Original subtitles

Jake >> You're going to Sir Golf-A-Lots

with Felix tomorrow, right? Hayley >> Ah, I guess.

I'm pretty slammed, but I don't think I can keep saying no.

>> Me too. Sometimes I wish I was

Knight Shield from issue 189 so I could just shift time

and I've already done it. >> This is reality, okay?

Not some crazy comic book fantasy.

Now help me with the dimension mites so we can tear a hole

in the time/space fabric and return these monsters

back to their world.

[poof of air]

>> I would give you guys a hand until Felix shows,

but those monsters kind of gross me out.

>> This one's not so bad. >> Ooo, Festering Gorn.

It's constantly oozing and eating its own pus.

Fascinating cycle.

[shrieks and chirps]

>> I think I'm going to wait in the front seat.

Hayley >> If you do, be careful of that Flying Eye Slicer.

It keeps getting out of its cage.

>> I think I'm going to wait by this tree.

Jake >> So we spend all this time tracking monsters,

just to let them go? >> We don't let them go, Jake.

We're returning them back to their own dimensions.

Felix >> Sorry I'm late, guys.

I was hanging out with a friend and I forgot what time it was.

Jake >> You know, Felix, puppets and friends

aren't the same things. >> For your information, Jake,

I broke up with most of my puppets and when I said

'friend' I was referring to a human being this time.

Stockley >> Ohhh! >> What's wrong, Mr. Stockley?

Stockley >> I just saw a snake vomit up a rabbit.

Nature's disgusting.

I'm gonna wait over by this rock.

Hayley >> Well, grab a cage, Felix.

>> Should I take the Andrusian Snot slug

or the Scab-Crusted Gnarl? [Stockley groans]

The Gnarl.

[cases clank]

Hey, are you still up for some Sir Golf-A-Lots tomorrow night?

It's going to be a blast. The best giant pretzels ever...

>> Yeah, sure. We haven't just

hung out in a while. Hayley >> Sounds great.

***

[mites buzz]

***

>> I love this job!

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

>> Whoa, what's that?

>> It's a paper mache diorama of The Alamo.

It's exact. If you were four inches tall,

you'd think you were actually there. Ahh!

Jake >> Seems like a ton of work.

>> Well, the assignment was just to answer the questions

at the end of the chapter but I believe in 'show, don't tell.'

[plunk] Ahh! Watch it!

These are my sample invitations to Michelle's birthday party.

>> Texting is a lot easier. >> Sure, and why shower

if you're just going to get dirty again?

>> I know, right? >> Hey, guys.

Bad news, I'm not going to be able to...

>> You know what else saves time?

Not washing the dishes until you're ready to use them.

Then you only clean the ones you need.

>> Oh, shoot! This is your fault!

It's ruined! >> I didn't do it.

Besides, it looks kind of cool. Like graffiti.

>> There is no graffiti at the Alamo.

Felix >> Guys, this is important.

I can't go miniature golfing. I have a huge English paper due.

>> It's fine. I have to fix my Alamo anyway.

Argh!

Felix >> I'm sorry, Jake.

I know you were looking forward to a little Felix time.

You know, time to reconnect and really get to know each other.

>> No, this is great. See ya.

[cart rattles]

***

>> They just don't understand,

just how much work it takes.

[blaster whirs and fires]

>> What are you doing?

Hayley >> Oh, just starting over on my diorama.

[blast]

[weapon whirs to recharge]

>> You seem to be wound up a bit tight lately.

Sometimes you just need to relax, take a breath

and reflect on whether or not you're making the best choice.

>> Okay.

Yep. Best choice.

Ahem. [weapon charges]

>> Hayley, you've been running yourself ragged lately.

I am invoking Troop Order 172:

"Check yourself before you wreck yourself."

>> 'Chillax Proviso'?

Stockley >> You need to clear your head.

Go down to the boardwalk and watch some ships sail in.

Enjoy a fruit smoothie.

Ah ah!

Feed the ducks.

>> Okay.

