Original subtitles

[PLAYING COOL, CHEERFUL JAZZ]

ELAINE: I can't believe I'm going out with this guy.

Wow, he's so cool.

Maybe he'll write a song about me.

That would be amazing.

"Oh, Elaine, you are so beautiful.

"So, so beautiful.

"Not to mention your personality,

"which is so, so interesting.

"If you want,

you can quit your job and never work again."

you can quit your job and never work again."

[APPLAUSE]

[♪]

ELAINE: Jerry, you have got to come see him.

He is so terrific.

Maybe he'll write a song about you.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, right.

Like that really matters.

So I take it he's sponge-worthy.

Oh, yeah.

Well, he's a musician.

I guess they're supposed to be very, you know,

uninhibited and free.

Well, actually, he's-- He's not that way at all.

Oh, no?

Yeah, in fact, he--

Yeah, in fact, he--

[GROANS] Oh-ho...

Come on.

Come on.

I don't wanna!

Elaine, you're among friends.

Well, actually, he, um...

doesn't really like to do...

[INHALES]

...everything.

Yeah.

It's surprising.

Yes, it is. It is surprising.

Yes, it is. It is surprising.

Does that bother you?

No. No, it doesn't bother me.

I mean, it would be nice.

I'm not gonna lie to you and say...

[LAUGHS] it wouldn't be nice.

Sure.

Why not? You're there.

Exactly.

But you said he was just

coming out of a very serious relationship.

Maybe he's, you know,

still kind of-- He's...

It's not gonna happen.

Hey, Jerry. Listen. I need you to come downstairs.

Help me get my stuff out of the car.

What stuff? I just came from the Price Club.

What stuff? I just came from the Price Club.

I'm loaded up, baby.

All right, fine.

[♪]

What, are you outta your mind?

Look at this. What did you buy here?

You will never be able to finish all this stuff.

Of course, I will. These are all staples.

A 4-pound can of black olives.

That's a staple?

Lindsay Olives, Jerry.

A 48-pack of Eggo waffles. A gallon of barbecue sauce.

Ten pounds of cocktail meatballs.

Ten pounds of cocktail meatballs.

Yeah, 17.50. You can't beat that.

Look at this can of tuna.

Yeah, StarKist, Jerry. Most tuna don't make their cut.

This isn't for a person. This is for Biosphere 3.

Hey, Clyde.

Hey, Kramer. What's happening, dude?

Hey, this is Jerry.

How you doing? Hi.

Clyde plays backup with John Germaine.

John Germaine?

That is amazing. I was just talking about him

upstairs with Elaine.

CLYDE: Oh, yeah?

Yeah. My friend Elaine and him are going out.

They're pretty hot and heavy.

Is that right?

Is that right?

Hey, listen, how about giving me a hand,

bring some of this stuff upstairs?

Sorry, Kramer. I got to watch the hands.

My hands are my life.

[♪]

ESTELLE: Georgie,

can you zip me up?

Yeah.

Yeah, one second.

Well, come on.

All right. All right. Let's not get into panic mode!

Let's not make a big deal outta this thing,

or we're never gonna get through this night.

Well, I'm meeting your in-laws. I think I should look nice.

My in-laws. Oh, my God.

My in-laws. Oh, my God.

So, what do you think?

Your old man can look pretty good when he wants to, huh?

I don't like that tie.

What's the matter with this tie?

I've hardly worn it.

It's too thin.

They're wearing wide now.

How do you know what kind of ties they wear?

Go to any office building on 7th Avenue

and tell me if there's anyone there

wearing a thin tie like that. Go ahead.

Oh, get the hell outta here. 7th Avenue?

George, do you think he should wear a tie like that?

I think he should wear whatever tie he wants.

I think he should wear whatever tie he wants.

We gotta stop off and pick up a marble rye from Schnitzer's.

It's out of our way. Why can't we pick up

something at Lords? It's right over here.

No, we have got to go to Schnitzer's.

I'll show these people something about taste.

Ooh.

This is gonna be fun.

[♪]

You'll never guess who I bumped into.

This guy Clyde.

He's in your friend John Germaine's band there.

So, what did he have to say?

Nothing. I told him you two were pretty hot and heavy.

Nothing. I told him you two were pretty hot and heavy.

Hot and heavy?

You said, "hot and heavy"?

Yeah.

What did you do that for?

What?

What if he tells John?

Then John's gonna think

that I think that we're hot and heavy.

I don't want him thinking that I'm hot and heavy

if he's not hot and heavy.

Oh.

I'm trying to get a little squirrel

to come over to me here.

