Original subtitles

Cup of tea with lemon.

What happened to your voice?

I was screaming at hecklers all night.

Last time I open for a rodeo.

Well, Jerry...

I've been thinking.

I've gone as far as I can go with...

George Costanza.

Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?

The nickname.

"George." What is that?

It-- It's nothing.

It's got no snap, no zip.

I need a nickname that makes people light up.

You mean like "Liza."

You mean like "Liza."

But I was thinking...

T-bone.

But there's no T in your name.

What about G-bone?

There's no G-bone.

There's a G-spot.

That's a myth.

T-bone, the ladies are gonna love you.

[♪]

[♪]

ELAINE: Why did they hire you for a rodeo?

They heard I opened for Kenny Rogers once.

Didn't he throw you off a bus

in the middle of Alabama?

Oh, I had that coming to me.

You know, Kenny Rogers has a--

[WHISPERS] Why did you get a maid?

[WHISPERS] You don't have to whisper.

She knows she's a maid.

[WHISPERS] Where did you get her?

[NORMAL VOICE] I hired her from a service.

[NORMAL VOICE] I hired her from a service.

All done.

Thank you. Nice job.

Is this mine?

Yeah.

[DOOR CLOSES]

What?

Come on, Jerry. You didn't notice?

Notice what?

She's not really even a maid.

Oh.

She wants to be an actress... Mm-hm.

...or a, uh, model... Mm.

...or a dancer. Or a...

...or a dancer. Or a...

BOTH: newswoman, uh-huh.

Hey. Hi.

Well, bad news, boys.

Yeah, my life is over.

My girlfriend's moving away.

You have a girlfriend?

Jerry, where have you been?

At a rodeo.

Where's she moving?

Downtown.

Downtown New York?

Yeah. I don't know

if I can handle one of these

long-distance relationships.

It's, like ten minutes by subway.

Uh, I don't know. Oh, jeez.

Well, you got a maid.

Come on, it's a whole different world downtown.

Different Gap, different Tower Records.

And she's a 646.

What? What is that?

That's the new area code.

They've run out of 212s,

so all the new phone numbers are 646.

Huh. I was a 718 when I first moved here.

I cried every night.

Listen. Heads up, Elaine.

I'm gonna have to stop by later and pick up a fax.

At work? No. At your apartment.

I don't have a fax machine.

Here we go.

Well, now what are we gonna do?

See? This is why you should get a fax and a Xerox.

And a deadbolt.

Are you sure you don't have one?

Because there's a lot of stuff in my apartment I've never seen.

Then maybe you have a fax machine.

You just blew my mind.

[♪]

KRUGER: Let's order lunch.

Mary, I will have a chef's salad.

Turkey sandwich.

T-bone steak.

For lunch?

Well, I am just a T-bone kind of guy.

Well, I am just a T-bone kind of guy.

[SNICKERS]

Love that T-bone.

In fact, you might as well call me--

That sounds good. I'll have one too.

Watkins, you're having a T-bone?

I love 'em.

Well, then we should call you T-bone.

Uh...no, no-- No, we shouldn't.

T-bone!

ALL: T-bone! T-bone!

T-bone! T-bone!

T-bone!

[RINGS]

[RINGS]

[RINGS]

[RINGS]

Hello?

[FAX BEEPS]

What?

MACHINE: You have 57 messages.

Message one...

[FAX BEEPS]

Message two...

[FAX BEEPS]

Message three...

Hey, it's George. Listen, I--

MACHINE: Message four...

[FAX BEEPS]

Kramer.

[RINGS]

[RINGS]

[RINGS]

[RINGS]

Hello?

[FAX BEEPS] Aah!

[♪]

JERRY: Well, Cindy, the place looks great.

Thanks, Jerry. Gotta run.

Thanks, Jerry. Gotta run.

Okay, I'll see you.

Hi, Elaine.

[GROANS]

All right!

Fooling around with your maid.

That is a wise decision.

Elaine. Do you think I would go willy-nilly

Elaine. Do you think I would go willy-nilly

into a situation so obviously fraught

with potential complications?

Tsk. You are paying a woman to come to your house

and sleep with you.

No.

I pay her to clean.

The rest is--

What? A health plan?

I was going to say, "being a good host."

Oh-ho-ho. Oh.

But the point is we have our personal relationship,

and we have our work relationship.

and we have our work relationship.

They're separate, and, I think,

somewhat sophisticated.

So you consider this a relationship?

Yes, I do.

Oh. Have you been out?

Yes, we have.

Where did you go?

The store. Mm.

To get what?

Stuff. Cleaning supplies?

And gum. Oh.

