Original subtitles

Bethune: Thank you, everyone, for joining us today at this

meetup of the South Side Business Alliance.

And, of course, our thanks to RTO for hosting us.

[ Applause ]

Some of you know me, I'm Adam Bethune.

Man: Whoo!

[ Applause ]

I'm joined today by Lamar Wilson

and Lafe Taylor from the Wacoinda project,

as well as Jerry Scottadalehauser

who's a Crypto entrepreneur. Now, the Lamar, Lafe --

I guess you could say I started from the bottom, now I'm here.

No, Jerry --

You know, it's funny, I used to owe RTO money.

Jerry. We're actually gonna start over here.

Stay tuned. Press pause.

I'll be right back with you in a minute.

Lamar, Lafe, what got you guys into Bitcoin?

Well, there are people right here on the South Side...

Mm-hmm.

...that can't participate in the economy because --

Because in the words of Langston Hughes,

"Life for them ain't been no crystal stair."

I was gonna say because they don't have bank accounts

or credit cards.Okay, sure, that too.

But everybody has a smartphone,

and with Bitcoin it's like you're carrying your bank

in your own pocket.

It's actually the economic freedom aspect

that attracted us.

And, Jerry, it's my understanding

that you're the CEO of something called Litcoin.

Oh.

What exactly is Litcoin,

and how is it different?

Well, I guess the biggest difference between

Litcoin and Bitcoin is Litcoin is...lit.

[ Applause ]

So, what I'm trying to say is, who wants a free T-shirt?

[ Laughs ]

Oh! Oh!

Yeah!

♪ I was born on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ I was raised on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Everybody stick together like we in a line ♪

♪ 'Cause it ain't no side like the South Side ♪

♪ On the South Side ♪

♪ South Side! ♪

So the prices on these lamps went up just a tad.

So instead of $4 a week, you're gonna be paying $13 a week.

Okay?

[ Computer beeps ]

"Pay with Litcoin?"

Q! This bum-ass store take Litcoin now?

Wait, what, we take Litcoin now? Since when?

Hold up. Hold up, brother. Wait, we got Litcoin?

Oh, shit.

It's all about that blockchain.

They take Litcoin down the street. I heard about that.

[ Whispering ] Shh!

We don't take it...yet.

-Come on, now. -Sorry, sorry.

-Hurry. -Excuse me. Sorry.

Excuse me, fake-ass Questlove.

[ Hushed voice ] Okay, look. We are in possession

of insider information like Martha Stewart.

My wife made a tuna casserole, man.

It's getting cold. I'm really hungry.

What is this all about?

This is about us getting P-A-I-D.

RTO is about to take Litcoin.

Oh, then other stores will probably start taking it, too.

Exactly. That means Litcoin is about to pop.

Warren Buffett said that "crypto is rat poisoning."

That's what he said. It actually kills actual rats.

Hey, everybody, if Bishop thinks it's stupid,

you know that shit is smart.

All: Ooh!

You know what I'm about to do? I'm about to "ooh" upstairs

and get all the commission

'cause all y'all dumbasses down here.

Anyway, anyway, all right, all right.

Look, look, look.

I got five on it.

-$5? -Mm-hmm.

In all honesty, this is a better investment than your son.

-[ Exhales sharply ] -Oh.

I hate doing this to you...

[ All murmuring ]

But you know what I'm sayin'?

All right, nigga. Square up.

I meant for your son.

Don't touch me. [ Sighs ]

I'm not, I'm not. For. F-O-R.

[ Breathing shakily ]

Sims... [ Chuckles ]

Y'all get Litcoin.

Let's work together.

Turner: Don't hit me with the "I ain't no snitch."

You know how dumb you sound talkin' about

some "no snitching"?

That's like going to the hospital,

being severely injured, and when they ask you

"What's wrong?" "I can't tell you."

Oh, what? You just gonna die, dumbass?

What? You gonna bleed out, bitch?

Stupid. Snitch. Snitch. Snitch.

I want all snitches in here.

[ Upbeat music plays ]

[ Crowd applauds ]

What is a dollar? Right?

I mean, a dollar is just a promise.

