Original subtitles

Gum is one of the weirdest human inventions.

It's not a liquid. It's not a solid. It's not a food.

What is it? It isn't really anything.

You know, I mean, it's like a stationary bike for your jaw.

Remember when you were in school,

and teachers would get all riled up

if they caught you with gum?

When you're a kid, you think, "What is the big deal?"

But as an adult, I can understand it

because when you're chewing gum

you don't look like you're

too thrilled with anything anybody has to say.

"Oh, World War II, that was an important historical event?

"Oh, World War II, that was an important historical event?

"Yeah, I'm sure.

"They landed a man on the moon in 1969?

"Yeah, right.

Yeah, I buy that, teach."

Do you think she's happy?

Who?

The cashier.

Ruthie Cohen?

You know her name?

Sure.

I don't think I've ever spoken to her.

Maybe that's why she's happy.

Good morning, gentlemen.

What is this?

Well, it's the latest offering from the Alex Theater.

That stinky old movie house?

Yeah, you should smell it now.

Yeah, you should smell it now.

We fixed up the place.

What? Spartacus?

Well, it's a rare archival print.

Twelve extra minutes, full wide-screen CinemaScope.

And if you come to the 1:00 show,

you can hear Jeffrey Haarwood.

Jeffrey who?

Haarwood.

He was the assistant wardrobe man on Spartacus.

He has some fascinating insights into the production.

Why would I spend $7 to see a movie that I can watch on TV?

Well, why go to a fine restaurant

Well, why go to a fine restaurant

when you can just stick somethin' in the microwave?

Why go to the park and fly a kite

when you can just pop a pill?

Listen, you guys haven't seen Lloyd Braun, have you?

I'm meeting him here.

Lloyd? What do you have to meet him for?

Well, he's using his connections in the mayor's office

to get the theater landmark status.

I thought he screwed up the Dinkins campaign.

Well, he did. After that, he had a nervous breakdown.

Had to spend a few months in an institution.

Really?

Really?

Yeah, but he's doing a lot better now.

I've taken him under my wing.

Oh, then I'm not worried.

But he still needs all of our support.

You know, when he gets here,

treat him like he's one of the gang, huh?

Breakdown, huh?

Hey, Kramer.

Oh, hey, Lloyd. Hey, buddy.

How you doing? Hi, Jerry. Lloyd.

George.

Hello, Lloyd.

How you doin'?

Well, he's doin' fine, George.

Gum?

That's an interesting package.

Yeah, it's from China.

Go ahead, try a piece.

Tell me that's not

the most delicious gum you've ever tasted.

the most delicious gum you've ever tasted.

Yes, yes, we shall all try a piece

and tell you how delicious it is.

George?

I don't chew gum.

Mmm. It's different.

Where'd you get it?

A friend of mine in Chinatown gave it to me.

If you want, I can ask him where he got it.

Nah, don't bother.

It's no problem. I don't want it.

Jerry, Lloyd says it's no problem.

He's capable of locating the gum.

All right.

Boy, this is-- This is delicious. Mmm.

[♪]

GEORGE: You know what?

I think this Ruthie Cohen gave me the wrong change.

Didn't I pay with a 20? I'm sure I paid with a 20.

Hey.

I think I finally figured out

what the flavor is in this gum.

It's a little lo mein-y.

What kind is that?

It's Chinese gum Lloyd Braun gave me.

Lloyd Braun. How's he doin'?

After Dinkins lost the election,

he had a complete nervous breakdown.

They had to lock him up.

They had to lock him up.

That's around the same time I broke up with Lloyd.

You-- You don't think that I had

anything to do with his breakdown, do you?

I remember when we parted company,

I was babbling incoherently for months.

Yeah, well, I got news for you.

The whole time that I was growing up,

all I ever heard from my mother was:

"Why can't you be more like that Lloyd Braun?"

In the end Lloyd became more like you.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Right. Gotta get going.

You coming with us to Spartacus?

I gotta deliver Christmas presents to my parents.

Thought they were out of town?

Why do you think I'm going now?

[♪]

[♪]

Georgie!

Hey, Mr. Lazzari.

Back in the old neighborhood, huh?

Yeah, yeah, just delivering some presents to my folks.

Oh, snazzy car.

LeBaron?

Yeah, '83.

It used to belong to Jon Voight.

The actor, right?

Something like that.

Do you mind if I look under the hood?

No, no, no, go ahead, Pop. You always knew your cars.

Yeah.

LAZZARI: Oh, Deena, Deena. Deena, look who's here.

George Costanza, is that you?

George Costanza, is that you?

Hey, Deena, come on, give us a hug.

Oh, my gosh.

You look as pretty as you did back in high school.

Boy, those were some crazy times.

Yeah, yeah.

