Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:32,097
Koyaanisqatsi.
2
00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:46,612
That music was very foreboding. It's
made a shiver go down my spine.
3
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,743
- That'll be the air-conditioning.
- I would've taken it off sooner
4
00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:52,950
but I was having a fascinating
conversation with the proud father
5
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,831
of Norfolk's most
sun-tanned child.
6
00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:57,618
Just passed his details on
to the Social Services.
7
00:01:57,784 --> 00:02:01,334
The time is 11:59
and 55 seconds.
8
00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:04,500
- It's midday.
- Well, no... Well, yeah, it is now.
9
00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:07,340
You're listening to Mid-Morning Matters.
10
00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:10,346
Mid-Morning Matters
with Alan Partridge.
11
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:13,721
Music and chat for the
Norfolk generation.
12
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,603
Sorry, it's the other way.
13
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,555
Later we'll be
taking dedications
14
00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:21,441
for anyone wrongly turned
down for planning permission.
15
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:24,444
Which
is the worst monger?
16
00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:27,823
Fish, iron, rumour or war?
Pretty clear, that one.
17
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,904
Now it's time for
today's large question.
18
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:32,820
Large question.
19
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,738
It's the near future.
20
00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:38,330
An unprovoked chemical attack
from France, or possibly China,
21
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,586
has left us without
a sense of smell.
22
00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:43,835
In a whiff-free world, what
smell would you miss the most?
23
00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,882
- Tom in Diss?
- Petrol.
24
00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:49,303
Nice. Wrongly referred to
by the Americans as "gas".
25
00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:50,929
It's petrol, not gas.
26
00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:52,761
- Dominic in Castle Acre?
- Money.
27
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,550
Yep. Joe in Holt?
28
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,639
- My wife's nightie.
- You kinky get.
29
00:02:56,802 --> 00:02:59,100
- Saucy sod.
- She died, you see.
30
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,312
- Smells matter.
- They do.
31
00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,270
Hey, Greg.
32
00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:09,861
This is a great station,
a real cracker.
33
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,943
Yeah. Hi, Pat. Um...
this is Jason Tresswell.
34
00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:15,787
- Managing Director of...
- Goredale Media.
35
00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:19,416
Our new owners, huh? I
Googled you on Yahoo.
36
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:22,703
That's Pat Farrell. Does week nights.
10-12.
37
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,546
Sleepy-time slot.
38
00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:27,503
- So, are you on your way out?
- You tell me.
39
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:32,713
Is it true you're being taken over
by a bunch of corporate whores?
40
00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:37,851
Er... Gillian, I'm 99%
certain that's not true.
41
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,104
WE'VE GOT A TEXT HERE FROM
42
00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:43,311
An easy way to solve the
problems in Israel...
43
00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:46,314
- A thorny issue... Would be for
Judaism and Islam to merge.
44
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,319
Wouldn't hold your breath.
45
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:50,230
- They both hate pigs.
- True enough.
46
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,399
You could call it Jislam.
47
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:56,867
I think you can go in circles, can't you,
trying to think of names for something?
48
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,868
Even er... a cat.
49
00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,408
Well, nettles 'cause 'em,
dock leaves cure 'em.
50
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,703
It's a sting. It's Sting.
51
00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:04,870
♪ Roxanne
52
00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:08,256
- Sorry.
- Never, never criticise Muslims.
53
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:12,419
Only Christians. And
Jews a little bit.
54
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,675
Alan, it's started.
They're here.
55
00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:19,681
We're being taken over.
56
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:25,774
So?
57
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:28,735
♪ Roxanne
58
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:32,690
♪ You don't have to
put on the red light
59
00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,864
♪ Those days are over
60
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:40,031
♪ You don't have to sell
your body to the night
61
00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:43,371
Hello?
62
00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:50,089
Are you in the business centre?
63
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,963
♪ Coconut, everybody
64
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,344
♪ Like de coconut
65
00:04:55,170 --> 00:04:57,764
♪ Coconut, coconut...
66
00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:04,013
♪ Coconut, coconut
67
00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:07,683
Oh, hello, Lynn. Just reading about
how ospreys died out in Britain
68
00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:11,399
and had to be reintroduced from
Scandinavia in the early '90s.
69
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:16,067
Now I think there are
almost 500 of them.
70
00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,861
Yeah. 480.
71
00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:21,951
It shows we should treasure
and value our wildlife.
72
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,578
So, what you got, girl?
73
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:27,411
Well, the butchers want you
to do another voiceover.
74
00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,124
"Bannan's the Butcher's.
75
00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:32,131
Yesterday's meat at
today's prices."
76
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,672
You've had the mayor of
Hickling get in touch.
77
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:38,089
He listens to your show and wants to
offer you the freedom of the village.
78
00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:41,266
- It doesn't even have a post office.
- They give you a big key.
79
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,969
- How big?
- That big.
80
00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:45,887
- Tell him I accept.
81
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:48,432
Everything seems to be
chugging along nicely.
82
00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:50,649
Everything OK, Alan?
83
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:54,822
Michael's just sent a text saying he
hasn't bought toilet paper in 18 months.
84
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,490
- How does he...
- He steals it from a pub.
85
00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:58,946
- Oh.
- That's a relief.
86
00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:01,658
Shared a bag of salty
popcorn with him last week.
87
00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:05,123
- ♪ Roll out the barrel!
- Hi, I'm Pat Farrell.
88
00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:09,879
Join me tonight at 10 for a hearty
casserole of tunes, cheer and chin-wag.
89
00:06:10,245 --> 00:06:13,590
Local folk trio Will-o-the-wisp
will be playing live in the studio,
90
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:17,670
and I'll be taking your calls on
my ever popular fireside phone-in.
91
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:19,258
Don't miss it.
92
00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:24,010
OK, for those who haven't
slipped into a coma,
93
00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:27,930
you are listening to the Breakfast Show
with Danny Sinclair and these muppets.
94
00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:33,276
- How we feeling this morning, guys?
- Better than you, by the look of things.
95
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:36,109
- I had it large. I got on it.
- Take it easy tonight, then.
96
00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:38,148
I would but we've got
the launch tonight.
97
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,784
North Norfolk Digital are
changing their name to...
98
00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:43,112
- Shape.
- The Way You Want It To Be.
99
00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:46,873
- ♪ Shape.
- The way you want it to be
100
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:51,120
Coming up next, Alan Partridge.
God bless him, how old is he?
101
00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:53,209
60 or something. Got
to be, hasn't he?
102
00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:54,998
55.
103
00:06:55,165 --> 00:06:57,293
Alan, we love you, mate.
We love you really.
104
00:06:57,459 --> 00:06:59,678
This one's for you
if you're listening.
105
00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,972
It's Roachford.
106
00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:05,800
♪ Cuddly Toy
107
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:17,771
♪ Well, I don't pour out
my heart like this to everyone
108
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:20,942
♪ Not anyone that I meet
109
00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:25,154
♪ And I know it ain't the
wine, cos I feel just fine
110
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,155
♪ Can't you see, baby?
111
00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:28,824
♪ I'm still on my feet
112
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:31,126
♪ Oh, but a cuddly toy
113
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:36,169
♪ That's my only joy waiting
for me when I get home, yeah
114
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:40,215
♪ And what I need
is a girl like you
115
00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:43,922
♪ All I need, yeah,
to call my very own
116
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:47,972
♪ So you gotta feel for me,
baby ♪ Feel for me, baby
117
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:51,434
♪ Yeah, you gotta feel for
me, baby ♪ Feel for me, baby
118
00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:54,725
♪ Girl, you gotta feel for
me, baby ♪ Feel for me, baby
119
00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:57,440
♪ Oh, gimme some love
120
00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:00,313
♪ Come on, now...
121
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,661
Your fog lamps are on.
122
00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:10,207
Your fog lamps are on.
There's no fog.
123
00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:13,368
There's no fog.
124
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:14,627
No fog.
125
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,754
♪ Oh, a cuddly toy
126
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,836
♪ That's my only joy
127
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,422
♪ Waiting for me when I get home
128
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:22,631
♪ Na-na
129
00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:24,546
♪ And what I need
130
00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:26,715
♪ is a girl like you
131
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,851
♪ Just to call, call my very own
132
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:33,480
♪ So, you gotta feel for me,
baby ♪ Feel for me, baby
133
00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:37,313
♪ Yeah, you gotta feel for
me, baby ♪ Feel for me, baby
134
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,528
♪ You gotta feel for me,
baby ♪ Feel for me, baby
135
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,860
♪ Oh, gimme some love
136
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,492
Love that noise.
137
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:47,744
Michael, do it outside.
138
00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:52,324
- Morning, Michael.
- Morning, Mr. Partridge.
139
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:56,123
- Paper.
- I was doing a fist bump.
140
00:08:56,286 --> 00:09:00,086
- You would say that now you've lost.
- It's instead of a handshake.
141
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,960
Some people say it's more
hygienic than a handshake.
142
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:05,800
But who's to say you can't
get shit on your fist?
143
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:09,341
- Did you hear him making fun of you?
- I did, but as Oscar Wilde said,
144
00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:12,056
"There's only one thing worse
than being talked about."
145
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,312
- Cancer.
- No. "Not being talked about."
146
00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:16,560
Oscar Wilde said that's
worse than cancer?
147
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:19,021
Yeah. I think he was at a party.
148
00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:21,687
Probably just being
a gay show-off.
149
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,238
♪ Shape, Shape, Shape
150
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:25,370
Do you know what I really like?
I like waking up
151
00:09:25,383 --> 00:09:27,367
in the morning, breathing
in the air and er...
152
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:30,904
actually realising I've made it through
the night and I haven't wet the bed.
153
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,244
No, I am joking,
obviously, but er...
154
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:37,912
they were, of course, very,
very dark days indeed.
155
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,421
But they're all behind me now.
156
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,957
- Morning, Angela.
- Morning, Alan.
157
00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:44,342
Alan Partridge has just
walked into the building.
158
00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:46,720
Walking and talking,
like The West Wing.
159
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,673
- Hope he hasn't hurt himself!
- Mr. President, we have a code red.
160
00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:52,763
- I've never seen the show.
- No, me neither.
161
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,520
Corner coming up.
162
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:58,148
You never know what's
round the corner.
163
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,272
More corners, usually.
164
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,730
Imagine a world without corners.
165
00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:10,281
No-one would be able to cut any. Everyone
would be going round in circles.
166
00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:16,583
Wow.
167
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,503
I enjoyed that.
168
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,756
I will tell you one thing.
169
00:10:22,914 --> 00:10:24,666
When I was going
through my bad times,
170
00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:29,839
I found Norfolk was perhaps maybe
not the place to be and...
171
00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:33,387
just because it's so flat and
there was a sort of a...
172
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:36,349
a bleakness about the
place, but obviously now...
173
00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:38,980
You're a good broadcaster, Alan.
Don't forget that.
174
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,228
- I wasn't planning to, Pat.
- You seen this memo?
175
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:43,519
"Exciting new phase.
Here's to the future."
176
00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:46,359
- My days are numbered.
- No-one's getting sacked.
177
00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:48,432
It's like Bobby Brushes,
the caretaker, when
178
00:10:48,445 --> 00:10:50,367
the swimming pool
allegations came out.
179
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:51,614
- He was in bits.
- Yeah.
180
00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:55,622
It turned out he was just helping those
lads towel off. He was being nice.
181
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:58,416
- He didn't even know them.
- Yeah, but where is he now?
182
00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:01,454
- He runs his own business.
- There. He's back on his feet.
183
00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:03,337
Rents out bouncy castles.
184
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,214
For adults, yeah?
185
00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:08,343
- Look at this memo.
- I've seen the memo. It's quite simple.
186
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,471
Goredale Media are simply
re-imagining our core brand values
187
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:15,475
and giving it a name more fitting
to multi-platform content delivery.
188
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,098
- They're people people.
- People people sack people.
189
00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:21,435
No, Pat. People sack people.
People people please people.
190
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,817
- Can you have a word with them, Alan?
- Would you?
191
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:27,521
Er... sure. As soon as I can get
them all in the same room together.
192
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,531
- They're all up in the boardroom now.
- That's great.
193
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,988
Thank you. Thank you, Alan.
You're a pal.
194
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:35,370
Well, pals is pals.
195
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:41,376
If we're all looking at the last quarterly
figures for North Norfolk on page 6.
196
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,832
Then if you turn to page 5.
197
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:49,134
Hi, guys, don't want to be an
agenda-bender, but any chance of a wa-wa?
198
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:53,088
- It's not a good time, Alan.
- It's fine, we've time. Come in.
199
00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:56,596
Oh, we moved the other thing.
Yeah, it's a good time.
200
00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,305
Alan. Alan Partridge.
201
00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,603
Jason Tresswell, MD
of Goredale Media.
202
00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:04,107
It's not "Alan Alan Partridge".
It's "Alan, comma, Alan Partridge".
203
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:06,063
I know some people
do have two names.
204
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,103
Zsa Zsa Gabor, for instance.
205
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:10,021
Duran Duran.
206
00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:11,986
Yeah, that's not as good.
207
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:14,947
Um... Kris Kristofferson.
208
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,162
Excellent small talk.
Gentlemen, to business.
209
00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:21,867
I am here as one of the more
senior D-jocks at this station.
210
00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:23,831
I'm here to talk about jobs.
211
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:27,460
Like a Nazi officer
this, isn't it?
212
00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:29,541
Should er... snap
my heels together.
213
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,296
- Achtung!
- Guten Tag.
214
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,257
Silence! Sorry. I
meant to miss you.
215
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,513
I want you to do
something for me.
216
00:12:36,214 --> 00:12:41,015
I want you to take all your prejudices,
put them in a box marked "prejudices",
217
00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:44,143
put it to one side, wipe the
prejudice juice off your hands...
218
00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:47,226
Can I just stop you there? Change
is healthy, you shouldn't fear it.
219
00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:49,690
I'm not scared of anything.
Not even an elephant,
220
00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:52,605
which is interesting, because
there's one in this room.
221
00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:54,566
- Wanna know his name?
- Pat Farrell.
222
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:57,360
It's Pat Farrell. Pat's
audience is old.
223
00:12:57,527 --> 00:13:00,701
Old people, much like
dogs, are blindly loyal.
224
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:03,537
And if Pat hi-tails it to
Cedar FM and they follow,
225
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:06,920
you've got a grey exodus on your hands.
A grexodus.
226
00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:12,050
Hm. That prejudices box doesn't seem
quite so cool any more, does it?
227
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,757
Yeah, but we bought
Cedar FM as well.
228
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:17,263
I didn't know that. I
did not know that.
229
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:28,024
- The point is...
- You were talking about Pat Farrell.
230
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,693
Pat Farrell is a great guy.
231
00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:34,698
He's always the first to
speak up at union meetings,
232
00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,488
being a member of a union.
233
00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:43,040
He's also Irish, which again, weirdly,
a plus point, if you like swearing.
234
00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:45,950
"Feckin'
dis" and "Feckin' dat".
235
00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:48,711
Some Irish people say “Feck
off" isn't as bad as "Fuck off"
236
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,713
but I think that's
bullshit or bellshit.
237
00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:54,092
- The bottom line is, he swears too much.
- This is all very interesting...
238
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,093
I can sum up Pat
Farrell in ten words.
239
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:59,927
Pat isn't very good so let
him go, guys, seriously.
240
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,550
I can condense that
to three words.
241
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,309
Just sack Pat.
242
00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:13,194
That completes my presentation.
243
00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:17,531
Gentlemen, I'll leave
you to your biscuits.
244
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,497
Gloves.
245
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:29,161
Oh, fuck.
246
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:30,666
Glove.
247
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,213
♪ Shape
248
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,966
♪ The way you want it to be
249
00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:39,922
Ahh! That was soft rock cocaine
enthusiasts, Fleetwood Mac.
250
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:42,182
And this was
Mid-Morning Matters.
251
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,725
Where once again,
252
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,931
- mid-morning... mattered.
- Mattered.
253
00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:48,472
Supposed to do it in sync.
254
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,273
- Always leave a gap.
- Sorry.
255
00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:52,809
Simple. Very simple.
256
00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:56,984
- You're listening to Shape.
- The Way You Want It To Be.
257
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:04,283
Mm-hm. Right. And
will it take long?
258
00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:09,834
It will take long. OK. Hi, Pat.
I'll catch you later.
259
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:13,045
I'm not happy about it, but...
260
00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:16,083
I'll have to go along with it, won't I?
261
00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:22,723
The... The problem is that the phone
rings even when I'm speaking on it,
262
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,848
so it sounds bloody weird.
263
00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:30,021
In fact, I think it just did it then.
Did you hear it? Yes?
264
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:32,273
Yeah. He heard it too.
