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1
00:00:30,454 --> 00:00:31,998
Is the sweetheart you married...
2
00:00:32,081 --> 00:00:34,000
the husband
you expected him to be?
3
00:00:34,042 --> 00:00:35,293
Has the war created...
4
00:00:35,376 --> 00:00:37,629
new problems for you
in your marriage?
5
00:00:37,712 --> 00:00:39,715
To answer these
and other personal problems...
6
00:00:39,798 --> 00:00:41,300
John J. Anthony...
7
00:00:41,341 --> 00:00:43,969
founder of the famed
Marital Relations lnstitute...
8
00:00:44,053 --> 00:00:46,514
in a brand-new program
of daily sessions...
9
00:00:46,555 --> 00:00:48,391
of kindly
and helpful advice.
10
00:00:48,474 --> 00:00:51,144
Mr. Anthony, are you ready
for your first case?
11
00:00:51,227 --> 00:00:52,687
Quite ready, George.
12
00:00:52,729 --> 00:00:55,357
The first case
is that of Miss C.A.
13
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:58,985
All right. Let's go.
Your problem, please? Come in.
14
00:00:59,069 --> 00:01:02,656
Broadcasting's original
program of mediation...
15
00:01:02,740 --> 00:01:05,701
"The Court Of Human Relations."
16
00:01:05,743 --> 00:01:09,205
I wonder if we're not
losing sight of the fact...
17
00:01:09,247 --> 00:01:11,624
that the basic reality
of life...
18
00:01:11,708 --> 00:01:15,128
is not machinery
or politics or industry...
19
00:01:15,211 --> 00:01:19,278
or even rockets to the moon,
but human relationships.
20
00:01:25,890 --> 00:01:27,850
Tonight, one of the letters
I'll discuss...
21
00:01:27,892 --> 00:01:29,811
is this one
from a man who writes...
22
00:01:29,894 --> 00:01:31,813
"My second wife
is starting to resent me...
23
00:01:31,896 --> 00:01:34,107
"for all the things
I did with my first wife.
24
00:01:34,337 --> 00:01:36,735
"How can I convince her
that I love her...
25
00:01:36,818 --> 00:01:39,613
"and want us to have
many happy years together?"
26
00:01:39,759 --> 00:01:41,637
Please stay tuned.
27
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:45,161
Possibly you see these
as feminine qualities.
28
00:01:45,244 --> 00:01:47,163
Now, we all have
feminine qualities.
29
00:01:47,246 --> 00:01:49,999
We're a part
of male and female.
30
00:01:50,083 --> 00:01:52,669
Every man has a tiny vagina...
31
00:01:52,752 --> 00:01:55,005
and every woman
has a tiny penis--
32
00:01:55,088 --> 00:01:57,007
very, very tiny,
but it's there.
33
00:01:57,090 --> 00:01:59,009
We are part of a total whole...
34
00:01:59,092 --> 00:02:01,553
and if we accept this whole
within ourselves...
35
00:02:01,595 --> 00:02:04,348
then we can become
an entire person...
36
00:02:04,431 --> 00:02:07,351
and accept ourselves
and love ourselves...
37
00:02:07,435 --> 00:02:11,648
and become lovable so others
can love us as well.
38
00:02:14,192 --> 00:02:16,611
- Yes, that's right !
39
00:02:33,442 --> 00:02:38,072
- Burns, someone escaped.
- Oh, good.
40
00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:41,409
Goddamn it! How did Lopez
get out on that ledge?
41
00:02:41,451 --> 00:02:43,745
He stole Watkins' key
and opened the window.
42
00:02:43,787 --> 00:02:46,331
Wait a minute.
How did Lopez get that key?
43
00:02:46,415 --> 00:02:47,958
Was Watkins stoned again?
44
00:02:48,041 --> 00:02:49,960
Yes, sir.
- All right.
45
00:02:50,002 --> 00:02:52,630
Let's go bring in Lopez,
and you call Chuck...
46
00:02:52,713 --> 00:02:55,299
and tell him,
"Turn off this goddamn alarm!"
47
00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:57,176
It's driving me nuts!
48
00:02:57,260 --> 00:02:59,304
Hey, where are you going?
49
00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:03,141
I can't concentrate
with alarm bells going off.
50
00:03:03,224 --> 00:03:05,352
I got a friend
out on that ledge...
51
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:06,937
he's gonna be thrown into solitary.
52
00:03:06,979 --> 00:03:09,273
That's it. No more messing
around with the inmates.
53
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:11,692
I'm sticking to the doctors
and the guards.
54
00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:13,778
It won't be as much fun.
55
00:03:20,055 --> 00:03:20,785
Lopez !
56
00:03:21,202 --> 00:03:23,705
I want you to come in here
this instant.
57
00:03:23,809 --> 00:03:24,539
No !
58
00:03:24,623 --> 00:03:27,751
All right. Let's talk.
I'm here for you.
59
00:03:27,835 --> 00:03:29,211
I'm--I'm here to listen.
60
00:03:29,294 --> 00:03:31,797
Up yours, man.
- All right.
61
00:03:31,881 --> 00:03:34,467
What I hear you saying
is "Up mine, man."
62
00:03:34,550 --> 00:03:38,304
Up yours. Up yours. Up yours.
63
00:03:38,388 --> 00:03:42,142
OK. What I hear you saying
is a lot of up mines...
64
00:03:42,183 --> 00:03:43,685
and that's really good--
listen--
65
00:03:43,768 --> 00:03:47,314
because you're starting
to work out some of your anger.
66
00:03:47,397 --> 00:03:49,858
Go ahead, give it to me.
I can take it. I'm your man.
67
00:03:49,900 --> 00:03:51,360
You're full of shit.
68
00:03:51,402 --> 00:03:54,739
What I hear you saying--
- Hey, I hear me saying it, too!
69
00:03:54,822 --> 00:03:56,407
Now back the fuck off!
70
00:03:58,868 --> 00:04:00,370
I hear you.
71
00:04:01,997 --> 00:04:03,790
Goddamn it,
I thought I told you...
72
00:04:03,874 --> 00:04:05,751
to beef up
his dose of thorazine.
73
00:04:05,834 --> 00:04:08,379
I think we did.
- Yeah.
74
00:04:08,462 --> 00:04:11,966
Lopez, I'm your doctor!
Now get the hell off this ledge!
75
00:04:12,091 --> 00:04:12,904
Hi, Lopez !
76
00:04:13,009 --> 00:04:15,178
Burns?
- Burns!
77
00:04:15,261 --> 00:04:16,638
Dr. Baird! What the heck...
78
00:04:16,721 --> 00:04:18,765
are you two guys
doing out here tonight?
79
00:04:18,848 --> 00:04:20,350
Get out of here, Burns.
80
00:04:20,433 --> 00:04:23,353
I get it. You're having
a private therapy session.
81
00:04:23,395 --> 00:04:27,608
Burns, get back now!
- I want to talk to Burns.
82
00:04:27,691 --> 00:04:29,568
I don't give a shit
what you want, Lopez !
83
00:04:29,652 --> 00:04:32,238
That's very sensitive of you.
84
00:04:32,321 --> 00:04:37,076
Lawrence? May I speak with you
privately, inside?
85
00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:42,999
I can handle this.
86
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,585
What makes you think
you're qualified?
87
00:04:44,668 --> 00:04:45,794
This time, he's jumping.
88
00:04:45,878 --> 00:04:47,171
Next time,
he may be pushing others.
89
00:04:47,254 --> 00:04:50,216
He's a menace to society.
- Only if he falls on somebody.
90
00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:54,470
Burns, remember, I'm the doctor.
You're just an inmate.
91
00:04:54,554 --> 00:04:58,141
Yeah, Doctor. Now would you
please close the window?
92
00:05:13,533 --> 00:05:16,578
So, what's the thinking here, Lopez ?
93
00:05:16,619 --> 00:05:20,582
I'm thinking I can fly.
And if not, who gives a shit?
94
00:05:20,624 --> 00:05:24,837
And what about our dreams, man?
The dream of you and me...
95
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,672
playing for the Cubs
in the World Series?
96
00:05:26,755 --> 00:05:29,633
You're pitching. I'm catching.
Bases are jammed in the ninth.
97
00:05:29,675 --> 00:05:31,302
I call for the spitter.
98
00:05:31,385 --> 00:05:33,262
You hork up
an ungodly goober...
99
00:05:33,304 --> 00:05:35,056
fire it up, the bottom
drops out of the pitch.
100
00:05:35,139 --> 00:05:36,683
Mattingly strikes out!
101
00:05:36,766 --> 00:05:39,686
And when the dust clears, man,
it's you and me...
102
00:05:39,769 --> 00:05:43,106
sitting around
at Hef's in the grotto...
103
00:05:43,148 --> 00:05:45,943
with a bunch of ladies
named Miss February.
104
00:05:45,985 --> 00:05:49,196
No way, man.
- And why not?
105
00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:50,489
'Cause even in a dream...
106
00:05:50,573 --> 00:05:52,825
the Cubs can't win
a World Series.
107
00:05:52,909 --> 00:05:57,872
To hell with it. I'm jumping.
- Wait! Wait!
108
00:05:57,956 --> 00:05:59,958
Now, here's an aspect
of your death...
109
00:05:59,1000 --> 00:06:02,002
that you may have overlooked.
110
00:06:02,044 --> 00:06:04,004
You hate Dr. Baird, don't you?
111
00:06:04,046 --> 00:06:06,340
I hate the miserable bastard.
112
00:06:06,423 --> 00:06:08,175
Just think how awful
you could make him feel...
113
00:06:08,259 --> 00:06:10,136
if I can talk you
off this ledge...
114
00:06:10,177 --> 00:06:12,013
and succeed where he failed.
115
00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:28,072
Get in here, Burns.
- Wait a minute, Dr. Baird.
116
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,740
Now, all those people
down there...
117
00:06:29,824 --> 00:06:31,909
have come here
expecting someone to jump.
118
00:06:31,993 --> 00:06:34,913
And if nobody does,
they are going to leave here...
119
00:06:34,996 --> 00:06:36,456
with an empty, unsatisfied...
120
00:06:36,539 --> 00:06:38,291
what-is-the-point-of-my-job
kind of feeling.
121
00:06:38,375 --> 00:06:41,044
Do you know what I mean?
- No, and I don't care.
122
00:06:41,128 --> 00:06:44,006
Well, that's the difference
between you and me.
123
00:06:44,048 --> 00:06:48,386
I do care. And now...
124
00:06:48,469 --> 00:06:55,435
diving for the Cicero County
Correctional Mental Facility...
125
00:06:55,518 --> 00:06:58,772
John William Burns, Jr.
126
00:06:58,855 --> 00:07:05,905
Geronimo! Heads up!
127
00:07:22,089 --> 00:07:23,298
George?
128
00:07:27,970 --> 00:07:29,931
What?
129
00:07:29,972 --> 00:07:33,893
It's a beautiful day outside.
Don't you want to get up today?
130
00:07:34,498 --> 00:07:35,520
No.
131
00:07:36,271 --> 00:07:39,274
But you've been in bed
for two weeks.
132
00:07:39,358 --> 00:07:40,776
So?
133
00:07:40,859 --> 00:07:43,904
Well, you're a psychiatrist.
Don't you think that's odd?
134
00:07:44,019 --> 00:07:44,947
No.
135
00:07:45,448 --> 00:07:46,907
I brought you some lunch.
136
00:07:48,326 --> 00:07:51,829
George, I really think this is
one of your worst depressions.
137
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,293
Am I alone
in this marriage, Vera?
138
00:07:56,376 --> 00:07:58,128
How many times
do I have to tell you?
139
00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:01,256
I'm not depressed.
I just need space.
140
00:08:03,342 --> 00:08:06,262
What about your radio show
and your patients?
141
00:08:06,303 --> 00:08:09,140
Patients? With their
petty penis problems...
142
00:08:09,223 --> 00:08:12,769
and their empty
vaginal concerns?
143
00:08:12,811 --> 00:08:15,814
Those vampires
are sucking the life out of me!
144
00:08:15,897 --> 00:08:18,442
All right, I'm going to do
a little shopping.
145
00:08:18,525 --> 00:08:19,818
Can I get you anything?
146
00:08:22,488 --> 00:08:24,114
I love you.
147
00:08:24,156 --> 00:08:26,158
I can't deal with that, either.
148
00:08:34,167 --> 00:08:38,130
All right, George.
Time to say good-bye.
149
00:08:50,351 --> 00:08:52,645
Tell me something. When did
you two angels of mercy...
150
00:08:52,687 --> 00:08:54,314
first feel the burning need...
151
00:08:54,356 --> 00:08:55,732
to assist
the mentally handicapped?
152
00:08:55,816 --> 00:08:57,317
When we found out
we could hit them...
153
00:08:57,359 --> 00:08:58,485
without getting caught.
154
00:08:58,569 --> 00:09:00,779
Hi, Robin. How are you?
155
00:09:02,698 --> 00:09:06,661
He's all yours.
- I've heard that before.
156
00:09:15,504 --> 00:09:17,631
So, kid, you missed my dive.
157
00:09:17,714 --> 00:09:19,967
It was a classic.
But you'll be able...
158
00:09:20,050 --> 00:09:21,844
to see it
on the eleven o'clock news.
159
00:09:24,305 --> 00:09:28,393
Please, let me take you
away from all of this.
160
00:09:28,476 --> 00:09:30,353
I think my boss is planning...
161
00:09:30,395 --> 00:09:32,981
to take you away
from all of this.
162
00:09:34,566 --> 00:09:36,860
Dr. Lawrence Baird's office.
163
00:09:36,902 --> 00:09:39,196
I'm sorry,
Dr. Baird's no longer...
164
00:09:39,238 --> 00:09:40,781
connected with this institution
in any way...
165
00:09:40,864 --> 00:09:43,117
shape, fashion, or form.
166
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,913
He can be reached
at the Betty Ford Clinic.
167
00:09:46,996 --> 00:09:48,206
No, as a patient.
168
00:09:49,332 --> 00:09:52,085
What am I supposed to say
when they call back?
169
00:09:52,168 --> 00:09:53,295
Tell them the truth.
170
00:09:53,378 --> 00:09:55,547
He's a hopeless case.
He's never getting out.
171
00:09:55,630 --> 00:09:57,800
You embarrassed me.
172
00:09:57,883 --> 00:10:01,804
You embarrassed
the hospital, the staff...
173
00:10:01,887 --> 00:10:04,515
and the entire state
health care system...
174
00:10:04,599 --> 00:10:06,392
all for a cheap laugh.
175
00:10:06,434 --> 00:10:07,644
It was not cheap.
176
00:10:07,727 --> 00:10:11,773
It won't happen again, 'cause
you know what I got here?
177
00:10:11,856 --> 00:10:13,066
Your record.
178
00:10:13,108 --> 00:10:15,444
Great. Put on side two.
Let's rock.
179
00:10:15,527 --> 00:10:17,571
Now, that was cheap, sir,
by way of illustrating--
180
00:10:17,613 --> 00:10:19,156
Shut up.
181
00:10:19,239 --> 00:10:23,411
Thrown out of Cornell.
Dumped by the Army.
182
00:10:23,452 --> 00:10:27,457
Sentenced to four years
in Joliet for computer fraud.
183
00:10:27,540 --> 00:10:29,250
I'm a pathetic
human being, sir...
184
00:10:29,292 --> 00:10:32,420
a pathological misfit
with delusions of grandeur.
185
00:10:32,462 --> 00:10:34,297
I think Jung said it best,
or perhaps it was from...
186
00:10:34,381 --> 00:10:35,841
"The Anatomy of
Human Destructiveness--"
187
00:10:35,924 --> 00:10:38,927
A little learning
is a dangerous thing.
188
00:10:38,969 --> 00:10:40,971
Do I at least get points
for self-knowledge?
189
00:10:41,013 --> 00:10:43,850
No. What you get, Mr. Smart Ass...
190
00:10:43,933 --> 00:10:46,144
is your transfer
back to prison.
191
00:10:50,148 --> 00:10:53,610
Doesn't take too much
to shut you up, does it?
192
00:10:53,694 --> 00:10:55,904
You're here because
you were able to convince...
193
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:58,991
a bleeding-heart warden
that you were crazy.
194
00:10:59,074 --> 00:11:03,079
I know you're not crazy.
195
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:07,166
You're just another asshole
looking for a way out.
196
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:11,463
Now, this order
is undated and unsigned...
197
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:15,008
and it stays that way
if you behave.
198
00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:18,304
If not,
your ass is back in prison.
199
00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:19,847
Need I say more?
200
00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:22,975
- Actually, George, I think
we can contain this problem.
201
00:11:23,017 --> 00:11:25,645
You're not broadcasting
for a couple of days.
202
00:11:25,687 --> 00:11:28,022
I'll just get the P.R. guys
to start deflecting the flack.
203
00:11:28,106 --> 00:11:29,691
I did not have
a nervous breakdown...
204
00:11:29,774 --> 00:11:31,318
and I did not try
to kill myself.
205
00:11:31,401 --> 00:11:33,153
I'm simply a man who,
under a lot of stress...
206
00:11:33,195 --> 00:11:34,613
took a few too many valium.
207
00:11:34,696 --> 00:11:37,908
lt was twenty-seven.
- Were you actually counting?
208
00:11:37,992 --> 00:11:40,703
I'm a big fan of yours,
Dr. Maitlin.
209
00:11:40,786 --> 00:11:41,996
My name is Klevin...
210
00:11:42,038 --> 00:11:44,540
and I really think
your radio show is special.
211
00:11:44,624 --> 00:11:45,792
Thank you.
212
00:11:45,875 --> 00:11:48,712
You saved my life one time.
- Really? I did?
213
00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:50,505
I was living in one of those...
214
00:11:50,589 --> 00:11:52,341
depressing apartments
in North Hollywood.
215
00:11:52,424 --> 00:11:54,384
It was one of those hot
July eighth kind of--
216
00:11:54,468 --> 00:11:55,719
You know what, Klevin?
217
00:11:55,803 --> 00:11:57,513
I really can't cope
with this right now.
218
00:11:57,596 --> 00:11:58,973
I'm under
a tremendous amount of stress.
219
00:11:59,056 --> 00:12:00,433
Get me out of here.
220
00:12:04,938 --> 00:12:06,231
- - Dr. Rosenberg...
221
00:12:06,314 --> 00:12:07,857
I've got to get out of L.A.
222
00:12:07,941 --> 00:12:10,694
I'm being constantly recognized.
I'm not getting any rest.
223
00:12:10,735 --> 00:12:12,738
You're in no shape
to go anywhere.
224
00:12:12,821 --> 00:12:14,531
Actually, George has a point.
225
00:12:14,615 --> 00:12:16,617
People find out
he's at a you-know-what...
226
00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:18,244
and tried to commit
you-know-what...
227
00:12:18,327 --> 00:12:19,704
it would be very bad
for business.
228
00:12:19,745 --> 00:12:21,205
Harvey, book me to London.
229
00:12:21,247 --> 00:12:23,624
Tell everybody that I'm off
on a six-month sabbatical...
230
00:12:23,708 --> 00:12:25,502
to do research on my next book.
231
00:12:25,585 --> 00:12:28,463
Do you think you're in any
kind of shape to write a book?
232
00:12:28,546 --> 00:12:31,591
There's no book.
It's just a business lie.
233
00:12:31,842 --> 00:12:32,801
Oh, Dr. Maitlin...
234
00:12:32,885 --> 00:12:34,052
What?
235
00:12:34,136 --> 00:12:37,181
Was there something wrong
with the service?
236
00:12:37,264 --> 00:12:40,059
Did I offend you in some way?
- What do you want?
237
00:12:40,142 --> 00:12:42,353
The gratuity was a bit scarce.
238
00:12:42,437 --> 00:12:45,190
I see. You want more money?
239
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:50,737
Leeches! This is what you get
for saving somebody's life!
240
00:12:50,779 --> 00:12:53,615
They want more, more--more time,
more money, more love!
241
00:12:53,699 --> 00:12:54,825
We'll pay for it.
242
00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:57,912
Is everyone all right
except the waiter?
