Original subtitles

GEORGE: Well, you got no place to go.

I'll tell you what your problem is.

You brought your queen out too fast. Heh!

What do you think, she's one of these feminists

lookin' to get out of the house?

Nah, the queen is old-fashioned.

Likes to stay home, cook.

Take care of her man.

Make sure he feels good.

Checkmate.

Checkmate.

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

[DOG BARKING]

[BARKING CONTINUES]

Shut up!

Shut...up!

You stupid mutt!

JERRY: You broke up with her because she beat you at chess?

That's pretty sick.

I don't see how I could perform sexually

in a situation after something like that.

I was completely emasculated.

I was completely emasculated.

Anyway, it's not the only reason.

Yeah? What else?

All right.

You wanna know one what one of her favorite expressions is?

"Happy, pappy."

"Happy, pappy." What does that mean?

Like, if she wants to know if I'm pleased with something,

she'll say, "Happy, pappy?"

Oh, you're pappy. I'm pappy.

Oh, I get it. Uh-huh. Right.

So that's not so bad.

Aw, come on. What, are you kiddin'?

So tell her not to say it.

I'm much more comfortable

I'm much more comfortable

criticizing people behind their backs.

Anyway, look who's talking?

You broke up with Melanie last week

because she shushed you while watching TV.

Hey, I got a real thing about shushing.

What is this?

Do you ever get the feeling like you had a haircut,

but you didn't have one?

I'm all itchy back here.

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

What?

What is this?

Wh-what are we doing?

Wh-what are we doing?

What in God's name are we doing?

What?

Our lives!

What--? What kind of lives are these?

We're like children. We're not men.

No, we're not. We're not men.

We come up with all these stupid little reasons to break up.

I know, I know. That's what I do. That's what I do.

Are we going to be sitting here when we're 60, like two idiots?

We should be having dinner with our sons when we're 60.

We're pathetic, you know that?

Yeah, like I don't know that I'm pathetic.

Yeah, like I don't know that I'm pathetic.

Why can't I be normal?

Yes! Me too.

I want to be normal. Normal!

It would be nice to care about someone.

Yes.

Yes! Care.

[SIGHS]

You know who I think about a lot?

Remember Susan, the one that used to work for NBC?

Yeah.

I thought she became a lesbian.

No, it didn't take.

Oh.

Did I tell you I ran into her last week?

Did I tell you I ran into her last week?

Oh-ho, she looked great. Mm.

Y-you thought she was good-lookin', right?

See? There you go again.

What is the difference what I think?

I was just curious.

Well, this is it.

I'm really going to do something about my life, you know?

I think I'm gonna call Melanie again.

So what if she shushed me?

George...I am really gonna make some changes.

Yes. Changes.

I'm serious about it. You think I'm not?

I'm not kidding. Me too.

JERRY: Melanie, you can shush me at every opportunity.

So we're all straightened out?

So we're all straightened out?

You happy, pappy?

Oh, that's just an expression.

All right, well, that's very sweet of you.

Okay, I'll call you later.

Hey. All right. Bye.

Hey.

Well.

I had a very interesting lunch with George Costanza today.

Really. We were talking about our lives,

and we both kind of realized...

we're kids.

We're not men.

So then you asked yourselves,

"Isn't there something more to life?"

"Isn't there something more to life?"

Yes.

We did.

Well, let me clue you in on something.

There isn't.

There isn't?

Absolutely not.

I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry?

Marriage, family?

Well--

They're prisons.

Man-made prisons.

You're doin' time!

You get up in the morning. She's there.

You go to sleep at night. She's there.

It's like you gotta ask permission to--

It's like you gotta ask permission to--

To use the bathroom.

[WHINING] Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?

Really?

And you can forget about watching TV while you're eating.

I can?

Oh, yeah!

You know why?

Because it's dinnertime.

And you know what you do at dinner? What?

You talk about your day.

"How was your day today?"

"Did you have a good day today or a bad day today?"

"Well, what kind of day was it?"

