Original subtitles

[sound of running, panting]

* [Christmas music] *

[laughter]

>> It's been said that my best quality is my sense of humour.

>> Uh-uh. I've been watching how you act

at school and your best quality is that you're all man,

head to toe, stem to stern.

>> Aw...

[panting]

I wish this date didn't have to end, but Christmas Eve

is tomorrow and I guess you'll be spending it with your family.

>> Ah, I don't have any family left.

We McCarthy's have had a run of bad luck,

avalanches, stampedes and, recently, attacked by sharks...?

But Nana Esther went down fighting.

>> Wow, that's really good to hear...

I mean, because maybe you'd want to spend Christmas Eve with me.

>> Let's.

***

>> AHHH! [pow!]

[tires screech]

AHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH!

>> It's okay, Stockley. It was just a scarecrow.

AHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH!

>> Snap out of it! It was just a stupid scarecrow.

It's all right.

Ah...AHHH! AHHH!

AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!

>> Forget it. I'm calling a cab.

[Stockley continues screaming]

[squish]

***

***

Ohhh...ahhh...

Oh.

Linda!

Come back!

I'm all man again.

Linda!

***

***

***

***

***

***

Jake >> Aw, Phoebe, an early Christmas present?

You shouldn't have. But since you did...

>> Uh-uh. Here's the deal, Jake.

One of these Christmas presents is amazing,

and one of them stinks. >> They'll average each

other out. >> Which one you get depends

on what you give me tomorrow for Christmas.

Hint: It better be an Ickie Doll.

>> A who? >> A red Ickie Doll.

I've told you a million times. >> Oh yeah, right.

I got you one, don't worry. It's taken care of.

>> Really? You got me an Ickie Doll?

Jake >> Um-hum. >> A real Ickie Doll?

That's so great!

Because they've been sold out everywhere for weeks.

And if you had to actually get one now,

it would require a huge effort on your part.

>> Effort. Ouch.

So, what's the good present exactly?

[slap] >> It depends.

If you get me the red Ickie Doll, shown here,

your present is something I spent months collecting

special codes to get. But if you do what you did

last year and re-gift a pair of sock from Grandma...

>> Special codes? You got me the Super

GameStation Seven? >> I've already said too much.

I swear, Jake, you better have gotten me an Ickie Doll.

And if you haven't, you'll get the bad gift and it won't be

returnable and I'll cry to Mom and Dad until they make you

wear it in public. And if you think I'm kidding,

try me. >> Gotta go.

Merry Christmas.

>> Boys are so easily trained.

>> [voice cracks] Hi, Linda.

[deep voice] Hey, baby.

[dialing beeps]

[phone rings]

Linda [on answering machine] >> If you're a real man,

leave your message at the tone. If you're a screaming Mimi,

don't even bother.

[beep]

* [Christmas music] *

[door rattles]

>> They open in five minutes.

What are you doing here? >> Ickie Doll, for Phoebe.

Hayley >> Okay, me too. My mom collects them.

I tried to buy one last week. They sold out in less

than 10 minutes. Jake >> Are you kidding me?

What do these things do? Play music? Fly?

>> Not everything has to be electronic to be cool, Jake.

>> [coughs] Wrong. >> Ickie Dolls, it's all

about the experience. You get to adopt them,

name them. They even have a pen-pal

program where your Ickie Doll can write to other

Ickie Dolls in other countries.

Hey, where is everybody?

Jake >> "In order to protect the safety of our store

employees, we have decided to sell the Ickie Dolls

straight from the truck. Good luck, Merry Christmas

and please donate to the Jim Needs A New Eye Fund."

***

[shouting crowd]

>> This is a disaster.

Jim >> Okay, people, calm down, okay?

Just calm down. Pushing and shoving

seems like a fun idea until someone loses an eye.

And it's not just an expression, hmm?

>> Let's make a pact.

Whoever gets to the front of the line first, buys two.