Well, there's nothing more sophisticated

than diddling the maid and then chewing some gum.

She's not a maid. She might be a newswoman!

Hey, uh--

Hey, uh--

Well, I just saw Madeline off.

Yeah, she's in a cab and--

ung-ung-ung --on her way.

I miss her already.

Hey, Kramer.

What was it you were having faxed

to my house every 30 seconds?

Well, I-- I signed up for a food-delivery service.

Yeah, "Now We're Cooking."

It's a... [CLICKS TONGUE]

...play on words.

You know, they're faxing me the menus

from some restaurants.

Which ones? Well, all of them.

Yeah, it's the deluxe package.

Yeah, it's the deluxe package.

So this is never gonna stop?

Well, it better not.

Paid for the whole year.

So should I pick those up later?

You can pick 'em up right now.

[IMITATES FAX BEEPING]

Ah!

[♪]

ELAINE [THINKING]: I wonder if anyone knows he's here.

If he just disappeared...

...would anybody notice?

All right, Miss Benes...

all finished.

Here's your new number.

Here's your new number.

Ahem.

Six-four-six? What is this?

That's your new area code.

I thought 646 was just for new numbers.

This is a new number.

No. No, no, no.

It's not a new number.

It's-- It's-- It's just a changed number.

See, it's-- It's not different.

It's the same, just...

changed.

Look...I work for the phone company.

I've had a lot of experience with semantics,

so don't try to lure me into some maze of circular logic.

You know, I could've killed you,

and no one would've known.

I could've killed you, and no one would've known.

Hm.

[♪]

[DOOR CLOSES]

JERRY: Kramer, you're still on the phone?

Madeline and I are watching Quincy together.

Jerry, you know this comes on

at the same time here as it does there?

Really? It's Tuesday here. What day is it there?

Jerry's teasing.

Oh-oh! Commercial.

Oh, you going to the bathroom?

Yeah, I'll go too.

Madeline stays here.

Madeline stays here.

Hey, T-bone.

No. No T-bone.

No T-bone?

KRAMER: Hey, is that T-bone?!

No! There's no T-bone!

KRAMER: Well, why no T-bone?!

Why no T-bone?

'Cause Neil Watkins from Accounting is T-bone!

Oh, yeah.

I'm back.

Hey, you wanna play cards over the phone?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, hey, uh, listen, Jerry.

Uh...laundry's piling up there.

Uh...laundry's piling up there.

You might want to tell your girlfriend.

Mm. Yeah.

Your girlfriend is doing your laundry?

KRAMER: He's sleeping with his maid!

Sleeping with the maid?

Yes.

I've done that.

Did you ever eat an ostrich burger?

No.

[♪]

You're probably one of those women

who doesn't like to give out her number.

who doesn't like to give out her number.

No, I'm not. Here you go.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Six-four-six?

It's a new area code.

What area? N-- New Jersey?

No, no. It's right here in the city.

It's the same as 212.

They just multiplied it by three...

and then they added one

to the middle number.

It's the same.

Do I have to dial a 1 first?

I'm really kind of seeing somebody.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Well, so am I!

[♪]

GEORGE: Excuse me.

Can I, uh, talk to you, Watkins?

It's T-bone.

The thing is...

I'm supposed to be T-bone.

Heh-heh. You're not a T-bone.

Uh, you're a perfect George.

What?

Now, you listen to me!

Boy, look at George.

He's giving it to T-bone.

He's...

He's jumping up and down

like some kind of monkey.

Hey, what was the name of that--

Th-that monkey

that could read sign language?

All right. You can have T-bone.

Stop crying.

[SNIFFLING]

I'm not crying.

And I...

shouldn't have said that about your wife.

Please accept my apologies.

Okay, everybody, uh...

I have an announcement to make.

From now on...

I will be known as--

I will be known as--

Koko, the monkey.

What?

ALL: Koko! Koko!

Koko! Koko!

Koko! Koko!

Thank you both for being here.

Um, excuse me.

I live in the building.

Did something happen to Mrs. Krantz?

She passed.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

A quick question.

Did she by any chance have a 212 phone number?

Did she by any chance have a 212 phone number?

[♪]

CINDY: I can't find my earring.

Oh. Here it is.

Hey.

Listen, can I borrow your suitcases?

Yeah, it's in your closet.

No, no, no. I looked.

They're behind my skis and my tennis racket.

Thanks, buddy.

Where you going?

Huh? Well, I'm-- I'm getting out of town.

I'm gonna visit Madeline for the weekend.

You know, this place is looking kind of messy.

What happened to Cindy?

Oh, she's here. She just didn't get around to it. Oh.

