Original subtitles

[♪]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Hey. Big news. Hey.

The dog problem has been solved.

Really? What happened?

Well, there's this rabbi in my building--

You've met him. He's a very nice man.

Isn't he the one with the show on cable?

Yeah. That's the one. Right.

Okay, so I spoke to him about the dog.

He went down, talked to the owner,

and she agreed to keep the dog inside from now on.

That's great. I know!

That's great. I know!

[CAR SMASHING]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

That looks pretty good.

He's in.

You know, we haven't even discussed

George's engagement yet.

What's to discuss?

Come on. George is getting married.

Is he happy?

[♪]

I will never understand the bathrooms in this country.

Why is it the doors on the stalls

do not come all the way down to the floor?

Well, maybe so you can see if there's someone in there.

Isn't that why we have locks on the doors?

Well, as a backup system.

In case the lock is broken, you can see if it's taken.

A backup system?

We're designing bathroom doors with our legs exposed

We're designing bathroom doors with our legs exposed

in anticipation of the locks not working?

[SNORTING LAUGH]

That's not a system.

That's a complete breakdown of the system.

Can we change the subject, please? Why?

What's wrong with the subject? This is a bad subject?

No, fine. If you wanna keep talking about it,

we'll talk about it.

It's not that I wanna keep talking about it.

I just think that the subject should resolve itself

based on its own momentum.

Well, I didn't think that it had any momentum.

How am I gonna do this?

How am I gonna do this?

I'm engaged to this woman?

She doesn't even like me.

Change the subject? Toilets were the subject.

We don't even share the same interests.

[♪]

Yeah, he seems pretty happy.

Well, that's all that counts, I guess.

What's the matter?

What? Nothin'.

Well, you don't seem too enthused about the whole thing.

Well, what do you want me to do?

I thought you'd have some reaction to it.

Well, I don't.

I think maybe you're a little jealous.

Oh, what? You think I wanna marry George?

No, but maybe you wish

it was you who was getting married, not him.

Oh, please!

That is the last thing that I want.

Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah. Right.

Laney...

Jer-ry!

You don't wanna get married?

You don't wanna get married?

That's right. I don't wanna get married.

Oh, come on!

Oh, you come on! It's such--

Oh, hey. Hey.

Hey, Elaine, listen. I was talking to a friend

about this dog business.

Do you realize this is going to be

on our permanent records? Are you aware of this?

Oh, dear.

It can never be erased.

It'll follow us

wherever we go for the rest of our lives.

I'll never be able to get a job!

I mean, doesn't that concern you?

Everything I've worked for, down the drain

because of one stupid mistake.

because of one stupid mistake.

I mean, aren't we entitled

to make one mistake in our lives, Jerry?

We gotta change the system. Yes!

Well, I could care less.

I hope it is on our record.

I'm just sorry they didn't lock me up.

[♪]

Oh, hello, Rabbi Kursham.

Elaine. Always a pleasure to see you.

Thanks again for taking care of that dog for us.

Thanks again for taking care of that dog for us.

Elaine, oftentimes in life, there are problems,

and just as often, there are solutions.

Yeah, yeah, I suppose.

Elaine, you don't seem yourself today.

You seem, if I may say, troubled.

No, Rabbi, I'm not myself.

Come upstairs.

We'll have a talk.

[♪]

Hey.

I want your honest opinion about something.

Have I ever been less than forthright?

No, you haven't.

No, you haven't.

Well, maybe you have. What do I know?

Yeah, I probably have.

Of course I have. What am I talking about?

Whatever. Okay.

Tell me what you think about this idea:

extend the doors on the toilet stalls

at Yankee Stadium all the way to the floor.

Extend the doors on the toilet stalls

at Yankee Stadium to the floor.

Door comes down, hides your feet.

Yes. I like it. I like it a lot.

It's good, right?

[SNOOTY ACCENT] I think it's fantastic. It's a fantastic idea.

[SNOOTY ACCENT] I think it's fantastic. It's a fantastic idea.

You do? Yes, I do.

Well, I told it to Susan before,

and she didn't like it.

Hm. Yeah. Not only that,

This is what she said to me: "Can we change the subject?"

See? Now, that I don't care for. Right.

I mean, we're on a subject. Why does it have to be changed?

It should resolve of its own volition.

That's exactly what I said!

Except I used the word "momentum."

"Momentum," same thing. Same thing.

My God! I'm gettin' married in December.

Do you know that? Yeah, I know.

I don't see how I'm gonna make December.

I don't see how I'm gonna make December.

I mean, I need a little more time.

Look at me. I'm a nervous wreck.

