Original subtitles

I'm doing a set tonight.

You hanging out?

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

[♪]

[SMOKE ALARM BLARING]

[RINGS]

[RINGS]

Hello?

Hello?

You're bad, huh?

I'd like to see you come up here and say that to my face!

[POUNDING]

[POUNDING]

So what's the deal with politics?

I don't get it.

Am I right, people?

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

I don't believe this.

[♪]

[♪]

I read somewhere that this Brentano's

is the place to meet girls in New York.

First it was the health club,

then the supermarket, now the bookstore.

They could put it anywhere they want.

No one's meeting anybody.

Hey, Jerry, look at all of these pagodas, huh?

I gotta get over to Hong Kong

before it all goes back to China.

You better hurry.

I'm gonna hit the head.

Oh, boy, look at this.

Hong Kong's outlawed the ricksha.

See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York.

See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York.

Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles.

Hm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong.

I should give her a call.

She's at that annual Peterman party tonight.

You know, the one she danced at last year.

No, that wasn't dancing.

Hey, there's Leo.

Oh, who's Leo?

Uncle Leo.

Oh, yeah, right. Uncle Leo.

Forgot his first name.

Forgot his first name.

Yeah.

Did I just see that?

Well,

that ought to keep you busy for a couple of days, huh?

[♪]

So, Elaine,

are you gonna dance this year?

Maybe.

All over your face.

WOMAN: If you do dance,

the cooks wanna know so they can be

brought out of the kitchen.

They missed it last year.

They missed it last year.

[TAPPING]

My friends, a toast.

As the woolly-haired Melanesians of Papua New Guinea once said:

[CLICKING AND POPPING]

[MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

All right! Who's dancing?

PETERMAN: No one.

All right, I'll just have to get things started.

ALL: Ooh!

[ALL CLAMORING]

[APPLAUSE]

Hi. I'm Zach.

Hi.

I'm miserable.

[LAUGHTER]

[♪]

♪ Ba, ba Ba-da, ba-dum ♪

Excuse me, sir.

What are you doing?

I'm all set.

Did you take that book with you into the bathroom?

What do you want to hear?

What do you want to hear?

[♪]

GEORGE: They made me buy it.

A hundred bucks this thing cost me!

How dare they?

I got news for you, if it wasn't for the toilet,

there would be no books.

Yeah, I understand Gutenberg used to spend

a fair amount of time in there.

They're selling coffee, bran muffins,

you're surrounded by reading material...

It's entrapment!

"French Impressionist Paintings"?

I find the soothing pastoral images very conducive--

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Well, I'm gonna go back there later and return it

when there's different people working.

You wanna catch a movie?

I can't. I'm meeting Uncle Leo.

I saw him shoplifting at the bookstore.

All right, Leo. Stickin' it to the man.

Sleeping in the car again?

Cocktail flu.

Oh, right. The big party.

You, uh...

didn't dance again, did you?

No.

I found a better way to humiliate myself.

I found a better way to humiliate myself.

[SIGHS]

There was this guy, and we had a few too many.

You went home with him?

ELAINE: Worse.

We made out at the table

like our plane was going down.

Oh, the drunken make-out.

An office classic.

Did you end up Xeroxing anything?

Do you know how embarrassing this is

to someone in my position?

What is your position?

I am an associate.

Hey. Me too.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, God. Why did I do this?

Now, I'm the office skank.

Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating.

ELAINE: Oh.

Right.

'Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just...

a beautiful moment between two lovers.

As opposed to a spirited bout

of skanko-Roman wrestling.

Oh, bravo.

[♪]

[♪]

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, hey.

Can I fix you fellas some drinks and sandwiches?

No, no. We've already eaten.

But you can clear some of this stuff out of the way.

Jerry, check this out.

Remember my idea about rickshas in New York?

Well, we're gonna make it happen.

No, you're not.

Well, Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office.

No, he doesn't.

He's shipping us a ricksha. It can't miss.

