Original subtitles

[♪]

So Whatley's still Jewish, huh?

Oh, sure. Without the parents, it's a breeze.

[GIGGLES]

Hey. Happy Hanukkah.

Hey, Tim. Great party.

Yeah. Huh?

Uh. Ah...

Hey, George, thanks again

for getting me those Yankee tickets.

Oh, yeah, still in good with the ground crew. Heh.

That's good. Look, I'd better circulate.

Happy Hanukkah, Tiffany.

This place is like Studio 54 with a menorah.

I'm gonna get some more of these kosher cocktail franks.

I'm gonna get some more of these kosher cocktail franks.

Ooh, I got Denim Vest checking me out.

[CHUCKLES]

Fake phone number's coming out tonight.

Oh, you have a standard fake?

Mm-hm.

It spells out,

"No Elaine."

Isn't that eight letters?

The extra E is for:

"Ecchh."

That's neat.

Hm, Jerry, no, please.

Denim Vest.

He's smoothing it.

Jerry. God!

Hi.

Hi, I'm Jerry. Hi.

Hi, I'm Jerry. Hi.

You might not know it to look at me,

but I can run really, really fast.

Nice vest. Oh.

I like the...

big metal buttons.

They're snaps.

Listen, maybe we should, uh...

go out sometime.

Why don't I give you my phone number?

[♪]

GEORGE: How'd it go with that girl?

Great. I'm going out with her tomorrow night.

How'd it go with the cocktail franks?

Great! I ate the entire platter.

Had to call in sick today.

Didn't you call in sick yesterday?

Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing.

"We don't care, and it shows."

You're gonna open your mail here?

Hey, at least I'm bringing something to this.

"Have you seen me?" Nope.

Ooh. Something from Whatley.

See? You give, and you get.

This is what I'm trying to teach you.

"This holiday season, a donation has been made in your name

"This holiday season, a donation has been made in your name

to the Children's Alliance"? Oh, that's nice.

I got him Yankee tickets, he got me a piece of paper saying,

"I've given your gift to someone else."

To a children's charity.

Don't you see how wrong that is?

Where's your Christmas spirit?

An eye for an eye!

Do me a favor, don't give me anything this year.

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, nothing for me.

I'm going to Atomic Sub later.

Atomic Sub? Why are you eating there?

I got a card, and they stamp it every time I buy a sub.

Twenty-four stamps,

Twenty-four stamps,

and I become a submarine captain.

What does that mean?

Free sub.

[GROANS]

What? Nothing.

It's a card from my dad.

What is it?

Elaine!

"Dear son, Happy Festivus."

What is Festivus? It's nothing.

When George was growing up, Jerry, no!

his father hated No!

all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas,

so he made up his own holiday.

Oh. And another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

Oh. And another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

All right.

And instead of a tree,

didn't your father put up an aluminum pole?

Jerry, stop it! Weren't there feats

of strength that always ended up with you crying?

I can't take it anymore. I'm going to work!

You happy now?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

KRAMER: Hey, neighbor.

Are you reading my VCR manual?

Well, we can't all be reading the classics,

Professor Highbrow.

Oh, I can't believe it!

I've lost my Atomic Sub card.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it

when I gave it to Denim Vest. So?

I've eaten 23 bad subs. I just need one more.

It's like a long, bad movie,

but you want to see the end of it.

No. You walk out. All right.

Then it's like a boring book,

but you gotta finish it.

No. You wait for the movie.

I want that free sub.

You don't need the card.

High-end hoagie outfit like that,

it's all computerized.

Technology. They're cloning sheep now.

Technology. They're cloning sheep now.

KRAMER: No, no, no. They're not cloning sheep.

It's the same sheep.

I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick

with two goats and a handkerchief

on the old Dean Martin Show.

Oh, I gotta get ahold of Denim Vest.

So why don't you try your blowoff number

and see if he's called it?

That's a good idea.

[PHONE RINGS]

Yeah, go.

What?

Really?

Yeah, okay. Yeah. Bye.

Yeah, okay. Yeah. Bye.

Great news. Yeah. The strike's been settled.

I'm going back to work.

What strike?

Yeah, H & H Bagels.

That's where I worked.

You? Worked?

Bagels?

Yeah, look, see? I still have my business card.

Yeah, we've been on strike for 12 years, huh?

Oh, I remember seeing those guys picketing out there.

But I haven't seen them in a long time.

Yeah, well, H & H wouldn't let us use their bathroom

while we were picketing.

Kind of put a cramp on our solidarity.

What were your demands?

What were your demands?

Yeah, 5.35 an hour, and that's what they're paying now.

I believe that's the new minimum wage.

And now you know who to thank for that.

