All language subtitles for The Fortune (1975)

I can't believe it! I'm married to
F. Q. Biggerd, the millionairess.

She's not a millionairess,
damn it!

Didn't her mother
leave her something?

Wait. It'll come to me.

No, it won't!
Will you get off of this?

I told you, she hasn't got any money,
goddamn it! Wait a minute...

Listen, kiddo, let me straighten the
picture on the wall right now, okay?

If I could've gotten my divorce,
you wouldn't be married to anybody.

You'd be behind bars where
you belong, you cheap crook.

Now, do yourself a favour
and stay away from her.

Nick! Nick!

How is she?

She's still out cold.

Nick! Nick!

What?

Listen, doesn't she have some money
in her own right?

Will you get off of this? I told you,
it's all in Daddy's hands! Period.

This is purely a love proposition
between her and I, goddamnit.

But wait a minute, Nick!

Listen...

You may be saving me
from the Mann Act, kiddo,

but I am saving you
from the gallows.

Now, when we get to Chicago,
if you would prefer me to call the bank

and point out the embezzlement
of some $1,500

by their
dummo ex-bank teller,

which I have covered
at great personal cost...

Come on, Nick, you don't have to
make these unpleasant threats.

Do you want to go to jail, or do you
want to go to California?

California.

All right.

Good morning.

Did you have
a nice ni... night?

I'm sick as a mutt.

God, what a night
to remember.

It's all
a complete blank.

She, uh,
can't drink...

among other things.

Mmph.

Well, I feel great.

Slept like a top,
first time on a train.

I feel like a million.

E... excuse me,

have we met?

Yes, dear, you have.

This is your husband,
Oscar Sullivan?

Oh, I am sorry.
How do you do?

Don't mention it.

I'm not quite myself.

Would you like
some eggs, dear?

Please don't say that.

Uh, what does the "F. Q."
stand for?

Fredericka Quintessa.

Oh...
Fredericka Quintessa Biggerd.

Bigg ard.

- Bee-gard.
- "Freddie" is fine.

Oh. Freddie.
That's cute.

Oh, please don't eat!
Don't eat.

Oh!

- Fredericka Quintessa Biggard.
- Just quit throwing your weird thoughts

and your misinterpretations
onto the thing.

I wasn't. I was just for a second
knocked for a loop.

Because I find it
insulting.

No, no, it wasn't.

I'm really
very happy for you, Nick.

I think she's a lovely-looking
and probably a very nice...

Well, it's not in your best interest
to find her too attractive, you know.

- I didn't say "too attractive."
- Just keep it in mind!

I mean,
from the front, maybe.

To me, not that much
from the side.

Now, I don't mean bad, though.

I mean not as alluring
as from the front.

She's not as good-looking as
your wife, though, do you think?

Huh?

Be right back.

I'd like to say that I think
that there's a want of intelligence

in bringing too much notice
to ourselves, kiddo, you know?

It just lacks foresight.

I was just gonna play
a few games.

'Cause you're the husband
and I'm the brother...

Not that it would
ever happen,

but we don't want
any of these clowns

to have the opportunity to say
that we were peculiar in any way.

- In that the husband was always playing cards...
- Well, they couldn't say that, Nick...

...while the brother was always under
the rose with the sister.

- You get me?
- Uh-huh.

- It just doesn't look nice.
- Uh-huh.

So try to stay
to yourself.

You know how high the percentage
of convictions on the Mann Act is, kiddo?

I'll bet you in round figures it's more
than for murder, robbery, and rape, all told.

Half of these geepos get snagged
by just a simple lack of foresight.

It's dumb.

Dumb stuff.

It's not necessary.

Transporting a woman across a
state line for immoral purposes.

Ha! That's a lot of crap.

Where is, uh...

Indisposed.

Oh.

Indisposed.

Is she sick again?

Up in the saddle.

Oh.

The monthly?

Oh, the monthly.

Yeah...

the mousey's bedtime.

The mousey's what?

It's what we call it.

My mother, when I was a kid...
Now, this takes me back.

She used to have me run down
to buy a "mouse bed," she called 'em.

So's I wouldn't be onto what they were
and get embarrassed.

Which, later, I definitely did
refuse to do it.

But then she'd say,

"Run down and get me a box
of little mouse beds, honeybug."

Mouse beds?

Yeah, in the funny strips, you know.
You've seen it.

The little mouse
in his red coveralls

and his little hole
in the wall

with a lot
of little mousey furniture.

And, uh,
even a little bitty radio set

the size
of your fingernail, see?

And a mousey little bed
that he sleeps in.

You've seen it.

And she pointed this out
to me, "Looky there, Osco,

"at the cute little creep mousey
in his mousey, mousey bed.

"Go down to Fatool's
and get your mud a big box

"for the little mousey
to lay his head."

You didn't wonder
what the hell she was doing

with all these mice beds?

No.

Because women are afraid of mice.

You know that, don't you?

No, I didn't wonder.

I'd have been curious.

Mouse beds.

I gotta tell Freddie
that one.

Momsie.

Oh, he was absolutely hideous to me.
I could cry.

Oh, now, now.

- He cursed me!
- Oh, God, that's... that's awful.

He said I was
a profound disappointment

and a cheap wanton,
and I don't know what else.

You didn't tell him
where we're going.

He said
I begrimed his name.

Aw, what a...

He wouldn't listen
to a word I said.

He said as far as he was concerned,
I no longer exist,

and that he's going to
cut me out of his life

as if I was some kind
of unwanted wart or something.

Oh, God,
what kind of a daddy is that?

That's that.
The worst is over, Momsie.

We just don't want to give it
another thought.

Shouldn't exist.

You know, a mean man
and a man of means

often means the same.

Oh, well. Boo to him, then.
What do I care, kiddies?

I may have lost one man,
but I've fallen heiress to two.

- That's right.
- You're right.

Goodbye, blues.

These things are nothing
but death traps.

Isn't this exhilarating,
sweetie?

I've always wanted
to do this!

I just know
you're going to love it!

This is something
right out of Buck Rogers,

isn't it?

I feel like old Lindy!

Like a bird!

How are you
enjoying yourself?!

Uh...

I've been reading up quite a bit
about flying, you know,

in an aerodynamics booklet!

I don't know
the first thing about it!

Well, you know, the great pressure
of going 90 miles per

forces the wind...

Hey!

Oh, excuse me!

The lemon
is for air sickness, sir!

What does it do?!

You suck on it!

Ah...

Los Angeles in five minutes.
Los Angeles in five minutes.

- Ahh.
- Ooh!

Ahhhh!

Ahhhhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

- Ahhh!
- Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhhh!

Just ignore him!

Uh... uh... uh...

...hang onto up there?
Where were you?

Thank you. Excuse me.

Oscar Sullivan.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Hmm?

What is this?

A guy walks a wing

and supposedly his friends
say nothing about it?

No one's impressed.
No one's impressed, jackass!

Oh, sweetie... ow!

Goddamn it! I knew we should've
assumed some names.

You ever hear
of Ormer Locklear?

I asked you and I asked you,
but no, no!

You want to cause the whole
thing to fizzle up in our faces!

You want to put us all
into striped suits!

I don't agree.

Ha ha! That's rich!
That's rich!

Did you ever once stop
and think

what a mess you'd have
put me into if you'd fallen off?

If I thought
I was gonna fall off,

I wouldn't have done it, stumpo.
I was optimistic I wouldn't.

And I'll tell you why I did it
if you're so interested.

- Put my goddamn neck at risk, and Freddie's.
- Ow!

We'd be out here, across I don't know
how many state lines, without a husband.

And you drawing unnecessary
attention to us

by falling off a plane
and getting squashed to death!

Come on, come on.
Will you hurry up?!

You want to know
why I did it or not?

I know why you did it!
I know why you did it!

I could drop my pants
and do the same!

What about me?
I'd like to know why.

Okay, okay.
Tell me in the taxi.

It's private.

Why?

All this whole trip you've been
more or less ignoring me.

- Oh, baloney.
- Yeah, you have.

I've been mostly placed
in a position

of being left alone
like a fifth wheel

and not being made to feel
like I'm included.

Well, I just got married.
Do you mind?

Hey, I just got married.

- Wait a minute...
- No, this is no fun

and I'm not planning
on putting up with it.

Oh.
Okay, Oscar, okay.

Uh, I'm sorry.

What can I say?
Except that I'm...

I'm glad that you brought it
to my attention. I really am.

Well, yeah.

So you should pay some attention
to the fact, you know, that, after all,

I'm here too.

Well, I want to hear
from you now, kiddo.

What do you think?
You like the place? Hmm?

Really nice, huh?

Well...

I don't know, Nick.

It's not much like the picture
you painted.

Well, maybe we can do a little
better when we both have a job.

Frankly, this is close
to what I can afford

for three people at present.

- What do you think, honey?
- Huh?

What do I think?
I think, uh...

Well, I love it.
I think it's adorable.

I think it's a dream.

You do?

Well, why,
if you like it that much,

why, then, why don't we just
go ahead and take it, huh?

Ooh!

What do you think, Nick?

Uh, this is
Mr and Mrs Oscar Dix, here,

and I'm, uh, Mr Wilson.
I'm Mrs Dix's brother.

How do you do?

And may I ask who is to be
the responsible party?

I... I, uh, will be
the responsible party.

All right.

As the responsible party,
Mr Wilson, a few things...

We can have no cats, dogs,
children, picture people,

drinking, noisy gatherings,
or raucous behaving of any kind.

Now, over here...

Ha ha.

How 'bout it today, kiddo?

Are we gonna come up
with a situation for you or not?

Well, I'm trying, you know.

If you think I'm not,
I'm out there every day.

All day
wearing down my shoes.

It's rough.

So you've been saying.

Well, I surely don't want to press you,
but it strikes me just a little bit unfair

that, uh, I'm carrying
the whole load here

while you lie around
like a...

I'm not lying around.

I haven't gotten
entirely up yet.

Look, kiddo...

I'm trying my damnedest

to get Beatrice to come up
with this divorce thing, okay?

