Original subtitles

[mingled grunts and groans]

Mr. Freidberg >> Okay, people, keep it down.

Rex >> I didn't say anything.

You say anything, dudes?

We're just maxing and chillaxing, Freidberg.

>> "Maxing and chillaxing", ha.

You guys and your crazy talk.

And those pork pie hats.

You know they used to wear hats like that back in the day.

You know what they used to call guys who wore hats like that?

[clatter]

Ahh! Rex >> No.

But you know what they call dudes like you?

[gasps] Ha ha ha!

[Freidberg screams]

[heavy breathing]

Dinner!

[screams]

Tasty.

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

Felix >> Sorry I'm late. Wild night.

My paladin, Omar the Enlightened lost five charisma points,

turned into a mushroom, then things got crazy from there.

>> When you say 'wild night',

I do not think of role playing games.

I think of crowded parties, maybe even a few girls.

>> There were girls there, believe me.

Moms don't count?

>> Pretty sure that spot's clean by now.

>> There's clean and then there's clean.

>> Oh.

Felix >> Mr. Stockley cleans things when he's worried.

Last fall when Nuss threatened massive teacher layoffs,

I had Mr. Stockley detail my mom's car.

You could eat off that thing, and I did.

>> Mr. Stockley, what's wrong?

>> You want to keep that hand?

Hayley >> Must be bad.

>> Mr Freidberg has disappeared. I've been assigned

to morning announcements. >> So?

>> It's the culmination of a life-long dream of mine,

to be responsible for announcing the milestones

in young people's lives.

Dances, deaths, Sloppy Joe Fridays.

>> So what's the problem then?

Stockley >> I can't follow Freidberg.

Hearing his voice is like hearing Mozart,

except not boring. >> Mr. Stockley,

as the president of the Future Inspirational Speakers

of America, I will help you discover

the great morning announcer voice inside you.

[beeps] >> That's International.

They're sending out an advisory warning.

They have reason to believe these guys might be Vampsters.

Felix >> They're the Scaff brothers.

They just entered school last week.

***

Oh, they're horrible.

Everything is so EXTREME to them.

Jake >> They don't seem that bad.

Beside, what's a Vampster anyway?

>> Part vampire, part hamster.

>> That second part's so disappointing.

Felix >> They're actually quite deadly.

Super strong, fast and they have the ability to control

people's minds. >> And the cheek's capacity's

40 times that of a normal human

and 20 times that of a competitive eater.

Jake >> Let's go round 'em up! Hayley >> Hey, dude,

it's not that simple, okay. You have to find their lair

and then destroy the source of their power.

>> One of you is going to have to go undercover,

get close to those guys. >> Mr. Stockley, thank you.

>> Jake, do you think you're up to it?

>> What? Jake!

Mr. Stockley, disguises are suppose to be my thing.

Just give me five minutes so I can contact my guy

from the wig store.

>> Okay, Jake, look, remember, these are dangerous monsters.

You're really going to have to play it...cool.

>> What about me doesn't say "cool"?

>> Lisa Gold, what's happenin'?

So I was thinking me and you should catch a movie

Saturday night. >> Ah, no.

>> Dinner? >> No.

>> Snacks? >> No.

>> Come on, give me a shot. >> No.

>> Maybe we shouldn't go out. >> Yes.

>> Darn, you're good.

[boys grunting]

What's up, fellas? Keepin' it real?

I'm diggin' the hats.

Hey, you're wearin' them kind of askew, like your head's uneven.

In a cool way.

[boys grunt] Hey, do me!

[smack] Aahh!

[chuckles]

>> Hey, that was pretty good.

>> Didn't hurt but pretty good.

>> Is that why you made that crying sound?

[fingers snapping]

>> Hey, cool cats.

What's the scene, jelly bean? Name's Snake.

Don't wear it out.

All right.

Lookin' for some rebels like myself to ah, rule the school,

you know what I mean. >> You know this geek?

>> This geek? Yeah, right, I wouldn't be

caught dead with this guy. [Felix groans]

>> Then we just found our next nerd for extreme toilet dunkin'.

>> Extreme!

>> How extreme were you thinking?

Because I trained myself to hold my breath for exactly

two minutes, one-forty in toilet water.

>> Let's just kick his butt! >> Wait.

Let's have the new guy do it.

You messin' with my friends, geek?

>> Come on, let me have it.

Wow, you workout!

Ow ow! You're killing me!

Goodness! You're an animal.

Show me some mercy!

Jake >> Great, we blew it.

>> Jake, they're gone. >> I know.

Hayley >> Okay, let's try it again.

>> Can we take a break?

We've been at it for half an hour.

>> No, Mr. Stockley, we keep going until you get it right.

Now, good speaking posture, address the microphone,

and...go.

>> Good students morning.

Hayley >> It's okay. Slips of the tongue

come from worry and tension. If you're carefree like me,

then nothing bad will ever happen, Mr. Stinkley.

