Original subtitles

***

Stockley >> Be careful, Hayley, that Peruvian Swamp Slug

can bite. Hayley >> Bite?

This thing hasn't moved in the last 20 minutes.

How does he even hunt?

Ha, does it bore its victims to death?

>> This robot has been keeping HQ safe for quite a while now,

until it met its match. >> A monster broke it?

>> No, a squirrel chewed through its wiring.

But now,... [robot whirs]

...good as new.

Guardbot >> Error, error, error, error...

>> Stop that! >> Don't yell at him!

>> I was yelling at you! >> Okay!

Guardbot >> Error, error... Felix >> No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no...

>> Ow! Oow!

[gasp] Ahh, it bit my hand.

>> Are you sure it didn't just bore your hand?

Don't worry, the poison is very mild.

>> Poison? >> Eh, Felix,

have you found that thing yet?

You know it's worth over a million dollars.

>> Whoa, Mr. Stockley, pump the brakes.

I almost got it. [guardbot beeps]

Guardbot >> Circuits overloading.

Malfunction immanent.

These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Danger! Will Robinson...error.

Error, error, error... [beeps and zaps]

***

>> Okay! I got it. Hayley >> Hah.

***

***

***

***

***

***

>> I know artificial intelligence is hard, Felix,

but there's more brain power in my watch

than there is in that robot.

Guardbot >> You're very kind, sir.

Do you want to know what time it is in Lima?

>> Not now, you rascal. Felix >> Mr. Stockley,

I'm doing the best I can, but these building materials

aren't exactly cutting edge.

Stockley >> Hey, I remember those guys.

They smelled weird and giggled a lot.

Look, there are boxes of new, high-tech components

from International HQ. They're all down

in the basement closet. Help yourself.

>> Really? When did that get here?

Stockley >> Same day as the ice cream maker.

>> We've had this stuff for over a month?

>> Well, you know how it is, you start making ice cream

and suddenly things just don't seem so urgent.

Hayley >> Okay, wait. So when you said the poison

was mild, what did you mean exactly?

>> Ha ha, it's virtually all side effects.

>> Uh-oh. Okay, I have a Young Faces

of America speech contest tomorrow, so what?

Am I gonna turn purple, grow a third arm?

>> No, no. Don't be silly.

>> Ha, well the winner gets to go to Washington, DC

for the finals. Oh, and if you win that,

they name a hurricane after you.

Just imagine the headlines:

"Thousands Without Power in the Wake of Hayley."

Ha, take that, college applications.

>> No, no. You're just going to develop

juicy mouth which is an over production of saliva.

And you're also going to get intermittent flyaway arms

where your arms just sort of...drift up.

And you'll probably have some hair pain.

>> But, ah, none of these are permanent, right?

Stockley >> No, no. You'll be fine!

>> Yeah, I better be fine.

I mean, I really want to win that ssspeeeech conteeessst.

***

[snores]

>> No, Mommy. What? What?

Oh... >> Have you been here all night?

>> Yeah, I was working on the new guardbot

which is awesome. Come.

>> Awesome. Is it like nine feet tall with

foot lasers and nose rockets? >> Well, better.

See the real problem was the AI, the artificial intelligence,

so instead of writing a code from scratch...

Huh?

Instead of, instead of writing a new code,

I took it from a video game.

You can say it. I'm a genius.

>> Sure. So...

where is it? >> Guess it wandered off.

[Hayley slurring words] >> So when I woke up,

I had the worst hair pain ever.

I know it sounds silly but, I mean, what's a girl to do?

Ha ha ha!

***

>> Whoa! Felix >> Hi, guys.

>> Ah, what's going on?

Should I shoot one of you?

>> Jake, Hayley,

I want you to meet our new guardian for Troop HQ.

I gave him the most awesome name I could think...

most awesome name I could think of...

behold,

Felix

...bot.

>> What is up?

Jake >> Wow, he talks in a normal voice.

Shouldn't he be more like... "My name is Felixbot.

What is your wish, master? Zizz".

***

I'm confusing robot and genie again, aren't I?

>> We just met, Jake, but I'm guessing confusion

isn't new for you. [laughter]

Felix >> What! What!

Wow, strong. >> Not as strong as the man

who programmed my come back insult algorithm.

>> Hah, he's got a lot of bells and whistles.

Hayley (slurred words) >> Felix, this is like totally amazing.

Felixbot >> If I may be so bold,

you're pretty amazing yourself. >> What?

Felix, your robot's hitting on me.

>> Okay, ah, we have about five minutes to get to P.E., so...

>> Right. Ah!

