Original subtitles

There's something insincere about these greeting cards

that we send to each other all the time.

They're like these paper, emotional prostitutes, isn't it?

I don't know what my feelings are,

so I'll pay some total stranger a buck

to make up this Hallmark hooker to do job for me.

So I can go, "I didn't write this, but whatever they wrote,

I think the same thing."

Wouldn't it be better if we just had one card

that covered every occasion for everybody in one shot?

Just: "Happy birthday, merry Christmas, happy anniversary,

Just: "Happy birthday, merry Christmas, happy anniversary,

congratulations, it's a boy and our deepest sympathies.

Signed, the whole office."

ELAINE: She was hitting on you?

My friend, Noreen?

Your friend, Noreen.

You're not just flattering yourself?

If I was flattering myself, I think I'd come up with

someone a little less annoying than Noreen.

I cannot believe she was hitting on you.

If you don't believe me, ask her.

I will.

Besides, she's got a boyfriend, Jerry, you know him: Dan.

Remember we went to that party at his house?

Right, the guy who talks with the really high voice.

Jerry, did you get my Fortune magazine in your mail?

Check the pile.

Oh.

Ooh, who sent you a card?

I don't know. Open it.

It's from Hallmark.

Oh.

Hello, my love.

Hello, darling.

Isn't that cute?

A thank-you card from Kristin.

Here, let me see.

Who's Kristin?

She works for PBS.

I met her when I agreed to do that pledge drive.

Did you ask her about me? Yeah.

In fact, she said you could be one of those people

In fact, she said you could be one of those people

that sits in the back and answers the phone.

Giddy up.

All right. So, now, how does that work?

I get a percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?

No. It's not aluminum siding. It's volunteer work.

All the money goes to the station. Uh-huh.

Okay. Yeah, all right.

That sounds good, but I still get a tote bag though.

And one of those foam beer can holders.

Ooh. Hmm-hm, honk.

You know what I'm doing?

I'm calling Noreen. Oh, go ahead.

You sure you don't mind? Like she's really gonna admit

You sure you don't mind? Like she's really gonna admit

she was flirting with me.

[RINGING]

WOMAN: Hello?

Hi, it's Elaine.

Listen, I was just talking to Jerry.

Jerry?

Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, I like Jerry a lot.

You mean "like" like?

What are you talking about?

Noreen,

were you hitting on him?

Noreen's not here.

This is Dan.

Oooh!

You say Noreen was hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?

You say Noreen was hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?

I'll-- I'll call you back later.

Uh-oh... So, was I right?

She likes me, right?

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

It's for you.

Must you keep giving my number out?

Oh. I'm sorry, Mr. Pitt.

Hello?

Elaine, what is going on?

Elaine, what is going on?

Why did you tell Dan I was hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?

Is this Noreen?

What would possess you to make up a story like that?

Listen, Jerry mentioned it, and I didn't--

I think I deserve an explanation.

Ahh, Noreen, are you crying?

No, this is Dan.

Oh. Hi, Dan.

Elaine. Um.

Work.

Uh, tell Noreen I'll call her back later.

Uh, tell Noreen I'll call her back later.

Who was crying?

No one. I'm sorry, Mr. Pitt.

T-that won't happen again.

I'm sure it won't.

But someone was crying, and I want to know who it was.

ELAINE: Well, it's a long story. Okay.

But my stupid friend, Jerry, told my other friend, Noreen,

that she was--

You know, hitting on him.

And so I called her to see...what was going on.

And so I called her to see...what was going on.

And I accidentally got her boyfriend, who is this...

You know...

"I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I tell jokes for a living,

"but there's no joking about the financial crisis at PBS.

Show us you care. Call in your pledge now."

Jerry, I'm so grateful that you're doing this.

Oh, I know you are.

You got the card I sent? I did.

So where is it?

So where is it?

What?

The card?

Is this it, in the trash?

No.

This is my card.

You threw it away?

Well--

I put a lot of thought into this card.

You signed your name and addressed the envelope.

It's not like you painted the picture and wrote the poem.

Fine.

Fine.

I gotta get back to the office.

Why? Because I threw the card out?

How long was I supposed to save it?

You have no sentimentality.

I have sentimentality.

Really, I'm sentimental.

