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SHE CHUCKLES

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown Agnes

# That's Mrs Brown Agnes

# Oh, Mrs Brown. #

APPLAUSE

Diet suppositories.

SHE CHUCKLES

They don't work, I tried them.

I may as well have been shoving them up me arse.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oh.

Hello there! And a very Merry Christmas.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, excuse me a second, I have to get the front door.

Well, Dr Flynn, any good news?

Oh, everything seems to be fine.

In fact, Grandad's going from strength to strength.

That's a no, then.

Oh, hello, Father Damien. Come in. Thank you. Come in.

Trevor! Trevor! Father Damien is here!

Hello, Dr Flynn.

Oh, hello, Father. How are things?

Quite busy. Lots of funerals.

Oh, you can thank him for that,

you put him on commission.

What?

So, Father Damien, all set for Christmas?

More or less.

Hiya, Damien.

Hiya, Trevor. Well, did you give my idea any thought?

I did and, do you know, at first, I wasn't sure,

now I think it just might work. It could give the parish a lift.

Yes. Er, what's this?

I'm going to run

a best Christmas-decorated house contest.

This is the idea and the rules.

Most of these contests judge the outside of the house,

but my one is about the inside of the house.

You should enter, Mrs Brown. No.

You should, Mammy, you always have a wonderful Christmas display.

Well, I do, yeah.

So, you're just judging the inside of the house? Mm-mm.

Is that cos we're in a studio and we don't have an outside?

Yes.

How much is it to enter?

Just 20 euro, and all the money is to cover the cost of sending

the Finglas Warriors to the national finals.

If they don't qualify, then the money will go to the church.

But they've never qualified.

I know.

And what's the prize?

Two tickets to the national football finals.

ALL: If they qualify.

Feck it. Here, I'm in.

What kind of thing are you looking for, Damien? Yes.

Well, I won't be one of the three judges, that wouldn't be fair on me.

Fair, no. But I'd say they will be looking for the unusual.

The unusual. Something that brightens things up. Brightens up.

A good representation of what really is Christmas joy. Joy.

The stable, Jesus in the crib,

Santa on the roof,

the smell of reindeer shit everywhere.

We could use Grandad for that.

Right, goodbye, all, I'm off.

Bye, Doctor. Dr Flynn, just the man.

How would you like to be judge in my Christmas decoration contest?

Head judge? I like the sound of that.

Well, judge.

Head judge.

Certainly, Father.

Drop into the surgery and fill me in on the details.

Thanks, Dr Flynn.

I'll ask Father McBride from Ballymun, too.

Always good to have someone from a different parish. Yes.

So, I just need one more judge.

Nope. Don't look at me, Damien, I have to live here.

Do you know who would make a great judge? Who?

Hilliary Nicholson, Maria's mother.

That's very good of you, Mammy, what a lovely gesture.

I'm delighted you buried the hatchet.

Oh, I've no problem burying the hatchet, son.

I just never forget where it's buried.

No, in fairness, she's got good taste

and I think she'll be very fair. That's a great idea.

I'll drop up to Glasnevin now and ask her.

Coming, Trevor? Sure. Can't wait to see her face when you ask her.

SHE CHUCKLES

I can't wait to see her face when she sees the rules.

How are you, Agnes? Hiya, Winnie.

What's up?

Me thing is broken.

Really? It's just all floppy.

I tried it this morning and it just made a sound like...

Winnie, I'm going to take a guess here.

Is your vacuum cleaner broken?

Yeah. Thank God.

Here, look at this.

Oh, what's this? Oh, a Christmas house decoration contest?

Mm-hm. Very good, I might enter.

Oh, no, Winnie, you're not supposed to decorate your house

the year your husband dies. Jacko's not dead.

There's a few weeks to go yet, love!

SHE CHUCKLES

I know that smile - what did you do?

Oh, I wouldn't tell YOU, you can't keep a secret.

Yes, I can.

It's the people I tell that can't.

Hello, son. Morning, Mammy, can I have a cuppa?

Sure, Dermot.

Water in the tap, kettle over there, help yourself.

Hello, Buster.

Jesus, son, you look shook.