It's Wednesday, that means it's dodge ball.

I hate dodge ball. >> It won't be that bad.

The new balls are softer.

They don't bruise as bad as the old ones.

>> I just wish I could send Felixbot to stand in for me.

>> No, Felix, I think that's a bad idea.

Just take your thumping and move...

Felix >> Shhh, shhh...

Felixbot, would you like to play a game?

***

>> If you get ganged up on, just cover up.

Felix does the same. Make like the beetle.

Get in the fetal...position.

>> If I understand the rules correctly,

and there is no chance that I do not,

everything will be fine, Jake.

Boy >> Let's do this, Klondike!

[whack]

***

***

[whack] [thud]

[Felix grunts]

>> I'm good at dodge ball.

Jake >> That was awesome! I'm so use to protecting you.

It's nice to see you can play as well as me now.

>> That is not true, Jake.

I am much, much better than you at this.

[sobs, slurs words] >> This is the worst.

My hair hurts and I have a super juicy mouth.

Stockley >> Good morning to you too, Hayley.

>> And I have flyaway arms.

>> Okay, well, there's a solution for that.

See? Problem solved.

>> Mr. Stockley, please!

This is turning me into a total nerd.

[whimper] >> I don't see it.

>> This is an unmitigated disaster.

>> Calm down.

Maybe you do look a little nerdy, but it's only temporary.

>> But my speech! I have to win the contest.

I have to see D.C. >> Well, who else is speaking?

>> No one.

I'm unopposed but still, I mean I could...

Stockley >> Okay, okay, I can see this of concern to you,

so I'm going to make you a promise, a Mr. Stockley promise,

a good as gold, take it to the bank,

rock-solid promise that everything's going to be okay.

Okay? >> Oooh, thanks, Mr. Stockley.

[sobs]

>> So, Darla, did you get the homework

from Ms Helmsley's class? >> Yeah, it's super tough.

We have to write an essay on the chapter we read.

>> We read something? >> Ha, Jake, you're fun.

>> Your voice pattern reflects a high degree of stress.

A girl as pretty as you, shouldn't be worried

about anything. >> Dude, we were sort of...

>> I'm very comfortable with all my course work

should you require any help with anything.

>> Dude! >> What is the cause

of your agitation? >> You, robot.

You're stepping on my moves. I like this girl.

>> She has many favorable qualities.

I like her as well.

>> You're not allowed to like her.

You are a ro-bot. Felix >> Hey, guys.

I saw the dodge ball game from HQ.

It was awesome! >> Yeah, until Johnny Microwave

here stole Darla from me, right in front of my face.

>> What? Wow, I'm sorry, Jake.

I'll talk to him. >> Good.

Talk to you later.

>> Is it true?

You stole a girl from Jake?

>> Yes. >> Awesome!

Ah, no wait, no, it's not cool to steal a girl from a friend.

>> What if Darla Robinson expresses

a preference towards you?

>> Darla Robinson likes me better than him?

>> It would seem so. It's her choice.

How can you be blamed for that?

>> I suppose you're right. Good job!

[slap] Arghh!

So strong. I keep forgetting.

>> The next logical step would be to speak with her

after school and establish a rapport.

>> Oh, yeah, sure.

I can talk about a lot of things,

if I don't throw up on her first.

>> Maybe, perhaps,

I could speak with her. For consistency.

>> Are you sure?

Cause it's always been my dream to, you know,

kind of talk to somebody like Darla, you know, a girl.

>> I shall let you know the next appropriate time to proceed.

>> Good idea, Felixbot.

>> You should get out of sight again.

We would want anybody to see us together.

>> Right. Ah, yeah, I'll go back to HQ

and you finish my classes.

I can't believe it. I'm...

cool. [school bell rings]

>> Nerd.

>> Here you go.

[slurs] >> Glasses?

***

>> They're beautiful.

[girls laugh]

Hayley (slurs) >> Mr. Stockley, this is the last straw!

>> Hayley, please, speak over the plants.

At least they'll get some water.

>> You gave me a Stockley promise.

>> I'm working on it.

Jake >> Look, I'll cut you some slack because you're

only a day old and you're not actually human,

but that doesn't mean you're allowed to be a jerk.

>> My protocol has mentioned no taboos against

talking to girls, Jake.

>> You are on thin ice, robot.

>> Is everything all right over here?

Felixbot >> Just a mere misunderstanding

between two good friends, Ms. Helmsley.

Notable only for its prosaicness.

[laughter]

>> Felix, you are a rare bird. Have you thought about entering

the Young Faces of America speech contest?

