All language subtitles for Seinfeld.S09E23E24.The.Finale.720p.HULU.WEBRip.AAC2.0.H.264-NTb

It seems like whenever
these office people

call you in for a meeting

the whole thing
is about the sitting down.

"I would really like
to sit down with you."

"I think we need
to sit down and talk."

"Why don't you come in
and we'll sit down?"

Sometimes sitting
doesn't work. People get
mad at the sitting.

"You know,
we've been sitting here

"for I don't know how long.

"How much longer
are we just gonna sit here?

"I'll tell you
what I think we should do.

"I think we should
all sleep on it.

"Maybe we're not
getting down low enough.

"Maybe we're not
getting down low enough.

Maybe if we all lie down,
then our brains will work."

[♪]

I can't eat this
without ketchup.

Would it kill her
to check up on us?

Would that be
a terrible thing?

"How's everything?
Do you need anything?

What can I do for you?"

I know what you mean.
Do you?

It's like going out
with someone and
not hearing back.

Same thing.
Not really,
but it's something.

Ask the people behind you.

Excuse me.
Are you using your ketchup?

Excuse me.
Are you using your ketchup?

What do you think?
You wanna give
him the ketchup?

It's up to you.

You know what,
I don't think so.

I'm gonna need it
from time to time.

[WRYLY]
Huh-ho!

So you wanna go to
the movies?

Nah, what for?

To see a movie.

I've been to the movies.

Not this movie.

They're all the same.

You go, you sit,
you eat popcorn, you watch.

I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of it.

Did you shower today?
Yeah.

That's usually the mood I'm in
when I haven't showered.

When is it gonna be my turn,
Jerry?

When do I get
my 15 minutes?

I want my 15 minutes.
Oh, quit complaining.

You have your health.

Ah, health's not good enough.

I want more than health.

Health's not doing it
for me anymore.

I'm sick of health.

All right, we're done.
You can have it now.

Oh, very gracious.

[HOLLOW THUMPS]

[♪]

Nice day.
Yeah.

What is that?

KRAMER: Hey, Jo Jo.
Hey, hey.

Hey.

All right,
thanks for the ride, Kramer.

No, thank you.

So, what are you doing?
Nothing.

Come on,
let's go to the beach.

Are you crazy?

It's a beautiful day.
Have a good time.

Yeah, there's something
in the air today.

Do you feel it?
There's something in the air.

You know you're turning
into Burt Lancaster?

Yeah, there's something
in the air.

Yeah, there's something
in the air.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Oh, I forgot
to call Jill.

Jill.
Hi, it's Elaine.

How is your father?
Is everything okay?

What?

Ugh, I can't hear you so good.
There's a lot of static.

Wha--?

I'm gonna call you back.

Jill's father
is in the hospital

and you call to ask about him
on a cell phone?

What? No good?
Faux pas.

What? No good?
Faux pas.

Faux pas?
Big, hefty, stinking

faux pas.
Why?

You can't make a
health inquiry on
a cell phone.

It's like saying,
"I don't want to take up

"any of my important time
in my home.

"I'll just get it
out of the way on the street."

And the street
cell phone call

is the lowest phone call
you can make.

It's an act of
total disregard. It's selfish.

It's dismissive.
It's pompous.

Why don't you think
before you do something?

Here's a thought.

Bye-bye.

Too much?

[♪]

Boy, I'm really surprised
at Elaine.

You know,
that whole phone business.

She should know
better than that.

Hey, hey, hey.

What?

Where do you think
this relationship is?

If you are thinking
of instituting

an open-door
urination policy

let me disabuse you of that
notion right now, my friend.

let me disabuse you of that
notion right now, my friend.

You're so uptight.
Yeah, I'm uptight.

Let's all just have
a big pee party.

Hey, everybody, grab a bucket.
We're going up to Jerry's.

It's a pee party.

[DOOR CLOSES]

WOMAN [ON MACHINE]:
Jerry,
this is Elizabeth Clark

calling from James Kimbrough's
office at NBC.

Could you please
give us a call? Thanks.

Hello? Yeah, hi.
This is Jerry Seinfeld

Hello? Yeah, hi.
This is Jerry Seinfeld

calling for James Kimbrough.

Hello?

Hi.

Uh-huh.

Really?

Uh, no problem.
Definitely.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

That was
James Kimbrough.

Who's he?

He is the new president
of NBC.

He wants to sit down with us
and talk about Jerry.

Our show? Jerry?
Right.

Jerry? Oh, my God,

Jerry? Oh, my God,

he wants to talk about Jerry?
Yeah.

When?
Today, like right now.

Right now?

Jerry?!
Jerry!

He wants to talk?!

He wants to talk
about Jerry!

Jerry?!
Jerry!

Can I go like this?
Sure.

No sports jacket?
Writers wear sports jackets.

Forget the jacket.
I won't feel like a writer.

You're not a writer.
Right.

[♪]

Water.

Water.

Need some water.

Water here!

Okay. Now, listen.

I don't want any scenes
in here like the last time.

Don't worry.
No scenes.

Don't blow this.
I will not blow this.

If he says he doesn't want it
to be a show about nothing,

don't go nuts.

It's fine.
It doesn't have to be.

He might not want nothing.
I could care less.

He might want a show
about everything.

Anything. Everything.
Something. Nothing.
Who the hell cares?

Put me down.
I'm down!

All right.

Mr. Kimbrough
is ready to see you.

Mr. Kimbrough
is ready to see you.

Magic time.

What?

[SNIFFS]

Uh, Mr. Kimbrough.

Hey, Jerry.
Ah, hello.

Good to see you.
Hey, hey, hey.