265
00:15:32,849 --> 00:15:35,068
OK, well, I'll
leave it with you.
266
00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:37,194
Mm-hm. Yep.
267
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:38,730
Yep.
268
00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:40,694
All right. Thanks, Susan.
269
00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:46,328
If Geoff Susan doesn't mend that
phone, there'll be hell to pay.
270
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:49,582
They wouldn't even let me say
goodbye to my listeners.
271
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:52,243
Just gave me 30 minutes
to clear out my locker.
272
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,955
Well, at least I'm getting
their mugs dirty.
273
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,208
Thanks, Alan. You
always stuck up for me.
274
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:00,297
Not like the others.
275
00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:04,339
Well, I'll let you get back to...
Geoff.
276
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:08,802
- Who's Geoff?
- Geoff Susan.
277
00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:10,512
Oh, yes, of course.
278
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,393
Ahh...
279
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,320
I did the right thing,
didn't I, Lynn?
280
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:23,195
I mean, I think he knew
his days were numbered.
281
00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:25,325
More of an assisted
suicide really.
282
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:29,740
I just flew him to Switzerland and
filled out a few forms and...
283
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,454
...sloped off to the airport.
284
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:35,502
I've got to be honest, Lynn,
I'm feeling pretty crummy.
285
00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:37,960
Pat's Irish, isn't he?
286
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:39,669
To be sure.
287
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:42,585
Why don't you donate
£50 to Sinn Fein?
288
00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:44,470
Perfect.
289
00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,135
Love that noise.
290
00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:49,016
Keep me away from
the sausage rolls.
291
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,722
I'm wearing my chubby
clothes again.
292
00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:52,975
- I noticed.
- What the chub, or the clothes?
293
00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:54,764
- 'Dad.
- ' MS"Dad.
294
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:56,849
Not that funny, Lynn.
295
00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:58,935
- ♪ Calvin Harris feat.
- Bounce
296
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,361
- I used to go with prostitutes.
- Brilliant.
297
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:07,323
Cocaine - that was a trigger.
Cocaine, prostitutes.
298
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:11,327
Bit of a cycle. Puking up the old er...
luminous green bile.
299
00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:15,083
Yeah, I was withdrawing.
300
00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:16,995
I've got my minder with me.
301
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,038
- Lynn?
- She might not seem tough
302
00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:21,583
but I once saw her stamp on
50 cockroaches in a minute.
303
00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:23,467
He didn't see. He was
in the next room.
304
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:25,503
- It was in Wales.
- It's true, yeah.
305
00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:28,594
All I could hear was crunch, crunch,
crunch, stamp, stamp, stamp.
306
00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:31,851
I thought she was country
dancing whilst eating cereal.
307
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:35,013
I thought it was the End of Days.
They were legion.
308
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,601
Lynn likes The Bible.
309
00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:38,604
I've never understood moths.
310
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:41,394
They only come out at night, yet
they're attracted to light.
311
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,802
I don't know why they just
don't come out during the day.
312
00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:46,657
I've nothing to add to that.
If you substituted butterfly...
313
00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:48,739
Could you go and get
me some sausage rolls?
314
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:52,826
If you substituted butterfly for moth, I
think it would sound like poetry, yeah.
315
00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:54,787
Unfortunately,
Wordsworth didn't say:
316
00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:58,795
"I wandered lonely as a moth to
eat some jumpers in a drawer."
317
00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:03,211
"As if that wasn't bad enough,
it ate my sock upon the moor."
318
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:12,266
Yeah. It's just... I don't know
why a sock could be on the moor.
319
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,393
A mitten, maybe.
320
00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:16,896
I actually spewed up some
of my stomach lining.
321
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:20,103
I don't know if you've ever done er...
done any horse, have you?
322
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:22,940
- I've ridden a donkey.
- No, no, no, I mean heroin.
323
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,525
I know what you mean. No,
I've not done heroin.
324
00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:28,532
- I don't like subtitles in my films.
- If you can read, read a book.
325
00:18:28,691 --> 00:18:31,240
Citizen Kane. Black and white.
I haven't seen that.
326
00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:34,656
I tell you what, the best film for
me, ever, is still The Godfather.
327
00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:36,916
- Ah, amazing film.
- Perfect film.
328
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:39,543
"I'm gonna make him an
offer he can't refuse.“."
329
00:18:39,702 --> 00:18:41,545
- Amazing acting, though.
- Great acting.
330
00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:43,001
I tell you what's even better
331
00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:46,714
a lot of people are shocked when
I say this - the camera angles.
332
00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,719
- Alan, I need a word.
- Camera angles?
333
00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,263
It's rather delicate.
334
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:54,517
Remember when you took me for that
Christmas meal at the ice rink?
335
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,973
You remember that woman
disinfecting the boots?
336
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,313
The one that took
a shine to you?
337
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,600
I went home and you and her...
338
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,727
Well, it's... none
of my business.
339
00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:08,148
It is none of your business, but for
the record, went back to her place,
340
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:11,818
watched Air Crash Investigation, then
I fell asleep in her big armchair.
341
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,406
A perfectly normal woman.
342
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,162
Well, she's here.
343
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:17,369
Lynn, get rid of her.
She's a drunk racist.
344
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:20,121
- I'll tolerate one, but not both.
- Fine.
345
00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:22,541
But you said I could
pop by any time.
346
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:24,956
I know, but my career's
hanging by a thread.
347
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:27,295
- And I'm an embarrassment, am I?
- No, no.
348
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,923
You just wanted
sex, you used me.
349
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:31,679
Well, maybe you used me.
350
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:34,932
I-I didn't have much of a say
over what went on that night.
351
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,602
Didn't hear you complaining.
352
00:19:38,052 --> 00:19:40,271
- I couldn't speak.
- See you round mine again, then.
353
00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:41,976
I... don't know, I'm... I'm...
354
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:46,357
- What's wrong with my place?
- Well... all those dogs barking.
355
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,192
But it's their bedroom too.
356
00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:50,490
May I have a word?
357
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:57,538
You're talking clap...
crap!
358
00:19:57,947 --> 00:20:00,496
I sound like a fucking
Chinky when I'm pissed!
359
00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:07,548
There we go. All done.
360
00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:11,169
- What did you say to her?
- I told her that God loves everyone.
361
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,629
Even sluts.
362
00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:16,015
- Good night, Lynn.
- Night, Alan.
363
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,160
Hello?
364
00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,287
V funny. Tee-hee.
365
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:48,706
Very impressive.
366
00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:53,215
Oh, they must have left in a hurry.
Something weird's happened.
367
00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:04,977
All right, you freaked me out, so just...
pack it...
368
00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:06,356
There you are!
369
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:07,983
Pat? Agh!
370
00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:16,609
I'm down.
371
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,497
You...
372
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,788
You step to me?
373
00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:31,420
Simon.
374
00:21:31,582 --> 00:21:33,175
Er...
375
00:21:33,334 --> 00:21:35,336
Yeah, all right. I'll
go on without you.
376
00:21:50,893 --> 00:21:53,237
Stop! Stop! Stop!
377
00:21:53,896 --> 00:21:55,819
- I need to commandeer this vehicle.
- What?
378
00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:57,824
- There's a mad man with a gun.
- Um...
379
00:21:57,983 --> 00:22:00,077
- He's Irish!
- Get in.
380
00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:05,329
Why do you sit so close to the wheel?
I could steer with my balls!
381
00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:09,745
- Where's the nearest police station?
- Just here.
382
00:22:09,912 --> 00:22:11,789
Oh... thanks.
383
00:22:11,956 --> 00:22:14,050
Are you Alan Partrid...?
384
00:22:16,502 --> 00:22:19,676
Assault, battery, kidnap,
chronic thuggery,
385
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:23,430
brandishment, actual bodily
harm, grievous bodily harm...
386
00:22:24,385 --> 00:22:25,887
- ..harm.
- Just stick to what you saw
387
00:22:26,095 --> 00:22:28,393
and we'll decide if
it's ABH or GBH.
388
00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:30,729
- You mean aitch?
- That's what I said.
389
00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:32,518
Nearly, you said haitch.
390
00:22:32,685 --> 00:22:34,685
"Ha" is the sound of the
letter, aitch is its name.
391
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:36,864
One is ha, the other is aitch.
Neither is "haitch".
392
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:38,902
- I'm sorry, I'm a bit nervous.
- Mr. Partridge?
393
00:22:39,066 --> 00:22:41,319
- Something else we need to talk about.
- Oh...
394
00:22:41,485 --> 00:22:43,579
- You're not in trouble.
- Oh, fine.
395
00:22:45,990 --> 00:22:48,084
I've never been in a
police car before.
396
00:22:48,242 --> 00:22:50,336
May I lower the window, please?
397
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:59,090
Foxtrot Sierra. Alpha
Papa arriving at the school building.
398
00:22:59,253 --> 00:23:00,971
- Officer.
- Mr. Partridge.
399
00:23:01,130 --> 00:23:04,009
- You were at the police station.
- I was just in the car with you.
400
00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:06,222
- If you want to follow me, please.
- Huh.
401
00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,479
- This way, please, sir.
- Yep.
402
00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:12,391
Let's do it.
403
00:23:14,935 --> 00:23:18,314
Mr. Partridge, this is the Gold
Commander of the operation.
404
00:23:18,856 --> 00:23:22,326
- Seriously, is that what you're called?
- On this operation, yes.
405
00:23:22,526 --> 00:23:24,403
I'm Acting Chief Constable
Janet Whitehead.
406
00:23:24,612 --> 00:23:27,286
- An honour.
- And I'm Martin Fitch.
407
00:23:27,907 --> 00:23:29,284
Send.
408
00:23:29,450 --> 00:23:31,999
From Scotland Yard's
Hostage and Crisis Unit.
409
00:23:32,161 --> 00:23:34,004
Here to lead the negotiation.
410
00:23:34,163 --> 00:23:36,257
Er... little bit awkward.
Who's in charge?
411
00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:38,964
Make no mistake, this
lady is in charge.
412
00:23:39,168 --> 00:23:43,423
So here's the situation. Pat is
refusing to speak to us directly.
413
00:23:43,589 --> 00:23:47,560
He's willing to give us three hostages but
only if he can talk to us through you.
414
00:23:47,718 --> 00:23:50,044
Now, we need to know why
Pat has done this so
415
00:23:50,057 --> 00:23:52,394
we can draw things to a
peaceful conclusion.
416
00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:54,354
Yeah, sure, I'll talk to him.
Deal.
417
00:23:54,516 --> 00:23:56,610
Sorry, wrong person.
418
00:23:56,936 --> 00:23:58,609
Come here.
419
00:24:01,732 --> 00:24:04,531
OK. Now, are you
on any medication?
420
00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:06,695
Er... Just some cream.
421
00:24:06,862 --> 00:24:10,742
I've got very aggressive athlete's foot but
that's the only thing about me that is.
422
00:24:10,908 --> 00:24:14,003
Do you suffer from any nervous
conditions, such as panic attacks?
423
00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:17,255
Do I look like I suffer
from panic attacks?
424
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:19,542
I've had one panic
attack in a car wash.
425
00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:22,837
It was a perfect storm
of no sleep, no wife,
426
00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:25,673
and angry brushes
whirring towards me.
427
00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:29,768
By the time the giant hair dryer
came on, I was in the footwell.
428
00:24:32,137 --> 00:24:34,435
Does the idea of
weaponry trouble you?
429
00:24:34,598 --> 00:24:38,228
Er... no. I've fired several rifles,
at fun fairs, and won prizes.
430
00:24:38,394 --> 00:24:41,364
But I've never fired one
in anger, or at a cat.
431
00:24:41,897 --> 00:24:44,571
We'll have you fully briefed
by the tactical firearms team.
432
00:24:44,733 --> 00:24:45,700
Cool.
433
00:24:45,859 --> 00:24:48,362
We'll keep in regular phone
contact with you when you go in.
434
00:24:48,529 --> 00:24:50,122
Very cool. Sorry, go in?
435
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:52,749
- What, into the building?
- Mm-hm.
436
00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:56,412
- To speak to Pat in person?
- Yes, is that not what you...
437
00:24:58,288 --> 00:25:00,711
- Erm...
- Everything OK?
438
00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:04,553
I'm just a little nervous about going
into a car wash... er... siege.
439
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:07,427
So what do you say, Al?
Will you help us?
440
00:25:16,056 --> 00:25:17,103
Yep.
441
00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:21,066
Guys, none of us choose
the hand we're dealt...
442
00:25:23,230 --> 00:25:25,483
- You know...
- We do need an answer, I'm afraid.
443
00:25:25,691 --> 00:25:27,284
Do you have another
siege to go to?
444
00:25:27,443 --> 00:25:30,204
It's my understanding that if you say
yes, you're allowed a few words.
445
00:25:30,279 --> 00:25:32,577
- So you are saying yes?
- I was leaving that to the end.
446
00:25:32,740 --> 00:25:34,367
- If you'd like to come with me.
- Sure.
447
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:36,535
Can I get a copy of that?
448
00:25:36,702 --> 00:25:39,296
- Let's keep this simple, shall we?
- Roger, that.
449
00:25:39,455 --> 00:25:41,207
- No heroics.
- Ten-four, good buddy.
450
00:25:41,415 --> 00:25:43,417
Do not physically engage him.
451
00:25:43,584 --> 00:25:46,053
- Fight a gun, flee a knife, yeah?
- Where do you read that?
452
00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:48,179
Big fans of you guys in TFU.
453
00:25:48,338 --> 00:25:50,887
If I had my way, all police
officers would carry firearms.
454
00:25:51,050 --> 00:25:53,929
I think that firearms should remain
in the hands of specialists.
455
00:25:54,094 --> 00:25:57,314
I was going to say that only specialists
should be allowed to fire them.
456
00:25:57,473 --> 00:26:00,192
If you think I've just made that
up, you can call my assistant.
457
00:26:00,350 --> 00:26:02,523
Alan! Read my lips.
458
00:26:02,686 --> 00:26:04,939
If you jeopardize the
safety of any of my men,
459
00:26:05,105 --> 00:26:08,450
or any of those hostages because
you've not been listening to me,
460
00:26:08,609 --> 00:26:12,239
I will take off this police uniform
and I will make you pay for it.
461
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:15,749
You want me to buy your
police uniform off you?
462
00:26:15,908 --> 00:26:18,536
No. I'll give you a fucking
good hiding, is that clear?
463
00:26:18,702 --> 00:26:20,579
Yes, that's clear. Yes.
That's clear.
464
00:26:20,746 --> 00:26:22,840
You're close to me.
465
00:26:24,166 --> 00:26:26,339
Now, you're a smart bloke,
I know you can handle it.
466
00:26:26,502 --> 00:26:28,675
- I know you won't disappoint me.
- I won't.
467
00:26:28,837 --> 00:26:31,636
I aim to please you, and I...
I hope to impress you.
468
00:26:32,091 --> 00:26:34,469
- Good man.
- Yeah, you're a good man too.
469
00:26:35,427 --> 00:26:37,225
Right, well, Dom
will fill you in.
470
00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:45,528
He has to say all that
shit for the insurance.
471
00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:47,405
- Right.
- Tell me this much, mate.
472
00:26:47,564 --> 00:26:49,942
- What's your favourite siege?
- Iranian Embassy.
473
00:26:50,109 --> 00:26:51,235
Same. Why?
474
00:26:51,401 --> 00:26:53,002
They used the sound
of a pneumatic drill
475
00:26:53,112 --> 00:26:56,332
to disguise the noise of them removing
bricks from a neighbouring wall.
476
00:26:56,532 --> 00:26:59,285
- So they could smash through and...
- Take them out the game.
477
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:01,545
It's just a great siege.
478
00:27:02,663 --> 00:27:03,789
Right.
479
00:27:05,207 --> 00:27:06,709
Do you want to see my gun?
480
00:27:07,084 --> 00:27:09,178
Does erm... Yes, please.
481
00:27:12,631 --> 00:27:14,474
Let's clock the Glock.
482
00:27:16,051 --> 00:27:17,803
You'll have to move
quicker than that.
483
00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:20,723
- Any last messages for your kids?
- Oh... Er...
484
00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:22,607
No, they don't speak
to me any more.
485
00:27:22,766 --> 00:27:24,689
Yeah, "Why don't you
speak to me any more?"
486
00:27:24,852 --> 00:27:26,399
I wouldn't know the
answer, would I?
487
00:27:26,562 --> 00:27:30,442
So just um... just...
tell them I love them.
488
00:27:38,282 --> 00:27:40,910
Pat, Alan's coming in now.
489
00:27:55,799 --> 00:27:57,472
- Greg!
- Oh... Hey, Alan. Thanks.
490
00:27:57,634 --> 00:28:01,559
- They let you go as well?
- I'm relieved to be getting out of there.
