Original subtitles

Turner: Now, tonight is a big night for your girl.

You sure these are the highest quality bundles y'all got?

How could you even ask me that, Zenobia?

You know I always got your back.

Hm. You like me, don't you, Jenny?

Of course. You're my girl.

I can tell you like me so much, you're trying to fuck me!

Yeah. Trash. Basura.Straight Kentucky Derby.

You a skulldug, Jenny, and I know it. [ Scoffs ]

You think I don't see you putting these, uh,

human-hair stickers on these synthetic wigs?

Absolutely not.These counterfeit nail polishes?

Ain't no OPI color named Bulgogi Blue.

Okay. Fine.

I -- I have it. Just a second. It's right here.

Hmm.Always want to do it the hard way.

[ Speaking in Vietnamese ]

I know what you're saying.

This better be the good. I don't want to play all day.

Oh, yeah. This is that real, uncut virgin.Is that real?

Oh, yeah.Is that real? Bag it up.

♪ I was born on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ I was raised on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Everybody stick together like we in a line ♪

♪ 'Cause it ain't no side like the South Side ♪

♪ On the South Side ♪

♪ South Side! ♪

The North Side feels like a whole different city.Hm.

Damn. I don't even think I've ever been north of downtown.

Moderator, please. They live check to check

just like the people on the South Side.

Their checks just bigger.[ Bees buzzing ]

[ Knock on door ]

Hello, sir. We're from RTO to repossess a grill

from one Jerry Scottadalehauser

who's late on his monthly payments.

Uh, look. Uh, about the grill, guys, I'm --

I'm, uh, having a little bit of a "liquidity" issue right now.

You know, the crypto bear market

really killing all of us, isn't it?

But I promise you, I will take care of it later, though,

okay, and that's a promise.

Word is bond, right?

Isn't that a thing?

I hate doing this part. I don't feel comfortable.

But I have to close the door. I'm so sorry.

Okay? Alright. Have --

Hey, around here, we all look the same.

That's Counting Crows. I'll talk to you guys. Later.

You ever done a UTXO consolidation?

Oh, man. My heart was racing.

I am never doing that again.

[ Laughs ]

This is a beautiful yard.Mm-hmm.

Nice people. Damn, she cute.

Action, baby. Hey, I'm K, and I'm incredible.

[ Snorts ]Oh, no, you don't.

What?I'll say that.

Hey, uh, sorry, one second.

Excuse me, sir. Thank you.

Hey, uh, fellas. What's going on?

We got stuff to do today.It's good, I got this.

Ooh, hot, hot. Hot, hot.

Oh, God. Come on.

I hate white people food.

No, that -- not the brats.

Kate: Hey, guys. How can we...help?

These guys are here to fix the grill.

Thank you, fellas. Two weeks, and that's it. Okay?

♪♪

Ick.

Aww. I love this neighborhood.

Brings back memories.What's there to love?

I see several robustly empty lots.

There's a big-ass dumpster right there.

This is the historic South Shore.

You know what? You can't even come in my house,

looking and smelling like Gerald Levert.

Well, I told the guy to make me look like Gerald Levert,

so you know what? Thank you for the compliment.

Look, um, this is gonna take like three hours --

Three hours?Yes, just go do some policing.

Don't snitch, and come pick me up at lunch.

[ Sighs ] Hey, wait, wait. Young lady, wait.

Uh, do you know if this, uh, store over here sells a charger

for a Samsung Galaxy 6-plus?Nigga, please.

Just g-- Just gonna walk away from me, huh?

Yep.

Hey, can you come out a little bit?

Ah, you just almost destroyed me right there, Pimpin'.

Aah!

[ Bees buzzing ]

Damn it. When did exterminators get this expensive?

K: You're looking for a humane exterminator, right?

Bees pollinate 90% of the world's crops.

The earth needs bees.Hey, calm your frantic ass down.

They're just bees. Bye.

We're gonna up here for a while waiting on the exterminators.

You got any ideas? Yeah.

Hey. Hey. There they are.

Hey. They fixed the grill.

Yeah, we -- it totally works.

That's amazing. See? Honey, isn't this great?

-That's great. -It's awesome.

