Original subtitles

Len, that orgy changed my life.

Naughty times.

Naughty, naughty times.

Love you, man.

I'm gonna go get the car.

Ugh, my god, those nachos.

- Len! Len! - Are you okay?

Where-where am I right now?

Oh, my god.

Oh, fuck.

- No, no. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

He's not breathing.

Did you just kill Santa Claus?

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Yep, another Christmas

in the books,

- another half billion cookies - in my belly.

Belly! How do you do it?

Hmm, guess Santy Claus

has one more gift to deliver.

Ooh.

I'm Cocoa Scarborough...

And this is "Morning Cocoa".

- Well, the holiday break - is over,

- Which means - we can turn our attention

Back to the real problem

facing the North Pole...

- The fact that - we're split down the middle

And everyone hates each other.

Here to fight...

- Hopefully physically, - maybe some clothes come off...

Is the head

of the Nice Union, Ebba,

and the radical Naughty Party,

Helenor.

I don't understand

- when the idea - of "one child, one gift"

Became radical.

If anything, it's just rad.

First of all,

thank you for having me, Cocoa.

Manners.

And where do you think

the additional 300 million toys

should come from, Helenor?

Not from you.

- You don't work at - the toy factory.

- You work at a bar. - Let it be known.

I'll work at the factory

- when you stop judging - four-year-olds

And consider the situation

society placed them in!

Rawr!

This news is unjolly.

Maybe this will cheer you up?

A perfect gingerbread replica

of Nakatomi Plaza

- from the greatest - Christmas movie ever...

"Die Hard"?

"No Bullets, no bullets!"

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

Oh, Jack!

- Jack, my boy! - Our meeting.

Gotta set a time

to see my own pops.

What has the world come to?

Why didn't you have breakfast

with me and Harry?

Check this out.

- He filled the elevator shaft - with jelly.

- Can't quite figure out - what flavor, though.

Gosh, what is this, fig?

No, stay.

- That throne - will be yours one day.

- Or you could sit on my lap - if you want?

No!

That's so weird!

- I'm 18, Dad. - I don't want to sit on your lap.

Well, the offer stands.

Or sits.

Look, as the future

21st Santa Claus, Blackjack,

I know I'm supposed

to sit around and eat cookies

until you croak,

but I'm not built that way.

- I'm actually down - to 3% body fat...

- Just in case - you were interested.

Physical fitness

- was a New Year's resolution - of mine, too.

Hey, Dad, I was jamming

- with the guys - down in Accounting,

And they said...

They told me this little story...

There's no way it can be true,

because they said

that you almost didn't make

Christmas last year

because you were using

factory resources

to make toys for naughty kids.

- And I was like, - "Is that true?"

- Those guys wouldn't know - a good jelly

If it slapped them in the face.

Dad, seriously, is that true?

That the nice kids

almost didn't get

the presents that they earned?

While the naughty kids

were being handed out trucks

and Xboxes by the sackload.

Because I thought here,

at the North Pole,

we only make gifts for the nic...

Will you stop eating that jelly

for one second?

Son...

don't worry about all that.

Just tell me...

is this raspberry?

And you're done.

Oh, come on, Til,

- we're in the middle - of a father-son jam session.

- Hey, can I get your taste buds - on this by the way?

You can get your taste buds

on a garden salad

if you don't get to work.

Whoa.

That's a serious threat.

Um, okay, sorry,

but I can't argue with that.

- We're all gonna be working - for you one day, Til.

- Well, thank you - for your undivided attention,

And, Dad,

have a holly, jolly Monday.

Love you!

I hate to say it,

but he's not wrong.

I mean, his vibe is like...

- I don't even know - how to describe it...

Creatine krampus?

- But he's right - about the naughty list...

- Accounting - is starting to raise flags.

Til, our world is going to shit

because we make snap judgments

and just leave it at that.

- My dad was all about - negative reinforcement...

And look at me...

I couldn't be more fucked up.

You know what's fucked up?

- Miguel refused to do - the dishes 37 times,

Got into a fight,

started vaping,

and you gave him...

a minion!

You gave that boy a minion?

That's one of

our cutest toys, man.

What's the messaging here?

Keep on fighting and vaping?

- He got into a fight - with his step-brother,

Who he just started

sharing a room with.

Come on, that's hard on a kid.

Ugh.

If the elves found out

- you were making toys - for naughty vapers,

They would freak out.

Personally,

I think it's punk rock,

- but that's between - you, me and the jelly.

And it is...

huckleberry.

- Fuckin' huckleberry, - of course!

My boy is a jelly genius!

Hey, have you seen my phone?

Work!

Did you hear Comet got banned

from the Reindeer Games?

Yeah, they found traces

of Wacky Hay in his urine.

So naughty.

Sven, there's no hope in dope.

Hey, you guys talking about

how fire Comet's social is

right now?

That dude posted

the funniest video yesterday.

How did it go?

It was like...

Ahem.

That was a parody song

- written and performed - by a reindeer.

It was not in any way

- a reflection - of my political beliefs

As it relates

- to banned substances - at the Reindeer Games.

Good, because Comet

- should probably be submitting - to periodic drug tests

- If he wants to... - Oh, my god!

Guys, let's not all just

take a dump on Comet here.

- I mean, maybe he has - a fear of heights.

That's a real...

Um, sir...

Oh, balls.

Earlier today,

this penis picture surfaced,

- and due to the redness - of the tip,

The girth of the shaft,

and the whiteness of the pubes,

sources say it could only

belong to one man...

Santa Claus.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I gotta go.

Okay, grundel washed...

Dasher is ready to smash'er!

Babe?

- There's nothing in that photo - that proves it's yours.

No scars, no marks,

not a single fucking freckle.

- Not a freckle - on my schmeckle...

What is wrong with you?

Our arrangement only works

if we keep our privates private.

I know, and I'm sorry!

I'm just jolly, okay?

It's in my bones.

Someone hacked your phone

and is trying to take you out!

Maybe it was a mistake.

Will you stop

seeing the best in people

for one second?

Those elves down there

are a bunch

of puritanical toy-nuts!

They're not gonna stand

for this crass shit.

They're gonna strike.

And then what happens next?

There'll be runaways,

a rise in drug use,

violent crime.

- Teenagers will be - out in the streets

Whoring themselves out...

- And for what? - A fucking Furby?

Your secret backlog

of naughty gifts

will be the first thing to go.

- Well, that's the opposite - of what I would want!

Tickling assholes

for a Tickle Me Elmo.

Unless you deny it,

- 'cause lord knows - Jack would be worse than you.

We just gotta get that kid

to eat, like,

a scone or something.

Nick, it's not gonna take

whoever leaked that picture

long to realize

it wasn't meant for me.

- Sir, the elves are threatening - to go on strike!

Right on cue...

Oh, god,

I don't wanna live...

They're committing suicide, too?

No!

In a world without trampolines!

Oh, thank God.

Why are you sitting?

Oh. Yeah. Okay.

Call a press conference.

I gotta do some thinking.

Some, uh...

political strategizing.

Alright, how about this?

We lock every elf in the factory

- with only the tools - to a make a peace pipe,

And then we fill it with weed,

sprinkle it with Angel Dust,

and tell them to go ahead

- and have an orgy - if they feel like it.

That way, they get along well

- and they're desensitized - to penises.

What do you think?

I think you're gonna need

a bigger lighter, dude.

Helenor...

my snuggle dumpling.

Hold me.

I told you 69-69

- wasn't a good password - for your phone.

No, that's snow!

Dammit, Chilly, you're shedding

perfectly-cut lines of snow

all over the place.

Stop it.

Whoa, it is hot in this igloo.

I'll go check the AC.

Hidden in this igloo

are the materials for a go-bag.

I'm talking snacks, money,

passports, snacks.

We could be in Iceland

by tomorrow.

Nick, I would love

to run away with you,

open up a tiny fish shop,

with maybe a small section

devoted to fine cheeses.

But we can't.

- No, but we can. - I have a magical sleigh.

Nick, you're the jolliest

guy I know.

- But what good is that - if everyone hates each other?

Look, I never asked

to be Santa Claus.

I was the only boy,

and my sister ran away

- to play Janice - on "The Sopranos".

Look.

- That's Miguel - and his step-brother.

They're not vaping.

They're vibing.

Your...

pole is out there, right?

Just dangling out there

- in a way - that's not good for anybody.

But the question is...

What are you gonna do about it?

I'm going to fix everything.

Really?

One step at a time.

Chilly, let's roll!

Ho-ho-ho, Muchachos!

Ugh, finally.

Where's your brother?

I think he's taking a shit.

Hmm, that could be a while.

- That is, if we've been enjoying - the same jelly.

Alright, Jack, Gretchen,

take your positions.

Chilly,

I want you to stand next to me

as my musical accompaniment.

Just feel it out, buddy.

Okay?

You're my best friend, Chilly.

I support you and I love you.

Here's your speech.

- Reckon I might speak - from the heart...

- Which is beating - out of my chest.

That's a bad idea!

My Fellow Pole-icans.

Many years ago,

some decisions were made

about who was naughty

and who was nice,

and it was an okay framework,

but somewhere along the way,

- we've let our lives - turn into a list.

Of grievances.

Of differences.

Of who's naughty

and who's nice.

And all we do now

- is focus on - how much we hate each other.

We forgot why we were here.

- Which is to make the world - a better place.

For children.

And, yo, seriously,

whoever leaked that photo,

that was naughty, man.

But you know what?

Maybe you had a reason for it.

- Maybe something happened - at some point in your life

That made you think

- committing crimes of the web - was a good idea.

So, hacker...

I forgive you.

And when you forgive,

- the truth - is no longer so scary, is it?

My fellow pole-icans...

that was my big, hairy dick.

Peace and good tidings to all!

Do not go in there!

Whoo!

He owned it.

The one thing

I didn't see coming.

I mean, there were only

two real moves there...

He could have resigned!

Whatever, dude.

Do you have my drug money?

What is wrong with you?

I'm a penguin in a sauna, man.

- Why couldn't we just meet - in the abandoned lot

Behind Lollipop Lane?

- When the abandoned lot - behind Lollipop Lane

- Gets a juice bar - and a squash court,

We can talk.

Till then, shut the fuck up.

There's a war comin', Cocoa.

And in the end,

I will stand on the ashes

of those who perished

to make me King.

Well, there's

that Christmas spirit.

Oh.