Original subtitles

Remember a few years ago in New York,

we had the doorman strike?

They have a union in the fancy buildings,

and they went out on strike.

Now, you would think, if any group of people

would not want to demonstrate

what life would be like without them,

it would be doormen.

"Let's see how they do without us."

There's no doorman, people open the door, they walk in.

You know.

I mean, whose gonna walk out next?

The guys that clean your windshield at the traffic light

with the dirty rag?

"We demand shorter yellows and longer reds."

"We demand shorter yellows and longer reds."

[♪]

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

May I help you?

Yeah, I'm just goin' up to see Elaine Benes.

Benes.

There's no one here by that name.

Oh, she's housesitting for Mr. Pitt.

Oh, a housesitter? Yeah.

What are you, the boyfriend?

Here for a...quickie?

Can I just go up?

Oh, I get it, why waste time

makin' small talk with the doorman?

I should just... shut up and do my job,

openin' the door for ya.

[CLEARS THROAT]

How 'bout those Knicks?

Oh, the sports page. Yeah.

Oh, the sports page. Yeah.

What makes you think I wasn't

reading the Wall Street page?

Oh, I know. I'm the uneducated doorman.

So you think your parents will get back together?

I hope so, I can't take him livin' with me much longer.

He makes this kasha, it stinks up the whole house.

Hey, George,

stick 'em up.

What? For these German tourists.

Pretend that I'm robbing you.

Why?

So these people can go back home

and tell their friends they saw a real New York mugging.

It'll give them a thrill.

It'll give them a thrill.

All right. Hands up, porky!

That's it. Now, gimme your wallet, huh?

You've got it in here, huh, fat boy?!

Is that all ya got?

Huh, is that all ya got?!

All right, that's enough!

I'll tell ya when it's enough!

All right, you better not say anything.

Or I'll stalk ya!

ELAINE: Where have you been?

We're gonna miss the movie. Let's go!

I am not going back down there.

I can't face that guy again.

What guy? The doorman!

What guy? The doorman!

I don't wanna play any more of his mind games.

What time does he get off?

Six, but then the night doorman comes on.

He's much scarier.

Bah!

Well, it's almost 6 now.

Can't we just wait till he goes home? Oh--

We'll still make the movie.

Okay, okay.

[SIGHS]

GEORGE: So, what did you do today, Dad?

Today, I went record shopping in Greenwich Village.

I bought this record, but I can't seem to find a hi-fi.

I bought this record, but I can't seem to find a hi-fi.

I don't have a hi-fi.

Didn't I give you my old record player?

I gave it to Cosmo.

Cosmo? Who's Cosmo?

I'm Cosmo.

Well, I want it back.

I want to listen to that cha-cha record.

One, two, cha-cha-cha.

All right, all right, can we go out and eat?

[HUMMING]

Lemme change my shirt.

Oh!

ELAINE: Jerry, it's 6.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Ah, that doorman's still millin' around outside.

He's very peculiar.

[PHONE RINGS]

No, don't--

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mr. Pitt.

Oh! Give that to me.

Hello, Mr. Pitt. How's Scotland?

Elaine! Are you having a party?

A party? Oh, no, that was just my stupid friend, Jerry.

All right, he just left. We can go.

Because there's to be no entertaining while I'm gone.

Believe me, we're not entertained.

We were just leaving.

Can you grab those empty bottles for me?

Can you grab those empty bottles for me?

I need to know what's in the mail.

Oh, well, Mr. Pitt, there's really nothing that can't wait.

We're trying to catch a movie.

Well, you better catch the later show,

because I need to know what's in the mail.

All right.

[TEARFULLY] I can't go.

Uh, the new TIME magazine.

The new People.

The new People.

PITT: Oh, who's on the cover?

Hey, buddy.

You?

Wh-what are you doing here? You work at this building too?

Oh, sure.

Poor doorman has to work two jobs

to put food on the table for mother and baby.

No, I live here.

That's okay, isn't it?

So you work all day as a doorman at one building,

then you come home and stand outside your own building?

Yeah.

You got a problem with that?

Look, I-I'm not goin' in your building.

I-I really don't have to talk to you.

I-I really don't have to talk to you.