I am, Mrs Brown. On the way here, we drove through four red lights

and then we nearly hit a wall.

It scared the life out of me. Jesus!

Don't look at me! Buster was driving.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Well, Buster, while I have you there,

I need you to get me some decorations, Christmas decorations.

Now, not the run-of-the-mill ones, I want something different.

But you have decorations, Agnes.

No, Winnie, the ones I have are no good for this.

For this, I need the unusual, I need exotic.

No problem, Mrs Brown, I'll get them for you.

Thank you, Buster. Dermo, can I give your mam one?

Right, I'll give yous a bit of privacy. Winnie, sit the buck down.

No, Buster, Mammy wouldn't know what to do with it.

She wouldn't even know what it was.

Excuse me, Mammy will speak for herself.

Yes, Buster, you can give me one.

Winnie, sit down.

Oh, how nice, just what I was looking for.

Oh, how convenient, thank you very much, Buster.

Really, Mammy? You really wanted one?

Oh, yes! Oh, God, yes, yes! Yeah, how much do I owe you, Buster?

For you Mrs Brown, 35... It's on me, Mammy.

Come on, Buster, let's go.

But if you hear of anyone who wants one, let us know.

Oh, of course, yes.

I can't believe it, my own Maggie.

What's a Maggie, Agnes?

I haven't a bucking clue.

Hello?

Hello?

One-two, one-two.

Testing, one-two, one-two.

Mammy, any calls for me?

Nope.

What's that?

A Maggie. A Maggie? Yep. A Maggie.

Well, what is it? I haven't a buckin' clue.

The box is over there.

Ah, it's a Wi-Fi assistant.

A what? A Wi-Fi assistant for a smart home.

It came to the wrong buckin' house.

No, it's really good. Although I haven't seen this make before.

You join it to your Wi-Fi. Oh, we've no Wi-Fi.

Yes, we do, I got it put in.

How do you think I work me computer?

I thought that was just off the Easter.

Ether. OK.

Here, let me show you. OK.

MAGGIE BEEPS

MAGGIE: Connected to the internet.

What the hell?

Watch.

Maggie, where am I right now?

You are at 92 James Larkin Court, Finglas.

Isn't that amazing?

Not really, Cathy, I could've buckin' told you that.

Ma. Hello, Dermot, son, hello, Maria.

Hello, Mrs Brown.

I heard that you nominated my mother to be a judge

in the Christmas decoration contest.

Yes, well, you know, she deserves it, she does a lot in the parish.

Oh, well, you're very good. Oh, well, yeah...

Is Cathy about? She's in the sitting room.

Well, Mammy, I bet you haven't a clue how to use that.

Really? Watch this.

Maggie?

How can I help you today?

Where am I right now?

You are in 92 James Larkin Court, Finglas.

Voila.

Well done, I thought you'd be bamboozled by it.

Oh, God, no, my family are well involved in technology,

my family go back years,

my... my great-grandfather invented the chip.

My great-grandmother invented the fish.

Buster's going to drop in a few smart things for around the house.

What? The Maggie'll connect to them, Mark is going to fit them for ya.

Smart things? You'll love them.

switch on the kitchen lights just by asking Maggie. Dermot, the switch

is just there, I'm not buckin' incap-papa-tated.

Was this Maggie your idea, Dermot?

No, Buster's.

Well, I think it's a great one. Where is Buster?

In town, buying himself a suit.

A suit? Why, is he due in court?

No, it's for his big date.

Date? With who?

It's a girl he met online. He seems to be taken with her.

Does he?

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get that. Saved by the bell.

Anyway, Cathy, any word on your promotion in work?

No, the interview went well and, as far as I can tell,

I'm the most qualified for the job, but you never know.

No, you don't.

The boys' club.

Anyway, fingers crossed.

Hello, Maria, darling.

Hello. Hello, Agnes.

Hello, Hilliary. Do sit down.

You'll have a tea? Do you have a ginger julep?

Oh, jeez, no, I shave it.

Right, we'd better be off.

Cathy, would you like a lift into town?

That'd be great. See ya. Bye, Mother. See yas.

See ya, Mammy.

Father Damien tells me that it was you who recommended me

to be a judge.

Tea! Coming, Grandad!

