Original subtitles

***

Felix >> How's your shoulder? Hayley >> Oh, I'll live.

This Versy is a lot tougher that he looks.

Jake >> A Versy? A shape-shifter?

These things are incredibly dangerous.

>> Ah, congratulations, Jake.

Looks like somebody's finally been reading the manual.

>> I've been reading the manual all along.

And I started with the V section because it's the shortest.

Now let me see it. >> All right.

but it's pretty horrifying.

[gurgles]

>> That's the deadly Versy? >> Deadly...

[Versy farts] and also needs changing.

>> Ah, hey, where are we going to keep him?

>> QB-11 is empty.

Why don't you guys clear that out and I'll check him in.

>> You're okay alone with him?

>> Hah, come on, Jake. Look at him.

It's a baby. Plus, I'm armed.

***

[scanner beeps]

***

Vercingetorix.

Shape-shifter.

Approximately 200 years old...

and deadly.

[gurgles] Oh, ah ha.

[Versy snarls] Yeah, yup.

>> So what are you doing this weekend?

>> Well, homework in all my classes,

plus tickets to a symphony tomorrow,

a chess tournament on Sunday, but it's not being ranked

so I might just blow it off and go rock climbing instead.

Why, what are you doing?

>> Well, there's ah, there's a smell in my room

that I'd like to track down.

>> Fascinating.

[ring tone of Phoebe's singing] * I'm a dork, I'm a dork *

* I'm a dork, dork, dork I'm a dork, I'm a dork *

* I'm a dork, dork, dork * >> Phoebe!

What did I tell you about playing with my ring tones?

>> You said you'd teach me magic today.

>> I know, I know. I'll be home soon.

You're not in my room, are you? >> No.

Why does it smell so bad in here?

>> Just don't touch any of my things, okay?

Phoebe >> Don't flatter yourself, Jakey.

See you at home.

***

[clatter]

***

[crash]

***

[monster growls]

[Felix groans]

[monster roars]

>> What? He's tougher than he looks.

>> See? >> He reached through the bars.

His arms turned into a hammer. He hit me and broke the scanner.

It really hurts.

But, lucky for us, I always keep a spare.

[whack] Doh!

[Versy giggles]

Well, that's a bummer.

Jake >> Okay, come on, you.

>> Okay, later, Jake. >> Later.

>> Our monster's well-named since, as a shape-shifter,

it's very 'Versy-tile'. [laughs]

>> You just...never stop, do you?

Felix >> Ah, it's a gift. And a curse.

>> Um-hm.

Jake >> Locked down nice and tight.

>> Awesome, have a great weekend, dude.

[alarm sounds]

>> It's the Versy. I can't see a thing.

It must have disabled the surveillance cameras.

Hayley >> All right, I'm going to check the cells.

>> Hayley, wait! >> What's going on?

>> We put the Vercingetorix in QB-11

and there might be a disturbance.

>> Immediate Code Red lockdown! Nothing goes in or out.

Now!

Computer >> Lockdown procedure initiated.

***

[gurgles]

>> Mr. Stockley, I think the Versy

is in some kind of cocoon.

Stockley >> It's a lot worse than that.

The Vercingetorix is a shape-shifter.

It puts is victim in a cocoon and assumes the victims shape.

Jake >> Wait, what does that mean?

>> One of you is in that cocoon. And one of you is the monster.

***

Computer >> Danger. Alien organism infiltration.

Danger. Lockdown. Danger. Lockdown.

Danger. Lockdown. Danger. Lockdown...

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

Hayley >> I don't understand, Mr. Stockley.

How can one of us be a monster?

Stockley >> It's a shape-shifter.

It can imitate your body perfectly, right down

to the way you move and talk. >> Oh, sure, but can he do this?

>> Yes, but it probably won't want to.

>> I still don't understand how this could have happened.

We've all been here together this whole time.

>> Has anyone been alone with it?

>> We all have. >> Then at some point

the monster overpowered one of you, put you in a cocoon

and assumed your shape. And, in a while,

it will consume whoever's in that cocoon and reproduce.

>> Fine, I'm opening the cocoon with my laser blade.

