Original subtitles

Kareme, Kareme, Kareme, Kareme, Kareme.

Any viewable stars beyond our galaxy

requires a larger aperture.

Bruh, you're not hearing me.

Technically, all Dobsonian telescopes

are Newtonian telescopes.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

♪ I was born on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ I was raised on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Everybody stick together like we in a line ♪

♪ 'Cause it ain't no side like the South Side ♪

♪ On the South Side ♪

♪ South Side! ♪

[ Speaking foreign language ]Q, I need help!

This man is out here talking like a Drake interlude.

Uh, Stacy, I'm super biz.

[ Speaking foreign language ]

Man, $20 late fee.

Sir, sir, that's not a real language, okay?

You're making that up as you go.

You're right.

Stace, this guy's wearing

a gold-plated necklace and Hebrew sandals.

Don't no Africans dress that bad.

I need you to be handling this stuff right here.

I'm slammed.

Turner and Goodnight is in court,

and I got nobody to help do replevins.

[ African accent ] What is a --

[ Clears throat ]

[ Normal voice ] What's a replevin?

It allows us to do breaking and entering,

but legally.

RTO got too much power.

Hey. I got them lamp shades.

And no damn lamps? "F."

Greg, you could have sold her 10 toasters by now

as long as you've been over there hollering at her.

Geez! Do I got any employees that don't suck?

What the? Here.

I think you left this in my living room

with your sloppy pig ass.

Boy, you petty as hell.

All the energy it took you to drive

that damn bowl of cereal up to your job,

you could have just left it in the sink.

Then how else would you learn?

Respect my crib, Quincy.

Come to work on time, Kareme.

Respect the shirt you don't even got on your back.

Respect the logo, bitch.

I'm sorry, ma'am. My brother's a bitch.

You know what? I been trying real hard

not to take my attitude south of 87th Street,

but real talk, all of my employees are straight trash.

And you the trashiest one of them all.

I would trade every single last one of y'all

if I could get my boy Yak back.

You mean Two-Pack Yak, the one always talking about titties?

While he worked hard as hell, yes.

Greg over here is still on a damn date.

Y'all are trash.

Your mama trash. Sorry.

That was a reflex.Listen, it's cool.

And I need a clean house.

And if you don't like the way I operate,

then maybe it's time for a grown-ass man

to finally leave his brother's nest. Damn.

You talk a lot of stuff for somebody

who was given their grandma's house on a silver platter.

Ooh.I had to work hard for every damn thing I got.

I used to have your job.

Except I did the shit good.Wait a minute.

Are you trying to say that you can do my job better than me?

I'm telling you I know I can.

Fine. Repo-off.

-Oh! -That's it!

-Love it! -Jay-Mal. Repo-off.

-It's going. -Love it.

And if I win, you go to the YMCA,

or wherever homeless fat bitches go.

Ooh.And if I win, we share the house,

and you put my name on the deed.

Fuck.Yeah, that's right.

I'm-a gonna put bowls wherever the hell I want.

It's gonna be a super bowl.

[ Laughs ]

I'm about to give that ass a bowl cut.

Oops, up bowl your head.

Oops, up bowl your head.

I get it. Got it.

Good.

I don't know why y'all all dressed up

in y'all little prom outfits for.

We all going to jail today, man.

Cook County about to have six new members

in that orange jumper fashion show they like to put on.

I'm telling you, this judge is brutal, man.

She be giving out time like Oprah give out cars.

You going to jail, you going to jail, you going to jail.

Y'all are definitely going to jail.

I don't care what nobody says, man, I ain't...

Oh, boy. The gang's all here.

[ Laughs ]

Well, obviously, not to be taken literally.

There's some gang elements here. I've seen some tattoos.

Bluto. Strange name.

All right, look.

This one's a toughy.

They got a boatload of witnesses.

They found the murder weapon.

What? What are you talking about?

Sir, I'm on trial 'cause I got profiled at Lollapalooza.

Then after they ran the background check,

they found a warrant.

Oh, that outstanding parking tickets guy.

Oh. Gosh, I -- you know, I thought this was after lunch.

Look, I think we plead no contest,

they'll give you time served. This is easy.

No, no, no, no, no. I got a clean record.

I want to plead not guilty.

Ooh, yikes.

Um, my empathy brain loves that idea.

My lawyer brain sees it as a terrible waste of several hours.

Nah. Don't worry about it.

I got a secret weapon.

Okay, don't say that you have a weapon.

Super excited about this Michael Winslow concert coming up.

Bro is actually one of the reasons I joined the force.

Apparently, he's gonna be doing all the classics.

"Machine Gun," "Reverb," "All the Different Horses."

What? Word on the street, fingers crossed,

is he's adding an impact wrench.

[ Cellphone buzzes ][ Imitates impact wrench ]

[ Laughs ] Hello?

Hey. Oh, man, I hope he does, like...

This is not a good time right now.Oh, hey, you.

You better not be calling to harass me

about that same shit from earlier.

I told you no.Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You convinced me with that, okay?

I just miss you, girl.

I miss my workout this morning, I miss --

I miss somebody else that you might see today, actually,

somebody you could probably help later on in court.

I said no. Goodbye.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We having sex later?

Obviously. Bye.

[ Deep voice ] Hello, I'm Louis Armstrong!

You ready for a little bowl reversal?

Hey, don't you need a partner?

I don't want any excuses when I beat that ass raw.

You gonna eat my ass all right.

Eat it like groceries.What are you --

what are -- what are you talking about?I don't know.

I heard it on the radio.Three, two, one...

[ Engines rev ]

♪ I'm done being nice ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm done being nice ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm done being nice ♪

Ooh. Think you gonna beat me?

Keep dreamin', Karemin'. Ha ha.

♪ Hard, cold light, ice wrist cold, frostbite ♪

♪ Telephone all night ♪

♪ Got that rocking all white ♪

♪ All white ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm done being nice ♪

You shouldn't be on Black People Meet

pretending to be voluptuous.

It's wrong.

Yeah, and you're not a Morris Chestnut type.

Guilty. Bailiff, take him away.

See, I told you, man.

I told you it was gonna happen. She brutal.

Every time, always trying to keep --

hey, hey, don't think when I get upstairs

I don't want my shoes back from last time.

I did the best I could.

But the man was guilty of a million other things.

I'm like -- I mean, he even walks guilty.

Next case? Yes.

Can you come here?

One minute, one minute.

60, 59, 58...Hey, look, look.

The officers that arrested me, they ain't here yet.

I got reason to believe they gonna end up being very helpful.

[ Scoffs ] Okay, here's the thing, bruh,

I'm from Englewood. Okay?

Those are tough streets.

I worked real hard to be where I'm at.

I'm proud of you, bruh.Thank you, I -- I am, too.

I could go even further.

Okay, but time is not on my side.

There's this tennis fundraising thing,

there's gonna be an Alderman there.

It's, like, happening right now. Oh, I get it.

You gotta impress, like when black porn stars

leave their Timbs on during sex.

Yes. Yeah.

Yes, if that's how you relate to it.

Ahem, minute is up.

Just leave.That's an option?

I'll represent myself.

I been doing some legal research on DePaul's YouTube page.

Beside, my life is on the line, sir.

Whoa.

Your Honor...

my client has decided to defend himself.

There is nothing more important to me

than my client's wishes.

So I'm leaving. Thank you.

Let justice proceed.

Damn! They killin' it.

Nah, this dude in this footworking challenge

is killing it. Oh!

Officer Turner, would you say my arrest

on the day in question was warranted?

I don't know, didn't see it.

But you were there.No, I was not there.

My partner was. I didn't see it.

What? Come on, Zenobia, we know --

Oh, Zenobia? You wanna play with my government.

Okay, let's talk about what I do know,

Marquell Aidan Smith,

A.K.A., A$AP Bluto, A.K.A., Candlestick Nick.

Mmm, what are you doing?

So I think we should wrap this up ASAP, Bluto.

You...

No further questions, Your Honor.

I thought the witness was cool.

That was awesome, by the way.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened?

An hour ago, you told me I had the lead.

You did. Then they went to Lake View and cleaned up.

I'll take another large lemonade.

No. We don't have time.

Come on. I got money on you.

You're right. Hey, man, forget the lemonade.

All right, look, Stacy, I gotta go. Bye.

Hey, hey, hey.

I'll still take that lemonade.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Are you gonna answer that?

Q?! Q, how are you, man?!

Q: Hey, man. Hey, are you --

are you with your twin brother?

It's just me, brother. Oh, good enough.

Hey, Q, I got so many titty stories to tell you.

Ha ha. That's my Yak.

Hey, man, but look, I really need a huge favor.

Uh, just tell me.

You got time today to do any repos?

Repos?

At approximately 10:13 A.M.,

we received a complaint about someone

selling counterfeit Lollapalooza passes.

When I approached the defendant, he was wearing the same

Bill Cartwright throwback jersey that the complainant described.

Now I also had reason to believe that the throwback jersey itself

was fraudulent as no such jerseys were ever manufactured

en mass for obvious reasons, Bill Cartwright

not being such an integral part of the original Chicago Bulls.

-Your Honor?! -Officer Goodnight,

stay on point, sir.Okay.