Speaking of crazy,

did you hear about Lloyd Braun?

The Alex was built in 1922

during the golden age of movie palaces.

Minor restorations in 1941, '47, '52, '58, '63

and currently to our present period of time.

You're really gettin' into this. Yes, I am.

You're really gettin' into this. Yes, I am.

The icing on that cake would be

getting that landmark status from the city.

We're hoping Lloyd Braun can pull a few strings.

Oh, can Lloyd really do that?

Lloyd Braun can do anything he puts his mind to.

He's fine, Jerry.

And you should say hello to him, Elaine.

Lloyd is here? No, I'd rather-- Right there.

Hi, Elaine.

Lloyd, yes. Hello.

Did Kramer tell you?

We reserved some special seats so we can all sit together.

Oh, well, ac--

Uh, actually, Lloyd,

Uh, actually, Lloyd,

Jerry and I have to sit in the front row

because, uh-- Because--

Because he-- He forgot his glasses.

So thanks for getting us--

You know, we'll see you afterwards. Come on.

That was odd.

Am I crazy, or does Jerry not wear glasses?

You're not crazy. Jerry does wear glasses.

He just forgot 'em, that's all.

Not crazy.

We're all the way in the front row?

Why couldn't we sit in the special seats?

I'm sorry, but I didn't want Lloyd

thinking I was leading him on again.

Seeing him made me feel very uncomfortable.

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

No, you don't wanna be uncomfortable.

Poor Lloyd.

I know. Completely bonkers.

I'm sorry. I can't be so flip about this kind of thing.

You know, after what happened to Pop?

Pop?

What happened to Pop?

I thought you heard.

He had a nervous breakdown last year.

That's why I'm taking care of him.

Oh, I tell you. They don't build them like this anymore.

He-- He doesn't have the auto shop anymore?

It was too much for him.

Um, I gotta go.

What?

I just remembered, I gotta be some place.

All right, that's enough, Pop. Put down the wrench.

Ooh!

Ooh!

[ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[ENGINE RASPING]

Pop! Pop!

LLOYD: It's a great movie, huh?

Sorry you forgot those glasses.

I don't know what I was thinkin'.

I don't know what I was thinkin'.

How did you like that gum?

Ah...

He loved it.

Kramer, you know what?

There isn't a light in the ladies' room.

Yeah, it's being repaired.

Oh, oh, God.

You all right?

Ugh. I sat too close to the screen.

I just gotta stretch out in a hot bath.

It was nice see you again, Lloyd.

[♪]

Officer, officer, is there some reason

this man has to always be using a hose.

I mean, he's flooding the sidewalk.

It's a waste of water.

Couldn't he just use a broom?

Lady, you sold me. Hey,

you with the hose.

KRAMER: Here, put these glasses on.

Oh, what's this for?

Lloyd's going to be here any minute.

So what?

Well, he thinks you wear those.

They're from the lost and found at the Alex.

They're from the lost and found at the Alex.

This is ridiculous. I'm not gonna put these on.

Oh, okay.

So he'll just think that the two of you

didn't sit with him on purpose.

Oh, yeah, that's very nice. Very nice.

GEORGE: Excuse me,

I, uh-- I was in here this morning, and uh--

I believe I paid you with a $20 bill,

but you only gave me change for a 10.

I don't think so.

Oh, I think so.

And I can prove it.

You see, I was doodling on the bill and, uh--

So if you have a 20 in there with big lips on it...

So if you have a 20 in there with big lips on it...

well, that's mine.

Would you mind opening up the register?

Not unless you buy something.

Okay.

Fine, I'll buy a pack of gum.

LLOYD: Hey, George.

Thought you didn't chew gum.

I don't.

Take a look.

I know I gave it to you.

George, would you mind? I'm kind of in a hurry.

Fine. Fine. Excuse me.

You think I'm gonna forget about this?

I haven't forgotten about this.

I don't forget that easily.

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry, look who's here.

Oh, Lloyd.

How you doin'?

Got some more of that gum.

Oh, the gum.

Yeah, let's all enjoy a chew, huh?

All right.

Ah, boy.

Sit down.

Yeah, now, see, this is what the holidays are all about.

Three buddies sittin' around, chewing gum, huh?

Three buddies sittin' around, chewing gum, huh?

KRAMER: Mm-mm. Yeah.

So, you know, Lloyd, he thinks he can get more of this.

Well, Lloyd is a very industrious fellow.

I'm sure he can accomplish

anything he sets his mind to.

Actually, the importer's right in Chinatown.

I'll introduce you to him. You can get it whenever.

It's not necessary.

Hey, Jerry, you know, Lloyd wants to do you a favor.

I know that, Kramer.

Well, if you don't want to--

No, sure, sure, he wants to.

