Original subtitles

[♪]

WOMAN: Careful, this plate is extremely hot.

Thank you.

Ow! Ow.

I just told you it was hot. Why'd you touch it?

I just wanted to know what your idea of hot is.

Hey, babe, you ready to hit the ice?

Yep. I am ready to skate up a--

[LAUGHS]

Why are you wearing that?

It's my winter coat.

It's my winter coat.

A fur?

Is there a problem?

A seemingly infinite supply.

Ow! Ah. Careful, it's hot.

Ah!

[♪]

[♪]

JERRY: So Puddy wears a man fur?

He was struttin' around the coffee shop

like Stein Eriksen.

And, of course, you find fur morally reprehensible.

Eh, anti-fur.

Who has the energy anymore?

This is more about hanging off the arm of an idiot.

This is the first you're seeing of the coat?

Ugh. We never dated in winter.

You might want to get a look at that bathing-suit drawer.

You might want to get a look at that bathing-suit drawer.

Oh,

we walked by Bloomingdale's the other day,

and I saw that massage chair we want to get Joe Mayo

as an apartment gift.

An apartment-warming gift?

We got to give presents to people for moving?

The birthdays, Christmas, it's enough gifts.

I would like one month off.

Kramer said it's a perfect gift. That's what we're getting him.

We're not buying it at Bloomingdale's.

I will buy it, you pay me back later.

I'll sniff out a deal.

I have a sixth sense. Heh.

Cheapness is not a sense.

Cheapness is not a sense.

ELAINE: I can't stand Joe Mayo's parties.

You know, the second you walk in,

he's got you working for him.

"Hey, can you do me a favor?

Can you keep an eye on the ice, make sure we have enough?"

Ah.

I had a great time at the last one.

I was in charge of the music.

[CHUCKLING] I turned that mother out.

Hey, you got any pliers? Hey.

What, has Newman got another Army man stuck in his ear?

Hilarious.

Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door

Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door

so you can see in.

Why?

To prevent an ambush. Yeah.

So now I can peek in to see if anyone

is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.

But then anyone can just look in and see you.

Our policy is: we're comfortable with our bodies.

You know, if somebody wants to help themselves to an eyeful,

well, we say, "Enjoy the show."

I'm sorry I can't stay for the second act.

I'm sorry I can't stay for the second act.

Hey, George,

here's the model number on that chair, by the way.

Hmm, nice wallet.

Wallet.

What?

Nobody carries wallets anymore.

I mean, they went out with powdered wigs.

Here. See, here's what you need:

just a couple of cards and your bankroll.

See, keep the big bills on the outside.

That's a 5.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

[♪]

KRAMER: ♪ I'm on the Mexican ♪

♪ Whoa-oh, radio ♪

♪ Whoa-oh, radio ♪

Uh, what are you doing?

Hey, Silvio.

Yeah, I'm reversing my peephole.

Hey, you know you gotta get permission from me.

I'm the super. Who said you could do that?

Well, who says I can do any of the things I do in my place?

Like what?

Well, like--

Uh, nothing.

I'll, um-- I'll switch it back.

No, no, no, no. That's all right.

Oh, yeah, well, that's good.

Because Newman and I, we think--

Newman, he did this too? Well, yeah.

Newman, he did this too? Well, yeah.

I deal with him.

[♪]

GEORGE: Hey, look at this.

This is the same massage chair we're getting for Joe Mayo,

$60 cheaper.

Except the store's in Delaware.

I'll have 'em overnight it.

Maybe cheapness is a sense.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, it is better without this big wallet.

It's more comfortable.

It doesn't matter if it is,

it's wrong. Why?

Because important things go in a case.

You got a skull for your brain,

You got a skull for your brain,

a plastic sleeve for your comb,

and a wallet for your money.

Look at this thing.

That's-- That's huge.

You got more cow here than here.

I need everything in there.

Irish money?

I might go there.

"Show this card

"at any participating Orlando-area Exxon station

"at any participating Orlando-area Exxon station

to get your free Save The Tiger poster."

All right, just give me that.

And give me some of those Sweet'N Lows.

[♪]

[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Ooh, yeah.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who is it? It's Newman.

What do you want? I'm in the middle of something.

I can't believe I'm being evicted.

What? What are you talking about?

The reverse peepholes.

Silvio says I'm an agitator

and I'm out of the building.