Yes, well, he asked for suggestions and I couldn't think

of anybody who could do it better. Really?

Well, I have to say I was sceptical, but that was very kind of you.

DOOR OPENS

Oh, hello, Mrs Nicholson. Hello, Mrs McGoogan.

You're looking very well, Mrs Nicholson.

Well, thank you. My husband says I get better-looking with age.

Well, he would, he's an antique dealer.

Well, it's... it's nice to see you dropping in.

Well, I wanted to come round in person to thank Agnes

for recommending me to be a judge. What a great idea.

Well, thank you. She made her mind up straight away. Indeed.

As soon as she saw in the rules

that judges couldn't enter, that was you gone.

A-ha! I knew there was more to it than altruism.

SHE MOUTHS Well, I may not be competing, Agnes,

but I will be judging.

Remember that.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

It wasn't me.

It was the Maggie.

MAGGIE: I never opened my mouth.

Thanks, Sharon.

Buster, I have a grey suit, if you want to borrow it.

Oh, thanks, Trevor, but the legs will be far too long.

I have a blue suit.

Oh, it'd be

far too... tight, maybe?

Why didn't you get one when you were in town?

They didn't have anything

close to the door.

Do you know, that Maggie is useless.

Really? Everybody's getting them.

Yeah, well, not the Maggies, but something like them,

they say they're fantastic for doing little things around the house.

Like a husband. THEY CHUCKLE

Mammy, were you ever sorry you got married?

Oh, God, no.

If I hadn't got married, I'd have spent me life

screaming at perfect strangers.

And you wouldn't have had me. Yeah...

So, you'd do it all again, get married?

Absolutely.

To someone else, though.

Rory and Dino are back today, aren't they?

Yes, Rory rang me this morning and said he'd see me in Foley's -

I thought he'd be here by now.

Well, where did they go on their holiday?

It wasn't a holiday, Winnie, it was a delayed honeymoon. Oh.

They went on a Caribbean cruise around the Med-i-can-anean.

Ah, that's nice.

Ah, the honeymoon.

Jacko and me wanted ours

at Viagra Falls.

But, at the time, it cost £1,000

and we only had 500.

Jacko said it was lovely.

Where did you go on your honeymoon, Mrs Brown?

Oh, didn't go anywhere.

We went into a pub in town and Redser got drunk.

Mm, the next day, he had two things to do -

go and find his car and take back the one we came home in.

Hi! Oh, here they are.

Hello, boys. Hello, Mammy.

You've got a bit of sun.

Oh, yeah, that was in Malta. Beautiful!

And, in Rome, we saw the Trevi Fountain.

Oh, the little statue

with the big dick?

And, in Venice, it was so romantic.

Dino took me up the canal.

I knew he was going to say that.

We ALL knew he was going to say that.

Dirty bastard.

Big date, Buster, you're going to have to at least

get a suit or something.

No, Buster, a suit is not enough.

Rory and I will give you a complete makeover.

Thanks, boys, but...

But nothing! If we're good enough for Sting,

we're good enough for you. High five. Whoo!

Well, to be fair, the boys have great taste.

Oh, thanks, Trevor.

What about something like these?

Khaki.

Mark, they're not khaki,

they're just khak. High five!

No, I'm serious.

Leave it to us, you'll look stunning.

Mammy, did you ever think of having a delayed honeymoon?

Oh, many times. Your father put me off it.

How? He kept insisting

on coming with me.

Maggie? How can I help you today?

What is today's weather to be?

To be or not to be, that is the question.

No, no, no, the WEATHER.

Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings

and arrows of out... Shut up.

Shutting up.

Hiya.

Hello, Rory, hello, Dino. Hello, Mammy. Hi.

Mammy, we're just getting Buster ready for his big date. Oh.

Can he change upstairs? Sure.

Mrs Brown, I got your exotic decorations.

Oh, Buster, thank you very much.

Maggie? How can I help you today?

This thing keeps giving me the wrong answers.

You have it on the posh setting. What?

Look! Voice - London, England.

We need to change that to Dublin, Ireland.

MAGGIE BEEPS Now.

Maggie?

IN IRISH ACCENT: What do you want?

What is the weather today?

It's pissin' rain.

Yes! Yes!

Oh, thank you, Buster.

Oh, now...

Oh, that IS nice.

Mm... Mm, that's an idea.

Here, I heard the boys upstairs - what's going on with them?

Oh, Buster's big date. The boys are dressing him.

Oh, so, have you got your Maggie working?

Yes, I had it on the wrong setting.

Watch. Maggie?

What?

Who is the best mother in the world?

You are.

Right answer.

Mammy, it's not just a plaything,

it answers any serious question you ask.

Here, watch this.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Maggie?

Who's the posh one?

It's my daughter, Cathy.

She's not posh, she just puts it on.

Whatever.

Maggie?

WHAT?!

Does Pythagoras' theorem conflict in any way

with Einstein's theory of relativity?

ELECTRONIC BEEPING AND WHOOSHING

Feck off.

Right answer!

Well, here we go!

Allow us to present to you the new and improved Buster Brady!

AUDIENCE: Woooooh!

Oh! Well, Buster, you scrub up well.

IN HUSKY VOICE: Buster is looking good.

I beg your pardon? Sorry!

I don't feel right.

Don't be ridiculous, son, you look fantastic.

Yeah, but it's not me.

Buster, it's a blind date off the internet - she won't be her either.

Er, what you talking about, Cathy? I have a photo of her.

Oh, show us.

Maggie, how many women post a real photo

to internet dating sites?

About 30% of women post real photos.

I bet it's the same for men. I'll ask Maggie.

Maggie, how many men post real photographs on the internet?

Don't be stupid!

None!

Ha-ha, that is not true.

Why? What photograph did you post?

I can't remember.

Really? Well, it's just as well I checked and printed it out.

That was two years ago, in Torremolinos.

Sure it was.

You won't even know each other when yous meet.

We will! I have to carry a white rose and she'll be carrying

a box of chocolates.

I can just see you there, you waving

your rose and her with her big box.

My tummy doesn't feel right. You're probably stressed,

you know, with the judges seeing your house tonight.

I don't get stressed, I get even.

But I thought the results were being announced tonight? They are.

My house is going to be the last to be seen.

My tummy doesn't feel right.

Mm. Winnie have you got an antacid?

No, but I have an Uncle Mick.

I'm only joking.

His name is Michael.

Don't be too pushy.

Don't be too pushy. OK.

If she makes a joke, laugh.

HE LAUGHS LOUDLY

But not too loud. Not too loud.

HE WHINNIES

OK, somewhere in the middle there. In the middle, yeah, OK yeah.

And if she turns out to be a battle-axe...

Pretend to have a heart attack.

No! Just be honest, say she's not what you were expecting

and politely excuse yourself. Really?

No, pretend to have a heart attack. Good luck.

Look at them, the judges.

I bet they've picked the winner already.

My mother's loving being a judge.

I'm so glad you recommended her.

Fair play, Mrs Brown. Yeah, I suppose it was big o' me.

That's illegal.

What is? Bigamy.

That's one husband too many.

So is monogamy.

THEY CHUCKLE

I have a monogamy sideboard.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, listen, I'm going to go home.

I want to get my Christmas cardigan on before the judges get there.

I have some antacids at home anyway. I'll see yous later. See you later.

See you later. Bye, Mrs Brown.

You won't forget to look at my house, will you? Of course not.

There's no cheating going on here, is there?

SHE CHUCKLES

I'm only joking.

And I'll be putting my two cents in.

Oh, well, at least you're not overcharging.

We'll see you shortly.

Don't call me shorty.

And I'm... I'm ready when you are.

CLATTER

When you're ready, Sharon.

Thanks, Sharon!

Sharon!

Let go!

CHOCOLATES!

HELLO?

CHOCOLATES!

Box of chocolates.

Here, Father. Hold that.

Thanks, Buster. What's this for?

Good luck.

Chocolates?

No, thank you.

Who has the white rose?

Er, I have, over here.

Well...

..hello there...

..big...

..sexy boy.

Are you talking to me? Yep.

And I'm going to lick ya all over.

Can I get you something?

I'll have whatever he's having.

What, a heart attack?

