Original subtitles

Hayley >> All right, holding cell check is done.

Felix >> TroopgGrid surveillance sensitivity set to 'maximum'.

>> I'm almost done cleaning up the popcorn I spilt.

[elevator clanks] >> He's here, everybody.

All right, look alive now. We need to bring our 'A' game.

Jake >> What's the big deal? We have monsters in here

all the time. Stockley >> Not like this one.

I know we've fought some of the most horrific monsters

anyone could image but now we step through the looking glass

into the black hole of evil.

I just hope your training is equal to the task of...

Dr. Cranius.

[elevator door rumbles]

***

[music stops] Jake >> It's just a sponge.

>> It's a sponge that's also the black hole of evil.

***

[music stops] >> Okay, dude, seriously,

where is that music coming from? ***

[music stops] >> Huh?

[music plays] Oh, sorry guys.

Excuse me. I have to change my ring tone.

Hey, Mom. Hi.

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

Stockley >> To review: you're all going to take turns guarding

Dr. Cranius while International builds a supermax facility.

Take the utmost precaution.

Do not get too close to him.

Try not to look him in the eye. And above all,

do not talk to Dr. Cranius.

Is that clear?

>> Can I just ask a quick question?

>> Of course. >> He looks like a sponge.

>> That's not a question.

>> Why are we guarding a sponge? >> Better.

Dr. Cranius is a manipulative, evil genius.

He once nearly destroyed the town of Schenectady, New York

using nothing but a diving mask and a rubber stamp.

Also, he went to Harvard. >> Cool.

Stockley >> No, not cool. He's evil.

Even I was once his victim. >> What happened?

>> He talked me into painting him black then building

a catapult to launch him onto a coal truck so he could escape.

I was young and my love of catapults got the better of me.

***

Cranius >> So, Stockley, we meet again.

>> It's Mr. Stockley,

and I haven't forgotten our last meeting.

>> You know, I was almost burned in that power plant furnace

with the rest of my anthracite friends.

But it was worth it because shortly thereafter,

I stopped a government program to synthesize ice cream

out of thin air.

I'd say America got its just desserts.

[evil laugh]

>> I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Cranius >> Ow! I can feel that, you know.

Stockley >> Good, now what was your plan when we captured you?

>> You know I can't tell you that.

One has a code of evil, after all.

>> Oh, really? [click, sizzle]

>> A three-way bulb. I might have guessed.

>> Answer my question! Tell me what

you were working on! >> That's not a question.

[click, sizzle] >> You can't.

>> I'm happy to sit here all night and watch you dehydrate.

[sizzle] >> All right, all right!

I'll talk.

Give me water, please. I beg you.

>> I'm listening.

>> The job I had when you picked me up...

>> At the spa? >> A cover to meet a contact.

Info was passed.

The evaporation.

Oh, everything...dizzy.

[groan]

>> Take him away.

***

[whirs and thumps]

Cranius >> Last time I was in Troop custody was in St. Tropez.

I was going to make it the base of my ocean empire.

Beautiful girls in St. Tropez.

I remember this one red-head...well,

let's just say evil isn't my only weakness.

But you probably know all about beautiful girls, right?

[chuckle]

No? Well, here's a little free advice.

If you want a girl to like you, flatter her.

You like her hair, your like her earrings.

Don't make it too complicated. Flattery works.

>> But... Ahem.

Cranius >> Right, don't talk to the evil guy.

You're obviously well-prepared. You're chief security liaison,

I assume. Top man, top job.

>> Security...liaison?

>> Oh, maybe you're not the liaison.

Maybe it's someone else.

I guess you wouldn't tell me either way.

***

Hayley >> Hey, Etienne.

I see you're having a car wash on Saturday too.

>> Yeah, we're trying to raise money

for the Temblor speaker system.

It's two times louder than what hearing experts recommend!

>> Cool, yeah, but we were having a car wash Saturday.

Etienne >> Can you change it? We've planned ours for months.

We put a pop-up virus on the Lakewood High website

and everything. >> All right.

I'll see if I can change the date.

>> Ah, dude, you're a life saver.

[school bell rings]

***

>> Hey, Alicia.

>> Hey, Jake. What's up?