All right, I gotta go.

Why didn't you ever mention this?

[SIGHS]

Well, Jerry, I didn't want you to know

I was out of work.

It's embarrassing.

[♪]

KRAMER: All right, everybody!

I'm back!

Who are you?

Cosmo Kramer. Strike's over.

Oh, yeah. Kramer.

Oh, yeah. Kramer.

Uh, what? Didn't any of the other guys come back?

No. I'm sure they all got other jobs, like, 10 years ago.

Oh, man.

Well, it kind of makes you wonder what it was all for.

I could use someone for the holidays.

All right. Toss me an apron! Let's bagel!

What are those?

Those are raisin bagels.

I never thought I'd live to see that.

[♪]

ELAINE: So, anyway, I've been giving out

ELAINE: So, anyway, I've been giving out

your phone number as my standard fake.

So you're Elaine Benes.

We've been getting calls for you for five years.

So, listen, when this guy calls,

if you could just give him my real number.

Hey, Charlie, guess who's here.

Elaine Benes.

Elaine Benes!

ALL: Elaine Benes?

MAN 1: You make a lot of man friends.

You know who's a man?

Charlie here. He's a man.

You know who else? Me.

You know who else? Me.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

Oh, my.

I'll have this Vest guy call your real number.

You just, uh, give it to me,

and that way, I'll have it.

My number? Uh...

Okay, uh...

There you go.

And, uh--

Tell you what, put a sawbuck

on Captain Nemo in the third at Belmont.

on Captain Nemo in the third at Belmont.

TIM: Hey, Jerry.

Hey, Tim. What's up?

Actually, I'm having dinner with a girl I met at your party.

Mazel tov.

Jerry.

Hi.

Gwen?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Come on. Our table's ready.

Tsk.

[♪]

GEORGE: So attractive one day,

not attractive the next?

not attractive the next?

Have you come across this?

Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome.

She's a two-face.

Like the Batman villain?

If that helps you.

So if I ask her out again,

I don't know who's showing up:

the good, the bad, or the ugly.

Clint Eastwood!

Yeah.

Hey, check this out.

I got to give Christmas presents to everyone down at Kruger,

so I'm pulling a Whatley.

"A donation has been made in your name

to the Human Fund."

What is that?

Made it up.

"The Human Fund.

"The Human Fund.

Money for people."

What do you think?

It has a certain understated stupidity.

The Outlaw Josey Wales!

Yeah.

Ah.

Bagels on the house.

Hey! Ha-ha!

How was your first day?

Oh, fantastic. It felt so good

to get my hands back in that dough.

Your hands were in the dough?

No. I didn't make these bagels.

No, they're day-olds.

The homeless won't even touch 'em.

Oh, we try to fool 'em by putting a few fresh ones on top,

Oh, we try to fool 'em by putting a few fresh ones on top,

but they dig. They--

They test.

All right, uh--

Ah, I'm outta here.

Happy Festivus.

What's Festivus?

When George was growing up No!

his father-- Stop it!

It's nothing!

It's a stupid holiday my father invented.

I-it doesn't exist!

Happy Festivus, Georgie.

God!

Frank invented a holiday?

He's so prolific.

Kramer, listen, I got a little phone relay going,

so if a guy calls H & H

so if a guy calls H & H

and he's looking for me, you take a message.

You're still trying to get that free sub?

Hey, I have spent a lot of time,

and I have eaten a lot of crap

to get to where I am today,

and I am not throwing it all away now.

Is there a captain's hat involved in this?

Maybe.

[♪]

FRANK: Kramer, I got your message.

I haven't celebrated Festivus in years.

What is your interest?

Well, just tell me everything, huh?

Many Christmases ago,

Many Christmases ago,

I went to buy a doll for my son.

I reach for the last one they had,

but so did another man.

As I rained blows upon him,

I realized there had to be another way.

What happened to the doll?

It was destroyed.

But out of that,

a new holiday was born,

a Festivus for the rest of us!

That must have been some kind of doll.

She was.

[♪]

[♪]

GEORGE: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas!

Oh, Sandy.

Here is a little something for you.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh.

Thanks.

Phil, I loved those cigars.

Incoming. PHIL: Ow.

Aw, Mr. Kruger, sir, Merry Christmas.

Not if you could see our books.

What is this?

The Human Fund.

Whatever. Exactly.

Erica!

And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around

And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around

and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you

over the past year.

And is there a tree?

No. Instead, there's a pole.

Requires no decoration.

I find tinsel distracting.

Frank, this new holiday of yours

is scratching me right where I itch.

Let's do it, then. All right.

Festivus is back!

I'll get the pole out of the crawl space.

All right.

Hello, Frank. Hello, woman.

