Original subtitles

If you borrow my blender, you should return it.

Oh, what's the difference?

Come on, we're like Cain and Abel.

Yeah, you know, Cain slew Abel.

No, he didn't. They were in business together.

Dry wall or something.

Oh, no.

All right, then what was it?

Well, I think Abel worked hard all summer

harvesting his crops,

while Cain just played in the field.

Then when winter came, Abel had all the nuts.

Cain had no nuts, so he killed him.

The way I remember it,

Cain, he was a successful doctor.

Cain, he was a successful doctor.

But when he took this special formula,

he became Mr. Abel.

You broke my blender, didn't you?

Yeah. Well, I was trying to make gravel and it just--

Just didn't work out.

Oh, I knew it.

[♪]

Why were you making gravel?

Well, I like the sound it makes when you walk on it.

Ah, this...looks familiar.

Of course, it's garbage.

No, no, no, no. These brown things.

The chairs.

Jerry,

this is the set from the old Merv Griffin Show.

[GRUNTS]: They must be throwing it out.

This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian.

Or at least in the dumpster behind the Smithsonian.

[SIGHS]: Boy, one minute Elliott Gould is sitting on you

[LAUGHS]: and the next thing you're yesterday's trash.

[LAUGHS]: and the next thing you're yesterday's trash.

Come on, Kramer, get out of there.

Oh, no, no, you go ahead. I'm not finished taking this in.

[GASPS]: Oh.

Jerry, look.

Merv Griffin's cigar.

Oh.

[♪]

You know, I, uh,

spilled a yogurt smoothie in here two days ago.

[CHUCKLES]

Can't smell anything, can you?

Banana?

Right.

George, watch out for those pigeons.

They'll get outta the way. Really smell banana?

[FLUTTERING]

[GASPING]

[GASPING]

Oh, my God!

So, uh...

...where we eating?

...and it was his idea

to put a sprig of parsley on the plate.

[LAUGHING]: Making this up.

There was never a Joseph Garnish.

Wow.

Oh, yeah. The toys.

Where did you get all these?

My dad was a collector.

I inherited them

after he died from a long painful bout with--

Super-Ball.

Super-Ball.

Hey, an original G.I. Joe...

...with the full frogman suit.

Jerry, what are you doing?

I'm putting this on him

and we're going to the sink.

[LAUGHS]: No, Jerry.

They're priceless.

They've never been played with.

I just wanna touch them a little.

I said no.

Now, come here.

[♪]

[♪]

Hi. [GRUNTS]

I'm Lou Filerman. I'm new here.

Hey, Walter.

What is the deal with that guy?

Uh, he's Lou Filerman. He's new here.

[SIGHS]

Hey, your coffee stain looks like Fidel Castro.

You've been an enormous help.

[♪]

JERRY: You ran over some pigeons?

How many?

How many?

Whatever they had.

Miranda thinks I'm a butcher.

[STAMMERS]: But it's not my fault, is it?

Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?

Of course we have a deal.

They get out of the way of our cars,

we look the other way on the statue defecation.

Right, and these pigeons broke the deal.

I will not accept the blame for this!

So Miranda's cooled on you?

I'm getting nothing.

Yeah, me neither.

I thought you were sleeping together.

Oh, the sex is wild. But she's got this

incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it.

incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it.

I don't understand women.

Here comes one.

Hey. What's going on?

Hey. Art Garfunkel?

No, Castro.

Right.

All because of this creepy new guy at work.

He just-- He just comes out of nowhere

and he's right next to you.

So he just sidles up?

That's right.

He's a real sidler.

Maybe you didn't see him.

W-- You never see him.

W-- You never see him.

He sidled me again in my office.

I was sitting there making Cup-a-Soups

singing that song from The Lion King.

"Hakuna Matata"?

I thought I was alone.

That doesn't make it right.

[♪]

See, to me the Hakuna Matata is not nearly as embarrassing

as the Cup-a-Soup. Would you just...

...let it go?

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry. Come here a sec.

Hey.

Oh, my God.

It's the Merv Griffin set.

It's the Merv Griffin set.

How did you get this in here?

Oh, you just bring it in sideways and...

[CLICKS TONGUE]

...hook it.

So where are you gonna sleep?

Yeah, backstage.

Hm...

...this chair smells like garbage.

Oh, well a lot of the stars from the '70s,

they were not as hygienic as they appeared on TV.

[LAUGHS]: Now, you take Mannix, for example.

[PHONE RINGING]

I'm gonna get that.

All right, well, Jerry,

we'd love to have you back any time.

we'd love to have you back any time.