Here, look. Here's some cards I've saved.

These are birthday cards from my grandmother.

See, I'm not a bad guy.

You save her cards but not mine.

Oh, great.

But you see, I saved something.

See, I can save.

I'll see you at the pledge drive, okay?

Well... New cards, huh?

Well... New cards, huh?

No, they're old cards from my grandmother.

Well, I'll tell you, a nice greeting card

can really lift a person's spirits.

Yeah.

Oh. Ooh. A check?

She puts $10 in every card for my birthday.

That's why I save them.

There's a check in all these?

Why don't you cash them.

I don't know, it's $10.

Yeah, but you got a whole pile here.

1987?

Oh, so what?

Jerry, your grandmother gave you this gift.

She wants to you to spend the money,

She wants to you to spend the money,

to have the fun that she can't have.

This is tantamount to a slap in the face.

Oh, get out of here.

Jerry, a gift not enjoyed

is like a flower that doesn't blossom.

All right, all right, I'll cash the checks.

JERRY: It was a thank-you card from Kristin

because I'm doing the PBS drive.

I mean, how long am supposed to keep it?

Rules are minimum of two days.

You making that up or you know what you're talking about?

I'm making it up.

I'm making it up.

I mean, really?

What is the point of saving it?

I could see if I had a mantel.

Well, a mantel is a whole different story.

Absolutely.

If my parents had a mantel,

I might be a completely different person.

So anyway, she's kind of upset about it,

so I need you to do me a favor.

Let's have it.

Well, I'm doing the PBS drive, so during the show

they're gonna be running the Ken Burns baseball thing.

So I thought if I could get a baseball player

to come on the show with me...

You want me to ask one of the Yankees?

You want me to ask one of the Yankees?

Could you?

All right. I'll run it by a few of people.

Do your thing, where you lie to everyone.

I should never have made that phone call.

Hey, did you ever get to talk to Noreen?

Yes, she's very upset.

So was I right about the flirting?

Was it true? I don't know.

I never asked. She was yelling--

Who was flirting with you?

Remember when we were in the book store,

that woman came up to us?

She wasn't flirting with you.

She wasn't flirting with you.

Oh, sure, she was.

Asked me where the humor section was.

Humor?

Come on.

Jerry, her brother just had

a book of political cartoons published.

[LAUGHING]

All right, so, maybe she wasn't flirting with me.

So what?

Oh, yeah, that's funny.

Hey, you wanna hear something weird?

Hey, you wanna hear something weird?

Mr. Pitt eats his Snickers bars...

with a knife and fork.

Really?

Yes.

Why does he do that?

Probably doesn't wanna get chocolate on his fingers.

That's the way these society types eat their candy bars.

Oh, you know.

What? You think I eat all my meals with you?

Ahem. Excuse me, sweetheart?

I think you may have overcharged us.

I think you may have overcharged us.

Um...what is this?

That's the extra toast. Get it?

Got it.

Did you just see what happened here?

What?

Did you see the way she pointed at the check?

She gave me the finger.

That's how waitress types express derision.

They don't wanna get their mouths dirty.

They don't wanna get their mouths dirty.

GEORGE: So? What do you think?

PBS fundraiser?

I'm not gonna waste any of the players time with that.

Besides, the team already does so much promotion

for channel 11.

Channel 11?

Forgive me for trying to class up this place,

trying to have the Yankees reach another strata of society

that might not watch Channel 11.

What the hell are you doing?

I am eating my dessert.

How do you eat it?

With your hands?

You know, maybe George has something here about PBS.

Okay, 60 bucks from Nana.

Oh!

Huh?

Yeah.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Hello. This is Chemical Bank.

Just wanted you to know your checking account is overdrawn.

Chemical Bank?

I haven't used that account in months.

Well, someone's been cashing the checks,

and you're overdrawn.

Oh, dear.

I'll be down there first thing in the morning.

BANKER: Wait, we can do this over the phone.

[BUZZING]

You got Danny Tartabull?

You wanted a Yankee, I got you a Yankee.

Boy, you really came through.

Kristin's gonna be thrilled.

Hey, the bull owes me one.

I help him with his swing.

So you're bringing Danny Tartabull

to the fundraiser tonight?

Absolutely. Hee-hee.

Pending approval of the script.

Excuse me?

Jerry, I'm Yankee management.

Jerry, I'm Yankee management.

Yeah, I'd like to see the script too.

You're just answering phones.

To put me at ease.

Hey, when when you order from the waitress,

get her to point to the menu.

I wanna see what finger she uses.

Uh, say, I wanted a side order of fruit,

but I didn't see it on the menu.

You're getting it. It comes with your breakfast.

Right you are.

I didn't get the special,

but I would also like the fresh fruit too.

I'll check.

I don't believe it.

She did it again.

Oh, she had an itch.

Had an itch. She could have used

any of her fingers.

That finger was for me.

Well, yeah. She knew what she was doing.

By the way, lunch is on me.

I just cashed my nana's birthday checks.

[SIRENS WAILING]

Looking for somethin', lady?

Looking for somethin', lady?

Isn't the Chemical Bank on this block?

The bank?

It burned.

It's gone.

Oh, dear.

What you wanna do is go down to 49th Street.

That's the main customer service branch.

Ask for Mr. Fleming.

He'll help you.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

UNCLE LEO: Jerry, hello.

Uncle Leo.

Listen, I don't wanna alarm you, but your nana is missing.

Nana is missing?

I came to pick her up for a doctor's appointment.

She wasn't here.

I called the doctor.

Nobody knows where she is.

She hasn't left the apartment in 25 years.

I-I've been thinking about her.

I-I've been thinking about her.

I just cashed her checks.

That's right you did.

What kind of checks?

I think Chemical Bank.

Oh, they were Chemical. Chemical?

She hasn't used that account since her branch closed.

What are you doing cashing her checks anyway?

Well, Kramer thought it would make her happy.

I never should have cashed those checks.

Hey, I didn't twist your arm.

Your grandmother's on a very fixed income.

What are you, broke?

Just call me if you hear anything.

Well, I cash the checks.

The checks bounce, and now my nana is missing.

Well, don't look at me.

It's your fault. My fault?

Your nana is missing because she's been passing

those bum checks all over town,

and she finally pissed off the wrong people!

So, anyway, it's caused a lot of problems.

Dan thinks I'm interested in Jerry.

Dan thinks I'm interested in Jerry.

He won't let up.

I'm really sorry, but you can see

why I'd make a mistake like that.

No, why?

Well, you know, because he's a high talker.

He does raise his voice occasionally, but that's normal.

No. No, no, no. Not a loud talker, a high talker.

Really?

You don't think his voice sounds a lot like yours?

You don't think his voice sounds a lot like yours?

I never noticed that.

Huh.

Well, it's no big deal.

You know, it's just that... he can sound like a woman.

You know?

Great.

I'm going out with a man who sounds like a woman.

Well, he looks like a man.

Yeah.

He's bald.

I know that's a guy thing.

I guess.

I know he belches a lot.

I know he belches a lot.

Well, that's something.

So Jerry thought I was flirting with him?

Yeah.

Hmm!

He's kind of a baritone, isn't he?

What are you doing?

I'm eating this cookie.

No, no, but-- But why are you using a knife and a fork?

Did you just think of that?

No, I've seen people do it.

I like it.

DANNY TARTABULL: This isn't gonna take long, is it?

DANNY TARTABULL: This isn't gonna take long, is it?

No, no, in and out. I made sure of that.

And you'll be happy to know I perused the script,

and it's met with my approval.

Yeah, I'm sure it's fine.

Hey!

Hey, watch it!

Did you see that guy?

He just gave me the finger.

Y-you sure?

Oh, yeah, middle finger, straight up at me. At us.

[ENGINE ROARS]

What are you doing?

I'm following him.

I'm following him.

I'm sorry.

The account had insufficient funds.

We had to return the checks made out to Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, dear. That's my grandson.

May I call him now and explain?

Oh, certainly.

ELAINE: And now I think she might really be interested in you.

And Dan is obsessed.

He keeps leaving these annoying messages on my machine.

He keeps leaving these annoying messages on my machine.

[PHONE RINGS] Would you?

Hello?

NANA: Hello,

I need to speak to Jerry.

Oh, it's you.

We were just talking about you.

Listen, Jerry doesn't wanna talk to you.

Nobody wants to talk to you.

So why don't you just...

drop...dead.

Huh?

Hey.

Hey.

Any word from Nana? No.

Nana?

Yeah, my grandma's missing.

Missing? Yeah.

It might have something to do with those checks.

Um...

What does Nana sound like?

Like a grandmother. Why?

Well, I...

Oh, you hung up on my nana?

I don't know. Maybe.

You told Nana to drop dead!

It's possible.

Yes, it is!

All right, all right.

Look, Jerry, we gotta get down to PBS, PDQ.

All right.

GEORGE: No one gives us the finger.

We're Yankees!

Want this last donut?

No, you can have it.

Where are the tote bags? I don't know.

I'm not leaving the premises without tote bags.

I was promised tote bags, and tote bags I shall have.

Jerry, this, uh, man wants to see you.

Leo?

Hello. Uncle Leo!

Well, what are you doing here?

I wanted to tell you that your grandmother is fine.

Ahh. She's had quite a day,

but she's gonna watch you tonight on the TV.

Jerry, I'm dying to meet Danny Tartabull.

Where is he?

He'll be here any second.

You guys are both on in five minutes.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Why didn't you tell me you were a little short?

Here.

If anybody asks you where you got it, you don't know.

No, that's okay.

I really don't need any money.

What are talking about?

Please, it's not necessary.

Jerry, will you please?

I can't.

I want you to have it.

Jerry, take the money?

I don't want it!

[WOMAN'S VOICE] Jerry open up. We need to talk.

[WOMAN'S VOICE] Jerry open up. We need to talk.

Who's that?

You know what?

It sounds like that friend of Elaine's

that was hitting on me in the bookstore.

Jerry, I'll take care of it.

Is Jerry in there?

Uh...

Well, he can't be disturbed now.

Well, this situation's driving me crazy.

He's all I think about.

I can't get him out of my mind.

I'm sorry, fella.

I know what it's like to be in love.

It ties you up in knots. And Jerry is a very sexy man.

It ties you up in knots. And Jerry is a very sexy man.

What?

Look, I'm not judging you.

In fact, um, we here at PBS--

We have many programs celebrating your lifestyle.

Armistead Maupin's Tales Of The City.

Gender Bending.

Swinging San Francisco.

Before Stonewall, about those dark ages

when you couldn't come out of the closet,

lest you be persecuted because of your...you know.

No, I don't.

Are you Danny Tartabull?

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

I'll take care of this, Danny.

Excuse me.

What's the problem?

I believe you cut me off

and then made an obscene gesture.

I did? Where?

Outside of Manhattan, about an hour ago.

Wow, is that Danny Tartabull?

That's right. Of the New York Yankees.

Wow, I'd like to shake his hand, but I can't.

[PHONES RINGING] I'm Jerry Seinfeld.

I tell jokes for a living. But there's no joking

about the financial crisis here at PBS.

Our lines are open.

JERRY: So please call the number you see on your screen.

This is only time this year we'll be asking for donations.

PBS pledge drive.

Hello, I'd like to speak with Jerry.

You again, buddy?

Look, forget about Jerry.

It's not gonna happen.

This is his grandmother.

This is his grandmother.

Oh, uh, Nana, hello.

Tell Jerry I'm sorry.

I'm going to have to write him some new checks.

As long as you got your checkbook out,

how about forking a little over to PBS.

You watch the station, don't you?

Don't be a freeloader.

...programs like Ken Burn's Baseball,

and if Danny Tartabull were here, I'm sure he'd say,

"That's correct, Jerry."

Jerry, I have an announcement.

Your grandmother is on the line.

My nana?

And as we speak, she's generously writing PBS

And as we speak, she's generously writing PBS

a check for $1500.

She can't do that!

She's on a very fixed income!

Stop the show.

I got another card from Kristin,

not quite as chipper as the first one.

Isn't this little bunny giving you the--

Yes, he is.

You should show this to Georgie. Yeah.

Here's your knife and fork.

Look, she's cutting up an Almond Joy.

I just don't get it.

I saw someone on the street eating M&M's with a spoon.

What is wrong with everybody?

Look, they're doing it.

They're all doing it.

What is wrong with all you people?

Have you all gone mad?