>> I just wanted to say how much I liked your hair.

I love how it flows like a beautiful blonde river.

It's so cool. >> Really?

Thanks.

>> Well, see you around.

>> I hope so.

***

>> Look, there was a conflict between our car wash

and the AV club's. It's the same day

so I told that to Etienne I'd see if I can move it

so, yeah, just let me know.

Okay, I'll talk to you later. Call me back, bye.

Cranius >> I wouldn't do that

if I wanted to get into Harvard. >> Hah.

Cranius >> And, I know about Harvard and it's love

of car wash organizers in particular

because as you can probably tell, I went there.

But if you want to sabotage yourself, be my guest.

>> What's wrong with just changing the date though?

>> Wonderful. A copycat car wash.

That'll work.

Do you want to go to copycat Harvard?

>> Copycat Harvard? >> You know it as Yale.

Don't back down. This Etienne is made of pudding.

He'll cave at the slightest show of force.

Felix >> How's he doing? >> Ah, super, excellent,

super-spongy. It's great, yeah, bye.

***

Cranius >> So, you must be my chief security liaison.

I know what you're thinking, how do I know it's you

and not the girl? Or Jake?

Oh, you don't have to be a three-dimensional sudoku master

to see it.

I mean, Jake may not think you're tough but I do.

[water sloshes]

>> Wait.

Jake doesn't think I'm tough?

Cranius >> You know, it's not really my place to say.

If I were you, I'd start projecting more...duende.

>> Duende? >> It's a term

I first encounter at Harvard, where I went.

It means authenticity, soul...machismo even,

but so much more. Our old friend Garcia Lorca

said it best: "The arrival of the authentic

anticipates always a radical change."

>> Si.

Si.

***

[sizzle]

Stockley >> Two, zero, eight, zero South Street.

>> And, I got Alicia's number, and a bunch of other

girl's numbers, and the grounds keeper's number.

Flattery is obvious but it works.

Cranius >> You, my friend, are a smooth operator.

And handsome. >> Oh, thank you!

I don't know how to repay you.

>> You're happiness is my reward.

Of course, well, oh never mind. Jake >> Wait, come on.

Cranius >> Maybe something beautiful to look at.

>> A girl? A beach?

>> Harvard. Harvard Yard, The Coop,

Wigglesworth Hall. Maybe something on poster board.

>> Ah, I don't know, Dr. Cranius.

You're suppose to be evil. >> You're right.

It's better not to talk to me at all.

You'll find out about Stage Two for getting the ladies

some other way. >> Stage Two?

>> Well, if you want to get Alicia really interested,

text her best friend.

>> That sounds a little sketchy.

>> Human nature is sketchy, dear boy.

And speaking of sketchy, I think Felix is in line

for the security liaison position.

>> My security liaison position?

>> It should be yours. You're smart.

Maybe not book smart, but... >> Street smart.

>> Not that exactly.

>> I have emotional intelligence?

Cranius >> Um, not that either. But somehow you're smart.

Felix doesn't think so, but I do.

And I went to Harvard.

[approaching footsteps] Felix >> Hello, Jake.

Were you talking to Dr. Cranius?

Jake >> No. Were you?

>> No. Jake >> Nice day today.

Felix >> Indeed. [Cranius chuckles softly]

Air is stimulating for the animal appetite...sss.

>> Is something up with you? >> I was going to ask you

the same question. [Cranius laughs]

[coughs]

Felix >> Sorry, what was that?

Cranius >> Nothing, carry on. Felix >> So what's up

with you, Jake? [evil laugh]

***

Amy >> Oh, Hayley. Okay, it took a ton of work

but I moved the car wash till next week.

>> Great. Yeah, now change it back.

>> What? Hayley >> Cheerleaders

do not back down, Amy. When the team is behind,

do we stop cheering? >> No.

Hayley >> When a player is injured or there's a fire,

do we stop cheering? >> No!

How big a fire? >> Look, I don't care what

the AV club is doing but we are going on with this car wash

as if our very future depends on it.

Yay Wombats... Yada yada.

Jake >> Hi, Hayley. >> Hello, Jake.

>> How's the prisoner?

>> I don't know. I don't talk to him to find out.