>> Stop! Tampering with the cocoon

could be fatal to whoever's inside.

You're going to have to figure this our without cutting it.

[Nuss coughs] Ah, Principal Nuss.

Ah, just watching this monkey roller skate.

[laughs] [Nuss grumbles]

You're right, sir, that is more appropriate on my own time.

Felix >> Well, well, well.

A mystery. How delicious.

>> Can't we just scan it?

Felix >> Don't you remember, Hayley?

The monster broke it when I checked him in.

Twice.

Or should I say, one of you broke it.

Jake >> Or you did. Hayley >> Or you.

Felix >> Okay, let's calm down and let's figure this out

so nobody gets hurt. If you're really Jake,

what's your grandma's name?

>> Which one? Helen or Dixie?

>> You have a grandma named Dixie?

Hayley >> Felix, this only works if you already know

the answer to the question. >> Ahh! That's right.

I keep forgetting the rules. Hayley!

What's your favorite color? >> Yale blue.

>> Wrong! It's robin's egg blue!

>> Uh-ah, I want to go to Yale so I changed it.

Felix >> Okay, let's try this. Who can name both my turtles?

Very good. They don't have human names.

They only have turtlilian names.

One's called Hahhhh Hahhhh

and the other one's name is Tyler.

Hayley >> Okay, look, we have to figure out another test.

The real Jake is an excellent artist, so, show us something.

>> Fine.

***

***

>> Ahh. [gulps]

***

[glass shatters]

***

[chuckles]

>> I can't draw while you're standing over me like that.

One mistake and I'm toast.

I need some privacy. >> Nice try.

Nobody leaves anybodies sight.

>> Fine.

Hayley >> Not bad. Felix >> Hmm.

>> You draw what you know.

***

>> Ugh!

***

***

>> Okay, let's figure this out by using some logic.

Let's start... >> Jake is the monster.

>> What? How? >> Process of elimination.

Jake, the real Jake, is cocky, careless

and would be an easy target. >> What?

Felix >> True. But his unruffled attitude

is the secret of his appeal. Jake >> Thanks, Felix.

And your high opinion of me is good to know

but it doesn't prove anything. >> I know what happened.

>> Let's hear it. >> Do you remember when

we left Jake alone to put the monster in the cell?

Jake was goofing around as usual.

[chuckles]

[footsteps approach]

>> What? He is tougher than he looks.

>> See? >> He reached through the bars

and his arm turned into a hammer...

Jake >> Baby! * I'm gonna rock you *

* And then I'm gonna groove you *

* And then I'm gonna twirl you *

* And then I'm gonna rest cause I'm tired *

>> Jake?

* Lady... *

>> Hello?

Hello!

>> Huh? Sorry.

You guys go chill in the main bay and I'll catch up with you.

Poww poww! [Versy gurlges]

Hayley >> Ugh!

>> Let's go, big baby dude.

Sweet gig in here, bro.

Hang some posters, get some sweet speakers.

Here, you can borrow my Fist of Flame.

He's fighting Professor Foot, and he's all like...

[grunts] Hiii yaaa!

[grunts and puffs]

Dude, this is totally unreas!

Hayley >> So, you cocoon Jake and took his shape.

Hands up! >> No way!

You really think I'd say "Dude, totally unreas"?

Like I'm too busy to say "onable"?

>> You do say "dude" a lot. >> Dude, so does everybody.

I mean, so...does...everybody. We're wasting time!

>> That's an awfully good argument, Jake.

Perhaps a little too good.

Ooh, you're sounding awfully smart all of the sudden.

>> Wow, after all the times I've saved you,

gotten slimed with you and now you accuse me

of being a monster?

Especially, because I'm pretty sure...

Hayley's the monster. >> Ah, man.

>> Obviously, I am not the monster.

Jake >> Really? Because if I were a monster

the first thing I'd do is point my finger at someone else.

Which you just did. >> That does make sense.

You would want me to turn against Jake and then

finish me off for yourself. If you were the monster.

>> Felix! How can you even say that?

>> And remember, Hayley answered the alarm by herself.

She was alone with the monster in the cell.