Goodbye.

You really think you're better than me, don't ya?

GEORGE: So my father opened his shirt...

Yeah, and?

Tell him, Kramer.

He had breasts.

What do you mean, breasts?

Big breasts.

So what? A lot of older men have that.

No, not these.

These were real hooters.

These were real hooters.

I was throwin' up all night.

It's like my own personal Crying Game.

You know, maybe you're gonna get 'em too, George.

Yeah, that's right.

What--? What if it's a genetic thing?

You know, like father, like son.

But your father's not bald.

No, no, no, that skips a generation.

The baldness gene comes from your grandfather.

The baldness gene comes from your grandfather.

Then I suppose the bosom gene comes from your grandmother?

You know, Frank can't be too comfortable

with those things clangin' around.

He should wear something for support.

You mean, like a bra?

No, no. A bra is for ladies.

I'm talking about a support undergarment

specifically designed for men.

Boy, that brain never stops workin', does it?

That's right.

I'm gonna go noodle with this.

I'm gonna go noodle with this.

Hey!

We're twins.

What?!

Our shirts, they're the same.

Oh, heh. Imagine that.

What? What did you say to the doorman?

What? Nothing.

He claims that you followed him home

and started harassing him?

What, has this guy got a personal vendetta with me?

What did I do to him?

Because I asked him about the Knicks?

Because I asked him about the Knicks?

Hey, did you make the movie?

No.

You wanna go tonight? You can pick me up.

All right, can we go to a later show

so he's off his shift when I come by?

So now we have to rearrange our lives

to avoid the doorman?

Yes, we do.

What is wrong with George?

He's...tryin' to get something off his chest.

All right.

I've gotta try and talk my mother

into taking him off my hands.

into taking him off my hands.

Help you?

[GASPS]

Wh-what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be gone.

I traded shifts with the night doorman.

He had some personal affairs to attend to.

You see, my fellow doormen and I watch out for each other,

we don't stab each other in the back like people in your world.

Look, I don't want any trouble.

I don't have a doorman in my building.

I guess I'm just not used to talking to them.

I'd really just like to be friends.

You wanna be friends?

I'd like to be.

I'd like to be.

Then watch the door for a minute, would ya?

What?

I wanna run and get a beer. I'll be back in a minute.

Wait, wait, wait a sec. What do I do?

It's not brain surgery.

Open the door for people who live here.

If they don't, don't let them in.

Here.

Wear this.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Hey, hey, wait a second.

Hey, hello!

Hey, hello!

Hey, hey, hey, wait a second, you live here?

Of course I live here.

I've lived here for 20 years.

Now, if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police

and have you arrested.

All right, all right.

You think you're better than me?

You gotta sign for it.

Oh, right.

Hey, how 'bout those Knicks, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[SIGHS]

Ah...

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey.

I, uh, brought back your record player.

Oh, thank you, Kramer. Yeah.

Put it over there.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

So, how you feelin'?

A little tired.

Uh-huh. Does your back hurt?

How did you know?

How did you know?

Well, it's obvious.

You're carrying a lot of extra baggage up there.

Up here?

Oh, yeah, top floor.

You see, Frank...

have you ever considered wearing something for support?

Now, look at this.

Mind you, this is just a prototype.

You want me to wear a bra?

No, no. A bra is for ladies.

Meet...the Bro.

So is your father excited about coming home?

So is your father excited about coming home?

George.

Hey, Mom, wh-what kind of woman was Grandma?

All of a sudden you're interested in your grandmother?

Well, you know, you get to a certain point

you wanna know about your roots.

Well, she was a lovely woman.

Yeah.

What about physically?

Physically?

Yeah, you know, what did she look like?

Well, you've seen pictures.

You can't tell much from those pictures.

Tell what?

Was she a...?

Was she a big woman?

Big? No. She was my height.

Bosomy?

Bosomy?

You wanna know if your grandmother was bosomy?

Oh, heh, no. I was just wondering.

The information could be relevant.

Where do you get your genes from?!

[QUIETLY] That's what I'd like to know.

I can't believe you left your post.

He left me there.

He left me there.

You see? The mind games?

Hey, what's--? What's--? What's goin' on here?