Anyway, uh, after a search,

I discovered a counterfeit Lollapalooza pass

on the individual's person,

which he himself claimed he bought

from a, "shady individual in a Cliff Levingston jersey."

Again, thought that jersey was fraudulent,

Cliff Levingston being a bench player and not --

Witness is instructed not to bring up

any more Chicago Bulls from the '90s.

Yes, ma'am.

I ran the defendant's information

and discovered the warrants for 13 unpaid parking tickets.

And if I may speak personally for a moment --

-No further questions. -Okay.

Mr. Smith, your witness.

Hmm.

It's interesting this officer judges me,

A.K.A., my client.

Allow me to posit that he might jump

to other erroneous conclusions.

Like when he pulled a Rodney King on Professor Gunter Dalton

in his own home, 'cause you thought he was black.

Is that right?!

Yes, but I'm not the criminal on trial here.

Objection, Your Honor.

Speculation.

Sustained.[ Crowd gasps and cheers ]

-Are you serious? -Come on. Hey!

Order!Your Honor,

why are we taking this man seriously?

He has a du-rag for a pocket square.

Dude, are you sure you're up for this?

Oh, come on, man, please!

I been stuck in this hospital room for 10 months, man!

Fuck Ellen DeGeneres!

Fuck Judge Judy and her face!

I gotta get out of here!Yak, I don't know, man.

This seems like a bad idea.

No way. We about to put on our Timberlands

and give the world some good-ass doggie-style love

while she talking dirty at us.

Come on, Q-umulus, let's go.

[ Coughs ]Oh, my goodness.

♪ One, two, three, four, five ♪

♪ Yeah, one number, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Nine, 10, 11, ready ♪

Shut the fuck up! I'll slit your fucking throats!

You, shaky feet, state your name, hometown,

and what you want to major in besides missionary sex.

Go.Uh, I'm Keely.

I'm undeclared.

My dad's pushing me towards economics, but I --

You forgot to say where you're from, you fucking towhead!

God damn it! Loser, suck, suck, pussy.

Frumpy!

You. Name, hometown, major, go.

My name is Yak.

And I come from a small town called Balls Deep in Your Mom.

And my major is where the fuck is that...

TV.

...TV that you rented?!

[ Men groaning ]

Hey, little girl, we're just here to get a toaster.

I don't care, you're not coming in.

We don't negotiate with these little terrorists.

Yeah, we don't.This your bike?

No. I don't see a bike.

Well, this is my bike now.

I sweat when I ride!No!

So I got permission to go inside?

[ Beep ] Bingo.

♪♪

[ Knocking ]Who out there?

A regular-looking white dude.

I'm-a gonna let him in.

The fuck?! Don't let that man up in my house.

-We're in! Let's go! -Shit, it's RTO!

-Thandie! -Let's go!

No, no, no, not the couch! Not the couch, man!

Not the couch! -Oh, sir, sir!

Are you serious?!

I told you my aunt had a couch for us!

Ma'am, he has not paid for this couch.

He has not paid a dime.

Dude, you got to get up.Oh, fuck!

-Oh, Yak, what's going on? -Oh, oh.

Look at him.He's taking a pledge?

-What's happening? -Wait.

-Oh. -Yeah, calm down, breathe.

Syringe. Colt 45 bottle.

Syringe inside a Colt 45 bottle.

K, I don't think that Sonos System is still here.

Let me finish checking these weeds.

If Q wins, he's gonna put his name on the deed,

and you know what that means.

I'm not gonna have anything of my own.

We already share a birthday, parents, a face.

Dick size?Pssh!

I wish.

Holy shit!

That's a double barrel 44-inch Celestron Ambassador.

You need some help with those heavy boxes?

Um, no. No, we're good.

And an astronomy thing, and he's gone.

I-I never got to tell you my titty story.

No, Yak, save your breath, man.

No, man, listen.

You remember that pregnant lady

that we repo'd the cradle off of?Of course I do.

Yeah, well, two weeks after she shit out the baby, we...

we made love in the truck.

And we squirted the titty milk all over the windshield.

[ Laughs ] It was her idea.

And that -- that was my finest hour.

Bedroom. Thanks again for helping us set this up.

I don't know what I would have done without you.

Well, I probably would have done it myself.

I do everything myself.Simon: She's cute.

Did you hear the way she said "thank you,"

with no irony in her voice?

Mm-hmm. She gets it, man.

Shouldn't we keep moving? What about the competition?

Who cares, now that we have Celestron in our lives?

[ Cellphone buzzes ]

Who is this?

It's Q.

Of course, when I'm having a great moment, you ruin the vibe.

Titties.Actually, numbnuts,

I was hitting you up to call off this stupid contest.

I mean, there's only time for, like,

one more house apiece anyway.