"Well, I don't know. How about you? How was your day?"

Boy.

Boy.

It's sad, Jerry.

It's a sad state of affairs.

I'm glad we had this talk.

Oh, you have no idea!

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

[♪]

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey. Hey.

Three hours of sleep again last night.

Three hours of sleep because of that dog.

What dog?

Why don't you call the police?

I did, Jerry. They won't do anything.

Yeah, what dog?

There is this dog in the courtyard

There is this dog in the courtyard

across from my bedroom window

that never, ever stops barking.

[HOARSELY] I lost my voice just screaming at this thing.

I can't sleep.

I can't work.

I mean, I just moved. I can't move again.

What am I gonna do?

What? What am I gonna do?

There is something you can do. What? Kramer,

I'll do anything. Well,

what if there should be an unfortunate accident?

You're gonna rub out the dog?

No, no. Not me.

I just happen to know someone

who specializes in exactly these kinds of sticky situations.

Uh-huh.

What? You're considering this?

Just meet with him. See what he has to say.

You got nothing to lose.

I-- I don't really know why I'm here.

Kramer talked me into coming up here,

but obviously I could never really do anything.

Of course.

Of course.

Obviously.

So anyway, I'm sorry for wasting your time.

What kind of dog did you say it was?

Um. I don't know. I've never really seen it.

I see many dogs on my mail route.

I'll bet there's not type of mutt or mongrel

I haven't run across.

If you ask me, they have no business living amongst us.

Vile, useless-- KRAMER: Newman!

Vi-- Newman!

Anyway... ELAINE: Yeah.

Well, um, I was just curious.

If I were interested in availing myself

of your services, um,

what exactly would you do?

Well, Elaine...

there's any number of things that I could do.

But I can promise you this, though:

This vicious beast will never bother you again.

So, what's it going to be?

No, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I can't hurt a dog. I can't hurt a dog.

I can't.

I got it. We'll kidnap him.

We'll kidnap the dog, we'll drop him off upstate.

This way he won't bother you anymore.

He won't get hurt.

Yeah, I suppose.

Huh?

I'd have to think about it. I doubt it, though.

I doubt it. I'll let you know.

Of course. Take your time.

I'll be here.

[CACKLES]

[♪]

[KEYBOARD CLICKING]

[DOG BARKING]

[BARKING CONTINUES]

All right.

Let's do it.

Excellent.

[INHALES HEAVILY]

Excellent.

How come you eat your peas one at a time?

Well, what's the hurry?

WOMAN: Who is it?

It's George.

George?

George, what is it?

Will you marry me?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Ma!

Guess what!

Oh, my God.

No, it's nothing bad.

I'm getting married!

You're what?

I'm getting married!

Oh, my God, you're getting married?

Yes. Oh, I can't believe it.

Frank, come here.

FRANK: You come here.

Georgie's getting married.

What?

Georgie's getting married!

Get the hell out of here. He's gettin' married?

Yes. To a woman?

Yes. To a woman?

Of course a woman.

ESTELLE: What does she look like?

I'm sure she's plenty gorgeous.

What difference does it make?

Is she pretty?

Yes, she is. What difference does it make?

Well, I'm just curious!

She's not pretty? Let me talk to her.

She wants to talk to you.

Uh, hello?

Congratulations.

I just want you to know I love your son very much.

You do? Yes.

Really? Yes.

May I ask why?

Okay. Lemme talk.

Will you stop? I'm on the telephone.

Will you stop? I'm on the telephone.

Can I talk to her, please?

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING CONTINUES]

Hey. Hey.

What are you up to? Uh, nothing.

What's the rope for?

Oh! Ah...

Well, how do you like that? I got rope.

Um...

Well, I got to go.

The dog. You're getting the dog!

The dog. You're getting the dog!

GEORGE: Kramer, where you going?

KRAMER: Out. Don't go. Kramer!

Come back!

I got great news!

Ho-ho!

Well...

I did it!

Did what?

I got engaged. I'm getting married.

I asked Susan to marry me.