Somebody stole the couch out of the lobby.

Where's the doorman?

How come someone wasn't watching the door?

[WHISPERS] Jerry, let's get out of here!

[LIVELY CHA-CHA MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, my God.

What were you doing watching the door, anyway?

He asked me to. We were gettin' along.

You know, my fingerprints are all over this.

That doorman knows you're a friend of mine.

He'll tell that co-op lady,

she'll tell Mr. Pitt.

Jerry, I'm in this too deep.

Don't you find it odd that as soon as he leaves,

the couch gets stolen?

Maybe he's settin' me up.

All right, shut up, shut up,

Just let me think. I gotta think.

We gotta get our story straight.

All right, what if we say--?

All right, here it is.

This is what we'll tell 'em.

This is what we'll tell 'em.

You came to pick me up.

I came to pick you up.

Yeah, that's what I just said.

No, I was just...

I know you were just, it's not helping.

All right. Well, just start again.

Okay, you came to pick me up--

Right.

You see? Again.

What? I said "right."

All right, you came right upstairs

without talking to the doorman.

But the doorman's gonna say that I was there!

So what? No one's gonna believe a doorman!

But I don't know if this is gonna work.

Just stick with the story, we'll be fine! Let me do the talking.

Just stick with the story, we'll be fine! Let me do the talking.

Okay.

Good, now fix me a drink.

KRAMER: How's that feel?

This feels very comfortable.

Ya see?

I feel ten years younger.

Yeah, and your posture's a lot better.

Look at you!

And I can breathe easier, too.

I told you! Now, Frank, listen. Here's what I'm thinking.

Now, you have a friend in the bra business, right?

Of course, Sid Farkus. He's the best in the business.

Here's our chance. What do ya say?

It'll be me, you, and the Bro, bro.

Let's do it!

Except we gotta do something about the name.

Why? What's wrong with Bro?

No, Bro's no good. Too ethnic.

You got something better?

How 'bout, uh...

the Mansiere?

Mansiere.

That's right.

A brassiere for a man.

The Mansiere. Get it?

Well...

you scared her off.

We may never see Mom again.

Hey, George, what do ya like better?

The Bro or the Mansiere?

The Bro or the Mansiere?

Dad...

we need to talk.

DOORMAN: I had to use the bathroom,

so I asked this guy to watch the door for a few minutes.

Why should I believe you?

Actually...

it was her friend.

I was just speaking to the doorman, here,

about the couch robbery.

Oh, really?

Oh, really?

The doorman.

[CHUCKLES]

And, pray tell, what did the doorman say?

He said he asked a friend of yours to watch the door.

Oh, my. Well.

The doorman certainly has a wild imagination, doesn't he?

Well, what do we have here?

Perhaps Ms. Benes can explain

why a Jerry Seinfeld signed for this package

at the exact same time the couch was stolen?

He never watched a door before, Mrs. Payton.

He never watched a door before, Mrs. Payton.

He didn't know how to do it!

You know, he's a comedian, Mrs. Payton.

They don't know how to do anything!

Don't you see what's going on here?

He set us up!

He's playing all these mind games!

JERRY: They're saying I'm responsible for the couch?

There was nothing I could do.

He said he had a Federal Express slip with your signature on it.

Diabolical!

He thought of everything.

He was setting me up from day one.

Is it possible we were victims of a sting?

Is it possible we were victims of a sting?

I'm sure he's having a good laugh over this

with his doorman buddies.

[LAUGHTER]

So you didn't even want the couch?

No! I was just messin' with his head.

[ALL LAUGHING]

And they think they're better than us!

[ALL LAUGHING]

ELAINE: Anyway, Jerry...

Jerry.

We have to replace the couch.

Now we have to buy a new couch?

Not necessarily.

Why don't you take back the couch you gave me?

Why don't you take back the couch you gave me?

The one with the Poppie stain?

Yeah, sure.

Then my father will have no place to sleep.

He's gotta move out!

But it's got a pee stain on it.

No, the cushion's turned over.

I guess...

Yeah! You get a couch, I get rid of my father.

It couldn't be more perfect.

Now, it's called the Bro.

Or the Mansiere.