And it's very kind of you. Yeah, Jerry, he appreciates it.

And it's very kind of you. Yeah, Jerry, he appreciates it.

Don't you, Jerry?

Yes, I do, Kramer.

So... Yeah.

How about that Elaine today, huh?

Oh, baby. What is that all about, huh?

She was practically undressing in front of me at the theater.

I didn't see anything.

Yeah, you really missed a show, buddy. Woo!

Ba-boom, ba-ba-ba-boom-ba.

Yeah.

You're probably wondering why I wanted to see you again.

Well, you know...

[SCOFFS, SNORTS]

It's understandable.

I'm glad you feel that way.

Because since my father's breakdown,

I've become very sensitive to the warning signs.

Warning signs?

Nervousness, irritability, paranoia.

What?

What are you talking about?

I-I'm not the one with the problem.

I-I'm not the one with the problem.

Lloyd Braun was in the nuthouse, not me.

Yeah, taking pleasure in the misfortunes of others.

All my friends do that.

George, I'm only trying to help.

I'm-- I'm concerned.

[HORSE SNORTS] George?

Are you listening to me?

See that woman on the horse?

She stole $20 from me.

I might have gotten it back, but Lloyd Braun interfered.

So again it all comes back to Lloyd.

Hey. Hey, you! Get back here!

Hey. Hey, you! Get back here!

Don't gallop away! I'm on to you!

[♪]

JERRY: So you're saying she was on a horse.

I'm telling you, that cashier is riding horses on my money.

Well, here's what I propose.

Go down to the stables, snoop around.

See if any high-flying cashier

has been throwing $20 bills around with big lips.

Hey.

Well, if it isn't Chesty Larue.

What?

I was chewing gum with Lloyd Braun

and he was bragging about the peepshow

you gave him at the Alex.

Oh, God. I lost a button.

Oh, God. I lost a button.

So my blouse was wide open.

I must have left it at the theater.

Maybe it's in the lost and found.

Yeah, I know. I have to go check it out.

It's a beautiful button, too, you know.

It's antique ivory. It was my mother's.

You know, the way you were wolfing down that popcorn,

maybe you ate it.

KRAMER: Mr. Haarwood,

well, what an unexpected surprise

to have you back at the Alex Theatre.

Well, I-I'm in a bit of a quandary.

I've misplaced my spectacles.

Well, let's look in lost and found, shall we?

They're half-glasses.

Brown?

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yeah, uh...

Well, if they're not in the box,

I'm-- I'm sure they'll turn up soon.

Listen, could you keep an eye on the place?

I wanna go out and get some paraffin wax

and bring out the luster of this vintage countertop, huh.

Yes, certainly.

Oh.

Oh, my goodness.

What a spanking button.

[ENGINE STARTS, DIES]

[HORN HONKS]

[HORN HONKS]

All right. All right.

[HORN HONKS LOUDER]

Hang on. It's warmin' up.

[HORN HONKING]

You mother--

Hey, what is your problem?

Oh, hello. It's you.

Listen, lady, I've got six minutes left on that meter,

and I'm not budging until you admit you stole my $20.

Heh-heh-heh! You're not so tough

when you're not on your horse, are you, Ruthie?

when you're not on your horse, are you, Ruthie?

Your car's on fire.

Merry Christmas.

Fire!

Your hose! Where's your hose?

Cop made me disconnect it.

[GRUNTING]

Jeez.

What happened to your car, buddy?

The Jon Voight car is no more.

Well, don't you sweat it.

You can use my car any time you want to.

No kiddin'?

No kiddin'.

Hey, thanks. I owe you a big one.

Yeah, merry Christmas.

Whatever.

JERRY: All right. I'm here.

Where's Braun? What, he's not here?

Look, I'll go to downtown to Chinatown with him, but that is it.

I'm gonna need those glasses. Why?

They're Jeffrey Haarwood's.

Here, try this pair.

Wow,

these are really strong.

Hey, gum-buddy. Nice frames.

You ready to go?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, he's all ready to go.

Anybody see Elaine today?

Oh, yeah, she called a little earlier.

She's coming over to check out lost and found.

Maybe I'll stick around and see what she's wearing today...

or not wearing, if you know what I mean.

Absolutely, let's just stick around.

Absolutely, let's just stick around.

I'll tell you what, they're expecting us.

Let me just grab a hot dog.

Oh, yeah.

I'd like a hot dog, please.

Are you out of your mind?

Wh-wh-what's the problem here?

This hot dog's been here since the silent era.

You'd have to be insane to eat it.

No, no, no, this man is not insane.

There's nothing wrong with it or you.

Kramer, maybe-- No, no, I'll show you.

One hot dog, please.

Okay.