Well, Elaine Benes.

Well, it's great to have you.

Boy, is it possible that you're even more beautiful

than the last time I saw you?

[LAUGHING]

[PIGEONS COOING]

[YELLS AND GRUNTS]

[YELLS AND GRUNTS]

We had a deal!

ELAINE: Mr. Peterman, here are these pages that you w--

One moment.

I'm reading the most fascinating article

on the most fascinating people of the year.

And...

...done.

Oh, yes. I'm sorry I needed this so quickly.

It must have been an awful lot of work.

Thank you very much, you two.

What?

[♪]

JERRY: So three dates and she still won't let me play with the toys.

JERRY: So three dates and she still won't let me play with the toys.

Hm, that's interesting.

You know, someone mentioned,

you were not very happy with your toys, growing up.

Yeah, that was me.

That's right. Right, right.

And, uh, you mentioned that, uh, you didn't get a G.I. Joe.

You had--

An Army Pete. Right.

He was made of wood and in the rain he would swell up

and then split.

Ooh, and we all know how painful that can be.

[DOOR SLAMS]

ELAINE: Jerry?

ELAINE: Jerry?

Oh, there you are. Elaine Benes.

Well, this is quite a thrill.

Yes, come--

Yes, sit down. Yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, I'll tell you, this sidler guy

is really chapping my hide. Now--

Excuse me?

[SIGHS]: Yeah, we're... talking this way.

Well, he's getting credit for work that I did.

He's gonna sidle me right out of a job.

Uh, now, for those of us who don't know,

uh, sidling is what?

Kramer, what is wrong with you?

What do you mean?

Well, for starters, you're looking at note cards.

I'm gonna give that guy a taste of his own medicine.

So I am going to sidle the sidler.

You sidle?

Y-You stomp around like a Clydesdale.

Not with these honeys.

[LAUGHS]: Wrestling shoes.

Only in New York.

[CHUCKLES]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Jerry?

KRAMER: Oh...

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

...hey!

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

it's our good friend, George Costanza.

What a surprise.

[LAUGHS]

MAN: Turn music off.

Yeah, sit, sit.

[LAUGHS]

Well, it happened again.

What happened? Hey, hey.

I'll ask the questions.

What happened?

What happened?

Well, I just stomped some pigeons in the park.

They-- They didn't move.

All right. Let's, uh, change the subject.

Now, uh, you and, uh, Jerry dated for a while.

Tell us, uh...

...what was that like?

Wrong card.

I-I don't get these birds.

They're breaking the deal.

It's-- It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me.

So they're like everyone else.

[LAUGHS]

All right, let's take a short break.

[BURPS AND GRUNTS]

Okay, uh...

...we're back.

[♪]

Boy, that-- That bank clock is-- Is 8 minutes off.

Then why don't you just run it over too?

Zing.

Zing.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

George, what are you doing?

[STAMMERS]: Did you see that? That pigeon didn't move.

I had to swerve out of the way. I saved that pigeon's life.

[CHUCKLES] What pigeon?

You drove right into that squirrel.

Squirrel?

Well, we have no deal with them.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

[JERRY IMITATES GUNSHOTS]

Jerry, those hands.

They never stop.

I'm sorry.

Got any booze? What say you and I get ripped.

No, thanks. I have a headache.

[SIGHS]: Can you just get me an aspirin?

All right.

Hm, "Will not cause drowsiness."

Hm, "Will not cause drowsiness."

"May cause...drowsiness."

[♪]

FILERMAN: Here's the new copy you wanted.

[SIGHS]: Oh, yes.

Well, this certainly looks like a lot of words...

...in record time.

I'm very impressed...

...with both of you.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

[SIGHS]

[LAUGHS]: Thank you.

Unfortunately, I am also disgusted.

Unfortunately, I am also disgusted.

This is incoherent drivel.

This is a total redo.

And I'm assuming I need it right away.

Well, I guess we'll just have--

Oh, just give me that.

[JERRY HUMMING]

[IMITATES ANIMAL GRUNTS]

[IMITATES ANIMAL GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS]

Mission accomplished. Back to base, Joe.

[HUMS]

[♪]

MIRANDA: Doctor, is the squirrel going to live?

There's been massive trauma.

We could, of course, try to save him, but...

[SIGHS]: ...it would be costly, difficult,

and we'd have to send away for some special,

really tiny instruments.

Well, uh, are there any other options?

We could put him to sleep.

What might that cost?

Well, it's by the pound, so...about 80 cents.

Well. [WHISPERS]: George.

[WHISPERS AND LAUGHS]: I was just-- I was curious, that's all.