It's not backed by anything.

But Litcoin is about the promise of you.

That's why today, I have huge news.

I am very proud to announce the Litcoin Merchant Alliance.

Featuring all these amazing merchants and businesses

and more now accepting Litcoin.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Troublemaker.

Malcontent.

Are you an at-risk youth?

I don't know if we...

You seem at risk. But you know what?

I like you...sir.

Pugilist.

Oh, yeah. Like, yeah, you know.

I know the type. Quick to fight.

Want to settle things with these ten things right here, huh?

What if the next guy that you want to thrash has one of these?

Yeah.

You got to think about that before you approach somebody.

You got to ask yourself, hey, wait a second,

what if...he's...p--

Turner: Ooh! Ohh!

Oh. Oh, Goodnight,

um, you okay?[ Groans ]

Martinez, call -- Call 9-- Call 911.

-Ooh. He's bleeding. -Mnh-mnh! Mnh-mnh! Mnh-mnh!

Okay, I'm gonna call 911.

[ Clears throat ]I'm gonna call...uh...

Oh, my God. Did you get that 9-1-1?

-I'm rich! -Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sit down. Sit down, everybody. Sit down.

I'm rich!

My Litcoin just blew up, girl.

My Litcoin just blew up! I'm rich and I quit!

I quit, girl!

Culpepper, I quit!

Okay, I think, uh, y'all can go now.

Okay, and I think it's best you don't say nothin'

about what you saw here. Because y'all ain't no snitches!

[ All cheering ]

Simon: I can't look! I can't look!

Just tell me, just tell me, just tell me!

Dude...

Let's just say you almost have almost $7,000, man!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

I'm gonna take a weekend trip to Milwaukee! Ha-ha!

Wisconsin, here I come!

Good news, kids. Y'all are all going to college.

I'm looking at three future college students,

one of which needs braces and will probably

go to a junior college for two years first.

But y'all are all going. Daddy love ya.

You know, it reminds me of a poem.

So what's the plan? We gonna buy us some Litcoin?

Mnh-mnh. We're gonna kidnap the white dude.

Everything Litcoin runs through you, Jerry.

We need you to set up a Litcoin mine in this house.

Only you can do it.

Yeah.

I see you equivocating,

but what you don't understand is, the sooner you start,

the sooner we can take your ass back to Roscoe Village.

You understand me?

How you feel about that, Bluto?

It was cool, it was cool.

Just don't -- don't force the anger, man.

Let the words do the work.

I like that.

[ Inhales sharply ]

You ready?

Yeah.

Bring him in.

[ Sniffs, clears throat ]

Okay, I get it.

Kidnap the crypto CEO, right?

Okay, but look.

Things you don't -- Ay![ Handcuffs click ]

You picked the worst week to do it, okay?

How about we come back in a month?

Hell, I'll come to you.

We can figure this all out.

Shh.

A dollar is a promise.

Your words.

I said that? That's pretty good.

Bars, right? Isn't that a thing?

Shouldn't I get a telescope with my new Litcoin money?

Comet 67P is coming and it only comes every 60 years.

[ Grumbles ]

You'll see the next one.

Keep your money with me and Spike.

You'll be able to buy 15 telescopes.

-Nephew! -What up, Spike?

I almost doubted you when you told me to invest in Litcoin.

[ Chuckles ] I'm glad you listened.

'Cause I see the skeezes you be dating,

and I thought you got syphilis

and the virus finally went to your brain, but...

I'm glad I took your advice.

You was right.Yeah, I was right. I appreciate that.

Well, what's the next idea? Come on.

You know, my best idea is being able to judge

other people's ideas.

So you know what that means.

We're about to be venture capitalists.

-Ooh. -On the South Side.

-Adventure capitalists. -Venture capitalists.

My way is better. 'Cause we're taking people's money on an adventure.

[ Snaps fingers ]

Come on, man. I'm always right.

Come on!

Welcome to Spike Tank.

Simon and Spike's Tank of Sharks.

And K.

I present to you extendable shoes for children.

They new grow out of style.

Big Ass Showerhead.

Liquid condoms.