Hey, look, guys. I -- I can pay you.

I just can't pay you right now.Hey, Jerry, listen.

We're stuck up here for a few hours, and you can have

this grill tonight if you let us hang out.

Oh, man. Look, I hate to be that guy, but I --

Jerry, don't be that guy.

Girl, you know what I'm tired of?

Stacy: What?Edges.

Got my whole goddamn blood pressure

raising trying to get these little ass hairs to lay down.

Like I need one more motherfucking thing

to be self-conscious about.

Oh, I'm sorry, babies.Girl, you alright.

My thing is when did edges even become a thing, though?

Right. Like my mama had a fat ass and two strands of hair

on your head, and she was just fine.

Oh, my God. Okay. We talking about baby hairs here?

I'm a grown-ass woman, and I ain't no damn baby.Mm-hmm.

And you know who to blame for this, right?

Who?Goddamn Instagram hoes.

Okay.Out here selling this fantasy of a fully edged female.

All just for likes.

♪♪

This is what you need right there, huh?

Bam. Match your shirt.

Everything working out.Hey.

No. No. No!

You're not under arrest!

I just need a charger for Android!

-[ Screams ] -Wait!

Oh, shit.

Oh, no.

Oh, Sandy, what have you done?

Nigga, your name Sandy?

Come -- stop! Stop!

Oh, it was a ruse!

Look at this. Ooh.

Who is that frightened lil boy?

Bitch, this me in high school. Unh-unh.

Don't be mad at me because you was looking

all gender neutral. It don't even matter, though.

'Cause this sew-in finna be laid,

and everybody at the reunion is gonna be gagging.

Good, girl. I need it.

I was definitely underrated in high school.

It was all about them girls with them sloppy melon titties

and fat asses. But you know what?

Them melons been spoiled, and this ass is fresh.

So tonight, I'm-a be the glow-up queen.

Let me see this.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Girl -- Pi R-squared is not circumference.

It's area. We know this.

What are you doing?

Hey! Slow down, man! Come on!

♪♪

Hey.

♪♪

Hey, come here! Come here! Oh, shit.

Fuck!

♪♪

♪♪

I actually haven't even been to Wrigley Field before.It's wild.

It's like Atlanta, but with drunk white people.

Interesting.

Oop. I like this game. Look here.

I've never actually been to the North Side before.

Do you think you can give a brother a small,

little tour, please?A short tour?

Yeah, just a short, little tour.

Okay. We can go to Oz Park and back.

Cora, no. Thomas, Haakim, Dishwasher Dave.

Okay. I may have agreed to not date blue-collar guys no more.

She only up-fucking from now on.

Simon: Hey, ladies.

I got some vegetarian burgers for you

'cause it looks like you guys do not eat meat.

That's important. Go!

Um, in addition to that, I just want to let you know

that I enjoy passing the blunt...to girls.

Is that a weave? Bitch, where?

Goodnight: I'm in pursuit of the suspect.

I mean, I was hurdling cars.

I was coming in the building, and there was falling debris.

It was like a real Liam Neeson moment.

I get it. You're trapped on a roof.

Uh, can you just describe your surroundings?

Okay. Yeah, let's see.

Uh, a lot of trees.

Uh, there are people, mostly African-American.

Okay. You just described all of South Shore,

so can you just scream?

Alright.

[ Screams ]

Okay, that was pretty good, but I'm just --

I'm gonna need you to scream a little louder.

Just give it all you got.

[ Screaming ]

[ Laughs ] Can you hear me?

No, I can't hear you, idiot. Not at all.

I'm just enjoying myself.Motherfucker.

Do your ghetto antics know no bounds?

Oh, and now I have a sore throat.

Great. Fine.

Um, I got it.

Just aim at the lake and fire your gun.

[ Gunshots ]

Okay, I heard you. I know where you are.

I'm gonna come now. Wait, I didn't fire.

Really? Oh, damn.

Now I got to go check that out.

Fuck!

[ Bell rings ]Man: Extras to holding, please.

All extras, please go to holding.

Martinez?

Oh, what up, Turner?

How are you doing? Good.

Y'all out here, uh, shooting fake guns?