How you been?
Good, good.

You remember George.

George, good to see you.
Hello, Stu.

You remember
Jay Crespi.

Jay Crespi.

I'm gonna forget
Jay Crespi, huh?

This is
James Kimbrough.

Nice to meet you.
Pleasure.

Thanks for coming in.
Kimbrough.

[QUIETLY]
Don't spell.

K-I-M-B-R-O-U-G-H.

That's right.
It's a talent I have.

That's right.
It's a talent I have.

Why don't we sit down?
All right.

I'm glad you're here.
Whoo!

Some day out there,
huh?

Did you ever see
weather like that?

Whoo!
It's crisp!

It's Crespi-crisp.

[QUIETLY]
Shut up, George.

Can I get you anything?

What do we have
in the fruit department?

Oi.

Pineapple.

Ooh, that's a
dangerous fruit.

Ha, ha. It's like a weapon,
that thing.

Got spikes on the end.

Get killed from
one of those things.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Anyway, let me tell you
why I called.

When I took over here
last month,

I reviewed what was
in development

I reviewed what was
in development

and it was pretty much
same old, same old.

Been there,
done that.

Right. I was looking
for something different.

Something that would
have people talking
at the water coolers.

Water coolers?

We call it
a water-cooler show.

Because the next day
in the offices,

people gather around
the water coolers

to talk about it,
right?

GEORGE:
Huh.

I would think people
would talk about it

at the, uh,
coffee machines.

Well, it's probably
just easier to say
water cooler show

than coffee machine show.

It's really
not accurate.

Nobody drinks from
a water cooler anymore,

Nobody drinks from
a water cooler anymore,

they use bottles.

But I think Mr. Kimbrough
makes a good point.

Anyway, Stu here started
telling me about a show, Jerry

that he developed
five years ago.

I have always loved it.

He said it was a show
about nothing.

So I saw the pilot
and I've gotta tell you...

I flipped out.

He totally
flipped out.

What I want to do is
put it on the air,

13-episode commitment.

Start it off on
Wednesday night,
build an audience.

This show needs time to grow.

This show needs time to grow.

I love that Kramer guy.

He's a little
off-the-wall.

Kramer.
Ha, ha. Oh, yeah,
off-the-wall.

And Elaine,
I wouldn't mind seeing

something happening
between you.

Definitely.
I tell you, I, uh--

I really don't think
so-called relationship humor

is what this show's
all about.

Or we can not do the show
altogether, how about that?

Or we could
get them together.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Whoo!

[♪]

[♪]

ELAINE:
Jill.
Hi, it's Elaine.

Yeah, well,
I'm calling from my home.

Indoors.

[CHUCKLES]

Well-- Well, I was just
calling to see how your fath--

Um, I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'm getting another call.

Hang on just a second.

Hello?

Hi, Elaine. It's me.

Jerry,
I'm on the other line.

No, this is
an emergency.

Get off the phone.

Get off the phone.

Ugh, I'm sorry, Jill.

I'm gonna have to
take this call.

Jerry,
what's the emergency?

Jerry's back on,
the TV show.

George and I
are moving to California.

That's the emergency?

Did you hear what I said?

I was on the other line
talking to Jill.

Jill? Well,
why didn't you say so?

You said it was
an emergency.

So now she's lost
a phone face-off?

That's even worse than
your cell phone walk-and-talk.

[♪]

[♪]

HELEN:
Congratulations.
They're doing the show.

They should've put
that show on five years ago.

Bunch of idiots
at that network.

MORTY:
Can I tell you something,
Jerry?

It's all crap on TV.

The only thing I watch is
Xena: The Warrior Princess.

She must be about 6'6".

She's not 6'6".

Jerry,
you ever watch that?

Yeah, it's pretty good.

[♪]

ESTELLE:
They picked up the show?

I'm moving
to California.

Oh, baby doll, this kid's
going places. I told you.

The NBC guy liked it?

The NBC guy liked it?

Of course he liked it.

He told you he liked it?

He wouldn't put it on
if he didn't like it.

Well,
what are you doing?

I'm writing.

You know how to write?

Without the writing,
you have nothing.

You make them look good.

Since when do you know
how to write?

I never saw you
write anything.

Ma.

I don't know how
you're gonna

write all those shows.

And where are you gonna
get all the ideas?

Would you leave him alone?
You'll shatter his confidence!

I don't need any ideas. It's--
It's a show about nothing.

I don't need any ideas. It's--
It's a show about nothing.

Nothing, please.
I'll tell you the truth.

The whole thing
sounds pretty stupid to me.

[♪]

JERRY:
NBC is letting me
use their private jet?

And I can go
anywhere I want?

That--
That is fantastic.

Thanks. Yeah.

Great. Okay, bye.

Oh, hey.

Hey. How was the beach?
Oh.

You missed it, buddy.
Lot of femeninas.

Some major femeninas.

Had a little meeting today
at NBC.

Had a little meeting today
at NBC.

W-what are you doing?

Ah, you know,
I went swimming.

I can't get this water
out of my ear.

So do you remember
five years ago,

we did that pilot,
Jerry?

Well, the new guy at NBC
wants to do it.

They're putting it on
the air.

They're giving us
a 13-episode commitment.

George and I
are moving to California!

You're moving
to California?

Yeah,
but only for a while.

Yeah, but Jerry, what happens
if the show's a hit?

You could be out there
for years.

You could be out there
for years.

You might never
come back.

No, I'll be back.

Jerry, it's LA.

Nobody leaves.

She's a seductress.
She's a siren. She's a virgin.

She's a whore.

And my agent said as a bonus
I can use their private jet.