>> Uh-ah. The monster was already gone

by the time I got there. [Felix gasps]

>> We don't know that for sure.

>> Here's how I see it happening.

***

Felix >> Hayley, listen! He's stronger than he looks.

He reached through the bars and tried...

Hayley >> Look, I don't have time for this.

I really have to go. Jake, ah,

you really need to optimize that haircut.

Felix, I typed out instructions on how to fix the scanner, okay?

I have to go. I'll be at the hospital.

I have surgery club.

That's ridiculous!

Okay, this school doesn't even have a surgery club, Jake.

Wait. Does it?

>> That's not the important part.

When the alarm went off, you ran back to the cells.

>> Look at this mess.

Spilled food attracts cockroaches.

Is that what you want? Cockroaches?

Aah! And your bed!

Already a mess! What kind of monster are you?

[cell phone rings] Hi, Mr. Mayor...

You know, I'm in the middle of something right now.

Can I call you back? Great.

Ciao. [smack]

Stand back.

I am going to show you how to make the bed military-style.

It takes two minutes and you'll use it

for the rest of your life. [huff]

Ahh! Nooo! Not my hair!

Ahhh!

[burp]

Jake >> You had just enough time to cocoon Hayley

and take her shape before me and Felix got there.

>> First, I'm offended that you think that I'm that picky.

Secondly, it's 'Felix and I' not 'me and Felix'.

>> You're correcting my grammar at a time like this.

Not even the real Hayley is that obtuse.

>> Obtuse? Ah ha ha.

That is not a Jake word.

>> I know, Herr Mueller used it in the last issue

of 'Fists of Flame'. >> Use it in a sentence.

>> "Captain Helsov, I find your pedantic loquaciousness obtuse."

>> Do you understand a word of that?

>> No. >> He's got you there.

>> Don't take his side. >> What's going on down there?

Put those blasters down.

It's only a few minutes before the monster destroys

whoever's in that cocoon. >> Jake is the monster.

>> No, I'm not. It's Hayley.

Stockley >> Hayley! Jake!

Stop fighting!

[blast, zing, zing]

[boom]

Stop it! Both of you.

***

I'm the monster.

Stockley >> Felix? What are you saying?

>> I'm saying I think it's me.

I'm the monster.

>> Oh, hello, Danielle, bad news.

Considering what happened at the front row of last years

carnival, your application for fire juggling club

has been denied.

I'll talk to you later, Mother Stockley.

>> How was that possible?

>> Well, I had my opportunities.

Here's what probably happened.

***

This way, old man.

***

We had a bit of a rough go, didn't we?

Hayley, let's take at look at that shoulder.

>> Ah, would you, Felix?

Oh, I'd be ever so grateful.

***

Ah, the pain is gone.

Oh, Felix, you truly are amazing.

>> You're awesome, buddy.

>> Rather. Remarkable, old man.

[Stockley chuckles] Felix >> Now, now.

Enough fooling about. You two run along and clear

cell QB-11 while I stay here and process the Versy.

Now, I'd like to get out of here at a reasonable hour

to see all my girlfriends. Jake >> Which ones, Felix?

Felix >> Oh, only the Frrrrrench ones.

>> Eh, parle Francais magnifique, Felix.

>> Ah, qui.

[giggles and laughs] Jake >> What a great guy!

[chuckles] >> Carry on, Stockley.

[Felix laughs]

***

[Versy giggles]

***

Well, well, well.

And then there were two...

>> May I just say what an honor it is

to have been captured by you.

>> My dear monster, this was a team effort.

Although I see you've gleaned from that much of work,

by necessity, sits on my broad shoulders.

>> I see. Is that the poisonous snake?

Felix >> What?

[Felix groans]

I'll get you for this, rapscallion!

Well...played...old chap.

>> You're completely deranged.

>> Nobody falls for those "look over there" trick.

>> It could happen. And it wasn't "look over there".

It was "poisonous snake."

>> Do you want to be the monster?

>> No, but I do want the respect of thinking that it's possible.

>> You've lost your mind. Hayley >> Which would help you,

wouldn't it, Jake?