[WHISPERS AND LAUGHS]: I was just-- I was curious, that's all.

We, uh--

We'd like you to do everything possible.

He, um--

He's not gonna be the same, you know.

Yeah, yeah. I, uh-- I know.

[♪]

GEORGE: So they're flying the tiny instruments

in from El Paso.

[SIGHS]: El Paso.

I spent a month there one night.

[LAUGHING]

El Paso.

What's he here for?

[SIGHS]: Well, he takes some of the pressure off of me.

So, Jerry, uh, what's going on with you?

I understand there's a young lady in your life, hm?

Well, actually, it's kind of a funny story,

because she has this amazing toy collection

and last night I got to play with them.

Ooh. Well, sounds like

things are progressing.

Do I hear wedding bells?

Are you married right now?

Newman.

She doesn't even know about the toys.

I gave her the wrong kind of medicine

and I...guess she passed out.

What do you mean, wrong kind of medicine?

She's even got that football game

that we loved. Oh, come on.

Gotta get me over there.

Gotta get me over there.

Wait, wait a minute,

you mean to say that you drugged a woman

so you could take advantage of her toys?

Let's pause a moment.

[UPBEAT JAZZ SONG PLAYING]

Jerry,

now, what you do with your personal life

is your business.

But when you're on my set

you clean it up, mister.

I told you he was a risk.

Oh, like he's not just carrying you.

And has been for years.

Yeah, well, you bombed.

That story stunk worse than these chairs.

Shh. Smile, everyone. We're back.

[GRUNTS]

[♪]

[♪]

You wanted to see me, Elaine?

Yes, Lou.

[SIGHS]: You've got a lot going for you.

[LAUGHS]: You're, um-- You're...spontaneous.

You're...symmetrical.

Youre, uh--

[LAUGHS]

--You're very quick, aren't you?

[SIGHS]: Um...

...it's just that your...

My dead tooth?

No...

...your...

...blegh.

...blegh.

What, my breath?

Ugh.

What can I do?

Well, you should never, ever go anywhere...

[MINTS RATTLING]

...without these.

Thanks, Elaine.

You're such a super lady.

[RATTLING]

[♪]

More wine and turkey?

Hm.

So when I saw George on the street

with an 18 pound turkey

and a giant box of wine, I thought,

and a giant box of wine, I thought,

"What a coincidence, we're just about to eat."

What is that stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy?

Tryptophan... Tryptophan.

...I think.

Have some more wine.

What video did you get?

Oh, Oh...

George brought home movies

of his boyhood trip to Michigan.

Four hours.

More heavy gravy?

[♪]

[GRUNTS]: Ah, yes. Touchdown.

Your turn, Jerry.

[GAME BEEPING]

Lately though, I've been, uh--

I've been buying the generic brand of wax beans.

You know, I rip off the label...

...I can hardly tell the difference.

We've officially bottomed out.

Who's our next guest?

We got no one.

[SIGHS]

We need a new format.

We should shut down and retool.

[SIGHS]

What about a guest host?

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

[♪]

MIRANDA: Doctor, how's the squirrel?

Is he dead?

No, fortunately the special tiny instruments

arrived just in time.

Would you like to visit him?

Yes, he would.

Yes, he would.

You, um-- You have 30 minutes.

So, uh...

...squirrel...

One more thing, Mr. Costanza.

We just need to know what time

you'll be picking him up tomorrow.

[SIGHS]

What's that?

What's that?

Oh, we're discharging the squirrel.

We think he'll be better off at home.

He has no home. He's a squirrel.

[CHUCKLES]

Your home, Mr. Costanza.

Just make sure he gets his medicine six times a day

and keep his tail elevated.

[♪]

JERRY: Maybe it'll be fun having a pet.

It's not a pet. It's a wild invalid.

And it knows that I tried to kill it.

As soon as it gets better,

it's gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep!

it's gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep!

Jerry. Hey-yeah.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Want you to come by the set.

What about my questionable material?

No, we got a whole new format.

Edgy, youthful.

Plus, we got Jim Fowler.

Jim Fowler? The animal guy from Wild Kingdom

is coming to your apartment?

Well, I practically raised his kids.

Perfect, he's a zoo guy.

He takes care of animals.

Can--Can I bring the squirrel by?

Oh, two animal acts on the same show?

[LAUGHS]: What is this, amateur hour?

Look, George, I'm sorry.

Maybe another time, all right?

I gotta get to Fowler.

I know that he would take this squirrel off my hands.

It's practically bionic.

ELAINE: Hey.

