Original subtitles

Frank C'mon, c'mon! Run after it, you lazy bum.

Whatta ya doin'?

Stupid blockheads, you had this game.

Janitorial. No, Principal Nuss,

that spill's gonna take a few more hours to clean up.

Hey, I'm really sorry about all this extra overtime

I'm racking up, but believe me I'm working my butt off.

Okay.

Ah, come on!

Come on!

Ahh!

Ahhhh!

and I found out that Vincentio is younger than Kyle

who plays his own son. Ha ha ha.

But, that's the magic of theatre.

As you'll see, assuming you've purchased your tickets

to my show tomorrow. And if you haven't,

as the star of the show, I have set tickets aside.

Darn. Jake Pay up, dude.

Seven minutes, forty-three seconds.

Told you she couldn't go ten minutes without saying

she was the "star of the school play".

Hayley This play is really important to me.

One of the biggest nights of my life and you're betting on is

disrespectful and unsupportive. Stockley People, we still

have a monster running around Lakewood High.

Let's stay focused on what's important.

Jake I've got it! I'll ask Claudia to go

to the school play with me. Darn!

Hayley Nine minutes, twenty-two seconds.

Pay up. Dude, I can't believe

you guys were betting on me. Felix Seriously?

You've spent the past five days talking about how you're going

to ask this girl out and you never do.

Hayley Yeah, it's kind of annoying.

Or, as my character in the 'Taming of The Shrew'

by William Shakespeare would say, "most vexing."

Dude, I've been into Claudia Forlani since kindergarten.

Why don't you just ask her out, already?

I did. In the first grade.

But I had a booger on my chin and she said no.

To this day, I claim that wasn't mine.

And ever since then she's always had a boyfriend.

She's available now but when she gets her braces off next week,

she's senior bait for sure.

You know when she's getting her braces off?

I overheard her talking to her friends

when I happened to be hiding in the bushes.

We've all been there, right? Felix Eh, uh, eep.

Okay, people. Don't be late for homeroom,

we'll clean this up later.

I'll tell maintenance that the toilets are flooding here.

That usually keeps them away for hours.

In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be in the cafeteria

waiting on the lemon squares. Ah ha ha!

Lemon squares!

Thirteen minutes and seven seconds.

He actually made it past ten minutes.

Pay up, losers. Oh, thank you.

Hey, Claudia. Hi, Jake.

I need to ask you something. Go ahead.

Jake Okay.

Can I ask you something at lunch?

You're asking me now if you can ask me something at lunch?

I guess. Well, okay.

Yes!

Hayley Hey, Etienne.

Why weren't you at rehearsal yesterday?

The only moments in that play worth rehearsing is our kiss.

Which I willing to rehearse anytime.

You are totally gross.

Okay, I don't get many kisses in regular life but I've managed

to get a kiss is every single play I've ever been in.

Kind of my thing. When I was Tony, I kissed Maria.

When I was Captain Von Trapp, I kissed Maria.

And it wasn't easy, but I managed to work a kiss

into 'Twelve Angry Men'.

And now fate has chosen you, Hayley, to be my next kiss.

Catch you at rehearsal.

Felix I've narrowed it down to three suspects:

an Australian Elephant Bat, a Gelatinous Cube Monster,

or a Slithering Fanged Bantoo.

Most other monsters would eat their cloths and boots.

Dude, just point me to the monster and I'll take it down.

Puh-lease, I made the last three captures this month.

Which is pretty good considering how much rehearsal I've had.

Jake Since you're such a good actor,

can you act like someone who's not so impressed with herself!

Hayley Oh, I am so sick of you...

Hey guys, I think... Hold on, Felix.

Hayley was just about to bore us with more theatre talk.

Felix But... No! I totally want to hear

more about the fascinating saga of your booger-crossed love

of Claudia Forlani! Seriously...

For your information, I asked her IF I could ask her...

Felix Guys! It's a Cube Monster!

Right, right there! Run!

Felix No!

