Original subtitles

The love seat is an interesting little item there.

I guess some guy thought, "If we can't get them to sit closer,

why not just shorten the furniture?"

My other favorite furniture brand is the La-Z-Boy.

This is very flattering to the prospective customer,

isn't it?

Why don't we just call it "the half-conscious dead beat

with no job, home all day, eating Cheetos

and watching TV" recliner.

And it goes back so far, that thing.

I mean, go to bed already. It's over. You're wiped.

JERRY: So she got you to join a book club?

I got a feeling I'm gonna be

much smarter than you pretty soon.

Well, I think that statement alone

reflects your burgeoning intelligence.

Hey, what about this one?

No, I don't like that one.

So, what's your first book?

Breakfast at Tiffany's. 90 pages.

It's kind of old, isn't it?

They wanted to read a Truman Capote book.

Oh, sure. Truman Capote.

Yeah, he's a great writer. Oh, yeah.

Did you ever read anything by him?

Did you ever read anything by him?

No, you?

Nah.

Oh, what about this one?

Look at this. This is it.

This is what I'm looking for.

Oh, yeah.

ELAINE: Hey, what's going on?

New couch, baby.

New couch? Why?

I love this couch.

You know what the best part about it is?

It doesn't fold out, so no one can sleep over.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Oh, let me get the door for you.

Ooh, be careful, be careful.

Wait till you see it.

It's perfect.

The guy told me it's one of a kind.

They stopped making it.

What are you doing with your old couch?

Nothing, the moving guys are taking it.

Why, you want it? Yeah, I'll take it.

Oh, I'm sure they can deliver it to your apartment.

Yes, they can.

Hey, couch is coming?

It's here.

All right, yeah.

You know, I'm excited about this, Jerry.

In a way I feel like I'm getting a new couch.

In a way I feel like I'm getting a new couch.

Yeah, so do I.

Ooh, you remember Poppie?

Oh, you mean from Poppie's Restaurant?

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, uh, we're going into business together.

You remember that idea I had a few years ago

about the pizza place where you make your own pizza?

Yeah. What was that again?

It's a pizza place

where you make your own pie.

We give you the dough, the sauce, the cheese.

You pound it, slap it. You flip it up into the air,

put your toppings on, and you slide it into oven.

Sounds good, huh?

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Ooh, I can't wait to get me a fella

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Ooh, I can't wait to get me a fella

and make my own pie.

What made you resurrect that old idea?

Well, I happened to be eating at Poppie's

when I told him the old idea,

and his eyes... just lit up.

You know, he wants to back it.

I heard Poppie's was good.

Let's go. I'm not going there.

Didn't he get busted by the board of health?

Well, that was in the past, Jerry.

As it happens, New York magazine

just judged his kitchen

to be one of the cleanest in the city.

They got a duck there--

You think you died and went to heaven.

You think you died and went to heaven.

Ooh, I love duck.

Come on, come on.

Well, you gotta order it two days in advance.

You know, I'm gonna call him.

I'm gonna order the duck for you.

Oh, Kramer--

Right there, guys.

That's perfect.

Huh?

What do you think, Lainie?

Well, I don't know.

I'll have to sit on it.

Oh no, I don't want anyone sitting on it.

Sign here.

Excuse me.

Um, I was wondering if it would be possible

Um, I was wondering if it would be possible

if you could deliver the old couch

to my apartment. It's not very far.

Sure. Okay.

You, uh-- You got room in the truck for me?

Uh, heh, heh.

Yeah, I think we can squeeze you in.

Oh, goody. Okay.

Well, uh...

I'll see you chumps later.

Did you offer those guys a drink?

Uh, no. Should I have?

What kind of a person are you?

I don't know.

GEORGE: Okay. Breakfast at Tiffany's.

So, he puts the couch down,

and just as he's about to leave,

he says, "Do you date moving men?"

Uh-huh.

You wanna know what I said?

Oh, I can't wait.

"I do now."

Clever. Is that something?

Clever. Is that something?

Yes. Is that something?

You're something.

So, anyway, when they were in my house before--

Yeah?

--I didn't offer them anything to drink.

Well, they're real men, Jerry. They get sweaty.