I don't wanna make any big, sudden movements.

I'll frighten him away.

Well, Clyde might not tell him.

Well, Clyde might not tell him.

How do you know that?

I should have helped Kramer with those packages.

Let me give you a hand.

Hey, Kramer, how are you? Could you do me a favor?

I'm taking the family to Disney World next week.

I wonder, can you pick up my mail?

Yeah, sure, sure.

In fact, you know what?

How'd you like to take my hansom-cab for the week?

How'd you like to take my hansom-cab for the week?

Drive the horse?

It'll just be sitting there.

You can really clean up. 500 bucks a day.

I'll split it with you.

Oh. Giddyup.

[♪]

This is delicious, Mrs. Ross.

MR. ROSS: Why are you complimenting her for it?

She didn't make it. Rowena did.

What is this thing anyway? It's Cornish game hen.

What is this thing anyway? It's Cornish game hen.

What is that, like a little chicken?

No, it's, uh-- It's not a little chicken.

[CHUCKLES]

Little chicken. No, it's a-- It's a game bird.

Game bird?

What do you mean, like, you-- You hunt it?

Yes.

How hard can it be to kill this thing?

I couldn't help but notice

but you have quite a library in there.

If I had a dime...

for every book he's actually read...

[LAUGHS] I'd be broke.

More wine, anyone?

Yeah, I'll take more. Thank you.

How do you like the merlot?

Merlot? I never heard of it.

Did they just invent it?

Oh, brother.

She's, uh-- She's heard of merlot.

Let me understand.

You got the hen, the chicken and the rooster.

The rooster goes with the chicken.

So who's having sex with the hen?

We can--- We can talk about it another time.

But you see my point here?

You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken.

You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken.

Somethin's missing!

Something's missing, all right.

They're all chickens.

The rooster has sex with all of them.

That's perverse.

So has anybody seen Firestorm?

Firestorm, that's a hell of a picture.

Remember when they had

the helicopter land on top of that car?

Hey, come on! I haven't seen it yet.

It doesn't have anything to do with plot!

Still, still! I like to go in fresh!

Oh, Mother of God.

[♪]

[♪]

Ho. And of course, uh, this is Central Park.

Uh, this was designed in, uh,

1850 by Joe Pepitone.

Built, uh, during the Civil War

so the Northern armies could practice fighting on-- On grass.

Oh, yeah.

On, Rusty!

[♪]

Now, I-I'd like to play something that--

Well, actually, it's my latest.

So it's nice and fresh.

It's called "Hot and Heavy."

[PLAYING SULTRY JAZZ]

[♪]

GEORGE: Thank God that's over.

The mother seems to hit the sauce pretty hard.

I didn't like that.

And who doesn't serve cake after a meal?

What kind of people are they?

Would it kill them to put out a pound cake? Something!

So they didn't give you a piece of cake. Big deal.

It is a big deal.

You're supposed to serve cake after a meal.

You're supposed to serve cake after a meal.

I'm sorry, it's impolite.

It's not impolite. It's stupid, that's what it is.

You gotta be stupid to do something like that.

Your father is absolutely right.

We're sitting there like idiots,

drinking coffee without a piece of cake.

What is this?

The marble rye?

Oh, dear, I forgot to put out that-- That bread they brought.

We forgot to bring it in.

No, I bought it in. They never put it out.

No, I bought it in. They never put it out.

Where is it?

I dunno. Where'd you put it?

Right over there.

Well, it's gone.

You stole the bread?

What do you mean stole?

It's my bread. They didn't eat it.

Why should I leave it there?

Because we brought it for them.

Apparently, it wasn't good enough for them to serve.

Is it possible they took it back?

Who would bring a bread and take it back?

Those people, that's who. I think they're sick.

People take buses to get that rye.

Maybe they forgot to put it out!

No, they didn't forget to put it out! It's deliberate!

No, they didn't forget to put it out! It's deliberate!

Deliberate, I tell ya!

[♪]

JERRY: They stole back the rye?

Yeah.

Why?

Why? Why?

'Cause he's off his rocker, that's why.

So do the Rosses know?

I don't know.

They're all very suspicious.

Why wouldn't they be?

Rye bread doesn't just disappear.

Now because of that stupid rye, I gotta keep them all separated

for the rest of my life.

Bad situation.

I tell you what I'd like to do, I'd like to replace that rye.

What do you mean, replace?

You know, you go out, you get another rye.

You know, you go out, you get another rye.

Of course, it would have to be the same one from Schnitzer's.