[SNIFFS] Mm, doesn't that smell good?

[SNIFFS] Mm, doesn't that smell good?

Yeah, here we go. Oh, yeah.

Mm. Oh, that's delicious.

This is a perfectly sane food to eat.

Mm.

Interesting texture.

It's chewy.

I gotta get some air.

[RETCHING]

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Weren't you told to stop using that hose?

How would you happen to know that?

Well, um, I--

You're that lady that was talking to the cops, aren't ya?

[STAMMERING]

MAN: Hey, Joe.

No, wait. You're soaking me. You're soaking me.

No, wait. You're soaking me. You're soaking me.

Hey. Hey, everybody.

Whoa, Elaine.

Once again you've managed to top yourself.

Come on, Jerry, let's go.

The car's out front.

Lloyd?

Lloyd?

What is Lloyd's problem?

Look, honey,

I know you're trying to get Lloyd to notice you,

but this is too much.

Parading around in a wet T-shirt.

[SIGHS]

I got sprayed with a hose.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but the Alex is a family theater,

not one of your swing joints.

So you want my father to pay for this?

Well, you saw him. He was fiddling with the engine.

Well, you saw him. He was fiddling with the engine.

God knows what he did there.

And I suppose Lloyd Braun had something to do with it too?

No, not Lloyd Braun, but the cashier.

What cashier?

You remember the woman on the horse?

She wanted my spot.

To park her horse?

No, she wasn't on the horse.

So your car caught fire

because of my father and the woman on the horse.

That's right. And him.

The man with the flowers?

Yeah, yeah, the flower guy. Listen,

I know this all sounds a little crazy, but--

I know this all sounds a little crazy, but--

I can't believe it. That's Jerry Seinfeld.

Who?

My best friend. He can explain this.

GEORGE: Jerry, Jerry.

Over here, Jerry.

GEORGE: It's me.

Where are you going? It's-- What are you--?

That was your best friend?

Yeah, yeah. But he doesn't wear glasses.

That man was wearing glasses.

Don't you see? He was doing it to fool Lloyd Braun.

[♪]

[SIGHS]

I'll run in and get the gum.

I'll run in and get the gum.

All right.

Got any money?

Here.

I'll be back.

Look, Deena, I know you think I'm crazy, but I'm not.

This is just a-a series of bad coincidences.

I don't know, George.

I don't know what to believe.

Believe me.

I am not crazy.

I am not crazy.

Well...

I guess it's possible.

[GRUNTS]

Here you go.

All this?

Yeah.

A hundred dollars' worth.

I gave you a hundred dollars?

You sure did.

Am I crazy, or is that a lot of gum?

It's a lot of gum.

[♪]

KRAMER: Mr. Haarwood, I found your glasses.

Oh, splendid, welcome to the Institute

Oh, splendid, welcome to the Institute

for the Preservation of Motion Picture Costumes and Wardrobes.

Ah, the I.P.M.P.C.W.

We prefer to call it the Institute.

Is that from Henry VIII?

Yes, yes, it is.

Well, you know, we're screening that

tonight at the Alex.

You think that I could wear that to promote the theater?

Well, I'd love to lend it to you,

but I doubt if it would fit a man

of your impressive Raymond Massey-like physique.

The only person who could really fit into this costume

would have to be a short, stocky man

would have to be a short, stocky man

of somewhat generous proportion.

You don't say.

You're really helping me out with this, buddy.

Kids are gonna be so thrilled.

Yeah, yeah.

You really cashed in on that favor pretty quick.

Remember, you are a king.

You must project a royal bearing.

Oh, I'm going to give you a royal bearing.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let me get a pack of gum.

Can I get a pack of gum, please?

Can I get a pack of gum, please?

I beg your pardon, Your Majesty,

but we don't accept bills with lipstick on the president.

What?

So I had it all along. How do you like that?

[SNORTS] I guess I owe that cashier an apology.

Oh, my God.

No, no, Deena, it's not what you think.

This isn't mine.

I got it from the Institute.

The Institute.

The Institute.

Dee--! Deena! Deena!

[♪]

Ah! Mr. Haarwood.

Well, you certainly know how to dress for a premiere.

Well, thank you.

Where--? Where is your friend, King Henry?

Oh, he ran away.

Hey, Kramer.

Let me talk to you.

You know, that button looks very familiar.

Yes, it's-- It's antique ivory.

I-I think that's my button.

You know, I've been looking all over for it.

Did--? Did you find it here?

Yes, it was in the lost and found.

Shall I undo it?

Of course. Thank you.

HARWOOD: I'm a little ticklish.

HARWOOD: I'm a little ticklish.

[LAUGHS] Tickle, tickle.

We really gotta get that Elaine a boyfriend.

Oh, tell me about it.