Kramer, Kramer, any word from the Vest?

Uh, no, no. Oh.

Uh, listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off.

Uh, listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off.

Hey, I hired you to work during the holidays.

This is the holidays.

But it's Festivus.

What? You know you're infringing

on my right to celebrate new holidays.

That's not a right.

Well, it's going to be

'cause I'm going back on strike.

Come on, Elaine.

Yeah, it's a walkout!

No, I gotta stay here and wait for the call.

You're siding with management?

No, I'm just--

Scab! Scab!

Scab!

Hey.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

You were expecting someone else?

You were expecting someone else?

You never know.

You know, you might want

to take the tunnel.

So, uh, what do you feel like eating, Chinese or Italian?

[GASPS]

I could go either way.

You're telling me.

[♪]

So she was switching back and forth?

The whole time.

She was like a 3-D baseball card

that changes, depending on the angle.

So one minute she's pretty and at the plate,

and the next, she's ugly and advancing the runners.

So, what happened next?

Well, we stopped by here, and--

Actually, the only place she always looked good

was in that back booth over there.

Well, so? Just bring her here.

This is all you really need.

I can't just keep bringing her to the coffee shop.

I mean, what if things, you know, progress?

I mean, what if things, you know, progress?

Lights out.

All right, I'll give it a shot.

I do really like this coffee shop.

Nice cuff links, by the way.

Office Christmas gift.

I tell you, this Human Fund is a gold mine.

That's not a French cuff shirt, you know?

I know. I cut the button off

and poked a hole with a letter opener.

Oh, that's classy.

[POLE SCRAPING FLOOR]

Well, happy Festivus.

What is that? Is that the pole?

George, Festivus is your heritage.

George, Festivus is your heritage.

It is part of who you are.

That's why I hate it.

It's a big dinner Tuesday night at Frank's house.

Everyone's invited.

George,

you're forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all.

I brought one of the cassette tapes.

FRANK [ON TAPE]: Read that poem.

GEORGE: I can't read it. I need my glasses.

You don't need glasses!

You're just weak! You're weak!

ESTELLE: Leave him alone!

All right, George.

All right, George.

It's time for the Festivus feats of strength.

No! No! Turn it off!

No feats of strength!

I hate Festivus! Come on.

We had some good times.

Hey.

Hi...there. This is, uh, Kramer and Frank.

Hi.

[STAMMERING] Hello.

So you ready to go?

Uh, why don't we stay here?

The, uh, back booth just opened up.

Now, this is a good-looking both.

[♪]

Protect Festivus.

Hey. No bagels. No bagels. No bagels.

Hey! No bagels. No bagels. No bagels...

MAN: Lady, if you want a sandwich,

I'll make you a sandwich.

I want the one that I earned.

[RINGS]

I'll get it. I'll get it.

H & H and Elaine.

Elaine, you should get out of there.

I sabotaged the bagel machine last night. It's going down.

What did you do?

You've been warned.

You've been warned.

Oh, hi.

Hey, the steam valve broke.

Can we still make bagels?

Sure. It's just a little steamy.

How do you like your bagels now?

George, I got something for you.

I'm supposed to, uh, find a charity

and throw some of the company's money at it.

They all seem the same to me,

so, what's the difference, hm?

so, what's the difference, hm?

Twenty thousand dollars?

Made out to the Human Fund.

Gee.

Oh, damn.

I've locked myself out of my office again.

All right. I'm going home.

[♪]

GWEN: Jerry,

how many times do we have to come to this...place?

Why? It's our place.

I just round a rubber band in my soup.

Oh, I know who's cookin' today.

Oh, I know who's cookin' today.

Hey, hey! Surprise, surprise.

Hey, Georgie.

I think I'm just gonna go.

I'll be here.

GEORGE: Hey, soup. She didn't touch it.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

Paco.

Whoo.

Hey, look, take a look at this.

Twenty thousand dollars from Kruger?

You're not keeping this?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Excuse me?

I've been doing a lot of thinking,

and this might be my chance to start giving something back.

You want to give something back, start with the $20,000.

I'm serious.

You're gonna start your own charity?

I think I could be a philanthropist,

a kick-ass philanthropist.

I would have all this money, and people would love me.

Then they would come to me and beg,

and if I felt like it, I would help them out,

and then they would owe me big time!

The first thing I'm gonna need is a driver.

The first thing I'm gonna need is a driver.

No bagels, no bagels, no bagels, no bagels. Yow!

Kramer, the Vest just called.

Yamahama, it's fright night.

Oh, yeah, I got a little steam bath,

but, listen, in 10 minutes,

I'm gonna have my hands on that Atomic Sub card.

And?

Free sub.