Yeah, love that set duty.Mm-hmm.

I'm shocked y'all even filming on the South Side.

Don't nobody be over here.

Wait. Is that Brenda Cole?Mm-hmm.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God. I'm obsessed with her.

You want to meet her?Uh, yeah, nigga.

Obviously. Just get it going. We talked.

I gave her a compliment about her pants earlier today,

and she was like, "Thank you." Oh, my God. I knew she was so nice.

She said it to me.You know how you can just feel

sometimes some people just like real nice?

It's an energy, you know.Damn, she look nice. Oh, man.

Girl, this wig is tweaking me out.

This whole time I thought that was your real hair.

It's incredible, right?Yes.

I mean, like, this is some

Nicholas Cage-level craftsmanship.

What that cost -- like, a stack, right?

Hmm, try ten.

$10,000?!

Heh. Yeah. God.

And here I was, thinking I was doing something

with my little sew-in.

No, I love your hair.

Like, that length? Perfect on you.

And if you did bottle service,

they would have to give you the big sparkler.

Thank you because I did do bottle service,

but that was another life.

So your portrayal of a strong black

female cop on the South Side?

I see no lies. Mm-hmm.

How do you prepare?

Hm, a good question.

So I guess when I first get the script,

I like to count how many scenes I have just to make sure

I don't have to cuss nobody out.

You know, because if I'm not in the scene, I'm not here...

♪ Everything is waiting for you ♪

Hey, Goodnight. You alive?

Turner. Turner!

Please, I don't know how much longer I can last up here.

There's so many condoms, all shapes and sizes.

Okay. You got to fire your weapon.

It's the only way I can find you.

What? Now I -- I have to account

for every bullet and file a report.

Okay, well, how about this? I'll just call the station.

They will, um, send you a helicopter,

and then you'll be known as helicopter guy.Nope, don't do that.

I'm already the guy who broke the Keurig.

I can't handle another title.

Okay, so then, aim at the lake and fire five times.

Fuck it.[ Gunshots ]

[ Alarm rings ]

Alright, everybody. Clear out now.

There you go, come on.I'm sorry!

You don't want to look like the man with the bullet in his head.

Let's go. It's not safe, it's not safe.

Wrap it up. Alright.

You done good, ol' black ass. I'm gonna radio

Wierzbowski and have the guys come pick you up.

No, no, no, no, no, no! Don't do that, don't do that!

No, I'll never live it down.

Goodnight, I cannot come get you.

I've got my memorial tonight. Memorial?

You said it was a reunion?

Oh. Memorial, reunion.

If everybody's gon' be there, what's the difference?

For one, someone's dead.Goodbye.

Hey, come on, come on, hat guy.

♪ And I had just seen him ♪

♪ Everything seemed just fine ♪

♪ I said hit me in a minute, but now a minute is a lifetime ♪

♪ And I just seen him ♪

-I miss you, dawg. -Thank you. I love Bustdowns.

Um, I also, too, had just seen him.

Thank you so much for all of you who came out to our friend

Chuckie's home going --[ Footsteps approach ]

Damn.

She look like Brenda Cole.

♪ That's why I be flight on bitches ♪

♪ They hate to see me living ♪

♪ They sneakin', they dissin' ♪

You filled out quite nicely.

-Ooh. -Okay.

Alright. Are you good?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm well. Thank you.

Okay. As I was saying, Chuckie once told me, um,

"100 percent of the shots you don't take, you miss."

Um -- dear...

♪ I just be chasin' that bread and dodging the feds ♪

♪ Most of my partners, they jungle gorillas ♪

♪ They OG, they legends, and some of them killas ♪Tinisha?

You filled out nicely, too.

Erin: I'm so glad you're all coming. Thank you again.

As I was saying, um, and it -- Oh, my gosh.

Man: Damn.

♪ Stilettos on my feet, now I'm speakin' shit ♪

♪ Baby ♪♪ Looking like a snack for a champion ♪

♪ Dress fit right like I hit the gym ♪

Alright, and -- you know what?

Just -- Just come on.

Jalitha here, too?

She the most thick. But it's close.