Operation Disengage - engaged.

[sizzles]

[swords smack] [grunts]

[heavy breathing]

>> I had no idea there was a chapter of the Lakewood Society

for Medieval Knights at school.

I had to make my mom drive two hours

to find like-minded brethren.

[swords smack]

Gus >> Well drive no more, my friend.

For you have unearthed a club of two.

[clanks]

[heavy breaths]

>> Well, that's over double the membership of my usual clubs.

***

Ahhh! Jake >> Hayley.

Hayley >> This better be important, Jake.

I'm trying to relax here. Anastasia, could you turn that

30 minute massage into 15? Thanks.

Jake >> Hayley, Felix lied to us.

He doesn't have English paper. He's hanging out with Gus,

that kid who tried to destroy us.

>> Are you spying on him? >> No.

Well, yes.

I was riding home and then I heard sword-fighting.

>> Sorry, Jake, can't help ya. I'm on a 172.

>> Ooh, Stockley hit you with a 'Chillax Proviso'?

Harsh. >> I know, right?

I'm relaxing my head off.

Faster, Anastasia. Come on, faster!

Don't worry about Gus. We snarked him.

He won't remember a thing.

[grunts]

Jake >> Yeah, you're probably right.

Hayley >> Hm, maybe you're just a little bit jealous

that Felix ditched you to hang out with his new friend.

>> I'm not jealous. [watchcom beeps off]

Hayley? Hayley...?

[grunts]

[swords smack]

>> I spend so much time practicing with fake

light sabers, I forgot how to use fake swords.

***

>> Don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing well.

>> Thank you.

[groans and smacks of swords]

>> Or shall I say, "Well served!"

Join my fiefdom, Felix, and you and I shall be like brothers.

>> You honor me, Augustus.

>> I'm going to grab a water, you want one?

[Felix coughs] >> Yeah, thanks.

Hey, that was a really awesome move.

How did you do that? >> Oh, just keep practicing.

You'll get the hang of it.

Hey, ah, are you sure your friends weren't mad

about you bailing on miniature golf?

Felix >> Nah. No one seemed to care.

Actually, they seemed kind of relieved.

They're kind of busy with their own stuff.

>> Well, friend, I promise you,

I will always make time for a fellow knight.

>> Tally ho!

>> Whoa, that's 19th century fox hunting.

>> Zounds? >> There you go!

Felix >> Could you open this for me, please?

Gus >> Right.

***

[computer beeps]

[door opening]

Stockley >> What are you doing here?

>> All done.

I've finished mine, this one's for you.

Went to the boardwalk. Check.

Saw eight ships come in: five pleasure crafts,

two commercial fishing vessels and one of Liberian registry.

Check. Fed the ducks.

Oh, here. [quacks]

I found this monster hiding among the ducks.

I'll lock it up in a minute. [quacks]

>> I believe this may be a real duck.

Albeit with some molting problems.

You need to relax.

>> I did every stinking thing on this list.

That must mean I'm relaxed, right?

>> Stressed out people have a tendency to make mistakes.

>> That's ridiculous. I don't make mistakes.

[quacks]

>> You're taking the day off tomorrow.

No school, no Troop, no nothing.

You have to completely veg out or I'm taking your badge.

>> This is so unfair, Mr. Stockley.

Stockley >> It's for your own good.

Life is filled with hardships.

Thanks for the smoothie!

Mmm, papaya.

[quack]

[murmur of students]

[Felix gasps]

>> Hey, Jake. >> So, how did your paper go?

>> Paper? Oh, yeah, the big paper.

Great, I was working on it until late last night.

Ha ha. >> Huh?

What's it about? >> The paper?

Ah, it was about the Vikings and their relation to...

the nucleus in Dickens. I gotta go turn it in now.

[Jake snickers]

>> You're lying.

I saw you with Gus yesterday. >> He goes by Augustus.

Am I not allowed to have other friends?

>> Friends that try to exterminate us?

Felix >> He was under the influence of another monster

and we had to snark him back to normal.

