GUESS THE REALIZATION
THAT THEY'RE REAL,

THAT THEY'RE ACTUALLY REAL

AND WERE RIGHT HERE
IN MY ROOM--

OH, GOD, THE THOUGHT
OF IT EVEN NOW

JUST FREAKS ME OUT.

I HOPE THEY COME BACK.

I HOPE THEY GIVE ME
ANOTHER CHANCE

AND COME BACK.

SON OF A BITCH!

WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME YOU CALLED HER, MAN?

[SKOT]
YOU GUYS WERE, YOU KNOW,
IN THE BEDROOM.

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY?
DID YOU TELL HER I WAS HERE?

[SKOT]
YEAH, I TOLD HER I WAS
ASSISTING YOU ON A CASE.

DID SHE SAY ANYTHING?

[SKOT]
SHE SEEMED TO KNOW
WHO YOU WERE/

AS SOON AS I MENTIONED
YOUR NAME,

SHE ASKED FOR THE ADDRESS
AND SAID SHE'D BE RIGHT UP.

-FUCK!
-[JESSA] WHO IS THAT?

ARE YOU GUYS
EXPECTING SOMEONE?

-NO.
-WHAT'S GOING ON VIC?

THANKS TO SKOT.

[SKOT]
WELL, HOW WAS
I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

DO ME A FAVOR, WILL YOU?

DO NOT MENTION THAT YOU AND I
ARE FUCKING, OKAY?

-WHY?
-IT'S COMPLICATED.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WAIT.

IS THIS WOMAN YOUR
GIRLFRIEND OR SOMETHING?

-NO, NO, NO, IT'S JUST--
-WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

CALM DOWN.

WELL, IF IT AIN'T
HOUDINI HIM SELF!

-HEH.
-HEY, FENDY.

AH, SO THIS IS WHERE
YOUR HAIRY ASS DISAPPEARED TO.

-YEAH.
-HMM.

WELL, I KNOW
WE AIN'T EXCLUSIVE YET, HON,

BUT YOU CAN RETURN
A DAMN PHONE CALL, CAN'T YOU?

WELL, I'VE BEEN WORKING
ON A FUCKING CASE.

I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS
ABOUT SOME SORRY-ASS CASE.

I AIN'T SOME TOILET YOU DO
YOUR BUSINESS IN AND LEAVE.

I DONE GAVE YOU
THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT A WOMAN
COULD EVER GIVE A MAN.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER,
FOR FUCK'S SAKE?

I'M DRIVING,
AND THE CAR JUST DIES.

IT JUST DIES,
AND THAT'S WHEN I GET
REALLY SCARED.

AND WHAT ARE
YOU SCARED OF, BABY?

THE TAKERS.

-THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL 'EM?
-MM-HMM.

SO THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME
THEY'VE COME FOR YOU?

UNH-UH.
THEY'VE COME FOR ME
LOTS OF TIMES.

[VIC FARTS]

[JESSA]
I'M PARALYZED. I CAN'T MOVE,

I CAN'T MOVE
AND I'M GOING UP.

OH, GOD, I FEEL DIZZY.

THERE'S SOMETHING
IN THE CLOUDS.

IT'S REALLY BIG,
LIKE A HOUSE,

AND THERE'S THIS BRIGHT
BLUE LIGHT SHINING UNDERNEATH.

AND THERE'S
NO DOOR OR ANYTHING.

IT'S JUST GLOWING,
AND I JUST PASS
RIGHT THROUGH IT,

I JUST PASS RIGHT THROUGH IT.
AND I DON'T-- I DON'T--

GOD, I HATE THIS PLACE.
I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.

-I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.
-SO YOU'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE?

MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
LOTS OF TIMES.

THEY PUT ME
ON A TABLE IN A ROOM

THAT HAS ALL THESE SHELVES

AND THESE, UM, INSTRUMENTS.

[MUTTERING]

-WHAT ARE UP TO NOW, GIRL?
-THEY KEEP--

THE LITTLE ONES KEEP TRYING
TO TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF,

AND I TELL HIM THAT
I DON'T WANT TO.

BUT THEY KEEP
TELLING ME TO RELAX,

THAT EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE FINE,

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE.

OH, SHIT.

THE TALL ONE IS HERE.

HE'S SO TALL
HE HAS TO CROUCH DOWN TO
GET THROUGH THE DOOR.

IT'S WILLIAM.

-WILLIAM?
-MM-HMM.

HE WANTS TO KNOW
IF I LIKE THE PICTURE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
HE'S TALKING--

OH. THE ELEPHANT.

HE KNOWS HOW MUCH
I LIKE ELEPHANTS.

OKAY, NOW THAT'S
FUCKING WEIRD.

SO YOU'VE KNOWN
WILLIAM FOR A WHILE?

MM-HMM.

I GUESS I FORGOT,
BUT I REMEMBER.

I KNOW HIM.

I'VE KNOWN HIM
MY WHOLE LIFE.

CAN YOU DESCRIBE WILLIAM
TO ME A LITTLE BIT?

HE KIND OF LOOKS LIKE US--

HUMAN...
BUT MORE LIKE THEM.

GRAYISH WHITE SKIN,

EYES BLACK.

[SKOT]
EARLY STAGE HYBRID.

HE SITS TO MY RIGHT
AND TOUCHES MY HEAD

AND LOOKS INTO MY EYES.

I MEAN, HE'S LIKE...
RIGHT HERE.

"REPORTS SUGGEST
THAT ALIENS HAVE

THE RATHER DISTURBING
ABILITY TO CONTROL HUMANS

USING A MIND-SCAN PROCEDURE.

BY LOOKING DIRECTLY
INTO AN ABDUCTEE'S EYES,

THE ALIEN JOINS
WITH THEIR NEURAL PATHWAY,

MAKING THEM THINK, FEEL,
VISUALIZE, REMEMBER,

OR DO WHATEVER THEY WANT."

[FELINDA]
ARE YOU FRIGHTENED WHEN
HE LOOKS IN YOUR EYES?

AT FIRST, YEAH,

BUT THEN, NO.

HIS EYES ARE SO... DEEP.