Now, what if it's gonna take
another couple of months?

This is the point. Are you just
gonna let me foot all the bills?

Well, I've reached
the decision, Nick,

that I didn't come
all the way out here

just to repeat
my old life.

Oh. Uh-huh.

Now, what do you think
I oughta do?

Be calling up Freddie every hour
on the telephone

and see if you're out
doing your part?

Now, wouldn't that be
a sorry thing?

Hey, Nick!

You didn't leave me any money
for carfare or lunch!

Good morning, Oscar.

Morning.

So glad someone's still here.

Well...

I haven't completely
got going yet.

So godawful to wake up,
find yourself all alone...

I just hate it.
It's my least favourite thing.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

You know what I usually do?

After I listen
to the damn birds,

tweet tweet.
God, bedlam!

This is what I do
every morning.

Four...

five...

six...

It's for the waist.

Well, you have a very
nice figure to begin with.

I've been trying
to do a back bend.

Oh.

Well, I could show you
how to do that.

You could?!

Oh.
Well, let's do that some time.

And to pick up a hankie
with your teeth.

Oh, I'd love that.

I'd just love
to surprise Nicky one night

by just sort of
casually leaning over

and picking something up,

and never mention
a word about it.

Ha! Wouldn't he go wild?

Oh, you know what?

What?

Nicky's getting me
a Victrola.

Oh.

And a typewriter.

Too bad we can't have
a puppy dog here.

Tear-stained cheeks.

Oh, do you want
a little doggy?

Well, something.

What's your birthday come on?

My birthday? Why do you want
to know about my birthday?

Well, you never can tell.

Somebody might
just want to surprise you

with a little doggy
on your birthday.

Oh, Lord.
That's very soon now.

Where do I plan to be
on my way to then,

for heaven's sakes?

To Europe with my sweetie.

Oh.

He can afford
to go to Europe?

Well, well, well.

Well, maybe we can
and maybe we can't.

The main thing is to get this
divorce thing out of the way.

I'd better go get dressed.

Excuse me.

Hey, baby. Chickie.

All right, that's enough.

Put that thing away.

It's so little.
It just breaks me to pieces.

I'm gonna break it to pieces
and put it in the garbage.

Look at it with me,
sweetie.

No, I will not
look at it!

Just for one second.

Boy, this character will go to
any extremes to get attention.

Well, I tell ya, he better get himself
a job this week or that's it.

No ifs, ands, or buts,
I mean it.

Let him play the big gift-giver
with his own money,

the little Bolshevik.

Honey, just look at this
little baby thing.

I'm gonna throw it
out the window.

I think it thinks
I'm its mother.

Ohhh.

You ever hear the moral
about the little monkey

that had the bad habit of
copying every damn thing he saw?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's a good one.

You ever heard
of Chicken Little?

Well, I refer to it apropos
of that little cream-catcher

on your lip.

What, this?

That's right.
The monkey-do moustache.

Are you trying to be suave?

If you think I'm trying
to copy you, you're bent.

Ha ha. No?
Who had it first?

Were you born with a moustache
or something? A lot of people have...

Oh, kiddos, please!

Are we gonna have a good time
or not?

I know.
Let's all sing something.

Let's sing, um...

I mean
this exact style?

Hey, I've run into a dozen people
out here that have this exact style.

- Who?
- Oh, you name 'em!

Gilbert, for instance.
Navarro.

Navarro who?

Ramon.
John Gilbert I'm speaking of.

Give me John Gilbert.

These are your friends now,
huh?

I didn't say anything
about friends, did I?

I was referring
to their mustaches.

As long as you're moving
in these circles, kiddo...

Hey, wait a minute! I didn't say...

Maybe you can quit
nickel-and-diming me to death!

- What do you want me to do?
- Shut up, Freddie.

- You want me to be night clerk at some hotel rat-cheese?
- Please drop me off at the corner.

How about night and day clerk
at the YMCA,

which is right where
you're headed for, you little leech.

- "Shut up, Freddie"?
- Gimme that, you porker!

Hey, don't touch...

Ow! Ouch!

You watch it!

I'll push
your goddamn nose in it.

Oh, I'm happy to hear it,
Nicky!

- God! Let me out!
- I'm happy to hear it!

- Let me out of here!
- You know why?

Let me out! No one pays
any attention to my feelings!

Momsie! Momsie!

I am bored to insanity
with these rows!

I want to call my daddy
on the telephone!

Get back in the car,
dear.

Go on your stinking picnic.

- Freddie, did you hear me?
- No, I said.

I'm gonna stay here until
someone nice comes along,

you damn poo-poo faces!

Freddie,
you don't mean that.

Ha!
Love has turned to hate!

It's all right now, honey,
come on.

I can't stand
being with the two of you!

Because Oscar isn't going with us.

God, you nearly
scared the pants off me.

I brought you this food
for your little chickie.

Oh. Thank you.

Don't you look like
a little Kewpie doll?

One time, I... I dressed up
in my brother's clothes,

very late at night
after everyone was asleep

and I went promenading
around the streets,

devil-may-care, you know,
with my hands in my pockets.

Of course, there wasn't
a soul around to see me.