So we'll all go somewhere,
the four of us.

One big fling before
George and I go to California.

A fling.

[♪]

So we can go
anywhere we want?

Anywhere.

Why are they doing this?

I think they wanna
make it up to us

'cause they
let this thing

sit on their shelf
for five years.

This is all
very exciting.

[LAUGHS]

So where we going?

Uh, well,
I say Japan.

Why Japan?
Geishas.

They cater to
your every whim.

They're shy at first,

but they're quite skilled
at conversation.

They can discuss anything,
from world affairs

to the fine art
of fishing.

to the fine art
of fishing.

Or baking.

Oh! I got it.
How about Russia?

Oh, that's not bad.
Russia. It's so bleak.

It's not bleak.

It's springtime.

It's still bleak.

You can't be bleak
in spring.

You can be bleak
in spring.

If you're bleak,
you're bleak.

What about Switzerland?

Ooh, Switzerland.
The Von Trapp family, huh?

[GIBBERISH]

It's a bit hilly.
Well?

It's a bit hilly.
Well?

You're not gonna do
any walking.

[CHUCKLING]

What if I wanna
walk around a little?

So then you'll
walk down the hill

and we'll pick you up.

What if I'm at
the bottom?

You know what,
just forget it!

All right, come on.
Come on now, people.

Let's face it. We're not all
gonna agree on anything.

Why don't we just
all go to Paris?

I'll go to Paris.

Me, too.

Oh, yeah.
Oui, oui.

[SPEAKING FRENCH GIBBERISH]

[SPEAKING FRENCH GIBBERISH]

...voulez-vous.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

So that's it.
It's settled.

We're going to Paris.

ALL:
Yeah!

[♪]

Hey.
NBC limo is downstairs.

[TUNE OF THE NBC CHIMES]
♪ Beep, beep, beep ♪

I'm just gonna call Jill
one more time before we go.

Elaine, you can't make a call
like that on your way out.

You can't rush
that conversation.

Well, I can't call
from the limo.

Well, I can't call
from the limo.

Can I call from the plane?

First you make
a cell phone walk-and-talk

then she loses
a call waiting face-off,

now you're talking about
a plane call?

All right, I'll just have to
call her from Paris.

[KNOCKING]

Hello, Jerry.

[FLATLY]
Hello, Newman.

What gives?

I was speaking earlier
with Kramer

and he mentioned something
about a private jet to Paris.

Yeah, that's right.
Huh.

Well, uh, I hear it's
quite beautiful there

this time of year, and...

this time of year, and...

of course you know,
I'm one-quarter French.

Really?
Oh, yes.

In fact, I--
I still have family there.

This probably won't
interest you but...

I have a cousin there
who's suffering very badly.

Aw.
She's lost all use

of her muscles.

She can only communicate
by blinking.

I would so love
to see her.

Bring a ray of sunshine
into her tragic life.

But, alas,
I can't afford it.

For I am, as you know,
but a simple postal worker.

For I am, as you know,
but a simple postal worker.

That's a shame.

Take me! Take me!

Oh, forget it.

Pull yourself together.
You're making me sick.

Be a man.

All right!

But hear me
and hear me well.

The day will come.
Oh, yes!

Mark my words,
Seinfeld.

Your day of reckoning
is coming.

When an evil wind will blow
through your little play world

and wipe that smug smile
off your face!

and wipe that smug smile
off your face!

And I'll be there,
in all my glory, watching!

Watching as it all
comes crumbling down!

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

[♪]

Uh, Jerry?
Yeah.

I'm Captain Maddox.

This is my copilot,
Kurt Adams.

This is my copilot,
Kurt Adams.

Ready to go
to Paris?

All set.
We'll just grab the bags.

Don't worry about that. We'll
take care of them for you.

Just keeps on getting
better and better.

[LAUGHING]

Whoo!

Huh?

Not bad.

Wow.

The only way to fly.

This is it?

[♪]

I'm sorry, I have to say,
I'm a little disappointed.

I thought it would be
a lot nicer.

You're complaining
about a private jet?

You're complaining
about a private jet?

You think this is the plane
that Ted Danson gets?

Ted Danson is not even
on the network anymore.

Still, I bet when they
gave him a plane,

it was a lot nicer
than this one.

Will you shut up?

You are ruining
the whole trip.

This is a real
piece of junk.

I don't even feel safe
on this thing.

I have a good mind
to write a letter
to Mr. Kimbr--

You're not writing
any letters!
Whoo!

Will you turn around?
Why?

You are annoying me
sitting like that.

It's effeminate.

It's effeminate.

It's effeminate
to sit like this?

Yes. I think it's
a little effeminate.

How is this effeminate?

I don't know.

It just is.

What are you doing?

You still got
water in your ear.

I can't get rid of it.

Maybe it leaked
inside my brain.

Would you stop that?

It's not safe
to be jumping on a plane.

I gotta get it out.
I can't take this anymore.

Kramer, don't be
fooling around up here!

Kramer, don't be
fooling around up here!

Kramer!

CAPTAIN:
Get the hell
out of here.

What is that?

Oh, my God.

What is that noise?

What the hell
did you do?

I lost my balance!

Oh, my God.

What's going on?

Oh. Oh!

Kramer!

It was an accident!

I told you to stop
with the hopping.

Oh, my God,
we're going down.

We're gonna die.

Ah! Just when I was
doing great.

I told you God wouldn't let me
be successful.

I told you God wouldn't let me
be successful.

Is this it?
Is this how it ends?

It can't!
It can't end like this!

Ooh! I'm ready!
I'm ready!

Glory hallelujah!

Jerry?

Jerry, can you hear me?
Yeah.

There's something
I have to tell you.

What? What is it?

I cheated in the contest.

What?
The contest. I cheated.

Why?

Because I'm a cheater!

Because I'm a cheater!

I had to tell you.

Great. I won!

Jerry,

I gotta tell you
something too.

Yeah. Elaine,
I've got something
I want to say to you.

No, no. Me first.

All right.

Jerry, I've always--

Hey,

what's going on?
We're straightening out.

We're straightening out.
We're straightening out!

We're straightening out.

Yeah!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

Well, again, sorry about
that little mishap.

Once we get everything
checked, shouldn't be
any more problems.

Where are we?
Latham, Massachusetts.

Why don't you take
a cab into town,

get yourself
something to eat.

I got your
beeper number,

I'll beep you
as soon as we're ready.

Okay.
Yeah, okay.

We'll see you
later.

[♪]

Well, what are we gonna do
about Paris?

I mean, are we actually
gonna get back on this plane?

I say we go back to New York
and take a regular flight.

I'm not getting on
a regular plane now.

I'm all psyched up
to go on a private jet.

No way I'm getting on
a regular plane.

Well, I'm sure that they
would fly us first class.

First class
doesn't make it anymore.

Get on the phone
with Kimbrough,

tell him what happened,

and tell him to get
another plane here.

But this time the good one.
The Ted Danson plane!

All right.
I'll feel him out.

All right.
I'll feel him out.

Yeah, just tell him
to hurry it up.

[GROANS]

Nice day.

Another one.

All right, fatso.
Out of the car.

I'm gonna
capture this.

Come on.
I'm getting out.

Give me a minute.

Give me your wallet.
Don't shoot.

Ha, ha. Well, there goes
the money for the lipo.

[ALL LAUGH]

See, the great thing about
robbing a fat guy is

it's an easy getaway,
you know?

They can't really
chase you.

[ALL LAUGHING]

He's actually
doing him a favor.

He's actually
doing him a favor.

It's less money
for him to buy food.

[ALL LAUGH]

I want your wallet. Come on.
Come on, come on!

Ah,
that's a shame.

All right,
I'm gonna call NBC.

Officer,
he's stealing my car.

Officer,
I was carjacked.

I was held up at gunpoint.
I understand.

Okay. Thanks anyway.
They can't get another plane.

What's wrong with
the plane we got?

They're just
checking it out.

No, no, no.
Forget that.

No, no. We're not
getting on there.

Come on, let's get something
to eat here in Sticksville.

Come on, let's get something
to eat here in Sticksville.

All right.
Hold it right there.

What?

You're under arrest.

Under arrest?
What for?

Article 223-7
of the Latham County
Penal Code.

What? No, no,
we didn't do anything.

What?
That's exactly right.

The law requires you to help
or assist anyone in danger

as long as it's reasonable
to do so.

I never heard
of that.

It's new. It's called
the Good Samaritan Law.

Let's go.

W--

[♪]

[♪]

The Good Samaritan Law?
Are they crazy?

Why would we help somebody?
I know.

T-that's what nuns
and Red Cross workers are for.

The Samaritans
were an ancient tribe.

Very helpful to people.

All right. Uh...

Um, excuse me. Hi.

Could you tell me
what kind of law this is?

Well, they just passed it
last year.

And it's modeled
after the French law.

I heard about it after
Princess Diana was killed

I heard about it after
Princess Diana was killed

and all those photographers
were just standing around.

Oh, yeah, right.
Oh, yeah.

You're the first ones
to be arrested on it.

Probably in
the whole country.

Oh.
Ha, ha.

All right, so,
what's the penalty here?

Let's pay the fine
or something

and get the hell
out of here.

Well, it's not that easy.

See, the law calls for
a maximum fine of $85,000

and as much as
five years in prison.

What?

Oh, no, no, no.

W-w-we have to be
in California next week.

W-w-we're starting
a TV show.

California?
Oh, gosh, I don't think so.

Now, my guess is
you're gonna be prosecuted.

Now, my guess is
you're gonna be prosecuted.

Better get yourselves
a good lawyer.

[♪]

Who told you
to put the cheese on?

Did I tell you
to put the cheese on?

I didn't tell you
to put it on.

WOMAN:
Jerry Seinfeld on the phone.

You people with the cheese.
It never ends.

Hello?

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

Good Samaritan Law?
I never heard of it.

You don't have to
help anybody.

That's what this country's
all about.

That's deplorable,
unfathomable, improbable.

That's deplorable,
unfathomable, improbable.

Hold on. Susie.

Cancel my appointment
with Dr. Byson.

And, uh,
pack a bag for me.

I want to get to Latham,
Massachusetts right away.

[♪]

So they got
Jackie Chiles, huh?

Mm-hm, and you know
what that means.

This whole place is gonna be
swarming with media.

By the time
this thing is over

you're not gonna
be able to find

a hotel room in this town.

The whole country
is going to be watching this.

Now, we gotta do
whatever it takes to win it.

No matter what the cost.

No matter what the cost.

And the big issue
in this trial
is going to be character.

Find out everything you can
about these people.

And I mean everything.

[♪]

Mm. This is
pretty good chow, huh?

It would kill him
to check up on us?

It would kill him
to check up on us?

No. Drops off the meals
and that's it.

I realize we're prisoners,

but we're still entitled
to ketchup!

I guess we could have
called for help.

But then we would have missed
the whole thing.

I still had it on video.
We could've watched it later.

Yeah, he's right.

I forgot about
the video.

Oh, sure, video.

[SCOFFS]

[BEEPING]

What is that?

Plane's ready.