I meant, Mr. Stockley. Ahem.

[murmur of students]

>> This should do a lot to boost our popularity.

>> I know I left my retainer on the tray.

Somebody stole it.

>> Yeah, I'm sure your spitty retainer is catching high prices

on the black market. >> Right.

Felix >> Anyway, listen...

>> Yeah, and don't let me catch you trying

to talk to me again, nerd. >> What's the dealio, brosef?

>> Just trying ta shake this geek.

[chuckles]

>> Jake, your paper is two days late.

>> Yeah, about that. I...

>> You don't need his paper. He gets an A.

>> What did you say? >> I said,

don't need his paper and he gets an A.

>> Yeah, you're right.

I don't need your paper, Jake. And, you get an A.

>> That was amazing.

I mean, that was Extreme!

How can I repay you?

>> Just come meet us outside after school.

We'll hang.

>> They want to hang!

>> I'm so happy for you.

[boys grunt]

>> Hey, Lisa. Those boots are legit.

Let's hook up some time.

>> I'd rather crawl under a burning gasoline truck.

[boys laugh]

Rex >> No no, wait. Homeboy,

you can't let the ladies get you down.

You know what will make you feel better?

Is getting down on some of this beverage, bro.

>> Yeah, yeah, it'll make you feel killer.

[boys laugh]

Rex >> Scurry. >> What is it?

>> Just a little something only us 'bros' get.

You want to be like us bros, right?

>> Bro? >> Bro.

>> Bro! Rex >> All right!

Boys >> Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

>> Extreme!

[heavy breathing]

>> Judging by your heart rate, your dilated pupils and your

insanely huge buck teeth, I'd say you drank a synthetic

solution that give you the temporary powers of a Vampster.

Jake >> Yes! And I feel totally awesome.

I couldn't even sleep last night, I was so pumped.

And I'm not tired at all, brosef.

>> Would you stop calling me that!

Do you know how stupid you sound?

>> No. That's the great part.

Man, I feel like I could do anything.

Check out how fast I am.

>> Okay, how fast are you?

>> Ta da! I'm Felix.

I'm all "math is good". >> Ah haa.

Really funny. Can I have those back, please?

>> Okay. [whoosh whoosh]

>> Will you stop doing that and stay out of my box of disguises.

Jake >> Okay, I'm Audi 5000. Gotta go hang with my peeps.

Rex did the most awesome thing the other day...

Felix >> Jake, you should know, they're not your peeps.

They're Vampsters. They eat...peeps.

>> Yeah, whatever. >> Are you okay?

I mean, you need to keep your eyes on the prize.

I mean, people are in danger. >> I'm totally focused.

I just figure, what's wrong with taking advantage of these powers

while I have them. You're harshin' my cool, bro.

>> I'm sorry. I'm just worried about...

>> About me?

I know you are, brosef.

Okay, good talk.

[groan] Extreme!

[gasp]

Yo yo, Lisa Gold.

>> Go play in traffic.

[deep inhale]

>> What time should I pick you up on Saturday?

>> Pick me up at eight.

Jake >> We'll go see a horror movie and you'll buy me popcorn.

>> Horror movie and popcorn, yeah.

>> Now, get to class.

>> Class.

All >> Bam! >> You guys see that?

>> Pretty smooth, Jakey.

>> I don't know what's in that drink you guys gave me,

but I've gotta have more. I have to make this permanent.

>> Yeah, I think he's ready. >> Ready for what?

>> I think it's time to show you where we live.

>> Sweet.

[rip] [heavy breathing]

Aack!

>> I can't do it. >> Whoa whoa whoa!

What's wrong? >> I just...I can't tell you.

I'm so ashamed. >> Tell me,

our morning announcements depend on it.

Tell me right now!

>> Okay.

I was about to give my valedictorian speech.

Everyone was there expecting greatness

and then something terrible happened,

something I've thought about everyday since.

Pronounce that. >> Hm, mis-led.

>> I pronounced it mizzled. [sigh]

Mizzled. Mizzled. Mizzled...

>> Whoa whoa whoa! Mr. Stockley.

>> Everyone laughed at me.

And then when they were done, the sign-language interpreter

explained it to the deaf kids and they laughed at me.

They could be so harsh.

>> Let me show you something.

Your hero, Mr. Freidberg.

[recording of Freidberg] And congratulations

to Debra Hussey for her prize winning essay,

'Getting To Know Butt, Montana.'

I mean, Butte, 'Getting To Know Butte, Montana.'

This weekend's football game... [machine clicks off]

>> He said "Butt" instead of "Butte".

>> Mr. Freidberg made a mistake and he moved on.

>> And no one laughed at him.

>> No.

>> Well, they should have. [chuckles]

Butt, Montana. [chuckles]

Got a big ol' Butt, Montana.

>> Is that a giant running wheel?

Rex >> You'd think the humongous flat-screen TV would be

the first thing people notice.

They always mention the wheel. I don't know.

You know, bro, we're running low on Scurry.