Ohh!

Ahh!

Felix You all right? Hayley, are you hurt?

Huh? Why you calling me Hayley?

I'm Jake.

Why did the monster paint my finger nails?

Ha ha. Hey...

why do I smell so good?

If you're Jake, then...

Hayley? Is that you?

Like who else would it be?

of water, and as we all know, salt is a natural enemy

to any water-based life forms...

Enough!

All this bickering is putting me off my lemon square.

Oh, who am I kidding? Lemon square,

I can not resist you.

I think I surprised the Cube before it digested Jake

and Hayley, and when it spit them back out,

it somehow switched their personalities.

Let me print out everything we've got on gelatinous cubes.

Felix Mr...ah.

"Gelatinous Cube Monster - Cube-shape,

consistency of gelatin."

That's it? I know,

what an opportunity to fill in the gaps of our knowledge.

Let's talk about what everyone is really thinking.

How are we ever going to figure out a way to switch back

before my date to ask Claudia out on a date?

Hayley I was thinking more about how I can change back

before you ruin my play.

I can't believe you people can be so myopic when there are

such beautiful lemon squares sitting right in front of you.

Ahh.

The Cube isn't something

we've seen much for the last 500 years.

Maybe there's something about were fighting in there.

The Grimoire. This is the best day of my life.

Hayley I've never been so sweaty.

Do boys always sweat like this? Jake You're complaining.

I've got these weird straps digging in me,

things stabbing my ears, and how tight do you need your jeans?

Stockley Settle down.

Now if you want to have chance of switching back,

we have to figure out how to bring the Cube back to help.

Maybe we should find out what it wants to eat for lunch.

Jake Lunch. Oh, no.

I was suppose to meet Claudia. I can't stand her up.

Hayley, you've gotta go for me.

Like that's gonna happen. Whatevs.

Dude, please, you've got to.

Claudia's not even my type.

You want to play hardball?

Two words: Hayley gets a buzz cut.

Coming!

Hi, Jake. Hi, Claudia.

Wait, did you change your part? Yeah, I did.

You're the first boy who's noticed.

You, ah, like it?

Yeah, it really frames your face well.

Yeah, it makes your face look really...

round.

Ah, thanks, Hayley.

So, you wanted to ask me something?

Yeah, let me just tell you, I've had a crush on you forever

and I've been too nervous to approach you.

I can't believe you'd admit something like that...to her.

Hayley I was thinking that you totally deserve a guy

that would listen to you and do things that you'd want to do,

whether it's shopping or eating popcorn and talking.

I was just thinking the same thing.

Would you like to go with me to Hayley's play tomorrow night?

I'd love to. Score!

Well, pick me up around six? Both Great!

Jake Dude, thank you so much. That was like totally perfect.

Hayley How's the Cube? Not great.

I tried to feed it chicken soup.

And if you thought Cubes couldn't barf, you'd be wrong.

Jake You'd better fix it, all right.

I have a date with Claudia tomorrow and I'd like to have it

in my own body. I'm trying.

I'm keeping the Cube under a large blanket shielding it

from the light and keep it calm. Right now

it's resting comfortably. Jake I wish I could.

Just keep a low profile until I figure something out.

Hayley No problem. Jake No one will ever know.

We'll start rehearsal with the Baptista and Petruchio scene

and keep going through the big kiss between Kate and Petruchio.

Ooo, the big kiss.

Sorry for the girl who has to kiss that.

Mr. Maltby Kate, take the stage.

Padua awaits! Jake Yeah, come on, Kate.

Ha ha ha....

I'm Kate, aren't I?

Oh, cinnamon or wintergreen?

I usually let the girl choose. Oh, and just so you know,

I brushed my tongue this morning too.

No way, I am not kissing Etienne Leibowitz.

Hey, are you any closer to switching us back?

Made a breakthrough. Read this.

"Se taefl incofa sy se awesoung of gast."

Isn't it great? Can't you see

why I'm so excited? Tell me what I just said.