WHEN I LOOK IN THEM,
I FEEL BETTER.

I'M HERE TO HELP HIM.

I WANT TO HELP HIM.

[FELINDA]
DO YOU HAVE FEELINGS
FOR WILLIAM?

YES.

HE HAS FEELINGS FOR ME.

WAIT.

WAIT, HE'S--
HE'S DOING SOMETHING,

I'M SEEING SOMETHING
IN MY HEAD.

SEVEN CHILDREN,
DIFFERENT AGES--

THEY ALL LOOK LIKE HIM.

THEY ALL LOOK LIKE ME, TOO.
OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD,
HE'S SHOWING ME OUR CHILDREN.

I'M BEGGING HIM
AND I'M BEGGING HIM

NOT TO TAKE
MY BABY THIS TIME

AND LET ME KEEP THIS ONE,
BUT HE SAYS NO.

HE SAYS, NO, THAT ALL
OF THE BABIES BELONG TO HIM

AND SO DO I.

[MOANING]

I CAN FEEL HIM
INSIDE ME NOW.

WHOA, IS THIS
ASSHOLE FUCKING YOU?

NO, IT'S AN INSTRUMENT.

-HE'S EXAMINING YOU?
-UH-HUH.

BUT SOMETHING'S REALLY WRONG.

HE'S USUALLY VERY SWEET,
BUT HE'S-- HE'S REALLY UPSET.

HE'S REALLY UPSET.
I'VE NEVER FELT THIS
FROM HIM BEFORE.

-HE'S JEALOUS.
-WHY IS WILLIAM JEALOUS?

OH, MY GOD,
HE'S REALLY ANGRY WITH ME.

HE'S REALLY MAD.
I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM
LIKE THIS BEFORE.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO GET ME OUT OF HERE.

I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.
YOU HAVE TO GET ME OUT OF HERE.

WE HAVE TO GET OUT.
WE HAVE TO GET OUT.

-YOU HAVE TO GET ME OUT!
-YOU ARE CALMING DOWN.

-I CAN'T, I CAN'T.
-MY HAND IS ON YOUR FOREHEAD

AND YOU ARE CALMING DOWN.

NOW WHY IS WILLIAM SO UPSET?

HE DOESN'T WANT ME HAVING
SEX WITH VIC ANYMORE.

-HE SAYS IF I DON'T STOP--
-OOH!

I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!
I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!

SAY SAYONARA TO THIS HERE
MAGIC PUSSY, ASSHOLE,

BECAUSE THE BEST FRIEND
YOUR DICK EVER HAD

HAS CLOSED UP FOR BUSINESS,

YOU CHEATING-ASS
SON OF A BITCH!

-FUCK YOU.
-DROVE MY ASS UP HERE

FOR TWO FUCKING HOURS,

AND HE'S UP HERE CHEATING...

FUCK OFF.

GET THAT COUNTRY-ASS BITCH
OFF MY TABLE!

[SKOT] OKAY.

JESSA, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

[SNIFFLES]

I'M NOT CRAZY.
I'M NOT CRAZY.

"RECALLING ABDUCTION MEMORIES

CAN BE BOTH DANGEROUS
AND DIFFICULT,

BECAUSE ABDUCTEES AREN'T
SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER

WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM.

THE PURPOSE IS TO KEEP
THE ABDUCTION PROGRAM A SECRET,

AND THIS METHOD HAS
BEEN EXTREMELY SUCCESSFUL...

FOR THE ALIENS,

BUT OFTEN TRAUMATIC
FOR THEIR SUBJECTS."

HEY, JESSA?

CAN YOU TALK ABOUT
HOW YOU'RE FEELING?

ALONE.

TERRIFIED.

FALLING APART.

YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS KNEW
THAT THERE WERE GAPS OF TIME
MISSING FROM MY LIFE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE...

I GUESS I JUST LEARNED
TO ACCEPT IT.

[SKOT]
WHAT WAS THE EARLIEST
RECOLLECTION

YOU HAVE OF THEM
COMING FOR YOU?

I DON'T REALLY
REMEMBER THEM...

SO MUCH AS THE FEAR...

BEING DEATHLY
AFRAID OF THE DARK.

I REMEMBER MONSTERS

COMING TO VISIT
MY ROOM AT NIGHT.

BUT MY PARENTS DIDN'T
TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.

THEY JUST SAID I HAD
AN OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION.

MY FRIENDS MADE FUN OF ME.

SO I LEARNED
NOT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT
WAS HAPPENING TO ME.

[SKOT]
LIKE WHAT?

UM, I WAS 16...

AND I-- I WOKE UP
OUT IN THE YARD.

I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS LIKE,
FOUR IN THE MORNING

AND ALL THE DOORS
AND WINDOWS WERE LOCKED.

I JUST REMEMBER
FEELING SO HOPELESS,

BECAUSE I KNEW I HAD
NO ACCEPTABLE EXPLANATION

FOR HOW I GOT THERE.

SO WHEN I FINALLY DID
RING THE DOORBELL,

MY MOM ANSWERED THE DOOR,

AND SHE WAS UPSET,
OF COURSE.

SHE THOUGHT I HAD SNUCK OUT
TO MEET A BOY.

GOD, HOW I WISH
THAT WERE TRUE.

SO I TOLD HER
I WAS SLEEPWALKING
OR SOMETHING,

AND SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME,
SO I WAS GROUNDED FOR WEEKS.

I GUESS I JUST ACCEPTED IT
LIKE IT WAS NORMAL.

BUT I KNEW WHEN I ASKED
THE OTHER KIDS AT SCHOOL...

THIS WASN'T HAPPENING TO THEM.

THEY WERE SLEEPING THROUGH
THE NIGHT PEACEFULLY.

WHY?

WHY DID THEY
HAVE TO PICK ME?

WHERE IS ALL THIS DAMN
CANDY COMING FROM?

[SKOT] SORRY.

AFTER JESSA'S
HYPNOTIC REGRESSION,

SHE MADE ALL THESE SKETCHES.

THESE ARE THINGS
THAT SHE BELIEVES

HAVE BEEN HAPPENING TO HER
SINCE SHE WAS A KID.