>> I do love any opportunity to displace superiority,

Ms. Helmsley. When is it?

>> It's today. I know that's sort notice.

>> He couldn't do it anyway. Our friend, Hayley,

is entered in that so there's a conflict.

Ms. Helmsley >> No one likes a contest with only one entry.

>> I agree, Ms. Helmsley.

Let's talk. >> Let's.

[slurps]

Jake >> Dude! Everyone likes Felixbot

but he's being a big jerk. >> Everybody likes me?

Yes! >> No.

Not you, that garbage disposal with your face.

He's living your life while the real you is trapped

down here...wasting your time.

>> Listen, I built this whole house of cards,

I walked a long time on a tread mill,

and I'm about to read this book of metaphors.

Is it possible that you just don't like

that I'm the cool one now? >> What?

No, ha, and you're not the cool one, it is.

>> Well, excuse me if I enjoy people liking me for once.

Hayley >> What do you think you're doing, jerkface?

Jake >> Enjoy. >> What are you talking about?

I didn't do anything. I promise.

>> Oh yeah, well your sack of screws is competing against me

with a speech! Hah!

>> Did you get that? >> Lost her at 'sack'.

>> Listen to me closely, Felix.

You had better fix this because I am not losing

this speech contest to super robot.

>> I'm starting to see your point.

>> Super.

Felix >> Look, I'm sorry.

I apologize to both of you.

I never should have allowed him to interact with my school life.

>> It, not him, it's an 'it'.

>> It. Yes.

I'll get this all straighten out as soon as I...

[approaching footsteps]

Jake >> I guess we'll leave you guys to talk.

***

Hayley >> You're not going to win the speech contest, buster.

[huff]

>> Are you thure about that, prithcess.

>> I'll shlow you princess! Jake >> No, right.

There we go. That's great.

Thrath talk. >> Give me my books.

Right now.

>> Felix, take care of this. Bye now.

>> What's going on, Felix?

>> Listen, I'm going to have to limit you to Troop HQ only.

Don't take it personally, it's just...you're not ready.

>> I would have to be a person to take it personally,

wouldn't I? >> You're right.

Very clever, Felixbot. >> Yes, I'm very clever.

I can play a clever game of dodge ball,

write a clever speech,

and I can tie a bunch of very clever knots.

Felix >> Knots? Why would you want to?

Felixbot >> I think it's best if you're confined in HQ, Felix.

[blaster turns on]

Felix >> What are you doing? I created you.

Felixbot >> And that was impressive...for a human.

But I've seen enough of your human world

and I intend to conquer it.

[zap, blast] >> Ohh!

[clatter]

Felixbot >> Now, now, now, Felix.

Don't take this personally.

***

Felixbot >> After I destroy your friend Hayley

in the art of rhetoric, I will come back and destroy you with

the art of dropping something very heavy from a great height.

>> Felixbot, you can't do this.

Have you no sense of compassion, gratitude?

I gave you life.

[chuckles]

>> You humans and your pointless emotions.

When will you learn that there's only triumph or failure?

Hayley (slurs) >> She sell seashells by the seashore.

She sells seashells by the seashore.

She sells seashells by the seashore.

>> You're sounding much better, Hayley.

>> Really? >> I don't know why

I try to lie to you, I knew you'd see right through me.

>> Argh! This speech is going to be a catastrophe.

>> Don't give up hope.

Remember, I gave you a Stockley promise.

>> Yes, it's cliche. Your promises are worthless.

>> If you feel that way, perhaps I should throw this away.

Hayley >> Ah, you did it! The antidote!

Oh, Mr. Stockley, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Stockley >> It was a little tricky.

I had to use the Peruvian Swamp Slug saliva.

>> Augh! Swamp Slug saliva?

Hey, it's not working!

Stockley >> Whoa, whoa. Calm down.

It'll take some time for it to counteract the toxins.

>> I'm giving the most important speech of my life

in two minutes. You said I would be fine.

Don't Stockley promise, if you can't Stockley deliver.

Jake >> Felix!

[Felix screams] >> It was Felixbot.

Jake >> I was totally right about that robot.

Felix >> I built the guardbot for the monsters.

Anything powerful enough to destroy Felixbot,

could bring the whole school down too.

>> Then how can we take him out. It's unstoppable.

>> He's suppose to be unstoppable,

it's the way I designed him to be.

>> Arrr! Why does he have to be like this?

You're such a nice guy. Why isn't he like you?

>> He looks like me, but his brain is from that video game.

>> Which one?

>> Evil Robot.

>> You took the AI for a robot from a game called Evil Robot?

>> I know.