I guess I'll finish it off. Yeah.

>> You guys keep it kind of cold in here.

>> Do you want to be 'chilled' you've gotta be chilled.

>> Right, of course. Trevor >> Hey, dudes!

Check me out!

>> Oh, yeah.

>> I can't believe you guys live here.

It's like a total fantasy.

>> But it's not a fantasy, bro.

This can all be yours.

[watchcom beeps]

Rex >> What's that? >> Ah, nothing.

Just a text from my... tanning consultant.

>> Yeah, rockin' that fake bake.

[garbled shouts] Extreme!

[watchcom beeps]

>> So you comin', bro?

>> Yeah! >> Let's go.

famous dudes Vampsters?

>> Ah-ha. Jake >> Even Lee Stanley?

He's a comic book god.

I totally want to be him when I grow up.

>> And you will be, dude. If you're initiated,

you could have anything you want: girls, powers.

You could be a comic book millionaire.

Even more famous than Lee Stanley himself.

>> Whoa!

>> So what do you say, Jake?

>> You had me at giant hamster wheel.

[boys laugh]

[thumps] Felix >> Almost there...

Come on door! [thumps]

>> I told you the door was unlocked.

Felix >> All right you little pukes,

put your kissers on the floor.

What, too cockney?

I was going for French a little bit but it would have been 'Oh,

put your kisssours en ze floor! Hayley >> Stop!

I don't want to have to use this.

[whoosh] [chuckles]

Felix >> Okay, a little fisticuffs then.

Why don't we try this on an even playing field.

What?

All right, boys.

Let's tussle.

[whooshes]

Okay, it was a 57 percent Jake backwash

so it may not have had the effect I intended.

Hayley >> Ew, you couldn't have told me that

before I drank Jake's spit?

Okay, Jake, a little help...

please.

Jake?

>> Lock them up.

We'll feast on them after my initiation.

Hayley >> Jake!

>> Whoa!

Man, it smells awesome down here.

>> Yeah, we added Hurricane Body Stray to the ritual bath.

>> Sweet. So, this is where we do it?

>> This is it, the source of all our power.

You immerse yourself in the ritual bath.

Drink, and you'll become one of us...forever.

It's a brotherhood, dude.

A brotherhood bonded by the power of Vampster essence

and human blood.

>> Sounds tasty, bro.

>> Are you ready to say "Adios" to lame teachers,

parents and homework?

And say "wassup" to unlimited power and internal life!

>> Oh, I'm ready.

[crash, splash]

>> Dude.

Uncool.

Hayley >> Come on, Felix, to the left and forward.

No no, right!

Felix >> As far as the ball is concerned,

there's only vomiting and no vomiting.

>> Stop where you are! Felix >> We can't!

Hayley >> Look, don't do this, Jake!

Okay. We're your friends.

[zap] [boom]

[heavy breathing]

Thanks.

>> Crikey, great shot, mate! Shrimp on the barbee.

>> Are you Australian now? Vampsters >> EXTREEME!

[whoosh, whoosh, whoosh]

[blasts]

>> Keep them busy!

>> Um...

***

[zaps] [boom]

Trevor >> Dude, that's my bed.

>> Oh, this is so not extreme, Jake.

Jake >> Extreme? You're part hamster.

It's like the lamest pet of all.

***

[beeps]

>> You blew it, brosef.

You could have had it all. >> I blew nothing.

You all drink from a giant baby bottle.

Do you know how unsanitary that is?

Trevor >> Ha ha! Let's do it.

This hamster's got claws!

>> Really? [zap]

How 'bout now?

[whoosh, whoosh] [Jake groans]

[thud]

[groans]

>> Had enough?

[panting]

>> Don't like the heat much, do you?

>> Not feelin'...extreme.

Aah! [groans]

>> I had a hamster once when I was eight.

On really hot days Mr. Snuggles would just lay there,

totally useless.

[groans]

Two times I thought he was dead.

Turns out, he wasn't dead at all.

Well, the first two times, anyway.

Hamsters just can't take the heat.

[beeps]

>> Nooo!

[poof, sizzle]

>> Now that's extreme.

[sizzle]

>> What the...?

>> Hey, you'll never believe what happened to Tuck...

Oh, maybe you would.

>> Are you guys okay? >> You planned this all along?

You raised the heat to slow them down,

destroy the power source and turn the Vampsters to dust.

Jake, you're a lot smarter than I give you credit for.

>> Thanks.

Aw, I got sawdust in my blaster.

[tap tap tap] Felix >> Wait! Wait! Wait!

Safety.

Well, at least we got the old Jake back.

>> Thanks, brosef. >> Ah!

>> I mean, buddy.

>> Good morning, students and faculty of Lakewood High.

Today, the cafeteria will be serving chicken.

Fried chicken and peas and mashed potatoes.

That's it for today.

Wishing you a wonderful morning, this is Mr. Stinkley.

Darnit!

Oh, stupid, stupid, stupid!