491
00:28:01,722 --> 00:28:04,191
- Aren't there still women in there?
- Yeah, well...
492
00:28:04,391 --> 00:28:07,770
I think it would be a bit sexist
to let all the women go out first.
493
00:28:07,936 --> 00:28:10,234
Yeah. Sleep well, Greg.
494
00:28:10,397 --> 00:28:11,944
Thanks.
495
00:28:17,196 --> 00:28:18,493
Pat?
496
00:28:20,866 --> 00:28:22,243
Pat?
497
00:28:23,243 --> 00:28:24,290
Pat?
498
00:28:33,503 --> 00:28:35,597
- Prepare to die.
- I'm not ready to!
499
00:28:36,215 --> 00:28:38,183
Alan, it's OK, it's OK, it's me.
500
00:28:38,342 --> 00:28:40,344
It's me - Pat.
501
00:28:40,510 --> 00:28:41,602
God, you...
502
00:28:41,762 --> 00:28:45,187
I just thought a little jokey costume
would, you know, put you at ease,
503
00:28:45,349 --> 00:28:48,353
- give you a giggle.
- Well... mission accomplished.
504
00:28:49,353 --> 00:28:50,570
Oh, God.
505
00:28:50,729 --> 00:28:52,697
- It's great to see you.
- Good to see you, too.
506
00:28:52,856 --> 00:28:55,700
I bought you some cake, not
that you deserve it after that.
507
00:28:55,859 --> 00:28:58,237
I should just crush it in my hand.
Oh, I already have.
508
00:28:58,403 --> 00:29:01,327
- How the devil are you?
- Yeah, not bad, not bad.
509
00:29:01,490 --> 00:29:02,912
How are you feeling?
510
00:29:03,075 --> 00:29:04,748
- Great!
- Good.
511
00:29:04,952 --> 00:29:07,296
Oh, er... the police told
me to bring you this.
512
00:29:07,454 --> 00:29:09,127
It's just a standard
field phone,
513
00:29:09,289 --> 00:29:12,509
should you feel the inclination to
communicate with ze authorities.
514
00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:16,138
Good thing about these things, they're
immune to the problems and glitches
515
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:18,390
you get with satellite phones.
516
00:29:18,924 --> 00:29:21,427
But, like I say, it's
just an option, really.
517
00:29:21,635 --> 00:29:27,108
I just realised, when you asked me
now how I was feeling, you meant...
518
00:29:27,266 --> 00:29:29,268
Yes, I did.
519
00:29:30,686 --> 00:29:33,280
- Does this answer your question?
- Yes, it does.
520
00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:35,532
Oh, hello. Didn't
see you there.
521
00:29:35,816 --> 00:29:37,693
Someone's been in the wars.
522
00:29:37,859 --> 00:29:40,157
- That's just Simon.
- Can he breathe through that?
523
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:42,197
Of course. It's just
like wearing a mask.
524
00:29:42,364 --> 00:29:45,163
At least when someone puts you in
a mask, you've got a safe word,
525
00:29:45,325 --> 00:29:47,373
like "airbag", or "crayfish".
526
00:29:48,829 --> 00:29:50,752
What's the er... That thing?
527
00:29:50,956 --> 00:29:53,550
Oh, we made that.
It's a head holster.
528
00:29:53,709 --> 00:29:57,430
- Never heard of one of those.
- Yeah, I'll show you. Simon?
529
00:29:57,754 --> 00:29:59,848
You insert the shotgun.
530
00:30:00,382 --> 00:30:02,350
Place on stand. And... voilá.
531
00:30:02,509 --> 00:30:04,978
Hands free. I can move around
the studio, do anything I want.
532
00:30:05,137 --> 00:30:08,266
And if something happens...
I don't even have to look.
533
00:30:09,141 --> 00:30:10,814
Boom. Hit the target.
534
00:30:10,976 --> 00:30:13,195
Yeah... well, you don't
need an accomplice.
535
00:30:13,353 --> 00:30:15,321
Well, I've got you now.
536
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:16,982
Yeah.
537
00:30:17,733 --> 00:30:19,827
Thank you.
538
00:30:23,155 --> 00:30:25,328
So you're with the police now?
539
00:30:27,743 --> 00:30:29,745
Oh, this... no,
this is just...
540
00:30:29,911 --> 00:30:31,879
I think it's Velcro.
There you go.
541
00:30:32,039 --> 00:30:33,586
Feck the police.
542
00:30:33,790 --> 00:30:36,339
I think they thought that if
they did take a pot shot at you
543
00:30:36,501 --> 00:30:38,174
it's a siege, you've got a gun
544
00:30:38,337 --> 00:30:40,510
that the bullet might pass
through you and hit me.
545
00:30:40,672 --> 00:30:42,925
Unless they use dum-dums, which
explode inside the body.
546
00:30:43,133 --> 00:30:46,262
I said, do not use dum-dums on
Pat Ferrell, Farrell, Ferrell.
547
00:30:46,428 --> 00:30:49,227
Just use a high-velocity round
that passes through his body
548
00:30:49,431 --> 00:30:50,933
because he's a friend of mine.
549
00:30:51,099 --> 00:30:53,943
And I suppose if I want to shoot
you, I can always aim for the head.
550
00:30:54,102 --> 00:30:55,479
Exactly. Exactly.
551
00:30:55,687 --> 00:30:57,940
Um... I don't even know
why I'm wearing it.
552
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:00,363
- So take it off.
- I'll happily take it off.
553
00:31:00,525 --> 00:31:01,697
Go on, then.
554
00:31:01,902 --> 00:31:04,302
- If you want me to, I'll take it off.
- Fucking take it off!
555
00:31:04,446 --> 00:31:06,949
Oh, Pat, now you're making
me want to wear it.
556
00:31:07,157 --> 00:31:09,080
This is not my bag.
557
00:31:09,284 --> 00:31:10,877
I'm-I'm-I'm... a disc jockey.
558
00:31:11,036 --> 00:31:13,004
I'm sorry you got the sack.
559
00:31:13,163 --> 00:31:17,418
I'm 55 years old, I should be at home in
bed watching funny videos on YouTube.
560
00:31:18,835 --> 00:31:21,429
"Sneezing panda" or
"Charlie bit my finger".
561
00:31:22,214 --> 00:31:24,558
Have you seen "Fat woman
falls down the hole"?
562
00:31:28,929 --> 00:31:30,647
- That's hilarious. Isn't it?
- Yeah.
563
00:31:30,806 --> 00:31:32,774
I've seen it before, but, yeah.
564
00:31:32,933 --> 00:31:37,029
That... That should be fenced off
really, but erm... I'm glad it wasn't.
565
00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:39,026
Great.
566
00:31:39,272 --> 00:31:42,151
Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to
ask, where are the hostages?
567
00:31:42,317 --> 00:31:44,069
In there.
568
00:31:46,530 --> 00:31:48,624
Oh, my God!
569
00:31:48,990 --> 00:31:51,869
That's like some son of zoo
from Planet Of The Apes.
570
00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:55,539
Danny looks a bit... bruised.
571
00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:57,749
I lost my temper a
couple of times.
572
00:31:57,916 --> 00:32:00,669
- Three times.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it was three.
573
00:32:01,670 --> 00:32:02,887
Go and say hello.
574
00:32:03,046 --> 00:32:05,890
- Give him a slap yourself, if you want.
- Oh, no...
575
00:32:07,884 --> 00:32:09,761
No, I'll just...
I'll just say hello.
576
00:32:10,846 --> 00:32:13,395
- Alan...
- Look, do the police know we're here?
577
00:32:13,557 --> 00:32:15,184
Alan! What the hell's going on?
578
00:32:17,102 --> 00:32:19,025
Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
579
00:32:19,229 --> 00:32:22,278
Cool it with the cross-talk,
you're professional broadcasters.
580
00:32:22,441 --> 00:32:25,069
- I'm not, I'm a writer.
- We'll get through this with each other.
581
00:32:25,235 --> 00:32:27,038
I want everyone to shake
hands with everyone else.
582
00:32:27,051 --> 00:32:28,865
Now! Whether you want to or not.
583
00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:30,907
This is ridiculous.
584
00:32:31,074 --> 00:32:32,701
Ow.
585
00:32:32,909 --> 00:32:34,911
Hello, er... Connor.
586
00:32:37,789 --> 00:32:39,257
- Paper.
- Hi.
587
00:32:39,416 --> 00:32:42,420
OK. Pat will not communicate
directly with the police.
588
00:32:42,586 --> 00:32:44,634
Only through me.
589
00:32:44,796 --> 00:32:48,141
So as of now, I am bullhorn.
590
00:32:48,300 --> 00:32:50,803
- But I think we're gonna be OK.
- OK? He hit me!
591
00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:54,644
Let's not get into who hit who or,
you know, who may have deserved it.
592
00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:56,854
You need to keep him away from me.
Understand?
593
00:32:57,017 --> 00:32:58,735
What I need to do, Danny,
594
00:32:58,935 --> 00:33:01,108
in conjunction with Jason,
is crisis management.
595
00:33:01,271 --> 00:33:03,432
I'm sure he'll agree there
has been plenty of crisis...
596
00:33:03,565 --> 00:33:06,239
- But no management.
- Cowabunga. Walk with me.
597
00:33:07,986 --> 00:33:10,455
Alan, you do realise you're
in the box seat here?
598
00:33:10,614 --> 00:33:12,036
You've got the guy's confidence.
599
00:33:12,199 --> 00:33:13,291
Yeah. I don't know why.
600
00:33:13,492 --> 00:33:16,712
I go for a curry with him once a year,
and even then I don't have a starter.
601
00:33:16,870 --> 00:33:18,122
Trouble is, he does.
602
00:33:18,288 --> 00:33:20,256
All I need to know is
can you handle it?
603
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:21,792
Well, er...
604
00:33:21,958 --> 00:33:24,586
Would you ask that of a man
who'd gone paint-balling,
605
00:33:24,753 --> 00:33:27,927
realised he'd left his goggles at
reception but carried on anyway?
606
00:33:28,131 --> 00:33:29,678
- Why?
- You're looking at him.
607
00:33:29,925 --> 00:33:31,848
OK, guys, quick wa-wa.
608
00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,513
Just had a pow-wow with
Jase, upshot is...
609
00:33:35,180 --> 00:33:37,274
I'm gonna be his right-hand
man on this one.
610
00:33:37,474 --> 00:33:40,273
He'll be um... my left-hand man.
611
00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:42,771
- Er...
- Sorry.
612
00:33:42,938 --> 00:33:45,657
The point is, Pat
has not gone mad.
613
00:33:46,107 --> 00:33:48,701
He has a grievance. He
needs some son of outlet.
614
00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:55,084
This is Pat Farrell, welcoming you to Roll
Out The Farrell on North Norfolk Digital.
615
00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:57,627
OK. Pat may have...
may have gone mad.
616
00:33:57,786 --> 00:33:59,834
He may have gone mad.
617
00:34:00,372 --> 00:34:03,672
And now we have a text from
Cynthia in Holt, who writes,
618
00:34:03,833 --> 00:34:05,551
Dear Pat, we are sending
you a bottle...
619
00:34:05,752 --> 00:34:08,972
- Ma'am, you'd better listen to this.
- ..Of our homemade plum Brandy.
620
00:34:09,130 --> 00:34:11,098
We use it to make
Brandy butter...
621
00:34:11,258 --> 00:34:14,683
- Why am I listening to shit radio?
- That's Pat Farrell, ma'am.
622
00:34:14,844 --> 00:34:16,437
He's broadcasting
from the siege.
623
00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:19,019
Mm, yum, Cynthia. Can't wait.
624
00:34:19,224 --> 00:34:21,943
Can you gently remind Pat
that we had an agreement?
625
00:34:22,102 --> 00:34:24,070
You are there to
communicate with us.
626
00:34:24,229 --> 00:34:27,733
Listen, I don't know what it says
in your police operation manual...
627
00:34:27,899 --> 00:34:30,618
- ..or in Psycho-babble Weekly.
- Penguin Book of Sieges.
628
00:34:30,819 --> 00:34:32,742
...or The Penguin
Book of Sieges,
629
00:34:32,946 --> 00:34:35,995
...but out here in the field,
it's plenty different.
630
00:34:37,033 --> 00:34:41,209
I've got a guy with a gun and a gripe
to grind, and he say, "No speaky."
631
00:34:41,371 --> 00:34:44,375
I would really like to establish
a dialogue here, Alan.
632
00:34:44,541 --> 00:34:47,715
A simple tri-lateral exchange, from
Pat, to you, to me, to you, to Pat.
633
00:34:47,877 --> 00:34:50,847
- Do you understand?
- No more interruptions or else!
634
00:34:51,006 --> 00:34:53,680
You think I don't have balls?
I've got plenty of balls!
635
00:34:53,842 --> 00:34:56,311
I've got balls coming
out of my arse!
636
00:34:58,430 --> 00:35:00,853
- Er... did you hear that?
- Yes.
637
00:35:01,391 --> 00:35:04,270
Well, that's... that's the
end of the call. Bye.
638
00:35:05,353 --> 00:35:08,197
You are listening to
North Norfolk Digital.
639
00:35:09,441 --> 00:35:10,863
Shape.
640
00:35:11,026 --> 00:35:12,744
The Way You Want It To Be.
641
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:15,280
The way
you want it to be.
642
00:35:15,447 --> 00:35:18,166
- Where are all my jingles?
- Jason wanted them deleted.
643
00:35:18,325 --> 00:35:20,645
- He won't have deleted them all.
- He did delete them all.
644
00:35:20,660 --> 00:35:22,458
- He did delete them all, Pat.
- What?
645
00:35:22,621 --> 00:35:25,215
- It was jingle genocide.
- That's not helping, Simon.
646
00:35:25,373 --> 00:35:28,297
The bastard. Alan,
take over for me.
647
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:31,550
- No.
- I'm gonna straighten him out.
648
00:35:33,381 --> 00:35:35,475
Oh, and... keep it light.
649
00:35:36,176 --> 00:35:38,144
Right, um... OK.
650
00:35:38,303 --> 00:35:40,726
You're listening to the
Pat and Alan Show.
651
00:35:41,056 --> 00:35:43,184
- Mainly Pat.
- You, Jason. Yeah, you.
652
00:35:43,350 --> 00:35:46,024
We'll be asking...
w-what time...
653
00:35:47,395 --> 00:35:52,902
...does Mike paper slider
switch to... to...
654
00:35:53,068 --> 00:35:56,914
to mouse his chocolate cups?
655
00:35:57,072 --> 00:35:59,291
- It doesn't make sense.
- It doesn't make sense
656
00:35:59,491 --> 00:36:04,247
but if you can rearrange to make
sense then you could win... bins...
657
00:36:04,412 --> 00:36:06,335
and win...
658
00:36:06,498 --> 00:36:07,499
...and windows.
659
00:36:07,666 --> 00:36:10,886
- Alan, help me!
- So that's our win a bin and window,
660
00:36:11,086 --> 00:36:13,839
re-arrange the sentence,
keep it light, competition.
661
00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:16,508
Oh, shit.
662
00:36:16,758 --> 00:36:19,136
This is the theme
from Ski Sunday.
663
00:36:19,344 --> 00:36:20,846
Sorry for swearing.
664
00:36:21,012 --> 00:36:23,106
♪ Theme tune
665
00:36:26,518 --> 00:36:29,271
I've put up with shits like
you for most of my life...
666
00:36:38,363 --> 00:36:39,660
One hour.
667
00:36:40,573 --> 00:36:44,077
And if that jingle isn't word
for word what I just said,
668
00:36:44,244 --> 00:36:48,715
I am going to shoot you in the feet,
then the knees, then the hands.
669
00:36:49,791 --> 00:36:53,216
And basically anything you've
got two of, like your face.
670
00:36:54,254 --> 00:36:56,177
Oh, yeah. Two-faced.
671
00:36:56,339 --> 00:36:58,387
One hour.
672
00:37:01,845 --> 00:37:05,850
One hour? This is impossible.
I'm gonna fucking die.
673
00:37:06,015 --> 00:37:07,767
What are we gonna do?
674
00:37:07,934 --> 00:37:09,902
You can't do a top-quality
jingle in an hour.
675
00:37:10,061 --> 00:37:13,065
We can do this. Let me
tell you a story, um...
676
00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:16,610
Back in the day, I was MC-ing a
conference for Reynard Pharmaceuticals.
677
00:37:16,818 --> 00:37:19,321
Some of the marketing
guys were doing karaoke.
678
00:37:19,487 --> 00:37:22,161
I didn't join in, I tended
to shun Japanese culture.
679
00:37:22,323 --> 00:37:24,667
This was the mid-90s,
it was more acceptable.