No, he can't do that. I'm homeless.

I'm gonna be out on the street corner dancing for nickels.

I'll be with the hobos in the train yard

eating out of a bucket. We'll go and talk to him

and straighten this whole thing out.

Uh, you, uh--

You better put something on.

[STAMMERING]

[♪]

JERRY: George, I am loving this no-wallet thing.

A man carries a wallet.

You know, the very fact that you oppose this

makes me think I'm onto something.

Hey, Jerry.

Hey, Joe Mayo. Nice place.

Thanks. George, can you do me a favor and stay by the phone

in case anybody calls and needs directions?

Love to. Thanks.

Jerry-- Music?

Actually, can you keep an eye on the aquarium

Actually, can you keep an eye on the aquarium

and make sure nobody taps on the glass?

But I could do that and the music.

Oh, no, don't worry about the music, just have fun.

I was ready to get jiggy with it.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, Elaine. Hey.

I think you know Dr. Zaius.

So, Elaine, notice anything different about my pants?

So, George,

did you get the chair?

No, I-I don't have it yet.

So we're giving him nothing?

No, I brought a picture of the chair.

Did you at least get him a card?

I thought we'd all sign the picture.

Elaine.

Hey, Joe Mayo.

I need you to be in charge of coats.

Oh, fantastic. All right.

[QUIETLY] There you go.

And, Puddy, can you make sure

nobody puts a drink on my sound system?

Sure thing, Joe Mayo.

Hi. I'm Jerry.

Hi. I'm Jerry.

How do you like my pants?

Nice.

It's working. [TAPPING]

Don't tap on the glass.

[PHONE RINGS]

Joe Mayo's apartment.

Hey!

Cocktail off the speaker.

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

Goodbye, Dr. Zaius.

[♪]

Why are we in Jerry's apartment?

Well, I, uh-- I like to think of this as my conference room.

Yeah, it has a more formal atmosphere,

you know, with the shelves and the--

The furniture.

Make it quick, Kramer.

My wife and I are about to go bowling.

Oh. Well, um,

Newman thinks that, uh, you evicted him?

I did.

I did.

I don't like Mr. Newman.

He is an agitator. Look,

I've known Newman all my life, in the building,

and you're all wrong about him.

He's a model tenant.

Portly, yes, but smart as a whip.

Okay, on your word, he can stay.

All right.

But I'm gonna keep my eye on him.

Well, you won't regret it.

What's wrong?

[SIZZLES]

[♪]

JOE: Elaine, thanks for coming.

Good working with you.

All right, let's hit the bricks.

What?

Hey, I got a coat just like this.

Oh. Ooh...

[♪]

ELAINE: So Joe Mayo had the same coat.

And you threw it out the window? Mm-hm.

And you threw it out the window? Mm-hm.

God, you're like a rock star.

So now Joe Mayo wants me to buy him a new coat.

Because you threw it out?

No, because I was in charge of the coats.

It's insane.

But you did actually throw his coat out the window.

But he doesn't know that.

As far as he knows, someone stole it.

And that's the person who should be held responsible.

But that's you.

So I guess I'll have to buy him a new coat,

So I guess I'll have to buy him a new coat,

even though I don't think I should be held responsible,

which I am anyway.

Well, I'm satisfied.

[GROANS]

My back is killing me.

Of course,

because of that wallet.

You-- You got a filing cabinet under half of your ass.

This is an organizer,

This is an organizer,

a secretary,

and a friend.

ELAINE: Look at you,

you're on a slant.

Here, just give me a couple of napkins.

There. There, I'm fine.

[CRUNCH]

What was that?

I think I had some hard candy in there.

[♪]

GEORGE: No, no, this is supposed to go to Joe Mayo's apartment.

[GRUNTS]

How does this thing work?

[CHAIR WHIRRING]

Ah.

So do you want me to deliver this chair

to your friend's place or not?

Ahhh.

[♪]

Ready to go?

All set. I can't believe we're going dancing.

You don't go that often?

No, because it's so stupid.

Shall we?

Do me a favor. Can you hold this stuff for me?

Compact, lipstick, all this?

And can you also carry my keys?

What are you, a medieval dungeon master?

And a tin of Altoids.

Man.

[KEYS JANGLING]

Ow. Sharp key.

So you're sleeping with Silvio's wife?

Well, there's very little sleeping going on.

Why didn't you tell me about this?