So anyone sweaty comes into your house

has to be offered a drink?

Yes.

Well, would you apologize for me.

Mm-hm.

Hello.

Jerry, so good to see you again.

Hello...Poppie.

This is Elaine.

This is Elaine.

Nice to meet you, Poppie.

Let me show you to your table, huh?

Okay.

Your duck is a-cookin' as we speak.

It is so succulent, so succulent.

Well, Kramer told us all about your business venture together.

Your friend and I are gonna make a lot of money, huh?

Ha, ha.

Of course, I already have a lot of money.

Poppie does very well.

Very well.

Well, your mother must be very proud of you.

Well, your mother must be very proud of you.

My mother was taken from my house

by the communists in the middle of the night

when I was 10 years old.

She was sent to a slave labor camp,

where she labored for 12 years.

Finally, they released her,

and she was on a boat to America

to reunite with us.

But she was served some bad fish,

and she died on the high seas.

and she died on the high seas.

So, what's good tonight?

Boy, I'm really looking forward

to this duck.

I've never had food

ordered in advance before.

Meh, I could have stayed home

and ordered a pizza from Pokeno's.

Pokeno's?

Pokeno's?

Oh, no, you should never order pizza from Pokeno's.

Why not?

Because the owner

contributes a lot of money

to those fanatical anti-abortion groups.

So you won't eat the pizza?

Uh-uh, no way.

Really? Yeah.

Well, what if, uh, Poppie felt the same way?

Well, I...

I guess I wouldn't eat here then.

Really?

Yeah, that's right.

Well, perhaps we should inquire.

Poppie!

Oh, Poppie.

Could I have a word?

Could I have a word?

Yes, Jerry.

I just checked your duck.

It is more succulent than even I had hoped.

Oh.

Poppie, I was just curious.

Where do you stand on the abortion issue?

When my mother was abducted by the communists,

she was with a child.

Oh, boy. But the communists,

they put an end to that.

So on this issue, there is no debate.

And no intelligent person can think differently.

Well, Poppie, I think differently.

And what gives you the right to do that?

The Supreme Court gives me the right to do that.

The Supreme Court gives me the right to do that.

Let's go, Jerry, come on.

I heard that. Let's go, Henry.

We just got here.

I'm with you, Poppie.

Let's go.

And I am not coming back.

You're not welcome!

Well, I'm certainly glad I brought it up.

JERRY: Well, you should have seen it.

It us quite a scene over there.

I'm sorry I missed it.

I'm sorry I missed it.

Oh, you really missed something.

And I have to say,

it was pretty much all my fault.

[LAUGHS]

So, how's the book coming?

I said, how's the book coming?

Oh, pretty good.

So, what's it about?

Well, it's about Holly Golightly.

Holly Golightly?

She's quite a character.

Yeah. You haven't read a page, have you?

No. Yeah.

Big surprise.

I couldn't.

You know, if it's not about sports,

You know, if it's not about sports,

I find it very hard to concentrate.

You're not very bright, are you?

No, I'm not.

I would like to be, but I'm not.

Well, what am I gonna do?

The book club meets in a few days.

Why don't you rent the movie.

Why don't I rent the movie.

You see, this is when I like you.

All right, now I'm relieved.

So...

How was the dinner last night?

Oh, well...

Oh, well...

Did you enjoy the duck?

Oh, Elaine, I was just asking

how dinner went last night.

Oh, well...

All right, what did you do to Poppie?

Nothing.

Well, he's in the hospital,

and the cook said says you put him there.

What's wrong with him?

I don't know.

I'm gonna go and visit him later.

It would be nice if you got him something.

[KNOCKS TABLE]

We should get him something.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, you're right.

Do you know that I have been using

the same bottle of shampoo for a year,

and I shampoo every day.

So, what do you think of my conversation?

Not much.

I-I would have invited you up,

but I, uh-- I don't have any furniture.

You don't have any furniture?

No, I hate furniture. I can't look at it.

Oh, I can understand that.

I'm a pretty good date, huh?

Yeah. No heavy lifting.

KRAMER: Anyway, Jerry and Elaine felt very badly

about what happened to you,

and they wanted you to have this.

What's this?

What's this?

A bottle of wine and five-alarm chili.

They're trying to kill Poppie?

Why?

Well, don't they know I have a gastrointestinal disorder.

If I would have any of this, I would die.

Then Poppie is no good to anyone.

This is a sick, sick joke on Poppie.

How could you be friends with those two?

Well, we're not very close.

They owe me for those ducks.

Yeah.

They're flown in from Newfoundland.

They're flown in from Newfoundland.

Oh, they got good ducks there, huh?

Oh, very good ducks.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I'm in love!

Whoa.

This is it, Jerry. This is it!

He is such an incredible person.

He's real. He's honest. He's unpretentious.

Oh, I'm really lucky.

Did you tell him I was sorry I didn't offer him the drink?

No, I forgot.

The best part is, he doesn't play games, you know?

There are no games.

There are no games.

No games?

What is the point of dating without games?

How do you know if you're winning or losing?

Well, all I know is, he doesn't like games,

and he doesn't play games.

You know, he has too much character and integrity.

Uh-huh.

And what is his stand on abortion?

What?

What is his stand... on abortion?

Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.

How do you know?

Because he...

Well...

He's just so good-looking.

Well, you should probably ask.

Because if he's gonna be coming over

with those Pokeno's pizzas, it could be trouble.

GEORGE: I'd like to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's.

Uh, this is out. Someone has it.

Uh, this is out. Someone has it.

Out? Oh, no.

I've been to four other places.

You're the only ones that have had it.

I could put it on reserve for you

if you'd like.

Maybe we could call them

and ask them to return it.

Oh, sorry. We can't do that.

Well, maybe they're done with it.

I could go pick it up.

I don't think so.

It doesn't work that way.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

MAN [ON INTERCOM]: Yes?

Um, excuse me, are you Joel Temple?

Yes.

Uh... Yes. Uh, you don't know me.

Uh, my name is George Costanza.

Did you happen to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's?

Hey. Hey, what's happening?

Yeah, well, you know, Poppie's over my place.

You know, tonight's the big night.

You know, tonight's the big night.

I'm gonna make the first test pizza at the restaurant.

Oh, hey, you got a regular Manhattan Project

going over there. Yeah.

Anyway, he's about to leave.

He wants the duck money.

Oh, okay. Hi, Poppie.

Hello.

I'm sorry about the gift.

I didn't know about your condition.

That's fine.

If you just give me my duck money,

I'll be on my way.

Okay, I'll get it.

Why don't you sit down, Poppie.

You're still recuperating.

Ah.

Oh, you tired, Poppie?

No.

Hey, Poppie.

You really think people wanna make they're own pizza?

Kramer, did I ever tell you about my mother?

My mother--

Here you go.

Anyway, I'm, uh, sorry again about the--

The... The what?

The...

Okay, Poppie. The...

The...

So, so long, huh?

I'll see you tonight.

I'll see you tonight.

All right.

Kra-- Kramer, w-what is this?

What is what?

This puddle on my sofa. What puddle?

Th-that puddle!

I don't know.

Is it?

Could it?

Could-- Could he have...?

It is!

Poppie peed on my sofa!

You sure?

You sure?

Well, what is it then?

My new sofa!

Poppie peed on my new sofa!

I'm sure it'll come out.

I don't care if it comes out,

I can't sit on that anymore.

You're making too much of it.

Yeah, you're right.

Just a natural human function.

Happens to be on my sofa...

instead of the toilet, where it would normally be.

Right.

GEORGE: Well, anyway the book club meets tomorrow, Mr. Temple.

Well, I was gonna watch it with my daughter.

She likes Audrey Hepburn very much.

Yeah, she was a delicate flower.

Why didn't you just read the book?

Well, as I say, the, uh, pinkeye

made my vision quite blurry.

Remy.

Uh, this is George.

Would you mind if he watched

Breakfast at Tiffany's with us?

CARL: Hi.

Hi.

I missed you.

Oh, I missed you.

I don't remember

the last time I felt this way.

Me either.

I think about you all the time.

You do? Do you think about me?

Oh, yeah, all the time.

All the time.

Although...recently I've been thinking

about this friend of mine.

What friend?

Oh, just this woman.

She got impregnated

by her troglodytic half-brother

by her troglodytic half-brother

and decided to have an abortion.

You know, someday we're gonna get

enough people in the Supreme Court

to change that law.

So anything to, uh, nosh?

What did you want?

Popcorn.

Popcorn.

Popcorn?

Where do you think you are?

Well, a lot of people keep popcorn in the house.

Well, we don't.

You might wanna try it.

Makes the movie more enjoyable, that's all.

Here's some nuts.

Oh, nuts! Excellent.

You know what I love?

How there's two nuts named after people.

Hazel and filbert.

Can we watch the movie now, Daddy?

Can we watch the movie now, Daddy?

Hey, let's turn off the lights,

get some real movie atmosphere.

The lights are fine.

KRAMER: See, everybody can do this.

Yeah.

No, no, use your wrist.

It's all in the wrist.

Oh, yeah. Whoa!

Not too high!

Aha, yeah.

Very good. That's very good.

All right.

Sauce on here.

[MUMBLES IN ITALIAN]

Some cheese.

Some cheese.

Not too much.

And...cucumbers.

Wait a second. What is that?

It's cucumbers. No, no, no.

You can't put cucumbers on pizza.

Well, why not? I like cucumbers.

That's not a pizza.

It'll taste terrible.

Yeah, but that's the idea. You make your own pie.

Yes, but we cannot give the people

the right to choose any topping they want.

Now, on this issue, there can be no debate.

What gives you the right to tell me

how I would make my pie?

Because it's a pizza!

It's not a pizza till it comes out of the oven.

It's not a pizza till it comes out of the oven.

It's a pizza the moment

you put your fists in the dough.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

["MOON RIVER" PLAYS ON TELEVISION]

I'm home.

Hey, honey. Hi, Mom.

Hi, baby.

Hello.

Breakfast at Tiffany's?

Yeah.

Well, I just came back from Angela's.

It's not looking very good for Duncan.

It's not looking very good for Duncan.

Oh, that's too bad.

Yeah, the doctor thinks it's just a matter of time.

GEORGE: Ahem.

Joe...

Could you?

Poor guy.

I hate to see him suffer like this.

Yeah.

I'm-- I'm sorry.

I hate to be one of those people,

but we're right in the middle of this thing.

I can't hear.

Who are you?

This is George Costanza.

It's just very hard to follow with all the talking.

I'll pause it, okay?

Any more grape juice?

Who is this guy?

He's in some book club.

And what's he doing here?

Cheating on his test.

[HUMMING "MOON RIVER"]

So, uh, are we watching the movie,

or are we still talking?

Okay, come on, let's go.

What?

What?

Come on, you took my seat.

It's not your seat.

I was-- I was sitting there, come on.

You didn't save it.

I had the arm.

Joe?

What's the difference?

Well, I was very comfortable.

I've got my nuts here.

It's my couch.

All right, come on, come on, scootch over.

Wait.

Daddy, make him move!

Oh!

Look! Look what you did!

Look! Look what you did!

You got grape juice all over our couch.

You ruined our couch!

Joe.

Oh, my God.

You see?

So, are you gonna get a new couch?

Well, I guess I have no choice.

What-- Do you want your old couch back?

I was hoping you'd offer.

Yeah?

CARL: It's the movers.

Okay.

Who's that?

Your boyfriend, he's taking it out.

Your boyfriend, he's taking it out.

No, he's not my boyfriend.

Why?

Take a guess.

Oh, really.

Uh-huh. Ha, ha, ha.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, Carl, I also need you

to go to Elaine's

and bring my old couch back.

Today? Could you?

Sure.

What are you doing with this couch?

George is taking it.

Did you tell him it was peed on?

He said he doesn't care.

He'll just turn the cushion over.

CARL: I'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine.

CARL: I'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine.

Yeah, me too.

It's just too bad.

Yeah, it is.

Well, I better get this couch

back to Jerry's.

Can I offer you anything to drink?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, all I've got is grape juice.

Throw it.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

The couch!

She didn't want the constraints

of any relationship.

That's why she got rid of the cat.

The most important thing in Holly's life

was her independence.

Well, not really.

After all, she did get together

with George Peppard.

I mean, Fred.

George, Fred's gay.