243
00:12:57,995 --> 00:13:01,290
Maybe it would be a good idea
to get George out of town.
244
00:13:01,374 --> 00:13:04,398
Thank you, Vera.
- You're welcome, George.
245
00:13:04,961 --> 00:13:07,213
I need to find a replacement--
246
00:13:07,297 --> 00:13:09,633
someone from
a mediocre medical school.
247
00:13:09,716 --> 00:13:11,760
Someone who can
take over my practice...
248
00:13:11,802 --> 00:13:14,013
without really curing anyone.
249
00:13:14,096 --> 00:13:16,849
Someone who can continue
my radio show...
250
00:13:16,932 --> 00:13:19,268
without helping anyone
and making me look bad.
251
00:13:19,352 --> 00:13:20,937
In other words, a bum.
252
00:13:20,978 --> 00:13:23,982
Right, but make sure
it's an out-of-state bum.
253
00:13:24,023 --> 00:13:25,233
Why?
254
00:13:25,316 --> 00:13:27,277
Why? Because every therapist
in this town...
255
00:13:27,319 --> 00:13:29,738
is insanely jealous of me.
256
00:13:32,574 --> 00:13:34,660
Find me some convention
in London...
257
00:13:34,743 --> 00:13:36,871
so I can write it off.
258
00:13:38,289 --> 00:13:41,376
I just want to go to sleep.
259
00:13:49,676 --> 00:13:52,596
Fastball.
- Good.
260
00:13:52,679 --> 00:13:54,306
Peace.
261
00:13:54,390 --> 00:13:56,350
If you're gonna play
in the Major Leagues...
262
00:13:56,434 --> 00:13:58,019
you've got to learn
what the signals are.
263
00:13:58,102 --> 00:14:01,481
This is important, OK?
Now...
264
00:14:01,522 --> 00:14:02,899
Spitball.
- Good.
265
00:14:02,982 --> 00:14:04,150
- Happy hour.
266
00:14:04,192 --> 00:14:06,027
Look, you're interrupting
the game, all right?
267
00:14:06,111 --> 00:14:08,155
Now get off the field.
268
00:14:08,238 --> 00:14:09,990
Open your mouth.
269
00:14:10,032 --> 00:14:11,909
You know how I enjoy
opening it for you.
270
00:14:11,992 --> 00:14:13,827
Well, I'm going to hydrotherapy.
271
00:14:13,869 --> 00:14:18,833
Watkins, I'm so sorry!
I accidentally did that.
272
00:14:18,875 --> 00:14:23,338
But now I'm dancing on them.
I'm right out of control!
273
00:14:23,421 --> 00:14:24,881
Help me.
274
00:14:24,923 --> 00:14:27,926
Sunlight comes at daytime
275
00:14:28,010 --> 00:14:31,847
And the moonlight comes
at night
276
00:14:33,891 --> 00:14:36,519
You call my name
277
00:14:36,602 --> 00:14:39,856
And I get a fever
when you hold me tight
278
00:14:39,897 --> 00:14:42,192
You give me fever
279
00:14:42,233 --> 00:14:44,110
Fever
280
00:14:49,241 --> 00:14:52,411
It's so wrong. He's my husband.
281
00:14:52,494 --> 00:14:54,330
You're his lawyer
and best friend.
282
00:14:54,413 --> 00:14:56,207
From now on,
just think of me as his lawyer.
283
00:14:57,750 --> 00:15:01,212
What if George's depression
is because he knows about us?
284
00:15:01,296 --> 00:15:02,589
Did he say anything?
- No.
285
00:15:02,672 --> 00:15:06,384
Good!
- What are you doing?
286
00:15:06,468 --> 00:15:09,054
All I can think about
is having you on my desk.
287
00:15:09,137 --> 00:15:12,224
It's so wrong.
- I'm so tired of what's right.
288
00:15:21,776 --> 00:15:25,489
Are you all right?
- No, we're not all right.
289
00:15:25,572 --> 00:15:28,325
Thank you.
You've been very helpful.
290
00:15:28,408 --> 00:15:29,743
Not at all.
291
00:15:33,122 --> 00:15:36,042
Is that a Chloe or a Montana?
292
00:15:36,125 --> 00:15:40,234
It's a Gee Kee.
- Outrageous.
293
00:15:42,465 --> 00:15:44,092
This ought to cheer you up.
294
00:15:45,302 --> 00:15:47,137
I think I found
the perfect guy.
295
00:15:47,220 --> 00:15:49,515
He's in Chicago.
- Good. Who is he?
296
00:15:49,598 --> 00:15:52,101
His name's Dr. Lawrence Baird.
He's chief psychiatrist...
297
00:15:52,143 --> 00:15:54,645
for the Cicero County
Corrections Mental Facility--
298
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:56,230
a real dump,
which ought to satisfy...
299
00:15:56,314 --> 00:15:57,732
Maitlin's
out-of-state requirements.
300
00:15:57,815 --> 00:15:58,942
That's good.
- Secondly...
301
00:15:59,025 --> 00:16:00,860
he wrote his doctoral thesis
on Maitlin's theory...
302
00:16:00,944 --> 00:16:03,697
of psychocerebral equilibrium,
so he's in alignment...
303
00:16:03,780 --> 00:16:05,031
with Maitlin's
theoretical approach.
304
00:16:05,115 --> 00:16:07,659
Perfect. Is he too smart?
305
00:16:07,743 --> 00:16:10,162
He graduated from
Florida State University...
306
00:16:10,204 --> 00:16:11,664
with a C-plus average.
307
00:16:11,747 --> 00:16:13,290
The guy's lucky to be working.
308
00:16:18,087 --> 00:16:20,757
The sleeves on this jacket
are awfully long.
309
00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:23,218
I always like to show
a little linen at the cuff.
310
00:16:23,301 --> 00:16:25,095
You're a smart ass...
311
00:16:25,178 --> 00:16:27,431
and you'll always be
a smart ass.
312
00:16:27,514 --> 00:16:31,018
Now your smart ass
is going back to prison.
313
00:16:31,101 --> 00:16:32,645
They won't take me.
314
00:16:32,687 --> 00:16:35,022
You convinced them
you were crazy.
315
00:16:35,106 --> 00:16:39,152
You were "eating paint chips
off the windowsills...
316
00:16:39,194 --> 00:16:42,239
"and licking dust
off the tops of radiators."
317
00:16:42,322 --> 00:16:44,866
That part was easy.
Then I got really carried away.
318
00:16:44,950 --> 00:16:46,869
You know,
paper clips, plastic forks...
319
00:16:46,952 --> 00:16:50,247
Kleenex, Naugahyde.
- An epicure! Good!
320
00:16:50,331 --> 00:16:52,333
I think I can arrange
a loaf of bread...
321
00:16:52,375 --> 00:16:54,627
a jug of water,
and thou licking the floor...
322
00:16:54,710 --> 00:16:56,587
of maximum solitary.
323
00:16:56,671 --> 00:17:00,258
I'm impressed. You have
quite a way with words.
324
00:17:00,342 --> 00:17:02,177
One would think you'd be
thought of around here...
325
00:17:02,219 --> 00:17:04,346
as a poet instead of
an ignorant, puffed-up...
326
00:17:04,388 --> 00:17:05,889
smidgen of blowfish shit.
327
00:17:13,397 --> 00:17:16,776
A self-destructive need
to defy authority.
328
00:17:16,859 --> 00:17:19,404
Now that's convincing.
329
00:17:19,487 --> 00:17:22,407
Come to think of it,
Joliet isn't really...
330
00:17:22,449 --> 00:17:24,534
the right environment for you.
331
00:17:24,576 --> 00:17:28,789
You require something
more specialized.
332
00:17:28,873 --> 00:17:31,834
They've got
this endorphin research...
333
00:17:31,917 --> 00:17:34,337
going on
at Stateville Sanitarium.
334
00:17:34,420 --> 00:17:36,965
Research? That's very exciting!
335
00:17:37,048 --> 00:17:39,718
Plenty of long needles
and heavy sedation.
336
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:40,886
Trouble is...
337
00:17:40,969 --> 00:17:44,306
they need maximum-risk
psychopathic patients.
338
00:17:44,389 --> 00:17:47,101
They'll be happy to hear
I found them one.
339
00:17:47,184 --> 00:17:49,728
Where is he?
I'd love to meet him.
340
00:17:49,770 --> 00:17:52,356
A subject
for all those experiments...
341
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,233
they want to do on you...
342
00:17:54,275 --> 00:17:57,987
for the rest
of your four-year stretch.
343
00:17:59,030 --> 00:18:00,240
And with you out of my way...
344
00:18:00,282 --> 00:18:01,742
I can take my vacation
in peace.
345
00:18:09,125 --> 00:18:13,129
Lopez is screaming his head off
in solitary.
346
00:18:13,212 --> 00:18:14,631
Don't go away.
347
00:18:14,672 --> 00:18:16,674
I'm not quite finished with you.
348
00:18:57,552 --> 00:18:59,221
May I speak to Dr. Baird,
please?
349
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:00,680
This is Dr. Baird.
350
00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:03,475
I hope you don't mind.
I'm using my speaker phone.
351
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:04,935
Not at all.
This is Harvey Michaels.
352
00:19:05,019 --> 00:19:06,604
I'm the attorney
for the Greater Los Angeles...
353
00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:08,230
Neuro-Psychiatric Society.
354
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:11,067
I'm calling on behalf
of Dr. George Maitlin.
355
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,276
Never heard of him.
356
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,487
Didn't you do
your doctoral thesis...
357
00:19:14,571 --> 00:19:17,532
on Maitlin's theory
of psychocerebral equilibrium?
358
00:19:17,574 --> 00:19:22,204
Oh, that Maitlin.
How is the old fraud?
359
00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:24,123
Dr. Maitlin had to leave
suddenly for Europe...
360
00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:25,457
and he asked me to find
a replacement for him...
361
00:19:25,541 --> 00:19:26,667
while he was away.
362
00:19:26,709 --> 00:19:29,337
What kind of money
are we talking about here?
363
00:19:29,420 --> 00:19:31,506
Let's just say
that Dr. Maitlin...
364
00:19:31,589 --> 00:19:33,383
has about
the most successful practice...
365
00:19:33,466 --> 00:19:34,592
in Southern California.
366
00:19:34,676 --> 00:19:36,011
I don't like
that word "about"...
367
00:19:36,094 --> 00:19:37,846
especially when
we're talking about money.
368
00:19:37,929 --> 00:19:39,848
Could you volunteer
a few numbers?
369
00:19:39,890 --> 00:19:43,102
I'd say Dr. Maitlin
makes in the vicinity of--
370
00:19:43,185 --> 00:19:46,021
give or take a few dollars--
a million a year.
371
00:19:46,105 --> 00:19:48,941
Are you there, doctor?
372
00:19:49,025 --> 00:19:51,861
I'm here, Harvey,
but I'm coming there.
373
00:19:51,944 --> 00:19:55,407
Great! When can you start?
- ls tomorrow too late?
374
00:19:55,448 --> 00:19:57,284
I need to get released
from a few things.
375
00:19:57,367 --> 00:19:58,827
He'll be here tomorrow.
376
00:19:58,910 --> 00:20:01,580
Shouldn't we tell him
about the radio show?
377
00:20:01,663 --> 00:20:03,540
I don't want to scare him off.
He's perfect.
378
00:20:03,582 --> 00:20:06,377
Greedy and dumb--
my favorite combination.
379
00:20:06,419 --> 00:20:08,129
Are you there?
380
00:20:08,212 --> 00:20:10,047
We're all set.
We're all set, Doctor.
381
00:20:10,089 --> 00:20:11,466
I'm going to leave
a ticket for you...
382
00:20:11,549 --> 00:20:13,384
at Continental--
first class, of course.
383
00:20:13,468 --> 00:20:14,761
Only way to go!
384
00:20:14,844 --> 00:20:17,222
It'll be a great pleasure
to meet you.
385
00:20:17,264 --> 00:20:18,557
Just call me Larry.
386
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:21,226
He wants us to call him Larry.
387
00:20:21,268 --> 00:20:23,062
What was that all about?
388
00:20:23,145 --> 00:20:26,357
My future.
Here, get me out of this.
389
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,359
You must be joking.
- Just for five minutes.
390
00:20:28,442 --> 00:20:29,902
But Baird could be back
any second.
391
00:20:29,944 --> 00:20:31,112
That's why we have to hurry.
392
00:20:31,195 --> 00:20:35,617
Gentlemen, aren't you
supposed to be at your station?
393
00:20:35,659 --> 00:20:38,078
Lunch.
- Official break.
394
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:39,454
That's a new one.
395
00:20:47,672 --> 00:20:50,091
You're stealing
my ambulance pager.
396
00:20:50,133 --> 00:20:53,178
I'm not. I'm redesigning it.
May I have a hairpin, please?
397
00:20:55,430 --> 00:20:57,516
You're such a crook.
398
00:20:59,810 --> 00:21:01,645
Hurry, please!
399
00:21:03,439 --> 00:21:07,109
You didn't know
I was this good with my hands.
400
00:21:07,151 --> 00:21:08,528
Yes, I did.
401
00:21:09,654 --> 00:21:10,822
Hurry!
402
00:21:16,828 --> 00:21:18,622
Dr. Baird's office.
403
00:21:18,664 --> 00:21:21,458
I love you, baby.
404
00:21:25,713 --> 00:21:27,381
Are you planning to escape?
405
00:21:27,465 --> 00:21:29,884
Let's call it
unauthorized egress.
406
00:21:29,968 --> 00:21:31,553
That's where
your pager comes in.
407
00:21:31,636 --> 00:21:34,097
And my hairpin.
- Get that so he can't see it.
408
00:21:36,433 --> 00:21:38,268
Even if you made it
out of the building...
409
00:21:38,352 --> 00:21:40,396
how do you expect
to get past the guard gate?
410
00:21:40,479 --> 00:21:44,775
Well, Robin,
that's where you come in.
411
00:21:44,859 --> 00:21:46,986
I was hoping
that you could park your car...
412
00:21:47,028 --> 00:21:49,530
out front with the keys
above the sun visor?
413
00:21:49,614 --> 00:21:52,867
You're crazy.
- Not according to Dr. Baird.
414
00:22:01,377 --> 00:22:04,505
Any calls?
- It's been very quiet.
415
00:22:08,509 --> 00:22:12,097
Thanks to you
and your little tap dance...
416
00:22:12,180 --> 00:22:15,225
Lopez is now doing
his carrot impression.
417
00:22:18,771 --> 00:22:20,856
You'll be out of here tomorrow.
418
00:22:20,940 --> 00:22:22,691
I sure hope so.
419
00:22:30,825 --> 00:22:32,619
It's all set.
420
00:22:34,413 --> 00:22:35,747
You're excused.
421
00:23:01,901 --> 00:23:03,611
Jack, this is Dr. Baird.
422
00:23:03,694 --> 00:23:05,780
Would you and Phil
please come to my office?
423
00:23:05,863 --> 00:23:07,073
Yes, sir. Right away.
424
00:23:07,156 --> 00:23:08,741
I've been
much too harsh on you...
425
00:23:08,825 --> 00:23:09,951
for these minor infractions.
426
00:23:10,035 --> 00:23:12,746
Come down to my office
immediately.
427
00:23:12,829 --> 00:23:15,290
Baird's off his rocker.
428
00:23:19,378 --> 00:23:23,174
- Security.
Chuck, Jack Watkins here.
429
00:23:23,257 --> 00:23:25,051
What the hell's
going on down there?
430
00:23:25,134 --> 00:23:26,844
Baird's up with
the goddamn catatonics...
431
00:23:26,928 --> 00:23:28,888
and the alarm bells
are going off.
432
00:23:28,972 --> 00:23:30,473
- I don't get any signal
down here.
433
00:23:30,515 --> 00:23:33,518
- They're all turned off.
No, they ain't.
434
00:23:33,602 --> 00:23:35,020
They're ringing.
I can hear 'em.
435
00:23:35,103 --> 00:23:37,106
And Baird's having
a hot-dipped shit fit.
436
00:23:37,189 --> 00:23:40,443
- Nobody's flashing.
Don't tell me goddamn nothing.
437
00:23:40,484 --> 00:23:42,737
Them alarm bells are ringing.
Now get to that main terminal...
438
00:23:42,820 --> 00:23:45,198
and turn off
the main switch right now.
439
00:24:08,056 --> 00:24:09,641
He ain't there.
440
00:24:09,683 --> 00:24:11,518
He gets weirder all the time.
441
00:25:06,202 --> 00:25:07,454
Good evening.
442
00:25:07,537 --> 00:25:09,289
I believe you have
a prepaid ticket for Baird.
443
00:25:10,415 --> 00:25:12,417
B-a-i-r-d? Right?
444
00:25:15,004 --> 00:25:19,800
Dr. Baird?
- Yeah. Doctor. That's me.
445
00:25:19,884 --> 00:25:21,969
I'm that doctor.
That's my ticket.
446
00:25:22,053 --> 00:25:23,721
All set, Dr. Baird.
447
00:25:23,805 --> 00:25:25,932
Your flight will be boarding
at gate seven.
448
00:25:26,015 --> 00:25:28,518
Just what the doctor ordered--
this doctor.
449
00:25:33,315 --> 00:25:35,776
Sir?
- No handcuffs.
450
00:25:35,859 --> 00:25:37,069
Can I have your name, please?
451
00:25:37,153 --> 00:25:40,781
Uh, Baird. Lawrence Baird.
452
00:25:40,865 --> 00:25:42,909
Dr. Lawrence Baird.
453
00:25:42,951 --> 00:25:44,577
Can I offer you anything,
Dr. Baird?
454
00:25:44,619 --> 00:25:47,330
A bag of macadamia nuts,
all your available cheeses...
455
00:25:47,414 --> 00:25:49,249
a dozen raspberries
with creme fraiche...
456
00:25:49,332 --> 00:25:50,792
and a double shot
of Black Bush.
457
00:25:50,876 --> 00:25:52,920
On top of the raspberries?
- No, I'll take it neat.
458
00:25:53,003 --> 00:25:54,630
Neat?
- No ice.
459
00:25:54,713 --> 00:25:58,801
Then the filet mignon--rare--
and the duck and the fish.
460
00:25:58,884 --> 00:26:00,845
Blanket, pillow,
eye shades, a pair of...
461
00:26:05,225 --> 00:26:07,978
So, the guy turns to the lady,
and he says...
462
00:26:08,061 --> 00:26:09,771
"Lady, you look like
a very nice woman.
463
00:26:09,855 --> 00:26:12,149
"Where are you from?"
She says, "I'm from Queens."
464
00:26:12,232 --> 00:26:14,735
He says, "Queens? I'm from
natural parents myself."
465
00:26:14,818 --> 00:26:17,488
Speaking of queens,
you are two genuine queens.
466
00:26:17,571 --> 00:26:18,906
And so are you--just kidding.
467
00:26:18,990 --> 00:26:20,700
Captain, thanks for
letting me sit in your lap.
468
00:26:20,783 --> 00:26:22,744
I felt like an 8-year-old kid.
Really. All right.
469
00:26:24,162 --> 00:26:26,665
Hey! I'm Baird.
470
00:26:26,748 --> 00:26:29,209
I'm Dr. Baird. Where you going?
471
00:26:29,292 --> 00:26:32,171
Hey, you! With the sign!
472
00:26:32,254 --> 00:26:34,340
Luscious one! I'm the man...
473
00:26:34,423 --> 00:26:36,133
you've been waiting for
your whole life.
474
00:26:36,217 --> 00:26:38,177
Aren't you supposed to pick up
Dr. Lawrence Baird?
475
00:26:38,261 --> 00:26:40,763
Yes.
-That's me, Dr. Baird.
476
00:26:40,847 --> 00:26:44,350
I just saw my name
on your sign.
477
00:26:44,434 --> 00:26:46,311
Should I give you
my fingerprint chart?
478
00:26:46,353 --> 00:26:48,605
Do I have to call security?
479
00:26:48,689 --> 00:26:50,107
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
480
00:26:50,190 --> 00:26:51,942
I was contacted
by Harvey Michaels.