>> Deal. >> Come get your Ickie Dolls!

Let's do this!

[crowd cheers]

>> Excuse me. Excuse...excuse...

Pardon me. Jim >> There you go.

There you go. Jake >> Excuse me.

[whack] Oomph! Ahh...

[crowd cheers and shouts]

***

Jim >> I'm sorry, but we are out of Ickie Dolls.

Okay, I'm sorry. It's not my fault.

I just want to go back to my family.

Easy, little one. Easy, easy.

Back off! Let go!

>> Ah-ha, awesome. Where's mine?

>> Sorry, Hayley, this was the last one.

I know how much you really want this for your mom, so...

if you ever want to talk about your feelings of not getting it,

I'm here for you.

Hee hee hee!

>> I'm just saying, keeping the doll wasn't very

Christmassy of you. >> It's totally Christmas...

very Scrooge. It's like your mom's getting

a visit from the ghost of You're An Adult And Wasting

Your Life With Stupid Dolls.

Whoa! Felix, what did you do?

>> Felix Navidad! Welcome, to the annual live

webcast of the Felix Garcia Christmas Spectacular,

starting in only six hours. Can you believe it's my

sixth year singing Christmas carols to puppets?

>> Yes. Yes, I can.

Felix >> And this year I added a little something something.

A big Christmas song medley on the accordion.

Is that awesome or what? Check out my special guest.

[click] Robot voice >> Ho ho ho!

>> Santa. Robot >> Move to the center

of the room and prepare to be searched.

[whack whack] Felix >> Sorry, he's a modified

guard-bot. I've still got some

bugs to work out. >> If you're using

the guard-bot, who's guarding the monsters?

>> That's what the Gleegor's for.

[gurgles]

When there's trouble, he emits an noxious smell.

[Jake sniffs] >> I think there's trouble.

>> A different noxious smell.

>> Well, I'm going to go wrap this thing.

Merry Christmas. Hee hee hee.

Stockley >> Looking good, Felix. >> Oh, thanks, Mr. Stockley.

This year's going to be a great show.

You're watching, right? >> Well, I, uh...

was hoping to get a second date with Linda,

to tell you the truth. Felix >> Why don't you guys

watch it together.

>> Yes.

Hayley >> Oh, Mr. Stockley, I found this residue

on a truck at Maxi-Mart. Stockley >> Oh, that looks bad.

I'll run it through the master spectrometer.

Robot >> Freeze! On your knees now, buddy.

Remove all weapons from your shopping cart at once.

Ho, ho, ho!

>> Let me ask you, what do women like better,

chocolates or flowers? >> Depends on what you're

trying to communicate. Are you trying to say,

"I'm fun and playful", or are you trying

to say, "I love you."

>> I'm trying to say, "I'm sorry I screamed like a little

girl in front of you but would you give me second chance

or at least stop hanging up on me."

>> Ouch. Okay, uh...

flowers, chocolates and most likely a trip,

maybe a cruise to Mexico. >> Hm.

Hayley >> But mostly, I think you need to get

your confidence back. That's what women

really like anyway. Felix >> So true.

They like a guy who takes charge.

Hayley, screw driver, now! Never mind, I'll get it myself.

[clunk]

>> Interesting.

Well, it looks like the spore sample that you collected comes

from a Vapor monster, a green, parasitic fog that takes over

an inanimate host and brings it to life when the sun goes down.

>> Oh, no. [finger snap] >> That must be

how that scarecrow ran in front of my car.

That's what ruined my date with Linda.

Felix >> I thought your crying ruined your date?

Stockley >> I was not crying!

I was screaming like a little girl.

Hayley >> Jewelry... and a day at the spa.

Felix >> So, what was in the truck?

>> Ickie Dolls.

>> Hayley, what are you doing here?

>> This doll is infected by a Vapor monster.

>> It took me forever to wrap that.

>> No kidding. This doll could hurt you.