Chickie.

They would've
packed me off to an alienist.

But... oh, I did feel like
a real individual.

Sit on my lap,
you cutie.

No, I'm not going to
sit on your lap.

What for?

Sit on my lap.

Are you going to start
anything... funny if I do?

I won't try anything funny
that you don't want me to.

Can you give me
a piece of candy?

'Cause we're not going to be naughty.
But in the... no, I really don't want to.

Come on...

What's this foible you got about
just sitting on a guy's lap?

Fraidy-cat.

Applesauce!
Keep your hands to yourself,

I'll sit in your lap
till the cows come home.

My hands are to myself.

Okay.

I'm sitting on your lap.

See?

- So what?
- My hands are to myself.

Chickie...

Oh, I love my little chickie.

Chickie!
Peep, peep.

- Who gave it to ya?
- Chickie...

- Hmm?
- Chickie...

Chickie...

Never even
got a kiss for it.

You did so.

- Give me a little kiss.
- There you go.

Give me a little kiss.

I'll just give you
a little peck on the cheek.

Oh!

Oh...

Oh!

What am I doing?

No, I refuse to.
Let's stop, please.

Mm-mmm.

No. No. Wait, we can't.
Please. Fins!

Fins!

I refuse to be unfaithful
to Nicky! Fins!

Oh!

God,
I must be out of my mind!

Who's the actual one
being cheated upon,

if the truth be told,

according to
the state of New York,

not to mention
the eyes of God?

No one has to be the wiser.

Ah! Ah!

Ooh! Ooh!

Ow!

Wait, wait,
your leg's in the wrong place.

Ah, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my...

Oh, my! Oh, my, oh, my.

Oh, how are you, there,
Mrs Gould?

Well, are we practicing
the bandito today?

Oh, I don't know,
I doubt it.

Yeah.

You really do,
you look cute as a bug.

Maybe I am a bug.

Hmm, that's right.

You're Nicky's little bug.

So what hit me
like a ton of bricks?

Lunchtime in Providence.

Oh, my...

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

What's this, Freddie?

I don't know.

Your Frenchies?

Not mine, dear.

Oh.

I just now said to myself,
"What in the world are you doing?"

What am I doing?

I'm j... I'm just trying
to keep the place moist.

No, no, me, Mrs Gould.

I just said to myself,
"Hey, where are you going and why?"

I tell ya,
I feel like a million bucks!

I think we should keep
some things to ourselves.

I am going to keep it to myself.
Oh, I tell ya. I just...

Pardon me for saying this,
but your fiddle case is open.

Oh. Sorry.

Oh.
How ya doin', Nick?

Home for lunch?

Me too.

What's up?

Do I go through
your drawers, Nick?

I don't go
through your drawers.

It's all over, pal.

You just went
a little too far, for my money.

Yeah?
What did I do now?

Forget the slosh.
There's the evidence.

You tried
to force yourself on her.

Force myself? Ha ha.

Force myself.

You wanna know the whole truth?
She allured me.

Don't give me that.

I hate to tell you
what it led to.

Freddie!

That's a lie.

Sit down, Freddie.

I told you,
we just petted a little.

If you wanna believe him
instead of me, please do.

Petted, my big toe!

Not in my book!

Freddie, did you do it
with this creepo?

Who knows what I did?

Some stupid thing,
I don't even know what.

I was faced
to the stupid wall.

Well, you're several times more interested
in each other than you are in me.

The way I've been treated,
you ask me how I feel?

Oh, you dirty, rotten,
little snitcher.

Oh, God!
I hate all these squabbles.

I tried to stay away
from this issue, Nick.

Take my word for it.

You're getting
a premature divorce, kiddo.

Now wait a minute.
This throws me back.

I want you outta here
right away. Get me?

Now wait, because...

Once and for all,
goddamn it!

I've come to the decision that
I don't want a divorce at all.

I saw in the papers where they sent
a very prominent dentist up on the Mann Act.

- Watch yourself, kiddo.
- Two years in a slaver's cell.

You happen to see that, Nick?

Who knows, I get thrown out on
the streets, I might feel resentful.

Go and write
an anonymous note

to some of these here
interested parties

and leave you
to face the charges.

You crooked little
son of a bitch!

You do that, Nick,
and I'll come right back at ya.

Boy, you take me
for a dumbbell!

There's maybe hundreds of
thousands involved here!

- Don't talk to me about divorces!
- You're a maniac! Do you know that?

I told you
she can't expect a cent!

Not from Daddy, maybe.
But don't try and kid me about Mama!

She's got money coming from
her mother on her birthday.

Ha ha! You're crazy!
You're a dreamer!

Her mother's Quintessa!
The Quintessa lady on the box!

You think I'm dumb?
I checked up!

I didn't tell him.

Nobody has to tell me anything!
It dawned on me right away!

She's the mouse-bed heiress!

All right, so what?

She's divorcing you! You're
in line for nothing! Zero!

Oh yeah?!

You think I've been breaking my hump
here for nothing, you little bastard?!

You think you're gonna come up
with so much as a peanut?

- I'm the husband in the case!
...Zero!

You ever heard of
community property?!

I just consummated the whole
thing so there's no loopholes!

You take me for a moron?!

I know my rights!

Maybe I want to go
to Europe too.

Shoe's on
the other damn foot.

I'm getting
a funny feeling that money

is all anybody cares about
in this room.

Freddie...

That's not true.

The minute I know
someone's lying to me,

I stop feeling for them
immediately.

Please don't give Nicky
any crap now.

You don't love me.
I can tell.

- That's right. He doesn't.
- Will you shut up?

Face the facts.

Arrrrggghh!

Ahhhhh!

Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhhh!

Leave me alone!
Leave me alone!

You're trying to kill me!
I'm gonna call the police!

I don't care
what happens to me!

Do you hear me?!

I'm going to call my daddy
on the telephone!

I'm gonna tell him
everything you put me through!

And I hope
they throw us all in jail!

Go on!

For all you put me through!

You bastards!
You sons of bitches! I hate you!

You're never, ever
gonna get anything from me!

I'm gonna give it
all away first!

I'm gonna give it all away!

I am going to
give it all away!

I don't care who gets it!

I'm going to
give it all to charity!

You made my life
a perfect hell!

I don't care
what happens to me!

Let's not go off half-cocked,
now, honey.

Don't talk to me!

- Because, Momsie...
- You're half-cocked!

- nothing has changed here. You know that.
- You liar!

So just calm down
and stop behaving hysterically.

Don't talk to me.
I'm gonna get on a train!

No, no, no. You just think about
who's been deceived here

and how hard it is for me
to try and forgive what you...

Balls! Balls! Balls!

So I'm not gonna set foot
back inside this house

until you make up your mind
to calm down

and come to some sort
of decision. Goodbye, dear.

I don't wanna try
and influence ya,

but this guy's a potential
menace as far as I'm concerned.

You leave me alone!
Leave me alone!

The scales have fallen
from my eyes.

I don't know
what I've done to deserve

such a self-centered
pair of bastards!

Now what did I do?!

Please open the door.

Momsie?

I never, you know,
had anything in mind

but the object
of your complete happiness.

Now, uh, are you gonna
accept that or not?

Well, now, yes,
the situation has been allowed

to drift a little off
the beaten track, honey,

but, uh, Oscar and I have come
to a mutual understanding,

and for the, uh, sake of
all of our peaces of mind,

uh, from now on, there's gonna
be absolutely no problems.

Uh, you understand that,
honey?

You think I can be happy when
I know how unhappy you've been?

I tell ya...

I've been about
as unhappy as a man can be

that this thing has gone sour,
dear heart.

Miserable and unhappy.

Tell her me too.

Uh, did you hear me, honey?

Whatever you wanna do, dear.

You just go right ahead with it
if it makes you happy.

It's absolutely fine by me.

All right?

So good night, dear.

Good night, d...

Did you hear me, honey?

Now what?

She's gonna give it all away.

A fortune, down the drain.

Boy, oh, boy.

You've ruined my life,
that's all.

Know what I actually
feel like doing?

I'd like to
get ahold a gun and...

just "bang!" like that.

Solve all my problems.

What are you staring at?

You could do that?

You could do that to her?

"To her"?
What "to her"?

Uh, I... I can read
between the lines, kiddo.

I can read between the lines.

Read between the lines,
my foot.

I don't come up with these ideas
on my own.

Oh, no?

Oh, no.

I was speaking editorially
of myself.

You leaped to conclusion,
not me.

Okay, forget it.
No one's to blame.

Let's just say
it came up accidentally.

Yeah.

Well... uh...

accidents do happen,
you know,

where no one's to blame,
for that matter.

I'm just talking out loud.

Well, uh, if we're
speaking hypothetically,

uh, nothing of an accidental nature
could occur until after the birthday.

Of course not, right?

Then, uh, one would have,
oh, uh...

some period of grace before, uh,
she'd actually, uh...

come into possession.

But, uh, after the birthday, then what
the, uh, husband would legally,

you know, be the, uh,
whatchamacallit?

Yeah.

Ah, touchy.

You know, Nick, I'd, uh...

Hypothetically...

I'd go absolute halves
with ya.

I hope you know that.

You wanna sleep on it?

Well, now, you know,
most of your average people

won't know a venomous reptile
from a large garden worm.

Oh, no, it, uh,
has to be an absolute, authentic

poisonous snake,
or, uh, he won't work with it.

You don't say.

These are, more or less,
rattlesnake here...

or pit vipers.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Um, what about that one?

That's "Ol' Pete."

He'll run you a buck.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Gimme a buck.

I hope you're sure
about their being poisonous

because none of them
are making for you.

Heh heh heh heh.

They ain't gonna none of them
make for ol' Tom.

They know old Tom
will kick the sap out of 'em.

Now, I ain't gonna
guarantee ya

you can charm
a rattlesnake.

Oh, yeah, sure.

He's done it, oh...
I don't know how many times.

Oh, you don't say.

Now, be sure you hold him
akimbo from your body.

Now what?