[♪]

I'm Geraldo Rivera.
Tonight we'll be talking about

what most of you have probably
been discussing in your homes

and around the water coolers
in your offices.

I'm speaking, of course,
of the controversial

Good Samaritan trial

that gets underway Thursday
in Latham, Massachusetts.

Now, before we meet
our distinguished panel,

let's go to Latham live

where Jane Wells
is standing by. Jane.

Yes, good evening,
Geraldo.

Yes, good evening,
Geraldo.

What's the mood?
What's going on tonight?

Well, Latham is
fairly quiet tonight

considering
the media circus

that has descended upon
this quaint little town.

And what about the defendants,
the so-called New York Four?

How are they holding up?

Well, I did speak with
one of the deputies

who has some contact with them
and he told me, quote:

"There's no love lost
with that group."

Anything else, Jane?

There also seems to be
some friction

between Mr. Seinfeld
and Ms. Benes.

The rumor is
that they once dated

and it's possible
that ended badly.

and it's possible
that ended badly.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
who knows,

maybe this trial will
bring them closer together.

Maybe they'll even end up
getting married.

[♪]

HELEN:
I hope you packed enough.

This trial could last
for weeks.

What's all that?

Cereal.

You're packing
cereal?

I'm bringing it
for Jerry.

You got enough for
a life sentence.

He likes it.

Says he misses
that more than anything.

So bring
a snack pack.

Poor Georgie.

Was it our fault
this happened to him?

Did we
do something wrong?

Did we
do something wrong?

Maybe it was
our fault.

Maybe it was your fault.

Wasn't my fault,
I can tell you that.

Oh, so it was my fault
but not yours.

You were the one
who smothered him.

I did not
smother him.

You smothered.

He couldn't get any air.
He couldn't breathe.

He was suffocating!

Sure, and you were
always in Korea

with your
religious chachkas.

I had to make
a living!

[♪]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[♪]

This is excellent, huh?
Mm.

Don't worry,
I didn't use too much milk

'cause I know
we gotta make it last.

You know, I've had to reduce
my milk level.

I've always filled
to at least three quarters,

I've always filled
to at least three quarters,

sometimes to the top
of the cereal.

Now, to conserve, I can't even
see the milk anymore.

It's a big adjustment.
I bet.

It's one of the hardest things
I've ever had to do.

Good morning.

There you are.
Good morning, Jackie.

JERRY: Good morning.
Is everybody ready?

Didn't I tell you I wanted you
to wear the cardigan?

Makes me look older.

Look older?

You think this
is a game?

That what you think
this is?

I'm trying to give you
a moral compass.

You have no
moral compass.

You're gonna walk
into that courtroom

You're gonna walk
into that courtroom

and the jury's gonna see
a mean, nasty, evil
George Costanza.

I want 'em
to see Perry Como.

No one's gonna convict
Perry Como.

Perry Como helps out a fat tub
who's getting robbed.

[LAUGHS]

You think it's funny?

No.

You damn right
it isn't.

You better not be laughing
in that courtroom, funnyman.

If you start getting
all smart-alecky,

making wisecracks,
acting a fool,

you're gonna find yourself
in here for a long, long time.

I don't like
that tie.

Susie, get one of my ties
from my briefcase.

Susie, get one of my ties
from my briefcase.

How do I look, Jackie?

Oh, you looking good.

You look strong.

You one fine-looking,
sexy lady.

Thank you, Jackie.

What about me, Jackie?

Kramer,
you always look good.

You got respect for yourself.
You're genuine.

Jury's gonna
pick up on that.

[CHUCKLING]
Yeah.

Whoo.

Here.

This one?
That's right.

Do I have to?

Jackie says put it on,
Jerry.

[♪]

[♪]

BAILIFF:
All rise.

Fourth District
County Court,

Latham, Massachusetts
is now in session.

The Honorable Judge
Arthur Vandelay presiding.

Vandelay?

The judge's name is Vandelay?
Vanda-who?

Jerry, did you hear that?
Yeah, yeah.

I think that's a good sign.

Is the district attorney
ready to proceed?

We are, Your Honor.

Mr. Hoyt.

Ladies and gentlemen,
last year our city council

by a vote of 12-to-2,
passed a Good Samaritan law.

by a vote of 12-to-2,
passed a Good Samaritan law.

Now, essentially,
we made it a crime

to ignore a fellow human being
in trouble.

Now,
this group from New York

not only ignored,
but as we will prove,

they actually mocked
the victim

as he was being robbed
at gunpoint.

I can guarantee you one other
thing, ladies and gentlemen,

this is not the first time
they have behaved
in this manner.

On the contrary.

They have quite a record
of mocking and maligning.

They have quite a record
of mocking and maligning.

This is a history of
selfishness, self-absorption,

immaturity and greed.

And you will see how everyone

who has come into contact
with these four individuals

has been abused, wronged,

deceived and betrayed.

This time...

they have gone
too far.

This time...

they are going to be
held accountable.

they are going to be
held accountable.

This time...

they are the ones
who will pay.

Mr. Chiles?

I am shocked
and chagrined.

Mortified and stupefied.

This trial is outrageous.

It is a waste of
the taxpayers' time and money.

It is a travesty of justice
that these four people

have been incarcerated
while the real perpetrator

is walking around laughing.

is walking around laughing.

Lying and laughing.

Laughing...and lying.

Do you know what
these four people were?

They were
innocent bystanders.

Now, you just think about
that term.

Innocent...

bystanders.

Because that's exactly
what they were.

We know they were bystanders,
nobody's disputing that.

So how can a bystander
be guilty? No such thing.

Have you ever heard
of a guilty bystander?