He didn't even know he did it.

He's really a nice guy once you get to know him.

>> I'm just saying, we saw his true colors - be careful.

>> I know what this is. Say no more.

I already put you up for membership in the Lakewood

Society for Medieval Knights. Good news is,

I'm vice president.

[school bell rings]

>> Thanks.

[security system beeps]

Stockley >> Freeze! Jake >> Whoa!

>> Sorry. >> What happened?

>> Someone broke in. >> Is anything missing?

>> Just one thing, the dimension mites.

Someone's planning on bringing over some monsters.

***

***

>> Whoever broke in bypassed all security measures.

Security cameras are down. Key card access codes

are scrambled. >> Can you fix it?

>> I think so. It'll take some time.

I'm most worried about those missing dimension mites though.

>> Me too. Now they can bring over monsters

from the other world anytime they want.

>> Exactly. Take us to MonsterCon Two.

I've got to contact International.

[computer beeps]

[clicks on keyboard]

>> Have you seen Felix today? >> Not yet.

[computer beeps] >> What's going on, guys?

I was in the middle of redecorating my room.

What do you think? And monitoring TroopGrid

and I noticed that we just moved up to MonsterCon Two.

>> Didn't I tell you to stay home and relax?

>> Monsters relax me! Stockley >> Get into that

relaxation kit that I gave you. That's an order.

>> Ahh... [computer beeps off]

>> Wait a minute, she gets out of school?

That's not right. I feel I'm being unfairly

punished for not taking my school work seriously.

[school bell rings]

I don't even know what that means.

>> Get to class, Jake.

We can't do anything until I repair the files.

>> There's something I can do.

[sigh]

[sniff] >> Tried it.

Done it.

Want it.

All right.

"Find Your Happy Place with Mr. Stockley."

All right, Mr. Stockley...

see what you can do. Stockley's voice >> If you

are listening to this, you need to...relax.

So get comfortable on the floor.

Put you feet up and lie back on a pillow.

And now, just listen to the soothing sounds of the ocean.

Whisssh!

Whooosh!

[Stockley making seagull calls]

***

>> Why don't you hang back?

>> My, my next class is at the other end of the school.

I don't want to be late. >> Give 'em to me.

>> What are you talking about? >> You know

what I'm talking about. Give them to me, Gus.

>> It's Augustus.

Okay. Fine.

I didn't think anyone would notice.

I paid for one bag and when two fell out of the vending machine,

I though, "Hey, free chips."

>> You know that's not what I'm talking about.

>> If you're going to de-pants me, just go ahead and do it.

I'm used to bullies like you. Felix >> Hey, Jake.

What are you doing?

>> Just trying to get back something your friend here

stole from headquarters. Gus >> What could you steal

from Mime headquarters? Invisible rope and boxes?

[Felix laughs]

>> Oh, come on. He got you, Jake.

Let me talk to him for a minute.

>> Careful with this one, Felix. He's not Knight Society quality.

>> Felix, Gus has been using you.

Don't you think it's weird that right after the two of you

started hanging out someone broke into headquarters?

>> It wasn't him. I know it.

>> Why? Because he's pretending to be your friend.

Well...

>> Why does he have to be pretending?

>> You know... Felix >> Oh, I see.

Nobody wants to be my friend.

>> That's not what I meant.

I'm sorry!

*** >> Keep your head between

your upper arms and don't let it hang.

Now, hold this position for five more minutes.

*** And breathe...

>> You have got to be kidding me.

Stockley >> You're probably out there right now saying

"You have got to be kidding me."

[heavy breaths] I need something boring.

Girl on TV >> Howard, I like, totally love you.

>> Ah, perfect.

Boy on TV >> I love you too, dude.

It's like we're destined for each other in junk, I mean,

I totally want to get with you.

Girl on TV >> I know. I know.

But what about Steve? He's only your best bro'.

>> Ah, your best bro'. Bro' code, uh-uh.

***

Gus >> Trust and openness, that's always been my motto.