You put it in the kitchen somewhere,

and you say, "Ah! There it is."

So there you go. What's so hard about that?

What's so hard about that? How am I supposed to get it in?

I can't just walk in with it.

I have to get the Rosses out.

All right, all right. Don't panic.

Let's just think about it.

Get the Rosses out of the apartment.

That can't be so hard.

Wait a minute. Wait a second. Wait a second!

You know Kramer's been driving that hansom-cab?

So? So Kramer can take them around for a while.

So? So Kramer can take them around for a while.

And it's their anniversary Friday night.

I can send them for a hansom-cab ride.

Y-y-you think they'd like that? Are you kidding? People love it.

There's something about the clip-clop. They're nuts for it.

They go off, by the time they come back, the bread is there.

What about Susan?

She's working late that night.

W-we're supposed to have dinner at 8:00,

so I'll set up the rye for 7:00.

Beautiful.

You think Kramer will do it?

Of course, I'll do it. I'd be happy to.

All I gotta do is be there at 7?

Yeah, just take them out

and ride them around for about half an hour.

and ride them around for about half an hour.

That's easy.

What the hell are you doing there?

It's Beef-a-Reeno.

And I got 50 cans. You want some?

No. No, thanks.

Jerry, I think I bought too much at that Price Club.

I don't have any room for it all.

Hold on, hold on. Wait a minute. How am I gonna get the rye bread

into the apartment? Just put it under your shirt.

Have you ever seen a Schnitzer's rye? I-it's huge.

I tell you what, I'll bring it over.

I'll stop by Schnitzer's, I'll come by five after 7,

right after they leave.

right after they leave.

Oh, well, this is all lockin' in now.

It is all lockin' in!

Hey. Is that your horse outside?

That's Rusty.

What, he's outside? Uh-huh.

Ah, come on, I wanna see him. Yeah!

KRAMER: He's a great horsey.

Laney, wanna see the horsey?

You really did me in this time, didn't you?

First guy I like in a really long time.

I mean, we're getting along,

everything is just...

Mwah! Great.

I mean, all right, so he doesn't do everything,

I mean, all right, so he doesn't do everything,

and then you have to come along

with your hot and your heavy.

So you think Clyde told him?

He wrote a song about it!

Well, maybe it's a good thing.

No, it's not a good thing.

It's a bad thing!

Do you know what this is like

to have no control over a relationship

and you-- And you feel sick to your stomach all the time?

Do you know what that's like?

No, no. But I've read articles.

And I must say, it doesn't sound very pleasant.

And I must say, it doesn't sound very pleasant.

You know, one of these days,

something terrible is gonna happen to you.

It has to.

No, I'm gonna be just fine.

But as far as your situation, you're seeing him tonight

so talk to him about it.

I can't.

He's got a big showcase for record producers

at his late show tonight.

I don't wanna upset him.

Oh, what the hell? I'll upset him.

[♪]

MR. ROSS: Eh, George, I gotta tell ya,

this is a very nice gesture. We really appreciate it.

this is a very nice gesture. We really appreciate it.

Oh, well, you know, it's your anniversary.

It's-- It's the least I can do.

I-I just want you guys

to go out and have a good time.

So you think we should, uh, we should get downstairs?

Ah, we got about 20 minutes.

You, uh,

seem a little nervous, George. Anything wrong?

No, no, no, no. Nothing. I'm fine.

Everything's fine. Fine.

Just get a little nervous on the weekends, that's all.

Can I, uh--? Can I get a glass of water?

We've got water.

I don't think we have any bread, but we've got water.

I don't think we have any bread, but we've got water.

[♪]

Yeah. Here you go, big fella.

That's Beef-a-Reeno.

♪ I'm so keen-o On Beef-a-Reeno ♪

♪ What a delicious cuisine-o Fit for a king and queen-o ♪

Yeah, eat up.

I got 34 more cans.

[♪]

Nice night for a hansom-cab ride, eh, George?

MRS. ROSS: You know, George,

we haven't done anything romantic like this in years.

we haven't done anything romantic like this in years.

GEORGE: Oh, my God. It's 7:01.

What have I done? My whole plan is depending on Kramer?

Have I learned nothing?

How could I have made such a stupid mistake?

He'll never show up.

[HOOVES CLOPPING]

Ah-ha!

There he is. Right on time, as usual.

[♪]

Fifty-three. Uh, 53.

I'd like a marble rye. No plastic. In a bag.

I'd like a marble rye. No plastic. In a bag.

Ah, you're lucky, it's our last one.

Wait a second, that's your last marble rye?

That's right.