481
00:26:52,025 --> 00:26:54,987
I'm supposed to be filling in
for Dr. George Maitlin.
482
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,494
You're not what
I was expecting.
483
00:27:01,578 --> 00:27:06,416
I'm just dressed a little
hipper than you thought, huh?
484
00:27:06,500 --> 00:27:08,085
What, this look
hasn't hit L.A.?
485
00:27:08,168 --> 00:27:11,755
It's the newest trend--
inner city funk.
486
00:27:11,839 --> 00:27:15,593
I'm Maitlin's associate,
Dr. Rollins.
487
00:27:15,676 --> 00:27:18,054
Did the plane crash?
Am I in heaven?
488
00:27:18,137 --> 00:27:20,848
I must be dreaming. Pinch me.
Or better yet, I'll pinch you.
489
00:27:20,932 --> 00:27:22,058
The car's outside...
490
00:27:22,142 --> 00:27:23,351
so if you'll give me
your claim checks...
491
00:27:23,393 --> 00:27:25,061
I'll have your bags picked up.
492
00:27:25,145 --> 00:27:27,689
No bags. Mugged in Chicago.
493
00:27:27,773 --> 00:27:29,191
Really?
494
00:27:29,274 --> 00:27:31,026
Right in long-term parking
at the airport.
495
00:27:31,068 --> 00:27:33,028
Three guys this big.
One had his arm around my neck.
496
00:27:33,070 --> 00:27:34,363
The other
went through my pockets.
497
00:27:34,405 --> 00:27:36,699
And what did the third do?
- He encouraged them.
498
00:27:37,867 --> 00:27:40,286
Trees suffer, too...
499
00:27:40,370 --> 00:27:43,790
palm, elm,
oleander, eucalyptus.
500
00:27:43,873 --> 00:27:47,294
You ladies care to save
the eucalypti?
501
00:27:47,377 --> 00:27:49,797
Listen to
the high-frequency sounds...
502
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:52,508
they make
when they're being cut!
503
00:27:52,591 --> 00:27:55,803
I'd like you to meet
Oscar Hendricks.
504
00:27:55,886 --> 00:27:59,766
He's the station manager and
producer of your radio show.
505
00:27:59,849 --> 00:28:01,059
Radio show?
506
00:28:01,100 --> 00:28:03,603
Welcome to L.A., Doctor.
Where's your luggage?
507
00:28:03,687 --> 00:28:05,105
Dr. Baird has no luggage.
508
00:28:05,188 --> 00:28:07,774
We can go straight
to the Bel Air.
509
00:28:07,858 --> 00:28:09,067
Excuse us.
- Doctor?
510
00:28:09,109 --> 00:28:12,947
Sir? You hear that noise?
511
00:28:13,030 --> 00:28:15,157
Those are
ultrahigh frequency sounds...
512
00:28:15,241 --> 00:28:16,659
made by ivy weeping...
513
00:28:16,742 --> 00:28:21,247
during a cross-pollination
experimentation at U.C. Davis.
514
00:28:21,331 --> 00:28:23,416
Who speaks for horticulture?
515
00:28:23,500 --> 00:28:26,378
- Doctor, you certainly--
Look, ease up on me, pal.
516
00:28:26,461 --> 00:28:28,422
I'm just beginning
to enjoy my jet lag.
517
00:28:28,464 --> 00:28:30,215
I know you're busy.
518
00:28:30,299 --> 00:28:32,968
Only God can make a tree,
but only you can spare one.
519
00:28:33,052 --> 00:28:34,470
My friend,
I think at this juncture...
520
00:28:34,512 --> 00:28:35,930
I should explain something
to you.
521
00:28:35,972 --> 00:28:38,600
I was born in a lovely
little Midwestern town--
522
00:28:38,641 --> 00:28:40,602
Webster City, lowa.
Maybe you know it.
523
00:28:40,643 --> 00:28:43,480
Lived on a quiet street,
beautiful little white house.
524
00:28:43,563 --> 00:28:44,940
Outside my bedroom window...
525
00:28:44,981 --> 00:28:47,526
there was a spectacular,
huge, giant elm tree.
526
00:28:47,609 --> 00:28:49,403
One night,
there was a fierce hailstorm.
527
00:28:49,486 --> 00:28:51,280
That tree was hit by lightning
and fell.
528
00:28:51,322 --> 00:28:55,827
Took out half the house
and killed my puppy Dwayne.
529
00:28:55,910 --> 00:29:00,123
Ever since then, no plant
has been a friend of mine.
530
00:29:00,165 --> 00:29:02,626
Wait a second, Doctor.
Wait a second.
531
00:29:02,667 --> 00:29:05,754
Those pants look familiar.
That stripe down there--
532
00:29:05,837 --> 00:29:07,130
Of course
they look familiar to you...
533
00:29:07,172 --> 00:29:09,300
if you've got a subscription
to "Gentlemen's Quarterly."
534
00:29:09,383 --> 00:29:12,011
And incidentally, they grind up
twenty-five maples...
535
00:29:12,094 --> 00:29:13,346
for the September issue.
536
00:29:13,429 --> 00:29:15,139
Did you hear that, everybody?
537
00:29:15,181 --> 00:29:18,476
A doctor who won't help
his little green friends.
538
00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:21,646
Don't you know
that no man is so tall...
539
00:29:21,688 --> 00:29:23,231
as when he stoops
to pet a plant?
540
00:29:23,315 --> 00:29:27,069
I'm sorry.
You'll have to keep moving.
541
00:29:27,152 --> 00:29:29,655
I'm sorry.
- This is police brutality!
542
00:29:29,738 --> 00:29:32,867
How does it feel
to be uprooted?
543
00:29:32,950 --> 00:29:35,077
Put me down!
544
00:29:35,161 --> 00:29:36,913
Let go of me, will you?
545
00:29:36,996 --> 00:29:39,833
How long have you been
a policeman? Help!
546
00:29:39,874 --> 00:29:41,334
Help! Police brutality!
547
00:29:41,376 --> 00:29:42,586
Is this really necessary?
548
00:29:42,669 --> 00:29:47,007
All of a sudden, the rich
Beverly Hills doctor cares.
549
00:29:47,091 --> 00:29:48,217
Isn't that touching?
550
00:29:48,300 --> 00:29:49,718
Do you want to press charges?
551
00:29:49,802 --> 00:29:52,805
You bet I do.
This man's a menace to society.
552
00:29:52,888 --> 00:29:54,348
All right. Come on.
553
00:29:54,390 --> 00:29:56,017
What did you think
about his display...
554
00:29:56,059 --> 00:29:59,354
of negative delusionary
fixations about plant life?
555
00:29:59,437 --> 00:30:01,773
I believe in
the secret life of plants.
556
00:30:01,857 --> 00:30:04,234
In fact,
I consulted on that book.
557
00:30:04,318 --> 00:30:06,528
So where are they gonna
take him, anyway?
558
00:30:06,570 --> 00:30:09,782
If he's lucky,
L.A. County Psychiatric.
559
00:30:09,865 --> 00:30:11,867
He's not crazy.
560
00:30:11,951 --> 00:30:14,787
That's a pretty speedy
diagnosis, Doctor.
561
00:30:14,871 --> 00:30:17,123
Antisocial behavior
just happens to be...
562
00:30:17,207 --> 00:30:18,625
my professional specialty.
563
00:30:18,708 --> 00:30:23,213
You have lunch with Michaels
at the hotel at 12:00.
564
00:30:23,296 --> 00:30:25,883
That's good, because
there's nothing in here.
565
00:30:25,924 --> 00:30:27,760
Well, I didn't expect
you wanted anything...
566
00:30:27,843 --> 00:30:29,470
at nine o'clock in the morning.
567
00:30:29,553 --> 00:30:31,764
You forgot.
It's later back east.
568
00:30:35,184 --> 00:30:36,603
Well, after lunch--
569
00:30:36,686 --> 00:30:37,812
What's the number at the hotel?
570
00:30:37,896 --> 00:30:40,398
What?
- What's the number of the hotel?
571
00:30:40,482 --> 00:30:42,150
472-1 21 1!
572
00:30:42,234 --> 00:30:45,446
Turned out to be
just your old gym socks.
573
00:30:45,529 --> 00:30:48,157
Then at 3:30,
you'll be at the radio station!
574
00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:51,077
Is it like a panel show--
me with a bunch other doctors?
575
00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:52,703
It's a call-in show...
576
00:30:52,787 --> 00:30:53,996
Mondays, Wednesdays,
and Fridays.
577
00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:55,498
...vending-machine photo
of you and Sally...
578
00:30:55,582 --> 00:30:59,794
and a partially used box
of Mentor condoms.
579
00:30:59,878 --> 00:31:01,338
My favorite brand.
580
00:31:01,421 --> 00:31:03,382
It made me proud to think
that my son...
581
00:31:03,465 --> 00:31:05,843
is one of those people
who can have his cake...
582
00:31:05,926 --> 00:31:09,096
and eat it, too.
Son, I'm proud of you.
583
00:31:09,180 --> 00:31:12,600
And I'm proud
of your choice of condoms.
584
00:31:12,642 --> 00:31:13,768
Love, Dad.
585
00:31:13,851 --> 00:31:15,603
This is Dr. Baird.
586
00:31:15,687 --> 00:31:17,355
I'll be checking in shortly,
and I wondered...
587
00:31:17,439 --> 00:31:20,275
if could you send
some things to my room?
588
00:31:20,358 --> 00:31:24,488
Well, how about a case
of Millers, ice cold...
589
00:31:24,571 --> 00:31:27,867
and a pound of Beluga caviar.
590
00:31:27,950 --> 00:31:31,621
Do you think one pound of
caviar will be enough, Doctor?
591
00:31:31,662 --> 00:31:34,082
Maybe you're right. Make that
two pounds of caviar...
592
00:31:34,165 --> 00:31:35,792
and throw in some cheese puffs.
593
00:31:41,757 --> 00:31:43,509
- What are those
big white things?
594
00:31:43,592 --> 00:31:46,345
They're swans.
They belong to the hotel.
595
00:31:46,428 --> 00:31:47,847
- Are they dangerous?
Hardly.
596
00:31:47,930 --> 00:31:51,476
- That's right,
and a pair of shoes, size ten.
597
00:31:51,559 --> 00:31:54,521
10 1/2 "D" wide.
- 10 1/2 "D" wide.
598
00:31:54,562 --> 00:31:56,856
Boots.
- Make that boots.
599
00:31:56,940 --> 00:31:59,067
With corn pads.
- With corn pads.
600
00:31:59,151 --> 00:32:03,781
And arch supports.
- And arch supports. Thank you.
601
00:32:03,864 --> 00:32:05,950
You know how I like my shirts?
602
00:32:06,033 --> 00:32:07,743
Shirts should match the suits.
603
00:32:07,827 --> 00:32:09,495
You mean a la page.
604
00:32:14,209 --> 00:32:15,502
Exactly.
605
00:32:20,090 --> 00:32:21,341
Excuse me.
606
00:32:21,425 --> 00:32:24,219
Here you go. Thank you.
607
00:32:24,303 --> 00:32:25,846
Why, thank you, sir.
608
00:32:25,930 --> 00:32:27,974
Would you like some caviar?
We've got plenty.
609
00:32:28,057 --> 00:32:30,226
No, thank you.
- All right.
610
00:32:30,309 --> 00:32:32,520
I thought
they took your wallet.
611
00:32:34,814 --> 00:32:36,858
They did,
but when you live in Chicago...
612
00:32:36,942 --> 00:32:38,693
you always keep
a couple of extra bucks...
613
00:32:38,777 --> 00:32:40,028
in your hollowed-out heel.
614
00:32:40,112 --> 00:32:42,865
Well, your clothes will be
delivered before lunch.
615
00:32:42,906 --> 00:32:44,575
Thank you, Doctor.
616
00:32:44,658 --> 00:32:46,368
No trouble, Doctor.
617
00:33:12,856 --> 00:33:14,149
Thank you.
618
00:33:20,322 --> 00:33:21,990
- Lawrence.
Harvey.
619
00:33:22,074 --> 00:33:23,659
My assistant Perry Kovin.
620
00:33:23,742 --> 00:33:25,119
How do you do?
- Dr. Baird.
621
00:33:25,202 --> 00:33:27,038
And here's to
a successful practice, Lawrence.
622
00:33:27,121 --> 00:33:29,248
May I call you Larry?
- Sure.
623
00:33:34,462 --> 00:33:38,133
By the way, Harvey,
how long does this job last?
624
00:33:38,216 --> 00:33:40,177
At least six months.
625
00:33:40,260 --> 00:33:44,098
Six months. That is
a fair chunk of my time.
626
00:33:44,181 --> 00:33:45,850
It could be a little less.
627
00:33:45,933 --> 00:33:47,268
Six months
will cost you half a mil.
628
00:33:47,351 --> 00:33:48,895
I'd like 200 thou up-front.
629
00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:52,482
That's steep.
630
00:33:52,565 --> 00:33:54,526
I'll tell you what.
You go and find...
631
00:33:54,609 --> 00:33:56,319
a psychiatrist
with my qualifications...
632
00:33:56,403 --> 00:33:58,322
who's willing to give up
his practice and come here...
633
00:33:58,405 --> 00:34:00,657
with no guarantees
and no cash up-front.
634
00:34:00,741 --> 00:34:01,867
I'm sure he's out there...
635
00:34:01,951 --> 00:34:03,536
but he probably
doesn't speak English.
636
00:34:03,619 --> 00:34:06,914
Your practice, Larry,
consists of a couple of wards...
637
00:34:06,998 --> 00:34:08,791
of indigent psychotics
and jailbirds.
638
00:34:08,833 --> 00:34:10,335
You don't have
a private practice.
639
00:34:10,376 --> 00:34:11,503
You work for the county...
640
00:34:11,586 --> 00:34:13,380
and drive a Volare
without a radio.
641
00:34:13,463 --> 00:34:18,385
The best year you ever had,
you made, what, 30,000?
642
00:34:18,468 --> 00:34:21,305
We're thinking of offering you
in the neighborhood of...
643
00:34:23,808 --> 00:34:25,267
50,000.
644
00:34:25,351 --> 00:34:27,854
I'm anxious to move out
of that neighborhood.
645
00:34:27,937 --> 00:34:29,647
And frankly, if you could
have gotten somebody else...
646
00:34:29,731 --> 00:34:32,359
you would have grabbed them.
But I'm the one you wanted.
647
00:34:32,442 --> 00:34:36,154
And now you don't want me,
so, fine. I'm histoire.
648
00:34:36,196 --> 00:34:38,323
I think we all want
to make this work.
649
00:34:38,365 --> 00:34:40,326
I'll just have
to call Dr. Maitlin.
650
00:34:40,367 --> 00:34:42,328
After all, it's his money.
651
00:34:44,914 --> 00:34:46,666
You talk to him.
652
00:34:47,709 --> 00:34:49,836
No lunch?
653
00:34:49,919 --> 00:34:53,173
I have a broadcast to do...
maybe.
654
00:34:53,256 --> 00:34:55,342
And you have an important
phone call to make.
655
00:34:55,425 --> 00:34:57,386
So, ciao, now.
656
00:35:06,729 --> 00:35:07,928
Vera...
657
00:35:10,900 --> 00:35:13,820
I have something
to confess to you.
658
00:35:13,904 --> 00:35:15,822
I've done something wrong.
659
00:35:15,906 --> 00:35:18,325
I can't keep it inside anymore.
660
00:35:18,409 --> 00:35:21,287
Did you eat
all of the cucumber sandwiches?
661
00:35:24,457 --> 00:35:25,562
No, Vera.
662
00:35:27,460 --> 00:35:31,339
The reason I may or may not
have had a nervous breakdown...
663
00:35:31,423 --> 00:35:34,843
and may have subconsciously
tried to kill myself--
664
00:35:34,926 --> 00:35:37,846
not that I'm saying I did--
665
00:35:37,930 --> 00:35:41,350
is because of the incredible
guilt that I felt...
666
00:35:41,434 --> 00:35:47,315
for the absolutely despicable
act that I have committed.
667
00:35:47,398 --> 00:35:49,109
What is it?
668
00:35:49,192 --> 00:35:52,153
I had sex
with one of my patients.
669
00:35:52,237 --> 00:35:53,822
Excuse me?
670
00:35:57,159 --> 00:36:01,080
I--I had sex with a patient.
671
00:36:01,122 --> 00:36:03,082
I'm sorry?
672
00:36:04,667 --> 00:36:07,295
I had sex with a patient!
673
00:36:07,378 --> 00:36:09,756
You had sex
with one of your patients?
674
00:36:26,462 --> 00:36:27,775
- Dr. Maitlin ?
675
00:36:28,026 --> 00:36:29,861
Phone call for you, sir.
675.5
00:36:36,055 --> 00:36:38,203
Hello.
- Hi, George, it's Harvey.
676
00:36:38,370 --> 00:36:40,623
What do you want?
- We have to talk.
677
00:36:40,706 --> 00:36:43,668
This isn't a good time.
What is it?
678
00:36:44,752 --> 00:36:46,462
What's a Baird?
679
00:36:46,504 --> 00:36:48,089
Lawrence Baird,
the guy from Chicago...
680
00:36:48,173 --> 00:36:50,383
who's taking over for you.
He's being tough.
681
00:36:50,467 --> 00:36:51,676
He wants 200,000 up-front.
682
00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:54,638
I will not be held up
for $200,000 up-front.
683
00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:58,017
George, darling,
put on your thinking cap.
684
00:36:58,100 --> 00:36:59,852
You want me to shut down
your practice?
685
00:36:59,935 --> 00:37:02,438
You want your radio patients
tuning to another station?
686
00:37:02,522 --> 00:37:04,816
Now, come on, buddy. Be smart.
687
00:37:04,899 --> 00:37:06,985
Get a receipt.
688
00:37:07,110 --> 00:37:11,072
These are the sales offices.
Hi, Charlie.
689
00:37:11,114 --> 00:37:12,324
I'm back.
690
00:37:12,366 --> 00:37:13,951
Say, what is this guy
Maitlin, anyway--
691
00:37:14,034 --> 00:37:15,661
some kind of
a road-company Dr. Ruth?
692
00:37:15,703 --> 00:37:16,829
You'll see.
693
00:37:16,912 --> 00:37:19,915
Welcome. Nice to see you again.
694
00:37:19,999 --> 00:37:23,169
Now, had a nice lunch?
- Yeah, sure.
695
00:37:23,252 --> 00:37:25,213
Let me fill you in
with the details.
696
00:37:25,296 --> 00:37:27,048
The program runs two hours...
697
00:37:27,132 --> 00:37:28,925
and there are
twelve commercial breaks.
698
00:37:29,009 --> 00:37:30,260
Now, if you'll
sit down over here--
699
00:37:30,343 --> 00:37:32,554
Oscar, just a sec.
Excuse me for a second.
700
00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:35,683
Gentlemen, where's my money?
701
00:37:35,766 --> 00:37:37,142
It's being transferred
from Switzerland.
702
00:37:37,226 --> 00:37:38,936
It's just gonna take
a couple of days.
703
00:37:39,019 --> 00:37:40,730
Forty-eight hours, then?
- Great.
704
00:37:40,813 --> 00:37:43,024
Well, I'm going to need
some walking-around money.
705
00:37:43,066 --> 00:37:45,318
We heard about the mugging.
OK, so I'll send...
706
00:37:45,401 --> 00:37:46,861
what, a couple hundred
to the hotel ?
707
00:37:46,945 --> 00:37:50,907
I was thinking more like
a couple of thousand.
708
00:37:50,949 --> 00:37:52,743
Just to walk around?
709
00:37:52,826 --> 00:37:55,829
Gentlemen, when I feel
a lack of support...
710
00:37:55,913 --> 00:37:59,709
something very, very strange
happens to my larynx!
711
00:37:59,750 --> 00:38:01,377
And if that happens,
I will not be able to help...
712
00:38:01,419 --> 00:38:03,421
all those troubled people
out there in radioland.
713
00:38:03,463 --> 00:38:06,716
So we'd better arrange--
thank--thank you.