>> Me either. >> Uh hm.

***

>> You're up, Jake. >> I know.

I'll be there. Don't worry about it.

>> Where is the salt that gives this job savor.

>> I was worrying first. So don't worry

because I'm already worrying. >> Maybe so, friend-o.

But you're going to have to get up pretty early to out-worry me.

I'll tell you what, call it.

Jake >> Tails.

>> That's correct but that doesn't mean anything.

***

[thud] Felix >> Ah! Darn!

Jake >> Felix is after that security liaison job.

Cranius >> You have to prove you can build a better mousetrap.

>> Yes! Mice!

>> Not a literal mousetrap, Jake.

>> Oh. Cranius >> Top of my head,

but maybe you build a new surveillance system for me.

Now you have to sit next to my pen your entire shift.

How could you see me from any room in headquarters?

What would reflect my image throughout?

>> I shinny sword?

A silver tray.

Cranius (whispers) >> Mirrors. >> Mirrors!

Cranius >> Brilliant. A system of mirrors.

You astound me. >> Thanks.

I'm pretty good at ideas. Hey, that reminds me...

Ta-da.

It's Harvard. Got it off the Net.

It's either Harvard University or Harvard Pet Training Center.

Cranius >> Either way, it's perfect.

Jake, I can't tell you what this means.

[evil laugh]

***

[girls giggle]

[cell phone beeps]

Alicia >> He's texting you? Friend >> Alicia...

Alicia >> I can't believe he'd do this to me.

Jake is such a jerk. I Don't want to talk about it.

Friend >> Alicia, wait up! Alicia, come on!

>> This Jake, his arrogance tests my patience.

What are all these mirror for anyway?

>> I think this is Jake's idea of a security system.

>> Ha ha, I could do better in my sleep.

Cranius >> Then you should, Felix.

The way to win the security liaison job is to build

a better mousetrap. >> We have mice?

Cranius >> Oh, come on!

Has no one ever heard that expression?

>> Oh, you mean build a better security system?

>> Yes, finally. Thank you.

What would keep me from escaping?

>> Fire ants, tacks, broken glass...

>> No, none of that beams with the laser pin-point accuracy

worthy of a great inventor such as yourself.

>> I could always use a laser. >> Yes.

[Felix chuckles] Cranius >> Great, look busy.

>> Hey, dude, is it possible that your mom

brought your baby photo album to school?

>> What? No, that's impossible.

Hayley >> I just, you know, I thought I saw her up

in the hall with some football players showing

your first potty pictures. [Felix gasps]

Mom!

Cranius >> Why did you do that? I'm resting now.

Tell Felix to come back.

>> Okay, Etienne is going on with the car wash.

I thought you said he'd back down, huh?

Cranius >> God, a challenge. You must make something

truly spectacular. An event!

There must be entertainment, music, an omelet bar

with fixin's. >> But that's expensive.

I mean, isn't that less money for charity?

>> Go to Junior College then.

>> My mother's not up there. It was just a bunch

of football players who don't understand a spirit of duende.

>> My bad.

***

>> I thought sponges were suppose to be clean.

***

Bingo!

Cranius >> Angle it about 20 degrees to the north.

Perfect. Now I'll never get out of here.

>> What's all this? >> Security, amigo.

A laser fence.

>> But I've already got a system.

>> Mirrors? Mirrors are filled with lies.

But lasers, she's direct and to the point.

>> Okay, you have to stop talking like that.

It's really annoying. >> You're just jealous

of my duende.

Jake >> Take these lasers down. The mirrors work fine.

>> Mirrors don't do anything.

[machine whirs]

[zaps]

[gasps] Jake >> Oh, boy!

Felix >> Dr. Cranius. A little help here, please.

[machine whirs, water sloshes]

Cranius >> Hee hee, boys, good job.

I couldn't have done it without you.

Felix >> But the lasers. Jake >> And mirrors.

Cranius >> I'm a sponge in water, idiots.

I'm impervious to lasers. Can't say the same for you.

Adieu, mes amies!

You run a lovely little bed and breakfast here.

>> Mr. Stockley's going to kill us.

>> But he can never kill... >> Just stop.

***

[fizzle]

Oh no!

[boing!]