680
00:37:24,826 --> 00:37:27,921
But high on a cocktail of champagne
and cheap Fosters lager,
681
00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:30,002
I lunged at the microphone.
682
00:37:30,165 --> 00:37:32,418
A few minutes later, I
was making grown men cry
683
00:37:32,584 --> 00:37:35,554
with my rendition of Summer
Of '69 by Bryan Adams.
684
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:38,594
Thing is, I twisted the
lyrics to the Summer Of '29,
685
00:37:38,798 --> 00:37:42,098
evoking memories of the Wall Street
Crash and German hyperinflation.
686
00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:46,106
- Remember, these guys were in sales.
- Alan, where are you going with this?
687
00:37:46,264 --> 00:37:48,608
The point is, he didn't think
he was any good at singing,
688
00:37:48,767 --> 00:37:50,610
and it turns out
he was quite good.
689
00:37:50,769 --> 00:37:53,067
- Yeah, that.
- And that if you really, really try
690
00:37:53,229 --> 00:37:54,697
- you can do anything.
- And that.
691
00:37:54,856 --> 00:37:57,405
I don't care! I'm
going to fucking die!
692
00:37:57,609 --> 00:38:01,034
Hey, hey, I'm trying to save your
head, shoulders, knees and toes.
693
00:38:01,196 --> 00:38:04,325
- Knees and toes.
- OK, man up, musos.
694
00:38:04,491 --> 00:38:06,994
- I played synth in a jazz funk band.
- Great, who else?
695
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:09,128
I used to be the
drummer in Marillion.
696
00:38:09,287 --> 00:38:11,381
Really? There's no time for that.
697
00:38:11,539 --> 00:38:14,133
- But wow and great.
- What are you gonna do first?
698
00:38:17,962 --> 00:38:20,385
I'm gonna lay down
a rhythm track.
699
00:38:29,098 --> 00:38:30,315
Oh.
700
00:38:30,475 --> 00:38:32,148
Lynn Benfield?
701
00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:35,154
- I am she.
- Do you know Mr. Alan Partridge?
702
00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:36,690
OK.
703
00:38:36,856 --> 00:38:38,574
He wasn't stealing crisps.
704
00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:41,031
He just gets flustered at
self-service checkouts
705
00:38:41,194 --> 00:38:43,822
- and takes things without scanning them.
- Miss Benfield...
706
00:38:43,988 --> 00:38:47,913
He doesn't like being told to put things
in bagging areas by automated women.
707
00:38:48,076 --> 00:38:50,670
No, Miss Benfield, we're here
because Mr. Partridge is
708
00:38:50,870 --> 00:38:52,668
currently involved
in an armed siege.
709
00:38:53,039 --> 00:38:55,758
- Oh.
- We're informing you as his next of kin.
710
00:38:58,878 --> 00:39:00,175
Take me to him.
711
00:39:02,757 --> 00:39:05,601
♪ Pat Farrell had a
loyal following in
712
00:39:06,094 --> 00:39:08,517
♪ The local community
713
00:39:08,847 --> 00:39:11,646
♪ But Goredale Media
fucked him over
714
00:39:11,808 --> 00:39:14,903
♪ Cos they don't
care about loyalty
715
00:39:15,353 --> 00:39:18,106
♪ The only things they
give a shit about
716
00:39:18,273 --> 00:39:20,947
♪ Is the profit margins
717
00:39:21,401 --> 00:39:24,200
♪ And if they don't
re-instate him
718
00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:27,206
♪ He'll take it out
on the hostages
719
00:39:27,407 --> 00:39:29,785
♪ Even the ones with kids
720
00:39:29,951 --> 00:39:32,921
♪ Better get yourself
some body bags
721
00:39:36,332 --> 00:39:38,050
That was beautiful.
722
00:39:38,209 --> 00:39:40,428
- Could you make me some more?
- Ooh. Er...
723
00:39:41,296 --> 00:39:43,264
- Definitely!
- Yes, maybe.
724
00:39:47,218 --> 00:39:50,563
Local folk trio Will'o-the-wisp
won't be coming in now.
725
00:39:50,722 --> 00:39:54,352
Apparently, there are road closures
in Norwich due to a major police...
726
00:39:54,559 --> 00:39:56,937
Thanks for waiting, Miss Benfield.
727
00:39:57,103 --> 00:40:00,152
We're speaking to anyone who can help
us build a picture of Pat Farrell.
728
00:40:00,315 --> 00:40:01,908
- You said you know him?
- Ah, well...
729
00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:04,615
I made three cakes for
him over the last year.
730
00:40:04,861 --> 00:40:07,705
But there was nothing in them that
would have led him to do this.
731
00:40:07,864 --> 00:40:09,439
They were very plain.
732
00:40:09,452 --> 00:40:11,212
That's not one of our
lines of investigation.
733
00:40:11,242 --> 00:40:13,244
Just tell us what
you know about Pat.
734
00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:16,039
Irish. Shock of
brown, curly hair.
735
00:40:16,205 --> 00:40:20,176
He's a strong man, with strong
arms and a good walk. Moves well.
736
00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:22,761
- That's very helpful, Lynn.
- Oh.
737
00:40:22,921 --> 00:40:24,923
- Thank you.
- Now, how about some coffee?
738
00:40:25,089 --> 00:40:27,057
Oh, of course. How
do you take it?
739
00:40:27,216 --> 00:40:30,436
No, no, we'll get it for you.
Just sit there, I'll be back.
740
00:40:31,220 --> 00:40:32,267
Oh...
741
00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:34,432
Wichita Lineman
742
00:40:38,311 --> 00:40:40,484
I hate all this shit.
Telling us how to speak.
743
00:40:40,647 --> 00:40:43,116
They think they're giving us
an identity but they're...
744
00:40:43,274 --> 00:40:44,867
Turning us into nobodies.
745
00:40:45,026 --> 00:40:47,154
We're just unit-shifters
for the money men.
746
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:49,197
Sounds quite good.
747
00:40:52,575 --> 00:40:56,921
Alan, did you ever imagine what
life would be like in your 50s?
748
00:40:57,205 --> 00:40:59,879
I had hopes and dreams.
I think we all did.
749
00:41:01,167 --> 00:41:02,635
Penny for them.
750
00:41:02,794 --> 00:41:05,217
Keep the penny,
you've got a gun.
751
00:41:05,380 --> 00:41:08,975
But, yeah, I used to dream that one
day I'd drive a brand-new Range Rover
752
00:41:09,133 --> 00:41:10,976
towing a speed boat.
753
00:41:11,135 --> 00:41:14,309
I used to dream about growing
old with someone I love.
754
00:41:15,139 --> 00:41:16,982
Hm. Both valid.
755
00:41:17,141 --> 00:41:19,235
It's not gonna
happen now, is it?
756
00:41:24,816 --> 00:41:26,864
I miss my Molly so much.
757
00:41:30,905 --> 00:41:32,999
- Who's this chap?
- That's Molly.
758
00:41:33,908 --> 00:41:35,376
Yes, of course.
759
00:41:37,745 --> 00:41:40,624
She's got such... brown hair.
760
00:41:43,209 --> 00:41:46,884
A year after that was
taken, the angels took her.
761
00:41:49,924 --> 00:41:51,551
Must have been a few of them.
762
00:41:51,718 --> 00:41:54,642
Now I've nobody. No wife.
763
00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:57,440
No family. No kids.
764
00:42:02,562 --> 00:42:04,735
I've gotta say, Pat, kids
don't make you happy.
765
00:42:04,897 --> 00:42:08,151
Some of the unhappiest times of
my life have been with my kids.
766
00:42:08,317 --> 00:42:10,365
I remember...
767
00:42:10,528 --> 00:42:13,407
a holiday on the
beach in Prestatyn.
768
00:42:13,656 --> 00:42:18,287
The kids came over to me and
said, "Papa, Papa! Follow me,"
769
00:42:18,453 --> 00:42:20,547
and... you know...
770
00:42:21,039 --> 00:42:23,918
I followed them about 200
yards across the sand dunes.
771
00:42:24,083 --> 00:42:28,008
When I got there, finally, all
they'd done was dug a big hole.
772
00:42:29,797 --> 00:42:31,390
Miserable.
773
00:42:34,510 --> 00:42:36,604
Sounds lovely.
774
00:42:42,977 --> 00:42:47,278
♪ And the Wichita lineman
775
00:42:48,566 --> 00:42:54,289
♪ Is still on the line
776
00:43:01,913 --> 00:43:03,039
Go-o-o-od morning!
777
00:43:03,206 --> 00:43:05,129
Crayfish!
778
00:43:06,918 --> 00:43:08,420
I feel absolutely great.
779
00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:11,715
There's a lot to be said for a
good sleep and a hot shower.
780
00:43:12,673 --> 00:43:13,799
Yeah.
781
00:43:14,592 --> 00:43:16,686
Sleep well, Alan?
782
00:43:17,220 --> 00:43:19,314
Er... yes, thank you.
783
00:43:20,431 --> 00:43:22,559
As the Shape siege enters
its first morning,
784
00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:24,272
police are refusing to confirm
785
00:43:24,477 --> 00:43:26,571
the number or identities
of the hostages
786
00:43:26,729 --> 00:43:28,402
still being held at gunpoint
787
00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:30,404
by sacked DJ, Pat Farrell.
788
00:43:30,858 --> 00:43:32,201
Fellow DJ Alan Partridge
789
00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:33,737
is in contact with the police
790
00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:36,201
who are now set up at
the school behind me.
791
00:43:36,364 --> 00:43:38,366
What would you like
us to play, Iris?
792
00:43:38,533 --> 00:43:40,160
Always On My Mind
by Willie Nelson.
793
00:43:40,326 --> 00:43:41,418
Aw.
794
00:43:41,577 --> 00:43:45,207
I would love to, Iris, but unfortunately
that's not in the system.
795
00:43:45,373 --> 00:43:48,047
We are only allowed
play-approved tracks.
796
00:43:48,209 --> 00:43:51,554
But, Pat, you've got a gun. You
can play whatever you like.
797
00:43:51,712 --> 00:43:54,261
Leave it with me and I'll
see what I can do, OK?
798
00:43:55,383 --> 00:43:57,806
Remember we used to
choose our own records?
799
00:43:57,969 --> 00:44:02,065
Yeah. Or put on a compilation album if
you were tired or couldn't be bothered.
800
00:44:02,223 --> 00:44:04,066
Yeah.
801
00:44:04,225 --> 00:44:06,193
You like country music, Alan?
802
00:44:06,352 --> 00:44:07,979
Can't say I do, Pat.
803
00:44:08,187 --> 00:44:11,657
It's just jilted spouses
complaining whilst drunk.
804
00:44:12,191 --> 00:44:14,159
Also known as a date,
if you're over 40.
805
00:44:14,318 --> 00:44:16,946
When a listener asks for a
song and I don't have it,
806
00:44:17,113 --> 00:44:19,207
I feel like I've let them down.
807
00:44:19,907 --> 00:44:22,376
And Willie Nelson was
Molly's favourite too.
808
00:44:22,535 --> 00:44:25,960
And Always On My Mind
was her favourite song.
809
00:44:35,214 --> 00:44:37,888
Do you remember that?
The old road show bus.
810
00:44:38,050 --> 00:44:40,303
Remember it? I took my
family camping in that.
811
00:44:40,469 --> 00:44:42,437
- Yeah?
- That was a tough nine days.
812
00:44:42,638 --> 00:44:45,437
You see, this bus brought
joy to hundreds.
813
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:47,102
I wonder where it is now.
814
00:44:47,268 --> 00:44:50,021
Probably impounded after
it crushed those scouts.
815
00:44:50,188 --> 00:44:52,065
No, no, it's in the basement.
816
00:44:52,231 --> 00:44:53,278
- Oh?
- Yeah.
817
00:44:53,441 --> 00:44:55,409
- Did not know that.
- I used... Oh!
818
00:44:55,568 --> 00:44:58,367
- Forgot the record. Hold that, will you?
- Sure.
819
00:45:09,999 --> 00:45:12,093
- Give me the gun, Alan.
- Yeah.
820
00:45:14,587 --> 00:45:17,215
- The gun, Alan.
- I was looking at my clothes before.
821
00:45:17,381 --> 00:45:20,555
Some people call it gear, don't they?
Others call it an outfit.
822
00:45:20,718 --> 00:45:22,595
But I call it clobber!
823
00:45:23,679 --> 00:45:25,681
Jesus!
824
00:45:25,848 --> 00:45:27,441
Alan! Alan!
825
00:45:27,642 --> 00:45:29,565
Alan! Alan, give me the gun!
826
00:45:29,769 --> 00:45:32,067
- Armed police, stay where you are!
- Give me the gun.
827
00:45:32,230 --> 00:45:33,482
Drop the weapon!
828
00:45:36,484 --> 00:45:37,531
Alan!
829
00:45:38,361 --> 00:45:39,988
Alan, open the door.
830
00:45:40,196 --> 00:45:43,291
I'm just trying to find
some way to escape.
831
00:45:43,449 --> 00:45:44,496
Alan! Alan!
832
00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:48,833
Ayatollah!
833
00:45:52,291 --> 00:45:53,668
He's got a shooter.
834
00:45:57,129 --> 00:45:58,551
Aargh!
835
00:46:01,717 --> 00:46:03,765
- You all right, Alan?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
836
00:46:03,928 --> 00:46:05,430
Cuddle me, cop!
837
00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:07,272
Argh!
838
00:46:07,431 --> 00:46:09,058
Target down.
839
00:46:09,225 --> 00:46:10,977
Yours, I believe.
840
00:46:11,143 --> 00:46:13,737
You probably thought I was gay
when I gave you that cuddle.
841
00:46:13,896 --> 00:46:15,273
Don't worry, I'm not.
842
00:46:15,439 --> 00:46:17,942
- You're really cool, Alan.
- Yeah, we think you're cool.
843
00:46:18,109 --> 00:46:20,862
Thank you. Sorry, who are you?
844
00:46:22,488 --> 00:46:23,865
Jason Statham.
845
00:46:24,073 --> 00:46:25,290
Jason Bourne.
846
00:46:25,449 --> 00:46:27,543
Jason Argonaut.
847
00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:30,584
- Jason Argonaut?
- Mm.
848
00:46:30,746 --> 00:46:33,340
- It's Jason and the Argonauts.
- Yes.
849
00:46:33,499 --> 00:46:34,671
Are you all right?
850
00:46:34,834 --> 00:46:38,805
You just said, "clobber" and
then "Jason and the Argonauts".
851
00:46:38,963 --> 00:46:41,933
- Oh, sorry.
- All right.
852
00:46:42,091 --> 00:46:44,185
- We go?
- Yeah.
853
00:46:44,969 --> 00:46:47,188
Oh, er... by the way, thanks
for not taking the gun.
854
00:46:47,346 --> 00:46:48,768
Oh... that's fine.
855
00:46:49,098 --> 00:46:51,942
You're listening to Pat Farrell.
This is Willie Nelson,
856
00:46:52,143 --> 00:46:54,145
Always On My Mind.
857
00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:57,607
For someone who's always on
my mind, my late wife Molly.
858
00:46:58,024 --> 00:47:01,119
♪ Maybe I didn't love you
859
00:47:04,447 --> 00:47:07,496
♪ Quite as often
as I could have
860
00:47:11,120 --> 00:47:14,841
♪ Maybe I didn't treat you...
861
00:47:18,252 --> 00:47:21,005
- Does that man look 59 to you?
- I didn't look.
862
00:47:21,172 --> 00:47:24,346
- I just put his name into Google Images.
- This is Pat Farrell.
863
00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:28,305
That is a Pat Farrell. Do
I have to do everything?
864
00:47:29,263 --> 00:47:30,890
Ma'am, you better hear this.
865
00:47:31,057 --> 00:47:33,185
It's taken from the
transcript of the broadcast.
866
00:47:35,478 --> 00:47:38,573
I wish this was abroad because it would
make a brilliant Banged Up Abroad.
867
00:47:38,731 --> 00:47:40,199
What's
Banged Up Abroad?
868
00:47:40,358 --> 00:47:43,487
- You don't know Banged Up Abroad?
- No.
869
00:47:43,652 --> 00:47:45,575
Everyone
knows Banged Up Abroad.
870
00:47:45,738 --> 00:47:47,991
I don't. What
is Banged Up Abroad?
871
00:47:48,157 --> 00:47:50,660
You seriously
don't know Banged Up Abroad?
872
00:47:50,826 --> 00:47:52,043
You have to be shitting me.
873
00:47:52,203 --> 00:47:53,796
"I've never
even heard of..."
874
00:47:53,954 --> 00:47:57,299
Just get to the bit where they
stop saying Banged Up Abroad.
875
00:48:00,544 --> 00:48:04,174
- I.
- Once banged up a broad.
876
00:48:04,340 --> 00:48:07,469
"That's the best you've
got, even with a gun to your head?"
877
00:48:07,635 --> 00:48:09,979
He's got a gun to his head.
878
00:48:10,638 --> 00:48:13,687
I remember once coming to in a skip
in the middle of the afternoon
879
00:48:13,849 --> 00:48:15,476
with my underpants in my mouth.
880
00:48:15,684 --> 00:48:18,528
"Oh,
these are not my pants!"
881
00:48:18,687 --> 00:48:22,863
Oh, I can laugh about it
now but, you know, back then...
882
00:48:23,067 --> 00:48:26,367
Sssh, ssh. What's that?
883
00:48:27,446 --> 00:48:29,665
Move
into position, over.
884
00:48:30,116 --> 00:48:32,039
It's the police.
885
00:48:32,201 --> 00:48:35,375
If you like canapés that are on the
turn, we've hit the motherload.
886
00:48:35,579 --> 00:48:39,174
Oblong plate, square bowl. Go figure.
Whatever happened to circles?
887
00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:41,711
I mean I've heard of a square
meal but that's ridiculous.
888
00:48:41,919 --> 00:48:43,921
I was just saying I've
heard of a square meal.
889
00:48:44,088 --> 00:48:45,590
Alan! Alan! Ssh, ssh.
890
00:48:45,756 --> 00:48:46,882
OK.
891
00:48:47,091 --> 00:48:49,185
- We think it's the police.
- Wait.
892
00:48:50,052 --> 00:48:52,805
- That definitely came from in there.
- That's just a cupboard.
893
00:48:52,972 --> 00:48:54,690
- It's not even an outside wall.
- Careful.
894
00:48:54,849 --> 00:48:57,227
- No, Jason...
- I'll protect you.
895
00:48:57,435 --> 00:49:00,985
It's not an outside wall.
Look, I'll show you. Look.
896
00:49:03,149 --> 00:49:04,992
- Michael?
- Aye, aye, Mister Partridge.
897
00:49:05,151 --> 00:49:06,573
What are you hiding
in there for?
898
00:49:06,735 --> 00:49:09,864
I found myself a place of concealment,
like when I was on manoeuvres.
899
00:49:10,072 --> 00:49:12,871
Take your light off. You're
blinding everyone you speak to.
900
00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:14,501
- Now it's flashing.
- Sorry.
901
00:49:15,411 --> 00:49:19,257
Michael. You look like some
sort of big Geordie Anne Frank.
902
00:49:19,457 --> 00:49:21,585
- How long have you been here?
- All night.
903
00:49:21,750 --> 00:49:23,351
- What did you eat?
- I had me lunch box.
904
00:49:23,461 --> 00:49:25,134
- Where did you go to the toilet?
- No.
905
00:49:25,296 --> 00:49:27,173
I had me lunch box.
906
00:49:27,339 --> 00:49:29,717
Thank God it's got a smoky
finish with an airtight seal.
907
00:49:29,925 --> 00:49:31,768
I tell you what. It
seals in the freshness.
908
00:49:31,969 --> 00:49:34,097
No, Michael. It seals
out the freshness.
909
00:49:34,263 --> 00:49:35,810
What is going on in here?
910
00:49:35,973 --> 00:49:38,226
Michael's just visiting
us from the cupboard.
911
00:49:38,392 --> 00:49:39,609
No need to get shouty-shouty.
912
00:49:39,768 --> 00:49:42,066
Did those Goredale bastards
put you up to this?
913
00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:44,903
- No.
- No, no. I've been in here a few nights.
914
00:49:45,065 --> 00:49:46,783
- No, one night.
- No, a few nights.
915
00:49:46,942 --> 00:49:48,785
A few nights this week
and the week before.
916
00:49:48,944 --> 00:49:51,038
- Why?
- Me brother wanted the bed to himself.
917
00:49:51,197 --> 00:49:53,120
Ah, yes. Michael suffers
from night terrors.
918
00:49:53,282 --> 00:49:54,875
He thrashes about
like a big salmon.
919
00:49:55,034 --> 00:49:56,377
What's in the box?
920
00:49:57,203 --> 00:50:00,127
Er... Michael... Michael
let himself down.
921
00:50:03,167 --> 00:50:05,465
I'm really sorry. I
done a shit in the box.
922
00:50:06,003 --> 00:50:08,722
Well, get rid of it.
Throw it out the window.
923
00:50:11,759 --> 00:50:13,761
Fall back! Fall back!
924
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:17,852
Armed police!
925
00:50:18,015 --> 00:50:19,858
- Identify yourself!
- Identify yourself!
926
00:50:20,059 --> 00:50:23,063
Alan Partridge. Who the f...
Alan Partridge!
927
00:50:23,229 --> 00:50:25,778
You know who I am. I haven't
been off the TV that long.
928
00:50:25,940 --> 00:50:29,069
- "Identify yourself."
- Alan, it's OK, I'm here. You're safe.
929
00:50:29,235 --> 00:50:31,488
Yeah, tell them to stop
pointing their guns at me.
930
00:50:31,654 --> 00:50:34,658
- Lower your weapons.
- Yeah, lower your weapons.
931
00:50:35,991 --> 00:50:39,120
Take your hand off your gun.
Take your hand off your gun.
932
00:50:39,286 --> 00:50:41,664
And the other hand. I
can wait here all day.
933
00:50:41,872 --> 00:50:43,374
Do as he says.
934
00:50:43,541 --> 00:50:46,135
Thank you. Why do you have to
turn it into a competition?
935
00:50:46,293 --> 00:50:48,512
Just because I won. OK.
936
00:50:48,671 --> 00:50:50,344
OK. Stop. Pat, stop tugging me.
937
00:50:50,506 --> 00:50:52,349
I told you I've got a
very sensitive tummy.
938
00:50:52,508 --> 00:50:53,680
Who are you talking to, Alan?
939
00:50:53,842 --> 00:50:55,890
I've got Pat on the end of
the line in both senses.
940
00:50:56,053 --> 00:50:58,772
I'm tethered to the building via
this rope and relaying messages
941
00:50:58,931 --> 00:51:02,231
from Pat via this state-of-the-art
Sennheiser 1,000 head set.
942
00:51:02,393 --> 00:51:04,441
Nice bit of kit. Yeah, I'm
telling them that now.
943
00:51:04,603 --> 00:51:06,651
If you'd listened, you'd
know I'm telling them.
944
00:51:06,814 --> 00:51:10,318
- Pat says “Hi".
- Hi, Pat.
945
00:51:10,484 --> 00:51:12,578
And hi to your fellow officers.
946
00:51:13,195 --> 00:51:15,163
Hi. Hi, Pat.
947
00:51:15,364 --> 00:51:19,460
Alan, listen. Pat works with us
here, this can all end well. OK?
948
00:51:19,618 --> 00:51:21,179
- I give him my word.
- OK, just... Yep.
949
00:51:21,328 --> 00:51:23,456
OK. Pat, you've got to...
you're rambling.
950
00:51:23,664 --> 00:51:25,177
"You've got to be more concise.
What do you want?
951
00:51:25,190 --> 00:51:26,713
“I want a helicopter."
952
00:51:26,917 --> 00:51:29,011
That's just an
example, by the way.
953
00:51:30,337 --> 00:51:31,884
Yeah, OK. He wants a helicopter.
954
00:51:32,089 --> 00:51:34,217
That might not
be possible, Alan.
955
00:51:34,383 --> 00:51:37,057
But let's dialogue. What
else can we do for him?
956
00:51:43,892 --> 00:51:47,066
Pat says, "Fucking stupid pigs.
What the hell's going on?"
957
00:51:47,229 --> 00:51:50,199
Pat, listen to me. That
was not an attack, OK?
958
00:51:50,357 --> 00:51:53,827
We just had to dispose of a box around
the corner in a controlled manner.
959
00:51:54,028 --> 00:51:56,229
Pat would prefer it if you
spoke through me, as would I.
960
00:51:56,363 --> 00:51:59,833
Marlin says they deployed a
remote RV fitted with a disruptor
961
00:51:59,992 --> 00:52:02,045
to neutralise a suspected IED.
He doesn't know
962
00:52:02,058 --> 00:52:04,122
what you're talking about.
He's quite angry.
963
00:52:04,288 --> 00:52:06,089
He's honking in my ear
like a mad Irish goose.
964
00:52:07,416 --> 00:52:09,293
Aha!
We love you, Alan!
965
00:52:09,460 --> 00:52:11,929
Um... do you mind? It's
not a radio road show.
966
00:52:12,087 --> 00:52:15,512
- I'm trying to host a siege here.
- We love you, Alan!
967
00:52:15,674 --> 00:52:18,223
Get away. Who said that?
968
00:52:18,594 --> 00:52:19,811
What's it like in there?
969
00:52:19,970 --> 00:52:23,850
Ah... scary, stressful,
lots of shouting.
970
00:52:24,558 --> 00:52:27,107
A bit like being married again.
971
00:52:27,603 --> 00:52:30,026
And there's a crazy person
running around with a gun.
972
00:52:30,189 --> 00:52:33,113
So it's a lot like being married again.
973
00:52:33,275 --> 00:52:38,702
And er... when I saw a guy with a shotgun
in his mouth begging for mercy then...
974
00:52:38,906 --> 00:52:40,954
You're ahead of me.
975
00:52:41,116 --> 00:52:42,596
You're ahead of me.
A lot of you are.
976
00:52:42,743 --> 00:52:45,542
He's still got his hand on his gun.
He thinks I don't know. Yeah, you.
977
00:52:45,704 --> 00:52:47,957
- I'm looking at you. Peripheral vision.
- Alan.
978
00:52:48,123 --> 00:52:50,467
I'm not retreating,
Pat's tugging me off.
979
00:52:50,626 --> 00:52:51,843
No, come on.
980
00:52:52,002 --> 00:52:54,630
- We're better than that. Guys, seriously.
- Alan, wait!
981
00:52:54,797 --> 00:52:57,641
By the way, there's an extra hostage.
Meant to tell you that.
982
00:53:02,346 --> 00:53:04,599
In a surprise development,
DJ Alan Partridge
983
00:53:04,765 --> 00:53:07,894
appeared outside the building,
while tethered to a rope.
984
00:53:08,102 --> 00:53:12,152
Footage of his address is already one
of the most viewed You Tube videos
985
00:53:12,356 --> 00:53:14,450
since "Fat Woman
Falls Down Hole".
986
00:53:14,608 --> 00:53:16,531
Mr. Partridge, whose
Facebook page
987
00:53:16,694 --> 00:53:19,243
lists one of his interests
as hand-to-hand combat,
988
00:53:19,405 --> 00:53:23,831
has been acting as mediator between police
and the hostage-taker, Pat Farrell.
989
00:53:23,992 --> 00:53:27,792
As people around the world
ask, who is Alan Partridge?
990
00:53:28,997 --> 00:53:31,250
That was a majestic voice.
991
00:53:31,417 --> 00:53:33,971
You can keep Jesus. As
far as I'm concerned,
992
00:53:33,984 --> 00:53:36,548
Neil Diamond will always
be King of the Jews.
993
00:53:36,714 --> 00:53:38,261
You are listening to...
994
00:53:38,465 --> 00:53:41,139
- ..the partridge and the poacher.
995
00:53:42,511 --> 00:53:46,857
And, what I believe is a world
first, I, Alan Partridge, a hostage,
996
00:53:47,015 --> 00:53:50,610
broadcasting live from
a siege at gunpoint.
997
00:53:50,769 --> 00:53:51,861
Pure class, Alan.
998
00:53:52,062 --> 00:53:56,158
And today, we'll be asking, what
was better in the olden days?
999
00:53:56,316 --> 00:53:58,569
OK, Pat, shoot. I mean,
you know, start speaking.
1000
00:53:58,736 --> 00:54:00,158
- Terry in Necton.
- Egypt.
1001
00:54:00,362 --> 00:54:02,706
- I'm liking this.
- They used to build the pyramids,
1002
00:54:02,865 --> 00:54:04,742
now they can't get you
a taxi to the airport.
1003
00:54:04,908 --> 00:54:07,002
Terry, I like the way you think.
Please call again.
1004
00:54:07,161 --> 00:54:08,788
- Will do.
- Nicholas in Weybourne.
1005
00:54:08,954 --> 00:54:11,207
- Nurses were better in the old days.
- Bull's-eye.
1006
00:54:11,373 --> 00:54:14,297
They used to be these Florence
Nightingale type figures.
1007
00:54:14,460 --> 00:54:17,259
These days it's just, you know,
short-haired women in trousers
1008
00:54:17,421 --> 00:54:19,014
washing their own
hands at a sink.
1009
00:54:19,214 --> 00:54:22,468
Later on, I'll be asking which vegetable
has the greatest torsional strength -
1010
00:54:22,634 --> 00:54:25,808
ie, which can withstand the greatest
twisting load before rupture?
1011
00:54:25,971 --> 00:54:29,316
- Caroline in Sprowston.
- Beards were better in the olden days.
1012
00:54:29,516 --> 00:54:30,813
- Love it.
- Sebastian in Holt.
1013
00:54:30,976 --> 00:54:32,944
- UK manufacturing.
- Good. Good, but dull.
1014
00:54:33,103 --> 00:54:34,980
- Paul in East Runton.
- Kill 'em all, Pat.
1015
00:54:35,147 --> 00:54:36,490
Shoot the women first.
1016
00:54:36,648 --> 00:54:41,324
We'll also be asking, have you ever
met a genuinely clever bus driver?
1017
00:54:41,487 --> 00:54:43,660
I wonder what the listening
figures are for this.
1018
00:54:43,822 --> 00:54:45,916
Yeah. Can you stop drumming?
1019
00:54:46,074 --> 00:54:48,247
OK. Time for fact of the day.
1020
00:54:48,452 --> 00:54:51,205
Fact of the day.
Sponsored by Norfolk Dairies.
1021
00:54:52,790 --> 00:54:55,714
- Cows don't have hymens.
- Absolutely correct.
1022
00:54:55,876 --> 00:54:58,470
Cows do not have hymens, just
a partially opened cervix.
1023
00:54:58,629 --> 00:55:00,131
The time is 10:22.
1024
00:55:00,297 --> 00:55:03,892
Right now, to your muster stations.
It's Bryan Ferry.
1025
00:55:04,092 --> 00:55:06,094
♪ Let's Stick Together
1026
00:55:06,261 --> 00:55:08,434
Ah... that was... that was er...
1027
00:55:08,597 --> 00:55:10,395
- Very good.
- Yeah. Radio gravy.
1028
00:55:10,557 --> 00:55:11,900
Wow.
1029
00:55:12,059 --> 00:55:14,733
I suppose you forget about the
gun after a while, don't you?
1030
00:55:14,895 --> 00:55:17,114
- No, I don't.
- OK.
1031
00:55:17,731 --> 00:55:18,948
Good.
1032
00:55:25,697 --> 00:55:29,042
Lynn! Lynn Benfield,
can we have a word?
1033
00:55:29,576 --> 00:55:31,624
Oh, Alan doesn't like me
speaking to the press.
1034
00:55:31,787 --> 00:55:34,836
- We're not press. We're television.
- Well, I'm... I'm not really...
1035
00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:36,841
We've got hair and make-up.
1036
00:55:38,043 --> 00:55:39,215
Oh!
1037
00:55:39,962 --> 00:55:43,216
Back now to Norwich
where DJ Alan Partridge
1038
00:55:43,382 --> 00:55:46,386
- continues to bring news of the radio...
- Ah, Angela?
1039
00:55:46,552 --> 00:55:49,021
- Someone wants a word with you.
- Who?
1040
00:55:49,179 --> 00:55:50,726
Him.
1041
00:55:50,889 --> 00:55:53,312
Tensions on the Korean
peninsula continue...
1042
00:55:53,475 --> 00:55:55,603
- Why? ..Following
Kim Jong-il...
1043
00:55:55,769 --> 00:55:57,237
Oh... shit.
1044
00:55:57,396 --> 00:56:00,445
- .. Vegas, I was doing kind of...
1045
00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:02,075
..for anyone's price range...
1046
00:56:06,280 --> 00:56:07,827
..Mounting tensions
in North...
1047
00:56:22,170 --> 00:56:23,888
..Erectile dysfunction...
1048
00:56:27,092 --> 00:56:29,720
- Inside, Partridge seems unfazed...
- Ah, him.
1049
00:56:29,887 --> 00:56:31,889
- Me on TV. Good photo.
- He tried instead
1050
00:56:32,055 --> 00:56:34,774
to calm the gunman by
joining him in the studio.
1051
00:56:35,309 --> 00:56:37,653
Yes, just your basic
disabled loo.