714
00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:08,593
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
715
00:38:08,677 --> 00:38:10,137
And now from
the Palm Garden room...
716
00:38:10,220 --> 00:38:12,097
high atop
the Knickerbocker Hotel...
717
00:38:12,180 --> 00:38:15,142
it's the sound
of the Jack Hilton Orchestra.
718
00:38:15,225 --> 00:38:18,604
The love boat, a good train,
a bad dog, a beautiful girl.
719
00:38:18,688 --> 00:38:20,273
Tonight on "MacGyver."
720
00:38:20,356 --> 00:38:22,108
Now, what does
all this stuff do?
721
00:38:22,191 --> 00:38:24,903
Now, the most important thing
is the dump button.
722
00:38:24,986 --> 00:38:26,780
You're on a seven-second delay.
723
00:38:26,863 --> 00:38:28,448
Anyone gets too vulgar
or intimate...
724
00:38:28,532 --> 00:38:30,575
you press the button,
and it cuts them off the air.
725
00:38:30,659 --> 00:38:31,785
These are neat.
726
00:38:31,869 --> 00:38:33,787
They're just
special-effects buttons.
727
00:38:33,871 --> 00:38:36,123
Now, you've got
three commercials to read...
728
00:38:36,207 --> 00:38:38,960
and they're numbered here,
and they're laid out for you.
729
00:38:39,043 --> 00:38:40,962
When she goes like this...
730
00:38:41,045 --> 00:38:43,047
that means
the commercial break...
731
00:38:43,131 --> 00:38:44,966
and that's when you read
the commercials.
732
00:38:45,049 --> 00:38:46,968
And please,
put this in your ear.
733
00:38:47,052 --> 00:38:49,763
I know you're gonna be
brilliant. I'm so excited!
734
00:38:49,846 --> 00:38:51,974
I wouldn't put it
anywhere else.
735
00:38:53,392 --> 00:38:55,394
You're beautiful, Hendricks.
Don't ever change, babe.
736
00:38:55,477 --> 00:38:57,855
Welcome to "Mind Your Mind"--
737
00:38:57,938 --> 00:38:59,607
the program that invites you...
738
00:38:59,690 --> 00:39:01,609
the radio audience,
to phone in...
739
00:39:01,693 --> 00:39:04,279
and discuss your problems
with qualified psychiatrists.
740
00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:07,324
Today, substituting
for Dr. George Maitlin...
741
00:39:07,365 --> 00:39:09,785
Dr. Lawrence Baird.
742
00:39:13,664 --> 00:39:15,541
Hi, everybody.
743
00:39:15,624 --> 00:39:18,502
Hi. This is Dr. Baird,
and you're on the air.
744
00:39:18,586 --> 00:39:22,715
We've got our first call today
from Palos Verdes--
745
00:39:22,799 --> 00:39:25,176
Scott. Hello, Scott.
You're on the air.
746
00:39:30,599 --> 00:39:32,726
I guess Scott's
not quite ready...
747
00:39:32,810 --> 00:39:34,979
to deal with his problem yet,
so we're gonna give him...
748
00:39:35,062 --> 00:39:37,481
a couple of minutes
and he'll collect his thoughts.
749
00:39:37,523 --> 00:39:40,568
Going on to our next call now
from West Covina--
750
00:39:40,652 --> 00:39:42,612
Ida. Hello, lda.
You're on the air.
751
00:39:42,695 --> 00:39:44,781
- Hello?
752
00:39:44,864 --> 00:39:46,867
Hi there, lda.
What's your problem?
753
00:39:46,950 --> 00:39:50,454
- Well, it's not really
a problem, Dr. Baird.
754
00:39:50,537 --> 00:39:52,498
Then why are you calling?
755
00:39:52,539 --> 00:39:55,334
- Recently,
I met an old school friend.
756
00:39:55,418 --> 00:39:58,629
Let me ask you something.
How old are you?
757
00:39:58,713 --> 00:40:02,842
- Fifty-nine.
Anyway, I ran into this man--
758
00:40:02,926 --> 00:40:05,220
- Just a minute.
759
00:40:05,303 --> 00:40:07,931
- Sweetie, I can't talk now.
I'm on the phone.
760
00:40:08,015 --> 00:40:11,101
What was that there?
Who were you just talking to?
761
00:40:11,185 --> 00:40:12,645
- My daughter.
OK, got it.
762
00:40:12,728 --> 00:40:15,147
- I got the door closed.
Good.
763
00:40:15,231 --> 00:40:19,652
- And when we met,
he was very happy to see me.
764
00:40:19,736 --> 00:40:22,864
- I mean, we hadn't seen
each other in forty years.
765
00:40:22,947 --> 00:40:27,202
- And he told me he thought
I was still beautiful...
766
00:40:27,244 --> 00:40:30,456
- and he wants
to have lunch with me.
767
00:40:30,539 --> 00:40:31,999
That's great. Sounds like fun.
768
00:40:32,082 --> 00:40:34,919
- I said no, naturally,
of course not.
769
00:40:35,002 --> 00:40:39,716
- But after thinking it over,
I mean, it kind of excited me.
770
00:40:39,757 --> 00:40:43,553
You married, lda?
- Very happily, and so is he.
771
00:40:43,595 --> 00:40:46,139
- It's nothing sexual, Dr. Baird.
772
00:40:46,223 --> 00:40:49,435
- Nothing like that.
It just makes me feel young...
773
00:40:49,518 --> 00:40:51,979
- and I guess a little romantic.
774
00:40:52,062 --> 00:40:54,106
Now, what really
goes through your head...
775
00:40:54,190 --> 00:40:55,816
when you think about
having lunch with this man?
776
00:40:55,900 --> 00:40:57,110
Just off the top?
777
00:40:57,193 --> 00:41:00,196
- A nice time--
maybe flowers on the table...
778
00:41:00,280 --> 00:41:01,573
- glasses of wine.
779
00:41:01,656 --> 00:41:04,284
Now, come on. What are you
really thinking about?
780
00:41:04,367 --> 00:41:07,454
- I guess it's
a lot of flattery, too.
781
00:41:07,538 --> 00:41:08,747
Come on.
782
00:41:08,789 --> 00:41:11,417
You're thinking
penis and vagina here, right?
783
00:41:11,500 --> 00:41:12,710
- What?
784
00:41:12,793 --> 00:41:14,378
Maybe he throws you on
the table, spills the wine...
785
00:41:14,462 --> 00:41:16,798
knocks over the flowers,
and you do it right there?
786
00:41:16,881 --> 00:41:19,759
- lt would ruin my marriage.
Right, but what do you care?
787
00:41:19,801 --> 00:41:21,428
Some hot sex in the afternoon.
788
00:41:21,469 --> 00:41:23,346
When was the last time
you had it? It'd be worth it.
789
00:41:23,430 --> 00:41:24,806
- Absolutely not.
I love my husband.
790
00:41:24,890 --> 00:41:27,851
- I want my marriage.
I was just talking about lunch.
791
00:41:27,935 --> 00:41:30,271
Bullshit! You were not
talking about lunch.
792
00:41:30,312 --> 00:41:32,148
You're talking about hot...
793
00:41:32,231 --> 00:41:34,191
sweaty bodies
in a steaming, humping mass.
794
00:41:34,275 --> 00:41:36,194
- Well, l--you see, l--
795
00:41:36,277 --> 00:41:38,863
Look, the point is,
it's OK to fantasize.
796
00:41:38,947 --> 00:41:40,907
But you just have to be aware
that sometimes...
797
00:41:40,990 --> 00:41:43,118
these hidden feelings can
come up out of your psyche...
798
00:41:43,201 --> 00:41:45,203
and kick you in the ass
when you least expect it, OK?
799
00:41:45,287 --> 00:41:48,457
- Yes, Doctor. Thank you.
800
00:41:48,499 --> 00:41:52,128
We're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird...
801
00:41:52,169 --> 00:41:54,297
and we're going to take a break
for a commercial now.
802
00:41:54,380 --> 00:41:56,340
"A public service message
from the National...
803
00:41:56,424 --> 00:41:59,427
"Hang Gliding Club President's
Memorial Foundation.
804
00:41:59,511 --> 00:42:01,471
"Hang gliding is a fun sport...
805
00:42:01,513 --> 00:42:02,973
"but sometimes
accidents happen.
806
00:42:03,014 --> 00:42:04,349
"lf you have a loved one...
807
00:42:04,433 --> 00:42:06,226
"whose wings may have
folded up in mid-soar...
808
00:42:06,310 --> 00:42:07,728
"The National Hang Gliding
Club President's...
809
00:42:07,811 --> 00:42:10,356
"Memorial Foundation
can help with counseling...
810
00:42:10,439 --> 00:42:12,316
"and discounts
on new replacement equipment.
811
00:42:12,400 --> 00:42:16,863
"Call the N.H.G.C.P.M.F.
at 1-800-BlG-FALL."
812
00:42:20,283 --> 00:42:22,369
Everything's going swimmingly.
813
00:42:22,452 --> 00:42:23,870
Good. I'm glad you're happy.
814
00:42:23,954 --> 00:42:25,873
Teensy tadpoles of concern--
815
00:42:25,956 --> 00:42:29,126
you took an awfully long time
with your first caller...
816
00:42:29,209 --> 00:42:32,880
and I think your advice
is a bit too specific.
817
00:42:32,964 --> 00:42:35,007
The references
to penises and vaginas...
818
00:42:35,091 --> 00:42:37,385
should be toned down
just a smidge.
819
00:42:37,468 --> 00:42:39,387
So I should use
alternative terms like...
820
00:42:39,471 --> 00:42:41,431
dick, wang, purple bulb,
midget fireman's helmet...
821
00:42:41,515 --> 00:42:43,100
Iove sausage, and bearded clam?
822
00:42:43,183 --> 00:42:48,689
I mean, this is a conservative
afternoon drive-time show...
823
00:42:48,772 --> 00:42:52,526
and we try to keep things
on an even-keelish level.
824
00:42:52,568 --> 00:42:54,320
Now do you know what I mean?
825
00:42:54,404 --> 00:42:58,032
I guess so. I'm sorry.
826
00:43:00,744 --> 00:43:02,621
Go ahead. You're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird.
827
00:43:02,704 --> 00:43:05,457
The phone lines are jammed.
828
00:43:05,541 --> 00:43:09,462
Oh Dear. Start writing
our apology to the F.C.C.
829
00:43:09,545 --> 00:43:12,715
- So I did it,
and I hate myself for it.
830
00:43:12,757 --> 00:43:14,801
What is this jerk's name?
831
00:43:14,884 --> 00:43:16,427
- I don't want any trouble.
832
00:43:16,511 --> 00:43:17,679
Here's what you do.
833
00:43:17,762 --> 00:43:19,598
Next time that asshole
comes on to you...
834
00:43:19,681 --> 00:43:21,892
you grab the son of a bitch
by the balls...
835
00:43:21,933 --> 00:43:24,228
and give them a good yank.
If that doesn't fix...
836
00:43:24,269 --> 00:43:26,939
his little red pig of a wagon,
you call me...
837
00:43:27,022 --> 00:43:30,484
and I'll come down there
and deal with that fuck.
838
00:43:30,568 --> 00:43:32,570
Next call,
Caroline from Topanga.
839
00:43:32,653 --> 00:43:35,907
Did Baird just say "fuck"?
- I think so.
840
00:43:35,949 --> 00:43:38,410
You can't say "fuck"
on the radio.
841
00:43:38,451 --> 00:43:40,162
Apparently Baird can.
842
00:43:40,245 --> 00:43:42,623
He said "balls," "asshole"...
843
00:43:42,706 --> 00:43:44,333
"son of a bitch,"
and finally "fuck."
844
00:43:44,416 --> 00:43:47,169
We're OK on "balls."
We're iffy on "son of a bitch."
845
00:43:47,253 --> 00:43:48,629
And even "asshole"
is somewhat...
846
00:43:48,712 --> 00:43:50,589
anatomically
potentially forgivable...
847
00:43:50,673 --> 00:43:53,342
But there's
no getting around "fuck."
848
00:43:54,594 --> 00:43:56,012
How many negative calls?
849
00:43:56,095 --> 00:43:58,974
None of them.
They all want to talk to Baird.
850
00:44:00,851 --> 00:44:03,187
Go ahead. You're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird.
851
00:44:03,270 --> 00:44:04,897
We have Yuri from Encino.
Go ahead, Yuri.
852
00:44:04,980 --> 00:44:08,317
Doctor, I have a problem
satisfying my partners.
853
00:44:08,401 --> 00:44:10,987
What business are you in?
- I mean the other ones.
854
00:44:11,070 --> 00:44:12,530
You mean sexual partners.
855
00:44:12,613 --> 00:44:14,866
I mean, just the mention
of the word "sex," and l--
856
00:44:18,411 --> 00:44:21,164
It sounds to me, sitting here
several miles away...
857
00:44:21,248 --> 00:44:23,375
that you have a case
of premature ejaculation--
858
00:44:23,459 --> 00:44:25,419
and a pretty severe one at that.
The first thing I'd suggest...
859
00:44:25,502 --> 00:44:26,837
is not to feel
too bad about it.
860
00:44:26,921 --> 00:44:29,006
It happens to all men
at some point in their lives.
861
00:44:29,090 --> 00:44:31,175
- But mine's been going on
twenty-five years.
862
00:44:31,259 --> 00:44:33,761
- I can't look at a woman.
I can't even think about sex.
863
00:44:39,142 --> 00:44:40,894
- Doctor, it just happened again.
864
00:44:40,978 --> 00:44:43,897
Just calm down now and relax.
865
00:44:43,981 --> 00:44:46,942
Let's try something here.
Think about something...
866
00:44:47,026 --> 00:44:49,195
that could not possibly
arouse you.
867
00:44:49,278 --> 00:44:51,781
For instance...
868
00:44:51,864 --> 00:44:55,285
fixing the transmission
in a 1961 Dodge Shiftomatic.
869
00:44:55,368 --> 00:44:56,703
That's what always
works for me.
870
00:44:56,786 --> 00:44:59,664
I like to mentally
put on my overalls...
871
00:44:59,706 --> 00:45:01,416
take my mechanic's palette...
872
00:45:01,500 --> 00:45:04,586
slide along the floor
under the drive shaft...
873
00:45:04,670 --> 00:45:09,509
pass the universal joint,
grab the joint on the way by...
874
00:45:09,550 --> 00:45:11,844
and wiggle it back and forth,
check it for play.
875
00:45:11,928 --> 00:45:14,764
Then get to the bell housing
and take out your ratchet...
876
00:45:14,848 --> 00:45:17,350
unscrew all the bolts...
877
00:45:17,434 --> 00:45:20,687
and separate the bell housing
from the rest of the apparatus.
878
00:45:20,729 --> 00:45:23,023
And there
you can feel for splines...
879
00:45:23,065 --> 00:45:25,818
and spread the planetary gears.
880
00:45:27,111 --> 00:45:29,864
You are getting
sexually excited...
881
00:45:29,947 --> 00:45:33,201
as I sit here and talk about
transmission repair.
882
00:45:33,284 --> 00:45:35,370
I think you'd better
come down to my office.
883
00:45:35,453 --> 00:45:37,038
I couldn't afford it, Doctor.
884
00:45:37,122 --> 00:45:38,874
If you need to talk,
just come on down...
885
00:45:38,957 --> 00:45:40,292
and we'll talk.
There's no charge.
886
00:45:40,375 --> 00:45:41,835
Really? What's your address?
887
00:45:41,919 --> 00:45:44,213
I just got into town,
and I'm working...
888
00:45:44,296 --> 00:45:45,840
out of the offices
of Dr. George Maitlin...
889
00:45:45,923 --> 00:45:47,883
in Beverly Hills. Come down
and see me. We'll talk.
890
00:45:47,925 --> 00:45:50,595
No charge whatsoever.
Thank you.
891
00:45:50,678 --> 00:45:52,555
I've got everybody
in my control booth here...
892
00:45:52,639 --> 00:45:55,600
signaling me like crazy
for a commercial.
893
00:45:55,684 --> 00:45:57,561
They've got these funny...
894
00:45:57,644 --> 00:45:59,354
desperate looks
on their faces...
895
00:45:59,438 --> 00:46:00,898
Iike it'd be
the end of the world...
896
00:46:00,981 --> 00:46:03,525
if I don't stop
for some silly announcement.
897
00:46:03,609 --> 00:46:05,403
But your problems
are more important.
898
00:46:05,486 --> 00:46:07,280
And if you're like Yuri,
you cannot afford therapy...
899
00:46:07,363 --> 00:46:09,323
come on down and see me
at the offices...
900
00:46:09,407 --> 00:46:10,950
of George Maitlin
in Beverly Hills.
901
00:46:11,034 --> 00:46:12,994
Otherwise,
keep those calls coming...
902
00:46:13,078 --> 00:46:14,788
until they drag me off,
pull the plug...
903
00:46:14,871 --> 00:46:16,373
or everybody in L.A. is cured!
904
00:46:16,498 --> 00:46:18,625
- How was l?
You were fine.
905
00:46:18,709 --> 00:46:22,504
- I wasn't any better than fine?
You were better than fine.
906
00:46:22,588 --> 00:46:24,840
By the way, here's a message...
907
00:46:24,924 --> 00:46:27,134
from someone who didn't
want to talk on the air.
908
00:46:27,218 --> 00:46:29,178
He's a friend of yours
from this morning...
909
00:46:29,262 --> 00:46:30,930
and he knows
where you got your pants.
910
00:46:32,599 --> 00:46:36,061
See? I told you those pants
would be all the rage someday.
911
00:46:40,232 --> 00:46:43,235
Donald Becker. He's
your garden-variety misfit...
912
00:46:43,319 --> 00:46:45,363
in and out of here
every couple of weeks.
913
00:46:45,446 --> 00:46:47,532
He doesn't fit in anywhere--
not in prison...
914
00:46:47,615 --> 00:46:49,200
not here, not on the streets.
915
00:46:49,283 --> 00:46:51,202
So, in other words,
society rotates him.
916
00:46:51,286 --> 00:46:52,746
Dr. Smet, you ever
look around this place...
917
00:46:52,829 --> 00:46:53,955
at these patients and think...
918
00:46:54,039 --> 00:46:56,083
there but
for the grace of God, go l?
919
00:46:56,166 --> 00:46:58,710
We're supposed to study
emotions, not have them.
920
00:46:58,794 --> 00:47:00,379
Spoken like a true healer.
921
00:47:00,462 --> 00:47:03,758
Can I have the Becker
release forms, please?
922
00:47:03,841 --> 00:47:06,719
He's gonna be a little groggy.
We had to sedate him.
923
00:47:06,802 --> 00:47:08,721
Is this the kind of place
where if anything moves...
924
00:47:08,805 --> 00:47:10,974
you whack it with a thousand
mikes of chlortianazine.
925
00:47:11,057 --> 00:47:12,308
My, didn't we get out...
926
00:47:12,350 --> 00:47:14,311
on the wrong side
of the couch this morning?
927
00:47:14,352 --> 00:47:16,647
Here, sign all five copies.
928
00:47:16,730 --> 00:47:19,233
Dr. Baird
has generously given...
929
00:47:19,316 --> 00:47:21,777
his personal guarantee
for Donald Becker.
930
00:47:21,861 --> 00:47:23,446
He'll be released
with his usual...
931
00:47:23,529 --> 00:47:25,698
seven-day maintenance
prescription.
932
00:47:25,781 --> 00:47:28,284
It'll make it much easier
to handle that way.
933
00:47:40,965 --> 00:47:42,508
Thanks.
934
00:47:42,591 --> 00:47:45,511
I got you into this.
Now I'll get you out.
935
00:47:45,595 --> 00:47:49,390
Here's $50. Have a nice life.
You don't have to thank me.
936
00:47:49,474 --> 00:47:52,352
Wait a minute. Where you going?
937
00:47:52,394 --> 00:47:54,104
Mr. Becker,
out there is life's highway.
938
00:47:54,187 --> 00:47:56,690
The farthest journey begins
with a single step...
939
00:47:56,773 --> 00:47:59,276
and I want you as far away
from me as possible.