A bit of peace and quiet now before the judges get here.

DOORBELL RINGS

That's the end of peace and quiet.

Ewen, come on.

MAGGIE: That's the front door.

Don't get cocky, Maggie.

Right, judges, let's get ready to rumble.

Welcome to my Christmas grotto.

MUSIC: Deck The Halls

Very impressive.

Indeed. Interesting.

I would've thought that, at least for the "judging",

you'd have had Grandad out of sight.

Oh, no, Grandad is part of the decor.

Er, Maggie? Grandad!

ELECTRICAL BUZZING

Maggie?

White Christmas!

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

Very impressive.

Yes, very interesting.

A Christmas extravaganza!

As head judge, I... I don't remember saying that you were the head...

As head judge, I would like to say you did a great job here, Mrs Brown.

Thank you very much. What do you think, Mrs Nicholson?

Well, I see only one problem.

Oh? And what's that? It's all very nice,

but this is a "Christmas competition",

and I don't see a tree.

You can hardly call it a Christmas extravaganza...

I'll break her "buckin' fingers".

..without a "tree".

Oh, dear.

Wait a minute... I wonder what

the Christmas fairy's brought.

What's this?

AUDIENCE: Oooooh!

APPLAUSE

Put that in your pipe and buckin' smoke it, baby.

We'll be off, Mrs Brown, and I have to say, we are all impressed.

Thank you very much, Doctor. Indeed. Thank you, Father.

I verily think so.

HE MIMICS: I verily think so.

That one gives a compliment

like she's looking for a buckin' receipt for it.

Hello, Cathy, love.

Cup of tea?

Sure.

Nothing important.

Well, it must be important.

You look very down.

I didn't get the promotion.

Oh, so nothing's changed.

So much for "pound me too".

"Hashtag me too"!

Well, whatever. It went to a man.

No, it was another woman. Favouritism.

Somebody less qualified than you.

No, she's brilliant.

Then, why are you so down?

I don't know.

Nothing seems to be going my way.

I was sure I'd get the job, and I don't know why,

but this date thing with Buster...

Buster? What about Buster?

Oh, speak of the devil.

Sorry to intrude.

Um, but I got a suit and, er, I went to a lot of trouble

so, you know, it was, like, er...

Cathy,

would you like to go for a Christmas drink?

Sure, Buster.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Why don't we all go for a Christmas drink? They're announcing

the results in Foley's and I think I'm in with a chance.

I was kind of hoping it might just be me and Cathy.

Oh, well, you were kind of buckin' hoping wrong.

Come on!

Shh! Shh!

THEY ALL CONTINUE TALKING Sharon?

QUIET!

And a very happy Christmas.

Thank you, Sharon.

Well, it has been a wonderful contest and it raised 500 euro

for the Finglas Warriors.

And we wish them well in the quarterfinals.

Thank you, Father.

As head judge, it is my duty to announce the winner

of the best-decorated Christmas house,

a Christmas extravaganza.

And the winner is -

no relation -

Mrs Sheila Flynn.

Congratulations, Auntie Sheila.

I was sure you were going to win it, Agnes.

No, not with Hilliary on that feckin' judging panel.

Me plan backfired.

Hard luck, Mrs Brown.

In the end, it was between you and Sheila, and she got it, two to one.

Oh, well, Father McBride, that's the way it goes,

but thank you very much for your vote.

Oh, I didn't vote for you, Mrs Brown.

The one vote you got was from...

..Mrs Nicholson.

MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everyone

It's Christmas, is anybody going to sing?

# Snow is falling

# All around me

# Children playing

# Having fun

# It's the season

# Of love and understanding

# Merry Christmas, everyone

# We're going to have a party tonight

# I'm going to find that boy underneath the mistletoe,

# We'll kiss by candlelight

# Snow is falling all around me

# Children playing, having fun

# It's the season of love and understanding

# Merry Christmas, everyone

# Snow is falling Snow is falling

# All around me All around me

# Children playing Children playing

# Having fun Having fun

# It's the season of love and understanding

# Merry Christmas, everyone

# Merry Christmas, everyone

# Merry Christmas, everyone! #

CHEERING

Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

# Merry Christmas, everyone. #