Hi, Kramer.

Thanks, Jerry.

Bye.

Oh.

Well, what's the matter?

What did I just pay for?

Uh-oh.

You're a john.

[♪]

[♪]

JERRY: Koko?

Koko.

Well, it's probably the most intelligent ape there is.

Yeah.

So...

how's Cindy the maid?

Everything's going great,

except, basically, I'm paying for sex.

Tell me about it.

I went out with this girl last week.

First, I had to pay for dinner. Then--

No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning.

It's like I'm seeing a prostitute.

How much you pay this maid?

Forty.

Forty? I'm paying 60 to my maid.

Forty? I'm paying 60 to my maid.

She doesn't do laundry. And I'm getting nothing.

All right.

Once, she pinched my ass, but...

I don't know what that was.

I don't know what this is.

Hey, hey, hey.

Look at that.

Huh? Ooh.

Jerry, you wouldn't believe what it's like down there.

Taxicab drivers are insane.

You know, everybody is in a hurry.

Look, I-- I can't eat with you leaning over like this.

Just look straight forward.

Yeah, well, now I can't see Jerry.

I look about the same.

What? I was talking to him.

Uh, what?

Never mind.

Come on, what'd he say?

Never mind.

Jerry.

Come on, what'd you say?

What?

Come on. Where'd you go?

Go back.

Eh.

Come on, what'd you say?

I said, never mind.

Yeah, I know that.

I hate the counter.

Hey. Hey.

Oh. I hate the counter.

Yeah, who's that?

Well, I got a 212 number

from this little old lady in my building, Mrs. Krantz.

Oh, she didn't mind?

No. She died.

Hey, that's great.

Hey, that's great.

What happened to Mrs. Krantz?

Elaine got a new number because she died.

Newman died?

What did he say?

Some new kind of pie.

I'll try a piece.

All right, who's down there?

Hey, there's a booth. Well--

Hey. Elaine.

Oh, hi.

Did you hear about Newman?

What? [WHIMPERS]

[♪]

GEORGE: Hey.

So how's it going at work?

They get tired of it?

Oh, yeah.

Double zero?

It's "ooh."

As in "ooh-ooh, ah-ah."

Your nickname's Koko?

One of the girls down at the maid service is named Coco.

Really? Coco? Yeah. Coco.

That girl's all right.

You know, if I could get this Coco woman down to Kruger,

then they wouldn't be able to call me Koko anymore,

because Kruger would never allow two Kokos.

Sounds like he runs a real tight ship.

Say goodbye to Koko.

Goodbye, Koko.

Goodbye, Koko.

Phew! Jerry.

This relationship is killing me.

The distance, the longing, the distance, the--

you know, I didn't realize it, but I'm a needy person.

Kramer, maybe this relationship isn't for you.

Oh, yeah? So what am I supposed to do,

be more like you?

All sealed up in here, emotionally unavailable.

Paying scrubwomen for sexual favors.

No! Jerry! I won't be like you!

Never! I'll never be like you!

What was that?

I didn't hear anything.

All right, I'm taking off. Okay.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, right.

Hey, it was great seeing you again. I love your outfit.

No. My money.

For what?

For my maid services. You booked me for today.

But you didn't really do any work.

I made the bed.

But you took a nap in it.

So?

I thought that was kind of...

I thought that was kind of...

girlfriend bed-making.

No, that was the maid.

Who took the nap?

The girlfriend.

Forty dollars seems kind of steep for a nap.

So, what are you saying? That I'm a-- A bad maid or--

Or some kind of a prostitute?

Ho, ho. Ho!

Hold on.

Let's keep this sophisticated.

You know, I don't think I want to be your girlfriend

or your maid.

So is this a breakup/quitting?

Yeah. Don't ever call me or hire me again.

Oh, yeah?

Well, then, were through!

Well, then, were through!

And you're fired.

[♪]

TELEPHONE SERVICEMAN: Sign here.

ELAINE: Yes! Two-one-two.

Hey, what happened to the guy I had last time?

Oh, you know, it's an odd thing.

He went out on a job, never came back.

Nobody knows what happened.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

All right. I am back in the game.

Hello?

Gammy.

No. You got the wrong number, kid.

Gammy Krantz. It's your grandson, Bobby.

Gammy Krantz. It's your grandson, Bobby.

Why haven't you called?

Oh, nuts.

Do you hate me 'cause of my lazy eye?

No. It's just that I've been

kind of buried over here.

[♪]

JERRY: So the kid doesn't know his grandmother is dead?

G-5.

Hit.

No, I guess his parents didn't want to tell him.