No. Because you cannot be
a bystander and be guilty.

Bystanders are
by definition innocent.

Bystanders are
by definition innocent.

That is the nature
of bystanding.

But, no.

They wanna
change nature here.

They wanna create
a whole new animal.

The guilty bystander.

Don't you let 'em
do it.

Only you...

can stop them.

Thank you.

[MOUTHS]
That was wonderful.
Thank you.

[MOUTHS]
That was wonderful.
Thank you.

[♪]

Is the prosecution ready
to present its first witness?

We are, Your Honor.

Call Officer Matt Vogel
to the stand.

Call Matt Vogel.

So they were just
standing there?

Yes.

Did one of them have
a video camera?

Yes.

With the court's
permission,

we would like
to play back that video and...

enter it into evidence
as exhibit A.

enter it into evidence
as exhibit A.

Proceed.

ROBBER: Come on.
VICTIM: Okay, I'm getting out.

JERRY:
Well, there goes the money
for the lipo.

ELAINE:
See, the great thing about
robbing a fat guy

is it's an easy getaway.

They can't really chase you.

Come on.
Ha, ha, ha.

GEORGE:
He's actually doing him
a favor.

It's less money for him
to buy food.

[JERRY, ELAINE
AND GEORGE LAUGHING]

So they just stood there
and did nothing?

Yeah. Nothing. Nothing.

Yeah. Nothing. Nothing.

No further
questions.

Hey, great plane.

Thanks a lot.

Piece of junk.

You know,
you almost got us killed!

Call Mabel Choate
to the stand.

Call Mabel Choate.

Your Honor,
I most strenuously

and vigorously object
to this witness.

She was not present
at the incident.

Her testimony is
irrelevant, irrational
and inconsequential.

The prosecution has gone
to great lengths

The prosecution has gone
to great lengths

and considerable cost

to find these
character witnesses.

It is imperative
that we establish

this is not merely
an isolated incident.

It's part of a pattern
of antisocial behavior

that's been going on
for years.

Objection overruled.

I'll hear the witness.

Now, Mrs. Choate,
would you please
tell the court

what happened the evening
of January 4th?

Well, I was at
Stitzer's Bakery

when I got accosted
by that man.

when I got accosted
by that man.

Let the record show
that she's pointing
at Mr. Seinfeld.

What did he want?

My marble rye.

Your marble rye?

I got the last one.

He kept persisting
and I said no.

Then you left the bakery.
Right.

But it didn't end there,
did it, Mrs. Choate?

Oh, no.

Give me that rye.

Stop it. Let go.

I want that rye,
lady.

Help.
Someone, help.

Shut up,
you old bag.

Stop, thief. Please, stop him.
He's got my marble rye!

Stop, thief. Please, stop him.
He's got my marble rye!

No further questions.

I call Marla Penny
to the stand.

Call Marla Penny.

[QUIETLY]
The virgin.

Now, what was your connection
to the defendants?

I dated Mr. Seinfeld
for several weeks
in the autumn of 1992.

Then on the evening
of October 28th,

there was an abrupt end
to that relationship.

Tell us what happened.

Tell us what happened.

It's rather difficult
to talk about.

It's all right.
Take your time.

Well...

I became aware of a--

A...what?

A, uh--

Yes?

A contest.

Contest?
Yes.

What was the nature
of the contest?

Oh, please. I can't.

It's okay.

The four of them...

made a wager
to see if they could--

Yes?

Yes?

To see who could go
the longest

[SOBBING]
without
gratifying themselves.

[SPECTATORS CLAMORING]

MAN:
This is an outrage.

For the love of God.

It was horrible.
Horrible!

Call Donald Sanger
to the stand.

Who the hell
is that?

Come on, Donald.
You're doing fine.

The Bubble Boy.

Bubble Boy?

That's right,
the Bubble Boy.

What's a Bubble Boy?

He's a boy who lives
in a bubble.

He's a boy who lives
in a bubble.

BUBBLE BOY:
What the hell
are you all looking at?

Would you please
tell the court
about the incident

that occurred in your house,
October 7th, 1992?

Well, Jerry Seinfeld was
supposed to come to my house

but his friend Costanza
showed up instead.

So I challenged him
to a game of Trivial Pursuit.

Who invaded Spain
in the eighth century?

That's a joke.
The Moors.

Oh, no.

I'm so sorry,
it's the Moops.

I'm so sorry,
it's the Moops.

The correct answer
is the Moops.

Moops?
Let me see that.

That's not Moops,
you jerk.

It's Moors.
It's a misprint.

I'm sorry.
The card says Moops.

It doesn't matter.
It's Moors.

There's no Moops.

It's Moops.

Moors!

Moops.

Help, someone.

Help, someone.

There's no Moops,
you idiot!

SUSAN:
Stop it.
Let go of him.

Donald. Stop it.

No. Donald,
stop it.

[AIR HISSING]

It was Moops.

Moors!

So Mr. Costanza parked
in a handicapped spot,

and as a result
you got in an accident

and your wheelchair
was destroyed?

That's right.

And then Mr. Kramer
gave you

a used wheelchair?

a used wheelchair?

That's right.

[SCREAMING]

So you were the doctor on duty
the night Susan Ross died?

Yes, that's right.

It was May 16th, 1996.

I'll never forget it.

So you broke the news
to Mr. Costanza?

Would you tell the court,
please, what his reaction was?

Would you tell the court,
please, what his reaction was?

I would describe it

as restrained jubilation.

[SPECTATORS MURMURING]

Murderer!
He killed our daughter.

He-- He knew those envelopes
were toxic!

Order in this court.

Call Sidra Holland
to the stand.

Whoo.