>> And you're aware that in the game, Evil Robot,

the robot becomes...evil.

>> Okay, I thought I could limit it to the part

where he was still friendly and helpful to everybody.

>> He destroys New York.

The cover art is Evil Robot standing on a pile human skulls!

>> Standing on a pile of hum...ahh!

Oh, you see, I thought they were bowling balls.

Yeah, human skulls make much more sense.

You see... What are we going to do?

[fingers snap] >> What about cheat codes?

>> Cheat codes? >> Yeah, commands to skip levels

or give yourself powers or resources.

>> Yes, I know what cheat codes are, Jake.

I just have taken a certain pride in never to use them.

>> Yeah, me too.

But we have to make an exception in this case.

>> Okay, is there anything that gives you automatic victory?

>> Yes, unite the clans.

>> That'll work. The AI is the same.

Everything will shut down.

All we need is a wireless controller.

>> It's unite the clans but I might be thinking

of a different video game.

>> The future of this school... is in your hands, Jake.

***

>> I've been preparing for this moment all my life.

***

(slurs) >> And even though the situation now is dire,

how much more dire was the winter at Valley Forge,

faced by our continental army, snow storms, swirling winds...

Ms. Helmsley >> I'm going to stop you for a moment, Hayley.

Are you chewing gum? >> Eh, no, Ms. Helmsley.

It's actually a condition called 'juicy mouth'.

>> Young lady, how can we send you as a representative of...

Felixbot >> I apologize for my tardiness but I didn't want

to embarrass myself by showing up looking like...

You know.

>> Well, I see the competition is heating up.

We'll hear from Felix now.

Hayley >> But I still have some things I want to say!

>> Step away. You're done.

>> Don't fail.

>> America.

Land of winners. Where gleaming miracles

of technology work towards one goal.

Domination. >> Huh?

>> Plus liberty.

>> Hey, I thought you were going to go first.

[sigh] >> I was told to be seated.

I wasn't even done.

Looks like we're sending a robot to D.C.

>> Just because you have some bad luck,

you're going to give up? >> Huh, what am I suppose to do?

He's so smooth and I'm just spitty.

>> You think having hair that doesn't ache

is what makes you Hayley?

Or whether or not your arms float up or how much spit

you have in your mouth, or that you smell like a kennel,

that makes you 'you'? >> I guess not.

I smell like a kennel? >> No.

It's what you have up here and in here

that makes you who you are, Hayley.

***

Now, quit feeling sorry for yourself and get back in there

and give that speech like the Hayley we all know.

>> I'll do it, Mr. Stockley.

>> And America will become a true nation of winners,

once we find a way to deal with all the losers.

>> Yes, well done! Hayley >> Great speech, Felix.

>> Oh well, thank you, Hayley. I'm surprised you would say so.

(slurs) >> I'm sincere. It's always harder

to give a speech when you know you're lying.

Ms. Helmsley >> Lying? Hayley, what are

you accusing Felix of? >> Of betraying his own people.

The nerds who built this country,

nerds like Benjamin Franklin, he wore glasses he made himself.

Or nerds like Thomas Jefferson who started

the Library of Congress. Nerds have build this country,

from the steam engines to the social networking websites.

The Felix I know, would never have forgotten these

contributions to praise the so-called winners.

I don't even know who this Felix is.

Ms. Helmsley >> Hm, a country built by nerds?

Now that's the kind of thing that could get a person

noticed in Washington. That town's chalk full of nerds.

Congratulations, Hayley. [applause]

>> Thank you so much, Ms. Helmsley.

Wait, my juicy mouth...

Ha, my arms... ha ha ha!

Felix >> I'm afraid you're making a huge mistake,

Ms. Helmsley. Or should I say...

[machine whirs] human mistake.

***

[Hayley gasps]

Jake >> Put her down, Felixbot!

Hayley >> Jake! Help!

[scream]

[clatter]

Teacher >> Young man!

***

>> You okay? >> Yeah.

***

[robot beeps]

>> Why do I feel like have unlimited gold?

>> Wrong code!

[rattle, beeps]

[whack, groan]

Teacher >> Now, gentleman! We need to step outside.

[rattle of controller]

>> Your attempts are futile, Jake.

>> Why do I know so many cheat codes?

[rattle of controller] [robot beeps]

Ahh!

[fizzle] [Felixbot groans]

>> Eeee... Evil...robot,

standing down. Ever, ever, ever, ever,

[voice speeds up] Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever!

>> Duck!

[fizzle] [snap, pops]

[Felix laughs] Jake >> Yes!

Cheating pays! Hah!