Yes, it can.

We'll start out with one, and then when it catches on,

We'll start out with one, and then when it catches on,

we're gonna have a whole fleet.

It's the romance of the hansom cab

without the guilt or dander of the equine.

That's right.

So who's gonna pull this thing?

I just assumed that you would.

Yeah, but I thought-- [GIBBERS] No.

My, isn't this an awkward moment?

Wait a minute.

What about the homeless?

Can't we worry about them later?

To pull the ricksha.

To pull the ricksha.

They do have an intimate knowledge of the street.

They're always walking around the city.

Why not just strap something to them?

Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day.

[♪]

LEO: Jerry, hello!

So, Leo, how's everything?

You doing okay?

I still have the ringing in the ears.

It sounds like the phone.

Yeah, yeah. But what about money?

Are you strapped? Do you need a little?

Are you strapped? Do you need a little?

Are you kidding?

I should be loaning you money!

But I'm not.

Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday.

Why didn't you say hello?

Because you were too busy stealing a book.

You still say hello.

Leo, I saw you steal.

Oh, they don't care. We all do it.

Who? Criminals?

Senior citizens.

No big deal.

You could get arrested.

Arrested? Come on!

Arrested? Come on!

I'm an old man. I'm confused.

I thought I paid for it.

What's my name? Could you take me home?

Leo.

All right, all right, Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes.

You made your point.

Thank you.

Will somebody answer that damn phone?

[♪]

Of course Zach and I have been dating.

What did you think, I was the office skank?

Well...

Well?

We've been dating for 3 months,

between you and me

between you and me

and anyone else you want to tell.

Ha-ha.

Oh, man. Ugh!

Isn't that Zach?

Yeah.

Aren't you upset?

Yes!

Oh, man!

[WAILING]

All right, listen up.

Now, you three have been handpicked

out of possibly dozens who applied.

Now, what we're looking for are motivated, hard-working,

Now, what we're looking for are motivated, hard-working,

homeless, uh, gentlemen,

like yourselves, to pull rickshas.

Now, I don't care where you're from,

or how you got here, or what happened to your homes.

But you will have to be physically fit.

[CLINKS]

The government!

Because to pull rickshas

requires more than just strong legs.

You're also gonna need a well-toned upper body.

Or a shirt.

Right. Who's first?

Name, please.

Rusty. Rusty.

You know, I once knew a horse named Rusty.

No offense.

All right now. Take it down the end of the block,

make a controlled turn, and bring 'er back.

Let's see what you've got.

Okay, ready and go!

Giddyup.

Good form.

All right, pace yourself.

You're gonna have to do this all day for very little money.

KRAMER: Hey, what's he doing?

I think he's stealing our ricksha!

Well, then, he's out.

I'll take the job.

I'll take the job.

Potato salad!

[♪]

Yes, I, uh-- I need to return this book.

[BEEP, BUZZER]

I'm sorry. We can't take this book back.

Why not?

It's been flagged.

Flagged?

It's been in the bathroom.

It says that on the computer?

Please take it home.

We don't want it near the other books.

Well, you just lost a lot of business.

Because I love to read!

Because I love to read!

Oh, I don't believe this.

Excuse me, I wonder if you could do me a favor?

My uncle's having a problem with shoplifting.

Mm-hm. Where's your uncle?

He's over there in the overcoat.

If you could just kind of put a scare into him,

you know, set him straight.

We have a 51-50 in paperbacks.

All units respond.

MAN [OVER RADIO]: Roger, 10-4.

51-50. That-- That's just a scare, right?

51-50. That-- That's just a scare, right?

I'm gonna have to ask you to stand out of the way

and let us handle this.

Swarm! Swarm!

What?

I'm an old man! I'm confused!

You're under arrest.

I just wanted you to scare him.

Jerry, you ratted me out!

Hello?

Hello.

[♪]

[♪]

JERRY: Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo.

I just wanted the guard to scare him straight.

Jerry, he won't last a day in prison.

Prison?

I'm sure it's just a fine.

He's got priors.

Prior convictions? Leo?

It was a crime of passion. Leave it alone.

Besides,

it's not stealing if it's something you need.

What does that mean?

Nobody pays for everything.

You're stealing too?

JERRY: What are you stealing?

JERRY: What are you stealing?

Nothing.

Uh, batteries.

Well, they wear out so quick.

Mom, you too?

Sometimes your father forgets, so I have to steal them.

All right, I'll talk to you later.

Well, the ricksha's gone.

We strapped it to a homeless guy and he--

[HIGH-PITCHED BUZZ]

He bolted.

Well, you know, 85 percent of all

homeless ricksha businesses fail within the first three months.

I tell you, we should have got some collateral from him.

I tell you, we should have got some collateral from him.

Like his bag of cans or his...

other bag of cans.

We gotta find that ricksha.

You check the sewers and dumpsters.

I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries and smorgasbords.

To the idiot-mobile.

[♪]

So even though you're not really going out with this guy,

he's cheating on you.

That is correct.

But here's the beauty part.

Now, I stand up for myself by telling everybody

I'm dumping his sorry ass,

I'm dumping his sorry ass,

and I'm the...office...

Tina Turner?

All right.

Well, I've been to every Brentano's.

This thing is flagged in every database in town.

Is it so horrible to have to keep a book?

I don't understand what the big deal is.

They let you try on pants.

Not underpants.

Hey, that's your Uncle Leo.

Uncle Leo. Hello!

Jerry.

Jerry.

Uncle Leo...

I'm sorry. I didn't know about your...

past.

You mean my crime of passion?

If anyone betrays me, I never forget.

Uncle Leo, wait!

Hello!

French impressionism. Ohh, I love this!

Now, what is the problem with this book?

Nothing.

How much do you want for it?

You know, I could let it go for, uh, say, 125.

You know, I could let it go for, uh, say, 125.

Leo's furious.

What is that doing on the table?

Jerry, simmer down.

I'm not eating anything in the vicinity of that book.

What is wrong with this book?

Simmer!

That book has been on a wild ride.

George took it into the bathroom at--

All right!

Everyone clear!

Biohazard! Coming through!

Clear!

Clear!

May I ask,

May I ask,

what do you read in the bathroom?

I don't read in the bathroom.

Well, aren't you something?

[♪]

PETERMAN: Elaine, do you have a moment?

It's about your lover.

Oh, yes.

I know all about his little performance

in the break room.

Elaine,

who among us hasn't snuck into the break room

to nibble on a love newton?

Love newton?

Love newton?

I'm afraid the problem with Zach is more serious.

He's back on the horse, Elaine.

Smack.

White palace.

The Chinaman's nightcap.

An addict.

Well, it just keeps getting better.

And in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible.

I'm the one who sent him to Thailand

in search of low-cost whistles.

Filled his head with pseudo-erotic tales

of my own opium excursions.

Plus I gave him some phone numbers

of places he could score near the hotel.

of places he could score near the hotel.

Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is,

is that I was planning on breaking up with Zach anyway.

He was cheating on me.

Damn it, Elaine, that wasn't Zach.

That was the yam-yam.

Now, he is going cold turkey, and you will be at his side.

Oh. Well, you know, I-- I had planned to--

No buts, Elaine,

or I will strip you of your associate status.

Uh, P.S.,

the first 24 hours are the worst.

the first 24 hours are the worst.

Better bring a poncho.

[♪]

HELEN: It was a crime of passion.

UNCLE LEO: If anyone betrays me, I never forget.

HELEN: He won't last a day in prison.

[♪]

Jerry.

Hello!

Jerry.

Jerry.

Hello!

Jerry!

[PHONE RINGS]

Answer the damn phone!

[GASPS]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello!

Hey. It's me.

Uncle Leo?

Oh, that's nice.

What are you up to?

Nightmares. You?

My fake boyfriend is going through real withdrawals.

ZACH: I'm burning up!

Eat your soup!

You're not feeding him, are you?

Why?

[GAGS]

[GAGS]

I told you, away from the curtains.

Away.

Use your bucket.

[RETCHES]

There you go. That's it.

You know what? I gotta go.

[DIAL TONE]

Hey, buddy.

Oh!

Kramer.

I thought I heard you.

Get out of here.

Hey, Kramer, there you are.

Will everybody please leave?

I heard that a postman spotted a ricksha

down in Battery Park.

Our ricksha? It's entirely possible.

Our ricksha? It's entirely possible.

I want everyone out!

Ok, let's talk in Jerry's kitchen.

Ah. I'll make some cocoa.

Good night...Jerry.

Good night...Newman.

[♪]

NEWMAN: There it is.

KRAMER: Rusty.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, do I get the job?

Yeah, yeah. We'll get back to you.

Come on, let's get this baby home.

[GRUNTS] What?

You know, when you think about it,

it's kind of silly for us both to pull this thing

all the way back uptown.

I mean, after all, it is a conveyance.

I guess, that's true.

So which one of us is gonna pull?

Well, there's only one way to settle this.

One spot, two spot, zigzag, tear,

pop-dye, penny got, tennyum, tear,

harum-scarum, rip 'em, tear 'em,

te, ta...

toe. Yeah.

Best two out of three.

Best two out of three.

One spot, two spot...

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

Hey, boy!

Smooth it out up there!

Too much jostling!

[♪]

So you wanna donate this to charity?

Well, I assume there's some sort of write-off.

What's the value of the book?

A-about $200, Miss DeMooney.

It's DeMornay.

Rebecca DeMornay.

Oh.

Oh. Wait a second.

This book has been in a bathroom.

Wh-what are you talking about?

Wh-what are you talking about?

That's-- That's ridiculous.

It's been flagged.

I know.

I used to work in a Brentano's.

Mister, we're trying to help the homeless here.

It's bad enough that we have some nut out there

trying to strap 'em to a ricksha!

All right, I--

I'll just take 50.

D-do we have a deal?

Yeah.

And here it is.

You get your toilet book out of here,

and I won't jump over this counter

and punch you in the brain.

I could take it in merchandise.

Here I come.

Here I come.

[♪]

So this book will tell me how to get puke out of cashmere?

Yeah.

Great.

So the worst is over?

Yeah.

Now I can break up with him.

He's clean and I'm the office hero.

Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real ones.

Yeah. Huh.

I even got an idea out of it.

The detox poncho.

See ya.

I'd like to speak with the manager, please.

I'd like to speak with the manager, please.

Mind your pace, boy! Chop chop!

I've hit the wall! I gotta take a break!

Well, don't tarry. I'm behind schedule as it is.

Yah!

Boy?

Boy!

Kramer!

Whoa!

Wait!

[SCREAMING]

Well,

this is the first day of the rest of my life.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[♪]

George, what are you doing here?

I can't sell the book.

It's been marked.

It certainly has.

So I'm going to steal another one,

and then I'm going to return it.

That way, everything is even.

That way, everything is even.

You defile one book,

steal another,

ask for your money back,

and to you that's even.

I'm going in.

Did you want to speak to the manager?

Yes. My uncle Leo was caught shoplifting here the other day.

Yes. Uncle Leo. I remember him.

I'm sorry. Our policy is we prosecute all shoplifters.

Oh, come on. He's just a lonely old man.

All old people steal.

That's right.

That's why we stopped carrying batteries.

That's why we stopped carrying batteries.

Look, I'll be honest with you,

We've had a lot of trouble with theft lately,

and my boss said I have to make an example of someone.

So it could be anyone?

Mm, I guess.

As long as we catch him in the act.

That guy! Swarm!

JERRY: Swarm!

No! Jerry!

[♪]

[♪]