I'll see you. Yeah.

Oh.

Kramer, hi.

Oh, hello.

It's Gwen. We met at the coffee shop.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

I'm dating your friend Jerry.

I don't know who you really are,

but I've seen Jerry's girlfriend,

and she's not you.

You're much better-looking

and like a foot taller.

That's why we're always hiding in that coffee shop.

He's afraid of getting caught.

Oh, he's a tomcat.

Steve.

Hmm?

It's Elaine.

From Tim Whatley's party?

Yeah. You look--

Different.

Huh. I see you're still sticking with the denim.

Huh. I see you're still sticking with the denim.

So do you have that card that I gave you?

Well, I had it back at my place,

but I can't go there now.

I'll give it to you later or something.

No, no, no, no. You give me your number.

Okay.

Sure.

Do you have the mumps?

No. Typhoid?

No.

Yamahama!

A fake number.

A fake number.

Blimey!

[♪]

KRUGER: George, we've got a problem.

There's a memo here from Accounting

telling me there's no such thing as the Human Fund.

Well, there could be.

But there isn't.

Well, I-I could, uh--

I could give the money back. Here.

George, I don't get it.

If there's no Human Fund,

those donation cards were fake.

those donation cards were fake.

You better have a damn good reason

why you gave me a fake Christmas gift.

Well, sir, I--

I gave out the fake card because, um--

I don't really celebrate Christmas. I, uh--

I celebrate Festivus.

Feminist? Festivus, sir.

And, uh, I was afraid that I would be persecuted

for my beliefs.

They drove my family out of Bayside, sir!

They drove my family out of Bayside, sir!

Are you making all this up too?

Oh, no, sir.

Festivus is all too real

and...I could prove it, if I have to.

Yeah, you probably should.

[♪]

GEORGE: Happy Festivus!

FRANK: George, this is a surprise.

Who's the suit?

Oh, Dad, this is my boss, Mr. Kruger.

Have you seen the pole, Kruger?

No, he doesn't need to see the pole.

He's gonna see it.

Happy Festivus.

Happy Festivus.

Yamahama.

I didn't have time to go home.

What are you doing here?

Embracing my roots.

They nailed you on the 20 G's?

Busted cold.

It's made from aluminum.

Very high strength-to-weight ratio.

I find your belief system fascinating.

[LAUGHING]

Hey! Happy Festivus, everyone!

[GIGGLES]

Hello again, Miss Benes.

What are you doing here?

Damnedest thing, uh, me and Charlie were calling

to ask you out, and, uh, we got this bagel place.

to ask you out, and, uh, we got this bagel place.

I told them I was just about to see you.

It's a Festivus miracle!

Dinner's ready.

Let's begin.

KRUGER: Oh.

Dr. Van Nostrand.

Huh? Oh, uh, that's right.

FRANK: Welcome, newcomers.

The tradition of Festivus begins

with the airing of grievances.

I got a lot of problems with you people!

I got a lot of problems with you people!

And now,

you're gonna hear about it.

You, Kruger,

my son tells me your company stinks!

Oh, God.

Quiet. You'll get yours in a minute.

Kruger,

you couldn't smooth a silk sheet

if you had a hot date with a babe--

I lost my train of thought.

[DOOR OPENS]

Jerry.

Gwen, how did you know I was here?

Gwen, how did you know I was here?

Kramer told me.

Another Festivus miracle!

I guess this is the ugly girl I've been hearing about.

Hey, I was in a shvitz for six hours.

Give me a break.

[GWEN GRUNTS]

Gwen! Gwen, wait!

[JERRY YELPS]

Bad lighting on the porch.

Hey, how did my horse do?

He had to be shot.

[MOUTHS] Yeah.

And now as Festivus rolls on,

we come to the feats of strength.

Not the feats of strength.

This year, the honor goes to Mr. Kramer.

Uh-oh.

Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go.

I have to work a double shift at H & H.

I thought you were on strike.

Yeah, well, I caved.

I mean, I really had to use their bathroom.

Frank, no offense, but this holiday's a little--

[TOOTING]

--out there.

Kramer, you-- You can't go!

Who's gonna do the feats of strength?

How 'bout George?

[DOOR OPENS]

Good thinking, Kruger.

Until you pin me, George,

Festivus is not over.

Oh, please. Somebody stop this.

Let's rumble!

ESTELLE: I think you can take him, Georgie.

GEORGE: Hey, come on! Be sensible.

FRANK: Stop crying, and fight your father!

GEORGE: Ow, ow! I give, I give!

This is the best Festivus ever!

Uncle! Uncle!

[♪]

All right, that's enough. You're fired.

All right, that's enough. You're fired.

Thank you.

[♪]