Original subtitles

I find it fascinating

when you go into a stationery store,

that they are manufacturing

millions of pens.

Constantly.

We're all buying them.

I must have bought 6000 Bics in my life.

I've used up maybe two of them.

Where is the rest of them?

When you move the refrigerator, there's always a couple

back there, but that doesn't account for it.

Where are all the pens?

That's why it's so embarrassing if you don't have one.

"You got a pen?

Could I borrow a pen?"

We always have to whisper because it's so humiliating.

"I don't have a pen."

"I don't have a pen."

"They're making millions of them every week."

"I know. Where are they?"

[♪]

May I help you?

Yeah. Hi.

I'm looking for a Rolamech 1000.

It's a mechanical pencil.

Oh, I know the Rolamech 1000.

No, I'm sure you do.

They're pretty expensive.

Well, it's for my boss.

What do you do?

Whatever.

Whatever.

Well, we don't have any in stock right now,

but I would be happy to order it for you.

Just give me your phone number.

And when it comes in, I'll give you a call.

Your name is...?

Elaine.

Elaine.

And your last name?

It's just Elaine. Like Cher.

[LAUGHS] [FAKE LAUGHS]

And your number?

Uh, it's KL5-2390.

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

Okay. Thanks a lot.

You'll be hearing from me.

Okay. So long.

Why did you give him my number?

Don't worry about it.

I think he got ideas.

I wonder if any woman ever said that about Einstein.

Just call me when the pencil comes in, okay?

Why does Mr. Pitt prefer a pencil to a pen anyway?

Hey, look who's here.

ALL: Hey!

Oh, hi, Jerry.

Hi, Julie.

Elaine, Julie.

Hi. Oh, hi.

Hi. Oh, hi.

Elaine's my middle name.

Oh. Mine's Ike. [GEORGE LAUGHS]

Hey, you wanna get some lunch?

Just had a big bowl of Kix.

Oh, well, that's very mature.

What about you?

Oh, please come, Elaine.

No, no. But maybe you could bring me back something.

All right. What do you want?

Um, hmm...I don't know.

A big salad.

What big salad?

I'm going to the coffee shop.

Oh, they have big salads.

I've never seen a big salad.

They have big salads.

Is that what I ask for?

Is that what I ask for?

The big salad?

It's okay. You can just forg--

No, hey, I'll get it.

What's in the big salad?

Big lettuce, big carrots,

tomatoes like volleyballs.

So, you're gonna be upstairs? Mm-hm.

All right, we'll see you in a little while.

ELAINE: Maybe I should just get married.

Dating really is starting to get embarrassing.

Isn't it? I know.

You know, whenever I'm on a date,

I always feel like people can tell.

People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

Boy, that's right.

Boy, that's right.

It's embarrassing for them.

It's painful for us to watch. Right.

I'm going out with someone later.

I'm not even taking her out of the house.

Good for you.

I don't need a bunch of people staring at us.

You're telling me.

[THUMPING]

What is that?

Gendason. What a jerk!

I'm never playing golf with him again.

Who? Gendason?

Steve Gendason.

Why does that name sound so familiar?

He used to be a baseball player.

He used to be a baseball player.

Oh. How'd you end up playing golf with him?

Well, I met him on the course a couple years ago.

Yeah. Played with him a lot.

But today was it.

We're on the 15th hole.

Yeah, he's beating me by a couple of strokes.

Then, he's about to hit his second shot, when...

he picks up the ball

and cleans it.

So what?

Pfft. Sorry.

But the rules clearly state that you cannot clean the ball

But the rules clearly state that you cannot clean the ball

unless it's on the green.

The rules are very clear about that.

Certainly are.

So I penalized him a stroke.

Wow. So, what happened?

He lost it!

We almost came to blows.

We're like face to face, like a manager and an umpire.

You know, we're like:

"What are you talking about?!"

"Think I'm gonna put up with you?!"

All right. All right! You're in my face.

I still don't see what the big deal is.

Hey, a rule is a rule.

And let's face it, without rules, there's chaos.

I like Anna Quindlen's column and Safire.

Don't you like Safire?

Uh. Safire.

[CHUCKLES]

Although at times, he can be rather pedantic.

He can be pedantic. He can be pedantic.

And Bob Herbert's great.

He used to work for the Daily News.

Yes. Yes.

You know what's interesting?

The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons

is Bobby Hebert.

No R.

Which I find fascinating.

Which I find fascinating.

You know, it's Herbert,

H-E-R...B-E-R-T.

Hebert. H-E...B-E-R-T.

Hebert.

It's a fun name to pronounce.

Try and say it. Hebert.

Go ahead. Take a shot.

Oh-- All right, no.

Thank you. I got it.

No, no. I'd like to pay for mine.

Oh, now Julie, Julie. Don't insult me.

What difference does it make who pays for lunch?

It's totally meaningless.

Okay. Thanks, George.

Here's your big salad to go.

Oh, thank you.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

No, she's not here.

Okay, fine. Whatever.

Yes, I'll tell her.

Okay. Goodbye.

Stationery store guy.

Called to say he ordered your pencil.

I told you. He has ideas.

He doesn't even care if a man answers.

Or you. Wh--

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

ALL: Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Sorry we're late.

Oh, it's no problem.

Here's your big salad.

Thank you, Julie.

You're very welcome.

So, well, I guess I better get going.

I'm meeting Mother at the Guggenheim.

You sure you don't want to go?

No, you Guggenheim. I'm not much of a Guggenheimer.

Are you sure, George?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go.

Okay. I'll see you later. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Take care then.

Did you see what just happened here?

Well, that all depends.

Did you happen to notice that Julie handed

the big salad to Elaine?

Yeah. So?

Well, she didn't buy the big salad.

I bought the big salad.

Is that a fact? Yes, it is.

She just took credit for my salad.

That's not right.

No, it isn't.

I bought it. Yes, you did.

Shouldn't she have said something?

She could have. Oh, I know.

Imagine. Her taking credit for your big salad?

You know, you buy a big salad for somebody,

You know, you buy a big salad for somebody,

it would be nice if they knew it.

Obviously.

Turn on the TV.

What?

Put it on. Put it on!

NEWSCASTER: Neither the district attorney's office

nor the police department

have answered any questions as yet.

To repeat, in case you're just joining us,

former baseball star, Steve Gendason,

has been taken to police headquarters for questioning

in the murder of Bobby Pinkus,

the owner of Royal Dry Cleaners at 2759 Amsterdam Avenue.

the owner of Royal Dry Cleaners at 2759 Amsterdam Avenue.

According to Pinkus' wife, Gendason had been involved

in a dispute with the cleaner over a stain

on a pair of gray Sansabelt slacks.

We also have a report that earlier in the day,

a groundskeeper at Van Courtlandt Golf Course

reportedly saw an irate Gendason

leaving the clubhouse in a huff.

Whether there is a possible connection between the two

is something we'll just have to wait and find out.

Jerry.

Well, it had nothing to do with you.

Yeah, but maybe he was so mad

Yeah, but maybe he was so mad

from the penalty stroke

that he murdered the dry cleaner.

[SILENT GASP]

Well, generally speaking,

you don't need any extra incentive

to murder a dry cleaner.

I wouldn't worry about it.

I like Julie.

She's very personable.

Yeah, she's lovely.

That's great, George.

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

[MAKES POPPING SOUNDS]

So did you enjoy your lunch?

Yeah. The big salad.

It was very good.

Actually, it was too big.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Why?

Oh, no reason.

Because, you know, she handed you the bag.

I could have handed you the bag.

But she happened to pick it up

at the restaurant, even though...

Even though what?

No, it's just...

No, it's just...

You thanked her,

even though...

What's the difference?

What? What are you trying to say, George?

It's just that I was the one

that actually paid for the big salad.

She just happened to hand it to you.

But it's no big deal.

You want the money for the big salad, George?

No. No.

Then what is your problem?

There is no problem.

Just a small miscommunication

whereby you thanked her

instead of the person actually responsible

instead of the person actually responsible

for the purchasing of the big salad.

JERRY: Kramer golfed with him.

And Kramer thinks a penalty stroke

may have driven him to it.

Well, they haven't even arrested him yet.

Come on. Let's go out.

Uh, no. I don't think so.

Why not?

We don't need a bunch of people staring at us.

Who's staring?

Oh, they're staring.

They know we're on a date.

They're making fun.

Come on. It's embarrassing.

Come on. It's embarrassing.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

No, she's not here.

Yes, I will tell her.

No, I don't know what time she might be coming back.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Look, I got to go.

Bye.

That's-- It's a long story.

Hello, Newman.

Hello, Jerry.

I was wondering if you knew where Kramer was?

No, I don't. Why?

No, I don't. Why?

You know, Gendason.

This is something, isn't it?

I suppose.

What did Kramer say?

I don't know. Nothing.

C'mon, Jerry. You know something.

Tell me! Tell me!

Ooh, Chunkys.

Margaret?

Hello.

You two know each other?

You might say that.

We used to go out.

Well...toodle-loo.

[SNICKERS]

Nice seeing you again, Margaret.

Bye, Jerry. Have fun.

[LAUGHS]

You went out...with Newman?

Just a few times.

Why?

I liked him.

I liked him.

You liked Newman?

Look, I'm a little uncomfortable

talking about this, okay?

No, I'm sorry. I'm just a little curious.

I mean, why did you stop seeing him?

He ended it.

He ended it?

Yes! Yes.

It was a couple of years ago.

Why? Does it matter?

No.

No, of course not.

Jerry...they found a tee.

Jerry...they found a tee.

What tee?

A golf tee in the dry cleaner.

Newman.

She went out with Newman.

It must be a mistake.

No, it isn't.

And the most distressing part about it is,

not that she went out with him,

but that he stopped seeing her.

Do you understand?

He, Newman.

Newman stopped seeing her.

Newman never stops seeing anybody.

Newman will see whoever is willing to see him.

So the question then is not so much

why did she see him--

as disturbing as that is--

as disturbing as that is--

but why did he, Newman, stop seeing her?

Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye.

No. There's less.

It's possible.

No. It isn't.

I've looked into his eyes.

He's pure evil.

Maybe he's an enigma. A mystery wrapped in a riddle.

Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.

Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.

Can I get you some more coffee?

No. But thank you.

Oh, by the way, your stationery store guy called.

He's got your pencil.

Oh. You are kidding me.

No, he left the store early,

made a special trip to the distributor and got it.

I bought one yesterday on 14th Street.

What did you do that for? He already ordered it.

I wanted to please Mr. Pitt.

Well, you better go down there and tell this guy.

He's very excited.

Oh, boy.

Oh, hi, Julie. Hi.

Hi, Julie.

Hi. How are you, Elaine?

Hi. How are you, Elaine?

I'm meeting George here.

Oh...well then, I better get going.

Otherwise George will make me buy him lunch

to make up for that big salad he bought me yesterday.

How do you know that?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

NEWMAN: Who is it?

It's Jerry.

Well, it's kind of a bad time now.

Could you come back later?

Come on, Newman, open the door!

Hello, Jerry.

What a rare treat.

What brings you down to the east wing?

Okay, pudgy, let's stop playing games.

Now, what happened with Margaret?

No need to get excited.

Can't we discuss this like gentlemen?

No, we can't.

My skin is crawling

just being inside your little rat's nest.

Now, what happened?

All right, you wanna know what happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

She wasn't my type.

Not your type?

Not really.

Well, how come?

Oh, she just didn't do it for me.

Oh, she just didn't do it for me.

But what is wrong with her?

[LAUGHS] Well...

if you're happy with her... that's all that matters.

You don't think she's attractive?

No.

I need a really pretty face.

But, hey...that's me.

Okay, Newman, thanks a lot.

Care for some lemonade?

No, thank you.

Drop by any time...Jerry.

[LAUGHS]

Jerry. All right. Now, listen to this.

"If a player cleans his ball

"during play of a hole,

"except on the putting green,

he shall incur a penalty of one stroke."

That's the rule, Jerry.

But, it's just a friendly game.

Why do you always have to be such a stickler?

Because that's the way I was raised.

You know, when I was growing up,

I had to be in bed every night by 9:00.

And if I wasn't...

Well, I don't have to tell you what happened.

What are you so worried about this for?

What are you so worried about this for?

You know, he talked about Pinkus on the course?

He did? Oh, yeah.

He said he brought a pair of pants into Pinkus',

and they came back stained

with some kind of dry-cleaning fluid.

And Pinkus denied responsibility.

You see, he was very upset with Pinkus.

So it had nothing to do with you.

Yeah, but maybe I pushed him over the edge.

No, I don't think so.

Poor Pinkus.

Poor little Pinkus.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

You met Margaret.

You met Margaret.

You think Margaret's good-looking?

Oh. She's a natural beauty.

No makeup. Ooh, I like that.

Yeah.

And the curls? You like the curls?

Oh, I love curls.

Yeah, me too.

All right, I'll see you later.

Where you going?

Gendason's.

You're going to see Gendason?

It's weighing on my conscience.

You know...I think I could have played with dolls,

if there were dolls in the house.

That seems like fun to me.

It doesn't seem like a gender thing.

I think I would like to play with dolls.

I think I would like to play with dolls.

What's so terrible?

So, George, I was talking to Elaine before--

Uh, uh. We're just friends. [LAUGHS]

Yes, well, anyway,

she said something that was kind of intriguing.

Oh. Share.

Well...when I came over to the table,

she mentioned something about

how she had better hurry up and leave,

or you would make her buy lunch,

to make up for the one that you bought yesterday.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

I'm not following.

Well, my question is, how could Elaine be

Well, my question is, how could Elaine be

under the impression that you bought the big salad,

when I was the one that handed it to her?

Well, she probably just assumed.

Hmm. Did she?

[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY]

Wait-- Wait a second.

Are you suggesting that I went out of my way

to tell Elaine that, even though you handed her the big salad,

that it came from me.

That's what I'm suggesting.

That's what I'm suggesting.

Well, it was a big salad.

And what I would like to know is,

how does a person who has virtually nothing to do

with the big salad, claim responsibility

for that salad,

and accept that thank-you under false pretenses, huh?

Huh? Huh?

George, all I did was hand someone a bag.

It's just that my boss is very demanding,

It's just that my boss is very demanding,

and he needed the pencil right away.

Well, why did you tell me to order it

if you knew you were going to get one someplace else?

No, no. No. I didn't know.

I'm-- I'm sorry.

I went all the way down to the warehouse.

It took me three hours.

I had a big fight with the foreman.

Really? A fight with the foreman?

Yes.

Well, again, I'm just...

[GROANS]

...awfully sorry.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, then how about going out with me?

Okay.

I mean, they found a tee, and he played golf that day.

I mean, nobody walks into a dry cleaners with a tee.

Circumstantial evidence is overwhelming.

You had how many dates with him? Three?

Around three. I don't know.

And...?

And...?

I told you. He stopped calling me.

I moved on. I'm not hung up on him.

What are you looking at?

What? I'm not looking.

Nothing.

Why are you looking at my face?

Where am I gonna look?

Kiss me.

I can't.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[WHISPERS] Newman!

JERRY: Newman ruined it for me.

All I could think of when I was looking at her face...

was Newman found this unacceptable.

Well, I'm going out with the stationery store guy.

You're going out with the stationery store guy?

I felt so guilty about the pencil, I couldn't say no.

I felt so guilty about the pencil, I couldn't say no.

[GROAN OF DISGUST]

Well, well, well.

I'm not treating you to lunch anymore!

You had to tell Julie that I made special point

of telling you that I bought you the big salad, didn't you?

Uh...

You know, if it was a regular salad,

I wouldn't have said anything.

But you had to have the big salad!

[PHONE RINGS]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

What?

You're kidding.

I'm turning it on.

Oh, my God. Get out of here.

Hey, listen to this.

They issued a warrant for Gendason's arrest. He escaped.

And the police have just spotted him on the New Jersey Turnpike.

NEWSCASTER: As you can see, it is a white Ford Bronco.

The police have cleared the highway traffic

in front of them,

but they are keeping their distance.

They don't want this situation to escalate.

They don't want this situation to escalate.

And we have gotten an identification

on the driver of the vehicle.

His name is...Kramer...

and he's reportedly one of Gendason's golfing buddies.

DISPATCHER: 9-1-1. What are you reporting?

Yeah, this is Kramer. I got Gendason in the car.

Now, he wants to see his fish.

I'm taking him to see his fish.

So tell the police to back off.

Okay, sir.

And what's your name?

My name is Kramer.

You know who I am, damn it.

I told you not to take the turnpike.

Yeah, well, I thought we would blend in.

If you took the Palisades, this never would have happened.

Then we would have had all that bridge traffic.

GENDASON: Ah, just drive.

[♪]

To me, murder doesn't

even really seem like

that great a revenge.

Wouldn't years of subtle psychological mind games

be a lot more satisfying?

You know, just constantly calling them

and hanging up when they pick up the phone?

Sending pizzas and taxis to their house all night long.

You know, after a while, they would go,

"I wish this guy would just kill me already.

I can't take it anymore."

And how come whenever the police catch

some really bad criminal,

they always put him in the handcuffs,

and they hit him with the baton,

and they put the chokehold on him.

and they put the chokehold on him.

But then they don't want him to hurt his head

when they put him in the back of the patrol car.

"Watch your head there. Watch your head.

"Don't hit that metal edge there.

That really hurts."