940
00:47:59,360 --> 00:48:01,529
Fifty bucks
isn't gonna buy me off.
941
00:48:01,612 --> 00:48:04,657
What I know
is worth a lot more than that.
942
00:48:04,740 --> 00:48:06,075
What do you know?
943
00:48:06,159 --> 00:48:08,244
Those pants you were wearing.
944
00:48:08,328 --> 00:48:11,081
Prison issue in Texas,
Arkansas, and lllinois.
945
00:48:11,164 --> 00:48:13,375
I had a friend
who was buried in them.
946
00:48:15,669 --> 00:48:17,504
I knew it, even though...
947
00:48:17,588 --> 00:48:19,048
the son of a bitch
who sold them to me...
948
00:48:19,131 --> 00:48:20,925
swore they were one of a kind.
949
00:48:22,134 --> 00:48:23,678
I don't know.
950
00:48:23,761 --> 00:48:27,390
There's an air about you--
a certain look.
951
00:48:28,892 --> 00:48:31,436
You don't seem like
a doctor to me.
952
00:48:31,519 --> 00:48:33,730
You look like
a malcontent misfit...
953
00:48:33,772 --> 00:48:36,191
who skirted around
society's edges...
954
00:48:36,275 --> 00:48:39,194
and never done shit.
Takes one to know one.
955
00:48:39,278 --> 00:48:41,864
So either you share
the wealth with me...
956
00:48:41,947 --> 00:48:44,450
or you share the cell with me.
957
00:48:48,913 --> 00:48:50,999
You know, I could get used
to a place like this.
958
00:48:51,082 --> 00:48:54,836
Could really,
really mellow out.
959
00:48:54,920 --> 00:48:56,338
Before you get too mellow...
960
00:48:56,421 --> 00:48:57,548
give me the rest
of those drugs.
961
00:48:57,631 --> 00:48:58,924
What are you--
962
00:48:58,966 --> 00:49:02,595
That's my--my pills,
my maintenance dose.
963
00:49:04,222 --> 00:49:05,848
Hope they got cable.
964
00:49:05,932 --> 00:49:08,935
I won't be able to watch
regular TV without drugs.
965
00:49:11,605 --> 00:49:14,274
- Yes, that's a one-way ticket
to Mexico City.
966
00:49:14,358 --> 00:49:16,068
Let me ask you something.
967
00:49:16,151 --> 00:49:19,363
Is there anything more
expensive than first class?
968
00:49:19,446 --> 00:49:21,365
Too bad.
969
00:49:21,449 --> 00:49:23,910
No, leave the departure open.
970
00:49:23,993 --> 00:49:26,162
A flight leaves every night
at 10:00?
971
00:49:26,246 --> 00:49:29,332
I'll leave payment
at the front desk. Ciao.
972
00:49:42,722 --> 00:49:44,307
What's all this stuff about?
973
00:49:44,390 --> 00:49:47,143
You ever heard
of the Klephthes?
974
00:49:47,227 --> 00:49:49,980
What?
- They were my ancestors.
975
00:49:50,063 --> 00:49:52,566
That hardy band
of Greek patriots...
976
00:49:52,649 --> 00:49:55,611
who held the hills
during the Turkish conquest.
977
00:49:55,694 --> 00:49:57,154
They were known
as the Klephthes...
978
00:49:57,238 --> 00:49:58,489
hence, kleptomaniacs.
979
00:49:58,531 --> 00:50:01,492
Their revenge was
taking everything in sight.
980
00:50:01,534 --> 00:50:03,995
You know, my ancestors
were Toro Fecundians.
981
00:50:04,037 --> 00:50:07,207
They had the ability
to smell bullshit a mile away.
982
00:50:17,134 --> 00:50:20,554
Why do I have to come with you?
I could be so happy here.
983
00:50:20,638 --> 00:50:22,682
"A," because
you're in my custody...
984
00:50:22,765 --> 00:50:25,018
"B," I don't trust you,
and "C," the maids refuse...
985
00:50:25,059 --> 00:50:26,770
to clean the room
with you in it.
986
00:50:31,525 --> 00:50:34,361
Are you sure
that this is your office?
987
00:50:35,863 --> 00:50:38,949
- ls that him?
What's going on here, Officer?
988
00:50:39,033 --> 00:50:42,453
Some shrink named Baird offered
free therapy on the radio...
989
00:50:42,537 --> 00:50:43,997
and all these people showed up.
990
00:50:44,080 --> 00:50:46,916
This is a bad dream,
and you're late for Mrs. Guber.
991
00:50:46,1000 --> 00:50:48,418
And what is he doing here?
992
00:50:48,501 --> 00:50:50,212
I'm here because I'm
desperately in love with you.
993
00:50:50,253 --> 00:50:52,714
I have been from the moment
we met at the airport.
994
00:50:52,756 --> 00:50:54,925
I could tell I aroused
an emotion in you.
995
00:50:55,009 --> 00:50:57,553
I knew it was only disgust,
but I can build on that.
996
00:50:57,636 --> 00:50:59,096
- Becker.
Will you marry me?
997
00:50:59,180 --> 00:51:02,183
Cease and desist.
Give me five minutes.
998
00:51:02,350 --> 00:51:04,227
Mrs. Guber, I'm afraid...
999
00:51:04,269 --> 00:51:05,854
we're going to have
to reschedule today.
1000
00:51:05,937 --> 00:51:08,023
Reschedule? Doctor, please.
1001
00:51:08,106 --> 00:51:10,067
This can't wait.
I need your help now!
1002
00:51:10,108 --> 00:51:12,277
I'm having a power struggle
with my maid...
1003
00:51:12,361 --> 00:51:13,487
and she's winning.
1004
00:51:13,570 --> 00:51:17,283
Any ideas, Dr. Rollins?
- You're the idea man.
1005
00:51:17,366 --> 00:51:19,493
Doctor,
forget about those freebies.
1006
00:51:19,577 --> 00:51:21,287
What about me and Maria?
1007
00:51:21,371 --> 00:51:23,289
We want Baird!
1008
00:51:23,373 --> 00:51:25,083
History teaches us,
among other things...
1009
00:51:25,125 --> 00:51:27,919
that most power struggles are
based on money and/or religion.
1010
00:51:27,961 --> 00:51:30,172
Now, did you have
any religious differences...
1011
00:51:30,255 --> 00:51:31,381
with your maid?
1012
00:51:31,465 --> 00:51:34,385
No. We ironed those out years ago.
- Anybody have a pen?
1013
00:51:35,761 --> 00:51:37,430
Thank you.
1014
00:51:37,513 --> 00:51:39,765
Your five minutes are up.
What are you going to do?
1015
00:51:39,849 --> 00:51:42,226
I know what I'd do
if I were in Chicago.
1016
00:51:42,310 --> 00:51:43,436
What's that?
1017
00:51:43,478 --> 00:51:45,397
I'd take them all
to a ball game.
1018
00:51:45,480 --> 00:51:46,606
Thank you very much,
patients...
1019
00:51:46,648 --> 00:51:48,400
for coming to
our free therapy session today.
1020
00:51:48,483 --> 00:51:50,444
As announced on the radio,
all therapy and treatment...
1021
00:51:50,527 --> 00:51:51,779
today is absolutely free.
1022
00:51:51,862 --> 00:51:53,322
The buses
have been categorized...
1023
00:51:53,405 --> 00:51:55,282
as to particular condition
and ailment.
1024
00:51:55,324 --> 00:51:56,909
All sexual malfunctions
and dysfunctions...
1025
00:51:56,993 --> 00:51:59,412
on bus number one. Penis envy?
1026
00:52:00,830 --> 00:52:02,790
Come on, now. Penis envy?
1027
00:52:02,874 --> 00:52:04,751
Girls, come on. We're
all in this together. Come on.
1028
00:52:04,834 --> 00:52:07,295
Penis envy? On board, please.
Thank you very much.
1029
00:52:07,337 --> 00:52:09,464
Premature ejaculators
and non-ejaculators.
1030
00:52:09,548 --> 00:52:12,801
Now, come on, now.
Premature and non-ejaculators.
1031
00:52:12,843 --> 00:52:14,220
Premature ejaculators,
non-ejaculators...
1032
00:52:14,303 --> 00:52:16,138
and retrograde ejaculators
on board, please.
1033
00:52:17,431 --> 00:52:21,144
Nymphomaniacs.
Don't let me out of your sight.
1034
00:52:21,185 --> 00:52:23,480
Nymphomaniacs,
please come with me.
1035
00:52:23,563 --> 00:52:24,856
Thank you very much.
Bus number five...
1036
00:52:24,940 --> 00:52:27,776
all other forms of
obsessive-compulsive behavior.
1037
00:52:27,859 --> 00:52:31,155
And bus number six,
schizophrenics.
1038
00:52:31,196 --> 00:52:32,406
Actually, schizophrenics...
1039
00:52:32,489 --> 00:52:34,158
you get to choose
between one and six...
1040
00:52:34,241 --> 00:52:35,993
and bus number six,
all others, please.
1041
00:52:36,035 --> 00:52:37,662
All right, Doctor.
We're all set.
1042
00:52:37,745 --> 00:52:39,288
We're playing New York
at one o'clock.
1043
00:52:39,372 --> 00:52:41,499
I got you
280 bleacher section seats...
1044
00:52:41,541 --> 00:52:43,293
and the buses are prepaid...
1045
00:52:43,376 --> 00:52:44,836
and here's the microphone
you asked for.
1046
00:52:44,878 --> 00:52:48,465
Great job.
Why don't you join us?
1047
00:52:48,548 --> 00:52:49,842
No, thank you.
1048
00:52:49,925 --> 00:52:52,261
Come on. I got a section
reserved here on the special...
1049
00:52:52,344 --> 00:52:54,972
just for people who have
a compulsive need to brown-nose.
1050
00:52:55,056 --> 00:52:57,183
Brown-nose!
1051
00:52:57,225 --> 00:52:59,560
Relax.
Take a load off those knees.
1052
00:53:02,689 --> 00:53:06,526
All abo-o-o-oard!
1053
00:53:06,610 --> 00:53:08,278
Guy goes to a shrink.
1054
00:53:08,362 --> 00:53:10,322
Says, "Last night,
I dreamt I was a wigwam.
1055
00:53:10,406 --> 00:53:11,949
"Night before,
I dreamt I was a tepee.
1056
00:53:12,032 --> 00:53:13,701
"What's it all mean?"
Shrink says...
1057
00:53:13,784 --> 00:53:16,537
"It's very simple.
It means you're two tents."
1058
00:53:16,579 --> 00:53:18,081
Get it? Tense!
1059
00:53:18,164 --> 00:53:20,542
You're a beautiful audience--
absolutely fantastic.
1060
00:53:20,625 --> 00:53:24,880
He's brilliant, or he's a fool.
One or the other.
1061
00:53:24,921 --> 00:53:26,214
We'll try to work through
your problems here today...
1062
00:53:26,298 --> 00:53:28,509
and see what we can do,
see if we can help each other.
1063
00:53:28,592 --> 00:53:30,719
Who's first?
1064
00:53:30,803 --> 00:53:32,680
Here's a lady. All right.
Where are you from?
1065
00:53:32,763 --> 00:53:35,224
Susan, from Hollywood.
1066
00:53:35,266 --> 00:53:37,477
From Hollywood.
What's your dream?
1067
00:53:37,560 --> 00:53:41,231
I dreamed recently that
I was crossing Afghanistan...
1068
00:53:41,272 --> 00:53:43,692
wearing nothing but high heels.
1069
00:53:43,775 --> 00:53:45,736
And you were embarrassed?
1070
00:53:45,819 --> 00:53:48,405
The Russians and tanks
went right by me...
1071
00:53:48,489 --> 00:53:50,407
and the Afghan rebels
ignored me.
1072
00:53:50,491 --> 00:53:52,827
But when I got
to the Pakistani border...
1073
00:53:52,910 --> 00:53:54,829
there was
a giant shopping mall...
1074
00:53:54,912 --> 00:53:56,497
called the Karachi Galleria.
1075
00:53:56,581 --> 00:53:58,333
But the parking lot
was empty...
1076
00:53:58,416 --> 00:54:01,628
except for millions of lizards
wearing dark glasses...
1077
00:54:01,711 --> 00:54:04,256
and one of them
looked like Barbara Walters.
1078
00:54:04,339 --> 00:54:06,925
They were eating
tiny, little Haagen-Dazs...
1079
00:54:07,009 --> 00:54:09,094
ice cream cones being served...
1080
00:54:09,178 --> 00:54:11,639
by a guy
I went to high school with.
1081
00:54:11,722 --> 00:54:14,767
I went inside the mall
to the food fair...
1082
00:54:14,850 --> 00:54:16,894
where the smell
of caramel popcorn...
1083
00:54:16,978 --> 00:54:19,439
and cleaning fluid
so overwhelmed me...
1084
00:54:19,481 --> 00:54:21,483
that I noticed my nakedness...
1085
00:54:21,566 --> 00:54:25,278
Speaking of nuts,
I'm Donald Becker.
1086
00:54:25,362 --> 00:54:28,782
I'm Dr. Laura Rollins.
1087
00:54:28,866 --> 00:54:33,621
You a shrink?
I don't care much for shrinks.
1088
00:54:33,704 --> 00:54:38,835
All that honesty and openness
and truth-telling gets so icky.
1089
00:54:40,378 --> 00:54:42,839
Sometimes the truth is icky.
1090
00:54:47,594 --> 00:54:48,804
I'm Dan Peterson,
head of promotion.
1091
00:54:48,887 --> 00:54:51,515
This is a wonderful thing
you're doing here.
1092
00:54:51,599 --> 00:54:53,601
Thanks for giving us the seats.
1093
00:54:53,643 --> 00:54:55,061
If there's anything else
I can get for you...
1094
00:54:55,144 --> 00:54:56,688
please, don't hesitate to ask.
1095
00:54:56,771 --> 00:54:59,149
There is one thing...
1096
00:54:59,190 --> 00:55:01,151
that I've always wanted
to do at a ball game...
1097
00:55:01,234 --> 00:55:03,278
but--no. Forget it.
1098
00:55:03,361 --> 00:55:05,614
Your wish is our command.
- I can't.
1099
00:55:05,656 --> 00:55:07,533
Sure you can.
- I can?
1100
00:55:07,616 --> 00:55:13,789
The bombs bursting in air
1101
00:55:13,873 --> 00:55:17,460
Gave us proof through the night
1102
00:55:17,544 --> 00:55:19,504
He's been in town
less than thirty-six hours...
1103
00:55:19,587 --> 00:55:22,174
and he's at a ball game
singing the national anthem.
1104
00:55:22,257 --> 00:55:24,843
This guy could be
a goddamn TV star.
1105
00:55:24,927 --> 00:55:27,471
What does a syndicated
shrink show mean to you...
1106
00:55:27,554 --> 00:55:30,307
executive producer Perry Kovin?
1107
00:55:30,391 --> 00:55:34,270
And the home of the brave
1108
00:55:36,230 --> 00:55:45,491
Over here, in the left-field
bleachers, are my patients.
1109
00:55:45,574 --> 00:55:51,747
Please give them
a warm L.A. welcome.
1110
00:55:56,753 --> 00:55:58,213
Thank you.
1111
00:56:03,927 --> 00:56:06,263
Hot dog?
- Thank you, Doctor.
1112
00:56:06,347 --> 00:56:08,849
Hot dog?
- I hate hot dogs.
1113
00:56:11,227 --> 00:56:14,647
Getting cured?
- Not yet, but I'm gonna get it.
1114
00:56:14,731 --> 00:56:17,317
All right. On that note,
I think I'll just continue...
1115
00:56:17,400 --> 00:56:19,569
with my therapeutic ministry.
1116
00:56:19,653 --> 00:56:22,948
Unblock your emotions!
Have a red hot!
1117
00:56:23,031 --> 00:56:24,950
Anorexics, come on.
Don't be afraid!
1118
00:56:25,033 --> 00:56:27,745
Have two or three!
It's all right!
1119
00:56:27,786 --> 00:56:31,165
How are you doing? Very good.
Enjoying the game?
1120
00:56:31,249 --> 00:56:32,875
What other sports do you like?
1121
00:56:35,753 --> 00:56:37,464
Fabulous, wasn't it?
1122
00:56:37,547 --> 00:56:39,591
Sigmund was the first
to deal with mass hysteria.
1123
00:56:39,674 --> 00:56:42,052
I am the first to deal
with mass transit.
1124
00:57:02,824 --> 00:57:06,662
You are the strangest shrink
I've ever met...
1125
00:57:06,745 --> 00:57:09,290
and this is the strangest date
I've ever been on.
1126
00:57:16,673 --> 00:57:19,634
Good afternoon. It's 4:00,
tea time in England...
1127
00:57:19,676 --> 00:57:21,720
and therapy time
here in the Southland.
1128
00:57:21,803 --> 00:57:23,096
I am Dr. Lawrence Baird...
1129
00:57:23,180 --> 00:57:24,640
When was the last time
you saw ratings...
1130
00:57:24,723 --> 00:57:26,267
go up like this in two days?
1131
00:57:26,350 --> 00:57:28,310
He's got something, doesn't he?
1132
00:57:28,352 --> 00:57:30,980
He cares. That's the secret.
It's in his voice.
1133
00:57:31,063 --> 00:57:32,982
You know what that's worth
to an advertiser?
1134
00:57:33,066 --> 00:57:34,359
Absolutely.
1135
00:57:34,442 --> 00:57:37,153
If anyone wants a doughnut
without jelly, they're ready.
1136
00:57:37,237 --> 00:57:38,780
...and recording them
in a diary...
1137
00:57:38,864 --> 00:57:41,825
to analyze
what each drill hit feels like.
1138
00:57:41,867 --> 00:57:44,286
All right. This is
a very, very abnormal problem...
1139
00:57:44,370 --> 00:57:45,996
and certainly the first
we've had on the show.
1140
00:57:46,080 --> 00:57:47,498
I think that immediately
you should seek...
1141
00:57:47,581 --> 00:57:48,833
professional help
and counseling...
1142
00:57:48,916 --> 00:57:50,501
because using an electric
drill on the human skull...
1143
00:57:50,585 --> 00:57:52,837
is something that,
well, we really shouldn't do.
1144
00:57:52,921 --> 00:57:55,590
Next call.
From Torrance, California...
1145
00:57:55,674 --> 00:57:57,384
we have Lucille on the line.
1146
00:57:57,467 --> 00:57:59,344
You're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1147
00:57:59,386 --> 00:58:02,264
- What can I do? My husband,
he's the worst slob.
1148
00:58:02,347 --> 00:58:03,766
- Anything I cook,
no matter what it is...
1149
00:58:03,849 --> 00:58:05,601
- the first thing he says is,
"Do we eat it...
1150
00:58:05,684 --> 00:58:06,936
"or did we eat it?"
1151
00:58:07,019 --> 00:58:09,438
Then what does he do?
- Then what what?
1152
00:58:09,522 --> 00:58:12,150
What does he do?
- He laughs.
1153
00:58:12,233 --> 00:58:14,778
He laughs?
- He learned it in the army.
1154
00:58:14,861 --> 00:58:16,363
- "Do we eat it,
or did we eat it?"
1155
00:58:16,446 --> 00:58:17,864
- I'm ready to bury an ax
in his head, Doctor...
1156
00:58:17,948 --> 00:58:19,741
- and I'm thinking
of buying a gun.
1157
00:58:19,825 --> 00:58:21,785
- I have rat poison
in the house already.
1158
00:58:21,869 --> 00:58:23,329
I know how you feel, Lucille.
1159
00:58:23,412 --> 00:58:25,414
- I can't take it anymore.
I'm not going to be happy...
1160
00:58:25,498 --> 00:58:27,375
- until I see them
taking him out in a body bag.
1161
00:58:27,416 --> 00:58:29,168
- I mean, I want the guy dead.
1162
00:58:29,252 --> 00:58:30,753
In these circumstances...
1163
00:58:30,837 --> 00:58:32,130
I think you have to start
by centering yourself.
1164
00:58:32,213 --> 00:58:33,631
- I'm not going to center myself.
