Original subtitles

[♪]

What is Holland?

What do you mean, what is it?

It's a country right next to Belgium.

No. That's the Netherlands.

Holland is the Netherlands.

Then who are the Dutch?

You know, I cannot stand this thing anymore.

I know. I hate it too.

I feel like an out-of-work porn star.

I told you, we should've taken some kind of vacation.

I told you, we should've taken some kind of vacation.

Well, why didn't we?

Because you said this would be better.

Remember?

"A vacation from ourselves."

That's what you said.

What if we grew muttonchops? No.

Buzz cuts? Parachute pants!

Stop it, George. Stop it!

I'm sorry.

You've gotta get a job.

[WHIMPERS] Damn it.

[♪]

Hey, hey, hey.

Check me out. Huh?

No more crutches. That must be a relief.

Yeah. With crutches, everyone has questions.

Not with the cane?

Nah. With crutches, it's a funny story.

With a cane, it's a sad story.

You through with those?

That is a sad story.

Hey, you should've been here tonight.

Some guy from NBC saw my set.

He wants me to do a showcase.

I might have another shot at a pilot.

All right! We're back in!

We? No.

We? No.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, Jerry, did you see me up there?

I was killin', Jerry. Killin'.

I killed.

You killed?

Killed.

I'm gonna go pick up some chicks.

Good-lookin' ones too.

Hey, what's your name?

Yeah, he killed.

Because I killed first and warmed up the crowd.

He's like that fish

that attaches himself to the shark.

And you're the shark?

Yeah, I'm the shark,

and he's the fish eating my laughs.

and he's the fish eating my laughs.

I don't know how a fish could eat laughs.

Well, I'm glad I brought it up.

[♪]

So you got any shredded coconut?

We're not doin' that anymore.

Uh-- Right-- Yeah--

Oh, my God.

What? I got a job interview.

They wanna see me this afternoon.

So what's this job?

Oh, it's beautiful. It's in sports.

Oh, it's beautiful. It's in sports.

Knicks? Rangers?

Playground equipment.

Welcome back to the show.

Ah-ha-ha!

Yeah, this is better.

Yeah.

So you got any shredded coconut?

No.

I gotta hobble.

Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta!

I gotta switch shaving creams.

I'm gettin' no protection.

What kind do you use?

Whatever you get.

Look, postcard from Elaine from Europe.

Oh. Don't tell me she's draggin'

another poor guy across Europe.

Remember David Puddy?

Oh, the face-painting auto mechanic.

So she's dating him again, huh?

Oh, I guess she's batted around,

and she's back at the top of the order.

Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine.

[WHISTLES]

That guy's comin' home in a body bag.

[♪]

Well, let's see.

I've got a 10 kroner, a 5 kroner,

A 20 kroner--

A 20 kroner--

No, wait.

That's another 10 kroner.

"Femty kroner."

How much is that?

We have to break up.

What? I can't take this anymore!

I don't wanna hear how interesting

the change with the hole in it is!

If you tell me what time it is in New York again,

you are going home in a body bag!

Well, what about you? What do you think

the Gap in Rome has that's not in the Gap on Broadway?

Okay. All right. Listen.

Forget about the Gap because we are through!

Forget about the Gap because we are through!

Fine. Fine!

Okay. Terminal three.

Have a nice flight.

MAN [OVER P.A.]: Ladies and gentlemen,

our flight time with stopovers will be approximately 22 hours.

[SNIFFLING]

Hey, you gonna bust out that drink cart or what?

[♪]

KRAMER: Hey, what are you doin'?

I'm taking this lace out.

It came undone and touched the floor of a men's room.

That's the end of that.

Did you see Bania's set last night?

Did you see Bania's set last night?

'Cause I read on the internet he killed.

"He killed."

He only does well when he has me for a lead-in.

He's a time-slot hit.

Jerry, you gotta give him some credit.

I mean, you're just being totally ridiculous.

I'll see you later, buddy.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

What, what, what?

Do I have to ask?

Well, I ran out of butter, so I had to borrow yours.

Well, I ran out of butter, so I had to borrow yours.

Anything else, Mr. Nosy?

Why are you buttering your face?

I'm shavin' with it.

Oh, Moses, smell the roses.

No, Jerry, it's vastly superior

to any commercial shaving cream.

