Original subtitles

[♪]

Hey.

Morning.

This is crazy. You know, I-- I, uh...

I can't go on like this.

But why?

I need some space.

Does that mean I have to go too?

Well, you don't think she's just talking to me.

Hey, shut up.

You shut up.

Oh, I hate this.

You'll get used to it.

You'll get used to it.

It's like a rugby scrum.

No, no, I don't want this anymore.

We're going to work with you.

And on your dates.

And shopping. And to the bathroom.

Elaine. Elaine. Elaine.

I can't breathe.

I'm suffocating. Elaine. Elaine.

I can't breathe.

You're all killing me!

[ALARM CLOCK BEEPING]

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

Turn your alarm off!

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

[SIGHS]

[SCREAMS]

[♪]

Your background is impressive, George, but, uh,

how does it apply to what we do here

at Kruger Industrial Smoothing?

Well, at the Yankees, it was, uh--

It was all about smoothing things over.

You know, chiseling away, grinding down.

In fact, heh, we, uh--

We used to call it "the grind."

It says here you worked at Play Now for four days?

That-- That should be a 14. Let me just...

Well, George, I'll be honest.

Well, George, I'll be honest.

I could go either way on you.

But what the hell? We need someone, huh?

You, uh-- you won't regret this, sir.

I don't care.

Let's...find you an office, huh? Ahem.

[GEORGE CHUCKLES]

[♪]

GEORGE: Then when I saw the photo I remembered where I'd seem him.

The boom box incident.

The boom box incident?

The boom box incident?

Summer of '89, I'm at the beach.

This family sets up next to me.

I go into the surf.

When I come out, my clothes, my towel, my umbrella,

they're all gone.

GEORGE: I am furious.

I start screaming at these kids,

demanding my stuff back,

and then finally, I lose it.

I grab their boom box

and I chuck it into the ocean.

KRAMER: Yeah?

Seems reasonable.

Then I see my clothes floating out there.

The tide took them out, not the kids.

Even more reasonable.

Even more reasonable.

So now the father is screaming at me.

He's demanding that I pay for the boom box.

So, heh...

finally I gave him a fake address

and got the hell out of there.

And that guy is your new boss?

Mm-hm, until that stupid photo jogs his memory.

Kruger.

That's not Kruger Industrial Smoothing, is it?

Yeah.

Yeah, grinders, sanders, whetstones.

They're the ones who botched the Statue of Liberty job.

Right. They couldn't get the green stuff off.

It is a horrible company.

There is no management whatsoever.

I could go hog-wild in there.

I could go hog-wild in there.

You know what you do?

You sneak that photo out of there

for a couple of days and get it airbrushed.

Like retouched?

Remember that photo of me and Gerald Ford,

and I took it in-- Brrrr.

Got that Ford right out of there.

Ohh, this is good.

This Kruger guy is clueless. Hee-hee.

I can't wait to work for him.

KRAMER: Yeah.

Jeez.

Look at this.

This sandwich is terrible.

Everywhere you go they always give you

these misshaped, shoddy meats.

these misshaped, shoddy meats.

Look, look, look.

I haven't had a decent sandwich in 13 years.

Neither have I.

[♪]

Hey.

Well, our meat problems are solved.

Where'd you get this thing?

I traded in my sausage press.

I mean, look how thin that is.

See, that's all surface area.

The taste has nowhere to hide.

[EXHALES]

Hey. Hey. Slice?

Hey. Hey. Slice?

Welcome to flavor country.

Yeah. That's pretty good.

Hey, I got a date with that doctor you met.

Sara Sitarides?

Mm-hm. Hm.

What's with you?

You remember that next-door neighbor of mine,

the apartment that always smells

like, uh, potatoes?

Your whole building smells like potatoes.

This jackass goes to Paris,

leaves her alarm on.

[SIGHS]

It's been beeping since 3:30 this morning.

It's been beeping since 3:30 this morning.

You know, that happened to Lomez,

so he blew his neighbor's circuit.

How did he do that?

Yeah, well, it's easy.

Just let me finish this mile-high

and I'll be right with you.

Oh, Jerry, we're gonna need a case of Kaiser Rolls.

I think we might have one left in the stockroom.

[♪]

[SNIFFS] My, this hallway smells like potatoes.