1165
00:58:33,715 --> 00:58:35,133
- Why do I always have
to center myself?
1166
00:58:35,216 --> 00:58:37,177
You got to calm down.
You got any T.M. experience?
1167
00:58:37,260 --> 00:58:38,804
- Let him center himself
right in the cemetery.
1168
00:58:38,887 --> 00:58:41,807
Just start by--
close your eyes--
1169
00:58:41,890 --> 00:58:44,435
Hey, lady, zip it up!
1170
00:58:44,518 --> 00:58:45,728
Now, look at your problem
this way.
1171
00:58:45,770 --> 00:58:46,896
If you knock this guy off...
1172
00:58:46,979 --> 00:58:48,523
how long is your happiness
going to last?
1173
00:58:48,606 --> 00:58:50,858
I mean, is this no-good slob
worth going to jail for?
1174
00:58:50,900 --> 00:58:52,402
- So what should I do?
1175
00:58:52,443 --> 00:58:56,114
For openers,
I'd say stop cooking for him.
1176
00:58:59,618 --> 00:59:01,161
Does it ever stop raining
in London?
1177
00:59:01,245 --> 00:59:03,122
Rain! Rain! Rain!
It's so depressing.
1178
00:59:03,205 --> 00:59:04,999
What was her name?
- Whose name?
1179
00:59:05,082 --> 00:59:06,208
Here you are, Dr. Baird.
1180
00:59:06,292 --> 00:59:07,627
The information packet
for your convention...
1181
00:59:07,710 --> 00:59:10,213
all the events of the 3 days.
I'll show you to your room.
1182
00:59:10,296 --> 00:59:11,923
How many times
do I have to tell you...
1183
00:59:12,006 --> 00:59:13,591
she was a patient!
If I told you her name...
1184
00:59:13,675 --> 00:59:15,969
I'd be breaking the psychiatric
code of confidentiality.
1185
00:59:16,052 --> 00:59:17,554
Don't throw codes at me.
You've committed adultery...
1186
00:59:17,638 --> 00:59:20,099
and you had sex with a patient.
Now what was her goddamn name?
1187
00:59:20,140 --> 00:59:21,433
Is there no end
to this madness?
1188
00:59:21,517 --> 00:59:22,643
I can't tell you!
1189
00:59:22,726 --> 00:59:24,520
I always feel more
comfortable...
1190
00:59:24,603 --> 00:59:26,230
if I can actually
see my luggage.
1191
00:59:26,314 --> 00:59:28,024
Don't worry, sir.
Everything's taken care of.
1192
00:59:28,107 --> 00:59:29,275
I'm sure.
1193
00:59:32,862 --> 00:59:34,614
Give me her first name.
1194
00:59:35,866 --> 00:59:38,285
Then give me the first
initial of her first name.
1195
00:59:38,327 --> 00:59:39,787
This is so immature.
1196
00:59:39,870 --> 00:59:41,330
Then give me one letter
in her first name.
1197
00:59:41,413 --> 00:59:43,457
Aren't I entitled to that?
1198
00:59:43,541 --> 00:59:45,459
"E." Now drop it.
1199
00:59:45,543 --> 00:59:49,088
"E." "E" doesn't tell me
anything. I need a consonant.
1200
00:59:52,717 --> 00:59:54,302
Have you no sense of privacy?
1201
00:59:54,386 --> 00:59:55,637
Christ! You have sex
with a patient...
1202
00:59:55,721 --> 00:59:57,306
and you talk about privacy?
1203
00:59:57,389 --> 00:59:59,308
Am I supposed to tip you,
or is that--
1204
00:59:59,391 --> 01:00:01,435
That's entirely up to you, sir.
1205
01:00:01,518 --> 01:00:03,604
This is worth
how much in American?
1206
01:00:03,687 --> 01:00:05,273
That's about $1.50, sir.
1207
01:00:05,314 --> 01:00:07,984
I'll have to work this out.
1208
01:00:12,864 --> 01:00:14,115
George.
- What ?
1209
01:00:14,324 --> 01:00:16,410
-I've had an affair, too.
1210
01:00:20,289 --> 01:00:22,082
That is so sad.
1211
01:00:22,166 --> 01:00:24,001
I'm a psychiatrist.
I'm trained...
1212
01:00:24,043 --> 01:00:26,003
to see through
these ego defenses.
1213
01:00:26,087 --> 01:00:28,339
You're hurt,
and you're striking back.
1214
01:00:28,381 --> 01:00:31,509
It's all right. I understand.
1215
01:00:31,593 --> 01:00:33,970
Look at me.
1216
01:00:34,012 --> 01:00:37,140
I've had an affair
for the last year and a half.
1217
01:00:43,356 --> 01:00:46,192
Who is he?
- I can't tell you.
1218
01:00:46,234 --> 01:00:49,487
Why?
- He's a friend of yours.
1219
01:00:51,740 --> 01:00:53,700
No friend of mine
would ever sleep with you...
1220
01:00:53,742 --> 01:00:55,702
because, if he did,
I would kill him.
1221
01:00:57,162 --> 01:00:59,498
Now tell me you're lying.
1222
01:01:01,375 --> 01:01:03,377
I'm lying.
1223
01:01:03,836 --> 01:01:05,838
Maitlin? Who's Maitlin?
Forget Maitlin. Maitlin's a bum.
1224
01:01:05,880 --> 01:01:07,340
Already you're wiping him
off the ratings charts.
1225
01:01:07,382 --> 01:01:09,259
I like your loyalty.
- Maitlin's history.
1226
01:01:09,342 --> 01:01:11,177
- Histoire.
You're hot, Larry.
1227
01:01:11,219 --> 01:01:13,263
So, what do you think
of a self-help video series?
1228
01:01:13,346 --> 01:01:16,183
- A doctor diet book.
Please, shut your toilet.
1229
01:01:16,225 --> 01:01:19,937
Although he's got a point.
A shrink's diet book. Why not?
1230
01:01:20,020 --> 01:01:22,732
I got the title:
"Shrink Along With the Shrink."
1231
01:01:22,815 --> 01:01:24,233
Sensational!
1232
01:01:24,317 --> 01:01:28,154
Hardcover's very prestigious,
but the real profit's in paper.
1233
01:01:28,238 --> 01:01:29,906
You might want to--
the rose on that...
1234
01:01:29,990 --> 01:01:31,867
I don't think it's edible.
1235
01:01:31,950 --> 01:01:33,660
What did I tell you?
Has he got a mind?
1236
01:01:33,744 --> 01:01:34,953
We don't want to stop there.
1237
01:01:35,037 --> 01:01:37,206
That thing you did on the buses
was just the beginning.
1238
01:01:37,247 --> 01:01:38,540
Buses seat
eighty-four people...
1239
01:01:38,624 --> 01:01:39,875
even if you rip out
the toilets...
1240
01:01:39,959 --> 01:01:42,795
but ocean liners--
ocean liners hold thousands!
1241
01:01:42,878 --> 01:01:44,422
I figure you get the QE ll...
1242
01:01:44,505 --> 01:01:46,007
you paint a happy face
on the back...
1243
01:01:46,090 --> 01:01:48,384
950 a pop.
What could be so terrible?
1244
01:01:48,426 --> 01:01:51,888
I can see millions.
- I'll settle for my 200,000.
1245
01:01:51,972 --> 01:01:53,890
Cookie money. Cookie money!
1246
01:01:53,974 --> 01:01:56,143
So call me Famous Amos.
1247
01:01:56,226 --> 01:01:57,937
Campari and soda.
1248
01:02:01,399 --> 01:02:02,733
Now, tomorrow night...
1249
01:02:02,817 --> 01:02:04,193
Maitlin's getting
the G.L.A.N.S. award...
1250
01:02:04,277 --> 01:02:05,862
and I want you
to accept it for him.
1251
01:02:05,945 --> 01:02:07,447
Now, don't worry. Before
you step up on the dais...
1252
01:02:07,530 --> 01:02:08,990
the money's
gonna be in your hand.
1253
01:02:09,074 --> 01:02:10,283
And afterwards...
1254
01:02:10,325 --> 01:02:12,119
I'm the toughest negotiator
in the west.
1255
01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:15,122
Ask anybody. Nobody fucks
with Harvey Michaels.
1256
01:02:15,164 --> 01:02:17,207
Excuse me,
I promised the staff...
1257
01:02:17,291 --> 01:02:18,918
I'd help with the dishes
and take out the garbage.
1258
01:02:19,001 --> 01:02:20,378
Then I have to make
a phone call.
1259
01:02:26,134 --> 01:02:29,346
Do you know my friend
had shoulder pad implants?
1260
01:02:29,429 --> 01:02:32,766
ls that the ultimate?
- You're kidding?
1261
01:02:32,849 --> 01:02:34,935
Dr. Glassman
did my uppers and lowers.
1262
01:02:35,018 --> 01:02:36,937
lsn't it great?
- Wonderful!
1263
01:02:37,021 --> 01:02:38,355
- I spent the entire weekend...
1264
01:02:38,439 --> 01:02:40,149
being pounded on
by Madame Wanda.
1265
01:02:40,232 --> 01:02:41,692
- I highly recommend it.
1266
01:02:41,776 --> 01:02:44,153
I had my initials
carved into my leg.
1267
01:02:44,195 --> 01:02:45,446
Who did it?
1268
01:02:45,488 --> 01:02:48,491
I did it myself.
1269
01:02:48,575 --> 01:02:50,994
It's nice.
- Fascinating.
1270
01:02:51,036 --> 01:02:52,496
Hef, nice to see you...
1271
01:02:52,579 --> 01:02:54,706
in somebody else's jacuzzi
for a change.
1272
01:02:58,878 --> 01:03:00,880
Good. I want
to sit down with you...
1273
01:03:00,963 --> 01:03:02,965
and carve out
some long-range objectives.
1274
01:03:03,049 --> 01:03:07,679
I'd never let you work for me.
You're a sleazoid. Ask anybody.
1275
01:03:09,389 --> 01:03:11,183
And he's got integrity.
1276
01:03:11,266 --> 01:03:12,726
Why wouldn't l
just love this man?
1277
01:03:12,809 --> 01:03:15,020
You know I do. I love you.
I do. I love you.
1278
01:03:16,647 --> 01:03:17,857
I love this man!
1279
01:03:17,940 --> 01:03:21,903
He does. He does love you, Larry.
- Oh, good.
1280
01:03:21,986 --> 01:03:24,239
And I'm not embarrassed
to say it. Here.
1281
01:03:24,322 --> 01:03:26,199
Keys to the Maserati.
It's parked outside.
1282
01:03:26,282 --> 01:03:28,702
It's got a cellular phone,
everything.
1283
01:03:28,785 --> 01:03:30,203
These are the keys
to the motor sailor.
1284
01:03:30,287 --> 01:03:31,496
Now take them, use them.
They're yours.
1285
01:03:31,538 --> 01:03:32,664
You've been working too hard.
1286
01:03:32,748 --> 01:03:35,250
You know why I'm lending you
the car and the yacht?
1287
01:03:35,334 --> 01:03:37,336
Because I believe in you.
I believe in you.
1288
01:03:37,420 --> 01:03:39,171
I believe that you do!
1289
01:03:39,213 --> 01:03:41,841
Great!
Have a contract drawn up.
1290
01:03:41,924 --> 01:03:43,384
Contract?
- Now, don't worry.
1291
01:03:43,426 --> 01:03:44,719
It's only for seven years.
1292
01:03:44,761 --> 01:03:46,221
And remember,
a contract's like a marriage.
1293
01:03:46,304 --> 01:03:47,889
You're unhappy,
it's not working out...
1294
01:03:47,973 --> 01:03:49,349
What do we do?
1295
01:03:51,310 --> 01:03:53,729
You know what they say, boys.
1296
01:03:53,771 --> 01:03:56,565
It's unlucky to look upon
the bride before the wedding...
1297
01:03:56,649 --> 01:03:59,694
so I'll catch you guys
at the altar.
1298
01:03:59,735 --> 01:04:01,863
At the altar.
1299
01:04:01,946 --> 01:04:03,114
How about it, girls?
1300
01:04:03,197 --> 01:04:05,825
Want a demonstration
of Archimedes' principle?
1301
01:04:05,909 --> 01:04:07,577
What did he say?
1302
01:04:12,875 --> 01:04:15,252
You know, I had fun tonight.
1303
01:04:16,712 --> 01:04:18,673
I finally found
a place I fit in...
1304
01:04:18,756 --> 01:04:21,175
as well as I do the nut house--
1305
01:04:21,259 --> 01:04:22,927
Beverly Hills.
1306
01:04:44,200 --> 01:04:45,452
What's wrong?
1307
01:04:45,493 --> 01:04:48,080
I have this rumbling
in my gut...
1308
01:04:48,163 --> 01:04:50,123
and these terrible chest pains.
1309
01:04:50,165 --> 01:04:52,501
You ate too much.
1310
01:04:52,584 --> 01:04:54,879
It's not gas. It's trust.
1311
01:04:54,962 --> 01:04:56,922
I'm not used
to trusting anyone.
1312
01:04:57,006 --> 01:04:59,091
It doesn't feel right.
1313
01:05:01,636 --> 01:05:03,430
I had one of the hottest...
1314
01:05:03,471 --> 01:05:06,308
Church of the Gethsemane
franchises in Texas.
1315
01:05:06,391 --> 01:05:09,561
It netted about 1,100 a month
in donations...
1316
01:05:09,645 --> 01:05:12,022
pamphlets, baptisms...
1317
01:05:13,774 --> 01:05:16,777
and then she walked in.
1318
01:05:16,861 --> 01:05:18,821
You're sitting on my covers.
1319
01:05:18,863 --> 01:05:25,245
Long red hair,
short red dress, Nadine.
1320
01:05:25,328 --> 01:05:29,625
She said she played the organ,
and she sure played mine.
1321
01:05:29,666 --> 01:05:31,669
I trusted her,
did everything she told me...
1322
01:05:31,752 --> 01:05:33,254
including
burning down my church...
1323
01:05:33,337 --> 01:05:36,340
and running off with her
and the insurance money.
1324
01:05:36,424 --> 01:05:40,845
Then I woke up alone
on a vibrating bed.
1325
01:05:40,929 --> 01:05:43,848
Nadine was gone for good.
1326
01:05:43,932 --> 01:05:46,184
But she did leave me
a couple of quarters...
1327
01:05:46,268 --> 01:05:47,519
to keep the bed going.
1328
01:05:47,602 --> 01:05:49,855
That's what I got
for trusting her...
1329
01:05:49,938 --> 01:05:52,358
over my own selfish instincts.
1330
01:05:52,441 --> 01:05:53,984
Always a mistake.
1331
01:05:55,111 --> 01:05:58,072
You see,
that's what I like about you.
1332
01:05:58,156 --> 01:05:59,782
You talk straight.
1333
01:06:01,618 --> 01:06:04,371
It's hard not to trust you.
1334
01:06:04,454 --> 01:06:05,956
You'll learn.
1335
01:06:12,379 --> 01:06:14,340
And what do we do when
your refrigerator repairman...
1336
01:06:14,382 --> 01:06:16,843
suddenly cancels
an appointment?
1337
01:06:16,884 --> 01:06:18,511
And when your daughter
borrows your new clothes?
1338
01:06:20,305 --> 01:06:22,349
And when your doctor refuses
to validate for parking?
1339
01:06:24,601 --> 01:06:26,687
The snarl is good, a little bit
more protestation...
1340
01:06:26,728 --> 01:06:28,730
and we'll tack a woof on there,
so what you'd have would be...
1341
01:06:33,611 --> 01:06:35,696
Work on it.
- Thank you, Doctor.
1342
01:06:37,073 --> 01:06:39,784
And I'll be looking forward
to our next session.
1343
01:06:39,868 --> 01:06:41,077
I will, too.
1344
01:06:52,548 --> 01:06:54,383
Neo-Pavlovian
rackoff technique...
1345
01:06:54,425 --> 01:06:56,219
for immediate stress relief.
1346
01:07:05,395 --> 01:07:08,315
I'm Dr. George Maitlin
from Los Angeles.
1347
01:07:08,399 --> 01:07:10,192
Are you registered?
1348
01:07:10,276 --> 01:07:14,447
I saw your sign.
I thought I'd drop by.
1349
01:07:14,488 --> 01:07:17,325
I'll gladly pay
whatever fee is...
1350
01:07:17,408 --> 01:07:20,245
The Paleo-Jungian luncheon
is £10.
1351
01:07:20,328 --> 01:07:22,789
The entire conference
carries a fee of £500...
1352
01:07:22,873 --> 01:07:24,750
which includes
the various lectures...
1353
01:07:24,791 --> 01:07:26,793
and the concept exchange
period.
1354
01:07:29,338 --> 01:07:30,756
I'll take lunch.
1355
01:07:30,798 --> 01:07:32,258
Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
1356
01:07:38,348 --> 01:07:41,726
So, we're two Yanks abroad.
1357
01:07:44,187 --> 01:07:46,273
I saw you and your wife...
1358
01:07:46,356 --> 01:07:48,943
playing a word game
in the elevator.
1359
01:07:52,488 --> 01:07:54,449
Where's your practice?
1360
01:07:58,286 --> 01:07:59,996
L.A.
1361
01:08:06,420 --> 01:08:08,339
Mine's in Chicago.
1362
01:08:18,141 --> 01:08:20,518
You're here
just for the conference?
1363
01:08:20,602 --> 01:08:22,354
I'm here on sabbatical.
1364
01:08:22,396 --> 01:08:26,692
I'm...doing research
on a...new book.
1365
01:08:34,742 --> 01:08:35,952
I'm just here...
1366
01:08:36,035 --> 01:08:38,204
to get out of the grind
of Chicago for a while.
1367
01:08:38,246 --> 01:08:40,165
Are you familiar with Chicago?
1368
01:08:42,834 --> 01:08:44,878
I'm telling you,
Cicero County Hospital...
1369
01:08:44,962 --> 01:08:47,965
has got to be the most
depressing hospital...
1370
01:08:48,048 --> 01:08:49,300
in the history of medicine.
1371
01:08:49,383 --> 01:08:51,052
Did you say
"Cicero County Hospital"?
1372
01:08:52,386 --> 01:08:54,222
Are you familiar
with Dr. Baird?
1373
01:08:54,305 --> 01:08:57,350
That's me. Lawrence Baird.
Glad to meet you.
1374
01:08:57,392 --> 01:09:01,271
What do you mean, "That's me"?
- Dr. Baird. Cicero County.
1375
01:09:01,354 --> 01:09:02,689
You're not Dr. Baird.
1376
01:09:02,731 --> 01:09:04,733
Dr. Baird's
in my office in L.A.
1377
01:09:04,817 --> 01:09:07,862
Excuse me. I think
I ought to know who I am...
1378
01:09:07,903 --> 01:09:10,448
better than you do.
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1379
01:09:10,531 --> 01:09:11,741
What are you doing here?
1380
01:09:11,782 --> 01:09:13,785
Just what you're doing.
Eating lunch.
1381
01:09:13,868 --> 01:09:17,789
Well, what about my $200,000?
1382
01:09:19,916 --> 01:09:22,044
Here's your parking pass
for the big dinner tonight...
1383
01:09:22,085 --> 01:09:23,837
and your tux has been
delivered to the hotel.
1384
01:09:23,921 --> 01:09:25,464
Watch the phones for me?
1385
01:09:26,966 --> 01:09:29,051
Can I interest you
in some lunch?
1386
01:09:29,093 --> 01:09:31,929
I can't have lunch.
But you can take me to dinner.
1387
01:09:32,013 --> 01:09:38,562
I'd love to, but
I've got this thing tonight.
1388
01:09:38,603 --> 01:09:41,732
Me, too. Why don't you
pick me up at 6:00?
1389
01:09:41,815 --> 01:09:44,568
Sure. I can pick you up,
but then, like, after...
1390
01:09:44,610 --> 01:09:46,278
I don't think
I'm going straight home...
1391
01:09:46,362 --> 01:09:48,739
after the evening's over, so...
1392
01:09:48,781 --> 01:09:51,451
Well, maybe I can
talk you into it.