There's none left?

That's what I said.

Number 54.

Uh, excuse me.

I know this is gonna sound crazy,

but I-- I have to have that rye.

It's a-- It's a long story,

but a person's whole future may depend on it.

Well, I'm sorry, but you should've got here earlier.

Yes, well, be that as it may,

if you could just find it within yourself to give it up--

if you could just find it within yourself to give it up--

You're not getting this rye.

All right. All right.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I will give you double what you paid for it.

You're in my way.

[♪]

Ah, Mr. Ross, Mrs. Ross, my name is Cosmo,

and I'll be your driver for this evening.

We have, uh, blankets for your comfort.

I also have hot chocolate if the mood should strike you.

My favorite.

Well, if we're all set to go, why don't you two hop aboard

and let me show you a little taste of old New York

and let me show you a little taste of old New York

the way it once was?

Oh, happy anniversary.

On, Rusty!

[♪]

All right, look.

I'll tell you what, I'll give you $50.

Now, be reasonable.

You cannot turn down $50 for a $6 rye.

No? Watch me.

Give me that rye. Stop it.

Give me that rye. Stop it.

I want that rye, lady.

Help! Someone help!

Shut up, you old bag.

Stop him, he's got my marble rye!

[♪]

I'm sorry to just show up unexpectedly like this.

I know you've got your big showcase coming up later,

and I know how important it is.

I know how hard you've worked for this night,

but I-I just had to tell you

that I never told Jerry "hot and heavy."

I didn't think we were hot and heavy.

I mean-- I mean who's hot and who's heavy?

I mean-- I mean who's hot and who's heavy?

Whoa. Hold on, Elaine. I--

I'm kinda disappointed.

Disappointed?

Yeah, I mean...

I was excited when Clyde told me that.

You were?

Absolutely.

Oh! Whew!

I am so relieved.

Listen, uh...

I've still got a couple of hours to kill

before the next show.

My place is only a few blocks from here.

[CHUCKLES]

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

And you know what, I've been thinking

about what we do, and I'm thinking

of adding a new number to my, you know,

my...repertoire.

Oh.

[♪]

[LAUGHS]

[SNORTS]

[HUMMING]

[RUSTY GRUMBLES]

What is that?

I-I-I think it's the horse.

Oh, my God.

Hey, how's everything? Y-you need anything?

This is really intolerable.

Excuse me. What do you feed this animal?

Oh, you know, oats and hay.

Oh, you know, oats and hay.

Yeah, they like that stuff.

I can-- I can't take this.

Get me outta this thing!

Turn this thing around. We've had it.

We can't breathe back here.

And hurry it up.

Rusty!

Rusty!

[♪]

[WHISTLES]

Whoa, Rusty. Whoa.

Wh-what happened? What are you doing back so soon?

Ask Rusty.

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ross. One never knows

how the gastro-intestinal workings of the equine

are going to function.

Thanks for nothing.

Come on, George, let's go upstairs.

What the hell happened?

What the hell happened?

The horse is gassy.

Must've been the Beef-a-Reeno.

Beef-a-Reeno? You fed the horse Beef-a-Reeno?

Well, I overbought.

George!

[♪]

What's going on?

Where is he?

Uh, he'll be here soon.

I'll give him 10 more minutes.

I'm not gonna stay here all night.

I'm not gonna stay here all night.

[♪]

How much did you give him?

Just a can.

But he really liked it, though.

GEORGE: Jerry, up here.

JERRY: Yeah, hey, what do you want me to do with this?

GEORGE: I can't come out, they're standing right by the door.

Throw it up here.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, it's the only way. Come on.

What are you kidding me?

Can you get this horse outta here?

I can't get any oxygen.

I don't wanna go back on there.

Come on.

Ugh!

Yah!

Yah!

Hey, hey! Wait a second.

I got an idea.

[♪]

No, no. Don't be silly, John.

You were very good.

You just don't have to try so hard.

Good luck, honey.

[♪]

GEORGE: Come on. Come on.

GEORGE: Come on. Come on.

JERRY: Just wait a second.

I never baited a hook with a rye before.

Your hook is too small.

Th-this is for, like, a muffin.

All right, take it away.

Come on.

Yah! Yah.

[GRUNTS]

Schnitzer's.

[♪]

Ladies and gentlemen, John Germaine.

[APPLAUSE]

[BAND PLAYING SMOOTH JAZZ]

[PLAYS SOUR NOTE]

[PLAYING HARSH, OFF-KEY MELODY]

[CONTINUES PLAYING OFF-KEY MELODY]