Or worse...Phoebe! I have to take it

back to headquarters for testing.

>> Oh ho ho, yeah, nice try. We both know the doll

isn't gonna... [swoosh!]

[snarls]

>> Ah! Whoa! Oh no!

Jake >> AHHH! AHHH!

AHHH... GET IT OFF ME!

AHHH! AHHH! AHHHH! HELP!

[Jake screams]

>> OW! AHHHH!

AHHHH! [wham!]

[Jake groans, doll gurgles]

[whack, crash!]

[Jake pants]

[doll snarls]

[doll gurgles]

Phoebe >> What's all the noise about?

[thumps on can]

My present!

Did you bite him? >> No.

Phoebe >> You bit my brother to try to steal my

super cool gift, the one year that he actually tried...

>> I didn't bite him. We were...

making out. Ha.

>> You think I'm an idiot? >> It's not that crazy.

Phoebe >> Whatever, play your little game,

but I'm watching you.

***

[doll rattles in can]

[doll screeches] [rattle increases]

>> So, Santa, tell me,

what's it like travelling at near light speed?

Robot >> Well, Felix, it's... [splat]

[fizzles]

Halt! You have an unauthorized ginger bread!

You must unload your weapon immediately!

>> Great, great story, Santa. [zap!] Ahhh!

Robot >> This is your final warning!

>> Let's go to the phones. [thud]

[thumps in can]

Jake >> What are we going to do with this thing?

>> Here, here, here. I'll take it.

Okay, I'm going to put this in lockdown.

And you check... [thumps in can]

You check TroopGrid for the adoption registry that way

we will know everyone who got a doll off the truck today.

Okay? Okay.

[can thumps]

[doll screeches] [can thumps]

[computer beeps]

[clatter of can] [doll grumbles]

[computer beeps]

Hayley >> Uh! [doll snarls]

[printer whirs]

[sigh]

>> That is a massive list. [beeps]

Hayley >> Well, yeah, but we don't know how many

of the dolls are infected. With luck, it'll only

be one or two. >> And with no luck?

>> Don't think like that, it's Christmas.

Stockley >> Hey, guys. Jake >> We're going to

round up some Ickie Dolls. >> And I need a little privacy.

I'm going to call Linda again. >> I'd rather be us.

***

[dialing beeps]

>> Hello, Linda.

[doll snarls]

AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!

AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!

[murmur of students]

Linda! You're looking particularly

lovely today.

>> Thank you. Excuse me.

Stockley >> Uh...before you go,

I wanted to say something to you.

>> I'm listening.

>> Well I could say that last night was not the real me

and that, well, I've had a phobia of scarecrows since

this horrible Wizard of Oz themed birthday party.

And I could say that I'm a brave man.

But I'm hoping that you'll agree that just talking to you

after what was the most embarrassing date of my life,

if proof of my courage

and I think you should give me another chance.

>> I guess, it does take some guts to show your face

after that scream fest on the highway.

>> You don't know, girl. >> All right, let's vanquish

this together and then see how that goes.

>> I'd like that.

[school bell rings] After you.

>> So, what happened to you anyway?

>> I had a fight with a doll.

***

[paper rustles] [doll gurgles]

[loud rustling] [doll snarls]

Jake >> Ah! Ah! Ah! [doll shrieks]

[muffled shrieks] Whew!

Stevie >> You're not Santa.

>> Ah, no no no. We're here to help Santa.

>> You're stealing my toys! Hayley >> No one

is stealing anything. >> I'm going to tell on you.

>> No one likes a tattle tale!

And you are just a heart beat away

from being put on the 'naughty' list.

[doll grumbles]

>> I won't tell! I won't tell!

[doll snarls]

>> Watch out! [doll shrieks]

>> You're fine. Everything is going

to be just fine. >> Why are you fighting my toys?

>> We're not fighting your toys.

Jake and I are two of Santa's elves.

>> Kinda big, aren't ya? >> You want to hear the rest

of this or not, kid? >> Fine.