LOOK AT THAT.

IF THEY REALLY
ARE HER MEMORIES,

THEN SHE HAS ACTUALLY
BEEN INSIDE A UFO.

I WISH THEY'D TAKE ME
INTO THEIR SHIP.

IT MUST BE SO COOL.

THERE'S WILLIAM.

DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE
AN ALIEN-HUMAN HYBRID--

EARLY STAGE, JUDGING BY
THE ABNORMALLY LONG LIMBS
AND BIZARRE FEATURES.

DON'T THINK
I WANT TO MEET THIS GUY.

THE GRAYS ARE VERY CLINICAL,
AND THEY HAVE NO EMOTION.

THEY ACT ACCORDING TO
A WELL-DEFINED HIERARCHY,

AND THEY'RE CONSIDERED MORE
PROFESSIONAL, PREDICTABLE.

THE HYBRIDS,
ON THE OTHER HAND,

WE DO NOT KNOW MUCH ABOUT,

BUT WE DO KNOW
THEY EXPERIENCE EMOTION

THE WAY THE GRAYS DO NOT.

THEY'VE BEEN KNOWN TO
LAUGH, CRY,

APPEAR SAD, ANGRY, HAPPY,

AND SO FORTH-- JEALOUS.

IN ESSENCE,
IT'S THEIR VERY HUMANNESS

THAT MAKES THEM
UNPREDICTABLE.

WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION,

ARE THEY THE MONSTERS

OR ARE WE?

[CLATTER]

[VIC]
YO, ANY IDEA HOW MUCH LONGER
YOU'RE GONNA BE DEPRESSED?

FUCK.

WENT AND GOT YOU
A COUPLE THINGS.

GOT YOU A BOOK--

"HOW TO DEFEND YOURSELF
AGAINST ALIEN ABDUCTIONS."

RIGHT.

TA-DA!

COME ON, YOU KNOW
HOW MUCH IT IS AGAINST
VIC SINGE'S CODE

TO BUY PINK SHIT.

GIVE ME A SMILE,
WOULD YOU?

UNH, UNH! YEAH!

THAT'S MY GIRL.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

[SKOT]
I'M JUST TRYING TO DOCUMENT

-WHAT JESSA'S GOING THROUGH.
-WELL, DOCUMENT THIS

WITH A LITTLE
"FUCK YOU" SAUCE.

[SKOT]
NO, WAIT, WAIT. VIC!
VIC, WAIT.

I THINK WHAT'S HAPPENING
TO HER IS AMAZING.

I MEAN, WHY DO YOU THINK
I JOINED THE C.D.U.?

I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO
MEET AN ALIEN FACE TO FACE,

TO KNOW WITHOUT
A DOUBT THAT THEY EXIST.

I THINK SHE'S LUCKY.

LUCKY?

LUCKY?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

THESE ARE NOT
THE FRIENDLY LITTLE E.T.'S

YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH
AS A KID, SKOT.

THESE ARE MONSTERS.

THESE ARE MONSTERS
THAT HAVE BEEN STEALING ME,

STEALING MY BODY
AND MOMENTS OF MY LIFE

THAT I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
EXISTED UNTIL A FEW DAYS AGO.

AND LOOK AT ME.

LOOK AT ME,
THEY'RE USING ME,

MY BODY, LIKE SOME KIND
OF GODDAMN INCUBATOR

FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT.

AND I AM BARELY
HUMAN ANYMORE.

-YOU THINK I'M LUCKY, SKOT?
-[SKOT] I'M SORRY, JESSA.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET YOU.

THINK ABOUT IT.
USE YOUR BRAIN.

HOW LONG HAVE WE KNOWN
ABOUT ALIENS, HUH?

HOW LONG?

IF THEY WERE REALLY
HERE TO HELP US,

THEY WOULD HAVE DONE
IT BY NOW.

[SKOT]
YEAH, I GUESS
I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

NO, YOU DON'T SEE.

YOU DON'T SEE, SKOT.
THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.

YOU DON'T SEE
THAT THEY ARE SNEAKY,

AND THEY ARE SELFISH,

AND THEY ARE USING US
TO HELP THEMSELVES.

[SKOT STUTTERS]
WAS, UH--

DID YOU DOCUMENT
THAT, DUMBASS?

[SKOT]
SHUT UP.

I CONSIDER MISS GWILLIAMS

TO BE A VICTIM IN ALL THIS.

WHAT HE DID WAS
UNDENIABLY INAPPROPRIATE

AND AGAINST
THE CODE OF ETHICS

OUTLINED IN
THE UFOLOGIST'S HANDBOOK.

[MAN]
THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY
ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP?

IF YOU'RE ASKING ME TO ANSWER
FROM A POSITION OF EMPATHY,

YES, I FIND THE OUTCOME
OF THE EVENTS AT SKYFOREST

TO BE TRULY SADDENING.

AND UNLIKELY AS IT MAY SEEM,

IT APPEARS THAT MISTER SINGE

DEVELOPED GENUINE FEELINGS
FOR MISS GWILLIAMS.

EVEN MORE UNLIKELY,

SHE DEVELOPED FEELINGS
FOR HIM.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER REALLY
UNDERSTOOD THE HORRORS

OF WHAT JESSA'S BEEN
GOING THROUGH UNTIL NOW.

I THINK IT FINALLY
JUST HIT ME

THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HER

AND TO US IS REAL,

AND NOT IN
SOME MIRACULOUS WAY.

THIS ISN'T A GAME
OR A FUN LITTLE ADVENTURE.

A PERSON'S LIFE AND
WELL-BEING ARE AT STAKE HERE.

I MEAN, THESE ALIENS ARE
USING THIS POOR WOMAN'S BODY

TO GROW BABIES,
AND THEN JUST TAKING THEM.

AND EVEN THOUGH THEY'VE BEEN
ERASING HER MEMORIES

OF ALL THESE EXPERIENCES,

I THINK STILL
SOMEHOW SHE KNOWS.

AND THAT IS WHAT
HAS TORTURED HER ALL HER LIFE.