I know, I know. This is it. Okay.

Oh, you see.

This socket--

It's probably connected to her apartment.

It's probably connected to her apartment.

Oh. So what we'll do...

Come on.

We'll take this paper clip

and we'll bend it,

so it'll short out the entire circuit.

There you go. Can you do it?

Oh, I think I'll let you do it.

No, no, no. It's easy. Just...do it quickly.

No, I really don't want to.

Well, I don't want to, either.

I thought you've done this before.

Yeah, well, I have. It's just...

It's no picnic.

Well, then, how are we gonna do it?

All right, all right, fine, fine. I'll do it.

All right, all right, fine, fine. I'll do it.

[GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

[EXHALES]

Oh, mama.

Are you okay?

I'm gonna lose that nail.

[♪]

SARA: I enjoy the challenge of medicine.

Naturally, you would have no idea what it's like

to have someone's life depending on you.

Well, I have this neighbor...

A joke.

[CHUCKLES]

Do you have any idea what it feels like

to save someone's life?

to save someone's life?

Is it anything like hitting a homer in softball?

No.

'Cause I hit a whopper last week.

[♪]

CLERK: Here you go.

Airbrushed you into sand and sky.

[CACKLES]

GEORGE: What did you do here?

You took out the wrong guy.

I thought you said you wanted to be out.

But I'm still here. You took out the other guy.

You've really lost a lot of hair.

You've really lost a lot of hair.

I am aware.

[♪]

Hmm.

ELAINE: "The world's best pizza cutter...

seventy-six bucks."

How often do I make...?

[GROANS]

I've gotta buy a book.

[CAT MEOWING LOUDLY]

The cat.

[♪]

JERRY: He took out Kruger?

I just pray Kruger doesn't realize it's gone

I just pray Kruger doesn't realize it's gone

until this guy can fix it up.

This slicer is indomitable.

Where'd you get that butcher's coat?

You buy enough meat, they'll give you anything.

Kramer.

Huh?

My neighbor has a cat.

When you blew the power,

we must have shut off the automatic feeder.

See, that's the same thing that happened to Lomez.

Well, what did he do about it?

Well, he, uh, moved into a motel,

and the cat eventually died.

Well, this meowing is absolutely worse than the alarm.

Oh, well, that's a prickly one, huh?

Oh, well, that's a prickly one, huh?

Ugh.

How was the doctor date?

Ah, it died on the table.

She spent an hour and a half making me feel

like if I don't save lives, I'm worthless.

Well, you know, she's very focused.

Dermatology is her life.

Dermatology?

Yes. She's a dermatologist.

Saving lives?

The whole profession is, "Eh, just put some aloe on it."

The slicer. Elaine, let's go.

Where are we going?

The cat.

The cat.

Just grab that meat and let's ride.

When are you going on your next date with her?

Oh, what's the point?

What, you're gonna pass up a wonderful opportunity

to put that aloe-pusher in her place?

A revenge date?

That-- That sounds more like you than me.

This could be so sweet, Jerry.

Saving lives?

She's one step above working at the Clinique counter.

Dermatologist.

Skin doesn't need a doctor.

Of course not.

Wash it, dry it, move on.

Wash it, dry it, move on.

You're right, I'm gonna call her up right now

and tell her off.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

This has to be carefully orchestrated.

You go to a fancy dinner. Flowers.

Flowers?

Yeah, you got to do it classy.

So you've done this?

Almost.

Couldn't get the girl

to go out with me a second time.

[♪]

I think we're looking at half a millimeter.

Can it cut that thin?

Can it cut that thin?

Oh, I've cut slices so thin,

I couldn't even see them.

[CHUCKLES]

How did you know you cut it?

[CAT MEOWS]

Well, I guess I just assumed.

Don't worry, kitty, dinner's coming.

Look at that, huh? That's a hall-of-famer.

All right, let's do it.

All right, here we go.

Yeah. Watch this baby slide.

Okay.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Go, kitty. Come on.

Aah, ha, ha, ha, ha.

How about that? It works. Wow.

How about that? It works. Wow.

Can I borrow that thing for a while?

Oh, I don't think so.

Why not?

Well, you're not checked out on it.

What do I have to know?

Well, where the meat goes.