Uh, frankly, I don't see how it's any of your business.

Well, it's my business now.

Look, I stuck up for you.

Man, if he catches you, we're both out.

Man, if he catches you, we're both out.

Hey, what is that up that tree?

[EXHALES]

Man, that looks like a dead bear.

No, that's a fur coat.

Hey, uh, give me a boost.

[GRUNTING]

Where did you learn to climb trees like that?

The Pacific Northwest.

[♪]

[♪]

So you had to carry some of Keri's stuff, big deal.

You don't understand. I went on a successful pocket diet,

and I want to keep that weight off.

You know what? We sell this thing at Peterman

that would be perfect for you.

Not more of that crap from the Titanic?

No, no.

It's a small men's carryall.

I'm not carrying a purse.

It's not a purse. It's European.

Oh. Hey,

did George buy Joe Mayo that chair yet?

did George buy Joe Mayo that chair yet?

I don't know.

If I'm getting him a new fur,

I'm not chipping in on a gift too. [RINGING]

GEORGE [GRUNTING]: Yeah?

Hey, George, did you get Joe Mayo that chair yet?

Not yet. Oh.

Ho-ho! God!

What?

It's in...

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] transit.

Did he get it? No.

Mm, good. Tell him I'm out.

What, she's out?

Well, so what? You're getting a deal.

We'll split it three ways.

All right!

What is that noise?

That's my toaster.

I gotta go.

[GEORGE GRUNTING]

You know, sometimes I get the feeling

George isn't being completely honest with me.

Hey.

Oh, uh, yeah.

Yeah.

Here are your pliers back. Oh, thanks.

Weak hinge.

Weak hinge.

Well, I guess I'd better go and price fur coats.

Oh, go down to 88th street. They're free.

What are you talking about?

Well, they're hanging from the trees.

You know, Newman found one there yesterday.

Man, that guy can climb like a ring-tailed lemur.

88th street?

That's where Joe Mayo lives.

That's the coat! [CRUNCH]

What was that pop sound?

Well, I had some hard candy in there!

[♪]

[♪]

NEWMAN: So to what do I owe this unusual invitation?

Come in, come in.

Ah.

This is very much as I imagined it to be...

aside from this rattan piece, which seems oddly out of place.

Okay. Please, sit down.

Newman, um,

I wanted to talk to you about something.

This isn't about my opening your mail?

What? I don't. Never have.

Anything I read was already open.

Uh, no, no, Newman,

Uh, no, no, Newman,

ahem, I heard that you found

a fur coat in a tree?

And I believe that it belongs to a friend of mine,

and I'd like to give it back to him.

Sorry. Climber's keepers.

[SIGHS]

You know, Newmie--

[CLEARS THROAT]

--I know how you feel about me,

and I have to tell you I'm quite flattered. Heh-heh.

You are?

You are?

Oh, yeah. I mean, of all the men that I know,

you're the only one who's held down a steady job

for several years.

Well, it's--

It's interesting work. I don't mind it.

[CHUCKLES]

Don't you have a boyfriend,

a-a burly, athletic type?

Oh, him? Oh, don't worry. He's cool.

Cool? Very cool.

So, what do you say?

Can you do me this one little favor,

Newmie?

Oh, how I've waited for this moment.

Oh, how I've waited for this moment.

But, alas, my heart belongs to another man's wife,

and I have given the coat to her.

All right, we're done here.

For I am in love with Svetlana,

and I don't care if the whole world knows,

except for Silvio, who would throw me out of the apartment,

where I would be dancing on-- Thank you.

Thank you, thank you very much.

[♪]

Nice carryall.

It's European.

Do you still have my lipstick?

Uh, yeah, I think I do.

I can never find anything in here.

Oh, here it is.

Thanks.

So that Joe Mayo throws the worst parties, doesn't he?

What was your job?

My job was to keep you away from the music.

What? He doesn't like my taste in music?

Guess not.

You should have been there last year.

I got jiggy with it.

[♪]

Kramer, it's Silvio!

Open up, I need to talk to you!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I can see you through the reverse peephole!

I can see you through the reverse peephole!

Stupid thing.

[CHUCKLING] Hey, Silvio.

Look at this. Huh?

Svetlana says she find it in the laundry room,

but I think it is a gift from that postman agitator.

Where is he?! Now, relax, Silvio.

No, that's it. You're both out of the building!