♪ I feel my ass shake when I walk ♪

♪ I see my ass shake when I walk ♪

Damn.

♪ I feel my ass shake ♪

Look at these hoochies. Look at this.

All dressed like they going to some type

of high school reunion. This is a memorial. Damn.

Some of y'all aren't here for the right reasons.

Yes, Erin, please. Clean these hoes up.

I think she talking to you, baby.

I think your Party City wig is crooked, baby.

Simon: So what I was saying about facial recognition

is that I think it is a rip off

because what if somebody gets my face

and repeats it and then my fa--Q: Excuse me, excuse me.

Well -- Whoa.Do you mind if I join you guys?

Do you know him?[ Laughs ]

Alright. Let me have a seat up in here.

Ah -- ha ha. Ha.

K wasn't lying.

There's some cuties up in here.

-Hi, I'm Q. I'm incredible. -Oh, no. I'm good, thank you.

Incredibly stung the fuck up.

K told you we was back here? Oh, my God.

Yeah. I texted you both.

Damn exterminator wanted 50 bucks.

I was like, "Uh, no.

I could take $10 worth of Raid and get the job done myself."

Easy. Bees fought the good fight, though.And won.

♪ That's why I love the moon ♪

♪ Every night it's there for you ♪

Ain't seen a lot of black people up here.

He right there.

Besides that one.

I mean, for real, though,

the number of black folk in Chicago is going down.

Not just up here, but all over the city.

Like Ice Cube said, "We're an endangered species, yo."

[ Laughs ] Yo.

Black people are cultural pollinators.

It's gonna bite them in the ass.

Once we're gone, it'll fuck up the city's ecosystem.

Hmm.You know what Einstein said about bees?

What's that? Beez nuts!

And so, I told them, "Look, I'm gon' shower here.

You decide whether or not it happens during school hours."

What's on your brain, Thickness?

Man, ain't nobody talking to me.

Well, let's take a picture with Chuckie.

That'll cheer you up.Fine. For Chuckie.

I'll post this on Facebook.

Um, can you get my cute side? Hold on.

All of them -- all your sides is cute, baby.

Come on. Oh, yeah. Come on, Rihanna.

Bitch. [ Laughs ]

Let me get in.

[ Laughs ]

Cameron: Oh, shit. It's a picture party.

Hey. Where's Tinisha?

Tinisha? Get in here, girl.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

-Come on, TiTi. Come on, TiTi. -Wait for me!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Somebody post this on Facebook Live.

Somebody post this on Facebook Live.

-Ooh, damn! -Excuse me.

Can y'all move? Thank you. Y'all had enough.

Move. Both of y'all.Unh-unh. So you're just gonna

knock me down with your sharp ashy-ass elbow.

You disrespecting Chuckie's memory.

First of all, he loved the strip club.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -True, true.

That was the only place he found peace

and based on these little outfits y'all have on,

he definitely would have wanted it this way.

He so would have. Give that man a piña colada

and a hunk of ass, he'd be cheesin' all night.

Man, I miss my dawg. -We all miss Chuckie.

But that gives you no reason to come up in here looking like

Cheetara just got fired from the "ThunderCats".

[ Crowd "ooh"ing]Why don't we focus on the little person

that you got at home who's three years old,

and he has no teeth in his mouth.

Worry about that. Unh-unh.

What the fuck did you just say about Ethan?

You heard what I said about Ethan.

You know what, I'm so fucking tired of your fucking ass!

-Calm down. -Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Beloveds, I am embarrassed by what I just experienced.

-Girl, bye. -She think she over this.

Four strong black women, clawing at each other

like guttersnipes over a bunch of dudes

we all know sit at home all day and play 2K.

You right. You right.

'Cause my coochie lip been hanging out for the past

ten minutes and ain't none of y'all tell me nothing.

Zenobia, you need to stop acting all high and mighty, okay?

You be on that same shit.You know what?

You're right, and I'm sorry.

Meechi: What?I'm just as fucked up as y'all.

Excuse me?I was so worried about coming here tonight

and turning up on y'all...

I stole this wig from Brenda Cole.

I told you. [ Laughs ]

I told you she looked like Brenda Cole.

I told you it was something like that.