Well, what this famous guy, uh,
Casper de Mange, did is,

he put the snake
into a canvas bag, I believe,

and then he stuck
his wife's foot into it

and he held it there
till she got bit.

Well, we can't do that.
We can't do that.

She'd know
we were doing something.

No, he chloroformed her.

Something like that first
and then he...

Well, we can't do that.

The guy was a clown.

We gotta work out
someway we can, uh,

maybe go up into the hills

and have it occur
in a natural setting.

Maybe, uh, you know, uh...

plan another picnic.

Hmmm. Maybe. Maybe.

I feel a qualm about
this snake, kiddo.

You do? What qualm?

Well, let's leave 'em here
and take a look in the morning.

Is it all right?

Oh, my!

Ask Nick
if you don't believe me.

Well, it's going to improve.
That's my goal.

And anyway, I just adore
trying various recipes.

Uh, uh, what's this, dear?
Uh...

Okra.

In a way,
I'm just loving it.

Because it recalls
my old dollhouse days

when I was just
a little baby girl,

and I used to spend hours
pretending to serve tea.

Yeah, well, you're still Nicky's
little baby girl, aren't you,

my little mud pie?

Oh, you're so je ne sais quoi.
I could just eat you.

It's sticky.

Don't eat it
if you don't want to.

Really, if you don't like it,
because I'm not that way.

Oh, no, I like it,
it's just, uh...

is it supposed to be
kind of slithery?

I really don't know.

All right, uh...

I know, uh...

these are, uh, eggs.

I'm so happy.

Isn't this fun, for a change,
you have to admit?

Oh, yeah, honey.

I just feel so relieved

now that I've decided what to do
with that damn money of mine.

You know, I was trying to recall
some of these charities

that my mother
was very, very involved with,

because I know
she would be so pleased

that I would put it
to that use.

Uh-huh.

You want some more
of anything?

Uh, what else you got?

Oh, I made a dessert!

Ah...

for breakfast.

Ahh.

Oh, damn, it didn't set.

What is it?

Uh, eh, tea?

Oh, go jump in the lake.

Oh, well, what is it then, dear?

I don't care to be the butt
of your amusement, Nicky.

Oh, I give up.

Just keep asking yourself,
"Then where will I be?"

"Then where will I be?"

Keep asking yourself.

I don't care.

I don't give a damn
where I'm gonna be.

I just... it's not in me,
this sort of thing,

it's just not in me.

It's all over.

One of the first principles
of applying "mindism"

is to never let negative feelings
block the path to your goal.

Otherwise, you are always
sinking back into discouragement.

Oh, leave me alone.

What I do is,
I envision my goal.

I put myself into a trance
and then I go to sleep.

Now this is the technique,
which is what I'm using here,

to where I have come up
with a foolproof plan

that we haven't even come up
with yet, or even thought of.

Now what could that be?

What?

Suicide.

I have thought of that.

I've thought of it.

Then you follow my thinking.

The rent, dear!

Thank you.

Now, uh, dear,
I gotta confess

to any of these disturbances
you've been hearing lately.

I thought I'd better tell you
that my sister and my brother-in-law

haven't been hitting it off
and, uh...

the truth is they've been having
some pretty bad rows.

My, oh, my, that's what
I was afraid of.

Yes, yes, they have,

and, uh, it's been going on
for some time

to the tragic result
that, uh,

he's moving
out of the house on her

and he's gonna
take up residence in a hotel.

Well... I didn't want to say,
but just not so long back now,

I heard her screaming
like a stuck pig.

and then,
what to my chagrin do I see,

but Mr Dix leaping
out the window like Bandit Bill

without so much
as a fare-thee-well.

Yeah, this has been
going on and...

I... I'm very concerned
for her here, naturally,

because she's... she's so
overly emotional that...

Well, anyway, maybe she won't
go to that extreme, but...

I don't know why,

in such a glorious world
as we've been provided with,

birds, of sunshine,
of beautiful trees and flowers,

and the radio,

why people don't get on
any better than they do.

It just makes me sick.

Yeah. Thank you.

Ooh!

Oh, you found more hooch.

You genius!

It's locked.

Bedroom, bedroom.

Come on, come on.
Hurry up!

Harry?

Hurry!

Now what? Now what?

Now you are gonna drive me
to the hotel.

Yeah, yeah.
I didn't say I'd drive you.

Go over and spend the night
at the hotel. Go on, hurry up.

You did too say
you were gonna drive me.

- Now, how am I gonna get there?
- Walk, damn it. Walk!

Go on, get out the back way
and don't let anybody see you.

Will you get going? Go!

I forgot how to get there.

I don't even know
the name of the street, Nick.

You said that you
were gonna drive me.

You get outta here. Go anywhere.
Check into another hotel.

Go to the YMCA.
It doesn't matter.

My suitcase is at the hotel!

This doesn't sound like a suicide note.
It just doesn't sound right.

Burn this,
flush it down the toilet,

then get outta here.

Turn off that damn light!
I'm asleep!

You're not even
supposed to be here!

Ooh!

"Life has lost its meaning.
Love, Freddie."

Mr Wilson?

Would you get outta here?!
Go on, go on!