"The heart of the Cube is man's essence."

It eats essence.

In ancient times, people believed there were four

basic elements: fire, wind, water, earth.

One of these can make the Cube better and it will have power

to switch you guys back. I'd feel a lot more confident

if you weren't using a squirt gun.

Just look at is as a squirt instrument of science.

What's that? Hayley It's a pop quiz

I totally aced for you. Your classes are so easy.

And, you just made J.V. basketball,

then signed up for community service at the senior centre.

It's so nice to be someone with so much room for improvement.

Don't get used to it. Felix is going to switch

us back any minute. Hayley Really?

But, Cuddy's gotta finish teaching me

how to burp the alphabet. I'm up to the letter 'H'.

And, I found out how to make a rat rail really sting.

The trick is you have to... Felix Dip it in water!

Of course, if you're me, you just hope it's water

from the tank not the bowl.

Why aren't you at rehearsal?

Jake Ah, I couldn't finish rehearsal.

I was feeling sick. I almost hurled.

You left? I'm the lead!

There's no play without me. You should have told me I had

to kiss that dude, Etienne. Not cool, Hayley.

Hayley You won't kiss a guy for the sake of art but

you expect me to take Claudia 'brace-face' Forlani on a date.

How is that fair? I'm canceling it.

If you ever call her brace-face again,

I will punch me right in the nose.

Guys! Guys! Both What?

The Cube! The water's working.

I'm a genius. At this rate, we can make

the switch by morning. Why don't you guys head home

and get some rest. I'll stay here with the Cube.

Jake And this one? Is this the one you sleep on?

Hayley No, it's a toss pillow.

It's also decorative.

Jake, do we really have to do this?

I'm just fascinated. Your bed is a sea of pillows:

accent pillows, toss pillows,

throw pillows, novelty pillows.

Where is the pillow you sleep on?

In the closet. You're insane.

Me? At least I have a room fit for like, humans.

Do you have any idea how long it took me to clean

this place up to disgusting? What?

I told you not to touch anything.

Calm down. I just tidied up a bit.

I took all your dirty cloths and put them in one pile.

Ew, by the way.

And I found some comic book you drew,

"Knight Shield and Honey Ricochet."

Gee, Honey Ricochet looks familiar.

Honey Ricochet is like so much taller than you.

Hayley And, I repaired you little stuffed bunny.

You're welcome.

Mr. Tuttles is not a bunny. He's a beaver,

which is the most masculine of all the woodland creatures.

I can't believe you gave Mr. Tuttles bunny ears.

He looks ridiculous.

Well, I think he looks super cute.

Jake Lose the ears or the pillow gets it.

Do it and die, Collins.

Ooo, look what's behind this pillow.

A diary?

Check and mate.

One minute.

I just don't get it. It's not getting any better.

Well something must have been lost in the translation.

What else could the "essence of humanity" mean?

I'll tell you what it doesn't mean:

fire, earth, wind, water,

licorice, nail cuttings, paint thinners...

I'm in an awkward position over here.

Hayley Awkward position? Last night, I slept on

a skateboard and an amplifier because Jake's bed smelled

like beef jerky. And in a half hour,

I'm going to have to watch him mangle my stage debut.

Have a little more faith in Jake.

He knows how important this is. He won't embarrass you.

Oh, dear.

Hayley Oh, I thought I told you at lunch to change.

Nothing would have made me happier.

I didn't have any cloths to change into.

You're ruining my reputation. And I bet you haven't memorized

any of my lines. Shows what you know.

I memorized an entire page.

And look, I have the rest written here.

It's okay. Through in a few 'doths' here,

a few 'forsooths' there.

We'll all be good. Hayley No, we're not good.

You're humiliating me while I'm doing everything I can

to make you better. I hemmed your jeans correctly

and you no longer smell like cheese curls.

I like smelling like cheese curls.

And you know what else, I'm getting just a little bit sick

of you judging me like this. I'm not judging you.