Right there.

Where do you turn it on?

Right there.

But where does the meat go?

[♪]

SARA: The restaurant, the flowers, this is so nice.

Well, I'm a classy guy.

[CHUCKLES]

How's the life-saving business?

It's fine.

It must take a really, really big zit

It must take a really, really big zit

to kill a man.

What is with you?

You call yourself lifesaver?

I call you Pimple Popper, M.D.

Dr. Sitarides?

Mr. Parry. How are you?

I just want to thank you again

for saving my life.

She saved your life?

I had skin cancer.

Skin cancer.

Damn.

ELAINE: You were right, Kramer.

This slicer is absolutely amazing.

[BLOWS]

[SLICER WHIRRING SOFTLY]

[SLICER WHIRRING SOFTLY]

Yeah.

Yeah. No, no, no.

I'll bring it by tonight.

Okay. Bye.

[WHIRRING STOPS]

Ugh.

These heels are so uneven.

[♪]

CLERK: Here you go, Mr. Costanza.

[CHUCKLES]

What is this? This--

This is a drawing.

Looks real, doesn't it?

Looks real, doesn't it?

This is a cartoon.

Hey, I had to draw that guy from memory.

Considering, I think that's damn good.

But it's not a photograph.

I need a photograph!

Then you better get a camera.

[♪]

[♪]

JERRY: He looks like a Peanuts' character.

I know.

The only way to fix it now

is to get a whole new photo of Kruger.

Well, you can do that.

Without his shirt on?

You can't do that.

Well, maybe Kruger wasn't the place for you.

They seem so disorganized.

I understand.

What about the Coast Guard?

Seems like a lot of pride there,

a lot of tradition.

True.

You mean, for you?

You think?

What about your seasickness?

What about your seasickness?

Maybe I could be a land guy.

I don't know if they have land guys.

Someone's gotta unhook the boat before it leaves...

the place.

Pliers?

Drawer. Got it.

What are they for?

I, uh...

got a piece of my heel stuck in the slicer.

Come again?

Okay, I got a little slicer happy,

but listen, don't tell Kramer, okay?

He has very...

strong feelings for it.

strong feelings for it.

I almost forgot to ask you.

How did the revenge date go?

Uh, it went okay.

Did you dress nice? Did you do it classy?

Yeah, I started out real classy.

Yeah, you did. You classed it up, huh?

But then I found out about the skin cancer.

Oh, so it backfired.

Yes.

So I guess I'm lucky I never tried that myself.

Of course she treats skin cancer.

That's how I met her.

She was doing a skin-cancer screening at Peterman.

This is what dermatologists do.

Sadly, that knowledge could have helped me.

Sadly, that knowledge could have helped me.

Wait a second.

She did a skin-cancer screening at Peterman?

Uh-huh. Could she do that at Kruger?

I don't know. I guess.

So I set up a screening,

everyone takes their shirt off...

and click.

I snap me a shot of a bare-chested Kruger.

You got a little thing for this fella?

Jerry, you got to talk to Sitarides.

Y-yesterday you told me I had to take my revenge on her.

And that was wrong, Jerry.

You simply must apologize.

Must I? Yes.

Because it is the mature, adult thing to do.

How does that affect me?

Hey. Ooh. Elaine.

All right, where's the SP 2000?

'Cause I gotta slice.

Uh...I forgot it.

Huh? Mm, I gotta get home.

Oh, okay, well, I'll go with you.

Uh...

I'm not actually going straight home.

I have to first stop off at the, uh...

circus.

You know, with all the...

clowns.

clowns.

[GRUNTS]

Elaine, you-- You have fun.

Oh, no clowns. I don't like clowns.

The clowns.

[♪]

JERRY: So, again, I'm sorry.

I had no right to yell at you.

You're a lifesaving doctor,

and I'm just a comedian--

Jerry, enough.

I'll do your friend's screening because I believe in that,

but as far as you and I are concerned,

it's off.

Was it Pimple Popper, M.D.?

That's the one.

Still got it.

[♪]

Out, damn heel.

[GRUNTS]

Ugh.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Elaine?

Kramer?

Yeah, listen, I need my slicer back.

Just hold on.

[FOOTSTEPS]

[POUNDING, GRUNTING]

Hey, what's going on?