B-2

Miss.

He called six times yesterday.

[SCOFFS] What a nightmare

[SCOFFS] What a nightmare

it must be to have a real family.

I wouldn't worry about it.

B-6?

Hit. Uh.

You sank my submarine.

Elaine...

[IMITATES EXPLOSION]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

COMPUTER VOICE: you have a collect call from--

KRAMER: Hey, buddy, don't say no!

I accept.

I went down to Madeline's.

I told her, "You gotta move, or it's over."

Well, what happened?

I think it's over.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

[MOUTHING WORDS]

We had a big fight,

she threw me out, I started walking,

And now I'm lost downtown!

I don't have any money. I don't recognize anybody.

[SOBBING] I miss home. I don't even know how to get there.

What's around you?

Uh. I'm looking at Ray's Pizza.

You know where that is?

Is it Famous Ray's?

No, it's Original Ray's.

Famous Original Ray's?

It's just Original, Jerry!

Well, what street are you on?

Okay, I'm on 1st and 1st.

Okay, I'm on 1st and 1st.

How can the same street intersect with itself?

I must be at the nexus of the universe.

Just wait there. I'll pick you up.

And, Kramer...

stay alive.

No matter what occurs,

I will find you!

Aah!

[♪]

You Steinfeld?

Yeah.

My name is Maxwell. I'm from Maid to Order.

It's a pun.

I sent one of my girls over to your place.

Cindy.

She says she had a little problem with you.

You didn't pay.

You didn't pay.

She didn't really do what she was supposed to do.

Oh, yeah? She told me what you like.

You're a little sickie, aren't you?

Disinfectant on the blinds, vacuuming the couch--

Hey, hey, come on. Come on.

I gotta live around here.

You know what I do to people who stiff me on a job?

What?

Well, it kind of depends on the situation.

But if I don't get my money from you,

I'm gonna get it from her.

I-- I don't want any trouble.

You want the money? Here. No-- Hey!

Wait, wait! Whoa! Give it to the girl.

I'm an independent contractor.

Tax purposes.

[♪]

Bobby, you gotta stop calling your Gammy.

Why?

Because sometimes you call very early in the morning

when Gammy has been out late the night before.

And sometimes when Gammy's not alone.

Your parents still haven't said anything to you

about your Gammy?

[SIGHS]

All right. Here we go.

[COUGHING]

Gammy doesn't feel so good.

Gammy doesn't feel so good.

I think Gammy might be dying.

Yep. Yep. Okay.

Goodbye, Bobby.

Don't call anymore.

I'm dead now. Gotta go.

[♪]

BOBBY: Nine-one-one.

Nexus of the universe.

Hey.

Cindy. Cindy.

What do you want?

Here. I got your money.

I don't want any money from you.

Come on. Take it. It's money.

Come on. Take it. It's money.

Let me give it to you.

[OVER LOUDSPEAKER] Looking for a good time, sir?

You wanna step out of the car...

sickie?

Well, this is all...

very sophisticated.

[POUNDING]

All right! Hang on, Gammy!

You're gonna make it! [SCREAMS]

[♪]

Hey, you look a little lost.

You from around here?

You from around here?

Uh, no.

You know where you're going?

Uh, not really. My friend was supposed to pick me up,

but I don't know where he is.

Doesn't sound like much of a friend.

You got any money?

Uh, no.

You wanna make some?

Okay.

Do you know how to use a mop wringer?

Yeah. Yeah.

Why don't you get in the car?

[DOOR BEEPING]

Hi.

These are soft seats.

[♪]

[♪]

KRUGER: Hey, Koko.

Who's this?

Uh, this is our new

vice president of acquisitions, sir.

So you're just hiring new people now?

That's your job? To hire people?

Yes?

Okay. Good enough for me, Koko.

Ahem.

Now, what's your name?

My name is Coco.

Coco Higgins. Wha--

Coco Higgins. Wha--

Coco?

We can't have two Cocos.

So I guess you're back to being George.

Well, it was a hell of a ride.

All right. The Grace Building.

There's a big stain on the front.

How do we get it off?

When I was a little girl in Jamaica,

my Gammy taught me to take a wet rag, and in a cir--

Ah, uh-- Uh, excuse me, uh, Vice President Coco...

No-- No one cares about your Gammy.

What did you say about my Gammy?

What did you say about my Gammy?

Forget Gammy.

Who's Gammy?

There-- There's no Gammy.

Maybe there should be a Gammy.

Oh, no.

George.

Gammy.

ALL: Gammy! Gammy!

Gammy! Gammy!

Gammy's getting upset!

Gammy! Gammy!

[♪]