1052
00:56:37,811 --> 00:56:42,237
You've got your lowered seat pan, back pad,
high-vis grab bar, panic cord, lady bin.
1053
00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:44,151
Alan, calm down. You're
being all hectic.
1054
00:56:44,359 --> 00:56:47,613
This is because you're on TV, isn't it?
You're all puffed up like a Robin.
1055
00:56:48,697 --> 00:56:50,119
It's like you can see in me.
1056
00:56:50,282 --> 00:56:54,287
Alan, you didn't bring me in here to talk
about disabled toilet facilities, did you?
1057
00:56:54,453 --> 00:56:56,751
Yeah, I did. No, I didn't.
1058
00:56:59,333 --> 00:57:03,133
Oh, wow. Lynn, you
look fantastic.
1059
00:57:06,590 --> 00:57:08,684
Good gracious.
1060
00:57:12,554 --> 00:57:15,433
I'm sorry about the nasal whistle.
It's when I'm anxious.
1061
00:57:31,615 --> 00:57:35,745
You know... You know, "Shape -
the way you want it to be"?
1062
00:57:35,911 --> 00:57:38,289
- Yeah?
- Your shape's the way I want it to be.
1063
00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:40,048
I'm on about your body.
1064
00:57:43,001 --> 00:57:47,177
- What might this be?
- That... is my damned todger.
1065
00:57:47,798 --> 00:57:51,928
And it's all the fault of
a certain Miss Angela...
1066
00:57:52,511 --> 00:57:54,479
I'm sorry, I don't
know your second name.
1067
00:57:54,638 --> 00:57:58,268
He's very brave. He was once
feeding ducks in the park.
1068
00:57:58,475 --> 00:58:00,569
One took a peck at him and
instead of retreating,
1069
00:58:00,727 --> 00:58:02,980
- he hit it with the back of his hand.
1070
00:58:03,146 --> 00:58:06,571
- DJ Alan Partridge...
- Hi. You got time for a quick wah-wah?
1071
00:58:07,484 --> 00:58:09,031
- What?
- Quick wah-wah.
1072
00:58:10,028 --> 00:58:11,701
- Oh, you mean "wa-wa"?
- Yeah. Yeah.
1073
00:58:11,863 --> 00:58:14,082
- Sorry. You just did a different noise.
- Sorry.
1074
00:58:14,241 --> 00:58:18,041
Look... how are you feeling about this
whole media circus? How you feeling?
1075
00:58:18,245 --> 00:58:19,963
Between you and me,
pretty puffed up.
1076
00:58:20,122 --> 00:58:22,921
- Like an owl.
- Let's hope you're a wise one.
1077
00:58:23,083 --> 00:58:26,132
Nice. I pitched it up, you
knocked it out of the park.
1078
00:58:26,294 --> 00:58:28,137
Synergy. Oh, no,
that's lesbians.
1079
00:58:28,296 --> 00:58:29,576
Let me tell you something, Alan.
1080
00:58:29,756 --> 00:58:34,136
As far as the press is concerned,
you are the face of this siege.
1081
00:58:35,262 --> 00:58:37,185
- I am siege face.
- Exactly.
1082
00:58:37,347 --> 00:58:40,521
After this, you'll get more offers
than a whore at our Christmas party.
1083
00:58:42,686 --> 00:58:44,905
I like that. Yeah, I like that.
1084
00:58:45,063 --> 00:58:46,861
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1085
00:58:47,024 --> 00:58:49,197
You'd know a thing or two
about that, wouldn't you?
1086
00:58:49,359 --> 00:58:52,579
That would be... "Mm-hm. Hmm," he says.
That's a moustache.
1087
00:58:52,779 --> 00:58:54,281
Seriously, did you give her one?
1088
00:58:54,448 --> 00:58:58,043
Well, I... I gave her a ruddy big
kiss she won't forget in a hurry.
1089
00:58:58,201 --> 00:59:01,171
Hand on the outside of the bra. Er...
you know, reconnaissance.
1090
00:59:02,247 --> 00:59:04,676
And then I just held her
in my arms because she
1091
00:59:04,689 --> 00:59:07,128
told me she never knew
her mother, and I said,
1092
00:59:07,335 --> 00:59:10,509
"Well, my mother raised me
and lived to a ripe old age.
1093
00:59:10,672 --> 00:59:13,642
But guess what? I never
really knew her."
1094
00:59:14,593 --> 00:59:17,267
Erm... and...
1095
00:59:17,429 --> 00:59:19,602
To get back on track, erm...
1096
00:59:19,806 --> 00:59:21,683
Yeah, I mean... Yeah, whoo!
1097
00:59:22,267 --> 00:59:24,690
- I like you.
- I like you.
1098
00:59:24,853 --> 00:59:26,901
He likes me, Lynn. Jason
Tresswell likes me.
1099
00:59:27,064 --> 00:59:28,744
- Alan? Are you OK?
- I've got to be quick.
1100
00:59:28,899 --> 00:59:31,197
Pat thinks I've borrowed his
phone to play Angry Birds.
1101
00:59:31,401 --> 00:59:34,029
- Of course. What is it?
- A computerised bird-throwing game.
1102
00:59:34,196 --> 00:59:36,369
- No, I meant...
- I'm joking, Lynn.
1103
00:59:36,573 --> 00:59:38,416
Enjoy me. Everyone else is.
1104
00:59:38,617 --> 00:59:41,166
Goredale Media think I'm
some sort of Christ 2.0.
1105
00:59:41,328 --> 00:59:44,582
Do you know, I'm within a brair's
headth of getting the breakfast show.
1106
00:59:44,748 --> 00:59:47,217
I'll call myself the Morning
Rooster, or the Talking Cock.
1107
00:59:47,375 --> 00:59:49,844
- You're not thinking clearly.
- Yes, I am.
1108
00:59:50,003 --> 00:59:51,846
Lynn, I'll say this once
and I'll say it again.
1109
00:59:52,005 --> 00:59:55,635
My career's getting a shot in the arm and
if I can stay in here to the bitter end,
1110
00:59:55,801 --> 00:59:59,647
I will be the biggest thing to come out of
Norwich since... Lord Nelson or Trisha.
1111
00:59:59,805 --> 01:00:01,352
Think about that and
what that means.
1112
01:00:01,515 --> 01:00:03,734
Your priority is the
welfare of the hostages.
1113
01:00:03,892 --> 01:00:05,894
Good - put that out as a press
release and say I said it.
1114
01:00:06,061 --> 01:00:08,189
Alan, your ego's getting
the better of you.
1115
01:00:08,355 --> 01:00:11,825
I've just got to stay alert and focused.
I'm playing them like an oboe, Lynn.
1116
01:00:12,025 --> 01:00:14,119
How effed up is that?
1117
01:00:15,362 --> 01:00:17,410
- Alan? Alan?
- Oh...
1118
01:00:39,678 --> 01:00:42,101
Ohh! Christ's sake.
1119
01:00:46,101 --> 01:00:48,229
Not now. Oh, God.
1120
01:00:49,229 --> 01:00:51,323
I'm caught on the latch.
1121
01:01:04,411 --> 01:01:06,254
Oh, come on. Please.
1122
01:01:15,881 --> 01:01:19,511
Stop, armed police! Get
your hands above your head.
1123
01:01:19,676 --> 01:01:22,099
- I've just got...
- Get your hands above your head!
1124
01:01:22,262 --> 01:01:24,765
- I want to get those trousers.
- Do it! Hands above your head.
1125
01:01:24,931 --> 01:01:28,356
- They're my trousers.
- Get your hands above your head now!
1126
01:01:32,314 --> 01:01:34,567
What are you doing? It's weird.
1127
01:01:36,193 --> 01:01:37,911
There are paparazzi
all over the place
1128
01:01:38,069 --> 01:01:40,822
and I do not want them to get
a photograph of my genitals.
1129
01:01:42,949 --> 01:01:46,499
- Oh, come on!
- That's it, look at me.
1130
01:01:53,376 --> 01:01:55,674
And how were the
hostages when you left?
1131
01:01:56,588 --> 01:01:58,966
- Crouched.
- I mean, what's their state of mind?
1132
01:01:59,132 --> 01:02:02,853
Oh. Er... If I'm honest, a bit moany.
Yeah. Is someone writing this down?
1133
01:02:03,011 --> 01:02:05,355
- Yeah.
- Sorry. I thought you were some clothes.
1134
01:02:05,513 --> 01:02:07,982
Thanks for the forensic
trousers, by the way.
1135
01:02:08,642 --> 01:02:10,644
- Could you just um...?
- Crikey. Yeah, sorry.
1136
01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:14,360
I was actually going to fashion a
sort of make-shift modesty sporran
1137
01:02:14,522 --> 01:02:16,695
from the vacant arm flaps.
1138
01:02:21,154 --> 01:02:24,249
OK, I
think we're done here.
1139
01:02:24,407 --> 01:02:28,332
Any chance of freshening up? I just need
to wipe my face with a big hot towel.
1140
01:02:28,495 --> 01:02:31,499
Presumably you wanna use me
as part of your media strat?
1141
01:02:33,708 --> 01:02:34,800
No.
1142
01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:36,337
- Do you agree?
- 100 per cent.
1143
01:02:36,503 --> 01:02:37,675
Gotcha.
1144
01:02:38,380 --> 01:02:41,930
The police said you could do media
interviews when the siege is over.
1145
01:02:42,092 --> 01:02:44,544
It will be too late then, Lynn.
People move on.
1146
01:02:44,557 --> 01:02:47,019
Goredale Media will move on.
1147
01:02:47,931 --> 01:02:49,933
But you're still
being talked about.
1148
01:02:50,100 --> 01:02:53,695
Only cos every time I look at the telly,
they're showing a picture of my arse.
1149
01:02:53,895 --> 01:02:57,274
It's all right for you. Every other time I
look, they show a picture of your face.
1150
01:02:57,440 --> 01:03:00,489
And then the next time - surprise,
surprise, my arse again.
1151
01:03:00,652 --> 01:03:02,495
I was only telling
people about you.
1152
01:03:02,654 --> 01:03:08,252
You know, I was Goredale's golden goose,
and now I'm just Partridge pie, with peas.
1153
01:03:08,410 --> 01:03:10,833
But why do you want to
work for people like that?
1154
01:03:10,996 --> 01:03:13,670
- Goredale are bullies.
- Yeah. And what do you do with a bully?
1155
01:03:13,873 --> 01:03:16,877
You make friends with the bully
so they bully someone else.
1156
01:03:17,502 --> 01:03:19,880
- "What doth it profit a man..."
- Doth?
1157
01:03:20,130 --> 01:03:24,351
"..If he gains the whole world yet loses
his soul?" Matthew, chapter eight...
1158
01:03:24,509 --> 01:03:27,638
Yeah, I know who wrote it. I'm
not going to sell my soul, Lynn.
1159
01:03:27,804 --> 01:03:32,355
I want to, if you like, lend
my soul to Goredale Media
1160
01:03:32,559 --> 01:03:34,152
on a long-term basis for cash.
1161
01:03:34,311 --> 01:03:36,234
It's a very different thing.
1162
01:03:40,984 --> 01:03:42,944
I don't know how you can
look yourself in the eye.
1163
01:03:43,111 --> 01:03:44,613
I can't, Lynn. My
nose is in the way.
1164
01:03:44,779 --> 01:03:46,952
You can talk, prattling away
on every news bulletin.
1165
01:03:47,157 --> 01:03:49,501
I mean, who the heck
do you think you are?
1166
01:03:52,120 --> 01:03:54,623
- I'm Lynn Benfield.
- You don't look like Lynn Benfield.
1167
01:03:54,789 --> 01:03:58,168
I mean, what has happened to you,
with your attitude and your hair?
1168
01:03:58,335 --> 01:04:00,087
You've literally
become a big head.
1169
01:04:01,296 --> 01:04:03,719
- I like it.
- I take no pleasure in saying this, Lynn,
1170
01:04:03,923 --> 01:04:07,177
but a lot of people think it looks
like a photograph of an explosion.
1171
01:04:08,636 --> 01:04:10,596
I don't know if I want to
work for a man like you.
1172
01:04:10,722 --> 01:04:13,726
I don't know that I want to employ
someone who looks like a madam.
1173
01:04:13,892 --> 01:04:15,235
And I don't mean a Parisian one
1174
01:04:15,435 --> 01:04:18,484
I mean, one who lives in a terraced
house behind a train station.
1175
01:04:32,452 --> 01:04:35,706
- Doors opening!
- Armed police! Armed police!
1176
01:04:35,872 --> 01:04:39,046
Oh, shut up, will you?
Stop shouting.
1177
01:04:39,209 --> 01:04:42,509
- Easy, Pat. Mind the steps.
- I'm able to walk down steps, all right?
1178
01:04:42,670 --> 01:04:44,718
He means because the
gun's against my head.
1179
01:04:45,131 --> 01:04:48,852
- Everybody has an opinion, huh?
- Hear, hear. Well said.
1180
01:04:49,052 --> 01:04:51,100
- On.
- Hi, Pat.
1181
01:04:51,262 --> 01:04:53,765
Hey, Alan. What happened? We
were in the middle of a show,
1182
01:04:53,932 --> 01:04:55,809
and then your arse is
all over the Internet.
1183
01:04:55,975 --> 01:04:58,398
Looked like you had a Turkey's
head between your legs.
1184
01:04:58,561 --> 01:05:00,859
No, it didn't. No, it didn't.
It doesn't have a beak.
1185
01:05:01,022 --> 01:05:03,070
And, yeah, I took an
executive decision
1186
01:05:03,233 --> 01:05:05,656
to stow my cock and balls
up against my backside.
1187
01:05:05,860 --> 01:05:08,158
I can't believe you left
me with this nutcase.
1188
01:05:08,321 --> 01:05:10,289
Hang on a minute, you're
the one with the gun.
1189
01:05:10,448 --> 01:05:13,076
- See? He's hilarious.
- He's solid. He's solid.
1190
01:05:13,243 --> 01:05:17,623
- Pizzas coming through now, Pat.
- Hey. Hey, hey. Hold on. Helmet off.
1191
01:05:24,671 --> 01:05:26,514
Oh, hello.
1192
01:05:29,175 --> 01:05:31,428
Actually, I want Alan
to bring them in.
1193
01:05:33,763 --> 01:05:37,267
That might not be possible, Pat.
Alan's not prepared to do that.
1194
01:05:37,434 --> 01:05:39,482
No... I am prepared to do that.
1195
01:05:39,644 --> 01:05:42,193
- It's not that simple.
- Do you want me to release some people?
1196
01:05:42,397 --> 01:05:43,865
Sure. Let's talk about that.
1197
01:05:44,023 --> 01:05:46,151
Alan, what do you reckon
if I let the women go?
1198
01:05:46,317 --> 01:05:49,321
Yeah, let a couple of the women go.
Maybe keep Angela.
1199
01:05:49,904 --> 01:05:52,498
- But her kids will be worried sick.
- She's got kids?
1200
01:05:52,699 --> 01:05:55,498
Yeah. Two boys, 14 and 15.
1201
01:05:56,494 --> 01:05:57,996
I believe they're
a real handful.
1202
01:05:58,163 --> 01:06:01,133
Yeah, what was I thinking?
Let all the women go.
1203
01:06:01,291 --> 01:06:03,259
Pat, give me five minutes
with head office.
1204
01:06:03,418 --> 01:06:05,887
He's bringing them in now.
Alan, come on.
1205
01:06:06,546 --> 01:06:08,173
- Top one.
- Top one.
1206
01:06:08,381 --> 01:06:11,601
- Yeah, yeah, cheers, guys. Top one.
- OK, come on, son.
1207
01:06:12,969 --> 01:06:14,721
Oh, shit.
1208
01:06:18,558 --> 01:06:20,526
Why did you say hello
to that delivery guy?
1209
01:06:21,644 --> 01:06:26,445
Oh, him? No, he just reminded me
of a man I know called Mike Cable,
1210
01:06:26,608 --> 01:06:30,704
who did my accounts
from '97 to '98.
1211
01:06:30,862 --> 01:06:32,614
Actually, no. '99.
1212
01:06:32,780 --> 01:06:34,999
Till he stopped because his
daughter was very ill.
1213
01:06:35,158 --> 01:06:36,910
Yeah, it was touch
and go, actually.
1214
01:06:37,368 --> 01:06:40,247
He and Sandra were in bits, they
had to cancel their holiday.
1215
01:06:40,872 --> 01:06:43,000
- It was a fly-drive to Tuscany.
- Hm.
1216
01:06:43,166 --> 01:06:46,796
I must tell him, actually, that there's
a policeman that looks just like him.
1217
01:06:47,170 --> 01:06:48,217
What's that?
1218
01:06:48,379 --> 01:06:51,349
Must tell Mike that there's a pizza
man who looks just like him.