Nothing, K--

Hah.

Here. Here you go.

Wh-- Ahh.

Okay? Yeah.

I'm on the phone, all right?

I'm on the phone with someone.

I'm on the phone with someone.

My blade is all dinged up. Oh, come on.

Elaine.

Phone call.

I've got a big phone call.

Oh, come on, this is important.

MAN [IRISH ACCENT]: Hey! Get the hell out of here!

Whoa, that's a lot of potatoes.

[♪]

KRAMER: So George took my slicer down to Kruger,

and they're smoothing it out for me.

What the hell is this?

Oh, boy, that looks like an allergic reaction.

Oh, boy, that looks like an allergic reaction.

Have you been wearing a fake beard?

No.

What have you been doing?

Nothing. I got up, I ran some errands,

I went down to Sara's office and apologized--

Whoa, back up. Dr. Sitarides, yeah?

What happened there?

Well, I tried to apologize.

It didn't go over too well.

Th-- There's your hives.

What, she gave me hives?

Jerry, as the Bible says,

Thou who cureth can maketh ill.

She did kind of touch my face.

Now, you listen to me. You gotta find this woman

and tell her you're not a test-tube pincushion.

and tell her you're not a test-tube pincushion.

It does itch.

Maybe I will go down to Kruger and talk to her.

All right, great. I gotta go down there

and pick up my blade.

Oh, hey, and I couldn't find that stockroom.

[♪]

[CAT MEOWING]

Oh, that's fantastic.

[♪]

GEORGE: I just, uh, talked to Mr. Kruger.

GEORGE: I just, uh, talked to Mr. Kruger.

He'll be down in a minute.

He wanted me to take a photograph for the record.

What record?

His personal file. I--

Heh, I don't ask, I--

Jerry! What brings you here?

I don't know.

This?

Looks like hives.

Where do you suppose that could have come from?

Jerry, what are you doing?

Setting the record straight.

Come on, Sitarides, cop to it.

What brand of perverted science do you practice?

Are you suggesting I somehow infected you on purpose?

I want the antidote, pimple popper.

That's it.

That's it.

I'm outta here.

You're insane.

Uh--

Am I?

You touched my face. I didn't imagine that.

But, eh-- Dr. Sitarides, don't go.

Oh, thanks, Jerry!

Hey, George. Hey, doc.

We doing, uh, screening in here?

Uh...yeah. Yeah. Why don't you head on in?

We'll-- We'll be in in a second.

Be right with you.

Doc, huh? Oh, Kramer, this is perfect.

I need you to go in there, pretend you're a doctor,

and check this guy for moles.

and check this guy for moles.

Moles. Yes...

Freckle's ugly cousin.

And just, uh, get a picture of him

with his shirt off.

You're really cooking up a little scheme here.

Come on, let's get in there quick.

Quick, quick, quick.

[♪]

[CAT MEOWING LOUDLY]

That is it.

I can't take this anymore.

[FOGHAT'S "SLOW RIDE" PLAYING OVER RADIO]

♪ Slow ride ♪

♪ Take it easy ♪

♪ Take it easy ♪

♪ Slow ride ♪

Male mammal...

Approximately 30 to 60 years of age.

Uh, weight...

Ohh, indeterminate.

Okay, uh, Mr. Kruger, uh,

we're gonna take a photo now for the records,

so if you'll, uh, stand up, please,

give me a, uh, big smile.

Uh, no, no, no. Not that-- That big.

Yeah, that-- That's nice, yes.

Okay.

Okay.

Yes, let's have a look-see, hm?

Okay, uh, so, uh...

Ooh, fiber from shirt on left shoulder.

I'm gonna have to keep my eye on that.

How long have you been doing this, Dr. Van Nostrand?

Oh, long, long time.

Yes, I've seen moles so big,

they have their own moles.

Freckles that cover two men.

So how am I looking?

Oh, so far so good-- Wh-- ?

Y-you...

[PANTS]

Here.

I really owe you one.

We got a problem.

What?

Well, he's got a mole on his shoulder.

Very suspicious.

Tell him you're concerned about it,

he should see somebody else.

George, why would I,

a Julliard trained dermatologist,

send him to another doctor?

Because you're not a dermatologist.