If Felix lost his mind, one less Troop member to deal with

and you are closer to escaping.

Jake >> No, it wouldn't help me, Hayley.

I'm going to need Felix when it's finally time

to take you out.

>> You know what? This isn't solving anything.

Because while we're fighting, whoever's in that cocoon

is just that much closer to being eaten.

Jake >> We better figure this out because Phoebe's

looking for me right now. If she starts asking around,

we're all in trouble.

***

[smash]

>> Okay, let's say the monster shape-shifted into me

then started walking towards the cell

pretending to be me escorting the monster.

>> Dude, it's impossible. >> Dude, you just said "dude".

He just said "dude," I heard him.

>> Enough. I can't sit around here

waiting to be eaten anymore. >> Hayley!

What are you doing? Hayley >> I'm going to open

this thing and we're going to find out exactly who's in it.

Jake >> You heard what Mr. Stockley said.

If you hurt the cocoon, it could be fatal to whoever's inside.

>> Well, if we don't do something,

it could be too late for all of us.

[blaster powers up] >> Drop the blade, Hayley.

>> Drop the blaster, Jake.

>> Drop it. Both of you.

***

>> I don't know what she's doing, Felix,

but this is a trick.

The Versy is a very smart monster.

How's your shoulder, Hayley?

>> It's fine. >> It was the other shoulder.

>> No, was it?

Felix! Stop!

Look, he's just trying to confuse us, okay.

He's the monster. That's why he doesn't want us

to open up the cocoon. Blast him!

>> Don't listen to her. This isn't the Hayley we know.

>> I don't know, Jake. The Hayley we know

is pretty bossy. >> Felix,

don't you listen to him. >> You see.

***

[dryer whirs]

***

[beeps]

[rings]

>> Decide, Felix. >> I can't.

>> Well, you have to.

Whoever is in that cocoon is toast and we're next.

And that is not going to happen.

[ring tone of Phoebe) * I'm a dork, I'm a dork *

* I'm a dork, dork, dork * >> Jake's phone!

I knew it. >> You're the monster.

[deep voice] >> Just open the doors and let me out

or it's over for your friend. >> Can't do it.

>> Surrender and nobody will get hurt.

Stockley >> What's going on? Why are you pointing

the blasters. >> Jake is the monster.

>> Let me out and you'll get your human friend back!

>> Now see here, fellow, we don't negotiate with monsters.

You return to your cell immediately.

The doors remain closed. Period.

[growl]

[zap, boom]

[splat]

[Jake groans]

Felix >> Jake! Hayley >> Are you okay?

>> I'm fine, but the Versy's on the loose.

He shape-shifted to look just like me.

Hayley and Felix, check the cells.

New guy, you're with me.

Oh... [growl]

***

***

>> I can't tell who's the real Jake.

>> I have a six sense for these things.

[grunts]

I'm pretty sure that guy's the monster.

>> Freeze, both of you.

Take a step apart.

>> Now, I want you both to do that mirror bit

where one's the reflection of the other.

Hayley >> How is that going to help?

>> It's not. It's just really entertaining.

>> I'm Jake. >> I'm Jake.

>> Which is which? >> I don't know.

>> Shoot us both. >> That's crazy.

>> I'm serious. Him and me are too much alike.

You can replace me, but if this monster gets loose,

we haven't done our job.

[zap]

[groan]

>> How did you know?

>> He said "him and me." It should be "he and I."

I corrected him once before.

The real Jake would have known better than to make

the same mistake twice. >> Huh?

>> Right?

>> Ah, in the future, let's avoid shooting me

based on grammar.

>> So what happened? How did the Versy get you?

Jake >> Pretty easily.

>> Excuse me, is that a poisonous snake?

***

[groan] Jake >> No! No!

He just flat out attacked me

and sprayed this cocoon stuff in my face.

I got off a few good punches though.

They're a lot tougher than they look.

>> Well, it could have happened to anyone.

>> Exactly. >> I'm just glad you're okay.

[squish]

That was a mistake.

***

>> Well, I'm sorry I said all those mean things about you

while you were in the cocoon. >> No worries.

***

Wait, what mean things?