1219
01:06:53,009 --> 01:06:54,682
I'm famished.
1220
01:06:57,555 --> 01:06:59,432
- Ladies, you're free to go.
- What?
1221
01:06:59,641 --> 01:07:01,814
- Yep.
- God bless you, Pat.
1222
01:07:01,976 --> 01:07:03,102
See you. Bye.
1223
01:07:03,269 --> 01:07:05,317
I'll make you a home-made
pizza when you get out.
1224
01:07:05,480 --> 01:07:07,232
Yeah, these pizzas
are pretty good.
1225
01:07:10,151 --> 01:07:11,573
- Cinderella.
- Yeah, well...
1226
01:07:11,736 --> 01:07:14,239
No, hers was... that was
a glass one, wasn't it?
1227
01:07:16,366 --> 01:07:17,993
Here comes the Tin Man.
1228
01:07:27,544 --> 01:07:30,798
- Just trying to find your pizza.
- Well, just give me that one.
1229
01:07:32,173 --> 01:07:33,641
- Hm?
- That one.
1230
01:07:33,800 --> 01:07:35,473
- Which one?
- The top one.
1231
01:07:37,262 --> 01:07:38,889
Oh...
1232
01:07:39,097 --> 01:07:41,065
- I'll take the pizzas.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
1233
01:07:44,769 --> 01:07:48,114
Woo-ho, stuffed crust!
- Thanks for coming back, Alan.
1234
01:07:50,733 --> 01:07:52,952
- What are you doing?
- I'm just seeing how you'll look
1235
01:07:53,111 --> 01:07:56,115
on the billboard for when you
start on The Breakfast Show.
1236
01:07:56,281 --> 01:07:59,285
- The Breakfast Show?
- Alan, can I have a word?
1237
01:07:59,450 --> 01:08:02,624
Yeah, sure. Just bringing
the pizza cutter.
1238
01:08:03,955 --> 01:08:05,923
Right, how many do you want.
Six or eight?
1239
01:08:06,082 --> 01:08:07,800
Oh, my God, that's a taser!
1240
01:08:07,959 --> 01:08:11,054
This is no use, it's a pizza cutter.
And that is not a pizza.
1241
01:08:11,713 --> 01:08:14,933
Thing is, how did it get there?
Erm...
1242
01:08:15,425 --> 01:08:19,146
Unless the pizza company are running a
competition in which you win a taser.
1243
01:08:19,304 --> 01:08:22,353
That doesn't make sense, does it?
Do you realise, it's the police?
1244
01:08:22,515 --> 01:08:26,611
The ruddy po... Do you know... They've got
some brass neck for a bunch of coppers.
1245
01:08:26,769 --> 01:08:28,487
I'm actually really
angry about that.
1246
01:08:28,646 --> 01:08:30,740
You should keep that
as an extra weapon.
1247
01:08:30,898 --> 01:08:34,994
What kind of fool do you take me for, eh?
I'm one step ahead of all of you.
1248
01:08:35,153 --> 01:08:37,281
And I'm just a step
behind you, mate.
1249
01:08:38,031 --> 01:08:40,409
- Ooh.
- Never take your eye off the ball, Pat.
1250
01:08:40,575 --> 01:08:41,792
First rule of business.
1251
01:08:41,993 --> 01:08:44,746
Second rule of business, always
be prepared for an opportunity
1252
01:08:44,912 --> 01:08:47,631
when it arises, like
I was just then.
1253
01:08:47,790 --> 01:08:48,757
Yeah.
1254
01:08:48,916 --> 01:08:52,386
Course I wouldn't expect you to
understand that. It's Darwinian.
1255
01:08:53,171 --> 01:08:56,175
- You're a runt.
- Is that what you think, Alan?
1256
01:08:58,009 --> 01:09:00,353
I wouldn't quite, you
know, use those words.
1257
01:09:00,511 --> 01:09:02,229
Well, I think... I think...
1258
01:09:02,680 --> 01:09:04,557
The sort of the gist
of what, you know...
1259
01:09:04,724 --> 01:09:06,397
I just don't like bullies.
1260
01:09:07,435 --> 01:09:10,860
- Um... can I take this off, please?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.
1261
01:09:11,022 --> 01:09:13,901
- No, I'm talking to him.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
1262
01:09:14,067 --> 01:09:15,785
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Thank you.
1263
01:09:16,736 --> 01:09:18,158
Are you all right?
1264
01:09:18,321 --> 01:09:21,700
Well, I was worried about the old head
but I think I've got a handle on it.
1265
01:09:22,784 --> 01:09:25,128
- Very witty.
- Alan's a smart cookie, Pat.
1266
01:09:26,704 --> 01:09:30,629
He's treated this whole crisis
like a business opportunity.
1267
01:09:30,792 --> 01:09:35,514
He's taken a look around him and he's
thought, "How can I make this work for me?"
1268
01:09:36,464 --> 01:09:38,307
- Well done, Alan.
- Cheers.
1269
01:09:38,466 --> 01:09:40,889
- Yeah, well done, Alan.
- Thank you.
1270
01:09:41,552 --> 01:09:44,101
You know, you and me, we've
got something going here.
1271
01:09:44,263 --> 01:09:46,424
Pat might be a dinosaur,
filling his show
1272
01:09:46,437 --> 01:09:48,609
with chit-chat and
phone-ins like it's 1983,
1273
01:09:48,810 --> 01:09:49,902
but you're one of us.
1274
01:09:50,061 --> 01:09:53,065
You know radio's just business.
You'll do well out of this.
1275
01:09:53,231 --> 01:09:55,905
And er... I'll get you a glamorous
assistant with big tits
1276
01:09:56,109 --> 01:09:59,534
to take over from that frumpy old cow
you've got at the moment.
1277
01:09:59,696 --> 01:10:01,414
You know, Mrs. fucking
Doubtfire.
1278
01:10:04,450 --> 01:10:07,545
Danny, er... Jason gave
me your breakfast show.
1279
01:10:08,579 --> 01:10:10,206
- Yeah.
- Is that true?
1280
01:10:10,373 --> 01:10:12,046
- Well...
- Twat.
1281
01:10:14,502 --> 01:10:16,049
Oh, my God.
1282
01:10:16,212 --> 01:10:17,839
Go! Go! Go!
1283
01:10:19,924 --> 01:10:21,847
Armed police!
1284
01:10:22,009 --> 01:10:24,432
Armed police!
Everybody stay down!
1285
01:10:24,595 --> 01:10:28,190
- Stay down! Don't move! Don't move!
- Have you got any scissors?
1286
01:10:28,391 --> 01:10:29,984
Have you got any scissors?
1287
01:10:30,768 --> 01:10:32,145
Armed police! Armed police!
1288
01:10:32,311 --> 01:10:34,985
Studio's empty. Where's Farrell?
Where's Partridge?
1289
01:10:40,278 --> 01:10:43,373
♪ Roll
out the barrel...
1290
01:10:48,244 --> 01:10:50,793
Get into position,
get in front of that bus!
1291
01:10:51,581 --> 01:10:55,677
We got three on a bus. Three on a bus.
I want a green light on a sniper now.
1292
01:10:56,502 --> 01:10:58,470
This cannot be happening.
1293
01:10:59,005 --> 01:11:01,428
Jeez, Alan. Look at this.
Quite alarming, isn't it?
1294
01:11:02,258 --> 01:11:03,931
Er... l think... I
think we'll be fine.
1295
01:11:04,093 --> 01:11:07,313
Thanks for doing this, Alan. I wanted
to stick it to Goredale one more time.
1296
01:11:07,472 --> 01:11:10,066
I don't mind in the slightest, Pat.
Goredale are tits.
1297
01:11:10,933 --> 01:11:15,404
Right, coppers, I've got nae tax, nae
insurance and I'm not wearing a seatbelt.
1298
01:11:15,563 --> 01:11:17,986
What are you going to do about
it this time?
1299
01:11:20,443 --> 01:11:22,821
- Start the car! Start the car!
- Let's go!
1300
01:11:28,367 --> 01:11:31,166
Right, let's give
them some stick.
1301
01:11:31,329 --> 01:11:33,582
You're listening to Pat and Alan
1302
01:11:33,748 --> 01:11:36,092
with a message for the
Goredale Medias of this world.
1303
01:11:36,292 --> 01:11:40,718
If you think you can take real DJs
and turn them into radio robots,
1304
01:11:40,880 --> 01:11:43,258
think again - because we're
gonna get up in your face.
1305
01:11:43,424 --> 01:11:44,346
Great.
1306
01:11:44,509 --> 01:11:48,514
With a big fat slice of road show
radio right here, right now.
1307
01:11:48,679 --> 01:11:50,272
The time is 1:27.
1308
01:11:50,431 --> 01:11:52,149
This is John Farnham
and The Voice.
1309
01:11:52,642 --> 01:11:54,360
♪ The Voice
1310
01:12:02,568 --> 01:12:05,742
Today we're asking, why do
people keep their eggs in the fridge?
1311
01:12:05,905 --> 01:12:09,455
Once again, why do people insist on
keeping their eggs in the fridge?
1312
01:12:09,617 --> 01:12:13,793
And can a binman reasonably
expect a Christmas tip
1313
01:12:13,996 --> 01:12:17,626
when he has point-blank refused
to dispose of a broken toaster?
1314
01:12:17,792 --> 01:12:20,762
Good question! And that
can be today's large question.
1315
01:12:20,920 --> 01:12:23,890
Large question.
1316
01:12:24,841 --> 01:12:29,813
Oh, and we have some travel news.
There's slow-moving traffic on the A149.
1317
01:12:29,971 --> 01:12:32,520
That'll be due to wacky
blokes on a big yellow bus.
1318
01:12:34,517 --> 01:12:37,236
It's competition time, and
we 're playing pairs.
1319
01:12:37,395 --> 01:12:39,113
- Sid on line two. Black and...
- Decker.
1320
01:12:39,272 --> 01:12:40,364
- Spick and...
- Span.
1321
01:12:40,523 --> 01:12:41,524
- Hall and...
- Oates.
1322
01:12:41,691 --> 01:12:42,738
- Egg and...
- Bacon.
1323
01:12:42,900 --> 01:12:44,277
Oh, it was gammon!
1324
01:12:44,443 --> 01:12:46,491
Can I just say, I
think Goredale are awful.
1325
01:12:46,654 --> 01:12:47,826
Yeah, they are bastards.
1326
01:12:47,989 --> 01:12:50,663
That's why I've washed my hands of them.
You know what I say?
1327
01:12:50,825 --> 01:12:56,878
I always say, "What doth it profit a man if
he gain the whole world yet lose his soul?"
1328
01:12:57,915 --> 01:13:00,293
And people seem to like that.
They really do.
1329
01:13:06,257 --> 01:13:08,760
♪ You're the voice,
try and understand it
1330
01:13:08,926 --> 01:13:11,554
♪ Make a noise and
make it clear
1331
01:13:11,721 --> 01:13:13,849
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh
1332
01:13:14,015 --> 01:13:17,269
♪ Whoa-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh!
1333
01:13:17,643 --> 01:13:22,820
♪ We're not gonna sit in silence
We're not gonna live with fear
1334
01:13:22,982 --> 01:13:25,110
♪ Whoa-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh
1335
01:13:25,693 --> 01:13:27,536
It looks like you've
touched a nerve, Pat.
1336
01:13:27,695 --> 01:13:30,995
These are my listeners, Alan,
ordinary working people.
1337
01:13:31,198 --> 01:13:33,086
They're not working, it's
the middle of the day.
1338
01:13:33,099 --> 01:13:34,998
Unless they're on flexi-time.
1339
01:13:35,703 --> 01:13:38,798
Oh, look. I used to live in one
of those after my divorce.
1340
01:13:39,498 --> 01:13:41,500
TV, kitchen - very nice.
1341
01:13:42,251 --> 01:13:45,346
Hey, people, I'm looking at a
picture of Goredale Media.
1342
01:13:45,504 --> 01:13:48,098
Honestly, look at that bunch
of corporate mercenaries.
1343
01:13:48,758 --> 01:13:51,853
What's wrong with doing radio
for the love of radio?
1344
01:13:52,303 --> 01:13:54,897
They would do anything
for 30 pieces of silver.
1345
01:13:56,057 --> 01:14:00,187
You're listening to the Pat and Alan Show.
Radio for the love of radio.
1346
01:14:00,394 --> 01:14:03,022
- Sponsored by Castro).
1347
01:14:04,607 --> 01:14:06,450
Just gonna use the loo.
1348
01:14:22,124 --> 01:14:23,876
- Alan?
- Hi.
1349
01:14:24,043 --> 01:14:26,296
Alan, I want to talk to you.
1350
01:14:27,088 --> 01:14:28,180
Alan?
1351
01:14:52,613 --> 01:14:54,286
Oh, hi, Pat.
1352
01:14:54,448 --> 01:14:56,792
Alan, how did you
even get in there?
1353
01:14:56,951 --> 01:15:00,672
Um... l just removed an aluminium panel.
Slid straight in.
1354
01:15:00,997 --> 01:15:04,342
- Er... textbook. It's good, isn't it?
- Your voice sounds funny.
1355
01:15:04,542 --> 01:15:06,681
I think the conical shape
of the toilet's turned
1356
01:15:06,694 --> 01:15:08,843
it into a sort of a
compact amphitheatre.
1357
01:15:09,588 --> 01:15:11,841
- It's weird.
- It is, Pat. It's bizarre.
1358
01:15:12,008 --> 01:15:14,812
It is and was a failed
escape attempt, a
1359
01:15:14,825 --> 01:15:17,640
sort of a Shitshank
Redemption, if you will.
1360
01:15:17,805 --> 01:15:20,558
Ah. The Armitage Shank
Redemption, eh?
1361
01:15:20,725 --> 01:15:23,774
Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha! I'm laughing
like a drain and I'm in one.
1362
01:15:23,978 --> 01:15:26,276
Shake hands, Pat. Friends.
Friends, Pat, friends.
1363
01:15:26,439 --> 01:15:30,319
Friends? I know what you
did, you fucking snake.
1364
01:15:30,860 --> 01:15:32,578
- "Just sack Pat."
- Huh?
1365
01:15:32,737 --> 01:15:35,081
- You're as bad as the rest of them.
- Pat, be reasonable.
1366
01:15:35,239 --> 01:15:37,958
Before you think of shooting
anyone, just for a second think,
1367
01:15:38,117 --> 01:15:42,543
what would drive a man to incarcerate
himself in the septic tank? It's pathetic.
1368
01:15:43,622 --> 01:15:47,593
- I'm not going to shoot you.
- Thank God for that. That's good news.
1369
01:15:49,628 --> 01:15:51,005
Sweet mother of God, no.
1370
01:15:51,213 --> 01:15:53,307
Oh, angels and
saints preserve us!
1371
01:15:53,466 --> 01:15:55,343
Dear God, let them be firm!
1372
01:15:57,803 --> 01:15:59,680
Help!
1373
01:16:00,890 --> 01:16:02,984
Stop the bus!
1374
01:16:03,517 --> 01:16:06,270
- What's that?
- It's a septic tank. You can have it.
1375
01:16:48,604 --> 01:16:50,698
Oh... not again!
1376
01:16:53,484 --> 01:16:55,703
Damn gypsies tampered
with the sights.
1377
01:17:04,245 --> 01:17:05,588
Trust me, Susan.
1378
01:17:06,622 --> 01:17:08,374
Ow! Jesus!
1379
01:17:13,295 --> 01:17:14,763
Suspect is on Cromer...
1380
01:17:56,046 --> 01:17:58,845
You're a fucking clown, Alan.
1381
01:17:59,008 --> 01:18:00,681
Ah. Hi, Pat.
1382
01:18:03,304 --> 01:18:06,478
I trusted you, Alan. I
thought we were friends.
1383
01:18:06,640 --> 01:18:08,438
- But you let me down.
- Well, I...
1384
01:18:08,601 --> 01:18:11,070
- You got me sacked.
- Over here! Pat!
1385
01:18:11,228 --> 01:18:12,855
Look!
1386
01:18:14,064 --> 01:18:16,066
Oh, shit!
1387
01:18:17,735 --> 01:18:18,782
What was that?
1388
01:18:18,944 --> 01:18:22,619
I think it was supposed to be
some sort of distraction. Yeah.
1389
01:18:22,781 --> 01:18:24,704
- Brave but pointless.
- Excuse me?
1390
01:18:24,867 --> 01:18:26,995
Oh, God, get back inside.
Quick, now!
1391
01:18:27,161 --> 01:18:30,085
- We want to get down there.
- Do you mind? This is an armed stand-off.
1392
01:18:30,247 --> 01:18:31,669
- Where were we?
- I got you sacked.