I mean, the shave is close and clean,

and the natural emollients keep my skin silky-smooth.

Now, feel my face.

No. No, feel it.

I don't want to. Feel it.

Feel it!

That is close.

[♪]

GEORGE: I got the job?!

George, everybody here at Play Now

is very impressed with you,

but I'm sure you've heard that before.

Well...

no.

I don't want you to think

that anyone's going to treat you any differently

just because of your, uh, ahem, handicap.

Handicap? Oh.

I'm not handicapped.

[CHUCKLES] I'm sorry.

Differently, uh...

Differently, uh...

um, advantaged?

See, I--I didn't mean that.

Of course, you will have

your own private, fully equipped bathroom.

When do I start?

Oh, whenever you feel that you're able.

Uh, ahem, you need a hand here?

Yeah, what the hell?

[♪]

JERRY: You got the job?

GEORGE: Jerry, it's fantastic.

I love the people there. They treat me so great.

I love the people there. They treat me so great.

They think I'm handicapped.

They gave me this incredible office, a great view.

Hold on. They think you're handicapped?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, because of the cane.

You should see the bathroom they gave me.

How can you do this?

Look, Jerry, let's face it.

I've always been handicapped.

I'm just now getting the recognition for it.

Name one thing I have that puts me

in a position of advantage, huh?

There was a guy that worked at the Yankees, no arms!

He got more work done than I did, made more money.

He had a wife, a-a family!

He had a wife, a-a family!

Drove a better car than I did.

He drove a car with no arms?

All right, I made up the part about the car,

but the rest is true.

And he hated me anyway!

You know how hard it's getting just to tell people I know you?

I love that bathroom.

It's got that high, high toilet.

I feel like a gargoyle perched on the ledge of a building.

Hey.

They hooked me up.

What's with all the butter?

I'm shaving with it, and you know what I discovered?

You can eat it?

No.

No.

My face feels so good,

I'm gonna use it all over my body.

Oh, my God, it's Bania and Jenna!

Who? The toothbrush in the toilet bowl.

Hey, Jerry!

This is Jenna.

Pretty good-lookin', huh?

Uh, Jerry is the guy that I dated right before you.

Oh.

This is awkward.

JENNA: Don't worry, Kenny.

After dating Jerry...

you're a pleasure.

I don't believe this.

You miss her, don't you?

No!

He's ridin' my coattails again.

He's gettin' everything off of me.

First laughs, now ladies.

You miss her.

[♪]

PUDDY: You know, I think, ultimately,

I'm upset with myself.

I knew what I was getting into.

She's a bitter, unstable person.

I mean, the sex was good,

which I'm sure was fine for her...

but I need more.

Hey, you believin' this?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I-I was-- I was sleeping.

Well, you missed quite a performance.

That's my apple juice.

[SHEENA EASTON'S "MORNING TRAIN" PLAYING]

♪ My baby takes The mornin' train ♪

♪ He works from 9 Till 5 and then ♪

♪ He takes another Home again ♪

♪ To find me Waitin' for him ♪

♪ My baby takes The mornin' train ♪

♪ My baby takes The mornin' train ♪

♪ He works from 9 Till 5 and then ♪

♪ He takes another Home again ♪

♪ To find me Waitin' for him ♪

[LOCKS CLICKING]

[SNIFFS]

Someone's cookin'.

[SNIFFS]

Hello, Jerry.

[FLATLY] Hello, Newman.

You know, old friend,

sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us,

and I say why?

Are we really so different?

For what is--?

I'm not the one doin' the cooking, Newman.

Damn you, Seinfeld!

You useless pustule!

Well, somebody's got somethin' on the griddle.

Maybe it's Kramer.

Nah, he's up on the roof

gettin' some sun with the butter.

Oh, no!

[SNIFFS]

[SNIFFS]

Butter?

This is the femty kroner.

Ohhh.

You know, my last boyfriend,

he had a real kroner comprehension problem.

You know what I mean?

A real cement-head.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

David, you are so funny.

Yeah, I know.

Hey. What are you doing?

It's a long flight, Elaine.

I had to get on with my life.

By making time with some floozy across the aisle?

Yeah, that's right.

What's going on over there with you and, uh...

Vegetable Lasagna?

This guy? Oh, he's an idiot.

This guy? Oh, he's an idiot.