>> You see, Santa sent us especially to your house

to make sure your toys are just perfect.

Jake >> Just...60... more...to go.

Mother >> Stevie! What are you doing down there?

Better not be opening presents.

Stevie >> I'm just talking to Santa's elves!

Mother >> I swear, if I have to come down there.

Stevie >> Okay, Mom, I'm going back to bed.

She's not coming down. >> If you don't do

as your mother says, me, and a bunch of other elves

are going to come back to your room at night

and replace all your toys with books.

>> Eep! [boy sobs]

[CRASH!] [burst of accordion sound]

[doll sighs]

Hayley >> Here!

Well, wait! How'd you do that?

>> The accordion must calm them or something.

>> Can you play? >> No, but I know

somebody who does.

* And that's how Christmas came to Portugaaaa... *

[takes a breath] * ...aaaal. *

[claps] So fun.

No idea if it's true. [phone rings]

Excellent, our first caller. Felix Noel!

Jake >> We have an emergency, Felix.

We need you and your accordion.

[chuckle]

>> I can't leave now. I'm about to tell the story

of the first Christmas Special. >> You have to come.

The Ickie Dolls have turned vicious, but accordion music

subdues them. >> But my fans,

they'll be crushed. Jake >> Felix!

There were a hundred dolls in that truck today.

It's about to get very ugly. >> Fine!

I'll be there.

* [accordion - Oh, Holy Night] *

* [accordion - Oh, Holy Night] *

[dolls murmur] [accordion plays]

>> My mom always told me playing an accordion

leads to greatness. I can't wait to tell her

about this... and then Snark her.

>> Well, you saved Christmas, Felix.

>> Yeah, good choice of instrument.

It really attracts evil like nothing else.

Stockley >> Hey, you guys okay? You need some help?

Please say no. I got a big date

to get ready for tomorrow. I've already got the corn chips

and egg nog. Jake >> Mr. Stockley,

we saved Christmas. [ping!] >> Oh!

[music ends]

[dolls gurgle and chirp]

>> Oh, here...

[dolls snarl]

Plug it in already! Hayley >> I'm trying!

[crashes]

[doll shriek]

>> AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!

Felix >> White with white, red with red.

[Stockley screams] [dolls snarl]

[speaker hums] >> Whew.

Felix >> Try to work as a team here, huh?

* [accordion music] *

Jake >> Let's get these things back to HQ.

>> Yeah, I would hate for Felix to have canceled

his Christmas Spectacular webcast show for nothing.

>> Oh, it's not canceled.

* ...In sin and error pining *

* 'Til He appear'd *

* And the soul felt its worth *

* A thrill of hope *

* The weary world rejoices *

* [accordion] * * For yonder breaks *

* a new and glorious morn *

* Fall on your knees.... *

[door slams] Hayley >> Felix, you did it!

Jake >> Yeah, that was great. Maybe next year

you'll learn a second song.

[keypad beeps]

[fizzle]

* [carol singing] *

Felix >> Oh, and Christmas is saved!

Hayley >> Nothing is saved until we rewrap

and return all these Ickies to their rightful owners.

>> Are you kidding? The sun comes up

in less than two hours. >> I hope you're a fast wrapper.

Felix >> Wait, you can't go out looking like that.

[rustling]

***

Ho ho ho! It's my Santa impression.

Phoebe >> Jake! Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you! I love my new Ickie Doll.

>> Hey. Phoebe >> You even dressed up

as Santa! You're the best brother ever.

For once, you deserve the good gift.

***

>> Socks! [fingers snap]

>> I must have given Dad the GameStation by mistake.

Dad >> Whoa! This game rocks!

Thanks, Phoebe!

[horn blares]

>> Merry Christmas. >> Merry Christmas to you.

I got you something. >> Aw, you shouldn't have.

>> Just open it.

>> AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!

>> Don't call me.

[screams continue]

[distant screams]