I'M STARTING TO THINK
THAT MORE QUALIFIED PEOPLE

SHOULD BE HERE HELPING HER.

YOU KNOW, THE WORLD
REALLY NEEDS TO START TAKING
THIS STUFF SERIOUSLY

AND PRESSURE THE GOVERNMENT
TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT

TO HELP PROTECT
PEOPLE LIKE JESSA.

BUT I GUESS
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

YOU TELL ANYONE
ABOUT THIS STUFF,

THE POLICE, THE GOVERNMENT,

AND THEY JUST THINK
YOU'RE CRAZY.

OR MAYBE-- MAYBE
THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING

BECAUSE THEY KNOW
THEY CAN'T CONTROL

TECHNOLOGICALLY
SUPERIOR BEINGS.

[DOGS BARKING]

WHOA. THE DOGS
ARE BARKING AGAIN.

[BARKING CONTINUES]

THE DOGS ARE REALLY BARKING.

I THINK THERE'S
SOMETHING OUT THERE.

[GASPS]

OH, THEY'RE BACK.

OKAY, OKAY,
DON'T BE AFRAID.

THIS ISN'T
ABOUT YOU ANYMORE.

THIS IS ABOUT JESSA.

IF IT'S A GRAY,
MAYBE I CAN CONVINCE THEM
TO LEAVE HER ALONE.

MAYBE I CAN REASON WITH THEM.

OKAY. HERE GOES.

[BARKING CONTINUES]

-[MOANING]
-[BED SQUEAKING]

REALLY?

[SIGHS]

[VIC]
YEAH! WHOO!

[SQUEAKING CONTINUES]

-[CLATTER]
-[SKOT] WHOA.

WHAT THE HECK?

OH, JEEZ.

WHY AM I DOING THIS ALONE?

WHY AM I DOING
THIS ALONE?

HELLO?

WHERE DID YOU GO?

LITTLE BUDDY?

OH, JEEZ.

HELLO?

OH, MY GOD,
I JUST SAW IT!
I JUST SAW IT!

THERE WAS A FREAKING ALIEN
RIGHT THERE!

HOLY MOLY!
THIS IS NUTS!

I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M CHASING AFTER

A REAL LIVE
EXTRATERRESTRIAL!

OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!

WHERE'D YOU GO?
WHOA. WHAT WAS THAT?

THIS IS CRAZY.
THIS IS CRAZY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
THIS IS HAPPENING.

HELLO?

HELLO?

I GOT YOU NOW.

JEEZ. JERK!

WHAT-- OH, MY GOSH.

WAIT, WHAT AM I DOING?

I HAVE TO GET
A SHOT OF THIS GUY.

IT'LL BE HISTORIC.

OKAY, OKAY.

I CAN DO THIS.
I CAN DO THIS.

COME ON, SKOT.
DON'T BE A WIMP.

YOU CAN DO IT.

HE'S DEFINITELY IN THERE.
HELLO?

UH, CAN YOU COME OUT?

HELLO?
I COME IN PEACE.

-DO YOU?
-[HISSES]

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHS]
OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
WHAT? OH!

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING]

OH, COME ON! DON'T GO.

[SIGHS]

I THINK JESSA'S RIGHT.

I DON'T THINK THESE ALIENS
WANT TO BE OUR FRIENDS.

THEY'RE ALWAYS SNEAKING AROUND

OR FLYING OFF WHENEVER
THINGS GET INTERESTING.

TO USE VIC'S VERNACULAR,

I THINK THESE ALIENS
JUST LIKE FUCKING WITH US.

HERE WE GO.

-RIGHT THERE.
-I GOT IT.

READ IT OUT LOUD.

DON'T TELL ME
WHAT THE FUCK TO DO.

"STOLEN BABIES ARE VERY COMMON
AMONG FEMALE ABDUCTEES."

FUCK SHIT, FUCK SHIT.

"WITHOUT EXPLANATION,
A WOMAN WILL BE PREGNANT ONE DAY

AND NOT PREGNANT THE NEXT--
NO SIGNS OF MISCARRIAGE

OR FETAL ABSORPTION,

NO HEAVY BLEEDING
OR DISCHARGE.

THE FETUS IS SIMPLY GONE.

THIS ALMOST ALWAYS HAPPENS

AT THE END OF
THE FIRST TRIMESTER,

THE 12TH WEEK OF PREGNANCY."

[SKOT]
DIDN'T DOCTOR REUBEN SAY

SHE WAS BETWEEN 9
AND 11 WEEKS?

YEAH, BUT THAT'S A PRETTY
WIDE FUCKING MARGIN.

[SKOT] EXACTLY,

WHICH MEANS SHE COULD BE
11 WEEKS ALONG, OR EVEN 12,

AND THAT WOULD EXPLAIN
WHY THEY'VE BEEN AROUND
SO MUCH LATELY.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.
JESSA'S ALREADY HANGING
BY A THREAD AS IT IS.

MORE NEWS LIKE THAT,
AND SNIP.

FUCK.

-HE'S NOT TAKING MY BABY.
-[VIC] WAIT A FUCK.

WHATEVER'S GROWING
INSIDE OF YOU

SURE AS SHIT AIN'T YOURS.

IT SURE AS SHIT IS.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH
TAKEN FROM ME, VIC.

YOU CAN BE GODDAMN SURE

I'M NOT GONNA LET
THAT SON OF A BITCH

TAKE ANYTHING
FROM ME EVER AGAIN.

[VIC]
THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING?

WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU DOING?

[SKOT] VIC.

[VIC] WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU DOING, JESSA?

OPEN UP THIS FUCKING DOOR.

-[JESSA] GO AWAY, VIC.
-WHAT THE FUCK?

OH, SHIT.
WHERE'S THE FUCKING GUN?

[SKOT]
I DON'T KNOW.

OPEN UP THIS GODDAMN DOOR!

[SKOT] VIC, VIC!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

COME ON, PLEASE!
JESSA, TALK TO ME!

JESSA! I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING.
VIC, WHAT IS SHE DOING?

COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT.
OPEN THE DOOR, COME ON!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT THE FUCK?

THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, JESSA?
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

I DON'T KNOW.

-CALM DOWN.
-I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

WHY IS THIS
HAPPENING TO ME?

YOU'RE OKAY. YOU'RE OKAY.

I WANT TO GO BACK
TO BEING CRAZY.

I WANT TO GO BACK TO
JUST BEING CRAZY.

CAN I PLEASE GO
BACK TO BEING CRAZY?

WAS THAT A TRICK QUESTION?

SKOT AND I,
WE'VE SEEN SHIT, TOO, OKAY?

FUCKING LIKE IT OR NOT,
WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I CAN'T, I CAN'T.
I CAN'T DO IT.

IT'S TOO MUCH AND I CANNOT--

BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT!

IF ANYONE CAN STAND UP TO
THIS ALIEN ASSHOLE, IT'S YOU.

HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS,

WHENEVER HE WANTS TO ME,

THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE.

HE'S TAKEN SEVEN BABIES.

SEVEN BABIES
AND A LIFETIME OF MEMORIES.

AND I'M SO CONFUSED!
I'M SO CONFUSED.

I HAVE THESE FEELINGS FOR HIM,

AND I HAVE
THESE FEELINGS FOR YOU,

AND I JUST DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S REAL.

JESSA, I DON'T KNOW IF I--

LOOK, I'VE NEVER
FELT BEFORE, OKAY?

I MAY HAVE
A LONG TIME AGO, BUT--

LOOK, IF YOU'VE GOT
FEELINGS FOR ME,

IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF SOME
ALIEN MIND TRICK I'VE PULLED.

IT'S BECAUSE OF MY AWESOME
FUCKING PERSONALITY

AND MY GIANT HUMAN COCK.

SO, LISTEN,
IF YOU WANT TO--

IF YOU WANT TO KEEP WHATEVER'S
GROWING INSIDE OF YOU,

THEN FUCK IT.

WE'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES

TO STOP THIS ALIEN ASSHOLE
FROM TAKING IT, OKAY?

HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT?

I DON'T FUCKING KNOW YET.

BUT I'M A UFOLOGIST,
GODDAMMIT,

AND I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.

-[LAUGHING]
-WHAT?

-WHAT?
-OKAY.

-OKAY?
-OKAY.

-OKAY.
-ALL RIGHT.

-YEAH.
-MMM.

COME ON,
MY ANGRY LITTLE UFOLOGIST.

LET'S GO GIVE
THIS ASSHOLE SOMETHING

HE CAN REALLY
GET JEALOUS ABOUT.

NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

[SKOT]
YOU GUYS THINK
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA?

FUCKING'S ALWAYS
A GOOD IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU GO
MASTURBATE OR SOMETHING?

[VIC AND JESSA MOANING]

-[MOANING CONTINUES]
-[BED SQUEAKING]

[BELCHES]
I THINK I JUST
HEARD SOMETHING.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

'COURSE NOT.

WHAT NOW?

OOH, NICE TOUCH, ASSHOLES.

-FUCK!
-[ALARM CLOCK BLARES]

-[ALARM STOPS]
-REAL FUCKING FUNNY.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON
OUT THERE? HEY!

[BELCHES]

WHO THE FUCK'S OUT THERE?

-[DOORKNOB RATTLES]
-WHAT'S THE MATTER?

CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO OPEN
A FUCKING DOOR, DUMBASSES?

HELLO?
YOU COMING IN OR WHAT?

OKAY, ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT.
IT'S GO TIME.

PEEKABOO!

[BELCHES]

OKAY, WHERE ARE YOU,
YOU LITTLE FUCKING
SONS OF BITCHES?

[DOOR CREAKING]

CHRIST!

[MAN ON TV]
...MY POWER NOW,
CITIZENS OF EARTH.

[VIC]
AM I SUPPOSED TO FUCKING
FOLLOW YOU NOW?

THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT.
NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU
ASSHOLES ARE, HUH?

[BELCHES]

FUCK.

SHIT, IT'S COLD OUT HERE.

I THINK MY DICK
IS SHRINKING.

[BELCHES]

OKAY, I'M HERE NOW.
WHAT THE FUCK?

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING]

WHOO, MY SKIN IS BUZZING!

[LAUGHS]

WHAT THE FUCK?

OH, SHIT. AAH!

WHAT THE FUCK?

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK,
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK,

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

FUCK!

I THINK I WAS JUST
AB-FUCKING-DUCTED.

-WHAT?
-YEAH.

ONE SECOND
IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,

AND THEN BOOM, NEXT THING
I KNOW IT'S FUCKING MORNING.

[SKOT]
VIC, HOW MANY OF THOSE
YOU GONNA DRINK?

YOU'RE GONNA HURT YOURSELF.

VIC, STOP.
VIC, PLEASE STOP. STOP.

OH.

LOOK AT MY HAND.
IT'S SHAKING LIKE CRAZY.

-[SKOT] WHOA.
-OH, SHIT.

THERE BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN
ANY ASSFUCKERY UP THERE.

-ZOOM IN!
-WHAT ARE YOU-- NO, WHAT?

DO YOU SEE ANY
MARKS ON MY ASSHOLE?

VIC, I AM NOT
FILMING YOUR BUTT.

-LOOK AT MY O-RING!
-NO!

WHAT IN THE WORLD
IS GOING ON IN HERE?

[SKOT]
OH, THIS IS NOT
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

DON'T YOU COME NEAR ME.

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU, VIC?

[VIC]
STAY THE FUCK AWAY!

-WHY?
-I DON'T KNOW.

SO, YEAH,

I HAD TO GET AWAY FROM
THE CABIN FOR A BIT.

THERE'S BEEN SO MANY
STRANGE ENCOUNTERS

OVER THE PAST
COUPLE OF WEEKS,

IT'S STARTING TO GET
A LITTLE OVERWHELMING.

FIRST THING THIS MORNING,
VIC BUSTS INTO MY ROOM,

YELLING, "AAH, I WAS JUST
AB-EFFING-DUCTED."

I MEAN, HE CAN'T EVEN
REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED,

BUT I SAW THE FOOTAGE
FROM HIS CAMERA.