1393
01:18:31,874 --> 01:18:33,876
- Yeah, you let me down.
- Pat, listen to me.
1394
01:18:34,084 --> 01:18:35,301
- I've got this.
- Pardon?
1395
01:18:35,461 --> 01:18:37,861
- I said, I've got this.
- How long is it going to go on for?
1396
01:18:38,005 --> 01:18:40,007
- Shut up!
- He's telling you to shut up.
1397
01:18:40,174 --> 01:18:41,676
- Calm down.
- Didn't get that.
1398
01:18:41,842 --> 01:18:43,469
- Too close to your mouth.
- Calm down.
1399
01:18:43,636 --> 01:18:45,636
- It's too close to your mouth!
- Did you get that?
1400
01:18:45,763 --> 01:18:46,685
What?
1401
01:18:46,847 --> 01:18:50,727
She's saying, if you put your air rifles
back, you won't be in too much trouble.
1402
01:18:50,893 --> 01:18:53,521
- This is a shotgun.
- This is an air rifle. That's a shotgun.
1403
01:18:54,313 --> 01:18:56,315
We'll leave you to it.
1404
01:18:56,649 --> 01:18:58,651
I surrender.
1405
01:19:07,326 --> 01:19:08,623
Pat?
1406
01:19:10,913 --> 01:19:12,711
Pat?
1407
01:19:13,582 --> 01:19:16,631
- I brought Molly to this pier.
- Happy times.
1408
01:19:16,835 --> 01:19:18,337
I scattered her ashes here.
1409
01:19:18,504 --> 01:19:19,926
Ah.
1410
01:19:20,547 --> 01:19:22,845
Buried at sea.
1411
01:19:23,717 --> 01:19:25,811
Like Bin Laden.
1412
01:19:26,387 --> 01:19:28,481
And now here we are.
1413
01:19:29,515 --> 01:19:31,267
The circle of life.
1414
01:19:31,475 --> 01:19:33,898
Cirque du Soleil.
1415
01:19:36,897 --> 01:19:38,649
Turn your head away.
1416
01:19:38,857 --> 01:19:40,029
Let's just calm down.
1417
01:19:40,192 --> 01:19:42,160
- Pat, come on.
- Turn your head away.
1418
01:19:42,319 --> 01:19:44,242
- Pat, listen to me...
- Pat, you're scaring me.
1419
01:19:44,405 --> 01:19:46,783
- I won't ask again.
- Pat, I need you to stay calm.
1420
01:19:46,949 --> 01:19:49,498
Turn your head away.
1421
01:19:51,245 --> 01:19:58,720
♪ Maybe I didn't love you,
quite as often as I could have
1422
01:19:58,877 --> 01:20:00,220
What are you doing?
1423
01:20:00,379 --> 01:20:08,379
♪ Maybe I didn't treat you,
quite as good as I should have
1424
01:20:08,846 --> 01:20:10,223
Stop it!
1425
01:20:10,389 --> 01:20:14,610
♪ And if I made you
feel second best
1426
01:20:15,144 --> 01:20:18,444
♪ Girl, I'm sorry I was blind
1427
01:20:19,606 --> 01:20:24,157
♪ But you were always on my mind
1428
01:20:25,404 --> 01:20:29,955
♪ You were always on my mind
1429
01:20:32,870 --> 01:20:34,588
- ♪ Maybe I...
- Pat, are you ready to...
1430
01:20:34,747 --> 01:20:36,841
Shut up, you dick!
1431
01:20:39,335 --> 01:20:40,678
Pat, what are you doing?
1432
01:20:40,836 --> 01:20:42,679
I want
to be with Molly.
1433
01:20:42,838 --> 01:20:43,964
What?
1434
01:20:45,924 --> 01:20:47,847
I want to be with Molly.
1435
01:20:49,178 --> 01:20:51,397
- Pat, don't do this.
- Pat, don't do this!
1436
01:20:51,555 --> 01:20:53,057
Unbelievable.
1437
01:20:53,223 --> 01:20:55,976
- I can't reach the trigger.
- Pat, come on.
1438
01:21:00,981 --> 01:21:02,983
Would you do it for me?
1439
01:21:04,068 --> 01:21:06,287
Yeah, course I will, mate.
1440
01:21:07,696 --> 01:21:09,790
Course I will.
1441
01:21:12,534 --> 01:21:14,332
It's over, Pat.
1442
01:21:16,080 --> 01:21:17,457
No more hurting.
1443
01:21:18,374 --> 01:21:19,671
Ow!
1444
01:21:19,833 --> 01:21:20,959
Aaargh!
1445
01:21:22,336 --> 01:21:24,680
You fucking idiot!
1446
01:21:26,507 --> 01:21:27,724
Shit.
1447
01:21:28,842 --> 01:21:32,642
- Stay with me, Alan. Stay with me.
- They've blown me to bits, Lynn.
1448
01:21:33,097 --> 01:21:34,690
I feel cold.
1449
01:21:35,808 --> 01:21:39,062
It's all right, Alan.
God is with us.
1450
01:21:39,228 --> 01:21:41,481
We had some mad times,
didn't we, Lynn?
1451
01:21:42,564 --> 01:21:45,659
There's some blood coming
from my mouth, Lynn.
1452
01:21:46,193 --> 01:21:49,493
- It's just spit.
- Is it? Oh, yeah.
1453
01:21:49,655 --> 01:21:51,999
- Alan, I'm really sorry.
- It's all right, Pat.
1454
01:21:52,157 --> 01:21:54,251
- You've still got the gun!
- Aargh!
1455
01:21:57,037 --> 01:21:59,881
Was I a good man, Lynn?
Was I a kind man?
1456
01:22:00,207 --> 01:22:02,050
Very kind.
1457
01:22:02,209 --> 01:22:06,555
I remember when you were defrosting your
freezer and you gave me all that bacon.
1458
01:22:07,464 --> 01:22:09,011
I'm ready, Lynn.
1459
01:22:09,216 --> 01:22:11,935
I think I'm ready.
1460
01:22:12,094 --> 01:22:14,313
Oh. Hello, Mister Seagull.
1461
01:22:15,013 --> 01:22:17,015
Have you come to
take my spirit away?
1462
01:22:17,182 --> 01:22:19,685
Go, gull!
1463
01:22:21,687 --> 01:22:25,032
Gull... gull... gull.
1464
01:22:45,544 --> 01:22:48,013
What are you doing? I'm
watching it fly off.
1465
01:22:49,965 --> 01:22:54,141
It's weird, Lynn. Yours will
be the last face I ever see.
1466
01:22:55,471 --> 01:22:57,690
- Oh, good.
- Hi there. You're gonna be OK.
1467
01:22:57,848 --> 01:23:00,897
- I've been shot in the heart.
- Your heart's there. It's your shoulder.
1468
01:23:01,059 --> 01:23:03,187
No, that... that's my heart. Ow!
1469
01:23:03,395 --> 01:23:06,069
- Can I have my job back now?
- Yeah, if you want.
1470
01:23:07,191 --> 01:23:08,909
Always On My Mind
1471
01:23:12,821 --> 01:23:15,540
♪ Maybe I didn't love you
1472
01:23:15,699 --> 01:23:18,248
How long have
you been a paramedic?
1473
01:23:18,410 --> 01:23:20,162
- About four years.
- Right.
1474
01:23:20,329 --> 01:23:23,299
And do you start in St John's
Ambulance and then work your way up
1475
01:23:23,457 --> 01:23:25,050
or are they separate
organisations?
1476
01:23:25,209 --> 01:23:27,883
- They're separate...
- She can answer for herself, Lynn.
1477
01:23:28,045 --> 01:23:30,468
- They are separate organisations.
- Right.
1478
01:23:30,672 --> 01:23:32,345
- Are you courting?
- Well...
1479
01:23:32,508 --> 01:23:33,555
Not you, Lynn!
1480
01:23:33,759 --> 01:23:37,730
North Norfolk's best music mix.
1481
01:23:37,930 --> 01:23:40,353
We've had a letter
from Louise in Thetford,
1482
01:23:40,516 --> 01:23:44,817
who says, "I'm sick to the back teeth
of people poking fun at garden gnomes."
1483
01:23:44,978 --> 01:23:47,265
They may be small and
strange-faced, but they
1484
01:23:47,278 --> 01:23:49,575
"bring a lot of pleasure
to a lot of people."
1485
01:23:49,733 --> 01:23:53,033
Now, that's a letter, once upon a time
I would have found offensively dull.
1486
01:23:53,195 --> 01:23:54,321
- Yeah.
- Not now.
1487
01:23:54,488 --> 01:23:56,911
So maybe everything that
happened has changed you.
1488
01:23:57,074 --> 01:23:58,792
I think I have changed
a little bit.
1489
01:23:58,951 --> 01:24:01,329
Well, for my part, I was a
bit worried about my head...
1490
01:24:01,495 --> 01:24:02,712
- Here we go.
- But um...
1491
01:24:02,913 --> 01:24:06,634
- I think I've got a handle on it now.
- Oh, yeah, that's a good joke.
1492
01:24:07,334 --> 01:24:09,757
You've used that joke about
three or four times now.
1493
01:24:09,920 --> 01:24:12,343
- I don't know if you're aware of that.
- I use it too much?
1494
01:24:12,506 --> 01:24:16,010
I wouldn't say that. I just think
we're in that area and... you know.
1495
01:24:16,176 --> 01:24:18,178
- What about the hat?
- Good for the bin, I reckon.
1496
01:24:18,345 --> 01:24:20,143
- Lose it?
- Yeah.
1497
01:24:20,305 --> 01:24:23,058
But I think, like you say, you're
coming on leaps and bounds...
1498
01:24:23,225 --> 01:24:24,568
and I think, 12 months' time,
1499
01:24:24,726 --> 01:24:27,229
you'll probably have forgotten
there ever was a siege.
1500
01:24:27,396 --> 01:24:29,569
- What siege?
- Er... exactly. That's good.
1501
01:24:29,731 --> 01:24:32,075
- You haven't really forgotten?
- No.
1502
01:24:32,734 --> 01:24:36,955
OK, time now for our weekly phone call
with incarcerated DJ Pat Farrell.
1503
01:24:37,114 --> 01:24:40,038
- It's...
- ♪ Ring-ring from Sing-Sing!
1504
01:24:40,200 --> 01:24:43,579
Hello, Pat. Wagwan!
1505
01:24:43,787 --> 01:24:45,164
Er... Hi, Alan.
1506
01:24:45,330 --> 01:24:48,925
OK, this week's question comes from
Sue, a dental hygienist from Grantham.
1507
01:24:49,084 --> 01:24:52,179
She asks, "Prison time is often
referred to as porridge"
1508
01:24:52,337 --> 01:24:57,389
but do they actually serve porridge,
and if so, is it compulsory?"
1509
01:24:57,551 --> 01:25:00,725
Yeah, they serve porridge but
you can have other things.
1510
01:25:00,887 --> 01:25:04,061
Thanks, Pat. We'll have another question
for you next week, until then...
1511
01:25:04,224 --> 01:25:06,147
Keep your nose clean, boy.
1512
01:25:10,897 --> 01:25:13,116
The Number
One Song in Heaven
1513
01:25:17,237 --> 01:25:20,116
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1514
01:25:20,490 --> 01:25:23,414
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1515
01:25:23,660 --> 01:25:26,630
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1516
01:25:26,788 --> 01:25:29,962
♪ The number one
song all over heaven
1517
01:25:30,626 --> 01:25:34,631
♪ If you should die
before you awake
1518
01:25:37,257 --> 01:25:41,262
♪ If you should die while
crossing the street
1519
01:25:43,430 --> 01:25:46,650
♪ The song that you'll
hear, I guarantee
1520
01:25:48,894 --> 01:25:51,693
Colby, Philip? If you
guys don't dig the sounds,
1521
01:25:51,855 --> 01:25:53,607
sling us your pod, I'll dock it.
1522
01:25:54,483 --> 01:25:56,326
You won't like it.
1523
01:25:56,652 --> 01:25:59,201
Guys, I dig a lot of stuff.
1524
01:25:59,363 --> 01:26:01,161
A good beat's a good beat.
1525
01:26:02,074 --> 01:26:04,202
All
The Wrong Places
1526
01:26:06,119 --> 01:26:08,167
♪ All the wrong places
1527
01:26:09,915 --> 01:26:12,088
Sorry,
not listening to that.
1528
01:26:12,250 --> 01:26:14,799
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1529
01:26:15,170 --> 01:26:17,923
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1530
01:26:18,215 --> 01:26:21,094
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1531
01:26:21,343 --> 01:26:24,597
♪ The number one
song all over heaven
1532
01:26:25,347 --> 01:26:28,692
♪ The song filters down,
down through the clouds
1533
01:26:31,645 --> 01:26:35,149
♪ It reaches the earth
and winds all around
1534
01:26:38,026 --> 01:26:41,576
♪ And then it breaks
up in millions of ways
1535
01:26:43,407 --> 01:26:46,752
♪ It goes la, la, la,
la, la la, la la
1536
01:26:47,202 --> 01:26:50,001
♪ La, la, la la, la la, la la
1537
01:26:50,330 --> 01:26:53,254
♪ La, la, la la, la la, la la
1538
01:26:53,500 --> 01:26:56,800
♪ La, la, la la, la la,
la, la, la, la-la-la
1539
01:26:57,129 --> 01:27:01,100
♪ Whoo, in cars it becomes a hit
1540
01:27:04,219 --> 01:27:06,472
For God's sake, if
it's that important...
1541
01:27:06,638 --> 01:27:07,935
All The Wrong Places
1542
01:27:08,098 --> 01:27:10,521
♪ Toe to toe
1543
01:27:11,059 --> 01:27:13,903
♪ We all stand tall
1544
01:27:14,771 --> 01:27:17,320
♪ Row by row
1545
01:27:18,400 --> 01:27:20,698
♪ All eyes glow
1546
01:27:21,486 --> 01:27:23,739
♪ Like a rabbit
in the headlights
1547
01:27:23,905 --> 01:27:25,703
♪ Get your head right
1548
01:27:25,866 --> 01:27:28,961
♪ Start a new life
Shiver in the moonlight
1549
01:27:29,119 --> 01:27:32,293
♪ You must embrace it cos
if not you'll waste it
1550
01:27:32,456 --> 01:27:36,211
♪ You're looking for love
in all the wrong places
1551
01:27:41,214 --> 01:27:43,433
♪ All the wrong places...
1552
01:27:47,971 --> 01:27:49,939
Sorry, that is awful.
1553
01:27:50,098 --> 01:27:52,146
The Number
One Song in Heaven
1554
01:27:52,309 --> 01:27:54,027
♪ ..or soft as a doubt
1555
01:27:57,189 --> 01:28:00,284
♪ Lyrically weak, but
the music's the thing
1556
01:28:02,861 --> 01:28:05,705
♪ Gabriel plays it,
God, how he plays it
1557
01:28:06,072 --> 01:28:08,916
♪ Gabriel plays it,
God, how he plays it
1558
01:28:09,367 --> 01:28:12,120
♪ Gabriel plays it,
God, how he plays it
1559
01:28:12,537 --> 01:28:15,416
♪ Gabriel plays it,
let's hear him play it
1560
01:28:28,303 --> 01:28:31,182
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1561
01:28:31,515 --> 01:28:34,485
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1562
01:28:34,643 --> 01:28:37,613
♪ It's number one
all over heaven
1563
01:28:37,771 --> 01:28:40,991
♪ The number one
song all over heaven
1564
01:28:41,608 --> 01:28:45,658
♪ The song filters down,
down through the clouds
1565
01:28:48,281 --> 01:28:52,286
♪ It reaches the earth
and winds all around
1566
01:28:54,496 --> 01:28:57,625
♪ And then it breaks
up in millions of ways
1567
01:28:59,543 --> 01:29:02,922
♪ It goes la, la, la,
la, la la, la la
1568
01:29:03,255 --> 01:29:06,099
♪ La, la, la la, la la, la la
1569
01:29:06,383 --> 01:29:09,307
♪ La, la, la la, la la, la la
1570
01:29:09,553 --> 01:29:12,932
♪ La, la, la la, la la,
la, la, la, la-la-la
1571
01:29:13,390 --> 01:29:17,020
♪ Whoo, in cars it becomes a hit
1572
01:29:19,437 --> 01:29:23,237
♪ And in your home it
becomes advertisements
1573
01:29:26,069 --> 01:29:31,542
♪ And in the streets it
becomes children singing
1574
01:29:31,908 --> 01:29:36,038
♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la, la
1575
01:29:37,372 --> 01:29:42,469
♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la, la
1576
01:29:44,379 --> 01:29:48,759
♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la, la
1577
01:29:50,802 --> 01:29:55,899
♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la, la...
129474
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