Yeah, but I prefer the Bro.

I like Mansiere.

Well, I have to tell you...

it's a very interesting idea.

You know, selling bras exclusively to woman,

You know, selling bras exclusively to woman,

we're really only utilizing 50% of the market.

That's what we figured, huh?

I told you.

And to be perfectly frank...

I've always felt I could use some support.

I know when I'm wearing Ban-Lon...

there appears to be some jiggling.

I wouldn't be caught dead in Ban-Lon.

So, what do you see in the back?

Hooks? Velcro?

Uh... Definitely Velcro.

Oh, yeah. Say you're

getting intimate with a woman, uh...

getting intimate with a woman, uh...

you don't want her fumbling and struggling back there.

I think we've all experienced that.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Summer nights.

[SIGHS]

Well, I still have to talk about this

to Mr. De Granmont. KRAMER: Of course, yes.

But barring any unforeseen developments,

gentlemen, I think we're sitting on a winner.

All right, good.

Frank...

I want to tell you how sorry I am

I want to tell you how sorry I am

to hear about you and Estelle separating.

Oh, thank you Sid, but that's all in the past.

I'm ready to move on.

I've always been very fond of Estelle.

Beautiful woman.

I, uh-- I hope you don't think this is out of line

but would it be okay with you if I were to ask her out?

You wanna go out with my wife?

Where do you get the nerve to ask me something like that?!

No, Frank, I'm just saying--

I know what you're saying,

and I know what you're thinking!

Come on, Cosmo. No, Frank!

I'm not doing business with this guy.

I'm not doing business with this guy.

Frank! Frank!

GEORGE: Jerry took the couch back.

He took it back?

Didn't you tell him I was using it?

Oh, I pleaded with him.

Where am I supposed to sleep?

Well, I... I took the liberty

of packing your things.

Mom's coming to get you.

I thought Jerry didn't want that couch

because of the stain.

What stain?

Oh, you didn't notice?

It has a pee stain.

You had me sleeping on a pee-stained couch?

No. No, no, no.

No. No, no, no.

The cushion was turned over.

But the very idea, you had me lying in urine!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Ah, there's Mom! There's Mom.

Is it safe to come in?

Oh, of course. Of course.

You're not having any of your transvestite parties?

Will you stop it?

I lived with him for 40 years.

I never saw him trying on my underwear.

As soon as he leaves the house,

he turns into J. Edgar Hoover.

Here, Cosmo. Oh, hey.

You can have the hi-fi, I don't need it, now.

I got one at home.

All right, let's go.

We'll go out for dinner tonight.

I can't tonight. I'm busy.

What do ya mean, busy?

I'm having dinner with someone.

With whom?

Sid Farkas.

Sid Farkas?

You're not havin' dinner with a bra salesman.

Hey,

he only sells them. He doesn't wear 'em.

Okay, that's it.

I'm not comin' home.

I'm not comin' home.

But you can't stay here! There's no place to sleep!

We'll work somethin' out.

[♪]

Stop him!

Ja, ja, ja! It's him!

Stop that man!

It's him!

Somebody stop him.

Please, quick!

Please, quick!

Stop, it's him!

I know! I know!

Help, stop him!

Hey, that record player is not yours.

No, look, somebody gave it to me.

You're a thief. We have proof.

What is that?

It's the first upper-body support undergarment

specifically designed for men.

How does it connect in the back?

With a hook?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Here.

Velcro.

[SPEAKS GERMAN]

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

It fits good, huh?

Well, I suppose it'll have to do.

It's a beautiful couch.

It's hardly been used.

Poppie!

Well, hello, Jerry.

What are you doing here?

Visiting my friend.

Hey, how ya feelin', Poppie?

Much better, much better.

The doctors say I cannot have no aggravation.

So I sell the restaurant.

So I sell the restaurant.

I just take it easy.

See, if I get excited, that's aggravate my condition.

The last time I got aggravated was in the restaurant.

With your friend.

She started a big fight about abortion.

It's you!

It's you!

What?

You! I...

I...

I gotta sit down.

No, Poppie! No!

No, Poppie!

No, Poppie!

[♪]

Kasha?

No, thanks, Dad.

No, thanks, Dad.