You wild. I stole this whole outfit from Rainbow.

Like the whole thing.If the only way for me to get attention

is to look like another bitch, then I don't want it that bad.

Meechi: Zenobia, I think you look pretty.

Fun's over. Time to go back to work.

What the fuck happened to you?

I don't owe you any explanations.

And who's she?Is this your brother?

Nah. So can I call you?I'll let you know.

But I don't -- I don't -- I don't have your number.

I know where you work.

But -- Bye.

Get your ass in this truck.

Thanks a lot, guys. You messed that up for me.

Simon: It ain't like you was getting any!

You think so? Nah.

Bee. Bee. Bee.

I must have forgot one.

Toss his little ass out the window.

Hey, hey, don't do that, man! Put him here!

He been through enough.

Let's take him back to the South Side

and bury him with the rest of the real niggas

that went through some, you mof.

Pour out a little liquor, too, huh?

All that.Almost had a girlfriend.

Turner: Low key, I wish we would have been friends

in high school. That would have been fun.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

But better late than never. -Hmm.

-Amen. -That's true.

-Mm-hmm. -That's true.

Zenobia, I am so sorry

for calling you small-head bald head.

I forgive you, my sister queen. We are all good now.

So maybe, we should get a few more apologies out on the table.

I work in a strip club. You know I work in a strip club.

Yeah.That place have you brainwashed

to just hate every woman on sight

and be ready to compete.

What I said wasn't right, and...

I'm sorry.

You know you my girl. I love y'all.

-I love y'all, too. -Aww.

-Baby, why you crying? -Meechi, what's wrong?

Why you crying?

-I just -- -Aww, we just had a moment.

I just want to be the best at having...

big titties. -What?

-Baby. -You are.

-You got great -- -Show us.

They might be the best titties I know.

You are successful.You think so?

You certainly have the biggest, bestest titties that I know.

It's time to take back our power as naturally beautiful women.

-That's true. -Okay.

We've got to remove the wigs.

Yes, honey! I best take this off! I'm for it.

Kitty, listen to me. This is very important.

Feed. The. Turtle.

And then when Josh -- hello?

♪ Stuck on the South Side ♪

♪ Nowhere to go ♪

♪ Who will come save me? ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I'm stuck on the South Side ♪

♪ Hey, take your best shot ♪

Un, un.

♪ Am I stuck on the South Side ♪

♪ Or is the South Side stuck on me? ♪

I am so over this wig, girl.

Whoo! Take this off. Girl.Turner: a little deep conditioner?

Girl, you're gonna be popping in the streets.

That stuff's dangerous.I feel good, girl.

I feel -- I ain't got the whoo.

Tinisha, you ready?Okay. Alright.

One, two...

Whew!

[ Sighs ]

[ Chuckles ]

It's my truth.

Yes, you -- you know, you could, um -- some oils.

Girl, it's gonna come back. I -- girl,

it's gonna come back. I see it.

I actually -- I mean, it works for me.

Yeah. Right.

Right? Yes.

Who next? Who next?

It's your turn.

It's your turn.Take that wig off.

-Take it off. -Take it off.

-Hey, take it off. -Take it off.

-Ooh! -Wow.

Alright. I'm-a do this because I started it,

but be gentle because I'm still scarred

from that shit y'all said about me in high school.

-Okay, girl. -It's all good. -We are over it.

And don't be laughing because I'm still bald.

-Really, Zenobia? -Take it out.

-This hair be -- -Yas, girl, yas.

It's bad?

-Wait a minute there. -Healthy.

That's crazy because you was definitely still bald

when I seen you at the DMV last year.

Well, all praise to God and jojoba oil.

Shocking reports from the South Side

where filming for the long-running series

"Chicago Shields" was suspended after local residents

reportedly began firing weapons at the set.

Next week on "Chicago Shields"...

[♪♪

Nice hair.

♪♪

♪ I-I-I was born on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ I was raised on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Good days on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Got paid on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Went to church on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Went to work on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Whole family from the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Couldn't wait to go outside on the South Side ♪

♪ South Side! ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ South Side! ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ South Side! ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ South Side! ♪

♪ I was born on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ I was raised on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪♪