Original subtitles

[♪]

Any second now.

The light is on!

Melissa, waffles are ready.

MELISSA: Oh, fantastic. I'm starving.

How about that?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[♪]

[♪]

She ate breakfast naked?

She didn't even want a napkin.

I've had bedroom naked.

I've had walk-to-the-bathroom naked.

I have never had living-room naked.

Oh, it's a scene.

It's like you're living in the Playboy Mansion!

Did she, uh--? Did she frolic?

I don't really have enough room.

Yeah.

Hey, Laney, Puddy.

Hey. Hi. Hi.

I gotta make a pit stop.

I gotta make a pit stop.

Okay.

Back together?

His apartment was being fumigated,

so we thought we'd give it another shot.

Oh.

So guess who called me last night.

Jason Hanke.

Stanky Hanke? Heh. What did he want?

He called to apologize

for standing me up five years ago.

Why now?

AA. It's one of the 12 steps.

Oh.

Step number nine is: You have to apologize

to everyone you've ever wronged.

[GEORGE CHORTLES]

I can't wait for Hanke to come crawling back to me.

I can't wait for Hanke to come crawling back to me.

Still with the neck hole?

Still upset. Very upset.

What neck hole?

Remember that New Year's party

he threw a few years ago?

He had that very drafty apartment,

you know, I think on 9th Avenue.

Faster.

I asked if I could borrow a sweater.

A cashmere sweater.

I said preferably cashmere, for warmth.

So in front of the whole party, he says,

"No. I don't want you stretching out the neck hole."

[LAUGHING]

Oh, yeah, sure, laugh it up.

Everybody else did.

Well, it's funny.

Well, it's funny.

I mean, you have a big head.

[ELAINE LAUGHING]

Or is it 'cause of your neck?

No. I think the head does most of the stretching.

Regardless...

I had to walk around for the rest of the party

in some cheap MetLife windbreaker.

Now it is payback time.

I really think it's the size of your neck.

It's my head!

[LAUGHING]

[♪]

Hey. Isn't this great?

Since those nerds in Accounting moved,

you and I are the only ones who use this bathroom.

you and I are the only ones who use this bathroom.

Yeah. Great.

[♪]

KRAMER: You went to the coffee shop without me?

I told you, I just wanted to hop in the shower.

That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there?

Showering.

How long does it take you?

Ten minutes.

Ten minutes?

That's kooky talk.

Hey, Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower?

Ten minutes.

Ten minutes.

Let me smell you, huh?

All right. Whiff away.

[SNIFFING]

Hey. That's not bad at all.

Hup. Wh-wha--

That's it. Okay.

So get this:

I'm in the bathroom at work today,

and I see Peggy using a seat protector.

So? So?

We're the only women on the floor.

I mean, we're like roommates.

Would you use a seat protector if you had a roommate?

[SODA FIZZES]

Oh, gee--

I think the damage is probably already done.

I think the damage is probably already done.

All right. I'll get that.

Well, maybe she just practices good hygiene.

Yeah, you're right. She's probably one of those

neurotic clean freaks.

Mm.

Well, here's my shower routine.

Maybe I can make some changes.

Wash cloth mittens and maybe some liquid soap

and just-- Pow! --focus.

[♪]

JERRY: "Zephyr"?

That is not a word.

Do you challenge?

No, I do not challenge.

Sixty-six points. Ha-ha.

Sixty-six points. Ha-ha.

I'd accuse you of cheating,

but I don't know where you'd hide the tiles.

You want some ice tea?

Sure.

[COUGHS]

Wrong pipe.

[COUGHS & GASPING]

[♪]

GEORGE: So she coughed.

Coughing...naked?

It's a turn-off, man.

Everything goes with naked.

When you cough,

When you cough,

there are thousands of unseen muscles

that suddenly spring into action.

It's like watching that fat guy

catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.

Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man.

Do you know how much mental energy I expend

just trying to picture women naked?

But the thing you don't realize

is that there's good naked and bad naked.

Naked hairbrushing, good.

Naked crouching, bad.

Hey, there's Hanke.

Hey, there's Hanke.

All right. It's grovel time.

Hey, George. Jerry.

Listen, I just got sober,

so I've been going through the 12 steps.

Uh-huh.

What are you up to now, uh, step nine?

Yeah.

Making amends.

Important step.

Maybe the most important.

Anyway, uh...

Jerry, you know, this may sound dumb,

but, you know, when we first met,

I thought your name was Gary.

And I think I may even have called you Gary

a couple of times.

And I don't know if you noticed,

but I always felt bad about it, so I'm sorry.

Thank you. I did notice...

and I appreciate you rectifying it.

Great. Great.

Well, I'll see you guys later.

[♪]

Well, I just got out of a 27-minute shower.

Made some good cuts,

and I didn't lose anything I needed.

Yeah, I think what I kept is even stronger now.

You got some suds over here.

You got some suds over here.

Wha--?

Oh, man!

Jeez!

Look at that. I'm all lathery.

Jerry, you gotta show me what I'm doing wrong.

Oh, come on.

No. I mean it, man. I'm lost.

You promise you'll never come in here again?

[LAUGHING] Oh, Jerry, you know I can't do that.

Now, my sense of it is

you're probably wasting time working piecemeal,

first cleaning one area, then another.

Well, that's how cats do it.

But when you have a faucet instead of a tongue,

But when you have a faucet instead of a tongue,

you wanna use gravity.

Okay. Let's turn the water on now.

No. I told you, it's just a dry run.

Hey.

Well, Hanke's moved on to step 10.

He was spotted taking personal inventory.

That's step 10?

All he has to do now is count his blessings,

say a prayer, and he's done.

You believe this?

Come on, Jerry. How about a--? A baggy swimsuit?

No. You're not getting any skin, Kramer.

Well, this has all been one big tease!

[♪]

ELAINE: These proofs look

pretty good.

Oh. Can I move this?

Yep, I think this will work.

I'm gonna...get another bottle of water.

Here, take mine. There's a little left.

Oh, thanks, Walter.

Ahh!

[♪]

Guys, there's no doubt that the pay is good,

but I just don't know if I see myself

working with ice cream.

You get pretty buff forearms.

I don't know if I'm into that.

Oh, hello, Hanke, others.

George.

You know, Jason, I, uh...

I couldn't help notice I...

I didn't get my apology.

Apology? For what?

A drafty apartment? A sweaterless friend?

A ball-game giveaway MetLife windbreaker?

George, come on, not that neck-hole thing.

George, come on, not that neck-hole thing.

Yeah, the neck-hole thing,

and I would appreciate it if you would say sorry.

No way. You would have completely stretched it out.

You're an alcoholic!

You have to apologize!

Step nine! Step nine.

All right, George, all right. I'm sorry.

I'm very, very sorry.

I'm so sorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head

struggling to find its way

through the normal-sized neck hole

of my finely knit sweater.

[OTHERS SNICKERING]

[♪]

Oh, see, that's smart.

Constant motion.

MAN: Hey! Oh, yeah, yeah.

I-- I'm watching you too,

but this guy's really showing me something.

[♪]

You got a steak?

What happened to you?

People in this city are crazy.

Here you go.

Thanks, buddy.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

You got any A1? 'Cause I'm cooking a steak.

What?

A different one.

Oh! Jerry--!

MELISSA: Okay, Jerry. Fixed that bike.

Oh. That wasn't really necessary.

I don't ride it. It's just for show.

I should really clean those bearings. Hold this.

Look at all that gunk.

Please don't crouch.

Ouch. Caught my skin.

Oh, that's bad, especially that area.

You got anything to snack on?

Uh... Oh, pickles!

[GRUNTING]

It's a tough one. Hngh!

Please stop. Let me help you with that.

[GRUNTING]

[JAR POPS] Ooh!

Oh.

That's gonna leave a welt.

Look at that.

I can't.

I can't look anymore.

I-I've seen too much!

[♪]

ELAINE: Peggy, we've gotta talk.

What is it about me that you find so offensive?

[SIGHS]

You seem to be with a lot of men.

You seem to be with a lot of men.

What?

I happen to have a very steady boyfriend.

You know, I mean, we...

broke up a few times.

And there has been an occasional guy here...

or there, but I--

Wh--? Why is this your business?

It's not.

Good day.

Oh. All right.

You think I've got germs?

I'll give you some germs.

How about some for your keyboard, huh?

How about that? You like it?

Ooh. How about for your stapler?

Hm? That's good, isn't it?

Hm? That's good, isn't it?

You have a happy and a healthy.

[COUGHING]

[♪]

[♪]

JERRY: Well, technically, he did apologize.

Jerry, I felt like a straight man

in some horrible sketch.

He was riffing!

Riffing. On my pain!

So now you want an apology for the apology

plus the original apology?

That's right. I'm two in the hole.

Well, I hit the wall yesterday with Lady Godiva.

She did a full body flex on a pickle jar.

Did you explain to her

about the good naked and the bad naked?

Where am I gonna get a fat guy and a cannonball?

Where am I gonna get a fat guy and a cannonball?

Well...

what if you showed her bad naked, huh?

You still got that belt sander?

Yeah.

Well, you on all fours,

that thing vibratin', kickin' up sawdust.

Ho-ho! She'll get the picture.

[PHONE RINGS]

Yello?

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry, guess where I'm calling from.

[SHOWER RUNNING] World War I plane?

No, I'm in my shower.

You know, I'm trying to get out of the shower sooner,

You know, I'm trying to get out of the shower sooner,

and then I ask myself, "Why?"

I mean, this is where I wanna be.

So I got a waterproof phone,

I shaved, I brushed my teeth,

and I ordered a pair of chinos from J. Crew.

When are you getting out?

[LAUGHS] I'm not!

I'll see you later, buddy.

[♪]

PETERMAN: Bad news, people.

Peggy is home sick.

Oh, please.

She's stuffed up, achy,

and suffering from intense malaise.

Oh, come on.

We all have intense malaise.

[LAUGHS] Right?

[LAUGHS] Right?

I just spoke with her, Elaine.

She's in bed.

Yeah. Let me tell you something. This is all in her mind.

Okay? She is insane.

She thinks I made her sick

because I coughed on her doorknob,

rubbed her stapler in my armpit,

and put her keyboard on my butt.

Yeah. She's a wacko.

[♪]

GEORGE: So you're Jason Hanke's supervisor?

Sponsor.

Whatever. Listen,

I'm very concerned about this guy.

I'm very concerned about this guy.

He's doing very well. He's already onto step 10.

Yeah, well, when you don't actually do the steps,

you can go through them pretty quick.

You can get through six a day.

Is there some unresolved issue between you and Jason?

I don't know. A little something called step nine.

Instead of an apology,

he was beboppin' and scattin' all over me!

I'm not sure what you want me to do.

Well, aren't you the boss of him?

You shouldn't let him move up.

When I was in the Cub Scouts,

I got stuck on Webelos for three years

'cause I kept losing the Pinewood Derby.

'cause I kept losing the Pinewood Derby.

You're quite upset, George.

Well, I think you should drop him down to step two.

Admit there's a higher power?

Yeah, let him chew on that for a while.

You know, George, I think I can help you.

We're having a meeting tomorrow. Why don't you just come by?

All right. That's more like it.

Thank you very much.

By the way, uh...

my uncle was in Alcoholics.

[♪]

Lomez, you're not listening. Jerry likes the naked.

It's just some of the things that she does when she's naked.

It's just some of the things that she does when she's naked.

Will you calm down? I'm on your side.

Jeez! Hey, hold on a second.

I got a clog. I'll call you back.

[♪]

What are you doing?

I found a rough spot on the kitchen floor.

I thought I'd polish it up

with this belt sander I have here.

No, not that.

Why are you naked?

I thought naked is good.

This isn't good naked.

This isn't good naked.

[♪]

SPONSOR: George, here, have a seat.

Where's Hanke?

Shh.

Okay, let's get started.

Welcome to Rageaholics Anonymous.

What? Rageaholics?

George, this can help you.

Hey, I am not here for rage. I'm here for revenge!

MAN: Excuse me.

We have a "no yelling" policy at these meetings.

Excuse me.

Am I talking to you, pinhead?!

Am I?!

Am I?!

Please don't call me "pinhead."

I'm losing it!

[♪]

JERRY: He took you to Rageaholics? Why?

Probably because this whole universe is against me!

You got a little rage.

I know, and now they want me to bottle it up.

It makes me so mad!

By the way, my bad-naked demo didn't quite work.

This bread has nuts in it!

Oh, great. Elaine.

What is wrong with my body?

Chicken-wing shoulder blades.

That's it?

No, but that's one problem. Why?

Well, I was walking around naked in front of Melissa--

Whoa. Walking around naked?

Uh, that is not a good look for a man.

Why not? It's a good look for a woman.

Well, female body is a...

A work of art.

The male body is utilitarian.

It's for getting around. It's like a Jeep.

It's for getting around. It's like a Jeep.

So you don't think it's attractive.

It's hideous.

The hair, the...

lumpiness.

It's...simian.

Well, some women like it.

Mm. Sickies.

[♪]

KRAMER: "Installing your Clarkman garbage disposal.

Dismantle latch hasp beneath main drainage line."

Oh, come on, Clarkman.

Oh, come on, Clarkman.

[♪]

[RINGS]

Puddy.

Is David Puddy there?

This is Puddy.

Well, this is Kramer.

I know.

Um, listen, you're a mechanic.

Could you help me install a garbage disposal?

Well, it's a big job. You've gotta dismantle the latch hasp

from the auxiliary drainage line.

No, it says main line.

It's a misprint. What do you got, a Clarkman?

Yeah.

I'll call you back. I'll talk you through it.

Oh, okay. Well, thanks, buddy.

Hey, Puddy.

Hey, babe, your boss called.

You owe five bucks for a balloon bouquet.

He says you can just give it to him tomorrow when you see him.

Balloon bouquet for who?

Peggy took a turn for the worse.

Peggy. Ah, great.

I suppose she's still blaming me?

That's what he said. Yeah.

I don't believe this woman.

Talk to me, babe.

She's this crazy woman

who is convinced that my germs make her sick.

Oh, a germ-a-phobe.

Oh, a germ-a-phobe.

I know what that's about.

Huh?

I'm a recovering germ-a-phobe.

Ten years.

What is this symbol?

It's a germ.

[♪]

Elaine, it was very nice of you to bring the man

you're currently sleeping with here to talk to me,

but I assure you,

I don't have any problem with germs.

Don't you. Elaine?

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

Please!

PUDDY: I know it looks bleak.

I've been there. Ten years ago,

waking up in bed next to a woman like this

would've sent me running for the pHisoHex.

Really?

I still have trouble looking at

those disgusting old bedroom slippers she slobs around in.

Hey, I've had those since college. They're bunnies.

They're bacteria traps.

So you...just learn to live with it?

For the most part.

Okay. We're broken up for the rest of the day.

[♪]

[♪]

JERRY: So I'm glad we had a talk and worked this out.

Don't you feel this is better?

This is nice.

Yes. Clothes.

This is normal.

Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?

I was thinking that we could go...

MELISSA: Jerry?

Jerry, are you listening to me?

Oh. Yeah. Uh, what? I'm sorry.

I wanted to know what you were doing tomorrow.

Ah, maybe a haircut,

and I don't know, maybe I guess...

[♪]

So you broke up.

We couldn't carry on a conversation.

I kept trying to picture her naked.

She kept trying to not picture me naked.

Hang on.

[WHIRRING]

So, what are you up to?

Oh, just cooking up a little thank you for Puddy.

Hey, how do you make those radish roses?

Insert a knife into the center and twist.

Then, to make it bloom,

Then, to make it bloom,

soak it in water for 30 to 40 minutes.

No problem there.

[♪]

HANKE: George, thanks for coming down to talk to me.

I wanted to see you right away,

but my hours here aren't very flexible.

I just started yesterday.

Well, I'm here. What is it?

Well, I talked to my sponsor,

and, uh, I've thought it over,

and, you know, my apology at the coffee shop

was sarcastic and rude,

and you deserve much better.

Well...

thank you.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

Can I get a triple Minuteman Mint?

Waffle or sugar cone?

Uh, excuse me.

Um, Jason...

[CHUCKLES]

I don't wanna get into a big thing here, but...

I'm not sure if technically what you just said

was actually an apology.

What? Can you get on that cone?

Would you hang on just a second, son?

George, what are you talking about?

All you said was, "You're welcome,"

which is nice, it's very nice,

but I feel I gotta get the apology.

but I feel I gotta get the apology.

Is there anybody else here but you?

I'm alone. And it's my second day.

And you know, I don't even think we have that flavor, so...

George, really, enough. Okay?

I admitted I was wrong. What more do you want from me?

I would like an apology.

All right-- BOY: You try it?

No, this guy doesn't know what he's doing.

Oh, yes, I do. Yes, I do, okay?

I'm interacting with someone here,

if you can understand that. Now, I'm sorry.

Ah, there it is! You just said it.

That's what I want!

Now say it again and tell it to me.

I'm not saying anything to you. I'm not sorry.

I'm not saying anything to you. I'm not sorry.

I was never sorry. It was cashmere.

I hate step nine!

Where's that Rum Raisin?

Where is it?

I can't find anything here.

I need a drink.

Daiquiri Ice, here we go.

What are you looking at?

Get out! Come on!

Can't you see we're closed?

Get out!

[♪]

ELAINE: Mmm.

This food is fantastic, Kramer.

And what a pretty radish rose, huh?

Well, thank you.

Well, here's to Peggy

on her first week of being germ-free free.

on her first week of being germ-free free.

Yeah.

And here's to David Puddy

for helping me install a much-needed

and much-appreciated garbage disposal in my bathtub.

ELAINE: Ah.

KRAMER: Yeah.

You have a garbage disposal in your bathtub?

Oh, yeah, and I use it all the time.

Yeah. I made this whole meal in there.

This food was in the shower with you?

Mm-hmm. I prepared it as I bathed.

[ALL GAGGING & GROANING]

Oh, germs. Germs. Germs!

Oh, germs. Germs. Germs!

[♪]

[♪]

Excuse me. Is this, uh, Rageaholics?

No. Germ-a-phobes.

Thanks.

What are you guys doing here?

Kramer.

Right.

Hi. I'm, uh, Jason.

I'm a Rageaholic.

ALL: Hi, Jason.

Uh, this is my first meeting.

GEORGE: Step skipper!

That man is a step skipper!

He skips step nine!

Please, step nine.

That's right!

That's right!

He never apologized to me

for saying that I would

stretch out the neck hole

on his sweater.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Wasn't funny.

It was a very nice sweater.

Take a look at his neck,

not to mention the melon sitting on top of it.

I don't know if I'd trust him with a V-neck.

He's beboppin' and scattin',

and I'm losing it!