First you dip it,

then you dip it.

Basics. Cocaine.

We buy 10 keys of pure Columbian.

I'm listening.

You can't be serious.

So it's basically

a new gym called Slow Motion.

Where everybody got to work out as if they is in slow motion.

We're gonna sell a million raffle tickets.

But ain't nobody gonna win that raffle.

You know what I'm talkin' about!

[ Laughs ]

All right, brothers. I'll see myself out.

Just give me a ring when you're ready. Okay.

I have an idea.

The baby shake.

Barry, shaking babies leads to brain damage.

[ Slurping ]

All: Ohh!

Okay.

First of all, let me start off saying that,

congratulations on all your success.

I mean, good thing you didn't listen

to dear old Bishop, you know?

'Cause I was dead wrong. [ Chuckles ]

'Cause you're doin' well. Let's cut to the chase.

Now, how do you think Edgerin here got his waves?

Easy. Wash his hair. Then apply Dax or Murray's.

Then brush and brush for hours.

Put a do-rag on for the night. Et voilà!

Simple two-day process.

Now, see, that's the old way of doing things.

I'm about to show you guys a new way of doing things.

I present to you...

Brush Free Waves.

No brush. No do-rag.

Pure Poseidon.

Wow! Oh, my...

[ Hushed voice ] Come here for a second.

That's right. Talk about it.

Let's deal a make --

I mean, make a deal.

You also got to pay these guys, too.

'Cause they're not working for free.

[ Controllers clicking ]

Voltron!

You know, it's kinda nice to take a break

from Litcoin hype train for a while.

You ever say the same word so much

it starts sounding stupid to you?

Like money. Money, money.

Money ain't shit but a damn delusion anyway.

No, man, money does important work.

Money is a machine.

It transports the value of your labor into the future.

[ Crowd cheering ]

Brother, you smart as hell sometimes.

I don't think I really tell you that enough.

[ Clears throat ]

Hmm.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Sighs, sniffles ]

And you're losing weight.

Mnh! [ Clears throat ]

♪♪

♪♪

And you know what really punches my ticket

is that she took my Pyrex. I know that she did.

Because I recognize it 'cause I put a little "X" on the bottom

so that no one would get it.

Goodnight: Mnh. Mm-hmm.

-Sandy... -Hm?

...are you listening to your police scanner?

[ Smacks lips ]

I am.

As much as I love my down time...

And I like my down time like the next man,

but, you know, this is hard to admit.

[ Chuckles ]

I miss it down here.

I actually miss the South Side.

A-Am I under arrest?

No, no, no, no. We're just... [ Chuckles ]

We're just getting to know each other, you know?

Okay.

Simon: How did y'all come up with this recipe anyway?

Well, it came to me in a dream.

Matter of fact, my grandmother

came and told me about it, right?

I think she was giving me

a baked-chicken recipe,

but I didn't hear what she was really saying,

so I ended up making a hair product out of it.

Anyway, she gave me this recipe, right?

And let me tell you what it is.

It's hot-dog water, right,

MemoryGel, lemon zest, and bone marrow.

But this is the most important one.

You see this? This is our secret weapon.

This Might Help!

-[ Laughs ] -Wait a minute.

Isn't this the stuff they use in the commercials

where the old men date models?

Not only do they date them, they marry them.

[ Laughs ]

You know what I mean? But the only problem is...

[ Sighs ] It's so expensive, man.

This is the one thing

bottlenecking the whole production.

Yeah, that's the beautiful thing

about having partners.

'Cause this might help.

-Mm-hmm. -[ Chuckles ]

-Yeah. -So there you have it, y'all.

Travy Trav Listening Party.

What you think about that, Chase?

[ Chuckles ] That's another hit!

Kra-ta-ta! Ha!

See, the world is changing, y'all --

the way we handle business, the way we use money,

and the way we make waves.

Let 'em see it, y'all.

See my boys here?

They use Brush Free Waves.

Brush is not included.

Uh... there's a huge problem.

[ Computer beeps ]

50% of our hash power just fell off the network.

Uh, transactions are completely stuck,

and we're only validating like two blocks an hour.