My-- My stomach aches. My neck is killing me.

I can't turn. Look, look.

You're turning. Nah. It's not a good turn!

December! December!

Don't you think we should have a little more time

just to get to know each other a little?

You need more time, you should have more time.

What, you think I could postpone it?

Sure, you can. Why not?

You're allowed to postpone?

I don't see why not.

So I could do that?

Sure, go ahead.

Sure, go ahead.

All right.

All right. I'll tell you what.

How about this? I got the date.

March 21st, the first day of spring.

Spring, of course. Huh?

You know, spring:

rejuvenation, rebirth.

Everything's blooming, all that crap.

Beautiful.

She's not gonna like it.

No, she's not.

You know, I think I'm a little bit scared of her.

She's 5'3", like 100 pounds. I'm frightened to death of her.

She's 5'3", like 100 pounds. I'm frightened to death of her.

Well, she's a woman.

They don't like to be disappointed.

Especially her.

She does not like disappointment.

Well, I have to do it. I can't make December.

There's no way. Right? You can see that.

I mean, look at me. You can see. Look, look.

Can I make December? I can't make it.

Right? Look. Look!

Yeah, you'd better shoot for March.

March 21st. Hey, hey.

So y-you're gonna back me on this, right?

Oh, all the way.

You are a good friend. You know what?

You are a good friend. You know what?

Even if you killed somebody, I wouldn't turn you in.

Oh, is that so?

Kramer, if I killed somebody, w-would you turn me in?

[SIGHS]

Definitely.

You're kidding?

No, no. I would turn you in.

You would turn me in?

I wouldn't even think about it.

I can't believe it. You're supposed to be a friend.

What kind of person are you, going around killing people?

Well, I'm sure I had a good reason.

Well, I'm sure I had a good reason.

Well, if you'll kill this person,

who's to say I wouldn't be next?

But you know me.

I thought I did.

[♪]

I really appreciate

your taking time to talk with me, Rabbi.

You know, I'm not of your faith.

In fact, I'm not a very religious person,

but, um...

I do feel as if I'm in need of some guidance here.

Would you care for a snack of some kind?

I have the SnackWells, which are very popular.

I have the SnackWells, which are very popular.

Although I think sometimes

with the so-called fat-free cookies,

people may overindulge,

forgetting that they may be high in calories.

No. No, thank you. I'm not very hungry.

Anyway, um...

[CLEARS THROAT]

This friend of mine, George, got engaged.

How wonderful.

Yeah, yeah. Well...

for some reason, um...

for some reason, um...

Well, I find myself just overcome

with feelings of jealousy and resentment.

Doesn't it give you any joy to see your friend

enter into this holiest of unions?

No, no. No, it doesn't.

No joy. No joy whatsoever.

Just the whole thing makes me...

sick.

You know, Elaine, very often

we cannot see the forest for the trees.

Yeah, I don't know what that means.

Yeah, I don't know what that means.

Well, for example, say there's a forest--

See, the thing is, Rabbi, it--

It should've been me, you know?

I'm smart. I'm-- I'm attractive. You know,

my temple has many single functions.

Oh, no. That's okay.

My nephew Alex

is someone who's also looking.

Perhaps I could, uh...

No, I-- I don't think so.

He owns a flower store.

Very successful.

Very successful.

[♪]

So you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit it.

Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Another cafe latte?

Yeah. You better believe it.

Since when are you so trendy?

Hey, baby. I set the trends.

Who do you think started this whole cafe latte thing?

I don't recall you drinking cafe latte.

I've been drinking cafe latte since the fifth grade,

and I haven't looked back.

Look at this, Plan 9 from Outer Space

is playing tomorrow night. One show only.

I've always wanted to see it.

I was supposed to see it five years ago.

I was supposed to see it five years ago.

I was in a Chinese restaurant with George and Elaine.

We got screwed up getting a table and missed it.

Well, let's do it, huh? All right.

Look at this, Jerry.

Dropping paper on the ground.

See, that's littering.

Maybe you ought to call the cops and turn me in.

Maybe I will.

[♪]

Hi. Hi. How was your day?

Good. Good day. How was--? How was your day?

Oh, it was okay.

So, what's going on?

So, what's going on?

Oh, nothing much. You know,

went over to Jerry's, talked to Jerry. Oh.

Oh, the Lauers

wanna get together with us on Friday night.

The Lauers? Really?

Do you not want to go?

No. No, I want to go.

So, what did Jerry have to say?

Oh, nothing much. No, we...

Talkin'.

Oh!

[LAUGHING]

I had an unbelievable idea today.