1393
01:09:52,952 --> 01:09:56,164
1425 North Orange Grove Avenue.
6:00 ?
1394
01:09:56,247 --> 01:09:57,916
I'll see you there.
1395
01:10:11,305 --> 01:10:12,974
ls this a joke?
- Just wait.
1396
01:10:13,057 --> 01:10:15,143
They're ringing my office
in Beverly Hills.
1397
01:10:15,226 --> 01:10:18,605
If Dr. Lawrence Baird answers,
you've got a problem.
1398
01:10:21,108 --> 01:10:22,484
I'm so glad you're here.
1399
01:10:22,526 --> 01:10:25,988
Listen,
I'm tired of this charade.
1400
01:10:26,071 --> 01:10:28,741
Yes ? Hello ? Dr. Baird's office ?
1401
01:10:28,824 --> 01:10:30,493
I have to tell you who it is.
1402
01:10:30,535 --> 01:10:31,661
Is Dr. Baird in ?
1403
01:10:31,744 --> 01:10:33,204
I'm going to kill Michaels!
1404
01:10:33,288 --> 01:10:35,498
When did you find out?
1405
01:10:35,540 --> 01:10:37,542
Just now!
- Who told you?
1406
01:10:37,626 --> 01:10:39,836
Who cares?
Some doctor from Chicago.
1407
01:10:39,878 --> 01:10:41,004
He's telling everybody!
1408
01:10:41,088 --> 01:10:42,840
I thought I was
the only one who knew!
1409
01:10:42,881 --> 01:10:44,341
You knew? How?
1410
01:10:44,383 --> 01:10:48,846
I mean, I was there.
- Where?
1411
01:10:50,014 --> 01:10:52,642
Do I have to give you
all the sordid details?
1412
01:10:52,725 --> 01:10:55,020
You can tell
Dr. Lawrence Baird...
1413
01:10:55,103 --> 01:10:56,855
that Dr. Lawrence Baird called!
1414
01:10:56,938 --> 01:10:58,190
I deserve it.
1415
01:10:58,231 --> 01:11:00,859
Mostly in hotel rooms,
twice at his house...
1416
01:11:00,943 --> 01:11:03,362
and once--I can't believe
I'm telling you this--
1417
01:11:03,404 --> 01:11:04,905
on his desk.
1418
01:11:04,989 --> 01:11:07,533
What, for Christ's sakes,
are you talking about?
1419
01:11:07,617 --> 01:11:10,161
Michaels. He's the one I've
been having the affair with.
1420
01:11:16,626 --> 01:11:19,713
You've been having an affair
with Harvey Michaels?
1421
01:11:20,964 --> 01:11:24,218
Isn't that what
you were talking about?
1422
01:11:28,389 --> 01:11:31,434
They say
I'm doing my radio show.
1423
01:11:40,652 --> 01:11:44,990
Thanks for watching the phones.
Any calls?
1424
01:12:01,884 --> 01:12:03,385
This what you looking for, Doc?
1425
01:12:03,427 --> 01:12:04,929
Your one-way ticket
to Mexico City?
1426
01:12:05,012 --> 01:12:06,138
That was just--
1427
01:12:06,222 --> 01:12:08,141
What happened
to partners in crime?
1428
01:12:08,224 --> 01:12:09,934
Honor among thieves?
1429
01:12:09,976 --> 01:12:12,270
You don't want to skip
south of the border with me?
1430
01:12:12,312 --> 01:12:14,064
Maybe I don't want
to team up...
1431
01:12:14,105 --> 01:12:16,483
with an asshole
with one bad hand.
1432
01:12:47,809 --> 01:12:51,438
Do you want me to pay?
- Pay him! Pay him!
1433
01:12:51,479 --> 01:12:54,024
We can settle it.
- Give him the money!
1434
01:12:54,107 --> 01:12:55,817
Come on, come on,
we're gonna miss the plane!
1435
01:13:48,082 --> 01:13:51,378
You're not dressed yet?
We're going to be late.
1436
01:13:51,419 --> 01:13:53,004
They'll wait for you, Doctor.
1437
01:13:53,046 --> 01:13:56,675
I guess so.
I'm the prime attraction.
1438
01:13:58,802 --> 01:14:02,223
Have you seen Becker?
He disappeared on me.
1439
01:14:02,264 --> 01:14:05,935
Win a few, lose a few, Doctor.
1440
01:14:06,019 --> 01:14:09,230
What is it now
with this "Doctor"?
1441
01:14:09,314 --> 01:14:11,858
You are a real doctor,
aren't you?
1442
01:14:11,942 --> 01:14:13,402
Dr. Lawrence Baird?
1443
01:14:16,655 --> 01:14:17,948
Who told you?
1444
01:14:19,450 --> 01:14:22,036
The real Dr. Baird. He called.
1445
01:14:22,119 --> 01:14:24,455
Don't worry.
1446
01:14:24,539 --> 01:14:28,042
I didn't give you away.
I covered your ass.
1447
01:14:29,461 --> 01:14:30,921
Why?
1448
01:14:31,004 --> 01:14:34,758
Because I once thought
it was cute.
1449
01:14:36,927 --> 01:14:38,929
The customs people treated you
with such respect...
1450
01:14:38,971 --> 01:14:40,431
and they went through my bag...
1451
01:14:40,473 --> 01:14:43,643
Iike I was some kind of
a drug dealer, you know?
1452
01:14:43,726 --> 01:14:46,729
First stop, Beverly Hills.
465 North Bedford Drive...
1453
01:14:46,771 --> 01:14:49,149
then the Riviera Country Club.
1454
01:14:56,448 --> 01:14:58,284
Nice rental. Where's Harvey...
1455
01:14:58,325 --> 01:15:00,369
and my box
of green dead presidents?
1456
01:15:00,453 --> 01:15:02,413
They're waiting to be exhumed
in the game room.
1457
01:15:02,497 --> 01:15:03,706
Is he here?
1458
01:15:03,790 --> 01:15:05,667
I thought he was
at some kind of banquet.
1459
01:15:05,750 --> 01:15:08,461
Would you stop following me?
I told you to stay in the cab.
1460
01:15:08,545 --> 01:15:11,006
Driving me crazy.
Would you calm down...
1461
01:15:11,089 --> 01:15:12,758
and act like the doctor
you claim to be?
1462
01:15:12,799 --> 01:15:14,343
At least the police
could identify him--
1463
01:15:14,426 --> 01:15:16,387
I've been telling you
for fourteen hours...
1464
01:15:16,470 --> 01:15:18,222
shut the fuck up
about the cops!
1465
01:15:18,305 --> 01:15:19,807
I'm the one
who's been violated!
1466
01:15:19,890 --> 01:15:21,475
What about my reputation?
1467
01:15:21,559 --> 01:15:23,728
Your reputation
isn't worth ten cents.
1468
01:15:23,811 --> 01:15:26,022
My reputation's
a million-dollar industry!
1469
01:15:26,105 --> 01:15:28,400
It'll go right down the toilet
if the public finds out...
1470
01:15:28,483 --> 01:15:31,153
some fraud's been doing
my radio show.
1471
01:15:31,236 --> 01:15:33,488
We got to keep things quiet...
1472
01:15:33,530 --> 01:15:35,908
and I've got to get
my $200,000 back.
1473
01:15:35,991 --> 01:15:39,328
I'm calling the cops!
911--it's the same everywhere.
1474
01:15:42,582 --> 01:15:45,335
Sorry, Doctor, but I haven't
traveled five thousand miles...
1475
01:15:45,376 --> 01:15:47,671
to have you fuck up my revenge.
1476
01:16:02,937 --> 01:16:06,086
OK, Harvey, grab your balls
for the last time.
1477
01:16:10,278 --> 01:16:11,488
Help!
1478
01:16:17,453 --> 01:16:19,664
I'm in Dr. Maitlin's office!
1479
01:16:19,705 --> 01:16:22,834
Here's your money
and here's your contract.
1480
01:16:24,460 --> 01:16:27,213
Just think of it
as your blood test.
1481
01:16:27,297 --> 01:16:29,049
I never get married
on an empty stomach.
1482
01:16:29,132 --> 01:16:31,969
Let me bark down some steamed
puffed chicken rolls...
1483
01:16:32,052 --> 01:16:33,679
some boiled peas,
I'll speed-read this...
1484
01:16:33,721 --> 01:16:35,347
and get back to you
with some addendums.
1485
01:16:35,389 --> 01:16:37,183
Fair enough. By the way,
I want you to know...
1486
01:16:37,224 --> 01:16:39,227
I didn't even take out
the money I advanced you.
1487
01:16:39,268 --> 01:16:42,313
Now, you know why?
- Because it's not your money.
1488
01:16:43,690 --> 01:16:48,069
- This is a serious breach
of professional ethics!
1489
01:16:50,447 --> 01:16:54,910
- Are you there?
Are you there, you rat?
1490
01:16:54,994 --> 01:17:00,416
- Help! Anybody, help!
1491
01:17:00,500 --> 01:17:02,585
- Please help me!
1492
01:17:05,338 --> 01:17:06,882
It's about time.
1493
01:17:06,965 --> 01:17:09,217
Who are you, and what are you
doing in Dr. Baird's closet?
1494
01:17:09,259 --> 01:17:11,136
I'm Dr. Baird.
- Sure, you are.
1495
01:17:11,220 --> 01:17:13,263
That's how come
you're locked in his closet.
1496
01:17:13,347 --> 01:17:16,142
I'm calling the cops.
- Good.
1497
01:17:16,225 --> 01:17:20,605
...true paranoid is the one
in possession of all the facts.
1498
01:17:21,940 --> 01:17:24,567
But the real reason
we're here tonight...
1499
01:17:24,609 --> 01:17:26,695
is to honor
our Dr. George Maitlin...
1500
01:17:26,778 --> 01:17:28,238
and to accept the award...
1501
01:17:28,321 --> 01:17:30,782
a man who's only been with us
for four days...
1502
01:17:30,824 --> 01:17:33,410
How long do these people take?
1503
01:17:33,494 --> 01:17:35,955
How long it takes
is how long it takes.
1504
01:17:36,038 --> 01:17:40,418
Oh. How long it takes
is how long it takes.
1505
01:17:40,460 --> 01:17:42,128
That's not fast enough!
1506
01:17:43,254 --> 01:17:44,923
Freeze, scumbag.
1507
01:17:47,259 --> 01:17:50,262
Get in the closet.
Come on, get in there!
1508
01:17:50,345 --> 01:17:54,517
OK, but you're gonna have to
answer to Dr. Baird about this.
1509
01:17:54,600 --> 01:17:58,938
I am Dr. Baird!
- Sure, you are.
1510
01:17:58,980 --> 01:18:01,441
- I wasn't born yesterday.
1511
01:18:01,482 --> 01:18:03,485
- I'm a trained professional,
fella!
1512
01:18:04,486 --> 01:18:07,155
Thank you. Thank you.
1513
01:18:08,740 --> 01:18:13,204
- Thank you, Harvey.
Thank you. Thanks very much.
1514
01:18:15,998 --> 01:18:19,210
Not here. Go around back.
1515
01:18:19,293 --> 01:18:22,338
...to try to fill
the shoes of a man...
1516
01:18:22,422 --> 01:18:25,842
who has made therapy
a household name.
1517
01:18:30,973 --> 01:18:34,643
Some may say, "Why does therapy
have to take such a long time?"
1518
01:18:34,685 --> 01:18:36,646
To them I say,
there's nothing...
1519
01:18:36,687 --> 01:18:39,399
that can be done
in a short time...
1520
01:18:39,482 --> 01:18:44,154
that can't be done
just as well in a long time.
1521
01:18:48,325 --> 01:18:51,954
Thank you and--wait a minute.
1522
01:18:52,037 --> 01:18:53,873
Oh, boy. You're not
gonna believe this.
1523
01:18:53,956 --> 01:18:55,458
I left that wallet...
1524
01:18:55,541 --> 01:18:57,502
in the other taxi,
the one we took from the air--
1525
01:18:59,504 --> 01:19:02,590
If Dr. George Maitlin
could have been here tonight...
1526
01:19:02,674 --> 01:19:06,386
he would be most, most
honored with this award...
1527
01:19:06,428 --> 01:19:10,015
and he would thank you
for this honor, but...
1528
01:19:14,478 --> 01:19:16,189
You're supposed
to be in London.
1529
01:19:16,230 --> 01:19:18,232
We were gonna tour
the countryside...
1530
01:19:18,274 --> 01:19:20,068
but Vera decided
she wanted to come back...
1531
01:19:20,151 --> 01:19:22,195
to fuck you again.
1532
01:19:22,279 --> 01:19:24,781
You know,
you're not feeling well, and--
1533
01:19:24,865 --> 01:19:26,450
Let's not talk about that
right now.
1534
01:19:26,533 --> 01:19:28,285
Let's talk about money.
- Money?
1535
01:19:28,368 --> 01:19:31,372
You gave my money
to the wrong man!
1536
01:19:31,413 --> 01:19:33,749
He's the perfect choice.
The ratings have soared.
1537
01:19:33,791 --> 01:19:35,543
You shithead! That's not Baird!
1538
01:19:35,585 --> 01:19:37,337
If you go out there
in this condition...
1539
01:19:37,420 --> 01:19:40,882
everyone will know
the kind of man you really are.
1540
01:19:40,965 --> 01:19:44,428
You're right.
We don't want that.
1541
01:19:44,469 --> 01:19:49,934
- Now, some of you may say
that this is a materialistic...
1542
01:19:49,975 --> 01:19:52,937
Good evening, I'm here to--
1543
01:19:52,978 --> 01:19:55,481
I'm sorry.
This is by invitation only.
1544
01:19:55,565 --> 01:19:58,276
I'm Dr. Baird.
1545
01:19:58,318 --> 01:19:59,569
Excuse me?
1546
01:19:59,611 --> 01:20:03,573
Madame,
I am Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1547
01:20:03,615 --> 01:20:05,617
I don't think so.
1548
01:20:05,659 --> 01:20:08,120
I assure you, I am Dr. Baird.
1549
01:20:08,203 --> 01:20:09,872
I'm a legitimate
psychiatrist...
1550
01:20:09,955 --> 01:20:13,334
and this is a legitimate
psychiatrist's dinner!
1551
01:20:13,417 --> 01:20:14,877
Let's just calm down.
1552
01:20:14,961 --> 01:20:17,130
I'm perfectly calm,
I assure you.
1553
01:20:17,213 --> 01:20:20,467
Be a psychiatrist.
1554
01:20:20,550 --> 01:20:23,136
You won't have
to wash your hands as much!
1555
01:20:24,429 --> 01:20:26,223
No trouble.
No trouble whatsoever.
1556
01:20:26,306 --> 01:20:28,392
I'm perfectly calm.
Don't touch me.
1557
01:20:28,475 --> 01:20:30,102
Get your hands off me!
1558
01:20:30,186 --> 01:20:32,647
My goodness,
what do we have here?
1559
01:20:34,398 --> 01:20:36,442
Where's my money?
- Don't worry about the money.
1560
01:20:36,526 --> 01:20:37,694
As soon as the dinner's over...
1561
01:20:37,777 --> 01:20:39,154
we'll get Baird,
or whatever his name is...
1562
01:20:39,237 --> 01:20:40,822
we'll take him outside,
we'll grab the briefcase...
1563
01:20:40,906 --> 01:20:42,324
with the cash.
- Cash?!
1564
01:20:42,407 --> 01:20:43,659
You paid him cash?
1565
01:20:43,742 --> 01:20:45,494
You told me never
to pay anybody in cash!
1566
01:20:45,577 --> 01:20:47,162
It's the only way
he would take the job...
1567
01:20:47,246 --> 01:20:48,664
and so far,
he's worth every penny.
1568
01:20:48,706 --> 01:20:53,836
I'll kill him!
And when I get finished...
1569
01:20:53,920 --> 01:20:55,838
if there are
any bullets left...
1570
01:20:57,090 --> 01:20:59,634
On your desk.
1571
01:20:59,676 --> 01:21:02,387
Thank you. You have been
a beautiful audience.
1572
01:21:02,471 --> 01:21:05,140
- Quick! He's getting away!
1573
01:21:06,558 --> 01:21:08,561
Hurry!
- Crowd, clear, please!
1574
01:21:08,644 --> 01:21:10,020
Crowd, clear, please!
1575
01:21:10,062 --> 01:21:12,982
Watch your stuffed
chicken rolls, folks. Parking!
1576
01:21:13,024 --> 01:21:17,153
...be arresting the fake!
I'm Dr. Baird! Listen to me!
1577
01:21:17,237 --> 01:21:22,200
I am Dr. Baird! I am--
1578
01:21:26,538 --> 01:21:29,250
Be on back to my office
on Monday. See you later!
1579
01:21:40,053 --> 01:21:41,179
When do we board?
1580
01:21:41,263 --> 01:21:42,681
Fifteen minutes.
- Thanks.
1581
01:21:42,723 --> 01:21:43,849
...that has developed here.
1582
01:21:43,932 --> 01:21:45,893
Because of the difficulty
of the access...
1583
01:21:45,976 --> 01:21:47,520
to the Hollywood sign,
it's going to take...
1584
01:21:47,603 --> 01:21:49,188
a coordination
of Herculean effort...
1585
01:21:49,271 --> 01:21:50,856
on the part of all three
of these departments...
1586
01:21:50,898 --> 01:21:52,442
to deal with the problem.
As you can see...
1587
01:21:52,525 --> 01:21:54,652
an unidentified man has climbed
to the top of the "Y".
1588
01:21:54,736 --> 01:21:56,362
- Continental announces...
1589
01:21:56,404 --> 01:21:58,949
- the boarding of flight 45
to Mexico City.
1590
01:21:59,032 --> 01:22:00,992
You just don't have
your thinking cap on.
1591
01:22:01,076 --> 01:22:02,911
We don't want
to go public with this.
1592
01:22:02,995 --> 01:22:06,415
The pens from my office!
My jellybeans!
1593
01:22:06,457 --> 01:22:07,750
Your eye's not on the sparrow.
1594
01:22:07,792 --> 01:22:10,419
I want my $200,000!
- It's deductible.
1595
01:22:10,503 --> 01:22:12,422
It's a legitimate
business expense.
1596
01:22:12,505 --> 01:22:14,757
We're talking, what,
72.5% of that.
1597
01:22:14,799 --> 01:22:18,094
Then I want my $145,000!
My antique lighter!
1598
01:22:18,178 --> 01:22:19,763
And you say he's not a crook!
1599
01:22:19,846 --> 01:22:21,640
You made a commitment.
1600
01:22:21,723 --> 01:22:23,934
And remember, in this town,
your word's your bond.
1601
01:22:24,017 --> 01:22:25,769
Let's not forget Balzac
when he said...
1602
01:22:25,853 --> 01:22:27,897
"A man's reputation
is like a famous painting.
1603
01:22:27,980 --> 01:22:29,440
"Once its authenticity's
questioned, it's never--"
1604
01:22:29,523 --> 01:22:32,276
Shut up!
- Right.
1605
01:22:32,318 --> 01:22:34,362
We'll have to get back
to you on that...
1606
01:22:34,445 --> 01:22:35,822
if you promise
to come back to us...
1607
01:22:35,905 --> 01:22:37,699
as soon as we get
the picture and the sound.
1608
01:22:37,782 --> 01:22:39,618
As you can see from
our helicopter up in the sky...
1609
01:22:39,701 --> 01:22:40,953
we're getting
a very clear picture now.
1610
01:22:41,036 --> 01:22:42,996
The man seems to be dressed
all in black...
1611
01:22:43,080 --> 01:22:46,458
in some sort of ministerial
suit of clothing.
1612
01:22:46,542 --> 01:22:48,628
Late word has come in.
1613
01:22:48,711 --> 01:22:51,380
The man's name is Donald Becker.
One Donald Becker.
1614
01:22:51,464 --> 01:22:53,424
If there is a relative
out there...
1615
01:22:53,466 --> 01:22:54,801
who knows Donald Becker...
1616
01:22:54,884 --> 01:22:57,429
could you please make your way
to the Hollywood sign?
1617
01:22:57,470 --> 01:22:58,638
Perhaps you could, uh...