[LAUGHS]

Nice sidle, huh?

Speaking of which,

I think I've got that problem solved.

Tic Tacs work?

He's a human maraca.

Boy, my knuckles are still cramped from that football game.

You took him over to Celia's?

What? It's a victimless crime.

What about the woman who's been drugged

and taken advantage of?

and taken advantage of?

Okay, one victim.

I think it's unconscionable.

Hey, last night, I found a whole Weeble village

right behind the Easy-Bake Oven.

Easy-Bake Oven?

[OVEN DINGS]

Who wants cupcake?

Ooh, me, me, me, me, me.

You know that batter is

like 30 years old.

FRANK [ON TV]: You step on it and it flushes.

Why is your father giving a tour of a rest stop?

ESTELLE: Stop squirming. Oh, don't look.

Thi-- This is the part where they change me.

You're 8 years old. ESTELLE: Georgie.

I was 7 and a half.

I was 7 and a half.

[♪]

[TIC TACS RATTLE]

That noise.

That's the noise! What?

That infernal rattling sound

that has plagued me these past two days,

and I could not find the source.

In my office, in the hallway...

...even in the men's room.

Shame on you, Elaine. No, no,

[LAUGHS]: Mr. Peterman, that wasn't me.

That reminds me of

the Haitian voodoo rattle torture.

You haven't gone over to their side, have you?

You haven't gone over to their side, have you?

No, Mr. Peterman.

Because if I hear one more rattle--

just...one

--you're out on your can.

And if you are undead...

I'll find out about that too.

[RATTLING]

[RATTLING STOPS]

[RATTLING]

[RATTLING]

Lou. In here.

We have to talk.

Oh, right. [GASPS]: Stop it.

Bad voodoo.

You gotta stop using these.

Why?

Because they're turning

your teeth green?

I only buy the white ones.

Okay, well

then your teeth are green for a different reason.

You gotta stop carrying these, okay?

Just use mouthwash.

I can't. It burns my cankers.

Binaca.

Again. Right, right. Cankers.

Um, I got it. Chew gum.

Um, I got it. Chew gum.

I hate gum.

The only gum I liked came with

the Mickey Mouse gumball machine.

They stopped making that 20 years ago.

Well, stinky, this is your lucky day.

[♪]

Okay, a little later

we're gonna be talking with animal expert,

Jim Fowler.

Where are the cameras?

But first, we're talking with...Jerry.

Okay, Jerry, uh...

...you, uh-- You drugged a woman

in order to play with her toy collection.

in order to play with her toy collection.

How do you feel about that?

It was great.

I've done it a few more times since then.

And she doesn't know anything about this?

Not a thing. [NEWMAN LAUGHS]

Well, Jerry, we have a little surprise for you.

Come on out, Celia.

What kind of sick, twisted creep are you?

Whoa. Hey.

What-- What is this? What is she doing here?

It's the new format.

Scandals and animals.

Eh, eh, eh.

If you think you can drug me

and play with my toys,

you've got another thing coming, buddy.

you've got another thing coming, buddy.

Go, girl. Ooh.

W-What kind of woman drinks an entire box of wine?

KRAMER AND NEWMAN: Ooh.

Mr. Fowler,

I-I have a squirrel here

that is a miracle of modern science.

[LAUGHS] George, I told you we're booked.

Careful. Hawks and squirrels don't get along together.

Ooh, another interesting confrontation.

This could be spicy. George,

bring him over. Uh--

No, you idiot. Hawks eat squirrels.

[KRAMER LAUGHS] [SQUAWKING]

[SCREAMING]

[♪]

KRAMER: Are we getting this?

So the whole set was destroyed?

The squirrel kept scurrying

and the hawk kept clawing.

Well, at least we know that prosthetic squirrel hips work.

Sorry about the set.

[SIGHS]: I'll tell you,

it was a grind having to fill 10 hours a day.

I'm not sure I was ready

to have my own talk show set.

I got the nut bread, George. Let's go.

[SIGHS]

So the squirrel's gonna make it?

Yeah, he's in my bed.

I'm...

I'm...

...sleeping on the couch.

On the couch? So you're--

Still getting nothing.

[PIGEONS COOING]

GEORGE: Go ahead, pigeons.

[LAUGHS]

Laugh it up.

I'm getting in my car now, and the last I heard...

...we have no deal!

[♪]

I'm glad you called, Elaine.

I really needed to talk to someone.

Oh, well, hey, I dated Jerry too.

I-- I know what a monster he can be.

More wine and turkey?

Who's he?

Oh, he's nobody.

Hey, listen, let me top that off for you.

[♪]