IT'S REALLY CRAZY STUFF.

SOMETHING DEFINITELY
WENT DOWN LAST NIGHT.

AND TODAY, ANY TIME
JESSA GOES NEAR VIC,

HE TOTALLY FREAKS OUT.

HE BASICALLY MADE HER
SPEND ALL MORNING OUTSIDE.

I KEEP GOING OVER IT
AND OVER IT IN MY HEAD.

WHY WAS VIC ABDUCTED
AND NOT ME?

I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S BECAUSE

WILLIAM DOESN'T
LIKE VIC AND JESSA...

YOU KNOW.

HE DID SOMETHING TO VIC
TO MAKE HIM STOP.

AND, WELL, TONIGHT,
VIC AND JESSA

ARE SUPPOSED TO GO ON
THIS BIG DATE OR SOMETHING,

ASSUMING VIC WILL EVEN
LET HER SIT NEXT TO HIM
AT THE SAME TABLE,

BUT I DON'T KNOW,
I'VE GOT THIS FEELING

THAT THIS IS ALL
LEADING UP TO SOMETHING.

SOMETHING BAD,
AND, WELL, I--

I THINK THERE'S
REALLY ONLY ONE PERSON

WHO CAN HELP US OUT
WITH ALL OF THIS.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE

IS TO HEAR WITH
MY OWN EARS HOW THEM E.T.'S

SHOVED SOMETHING UP
THAT FOOL'S STANK ASS.

[VIC]
OKAY, NOW THAT
WAS FUCKING WEIRD.

I'M ON A TABLE
IN A WHITE ROOM

AND I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA
HOW I GOT HERE.

WHOA!

THERE'S A TALL FUCKING MUTANT
COMING IN THROUGH THE DOOR.

IT LOOKS LIKE A BUG.

I THINK IT'S
THAT WILLIAM ASSHOLE.

HE'S PISSED.

HE SAYS MY SPERM'S CONTAMINATING
HIS BREEDING PRESERVE.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

WHOA, YOU'D BETTER
NOT TOUCH MY COCK, ASSHOLE!

[FELINDA]
WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE'LL REMOVE
MY REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN

IF I CONTINUE FUCKING JESSA.
AND I SAY,

"YOU LOOKING FOR
AN UPGRADE THERE, ASSHOLE?

DO YOU GUYS EVEN HAVE A COCK,
OR AN ASS FOR THAT MATTER?

HOW IN THE FUCK DO YOU GUYS
SHIT OR PISS ANYWAYS?"

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

WERE YOU DRUNK OR
SOMETHING THAT NIGHT?

[VIC BELCHES]
UH-HUH. YEAH, I WAS.

LORD, THIS IS
A NEW ONE FOR ME.

HE SAYS HE CAN MAKE ME DO
ANYTHING HE WANTS.

THEN HE GRABS MY HEAD
WITH HIS LONG FUCKING FINGERS

AND LOOKS INTO MY EYES.

I CAN HEAR HIM IN MY HEAD.

HE SAYS,
"STAY AWAY FROM JESSA!"

[LAUGHS]

YEAH, NICE TRY THERE,
FUCKLESS.

AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

-[SHOUTING]
-[FELINDA] WHAT HAPPENED?

[VIC]
HE'S SQUEEZING MY HEAD!

HE'S HAVING TROUBLE
CONTROLLING YOU, AIN'T HE?

I GUESS,
AND HE'S ALSO WONDERING

WHY I USE THE WORD
"FUCK" SO MUCH.

AND I SAY, "'CAUSE
I'M FUCK NORRIS, ASSHOLE!

AND THESE ARE
MY TWO NINJA SIDEKICKS,
FUCK AND YOU!"

AND I START CHOPPING
AWAY AT HIM.

HAI!

OH, SHIT.
TWO OF THE LITTLE ONES
JUST WALKED IN.

OH, I THINK THEY'RE
PISSED OFF AT OLD WILLIE.

I THINK THEY'RE HIS BOSSES.

THEY START SAYING THAT
HE'S JEOPARDIZING THE PROGRAM.

THEN WILLIE STARTS--

WILLIE STARTS
THROWING A TANTRUM.

HE STARTS BANGING HIS FISTS
AGAINST THE CEILING.

JESUS, THIS FUCKER'S NUTS.

OH, SHIT.
THE TWO LITTLE ONES
ARE COMING OVER TO ME NOW.

I'M NOT GONNA LIE,
THEIR LITTLE BALD HEADS
GET ME A LITTLE HARD.

THEY LOOK LIKE BOOBIES
WITHOUT NIPPLES.

HE IS SUCH A PERVERT.

[VIC]
ONE'S GRABBING MY HEAD

AND THE OTHER ONE'S
STARING INTO MY EYES.

WILLIE'S LOOKING AT ME
FROM ACROSS THE ROOM.

HE'S TRYING TO
TELL ME SOMETHING THAT
I NEED TO REMEMBER.

OH, I'M BACK OUTSIDE.

-WHAT DID HE TELL YOU?
-HE TOLD ME-- HE TOLD ME--

[COUGHING]

[SKOT]
WHOA, SHOULD WE CALL 911?

NO, HE SAID--
HE SAID HE'S COMING.

-WHEN?
-[ELECTRONIC SCREECH]

TONIGHT?
WELL, WHEN TONIGHT?

[SKOT]
WHO'S COMING?

[MAN ON TV]
...TAKES LONGER TO PRODUCE
THAN ANY OTHER MAMMAL,

-ALMOST TWO YEARS.
-HELL, NO.

THIS IS GETTING WAY
TO FREAKY FOR ME.

AND YOU CAN KEEP THE DAMN TABLE.
I'LL GET A NEW ONE.

[SKOT]
NO, MISS WASCO.
WAIT, WAIT!

JESSA, SOMETHING'S
WRONG WITH VIC.

VIC? VIC?

THE SON OF A BITCH
TRIED TO BRAINWASH ME

-AND KEEP ME AWAY FROM YOU.
-OKAY, IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY, VIC. LOOK AT ME.