No, but he thinks I am,

and I'm not gonna betray that trust.

and I'm not gonna betray that trust.

Now, here's what I wanna do.

I think I can get a section. Then I'll go down--

Whoa, whoa. A section?

Yeah, if I can grab my slicer, and if he holds still--

No, no, you're not taking a deli slicer to my boss.

It'll be ultrathin. He'll barely feel it.

No! Absolutely not! All right. Shh.

Well...

it's my medical opinion

that you're making a big mistake,

and it's going... in my chart.

[IRON BUTTERFLY'S "IN-A-GADDA- DA-VIDA" PLAYING ON RADIO]

Yeah, hello, is this Allied Locksmith?

Oh, finally. Okay, listen,

Oh, finally. Okay, listen,

I need somebody to come over here right away.

NEIGHBOR: Turn that off! Turn it off!

I am getting a locksmith, all right?

Relax!

NEIGHBOR: All right, that's it.

Yeah. The address is 78 west--

[MUSIC STOPS]

NEIGHBOR: Oh, oh, mama, ah, ah.

ELAINE: Hello?

[♪]

JERRY: So Kramer pulled it off?

Yep, and the photo is all fixed

and back on his desk, no thanks to you.

Well, that woman had it coming to her.

L-look at my neck.

I look like I had a beard of bees.

Why don't you see somebody about it?

I-I called everyone.

You know how hard it is to get a dermatologist?

A real dermatologist?

Hm? Squamous cell carcinoma.

You know, you're not a doctor. You shouldn't even have books--

That's what he has and I gotta give him a call.

We gotta come clean.

You can't tell him the truth.

You'll blow the whole thing.

I don't want this on my conscience.

I will get him to see a real doctor.

You just stay away from him.

Yeah. All right. Yeah, yeah, well.

Hey, I wonder if they have a picture of my rash in here?

Hey, I wonder if they have a picture of my rash in here?

Yeah, they got everything, Jerry.

I underlined the best parts.

Hey, this looks like what I have.

"Caused by exposure to benzene,

a common ingredient in metal cleaners."

Huh, well, that's weird.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm cleaning my slicer.

That's my hand towel.

I use that on my face, neck and chest.

That's where the hives are coming from.

It's not Dr. Sitarides.

It's not Dr. Sitarides.

It was Dr. Van Nostrand.

So somehow the Bronze-O is reacting

to the poison she's giving you.

All right, get out.

And take your Bronze-O with you.

Whoa.

Ah-- That's toxic.

That's--

[SCREAMS]

[♪]

KRUGER: George. Come on in.

I'm just going over our annual report.

Boy, did we take it on the chin last year.

Uh, listen, Mr. Kruger,

I got a message from Dr. Van Nostrand,

I got a message from Dr. Van Nostrand,

and he says, uh, it might be wise for you

to see another doctor about that mole.

I'm not too worried about it.

Well, he said it could be cancerous.

Maybe you should have it checked out.

George,

take a look at this photo.

[CLEARS THROAT]

This was taken 10 years ago.

Now, that mole looks exactly as it does today.

So there's no cause for concern, huh?

Whatever.

And, actually,

funny thing about this photo,

we were at the beach,

and there was this dumb-looking guy nearby.

When he went in for a swim,

my sons and I took all his stuff

and threw it in the ocean, heh.

What a pear-shaped loser.

Well, that pear-shaped loser was me!

And I was in that photo until I broke in here,

stole the photograph,

and airbrushed myself out of it.

Well, I'll be.

You have lost a lot of hair.

You have lost a lot of hair.

That's what they tell me!

[♪]

So you want more pastrami?

ELAINE: Um, what was that last thing you gave me?

That was pretty good.

Yeah, it was olive loaf.

ELAINE: Oh.

You want that?

I can't believe Kruger didn't fire you

after all you did.

He said he didn't care.

Heh-heh, God, I love that place.

Did you ever see another dermatologist?

Yeah, I finally got in to see Dr. Kazarian.

He said it was really bad.

What he give you for it?

Aloe.

So where's that locksmith?

Mm, tough to get them out at this hour.

ELAINE: Can I have a sip?

ELAINE: Can I have a sip?

Uh, yeah. Coming up.

[SLURPING]

[♪]