Mr Wilson?

Get outta there!

Hello?

Hello? Mr Wilson?

Oh, what's going on here
at this time of night?

I found poor Mrs Dix
lying out here in the lily pond.

What are you talking about?

She's just soaked
to the bone.

Can you imagine?

Thank heavens,
something jarred me awake.

I sat bolt up,
and what, to my surprise,

as I looked out the door...
Oh, now, is that Mr Dix?

Oscar!

Pardon me?

Shh! There are others.

Oh, she must be unhappy
to get herself so squiffed

as to come out
and fall into the pond.

Well, I'm afraid
she did it on purpose, dear.

She did it on purpose.

Well, get her out
of those wet things,

or she'll catch her death.

She's soaked through
and through.

Did you hear what I said?

The door's locked.

Oh, my goodness. Well, I'll
just run and get my keys.

Don't give up.

Get that thing outta here!

Back up!

Hey, come on!
Move that thing.

You're right in
the middle of the road.

Move it!

Hey, come on!
Move it!

Back up, will ya?
Back up a little bit.

Back up,
you son of a bitch!

Get outta there!
Get back!

Oh!

What did you do
with the shoes?

- The shoes? Where are the shoes?
- They're back there.

Well, go get 'em, damn it.

We gotta put 'em on the side here,
where she goes into the water.

- Now go get 'em.
- You go get 'em.

I'm always the one.

I gotta rest.

Oscar!

Oscar!

We were supposed to take her
out of the trunk, Goddamn it!

Is that gonna look
like suicide?

Now, how is that
gonna look like suicide?

Oh, God!

My mind went blank!

Get in there
and get it back.

I thought I saw somebody,
and I got excited.

Get in there and get it back.
We gotta get it back.

Boy, oh, boy!

Oh, you jackass,
son of a bitch, maniac, bastard.

You shouldn't have put her
in the trunk.

I told you,
"Don't put her in the trunk."

You goddamn pinhead,
you wanted to cause suspicion

carrying a body around
in broad day...

You don't think that
a trunk causes suspicion?

A trunk is one
of the most suspicious things

- that you could possibly think of.
- Shut up. Shut up.

No. Hey, you shut up.

I'm not gonna take the blame
for every single, little thing.

Oh, God.

I'll tell you, I've seen more trash
thrown into that bay...

Well, I... I couldn't tell you.

We don't... we don't know
the first thing about it.

People throw more refuse
in there you can shake a stick at.

Well,
we're just sitting here.

I mind
my own business.

I've stood out there and seen
toilet seats floating by,

pretty as you please.

I don't doubt it.

Believe me,
people ought to be shot.

Now what?

O... okay. Let's get
everything clear in our minds.

First, we get back to the house,
we get into bed,

then, whatever happens,
that's where we've been.

We don't know a thing.

I don't go to the hotel.

She was upset.
We were asleep.

How'd she get
in the trunk?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, let's put
our heads together.

Let's... let's deal
with the trunk.

Jesus Christ!

Oh, yes! Yes!

One, it's bound to sink. Trunks
don't float forever, damn it.

When it sinks, we can just assume
that she'll float out of the trunk

and then, see, it'll just appear as if...
How does it sound?

Well, Nick,
I don't think...

Oh, I should have left
her shoes.

Yeah, but what if...?

No, no, no, no.
It's gotta sink, I'm tellin' ya.

Go along with me, eventually it...
Trunks don't float, goddamn it.

What if it does, say?
What are you gonna say?

What am I gonna say?

- What are we gonna say?
- What are we gonna say?

- Tell the truth.
- I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

What I'm thinking is,
just in case...

I'm thinking we ought to have
a plan whereby we leave town.

No, no, no. Let's not get ahead
of ourselves.

First of all,
we get back to the house...

- No hotel?
- No, no, no.

Proceed just according to plan.

- We get up. We, uh... find the note.
- Uh-huh.

No, we change the note.
We change the note.

We get alarmed.

And then I run over
to Mrs Gould's.

You call the police.

Oh, God!

You tell 'em the story.

Nah, you tell 'em, Nick.
I'm not gonna know what to say.

Just what I've been telling you!
Now, pay attention! That's all we know.

Oh, God, Nick, I'm not gonna be able
to remember all this.

- Just act shocked and break down.
- Yeah.

Just act shocked
and break down, that's all.

In other words,
I don't go to the hotel.

No, no, no. We just
go back to the house, okay?

Back to the house.
That's all we know.

That's all I know.

What I'm thinking, though,
is just in case, I think we better...

- Okay, let's go back to the beach.
- I'm not gonna go back to the beach.

- We should never have left the scene.
- Oh, God!

- Oh, no! I could no more go back there...
- Don't shrink on me, you bastard!

- Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
- That goddamn thing will never sink!

Look what you've got me into,
you homicidal maniac!

You son of a bitch!
Get out of there!

Son of a...

Where am I?

Long Beach.

I wonder what I did last night.

Nick! Nick!

What time is it?

Uh, I'd...

I'd say, uh...

You know what I'm thinking?

Forget everything I said.

What I'm thinking now is

why don't we
just tear this note up,

and, uh, we don't call
the police?

We just wait around here
for the rest of the day,

and we see what happens.

- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.

See what happens.
I agree.

Yeah, yeah.
I think so.

We wait...
No, no, maybe we wait two days,

and then, uh...
if we don't hear anything,

um... then we get alarmed.

We show a natural concern
as to her whereabouts,

and, uh...
and then we call the police.

Yeah.

Yeah, we then call the police.
How does that sound? More natural?

- To me, it's more natural, yeah.
- Yeah.

Uh, I'd like to get calm

and, uh, take the time
to get my story straight first.

Yeah, yeah.
Mm-hmm. I think so.

We'll wait,
so it doesn't look too pat.

I think you should go over
to Mrs Gould and ask her

if she's seen Freddie
and et cetera,

just to plant the seed.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, what time is it?

I think
you should do it now.

We just got up, okay?

- Okay.
- Yeah.

We just got up...
and if she's seen Freddie.

Yeah.

Nick!

- What?
- Police!

The police?

Two policemen!

Well, what do they want?

Uh, maybe they found her.

Oh, God, God!
Now what?

Will you shut up?!

W... w... w... what do we do?

Keep quiet, goddamn it!

Remain calm, remain calm.

Follow my lead,
whatever I say.

Now, we've been asleep.
You're very distraught.

- Mr Wilson?
- No, no.

Are you Mr Wilson?

Oh, no, excuse me.
I am Mr Wilson.

I didn't quite hear you correctly.
I'm Mr Wilson, this is Mr Dix.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

I'm so upset!

What's wrong with him?

- It's his wife. He's really torn up.
- I'm sweating like a horse!

They haven't been
getting along,

and when we got up
this morning, uh...

W... we were asleep,
you know.

I was just gonna call you.

We got up this morning,
and we found this.

Would you step out here,
please?

I just got caught
in a web of circumstances!

Do you know anything
about that bus?

Oh, yes.
I can explain that.

Oscar? Oscar?

Because I actually
had feelings for her!

You're getting
too distraught, Oscar,

because we can explain
the bus.

- The bus wasn't my idea!
- He's going off the deep end.

He stole the bus!
I just went along!

But it was his idea
to put her in the trunk!

Because I didn't know what,
at the time, I was doing!

Oscar, I don't know
what you're going on about.

- I'm not this kind of person!
- Oscar, they just want to know

about the goddamned bus!

- Bus?
- Yeah, bus.

It was just in the nature
of a practical joke.

Oh, the bus.

Put who in a trunk?

I really should go home
sometime

to get some clothes
and face the music.

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

Uh... help think up a story.

You make John forget the time,
don't you?

Because they must be
beside themselves by now.

The victim
was a lovely person.

Small in stature and not,
as you might say, physically,

but due
to her peppy personality,

she was a good deal of fun
to be around.

We were always laughing it up.

And, you know,

I've been wrestling
with my conscience

in regards
to this $200,000 inheritance,

which now, due to
this tragic state of affairs,

I'm not sure if I'm still
in line to get it or not.

But if I do, I plan
to donate half to charity,

and half to my mother back East.

All right, now,
here's the true account

of how this all came about.

Do you want me to put it all
in a nutshell?

Oh, I'm having such doubts.

I always like to try
and at least present things

in as kind a light
as possible.

Because this is the man
I loved, after all.

Send him a card.

I just hate to be the cause

of a lot of bad feelings
all round.

Write him a note.

After Nick wrote the suicide note,

we then carried the victim out
and put her in the pond.

This pond?

Yes.

You tried to drown her
in this pond?

Just...
"This is to inform you

that certain things have..."
uh... that's all.

Have what?

Straight to the point.

Jack, I can't get you in.

Oh, that's swell, Jack.

Oscar, could we have you
pointing down at the pool?

Surely.

Everybody look down
at the pool.

Fine. Now hold it.

Good.
Very, very nice.

Oh, why did they have to go
and call the police?

Boohoo.

You know, I don't feel

I should be drawn
into a domestic scene here.

Okay, go ahead.
Then what?

Then we picked her up
and carried her back out here.

She was still alive
at the time?

She was still alive at the time.
Very much so.

Oh, I forgot the chicken.

Is this the note?

Uh, now, I don't know.
Is it?

I don't know anything
about any goddamn notes

because I didn't write
any notes.

What does it say?

"Dear Nicky,
this is to inform you

that things have changed."

- Some suicide note.
- Okay, hold it.

We then carried the victim
through the kitchen,

and out into the garage.

Who's that?

The victim.

Wait a moment, madam!

We are not
about to cause you harm.

Now, wait just a moment.

Why don't you just sit down here
and let me talk to you?

I'm Sergeant Power
of the second precinct.

I must inform you of a series
of somewhat bizarre events

which were confessed to me by the man
who is apparently your husband.

Both men were involved.

The gist of it,
according to the little guy,

is that,
attempting to make it look

like an accidental occurrence,

they went out
and purchased a poisonous snake

with the intention of using it
to bite you.

For some reason,
this failed to transpire...

Oh, no.

I would never believe that
in a million years.

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