1618
01:22:58,722 --> 01:23:01,433
I'm doing this for you, Baird!
1619
01:23:01,475 --> 01:23:04,311
Please don't do this.
1620
01:23:04,395 --> 01:23:06,480
Please don't do this to me.
1621
01:23:06,564 --> 01:23:09,317
Where are you now?
1622
01:23:09,358 --> 01:23:11,319
In first class.
1623
01:23:21,914 --> 01:23:25,668
- I've never seen
such a mass of chaos in my life.
1624
01:23:25,709 --> 01:23:27,253
We'll cut to the copter
in the air...
1625
01:23:27,336 --> 01:23:29,172
to see if they can pick it up.
1626
01:23:29,255 --> 01:23:32,258
He seems to be saying "Baird."
1627
01:23:32,342 --> 01:23:35,053
Where is he?
Where is he?
1628
01:23:35,136 --> 01:23:36,763
Where's who?
1629
01:23:36,847 --> 01:23:38,807
It's only money.
It's only money.
1630
01:23:38,849 --> 01:23:40,267
You can cash in
on his momentum.
1631
01:23:40,350 --> 01:23:41,769
You don't want to blow that.
1632
01:23:41,852 --> 01:23:43,979
That looks like
Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1633
01:23:44,021 --> 01:23:45,189
You crook!
1634
01:23:45,272 --> 01:23:46,983
...recently on the radio.
Dr. Baird...
1635
01:23:47,024 --> 01:23:49,277
there's a rumor that
this man is your patient.
1636
01:23:49,360 --> 01:23:51,070
Is this true, and if so,
how does it reflect...
1637
01:23:51,154 --> 01:23:52,363
on your treatment of him?
1638
01:23:52,447 --> 01:23:54,991
Badly, but maybe he won't live
to spread the word.
1639
01:23:55,033 --> 01:23:56,576
Thank you.
That was Dr. Lawrence Baird...
1640
01:23:56,660 --> 01:23:59,496
noted radio psychiatrist.
My goodness.
1641
01:23:59,538 --> 01:24:01,498
Looks like Dr. Baird has taken
Captain Goldblatt's horse!
1642
01:24:01,540 --> 01:24:02,791
With my money!
1643
01:24:02,875 --> 01:24:05,503
lsn't anybody--
- I'll stop him!
1644
01:24:08,798 --> 01:24:10,842
Good shot.
1645
01:24:10,925 --> 01:24:12,719
Where are we going?
- Guess!
1646
01:24:16,890 --> 01:24:20,269
Are you Dr. Baird?
It's an honor to meet you.
1647
01:24:20,352 --> 01:24:22,229
Listen, I have got
to get up to the "Y."
1648
01:24:22,313 --> 01:24:23,731
My wife heard you on the air.
1649
01:24:23,814 --> 01:24:25,566
When she finds out
I met you in person--
1650
01:24:26,901 --> 01:24:29,529
Listen, Doc, actually, I got
a little problem with her.
1651
01:24:29,612 --> 01:24:30,863
For the last few months--
1652
01:24:30,905 --> 01:24:32,907
We should really
talk about this later.
1653
01:24:32,949 --> 01:24:35,410
She likes to come home Friday,
put on my uniform--
1654
01:24:35,494 --> 01:24:37,704
Is that the only way out?
Is there any other way out?
1655
01:24:37,746 --> 01:24:38,956
It's not like she's kinky,
either.
1656
01:24:39,039 --> 01:24:40,541
I think she just wants
to be me.
1657
01:24:40,624 --> 01:24:43,085
Look, I am responsible
for this guy, and--
1658
01:24:43,127 --> 01:24:45,087
She runs around
writing parking tickets.
1659
01:24:45,129 --> 01:24:46,923
She tries to pee standing up.
1660
01:24:47,006 --> 01:24:48,424
Well, I'll see what I can do.
1661
01:24:48,508 --> 01:24:50,552
I'll put my mind
to a solution to your problem...
1662
01:24:50,635 --> 01:24:52,387
and see if we can't
come up with something...
1663
01:24:52,429 --> 01:24:53,763
but I have to go.
1664
01:24:53,805 --> 01:24:56,099
Yeah, but, Doc, I really
need your advice on this--
1665
01:24:56,183 --> 01:24:58,727
Got a session down here now.
See you after.
1666
01:24:58,769 --> 01:25:00,938
Just in case
you don't make it...
1667
01:25:01,021 --> 01:25:02,314
Later. We'll talk later.
1668
01:25:02,398 --> 01:25:04,775
I really will
think about it, though.
1669
01:25:06,777 --> 01:25:08,655
It's you.
1670
01:25:08,738 --> 01:25:11,574
Decided to come back, have you?
1671
01:25:11,616 --> 01:25:14,744
Besides, I thought you were
on your way to Mexico.
1672
01:25:14,828 --> 01:25:19,458
What happened--my fatal
attraction lured you back?
1673
01:25:19,541 --> 01:25:22,795
This is a fitting setting
for our reunion.
1674
01:25:23,921 --> 01:25:26,340
Where's your unicycle
and your umbrella?
1675
01:25:26,424 --> 01:25:29,802
I've seen trained bears
do better wire acts.
1676
01:25:33,390 --> 01:25:34,766
I can't see my money.
1677
01:25:34,808 --> 01:25:36,268
Maybe he gave it
to someone to hold.
1678
01:25:36,310 --> 01:25:38,312
Cool it about the money.
There's TV here.
1679
01:25:38,353 --> 01:25:39,646
You want
the whole world to know?
1680
01:25:39,730 --> 01:25:40,981
He could fall,
and we'd never find it.
1681
01:25:41,023 --> 01:25:43,192
You're a doctor.
Act concerned.
1682
01:25:43,275 --> 01:25:45,528
You don't think I'm concerned?
1683
01:25:45,611 --> 01:25:49,073
You give away my $200,000
and sleep with my wife?
1684
01:25:49,157 --> 01:25:50,867
I'm concerned.
1685
01:25:50,950 --> 01:25:52,994
Quiet.
A man's life is at stake.
1686
01:25:53,078 --> 01:25:55,372
Guess whose.
1687
01:25:56,915 --> 01:26:00,169
As I've said, I've been at
numerous crisis situations...
1688
01:26:00,210 --> 01:26:03,673
but never one where the parking
was just so terrible.
1689
01:26:17,146 --> 01:26:18,689
Hold on. Hang on.
1690
01:26:23,444 --> 01:26:25,071
That's it.
1691
01:26:27,824 --> 01:26:29,325
Why did you come back?
1692
01:26:29,409 --> 01:26:31,494
I'm still trying
to figure that out.
1693
01:26:32,829 --> 01:26:35,540
Scared, Doctor?
- You've got the wrong man.
1694
01:26:35,582 --> 01:26:37,543
You just needed a little help.
1695
01:26:37,584 --> 01:26:39,003
How did you get up here anyway?
1696
01:26:39,044 --> 01:26:40,963
Same way you did, Doc.
1697
01:26:42,548 --> 01:26:45,051
Thanks for thinking of this.
1698
01:26:45,093 --> 01:26:46,260
What do you want?
1699
01:26:46,344 --> 01:26:48,763
What do I want?
What do you want?
1700
01:26:48,847 --> 01:26:50,265
You're the one
who was screaming...
1701
01:26:50,348 --> 01:26:51,850
all over local TV for me.
1702
01:26:51,892 --> 01:26:54,102
I just wanted you
to watch me jump.
1703
01:26:54,186 --> 01:26:56,104
Bullshit. You wanted me here.
1704
01:26:56,188 --> 01:26:59,567
Now I'm here, so let's do it.
1705
01:27:01,444 --> 01:27:04,947
Great. Let's do it.
1706
01:27:06,157 --> 01:27:09,953
Me first.
- We jump together.
1707
01:27:10,036 --> 01:27:12,372
But before we go, there's
something I gotta tell you.
1708
01:27:12,414 --> 01:27:15,042
Hurry up.
I haven't got all night.
1709
01:27:15,083 --> 01:27:17,670
I was history.
I had in my possession...
1710
01:27:17,753 --> 01:27:21,716
$200,000 in crisp, cold cash.
I was rich.
1711
01:27:23,968 --> 01:27:26,638
You take this key...
1712
01:27:26,721 --> 01:27:30,559
go to the airport,
get my 200,000...
1713
01:27:30,600 --> 01:27:32,894
and start a new life.
1714
01:27:41,112 --> 01:27:43,406
Why did you come back?
1715
01:27:43,448 --> 01:27:46,075
You were wrong
when you said I deserted you...
1716
01:27:46,117 --> 01:27:48,161
but you were right
about the pants.
1717
01:27:49,579 --> 01:27:51,748
Size thirty-eight crazy.
1718
01:27:51,790 --> 01:27:55,419
What?
- Prison issue.
1719
01:27:55,502 --> 01:27:58,464
The County Correctional
Mental Facility For Men...
1720
01:27:58,547 --> 01:28:00,633
at Cicero, lllinois.
1721
01:28:00,716 --> 01:28:05,096
John William Burns, Jr.,
inmate number 7474505-B...
1722
01:28:05,138 --> 01:28:09,476
current status--
escaped and at large.
1723
01:28:19,779 --> 01:28:21,572
They'll get us.
1724
01:28:21,656 --> 01:28:23,616
We'll live to jump again.
1725
01:28:56,026 --> 01:28:58,028
Cuff him.
- Arrest him, too.
1726
01:28:58,112 --> 01:28:59,614
Dr. Baird? He's the hero.
1727
01:28:59,697 --> 01:29:01,240
That's the nut case
we're taking in.
1728
01:29:01,324 --> 01:29:02,700
He's not Dr. Baird!
1729
01:29:02,784 --> 01:29:04,828
What's in a name?
This man's a hero.
1730
01:29:04,911 --> 01:29:07,497
George, don't be ungracious.
- He stole my money!
1731
01:29:07,581 --> 01:29:10,083
Come, come, we'll talk.
1732
01:29:10,167 --> 01:29:12,461
Here.
You better take back your key.
1733
01:29:12,544 --> 01:29:15,214
Absolutely not. My offer
still stands. You keep it.
1734
01:29:15,297 --> 01:29:18,009
They're gonna lock me up.
- Don't count on it.
1735
01:29:19,510 --> 01:29:21,721
Sorry about this.
I'm gonna have to take you in.
1736
01:29:21,804 --> 01:29:24,015
That's quite all right.
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
1737
01:29:24,057 --> 01:29:26,559
A nice guy like you?
It's a shame.
1738
01:29:26,601 --> 01:29:29,396
I quite agree.
- Cuff him, too.
1739
01:29:29,438 --> 01:29:33,233
Listen, Captain,
you don't want him.
1740
01:29:33,317 --> 01:29:35,110
He's not a criminal.
He hasn't done anything wrong.
1741
01:29:35,194 --> 01:29:36,570
I sent him up there.
1742
01:29:36,612 --> 01:29:39,949
It's not his fault.
It's my fault. Let him go.
1743
01:29:43,661 --> 01:29:46,706
You'll still be
on the 11:00 news.
1744
01:29:50,419 --> 01:29:52,296
Release the other guy.
1745
01:29:59,345 --> 01:30:01,931
I want my money!
He took my money!
1746
01:30:02,015 --> 01:30:04,309
You! You! You took my money!
1747
01:30:04,392 --> 01:30:06,645
Are you Maitlin?
- You're damn right!
1748
01:30:06,728 --> 01:30:08,897
Author of the theory
of psychocerebral equilibrium?
1749
01:30:08,939 --> 01:30:10,274
You better believe it!
1750
01:30:10,357 --> 01:30:11,900
Garbage!
- Garbage?!
1751
01:30:11,942 --> 01:30:13,569
I'll show you garbage!
1752
01:30:13,611 --> 01:30:16,113
This is no time for violence.
1753
01:30:16,155 --> 01:30:18,825
Wrong, Harvey!
- Holy shit!
1754
01:30:18,908 --> 01:30:20,785
You let my money get away.
1755
01:30:20,868 --> 01:30:23,079
But you didn't.
- I'm your friend!
1756
01:30:23,121 --> 01:30:25,957
You banged my wife
for a year and a half...
1757
01:30:26,041 --> 01:30:28,085
on your lousy desk!
1758
01:30:28,168 --> 01:30:30,587
The desk
is a signed Julian Schnabel!
1759
01:30:30,629 --> 01:30:32,339
Sign this!
1760
01:30:32,423 --> 01:30:36,093
Jesus! He's got a gun!
Grab him! Get him!
1761
01:30:36,177 --> 01:30:38,971
We have another
late-breaking development.
1762
01:30:39,013 --> 01:30:40,848
Gunshots have erupted beneath
the famed Hollywood sign...
1763
01:30:40,932 --> 01:30:42,851
which recently saw
the thrilling rescue...
1764
01:30:42,934 --> 01:30:46,146
of a deranged patient by radio
psychiatrist Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1765
01:30:46,229 --> 01:30:48,690
The alleged assailant is
allegedly Dr. George Maitlin...
1766
01:30:48,774 --> 01:30:50,400
another Los Angeles
psychiatrist.
1767
01:30:50,484 --> 01:30:51,777
Perhaps we could get
an interview with him.
1768
01:30:51,819 --> 01:30:53,946
Dr. Maitlin, is there
anything you'd like to say?
1769
01:30:54,029 --> 01:30:56,490
Fuck you !!!
- Well, that's another first.
1770
01:30:56,949 --> 01:30:58,951
Let's check on two-thirty.
1771
01:31:01,830 --> 01:31:03,665
Doctor.
1772
01:31:03,707 --> 01:31:06,209
I'm Dr. Baird.
1773
01:31:06,293 --> 01:31:08,170
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1774
01:31:08,253 --> 01:31:09,463
I hear you.
1775
01:31:09,505 --> 01:31:12,633
I hear you saying
you're Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1776
01:31:12,675 --> 01:31:15,052
I am Dr. Baird, though.
I really am.
1777
01:31:15,136 --> 01:31:16,554
I'm Dr. Baird.
1778
01:31:16,637 --> 01:31:18,306
I hear you. I really do.
1779
01:31:18,347 --> 01:31:20,808
I hear you saying,
"l am Dr. Baird."
1780
01:31:20,850 --> 01:31:23,645
You're not really
listening to me.
1781
01:31:23,687 --> 01:31:25,272
You think you're hearing
what I'm saying...
1782
01:31:25,355 --> 01:31:26,690
but you're not
really listening.
1783
01:31:26,732 --> 01:31:28,358
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1784
01:31:28,442 --> 01:31:31,528
I'm a qualified,
accredited psychiatrist...
1785
01:31:31,612 --> 01:31:33,823
and somebody else
has supplanted me.
1786
01:31:33,864 --> 01:31:37,201
Up his thorazine
to 500 milligrams.
1787
01:31:37,243 --> 01:31:40,246
Another evaluation for you,
Dr. Smet.
1788
01:31:40,330 --> 01:31:42,707
Amazing.
- What, sir?
1789
01:31:42,749 --> 01:31:45,043
How many psychiatrists
we're getting these days.
1789.4
01:31:48,548 --> 01:31:50,257
Dr. Maitlin ?
1789.6
01:31:51,821 --> 01:31:53,073
Dr. Maitlin ?
1790
01:31:53,260 --> 01:31:55,346
What?
- I'm Dr. Smet.
1791
01:31:58,266 --> 01:32:00,101
I'm not sick.
1792
01:32:03,730 --> 01:32:06,566
I just need space.
1793
01:32:39,310 --> 01:32:43,315
- And the moon
lights up the night
1794
01:32:43,398 --> 01:32:46,485
- My eyes light up
when you call my name
1795
01:32:46,568 --> 01:32:47,945
- I get a fever--
1796
01:32:48,028 --> 01:32:51,240
Hey, Houdini, let's go.
You're going to Lompoc.
1797
01:32:51,282 --> 01:32:53,951
You give me fever
1798
01:32:57,288 --> 01:32:59,708
See you later,
fellow timesters.
1799
01:32:59,791 --> 01:33:01,251
- Good luck.
1800
01:33:04,171 --> 01:33:06,840
You'll be glad to know
that the horror stories...
1801
01:33:06,924 --> 01:33:08,801
about Lompoc prison
aren't really true.
1802
01:33:08,884 --> 01:33:10,302
Good.
1803
01:33:10,344 --> 01:33:12,430
I mean, they got rid
of most of the rats.
1804
01:33:12,471 --> 01:33:15,308
The number of knife attacks
is way down...
1805
01:33:15,349 --> 01:33:20,021
as are the cases of ptomaine
poisoning and gang rape.
1806
01:33:20,105 --> 01:33:21,481
I'm glad to hear it.
1807
01:33:21,565 --> 01:33:23,483
I mean, they haven't had
a really nasty death...
1808
01:33:23,567 --> 01:33:26,820
there in at least a week.
1809
01:33:26,904 --> 01:33:29,490
Nice.
- Hey, ah..
1810
01:33:29,573 --> 01:33:32,159
Frank, a little trouble ahead.
1811
01:33:32,243 --> 01:33:37,040
33 David, we got a 902T
at Pacific Coast Highway...
1812
01:33:37,123 --> 01:33:38,625
and Decker Canyon. Send rescue.
1813
01:33:46,008 --> 01:33:48,636
There's a woman
trapped in there!
1814
01:34:05,320 --> 01:34:06,989
Hey, what's going on?
1815
01:34:07,031 --> 01:34:10,368
Frank, stop that van!
Stop, or I'll shoot!
1816
01:34:10,409 --> 01:34:12,703
You're under arrest! Stop!
1817
01:34:16,666 --> 01:34:19,836
You didn't say they were
gonna be shooting at us!
1818
01:34:19,920 --> 01:34:23,006
Hey, Dr. Rollins !
Welcome to life on the lam!
1819
01:34:23,090 --> 01:34:25,342
Hold still
while I get these off.
1820
01:34:25,384 --> 01:34:28,220
You really are everything
a guy could want.
1821
01:34:28,262 --> 01:34:30,723
Shit!
- What? What's wrong?
1822
01:34:30,765 --> 01:34:32,558
The Freon's not working!
1823
01:34:32,642 --> 01:34:34,394
Who planned this disaster,
anyway?
1824
01:34:34,435 --> 01:34:35,895
She did.
- He did!
1825
01:34:35,979 --> 01:34:38,690
The gods of transportation
have been kind to us.
1826
01:34:45,823 --> 01:34:48,159
Put this on.
- How?
1827
01:34:48,242 --> 01:34:50,161
Over your shoulders. Good.
1828
01:34:50,244 --> 01:34:51,454
Just call me the wild one.
1829
01:34:51,537 --> 01:34:53,706
Good luck, boys.
- You're not coming with us?
1830
01:34:53,748 --> 01:34:55,041
This is it for me.
1831
01:34:55,083 --> 01:34:56,668
But, I don't want you, Becker.
1832
01:34:56,751 --> 01:34:58,378
I want the girl.
This isn't fair.
1833
01:34:58,420 --> 01:35:00,213
Life isn't fair. Hop on.
1834
01:35:00,255 --> 01:35:02,633
But I don't want to escape
with you. I hate you.
1835
01:35:02,716 --> 01:35:04,218
I can accept that.
1836
01:35:10,016 --> 01:35:11,642
This hog can kick ass!
1837
01:35:11,726 --> 01:35:14,646
Can outrun any cop car
built since '71!
1838
01:35:14,729 --> 01:35:16,439
Where did you get
this bike, anyway?
1839
01:35:16,523 --> 01:35:19,151
I dipped into petty cash--
your briefcase!
1840
01:35:19,234 --> 01:35:20,610
I take back everything...
1841
01:35:20,694 --> 01:35:23,113
I ever said about you!
You really are crazy!
1842
01:35:23,155 --> 01:35:24,949
How far do you think
we're gonna get on this thing?
1843
01:35:25,032 --> 01:35:27,743
To Monte Carlo.
- On a motorcycle?
1844
01:35:27,785 --> 01:35:30,621
No! On Harvey's yacht!
1845
01:35:30,705 --> 01:35:34,000
Becker! There are worse things
than being crazy!
141751
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