[SKOT]
WOW.

-WHAT WAS THAT?
-[DOGS BARKING]

ARE YOU OKAY?

WE GOTTA GET YOU OUT OF HERE.

WHAT?

THAT SON OF A BITCH IS
COMING AFTER YOUR FUCKING KID.

[SKOT]
WAIT, HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

[VIC]
LET'S GO.

[SKOT]
VIC, WILL YOU TELL US
WHAT'S GOING ON?

[VIC]
YOU HEARD ME! HE'S COMING
FOR THE FUCKING KID!

JUST KEEP THAT CAMERA RUNNING,
YOU HEAR ME?

[SKOT]
YOU REALLY WERE ABDUCTED!

[VIC]
NO, SHIT! GET INSIDE.

COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON!

[JESSA]
DO YOU WANT ME TO DRIVE?

[VIC]
JUST GET THE FUCKING
CAR STARTED.

SKOT, MOVE YOUR ASS.
GET BACK THERE.

THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
START THE GODDAMN CAR.

[JESSA]
IT WON'T START!
IT WON'T START!

[SKOT]
COME ON, COME ON,
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

LET'S GO! LET'S GO!

[VIC]
FELINDA? FELINDA!
FUCK! GODDAMMIT.

[SKOT]
UH-OH.

- [U-METER BUZZING]
-WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

- [HORN HONKS]
- [SKOT] IT MEANS THEY'RE HERE.

I DON'T THINK
I CAN HANDLE THIS.

[VIC]
HOLY SHIT.

[SKOT] WHAT?
VIC, WHAT DO YOU SEE?
IS IT THE UFO?

IT'S A BUNCH OF
FUCKING BLUE ORBS.

[SKOT]
ORBS? HOW MANY?

A LOT! COME ON,
WE GOTTA GET BACK INSIDE.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF
THE CAR, GUYS, COME ON!

[SKOT]
I DON'T BELIEVE
THIS IS HAPPENING.

[JESSA]
OH, MY GOD.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

[SKOT]
OH, MY GOD.
VIC, IS THIS AN INVASION?

[VIC]
LOOKS LIKE IT.
MOVE, MOVE, MOVE! COME ON.

[SKOT]
WAIT UP! DON'T LEAVE ME!

[VIC]
QUIT CRYING, SKOT.
MOVE YOUR ASS.

[SKOT]
I AM! I AM!

[VIC]
THIS AIN'T A TRAINING
EXERCISE.

LOCK EVERYTHING THAT LOCKS!

[JESSA]
OH, MY GOD,
THIS CAN'T BE REAL.

THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!

-[VIC] SHIT.
-[JESSA] VIC.

[VIC]
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

[JESSA] OH, MY GOD!
WHAT THE HELL ARE
THOSE THINGS?

[SKOT]
THEY'RE ALIENS IN
ENERGY FORM.

[VIC]
REAL FUCKING FUNNY, ASSHOLE.

[JESSA]
OH, JUST GO AWAY! GO AWAY!

[VIC]
LOOK AT ALL OF 'EM!

[SKOT] MY GOD!
IT IS AN INVASION!

WE'RE FUCKING SURROUNDED.

[SKOT]
WHAT DO WE DO?
WHERE DO WE GO?

THE BACK DOOR!
THE BACK DOOR! IT'S OPEN.

[VIC]
NO, JESSA, DON'T GO
BACK THERE.

[SKOT]
LOOK!

[VIC]
HOLY SHIT!

[ALL SHOUTING]

TELL ME YOU GOT
THAT ASSHOLE ON CAMERA!

[SKOT]
I GOT HIM, ALL RIGHT.
VIC, THE DOORKNOB!

[VIC]
FUCK OFF, WILLIAM!

GO AWAY!
YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS ONE!

JUST GO AWAY
AND LEAVE ME ALONE!

-YOU AIN'T GETTING
SHIT, ASSHOLE!
-LEAVE ME ALONE!

[VIC]
WHAT THE FUCK?
WHERE'D IT GO?

THE FUCKING CLOSET.

[SKOT]
WHAT'S IN THERE?
IS IT HIM?

[VIC]
YOU WANT A FUCKING SHOWDOWN,
YOU FUCKING FREAK?

YOU GOT ONE!

GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, BABY.

[SKOT]
VIC, REALLY?

THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S
ABOUT TO GET SINGED.

[SKOT]
NO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING VIC?
DON'T, DON'T.

VIC, VIC, HE'S IN THERE.

NO, NO, NO, DON'T.
NO, STOP, STOP.

STOP COUNTING.
DON'T OPEN--

[ALL SHOUTING]

[VIC]
GODDAMN.

GO AWAY, WILLIAM!
YOU CAN'T HAVE MY BABY!

[SKOT]
VIC, I DROPPED THE CAMERA!

[VIC]
I DROPPED THE FUCKING GUN!

-[SKOT] WHAT DO WE DO?
-OH, NO, VIC!

HE'S IN MY HEAD.
HE'S INSIDE MY HEAD!

[ALL SHOUTING]

[VIC]
CAN'T LET HIM
LEAVE THIS ROOM!

LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT!

[WILLIAM ROARS]

CAN'T HOLD HIM MUCH LONGER!

VIC, GO FOR HIS EYES!

-[VIC SHOUTS]
-[WILLIAM ROARS]

[SKOT]
WHAT'S HE DOING?
WHAT IS THAT?

[VIC]
FUCK YOU ALIENS IN
THE FUCKING--

[SKOT]
VIC, WE GOTTA GET
OUT OF HERE!

HE LOOKS REALLY PISSED OFF.

[VIC] FUCK.
THAT MAKES TWO OF US.

[WILLIAM]
FUCK YOU.

[VIC]
YOU MOTHERFUCK--

-[SKOT] VIC, NO!
-[WILLIAM LAUGHING]

YOU'RE GOING TO START
AN INTERGALACTIC WAR!

-DIE!
-VIC, STOP! STOP!

WHAT THE--
WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?

-WERE WE JUST ABDUCTED?
-I DON'T KNOW.