I'll just start picking my bowls up.

Thank you! Was that so hard?

And you right, this competition is stupid.

It is. And I know I said all that shit about you being trash.

But, genetically speaking, if you were trash,

then I would be trash.He's right.

So you're not trash, you're my brother.

You're both trash.

I'm your older brother.

Uh, no, we're the same age.

No, whoever comes out first is older.

Don't start. Would you shut up?

I'm trying to let you win this stupid competition.

Let me win?

Ho, if you scared to lose, then just say so.

I'm scared I'll dominate you.

And you'll start peeing the bed again

like you did when we were six.

You ruined Christmas morning.

I didn't ruin Christmas, I ruined Ramadan.

You know what? You can dominate deez big juicy-ass nuts.

It's on.

Can we get to your closing statement, Mr. Smith?

Your Honor, kindly citizens, Lamar from high school...

Mr. Prosecutor,

here I am supposed to be a citizen of Chicago,

and we talking about parking tickets.

Not a murder, ain't no blood on my hands or that blue stuff

that get on your hands when you steal money.

None of that!

[ Doorbell rings ]

Maybe we should just go around back.

The old bat's probably outside and deaf as shit.

K, Turner's not responding. We're not getting that replevin.

Oh, and you're already breaking in.

I'm sorry, I can't let Q think he's better than me.

Well, hurry up, man. I ain't been a look-out in a long time.

And I don't know if my skills are up to par.

Ah, sweet Jiminy Christmas!

Here we go.Let me get this right here.

Hold on, brother. This one is mine.

I don't know why you --[ Door opens ]

♪♪

♪♪

Quincy.

Employee.

Oh!

Get out of here!

This is my repo, asshole!

Get over here!

You're not getting this one, asshole.

I'm gonna tell Mom you cheat!

Oh, it's not even overdue.

Idiot!

That's 'cause you're not even supposed to be here.

Y'all trying to send me to jail over tickets?

That's just like saying we caught you jaywalking,

so you getting deported.

You writing all this down?

That's phat.

No, that's P-H-A-T.

Yah!

Agh!

Aah! I'm blind!

Catch!

Oh. You want help, sorry.

Man, hurry up! I can't hold this bear!

Ugh!

K, I got you. It's not even a problem, baby.

Hold fast! Oh, wait, it's not working.

"Firmware update?" Uh, yes.

I mean no! No!

[ Screaming ]

Illinois has under-funded pensions,

police, public defenders, DMV staff.

Somebody's got to pay.

But not Bluto.Please don't.

The system's asking me to solve its own problem.

Ew!

Oh!

Ooh. Update complete.

I'm tired. You guys definitely look tired.

It's been a long day.

It's time for somebody

to make the right decision around here.

And uh...

guess what, boys? You both win.

[ K and Q snoring ]I said you both...

That's a damn shame.

America is supposed to give everybody an equal shot,

but the reality is,

some of us don't even get a look at the basket.

Because there's nothing more expensive...

than being broke.

Wow.

That was beautiful.

Hmm. Sometimes in court,

I actually learn something, feel something.

Today is one of those days.

60 days in jail, sentence suspended based on time served.

Go home.But I had a clean record.

I don't care.

But I do, Your Honor.[ Crowd gasping ]

Before you render judgment, I have one thing I have to say.

Nay, two things.

Firstly, I bested Adam Bethune in a tennis match.

Take that, Bethune!

Bethune the Buffoon! -Mr. Gayle?

If y'all knew him, y'all would be dying right now.

Secondly, my former client inspired me with his words

earlier today that were, "My life is on the line, homey!"

I ain't say no shit like that.

It was something in that vein.

Here's the point.

It reminded me of a previous case

where someone else's life was on the line --

Colby v. Hughes. -Oh, Jesus.

That's right. Prosecution failed to introduce

the actual tickets into evidence.

The case should be dismissed.

Case dismissed.

Whoo-hoo!

Ron Harper.My man!

My man!You got a clean record, my man.

You shaped up. Thank you.

He could have text that to me three hours ago.

You hear what I'm saying?

Walking in here looking like John Blackenroe.

You're wrong, man. You're wrong, dude.

The planetarium is so not worth the price of admission anymore.

Think about it.

Hey, you know I won that repo-off, right?

Man, you didn't win shit.

Ah, yeah, yes, I did.

Seriously. Don't be late for work.

♪ I-I-I was born on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ I was raised on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Good days on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Got paid on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Went to church on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Went to work on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Whole family from the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ Couldn't wait to go outside on the South Side ♪

♪ South Side! ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ South Side! ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ South Side! ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ South Side! ♪

♪ I was born on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪ I was raised on the South Side ♪♪ South Side ♪

♪♪