Oh, come on! Newman didn't even give her that.

No, it's-- That's not even a woman's coat.

That's a-- That's a man's.

A man's? Yeah.

What kind of a man would wear fur?

What kind of a man would wear fur?

Oh, lots of them. Yeah.

Would you?

No.

Then who?

What about Jerry?

Jerry?

Yeah, sure. He's a celebrity.

Oh, yeah, they wear a lot of furs.

They're desperate, insecure people.

Yes, you are right.

It's all about: "Me, me, me.

"Please, look at me. I am so pretty.

Love me! Want me!"

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, something like that.

[♪]

JERRY: I have to do what?

All you have to do is wear the fur

so Silvio thinks it's yours.

I'm not wearing the fur.

Well, then Newman and I, we get thrown out of the building.

Is that right?

All right, why don't you just take a good hard look

at what your life will be like if I'm not around.

Newman too?

Oh, come on, man!

Well, I'll tell you what, if you do this,

I'll give you that Walkman you're always asking about.

I'll give you that Walkman you're always asking about.

That's my Walkman.

And you'll get it back.

All right.

All right, good. Thanks. I owe you one.

Hey. Hey.

Oh, hey, and by the way,

that Walkman was broke when you gave it to me.

George, did you get that chair yet?

It gets here when it gets here. Stop riding me.

You know what? Just call up and cancel it. I'm out.

Excuse me?

Joe Mayo doesn't like my taste in music,

he's not getting a gift from me.

I can't believe you're dropping out too.

So now Kramer and I have to pay for the entire gift?

So now Kramer and I have to pay for the entire gift?

Whoa, whoa. Now, who's this Joe Mayo

everyone's talking about?

He's the guy we're buying the chair for, remember?

It was your suggestion.

I think the chair is a fantastic gift idea,

but I never heard of this Joe Mayo.

And frankly, it sounds made-up.

Oh, so now I have to buy the whole chair by myself?!

No, you don't have to buy anything.

I already bought it!

I've been lying to you for three days,

and now you're all screwing me!

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

Why didn't you tell us you had it?

I needed it. My back is a little tweaked.

Because of your giant wallet. Just get rid of it.

Never. It is a part of me.

I will just return the chair, and it will be easy,

because the receipt is in my good friend.

Your good friend is morbidly obese.

Well, at least I'm not carrying a purse.

It's not a purse!

It's European!

It's European!

All right, Silvio's down there.

He's shoveling the walk.

Now, all you got to do is put this on,

you go down to the corner, you pick up a paper,

and you come right back.

All right. There you go.

How do I look?

Odd.

[♪]

"Learn guitar,

first lesson free."

Heh.

Well...

[GRUNTS]

My receipts!

The chair!

My tiger poster!

Hey, Silvio.

Just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat.

That is your coat?

It sure is.

Kramer says you need it

because you're an entertainer

and you're desperate for attention.

That's true.

Jerry, you forgot your purse.

Jerry, you forgot your purse.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, Silvio, look at Jerry here,

prancing around in his coat with his purse.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Yep, he's a dandy.

He's a real fancy boy.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Maybe this isn't my coat.

All right, you're not fancy!

No, he's very fancy!

"Want me! Love me! Shower me with kisses!"

Mwah! Mwah, mwah, mwah!

[LAUGHS]

Jerry,

Jerry,

where'd you get it? That's his coat.

No, it's not. It's mine.

I'm a fancy boy.

That's not your coat.

If that is not his coat, whose coat is it?

It's Joe Mayo's coat.

Who's Joe Mayo?

Uh, he must be the man that's sleeping with your wife.

Hey! [GASPS]

Hey! Hey!

Officer!

KRAMER: There he goes!

Someone took my European carryall!

Your what? It's a black leather thing

with a strap.

with a strap.

You mean, a purse?

Yes, a purse!

I carry a purse!

[♪]

So Silvio ambushed Joe Mayo?

Yeah, he was waiting inside his apartment for him

with a sock full of pennies.

He should have had a reverse peephole.

Hey, babe.

JERRY: Hello? Hello?

What is that?

It's my new coat.

You ditched the fur?

Yeah, I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy.

Check it out.

Eight ball.

Eight ball.

You got a question,

you ask the eight ball.

You're gonna wear this all the time?

All signs point to yes!

[♪]

♪ I'm on a Mexican radio ♪