CRANIUUUS!

Jake >> He manipulated us.

>> Kudos, mi amigo.

>> You can stop with all that duende stuff.

It was just a bunch of nonsense.

>> Dr. Cranius may be evil but in that evil, truth walks,

like a shadow. >> Oh, man.

Is your hand free? Call Hayley on your watchcom.

***

>> What do you mean we're out of fixin's?

Take some money from the petty cash and go get some more.

>> Okay, okay. [watchcom beeps]

Hello. >> Hayley, Dr. Cranius escaped.

Hayley >> Oh, that's bad. Etienne >> Hey, Hayley,

want to know what this smells like?

Okay, well this one smells like eggs

but the rest of it smells like victory.

>> I'll begin combing the area. It shouldn't be too hard

to spot a giant, moving jar. [watchcom beeps off]

>> Ah ha! Freedom!

Time to rid myself of this liquid prison.

[thud, splash]

Now, to get to my get-away car.

Ah ha! My plan, my plan

[muffled speech] is working perfectly.

***

[power winds down]

>> What happened? Where's Cranius?

>> He escaped. >> Oh, good grief.

>> Obviously he's gone to the car wash.

He is a sponge after all. >> Or did he?

There is no "obviously" with Dr. Cranius.

He expected us to think he was going to the car wash

which gives him time to be anyplace but the car wash.

>> Unless he knows that's what we're thinking

and while we're someplace else, he's at the car wash.

>> Ooh, a paradox.

Ha ha ha, curse you, Dr. Cranius.

>> Let's check the car wash anyway.

>> Must get to the driveway!

***

Geronimo!

***

Ha ha!

***

Curse my lack of mass.

Well, if my calculations are correct,

a skateboarder should be here in three...two...

onnnnne!

[whack] You're not going to let him

get away with that? >> Who's talking?

>> Not important. What's important,

you can't let a nerd throw a sponge at a cheerleader.

Sponge fight!

Weee hooo!

***

***

>> I've seen this in my dreams.

>> Dr. Cranius is using the chaos to escape.

Ingenious. >> If he gets away,

he'll got to the river and then to the ocean.

And if he turns the dolphins against us, humanity is toast.

[detector beeps] >> Ah, wait.

The scanner says he's heading out.

I'll see you guys on the other side.

>> Not if I see you first.

***

Oooaahh!

***

Ooohh!

[Cranius laughs]

***

[screams and shouts]

>> Hello, cinnamon. Right on time.

Cinnamon >> Hey, baby.

Cranius >> Well done.

I was afraid that in the confusion, you might miss me.

>> How could I miss you, Gunther?

You're the handsomest sponge here.

>> Not for long. Let's blow this burg, doll.

[student's shouts]

Jake >> Cranius! Cranius >> Quick!

Get to the river. Take the highway.

>> My GPS says take surface streets.

>> GPS, when did you graduate from Harvard?

That's what I thought. Take the highway!

>> Stop! >> Cinnamon, go!

[breaks screech]

[Cranius grunts]

>> No one leaves until I smack that two-timing Jake Collins!

[Jake grunts]

***

>> Gotcha! >> Unhand me, vertebrate.

Electric shock! [zap]

[Jake grunts, pants]

>> Let go of me! Hayley >> Admission denied.

Cranius >> How dare you. Jake >> Phew, that was close.

Cranius >> Don't you realize who I am?

[smack] [thud]

Jake >> Aw, I guess I deserved that.

Hayley >> Total disaster.

Between the omelet station and the band,

we actually lost money for charity.

>> But we caught Dr. Cranius.

>> Which I can't put on an application.

[microwave beeps]

[sizzle]

Felix >> Next time we won't be so easily charmed

by your honeyed words. >> I'll be back.

And I'll crush you! Do you hear me?

I'll crush you!

Hey, that's a great shirt, Jake. >> Really? Thanks.

Stockley >> Jake. >> Dang it!

Cranius >> Let me out of here! Let me out of here!

Let me out!

I'm a sponge, I deserve better.

Please, please let me out!

***

I went to Harvard!

***

[zaps, clanks]

>> Seriously, Jake. >> Huh?

>> That is a nice shirt.

>> Thanks, man.

***