He doesn't mean anything to me.

I can hear you.

Well, she doesn't mean anything to me.

If it were up to me, we'd be together.

Well, maybe I feel the same way.

Okay. Okay, so now what?

Let's make out.

Kramer!

Yeah.

Oh, man.

I think I cooked myself.

Look at your skin!

Oh, stick a fork in me, Jerry...

[WHIMPERS] I'm done.

[♪]

Whew.

I'm fried.

Technically, you're sautéed.

So, what're you doin' for that?

Well, I just gotta keep my skin moist so I don't dry out.

Is that what the doctor said?

No. I read an article in Bon Appetit magazine.

I'll see you, man. See you.

Hey, Kramer. Hey, buddy.

[SNIFFS]

Mmm. Game hen?

Kind of.

Nice limp. You bringin' your work home with you?

Nice limp. You bringin' your work home with you?

No, I fake limp on my right.

This is a real limp because I sprained my ankle.

What happened?

Well...

I was butterin' myself up for a nice shave--

Oh, not you too.

I must've dripped some on the floor,

and I slipped, and...

You know what's good for that?

Relish.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld.

What?!

No!

No!

No, no, no!

No, no, no!

Thank you.

I don't believe this.

They've added Bania to the network showcase,

and he's goin' on right after me.

Well, so what? He's got a couple of good jokes.

Oh, like what, Ovaltine?

Why do dogs drink out of the toilet?

Shopping carts with one bad wheel?

[SNICKERS]

That's true. That always happens to me.

You think that's funny?

I don't know, I like stuff

you don't have to think about too much.

You like Bania's act.

You're a closet Bania fan.

Maybe I am.

Maybe I am.

Oh, I'm gonna puke.

Puke! That's a funny word, "puke."

[LAUGHING]

Puke.

Ah, you don't have to think about that.

I can't believe we broke up like that.

It was stupid.

[LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

Do you want something to read?

No, I'm good.

Are you gonna take a nap or--?

Nah.

You just gonna sit there,

staring at the back of the seat?

Yeah.

That's it!

I cannot take this!

I cannot take this!

I mean, look at this. Nothing has changed.

We've been back together two hours,

we're having the same problems we had 12 hours ago!

Oh, tell me about it.

I don't know why I ever took you back.

Oh, please! I took you back!

You know it, I know it,

Vegetable Lasagna here knows it.

Please, please. I don't want to get involved.

Oh, I hope a giant mountain rises out of the ocean,

and we just ram right into it,

and end this whole thing!

Oh, God.

Ow!

Owww!

Owww!

How much longer you gonna be? I'm starvin' here!

Well, just a few more squirts...

'cause I gotta stay juicy.

That smell...

it's still with you, huh?

Oh, yeah. It's baked on in.

Hey, put another stick of butter in.

Yeah, yeah. Would ya?

Yeah. Stir it up so it'll melt.

Fine.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh, that feels good.

Yeah. Now I'm simmering, huh?

I-I'll meet you at the coffee shop!

MAN: Good morning, George.

GEORGE: Good morning, sir.

Is there something wrong with your other leg?

No, no. Just the old handicap acting up.

But your cane's on the wrong side.

Oh, well, that's, uh...

That's just 'cause we're standing on opposite sides.

Huh?

Huh?

Yeah. See, when we met,

I was over there, and you were over here,

so the image was reversed like in the mirror, you see?

See, this looks right to you, doesn't it?

Uh...yeah, I guess.

But...see, here.

Right.

Wrong.

Right.

Wrong.

Right.

Right. Wrong.

Will you stop it, George?

J-j-just stop it!

I think I can see what's going on here.

I think I can see what's going on here.

[HORN BEEPS]

[BEEPING RAPIDLY]

[HORN BEEPING "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT"]

Well, you're not gonna believe what happened.

You mugged Stephen Hawking?

Play Now thinks I've got problems in both legs.

My own personal Rascal, Jerry.

On the house.

On the house.

Well, it must be comforting to know

you'll be going straight to hell

at no more than three miles an hour.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Jerry. Hey, Lanie.

How's the trip goin'? Oh, it's awful.

This trip was a huge mistake! Huge!

Please stop shouting! I can't take it!

Who's that?

It's Vegetable Lasagna. Who?

Vegetable Lasagna!

My name is

Magnus.