We're getting married this Christmas.

You're getting married?!

Yes!

Oh, my God!

I asked her to get married.

I'm a man, Jerry, I'm a man.

I'm a man, Jerry, I'm a man.

And do you know why?

It's because of that talk we had.

You were my inspiration.

Do you believe it? You.

That lunch was the defining moment of my life.

I-I'm blown away.

Are you blown?

Blown! You like that?

And she said yes?

Well, it--

It took a couple hours of convincing,

but I was persistent.

I was just like those guys in the movies.

And it worked! She said yes!

I can't believe my luck that she was still available.

I can't believe my luck that she was still available.

A beautiful woman like that.

You think she's good-looking, right?

You're going to have gorgeous kids.

She's got great skin. She's got a rosy glow.

A pinkish hue? She's got the hue.

Good point.

So, what's going on with you and Melanie?

I know you're not getting married,

but, uh, things are happening?

Well...

actually...

we kind of broke up.

You what?

You know, we were having dinner the other night,

and she's got the strangest habit.

She eats her peas one at a time.

You've never seen anything like it.

It takes her, like, an hour to finish them.

I mean, we've had dinner other times.

I've seen her eat corn niblets. But she scooped 'em.

She scooped the niblets?

Yes.

That's what was so vexing.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

What about the pact? What?

What happened to the pact?

What happened to the pact?

We were both going to change.

We shook hands on a pact.

Did you not shake my hand on a pact?

You stuck your hand out, so I shook it.

I didn't know about a pact.

Anyway, you should be happy you're engaged.

You're getting married.

No, it's not that. I just--

You know, I thought that we were both, uh...

You thought I was gonna get married?

Well, maybe not married, but...

I mean, you love Susan, right?

Yeah.

You wanna spend the rest of your life with her.

You wanna spend the rest of your life with her.

Yeah.

So?

Yeah.

This doesn't make any difference.

Nah.

[CHUCKLES]

So we're still on to see Firestorm tonight? Yeah.

I'll-- I'll pick you up at your apartment, we'll go to the 8.

Yeah.

Wait a second! Wait a second!

Celebrate!

How about some champagne?

Champagne? Yes!

Champagne? Yes!

Come on. How often do you get engaged?

Come on. Okay.

You know what?

No champagne.

Anyway, I'll see you later.

ELAINE: That's it. That's it. Stop right here.

♪ How much is that doggy In the window? ♪

Will you shut up?

Is that a new song?

Okay, give me the rope.

What? What do you need a rope for?

Look, I don't have time to explain everything.

I don't know, now I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't do this.

I knew you'd back out.

Are we doing a bad thing?

Look at it this way: We drop the dog off

in front of somebody's house in the country.

They find it and adopt it.

Now the dog is prancing in the fields.

Dancing and prancing.

Fresh air, dandelions.

We're doing this dog a huge favor.

Yeah. Yeah.

[DOG BARKING]

That's him.

All right.

I'm goin' in.

Keep the car running.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

JERRY: Ready?

Uh...I don't really think I can go.

Uh...I don't really think I can go.

Oh. How come?

Well, I didn't tell Susan about it,

and she doesn't have anything else to do.

Ah, she can come.

Well, she doesn't really wanna see Firestorm.

Oh.

She, uh--

She wants to see The Muted Heart.

Oh, The Muted Heart.

Glenn Close. Sally Field.

That should be good.

Yeah.

Guess I'll see you later. Wait a second.

You know, we could share a cab.

You know, we could share a cab.

They're playing at the same Cineplex.

SUSAN: George, better get ready.

I am ready.

You're wearing that shirt?

Okay, I guess I'll see you down there.

Yeah. Take care.

ELAINE: What time you got?

Uh, nah, I don't wear a watch.

What do you do?

Well, I tell time by the sun.

How close do you get?

Well, I can guess within an hour.

[SCOFFS]

I can guess within the hour,

I can guess within the hour,

and I don't even have to look at the sun.

Well.

What about at night? What do you do then?