Look at this one.
She's fine.

She's a 12.

She's a 12.

You dated her?

So you met Jerry Seinfeld
in a health club

sometime in 1993?
Yes.

You met Ms. Benes
in that same club?

Yes, that's true.

Would you describe
the circumstances

of that meeting?

We were in the sauna,
making chitchat.

You know,
I've seen you around the club.

My name's Sidra.
This is Marcy.

Oh, hi.

I'm Elaine.
Hi.

So she pretended to trip

So she pretended to trip

and she fell
into your breasts.

Yes.

[SPECTATORS MURMURING]

Why would she do that?

Because he sent her
in there

to find out
if they were real.

[SPECTATORS CLAMORING]

State your name.

Bookman.
Joe Bookman.

And what's your occupation?

I'm a library cop.

What's a library cop do?

We chase down
library delinquents.

Anyone in this room
ever delinquent?

Anyone in this room
ever delinquent?

Yeah, he was.
Right over there.

Seinfeld.

How long was
his book overdue?

Twenty-five years.

[SPECTATORS MUMBLING]

We don't call them delinquent
after that long.

What do you call them?
Criminals.

So you and Mr. Costanza
were dating.

Yes.

And then what happened?

Well, I invited him to attend
my son's birthday party and...

Fire!

Fire!

[ALL SCREAMING]

At the time, I was employed
as a security guard

in the parking garage
at the Garden Valley
Shopping Mall.

Okay, let's go.

Why would I do it
unless I was in mortal danger?

I know it's
against the law.

I don't know.

Because I could get
uromysitisis poisoning

and die, that's why.

Uromysitisis.

Uromysitisis.

I wonder if they're having
any trouble

controlling themselves
during this trial.

Perhaps these two hooligans

would like to have
a pee party right here!

Objection,
Your Honor.

This is completely
inappropriate.

My client's medical condition
is not on trial here.

May I refer you
to the Disability Act of 1990?

Sit down, Mr. Chiles.

All right, detective,
then what happened?

We got a tip that a lot
of prostitutes had been

turning tricks
in the parking lot.

You just cost me some money.
Hey, cool it, lady.

Cool it.

Cool it, lady.
Cool it.

MAN:
Police officers.
Freeze right there.

So Cosmo Kramer...

was, in fact...

a pimp.

So you asked
Mr. Seinfeld

if he would wear
your puffy shirt

on the Today show?

[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]

Excuse me?

Uh, excuse me,
Your Honor.

What is the point
of this testimony?

This woman's a low talker.
I can't hear a word.

This woman's a low talker.
I can't hear a word.

So either get some other kind
of microphone up there

or let's move on.

Call George Steinbrenner
to the stand.

Call
George Steinbrenner.

So George Costanza
came to work for you
in May of 1994?

That's right.
He was a good kid.
A lovely boy.

Shared his calzone
with me.

That was a heck of a sandwich,
wasn't it, Georgie?

Yes, sir, that was
a good sandwich, sir.

Had one little problem
though.

What was that?

He was a communist.
Pink as they come.

Like a big,
juicy steak.

How could you give $12 million
to Hideki Irabu?

How could you give $12 million
to Hideki Irabu?

Order.

Cockfighting?

Cockfighting.

Sponges.

And I don't mean the kind
you clean your tub with.

They're for sex.

She said she needed
a whole case of them.

She exposed her nipple.

[SPECTATORS MURMURING]

How did she try
to kill you?

She tried to smother me
with a pillow.

Call Yev Kassem
to the stand.

Call Yev Kassem
to the stand.

Call Yev Kassem.

Who?

The Soup Nazi.

Soup Nazi?

You people have a little
pet name for everybody.

State your name.

Yev Kassem.

Could you spell that?

No. Next question.

How do you know
the defendants?

They used to come
to my restaurant.

Medium turkey chili.

Medium turkey chili.

Medium crab bisque.

I didn't get any bread.

Just forget it.
Let it go.

Um, excuse me.

I-I think you
forgot my bread.

You want bread?
Yes, please.

Three dollars!

What?

No soup for you!

But the idiot clowns
did not know how to order.

I banned that one,

the woman, for a year.

Then one day...

she came back.

Five cups chopped
porcine mushrooms

half a cup of olive oil

three pounds celery...

That's my recipe
for wild mushroom.

You're through,
Soup Nazi.

Pack it up.

No more soup for you.

Next!

She published my recipes.

I had to close the store
and move to Argentina.

She ruined my business.

His soup's
not all that good anyway.

What did you say?!

The state calls Mr. Babu Bhatt
to the stand.

How did they
find Babu?

I thought he was
deported.

You've come a long way
to be here today, haven't you?

You've come a long way
to be here today, haven't you?

Yes.

All the way
from Pakistan.

And what's your connection
to the defendant?

I owned a restaurant.

Seinfeld told me to change
the menu to Pakistani.

But nobody came.

There were no people.

And then what happened?

Then he got me an apartment
in his building

but they mixed up the mail

and I never got
my immigration renewal papers.

So they deported me.

It's all his fault!

BABU:
Him...

and the woman!

But they did not care.
They're totally indifferent.

All they do is mock me.

Just like they did
the fat fellow.

All the time mocking,
mocking, mocking, mocking.

All the time.

But now it is Babu's turn
to mock.

Finally,
I will have some justice.

Send them away.

Send them all away.
Lock them up forever.

They're not human.

They're very bad.

They're very bad.

Very, very, very bad.

[♪]

[♪]

Hi, I'm Geraldo Rivera,
and welcome

to this special edition
of Rivera Live.

Arguments in the
Good Samaritan trial
ended today

the jury has been
in deliberation

for four and a half
hours now.