Jake Yeah, you are. Why else would you

be signing me up for all these things, huh?

Because you don't think I'm good.

Hayley We'll you're certainly not doing a great job as me.

Did you even bother to look in the mirror this morning?

How could I not, huh?

You've only got like 5,000 mirrors in your room.

Hayley That's it! I'm not going out with Claudia.

You wouldn't dare. Wouldn't I?

Jake Then I guess you're understudy

will be doing the show. You're going to make me cry.

Human essence!

I figured it out. It feeds on intense emotion

such as a joyous laughter, wrenching sorrow, blinding rage.

Jake Dude, you figured it out.

Let's hop on in and switch back. No, it's not ready yet.

This Cube is only one quarter it's normal size.

We've got to pump it up with more emotion.

How long will that take? I don't know.

I'll go as fast as I can. I mean...

I don't know! I'll go as fast as I can!

that's your name I hear.

I said, good morrow, Kate, for that's your name I hear.

It tis be my name.

Don't weareth it out.

And what be your name, I pray thee?

My name is Petruchio, and I'm here to make you my wife.

If you want to get with this,

lose the tights, put a ring on it.

Wha-what!

This is a travesty, a nightmare.

It's a lot better than last year's 'Fiddler'.

Christian Olafson was the worst Tevye I've ever seen.

You don't think she's ruining the play?

She's terrible. She's not that bad.

Who knew Hayley had a sense of humour?

Hayley's funny, totally funny.

Like, once she was in the line for lunch,

saw the special and said, "If that's the special,

give me the normal."

Well, maybe we should go somewhere else?

Get to know each other better. I can't take it.

Someone has to straighten her out.

What about me, Jake?

Jake? Hayley Dude...

I was at Level 26 Paladin with a ring of invisibility

when I rolled a 'one' on a 20-sided die.

My whole clan turned against me.

I hope you never experience that kind of betrayal.

Hayley What do you think

you're doing? Improving Shakespeare.

Listen to that, they love me. They're idiots.

Shakespeare didn't have arm farts.

We don't know that.

Etienne You can't just waltz on stage and pretend

the performance doesn't matter in the shadows of Olivier,

and Richardson and Brian Phong.

Who? Ah, last year's King Lear!

It was absolutely breathtaking. Claudia Jake!

Wow, Claudia, you look super pretty tonight.

What? Are you loving the play?

I'm kind of dedicating my performance to you.

Thanks, I guess. This is one of

the worst nights of life. Me too.

You left me all alone out there. Great first date.

Can you guys work on this later.

Our kiss is coming up and my fans expect

something scintillating. When I say my fans,

I mean, my nana.

He's right, Hayley. What ever happened to character?

What happened to commitment?

Why are you so into her? Just of fan of good theatre.

No, you clearly have a thing for her.

No, I don't. No, he doesn't.

Yes, he does and you're just as into him.

You can have each other.

Oh, Claudia, wait! Please.

Yeah, come back.

Okay, the kissing scene is next.

And if you're not out there, I'm going to have you

blacklisted from the theatre program.

You can say adios to 'Grigadoon'.

The Cube's ready. I fixed it.

Hayley? Yeah.

Jake?

Yeah.

Felix?

Meow!

Just kidding. It's me.

Etienne I said...

for the tenth time, why there's a wench.

Come and kiss me, Kate.

Did someone say something about a kiss?

Yes! No! No!

Mr. Maltby! Mr. Maltby!

There's a...ahhh!

Mr. Maltby!

A...B...C...D...E...F...G...

Look, Mr. Tuttles.

I got you some new pillows.

Felix So that brings us up to math camp.

You know, when you're bullied by math nerds,

the X axis is pain the Y axis is humiliation.

It was the longest,

the longest 12 weeks of my life.

I, I'll go straight to integer week.

You see, what happened...

Oh, you want me to go. Has it been three hours already?

I'm sure you've got a lot to do being a gelatinous Cube and all.

See you same time tomorrow, friend.