I had an unbelievable idea today.

Oh, yeah, the toilets. You told me.

Yeah. No, it's not the toilets. It's not the toilets.

It's something else. You ready for this?

Yeah. Okay. How about this?

All right. Okay.

We get married...

March 21st, the first day of spring.

What do you mean? You want to postpone the wedding?

No, no, no. This has got nothing to do with postponing.

I think the first day of spring

is the perfect day to get married.

You know, spring: rejuvenation, rebirth.

Everything's blooming. All the--

If you don't want to marry me, George,

just say so. Just say so!

just say so. Just say so!

No, no. Still marry. Still marry.

[CRYING] No, you don't love me.

No, no. Still love. Still love.

My friends told me that you were too neurotic

and that I was making a mistake.

No, no. No mistake. No mistake.

No, listen, we're gonna get married over Christmas.

It doesn't make any difference to me.

It's fine, really.

You sure? Yeah, yeah.

Sure, sure, Christmas.

Snow, Santa. All that...stuff.

[♪]

JERRY: Let me take a guess.

JERRY: Let me take a guess.

She cried, and you caved.

How did you know that?

I live and breathe, my friend.

I live and breathe.

I felt terrible.

I thought she was gonna collapse and kill herself.

Yes. It's very difficult.

Few men have the constitution for it.

That's why breakups take two or three tries.

You gotta build up your immunity.

You see those tears streaming down,

you don't know what to do. It's like she was on fire,

I was just trying to put her out.

Well, at least you probably had some, uh,

pretty good make-up sex afterward.

I didn't have any sex.

You didn't have make-up sex?

How could you not have make-up sex?

That's the best feature of the heavy relationship.

Heh. I missed out on the make-up sex.

In your situation, the only sex

you're gonna have better than make-up sex

is if you're sent to prison and you have a conjugal visit.

Yeah. Conjugal-visit sex. That is happening.

Yeah. Conjugal-visit sex. That is happening.

[WOMAN SOBBING]

Look, I can tell you're very upset,

but I'm sorry, I'm not going.

[LOUD SOBBING]

[WHISPERS] Wow. Did you hear that?

I can't believe this. Look at this guy.

He's eating a sandwich.

Are you gonna eat those fries?

This is amazing.

[SOBBING]

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I'm going back in!

Feel better.

Poor bastard.

[♪]

[♪]

Good evening, Rabbi.

Good evening. And how does this evening find you?

Well, Rabbi, well.

I trust you're here to see your friend Elaine?

Yeah. That's right.

I hope she's feeling better.

What do you mean?

She didn't tell you? No.

Well, it seems the engagement of her friend George

has left her feeling bitter and hostile.

Is that so?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

In fact, she told me that she wishes

she was the one who was getting married.

Really?

She came off as pretty desperate.

I didn't know any of this.

Apparently, she doesn't think much

of this George fellow, either.

I recall the word "loser"

peppered throughout her conversation.

Hm.

Well, this all comes as news to me.

[♪]

Hi. Hi. How was your day?

Good. Good day. How was your day?

Good. Good day. How was your day?

Oh, it was okay.

So, what's going on?

Oh, nothing much. You know,

went over to Jerry. You know, talked to Jerry.

Um...

Could I--? Could I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, sure.

All right.

You see, this is the thing.

[CRYING] I just feel like I can't do this in December.

I just feel like I need a little more time

because I just feel like I'm not ready yet.

I'm frightened, and I'm scared.

And I just feel like we need a little more time

to get to know each other.

I'm too nervous. I'm nervous.

But I-- I can do it in March.

I promise. I promise, no more postponements.

I just need three more months.

Please. That's all. Just three months.

[SOBBING] Oh, George. George.

[SOBBING] Oh, George. George.

Oh, of course.

Of course it can wait until March

if that's what you want.

Yeah? Oh, don't worry.

Yes, of course.

Of course.

[♪]

ELAINE: I have that magazine article for you.

You know, I had a little, uh, talk

with the rabbi outside.

Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Understand, uh,

you had a little talk with him too.

Yeah. We talked earlier.

Yeah. We talked earlier.

Yes. I know. I know.

What does that mean?

Nothing. Nothing.

Ahh.

He didn't mention...?

Yes, he did.

He told you about the conversation we had?

Oh, we had quite a little chat.

He told you about--? Yes.

About how you were very jealous of George.

How you wish you were getting married instead of him.

He told you that? How could he?

He told you that? How could he?

And it didn't take much prodding, either, I have to say.

Can he do that?

He did it.

But he's a rabbi.

How can a rabbi have such a big mouth?