Well, can you make the blocks larger?

To be honest, that's all I really did.

You know, the rest is just copied straight from Bitcoin.

Look, guys. This has been super fun.

And, Mark, I am gonna try that climbing gym.

But I need to get back to my company basically,

like, right now.

I know we share similar fiscal ideologies,

but I will still break your damn hands.

Anything you need to fix, you're gonna fix in this house.

You understand me...dawg?

Yeah.

Okay.

I need you to type exactly what I say.

"$Litcoin-CLI get network info."

-It's gone. -What's gone?

BrushFreeWaves.com. Somebody poached it.

I'm about to lose my shit!

God damn it!

We got too big too fast!

I pr-- I prophesized this.

It's those damn domain squatters, man.

Just sitting there waiting.

Waiting till something hits, and then they take it.

Damn squatters!

Hey, guys. Calm down.

Those are champagne problems.

You're not used to that because you're not used to

this level of success. It's gonna happen.

What other names did they have?

Um...

What about...

Brush-underscore-FreeWayvez -- with a "Y" and a "Z" -- dot-com.

-Mm. -Man, what the...

Nobody wants to use that.

Okay, man. All right, all right.

Okay, what about um...

B-BrushHairCareChi.net?

-Hm. -That's actually not that bad.

It makes you feel, don't it?

You know, cold-weather season is coming up.

We could talk about all the new gloves, boots.

Why do we have to reinvent the wheel?

This is Chicago. Can't we just do another shooting?

I got something, guys.

My nephew claims that all the boys in school

have a new way to get waves in their head

without brushes or do-rags.

Woman: Mm, I like it.

That is what local news is made of.

Well, we're here to talk about Brush-Free Waves.

Your original formula is really taking off.

Thank you, Lauren.

And on behalf of all of our Brush Free Wave customers,

and ourself, thank you again.

Yeah, th-- thank you, Lauren.

And to everybody out there, um...I'm Bishop.

And I was the one that created and invented

and had this idea.

And I deserve all the credit honestly. [Laughs]

Well, no good invention goes anywhere

without the proper venture capitalists

like myself behind it.

And many investors, some of us who gave up

a chance of a lifetime to see a comet.

Ha! We all made sacrifices.

But the truth is, we are a small,

black business doing our best.

And we're excited about the future.

And what about the bats?

Bats?

Our scientists have found your product attracts bats.

This is the hottest club in Chicago.

[ Bats screeching ]

[ Screaming ]

Lauren: So I'm joined by chemist Dr. Claribel Nimh.

So, Doctor, what did you find?

Well, the problem is that This Might Help

doesn't help at all.

It contains PPD,

which when combined with bone marrow,

acts as an accelerant.

Now, that is what's causing the novel wave effect

in the proteins of the hair,

but it also is completely irresistible to bats.

So how do you respond to that?

You asshole. You don't know nothin', nerd.

This is hair stuff, and not scientist stuff, and...

Well, he invented it, and he is ultimately responsible.

This seems likely to generate a lot of lawsuits.

I'm getting -- I can't do --

Chicago, first of all, we'd like to apologize.

And as the CEO of this organization,

I want to get in front of it and let you know --

Sorry, guys. We got to cut you off.

We have breaking news. Mayhem on the South Side.

Litcoin founder Jerry Scottadalehauser

has been kidnapped,

and is currently being held hostage

in the Englewood neighborhood.

Word of the kidnapping is already spreading

on social media, and the price of Litcoin

is falling as we speak.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Hurry up!

I need to buy this boom box

before my Litcoins ain't worth shitcoin!

Girl, it feels so good to just have a nice, easy day for once.

Mariah?

Mariah.

What?

Damn. Can't you listen?

It's easy for us at least.

What you mean?

Girl, you haven't heard?No, I'm late.

Come on, what happened?There's a hostage situation on 66th and Sangamon.

Hell no. On 66th and Sangamon?

No lie. And I heard they might even call out SWAT.

Ooh! We should go in here.

All right, I'ma catch you later.

Shit. Um, okay.

-He used us. -Are you serious?