Well, night's tougher.

But it's only a couple of hours.

NEWMAN: Let's go.

Let's go. You got it?

What do you think? Drive! Drive!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Where is it? Where is it?

This?

This is the dog?

Yep.

But it's so small.

Yeah, but he's a fighter.

That can't be the dog.

Are you sure you got the right one?

Are you sure you got the right one?

You said the one in the second courtyard.

He was there. How could that be?

Get him to bark.

Yeah, yeah. I'll know it if it barks.

All right, bark.

Bark. Bark.

Bark. Bark!

ALL: Bark, bark, bark!

Yes, it was very, very good.

[SNIFFLES] Oh.

You think he'll ever find her again?

Oh, I sure hope so.

How about when Harrison Ford jumped out of that plane,

and he was shooting back at them as he was falling.

What about the underwater escape?

Oh, man!

Put something on the radio on.

Maybe there's a news report about her.

Let's dump it already. I'm getting antsy.

Think we're far enough away?

We're practically in Monticello.

Yeah.

Yeah, this looks right.

[GEAR THUMPS]

All right. Give me the dog.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

Okay, boy.

This is it.

This is your new home.

This is your new home.

[DOG GROWLING] Let go.

Let go of my shirt.

Let go of my shirt. This shirt is from Rudy's.

[FABRIC RIPPING]

Yahhh!

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Hey, MSG's rerunning the Yankee game.

You watchin' this? They are?

SUSAN: George, are you coming to bed?

I taped Mad About You.

Uh, yeah, I'll be there in a minute.

Uh, yeah, I'll be there in a minute.

What was that?

Uh...nothing. I gotta go.

Oh, Mattingly just singled.

You know, it was really very wrong of you

to back out on that deal.

I didn't make a deal. I just shook your hand.

Well, that's a deal where I come from.

We come from the same place.

SUSAN: George, I'm starting it.

[WHIMPERS] I gotta go.

[♪]

[DOG BARKING]

[WHIMPERS]

[BARKS]

Roxy, where have you been?

We've been worried sick about you.

Oh.

What's this?

Hmm. "Rudy's."

[DOG BARKING]

No.

No, it's impossible.

It's impossible.

ELAINE: I don't know.

I don't know how it happened. We were practically in Monticello.

How could that thing have found its way back?

There is no way.

Very strange.

I know.

So tell me, who was the big mastermind?

Oh. Tsk. I can't, Jerry.

I'm sworn to secrecy.

[POPS LIPS]

All right.

But then I can't tell you the big...news.

News?

What news?

Sorry.

What?

Whaaaaat?

All right, Elaine.

But this is beyond news.

This is like Pearl Harbor or the Kennedy assassination.

It's, like, not even news. It's total shock!

Oh, come on, Jerry.

Please, please, please, please, please!

George Costanza...

Yeah?

...is getting married!

Get out!

[CRASHING]

Hi.

You Cosmo Kramer?

Uh, yes. Yeah.

You recognize this piece of fabric?

Oh, yeah, that's-- What?

Nothing.

You're under arrest. Arrest?

I have a receipt for a rental car

with your signature,

including a report of some damage to the rear seat.

It seems as if the springs were so compressed

that they completely collapsed the right side.

Newman!

What took you so long?

What do you think they'll do to us?

Ah, don't worry about a thing.

In 20 minutes,

that place will be swarming with mailmen.

We'll be back on the street by lunch.

I gotta make some changes.

I'm not a woman.

I'm a child.

What kind of life is this?

[THEME FROM MAD ABOUT YOU PLAYING OVER TV]

[MOANS]

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart As much as you ♪

♪ Tell me all your secrets ♪

♪ And I'll tell you Most of mine ♪

♪ They say nobody's perfect ♪

♪ But that's really true This time ♪

♪ I don't have the answers ♪

♪ I don't have a plan ♪

♪ All I have is you ♪

♪ So darling help me Understand ♪

♪ So darling help me Understand ♪

♪ What we do ♪

[GIGGLES]