That's what's so fascinating.

[♪]

Hey, you'd better finish your cafe latte.

They'll never let you in with it. Why not?

Because they don't allow

outside drinks into the movie.

Well, that's stupid.

That's the rule.

Yeah, well, we'll just see if we can't get around that.

[♪]

Oh, Elaine. Come in, come in.

So nice to see you again.

Yeah. Can I offer you

some kasha varnishkes?

No, no. Listen, Rabbi,

I'd like to ask you a question.

Why? Why did you tell my friend Jerry

what I talked to you about?

Was that a problem for you?

Of course it was a problem for me!

You-- You didn't--

You didn't tell anyone else about this, did you?

You didn't tell anyone else about this, did you?

Well, let's see.

I seem to recall a conversation with Mrs. Winston in 1-F.

Mrs. Winston?

Yes. We were waiting for our mail to arrive,

and I happened to mention to her

how you felt it was never going to "happen" for you.

What about Don Ramsey?

You didn't mention anything to him, did you?

Don Ramsey? You know,

that tall, really good-looking guy.

He lives on the fifth floor.

Oh, him.

Oh, him.

Well, this morning, I happened to find myself

in the elevator with him. Oh, my God.

You didn't.

[♪]

Excuse me.

Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse us.

Ooh!

[SCREAMS]

Coffee-- Arhh!

Hey! Hey, what's going on? What just happened here?

Hey! Hey, what's going on? What just happened here?

Nothing. Nothing.

What do you got? One of those

cafe lattes in your shirt?

I don't have anything. What? Ask him.

All right. Come on, coffee boy, bring it out.

What? What are--? Come on, stand up.

Here we go.

Ahh!

[♪]

ELAINE: The whole thing is a mess.

He told everyone in the building.

I ran into that cute guy on the fifth floor,

I mean, he could barely bring himself to nod.

Elaine, if I could say a word here

about the Jewish people.

about the Jewish people.

That man in no way represents our ability

to take in a nice piece of juicy gossip

and keep it to ourselves.

You didn't say anything to George, did you?

No. About how you wished it was

you who was getting married instead of him?

Feelings of resentment, hostility.

Yeah, yeah. So what?

Hey, all.

Georgie! Congratulations!

Oh, my God!

I haven't seen you since it happened.

I haven't seen you since it happened.

I couldn't be happier for you.

Well, thanks. Thanks a lot.

Oh, come on. Come on.

You really, really deserve it.

Deserve. I don't know about "deserve."

Are you kidding? I have seen the changes in you

the past couple of years.

Man, you have grown. You've matured.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I guess I'm getting older.

Oh. Well, I just think it's wonderful.

Honestly. I've gotta run.

But please, please, give my best to Susan. Yeah.

But please, please, give my best to Susan. Yeah.

My most just...

heartfelt congratulations. Yeah, thanks.

Hey, listen, if you ever get a date,

maybe the four of us could go out together sometime.

Yes. Yes, yes. Sure.

Wasn't there some guy in your building you said you liked?

He lived up on the fifth floor or something?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah.

Boy, she is something, isn't she?

Yeah, she's something else.

Hey, so, what happened?

Did you hold your ground? Or...?

Nope. I wept like a baby.

Nope. I wept like a baby.

What?

Well, I started to tell her, and then all of a sudden

for some reason, I just burst into tears.

You cried? I bawled uncontrollably.

I-I just poured my guts out. And I'll tell you,

Jerry, it was incredible.

I never realized how powerful these tears are.

I could've postponed it another five years

if I wanted to.

Hey. Hey.

Sorry about that movie thing.

I was joking around.

Sorry? Are you kidding?

You did me the biggest favor of my life.

I spoke to a lawyer. We're suing for millions.

I spoke to a lawyer. We're suing for millions.

Suing? What for?

The coffee was too hot.

It's supposed to be hot.

Not that hot.

[♪]

The prophet Isaiah tells us that without friends

our lives are empty and meaningless.

Don't-- Wait a minute. No. Whoa.

That's the rabbi from Elaine's building.

I just met this guy the other day.

A young lady I know--

Let's call her Elaine.

--happened to find herself

overwhelmed with feelings of resentment and hostility

for her friend.

Let's call him George.

Let's call him George.

She felt that George was somewhat of a loser

and that she was the one who deserved

to be married first.

She also happened to mention to me

that her friend had wondered

if going to a prostitute while you're engaged

is considered cheating.

His feeling was,

they're never going to see each other again,

they're never going to see each other again,

so, what's the difference?

But that is a subject for another sermon.

And now I'd like to close with a psalm.