That and never shop for groceries when you're hungry.

But mostly, trust and openness.

Unfortunately, not everyone agrees.

>> Exactly. I apologize for Jake.

He might be a little jealous.

He's really usually a good...

...guy.

>> Well, I will say this, [door slams]

he is brighter than he looks.

***

Cause he's right. [mites buzz]

>> This room. Look how you live.

You've gone mad. >> Mad!

Oh, perhaps, yeah.

But I also have a terrible maid. She worked in the family

forever but it's been coasting for years.

>> Augustus, you don't know what you have there.

Those are very dangerous.

>> Oh, I'm well aware of what they do.

Felix >> If you open that lid, I am totally quitting your chapter

of the Lakewood Society for Medieval Knights!

[zaps] [whoosh]

Gus >> The Troop fails to comprehend their full potential.

Why use the mites to send back monsters,

when it's so much more fun...

[growl]

...to bring monsters over here?

[Felix screams] [zaps]

***

One down. Two to go.

[whistles]

***

Jake >> Hey, Phoebe. >> Dinner's almost ready.

Mom wants to know if your friend's staying.

>> Who, Felix? >> I didn't see him.

He's hanging out in your room. >> Thanks, Phoebe.

Felix, I'm so sorry about what I...said.

What are you doing here?

>> You should never apologies, Jake.

[zaps] [whoosh]

It's a sign of weakness.

[growl]

***

[snarl]

>> Well, I don't understand how Gus got the key card.

Felix >> I think I might have an idea.

I'm really sorry about this, guys.

Lucky for us, Augustus doesn't know his monsters.

The creature he pulled was actually a Huggie Bear.

It loves to tickle. I actually almost peed myself.

Any word from Jake? >> Not yet.

***

Girl on TV >> How can I even trust you, Howard?

You're hitting on my sister. >> It's not his fault!

Your sister's totally gross! [watchcom beeps]

Felix >> Hayley, I'm on my way to Jake's house.

Meet me there now! Girl on TV >> I've made

my decision, the guy I'm taking to the prom is...

Felix >> Hayley, I need you to go to Jake's house immediately.

>> Fine!

I can't even watch a soap opera.

That's my life for you.

[crash]

[snarls]

Gus >> You don't understand

the power that you have.

[snarl]

We can use the monsters to control the world!

>> You think you can control them?

>> Enough to destroy you.

[snarls]

[Jake gasps] [monster snarls]

[snap, snap, snap]

[rustle at door]

Gus >> Wait, you're alive! >> Glad to disappoint you.

[snarls]

[crunching] [shrieks]

***

[whoosh]

[monster snarls]

***

[thump] [monster screams]

[whoosh]

>> No!

You've ruined everything!

>> You've done that to yourself, Gus.

>> It's Augustus!

How many times do I have to tell you that?

>> Make it easier on yourself and put the club down.

Gus >> Oh, go ahead. Snark me.

It won't matter. I've let myself notes

and video messages all reminding me

of what you people do.

All instructing me to destroy you.

***

>> He always talked too much. >> How did you do that?

>> I kept practicing. [smack]

>> You've got to teach me that move.

>> Eee...

***

>> So, I see that stuff I sent over

really helped you to relax, huh?

>> Actually, I think it was taking down the monsters

that did the trick. That other stuff,

ha, that was the real stresser. >> Ha ha, right.

Felix, don't forget to change the key card

encryption codes too, okay? >> Already done.

>> Really? >> I thought if we got out early

we could catch a movie or something.

>> I'd love to.

>> So, Mr. Stockley, whatever happened to Gus?

>> Well, due to the sensitive nature of his infiltration into

The Troop, International had to step in and...clear things up.

>> How'd they do that?

>> They have their ways.

>> I'm telling the truth. There really are monsters.

It's just no one ever knows because of The Troop.

They hide the monsters everywhere.

The Troop is real!

The monsters are real!

I've seen them.

I've seen them before.

I can control them. I can control them!

They can be our friends!

They can help control the world!