Magnus.

Shut up, or I'll snap you in half

and stuff you in the overhead!

Uh, get me some duty-free Kahlua.

How's the trip?

Sounded good.

Well...gotta motor.

Hey, if you got any juice left,

you might wanna roll by the big showcase tonight.

Oh, you still goin' on in front of Bania, huh?

That's right, and I'll tell you what.

I'm feelin' a little off.

What're you talkin' about?

You're not!

That's right.

I'm takin' a dive.

You're throwin' the set?!

I'm layin' down!

Then we'll see how he does up there

Then we'll see how he does up there

without all the assistance.

Listen, Jerry, with all due respect,

Bania's voice is the voice of a new generation.

My generation!

We're four months apart.

Nevertheless!

His time has come.

[REVVING]

Now, if you will kindly help me unwedge my front wheel,

I'll be on my way.

[HORN BEEPS]

[BEEPING CONTINUOUSLY]

[♪]

[♪]

Butter.

Kramer.

Butter.

Kramer.

Hey, buddy.

Ah!

[♪]

KRAMER: Jerry, what are you doing?

George tells me you're gonna throw your set?

That's right, Choochie.

Let's see how Bania does without the cushy time slot.

Let's see how Bania does without the cushy time slot.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld!

If you'll excuse me...

Whoa, man!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

JERRY: Hey, everybody! Who's ready to laugh?

Oh, man.

And what's the deal with lampshades?

[LAUGHING] Yeah!

I mean, if it's a lamp, why do you want shade?

[GUFFAWING]

And what's with people gettin' sick?

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I mean, what's the deal with cancer?

MAN: I have cancer!

Uh-oh. Tough crowd.

[♪]

[WHISTLING]

Hey! Hey!

You dented my ride!

What you got there, the, uh, four volt?

[CHUCKLES]

I did you a favor.

How about I do you a favor upside your head?

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Hey!

Get the bikes!

[♪]

[AUDIENCE BOOING]

Ouch.

Well, that wasn't so bad.

What are you talkin' about? I bombed!

Well, you had some good stuff.

The cancer bit.

It was edgy, not my sort of thing,

but some of those people out there, they really liked it.

Like who?

Well, that guy who yelled out.

Well, that guy who yelled out.

He had cancer.

And laughter is the best medicine.

Hey, sorry, Kenny.

I guess you got your work cut out for you.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania!

Jeez!

Where were you?

Jerry, he could've used your laugh.

He was a big turkey up there.

Turkey?

A big fat turkey.

I'm sorry I missed that.

Let me tell ya, he worked so hard,

and then he just blows--

What is this, oregano?

What is this, oregano?

Look at me!

I'm all covered in oregano and parmesan,

and it's stickin' to me because of the butter!

Look at me!

Yeah.

Hold this.

What is this? Parsley?

Yeah.

Ah, the sweet stench of failure.

KRAMER: Ah, he bit me!

[KRAMER & NEWMAN GRUNTING]

[CRASH & CLATTER]

KRAMER: Get off me!

KRAMER: Get off me!

[TENSE ACTION THEME PLAYING]

[HORN BEEPING]

Come on!

[MOTOR STOPS WHIRRING]

You stupid two-hour battery!

Now I got ya!

Ah!

George?

Your legs!

Are you a religious man, sir?

No.

Eat hickory! Ah!

Hey, Jerry. Did you see it?

Ouch.

Kenny! There you are.

Jay Chermack and Stu Crespi from NBC.

Listen, Kenny, really funny out there.

What?

That thing you did

having the two guys running through?

having the two guys running through?

I love stuff you don't have to think too much about.

Give us a call.

We wanna be in the Kenny Bania business.

By the way, Jerry, the suspenders?

A little hacky.

How about that, Jerry?

First you had a pilot on NBC,

and now I'll have one.

Looks like I'm followin' you again.

Oh, I'm gonna puke.

Puke.

That's a funny word.

Can I use that?

[♪]

David, this has been the worst month of my life,

and if I never see you again, it'll be too soon.

Ditto.

Oh, that's original.

Go to hell.

86th and Broadway, please.

I'm sorry, lady. There's a cab shortage.

The transit police are makin' everyone share.

Oh, no.

Hello!

Oh, no.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

[GROANS]

ELAINE: Nooooo!