WELL COME ON, VIC,
WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S-- I DON'T OWN
A FUCKING WATCH, MAN!

[SKOT]
WELL, I CHANGED MY MIND!
I DON'T WANT TO BE ABDUCTED!

-I DON'T WANT TO BE TAKEN!
-SHUT THE FUCK UP!

DON'T POINT THE GUN AT ME!
DON'T POINT THE GUN AT ME!

-SHUT THE FUCK UP!
-OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

JESSA!
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

[BEEPING]

[SKOT]
WAIT A SEC.
NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

YOU CAN USE IT. LISTEN.

[BEEPING SPEEDS UP]

THIS WAY, COME ON.

JESSA, WHERE ARE YOU?

-SAY SOMETHING, GODDAMMIT.
-JESSA!

YOUR FUCK METER LED US IN
THE GODDAMN WRONG DIRECTION.

-[JESSA] VIC!
-[SKOT] THAT WAS HER.

JESSA, KEEP YELLING!
WHERE ARE YOU?

-[JESSA] VIC, HELP ME!
-[SKOT] JESSA?

JESSA? HOLY SHIT.

[SKOT]
WHAT? WHAT?

OH, MY GOD.
LOOK AT THAT!

OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT
I'M SEEING!

-[JESSA SHOUTING]
-GODDAMMIT.

[SKOT]
VIC, VIC, WAIT!

VIC, WAIT!

[VIC]
KEEP YELLING, JESSA!

-[JESSA] VIC, WHERE ARE YOU?
-JESSA!

[JESSA SCREAMING]

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

[SKOT]
I DON'T KNOW.

WOW.

VIC?
VIC, WHERE ARE YOU?

[VIC]
JESSA, KEEP YELLING!
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

[SKOT]
VIC, WAIT! WAIT!

[VIC]
GODDAMMIT!

[SKOT] VIC?
OH, MY GOD IS THAT--

[VIC]
THEY DIDN'T COME
FOR THE FUCKING BABY.

THEY CAME FOR HER.

[SKOT]
OH, MY GOD. SHE'S GONE?

[U-METER BEEPING SLOWLY]

[MAN]
VIC, DO YOU STAND BY YOUR
INVESTIGATIVE PROCEDURE?

JESUS CHRIST,
WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE
KEEP ASKING ME THAT?

IT'S NOT BRAIN SURGERY.

I GOT THE REPORT,

I INTERVIEWED
THE FUCKING WITNESS.

I LOOKED AT
THE FUCKING EVIDENCE,

AND I GATHERED SUPPORTING
FUCKING EVIDENCE

AND THEN DEVELOPED
A FUCKING CONCLUSION.

THAT'S HOW YOU INVESTIGATE.

[MAN]
AND WHAT DID YOU CONCLUDE?

WHAT DID I CONCLUDE?

THAT A FUCKING ALIEN
TOOK MY GIRLFRIEND.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

[MAN]
SO, VIC, WHY DID YOU
BECOME A UFOLOGIST?

BECAUSE UFO SHIT
INTERESTS ME.

[MAN]
AND HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE

YOUR HANDLING OF
THE SKYFOREST INCIDENT?

FUCKING STELLAR.

[MAN]
DID YOU HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO

WITH JESSA GWILLIAMS'
DISAPPEARANCE?

NO, ASSHOLE.

[MAN]
DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS?

YES, ASSHOLE.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

[MAN]
SO IF YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS,

DO YOU THINK THAT THEY'RE HERE
TO HELP US OR HURT US?

WELL, THEY AIN'T
FUCKING HERE TO HELP US,

THAT'S FOR FUCKING SURE.

THESE ARE REAL SONS OF BITCHES
WE'RE DEALING WITH.

THEY COME DOWN HERE,
DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT,

AND THE GOVERNMENT DOESN'T
DO SHIT TO STOP IT.

[MAN]
SO, DO YOU THINK
THE GOVERNMENT'S

ACTUALLY COVERING UP
THE EXISTENCE OF ALIENS?

OH, COME ON.
THE GOVERNMENT'S TOO STUPID
TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT.

THE ONLY CONSPIRACY
THEY'RE INVOLVED IN

IS LETTING IDIOTS
AND MORONS RUN SHIT.

[MAN]
SO YOU'RE SAYING
THERE'S NO WAY

TO STOP THESE ALIENS
FROM DOING WHAT THEY'RE DOING?

NO, I'M SAYING IT'S UP
TO PRIVATE ORGANIZATIONS

LIKE THE C.D.U.
AND UFOLOGISTS LIKE MYSELF

TO GET TO
THE BOTTOM OF SHIT.

AND I FOR ONE KNOW
THAT THESE FUCKERS ARE REAL,

THEY'RE UP TO NO GOOD,
AND GODDAMMIT,

I'M GONNA KEEP INVESTIGATING
UNTIL I FIND HER!

I MEAN "THEM",

WHATEVER THE FUCK
THESE BASTARDS ARE UP TO.

[MAN]
YOU REALLY DID LOVE HER,
DIDN'T YOU?

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

* FUCK YOU

* YOU DIDN'T EVEN
BOTHER TO FUCK *

* BUT YOU'RE STILL FUCKING
KNOCKED MY GIRL UP *

* NOW SHE'S HEAVY
WITH YOUR ALIEN CHILD *

* GONNA SEE ME
GET UP AND RILED *

* YOU BITCH YOU MISSED
GETTING IN TOUCH *

* LISTEN CLOSELY
TO ALL YOU JUST HEARD *

* IT'S THE LAST THING
YOU'RE BOUND TO HEAR *

* GONNA GET YOU
WHEN I FINISH MY BEER *

[ANNOUNCER]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

FINGER MASTER!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

* SO FUCK YOU

* A FUCKING ALIEN

* TOOK MY GIRLFRIEND

* AND THAT SLIMY PIECE
OF SHIT IS GONNA DIE *

* A FUCKING ALIEN

* TOOK MY GIRLFRIEND

* I'VE JUST GOTTA FUCKING

[FARTS]

* ASK MYSELF WHY

* RIGHT BEFORE
I FUCKING MAKE HIM FRY *

* YOU GONNA DIE