Let's go live to
Jane Wells, who is in
Latham, Massachusetts

covering this trial for us.
Jane.

Just a few minutes ago,

the jury asked to see
the videotape.

That's the one where
they are overheard

That's the one where
they are overheard

making sarcastic remarks

during the robbery.

Yes, it's a very incriminating
piece of evidence.

But I must tell you,
Geraldo,

this courtroom and everyone
who's attended this trial

is still reeling
from the endless
parade of witnesses

who've come forth
so enthusiastically

to testify against
these four seemingly
ordinary people.

One had the feeling

that if Judge Vandelay
didn't put a stop to it

it could have
gone on for months.

Jane, whose testimony
do you think resonated

most strongly with this jury?

That is so hard to say.

That is so hard to say.

Certainly, there's the doctor
with the poison invitations.

The Bubble Boy was
an extremely sympathetic
and tragic figure.

And that bizarre contest
certainly didn't sit well

with this small-town jury.

There's the woman they sold
the defective wheelchair to.

The deported
Pakistani restauranteur.

Geraldo, it just went
on and on and on
into the night.

And so we wait.

[♪]

Do they make you wear uniforms
in prison?

I think so.

I think so.

It's not that bright
orange one, is it?

I hope it's not that one

because I cannot
wear orange.

Will you stop worrying?

Jackie's gonna get us off.
He never loses.

How about when he asked
that cop if a black man

had ever been to his house.

Did you see
the look on his face?

[♪]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Sorry to bother you,
judge.

How did you get in here?

Please.
If he's found guilty

please be kind to him.

please be kind to him.

He's a good boy.

This is highly irregular.

Well, maybe there's something
I can do for you.

What do you mean?

You know.

[♪]

Oh, Jackie.
You're so articulate.

Oh, Jackie.
You're so articulate.

We got plenty of time too.

This jury could be
out for days.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Damn.

They're ready.

[SOBS]

[♪]

Hey, Elaine.

What was it you were about to
say to me on the plane

What was it you were about to
say to me on the plane

when it was going down?

I've always loved...

United Airlines.

[♪]

I think it's
gonna be okay.

That girl
just smiled at me.

Maybe because she knows
you're going to jail.

[MOUTHING]
What?

All rise.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

have you reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

[♪]

VANDELAY:
Will the defendants
please rise?

And how do you find
with respect to

the charge of
criminal indifference?

We find the defendants...

guilty.

[SPECTATORS CHEERING
AND CRYING]

VANDELAY:
Order in this court!

Order!
Order in this court!

Order!
Order in this court!

VANDELAY:
I will clear this room.

I do not know how

or under what
circumstances

the four of you
found each other.

But your callous indifference
and utter disregard

for everything
that is good and decent

has rocked the very
foundation upon which
our society is built.

I can think of nothing
more fitting

I can think of nothing
more fitting

than for the four of you
to spend a year

removed from society

so that you can
contemplate

the manner in which
you have conducted yourselves.

I know I will.

This court is adjourned.

You had to hop.

You had to hop
on the plane!

Puddy.

Don't wait for me.

All right.

We gotta
get out of here.

We wanna beat
the traffic.

Come on, Jackie.
Let's go.

What?

Oh, and by the way...

they're real,
and they're spectacular.

[♪]

JERRY:
Well, it's only a year.

JERRY:
Well, it's only a year.

That's not so bad.

We'll be out
in a year.

And then
we'll be back.

Could be fun.

Don't have to worry
about your meals or...

what you're gonna do
Saturday nights,

and they do shows.

Yeah, we-- We could
put on a show.

Maybe, uh, Bye Bye Birdie
or My Fair Lady.

Yeah, Elaine,

you could be
Liza Doolittle.

Whoo.

Why don't you just
blow it out your a--?

[GIBBERISH]

If I call Jill
from prison,

you think that would make up
for the other ones?

Sure.

'Cause you only get
one call.

The prison call is like
the king of calls.

I think that would be
a very nice gesture.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh!

I got it.

It's out.

Whoo.

Not that bad, huh?

Oh, boy,
what a relief.

See, now, to me, that button
is in the worst possible spot.

Really?
Oh, yeah.

The second button
is the key button.

It literally makes
or breaks the shirt.

It literally makes
or breaks the shirt.

Look at it.
It's too high.

It's in
no man's land.

Haven't we had
this conversation before?

You think?

I think
we have.

Yeah,
maybe we have.

[♪]

So, what is the deal
with the yard?

When I was a kid, my mother
wanted me to play in the yard

but she didn't have to worry
about my neighbor

sticking a shiv in my thigh.

[LAUGHING]

Whoo!

What's with the lockdown?

Why do we have to be
locked in our cells?

Are we that bad
that we have to be
sent to prison in prison?

You would think
the weightlifting

and the sodomy is enough.

[LAUGHING]

So, uh,
anyone from Cellblock D?

MAN 1:
I am.

I'll talk slower.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

I'm kidding.
I love Cellblock D.

My friend George
is in Cellblock D.

What are you in for, sir?

MAN 2:
Murder one.

Murder one.

Ooh.

Watch out, everybody.
Better be nice to you.

I'm only kidding, sir.
Lighten up.

How about you?

MAN 3:
Grand theft auto.

Grand theft auto.

Don't steal any
of my jokes.

MAN 3:
You suck.
I'm gonna cut you.

Hey, I don't knock
the license plate
out of your hand.

All right, Seinfeld,
that's it. Let's go. Come on.

All right.
Hey, you've been great.

See you in the cafeteria.

See you in the cafeteria.

[ALL BOOING]