He basically dictated an SOS.

Pretty smart actually.

Just like the white man --

trying to stifle my financial independence.

Dude, you kidnapped me.

Okay, well, look like you done

outsmarted yourself this time, dumbass.

Because Litcoin is taking a major dump.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

CEO-based crypto...

If you're in trouble, the coin's in trouble.

We're going back to plan A. Ransom. $100,000.

Let's roll!

[ Sirens wailing ]

[ Tires screech, radio chatter ]

Damn.

[ Siren chirping ]

Turner, put up perimeter down the block, over there.

Um, I was thinking I would just stay over here.

Now.

Okay. Fine.

Hey, hey, somebody give me a cigarette, will you?

I don't know where my badge is. Do you -- Okay.

I don't have a gun. I don't have a...

[ Whispering ] So you kidnapped some rich white dude?

Now, this is me just trying to curate

a legitimate income for myself, Turner.

I thought you out of all people would be pleased with that.

No. If you get shot today, I won't be pleased, okay?

Well, yeah. I'm surrounded by cops right damn now,

so I don't got time for this drama.

I'm the drama. Right. Okay.

What are you doing here?

Hello. Hey. This is where the action is.

Josh says "hi" by the way.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Come on, come on. Hey, get low.

Going to get your man, huh?

Yep, I knew that wasn't gonna last forever.

Well, you know, we all make bad decisions in life.

I mean, look at me. The doctor told me,

hey man, you need to take a couple days off.

I was like, "No. Do you want me to take some days off,

or do you want safe streets?"

And he didn't have an answer, so...

So here I am, doing my part.

Kind of been in these streets as long as I have,

you realize it's about fire and ice.

You can't just put two things together.

It's like chopsticks and cereal.

It's time for the good guys to get some action.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Wizbowski. Culpepper. Bootsy.

♪♪

Is Martinez going to his house?

Oh, shit. Turner!

Turner!

♪♪

♪♪

No. No way, no way.

Whoo!

-Oh! -Dumbass, out the way!

Jerry: Dude got over the razor wire?

Hey, playboy.

I'm sorry, this might be out of my purview,

but aren't you a cop? Shouldn't you, like, shoot him or something?

She ain't like that.

Bluto: They have a thing.

For real, that's hot.

I'm gonna miss you, officer.

Stay friendly for me.

I will do my best.

This guy kidnapped me. How many people do I have to tell before --

But if it's all a big misunderstanding,

Litcoin comes back to life.

Turner!

God. Turner! Freeze! Police!

Can't you -- [ Screaming ]

[ Groaning ]

Oh, no!

Oh, come on.

Ah! Okay.

[ Screams ]

What the fuck?!

Aah! Turner!

Come here!

Ahh, fuck.

Turner! Come here.

[ Groans ]

[ Whimpers ] Fuck the South Side.

[ Smacks lips ]

♪♪

I'm gonna miss you most of all, Bluto.

♪♪

You're the captain now.

I still have so many questions.

[ Car horn beeps ]

You're ready.

Wait!

Just one more flex?

[ Sighs ]

Thank you.

Man, I wish I had bought that telescope.

Comet 67P is passing us right now.

Yeah, you can still see it.

What?

[ Chuckles ]

My Litcoin was only worth 65 bucks, but, uh,

I found a real good use for it.

Oh, my God. No...

No, you didn't.

It's Comet 67P, in Chicago.

I told you he'd recognize it on sight.

2.5 miles wide.

Hurtling through space at 84,000 miles per hour.

Nothing can stop it.

It reminds me of me.

It makes me feel small.

It makes me want to visit the universe.

♪ That's why I will, I will ♪

♪ Praise his name ♪

♪ Every time I get a chance I will ♪

♪ Praise his name ♪

♪ Mmm, mmm ♪

♪ Praise his holy name ♪

♪ I-I-I was born on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ I was raised on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Good days on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Got paid on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Went to church on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Went to work on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Whole family from the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Couldn't wait to go outside on the South Side ♪

♪ South Side! ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ South Side! ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ South Side! ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ South Side! ♪

♪ I was born on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ I was raised on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪♪