Original subtitles

Aren't mannequins an insult to your imagination?

"You couldn't possibly visualize a sweater,

so we'll show you on this life-size, snotty puppet."

I guess when they're finished with them,

they become crash-test dummies.

That's the end of the line for a mannequin.

"Whatever happened to Bob?"

"Have you seen that new Volvo commercial?

He's got a bull's-eye right in his face."

Mannequins are only used for car accidents and fashion.

I guess these are the two situations

that it's impossible for us to imagine ourselves:

well-dressed or getting killed.

well-dressed or getting killed.

I'm sure some pro-mannequin organization,

doesn't even like you to use the term mannequin.

"Hey, they're not mannequins.

They're the life-deprived."

AUDREY: Mmm, that was really good.

Yeah. Are you full?

Oh, no. I've had just enough.

Ah, here we go. Apple pie.

Best apple pie in the city.

Mmm.

Delicious.

I'm not waiting for you.

Take some.

No, thanks.

You're not gonna have any?

No.

Do you not like apple pie?

Do you not like apple pie?

No. It's not that.

Well, at least taste it.

No.

You won't even taste it?

No.

Come on, try it.

A little taste.

Come on.

She wouldn't so much as taste it.

She say why?

No. She wouldn't say anything.

She just kept shaking her head like this:

She just kept shaking her head like this:

Maybe she's diabetic.

No. She carries Entenmann's doughnuts

in her purse.

Maybe you said something that offended her.

The only thing I can think of

is I told her we should have

those moving walkways all over the city.

Like at the airport?

Yeah.

That's a great idea!

Tell me about it.

We'd could be zipping all over the place.

They could at least try it.

They never try anything!

What's the harm? No harm!

I'm sorry. There's no reason

for her not to taste that pie.

Who wouldn't taste the pie?

Audrey.

Dump her.

Dump her.

Well, I never broke up with anyone for not tasting pie.

I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie.

You did?

He could be eating a hero, Jerry.

He wouldn't offer me anything.

It's a sickness.

Well, I can't walk anywhere now.

I'm just gonna be wishing

there were walkways.

GEORGE: What are you doin'?

I got a pebble.

Well, I never heard of that happening to a woman.

What the hell does that mean?

Hey.

Oh, hey, Elaine! What?

Oh, hey, Elaine! What?

Go like this:

What? Why?

Do it. Do it.

But-- Like this.

Like...

Like this? Oh, yeah!

It's you!

What's me?

There's a clothing store downtown.

They got a mannequin in there

that looks exactly like Elaine.

Get out!

No, it's uncanny!

It's like they chopped off your arms and legs,

dipped you in plastic,

then screwed you all back together again,

and stuck you on a pedestal.

It's really quite exquisite.

Kramer, what's the name

Kramer, what's the name

of the store with the mannequin?

Rinitze.

Oh, yeah.

Uh...

May I help you?

It's this itch.

I was watching TV without my shirt on,

and one of my couch cushions didn't have any fabric on it.

Wait a minute. Rinitze.

Don't they have

some really cool suits in there?

Real boss.

I'm going down there.

Yeah, wait. I'm gonna go with you.

I gotta get a new suit.

I got a second interview with MacKenzie,

and I think I'm really close.

They're taking me out to lunch on Friday.

Let's go. Let's go. All right. All right.

You gonna need this? Keep it.

It looks exactly like me.

It's like some pod landed from another planet

and took your body.

Don't fall asleep, Elaine.

What's going on here?

How do you think this happened?

Whoa. Look at this.

This is a beautiful suit, huh?

You think this could be a coincidence, George?

You think this could be a coincidence, George?

Is that possible?

[EUROPEAN ACCENT] You are perfect for that suit.

You think so?

Um, excuse me.

Where did this come from?

I don't know.

You really think this looks okay on me?

Fabulous. Perfect fit.

And it's the last one we have.

I'm-- I'm sorry.

You can't tell me

where the mannequin came from?

I told you, I don't know.

Well, um, is there somebody around here

I could talk to who would know?

I could talk to who would know?

Why?

Isn't it obvious?

This mannequin looks exactly like me.

Did you just roll your eyes at him?

Because let me tell you something.

If anybody should be rolling their eyes,

it is me, at him, about you.

I think maybe you're flattering yourself.

That mannequin is wearing a $1200 Gaultier dress.

What-- What are you saying,

that I'm not good enough for this hideous dress?

Listen, Natasha.

Listen, Natasha.

I wouldn't be caught dead

wearing your crummy little Eurotrash rags.

I'll meet you outside.

What is her problem?

Ah, psh, what can you do?

Um...

Is this the price tag?

Yes.

Yes, hello. Party's over.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

We're having an unadvertised sale

starting Friday.

That suit will be half-price.

So do you think you could put the suit aside and hold it for me?

So do you think you could put the suit aside and hold it for me?

Oh, I'm afraid I couldn't do that.

It wouldn't be fair to the other customers.

Oh, yes, of course.

And, uh, we have to be fair.

So, I found out who supplies the mannequins,

and I called him up.

Well, how did they get your face?

I don't know. They wouldn't tell me.

Jerry?

Jer-- Hello?

Jer-- Hello?

Um...excuse me.

I couldn't help but notice

you offered her a piece of your pie.

That's right.

And you waved it away.

Right.

Did you give her a reason?

Yes. I was full.

You were full. So, you gave a reason.

You didn't just shake your head.

No. I'm not a psycho.

Exactly.

You're not a psycho.

You've been very helpful. Thank you very much.

You've been very helpful. Thank you very much.

Allow me to leave the tip.

Well, I think we've proven who the psycho is.

We certainly have.

Hey, Elaine, scratch my back.

No way.

Come on. One lap around.

No.

It'll be a funky adventure.

Kramer, forget it. Forget it.

Jerry, how about you?

I think you know my policy.

I'm going home to spatula.

I thought George was meeting us here.

No, he's going downtown to guard the suit.

He's guarding a suit?

Do you need some help with that itch?

Madam, I pray you're not toying with me.

Whoa.

Turn around.

Oh, all right.

Oh!

It fits you perfectly.

You think so?

What is this?

Can't I leave this place for a second?

[EUROPEAN ACCENT] Can I help you?

I'm buying this suit.

I'm buying this suit.

No-no-no-no. This suit is not for sale.

Excuse me. Do you work here?

No.

Then what the hell business is it of yours?

Look, I'm doing you a favor.

They're having an unadvertised sale.

This suit is gonna be half-price starting Monday.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This Monday? Yes, yes.

Now, take off those pants.

Actually, the unadvertised sale starts on Friday.

Friday?

Thanks.

You know, honey, for an unadvertised sale,

You know, honey, for an unadvertised sale,

you're doing a lot of yapping about it.

JERRY: I can't believe your father owns this place.

So how are the desserts here?

Everything is delicious.

You've tasted them?

Mmm-hm. I think almost all of them.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Oh, I see they have apple pie.

Mmm-hmm.

You've had the apple pie?

Many times.

Audrey, I gotta be honest with you.

I'm a very curious guy.

It's my nature. I need to know things.

Not tasting the apple pie the other day,

I can't get past it.

You obviously like pies.

You carry doughnuts in you bag.

You're not averse to pastry.

Surely you could see how such a thing

would prey on my mind.

would prey on my mind.

Can we drop this?

Why can't I know?

Oh, Poppie.

Sweetheart, hello.

Poppie, this is Jerry.

POPPIE: Welcome.

Hello, Poppie.

Ah! Don't fill up on the bread.

I'm making you a very special dinner.

Very special.

The pies.

I'm going to the bathroom.

You know.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Aha-ha, Jerry!

Tonight you in for a real treat.

I'm personally gonna prepare the dinner

for you and my Audrey.

Jerry, you okay?

Huh?

Is anything wrong?

No. Nothing.

You look like you've seen a ghost.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Hey.

These are for you, Olive.

Thank you.

Ohhh!

Yeah, yeah.

Here it is.

Oh, wait till you taste this.

Mmm.

Poppie, this is perfect.

Well?

Well?

Jerry, have some.

You're not gonna taste it?

Jerry.

So she thought I did it to get back at her.

Why didn't you just tell her?

I don't think it's the kind of thing

you wanna hear about your father.

But I'll tell you,

when he came out of that bathroom,

and he was kneading that dough,

it was a wild scene.

How could he not have washed?

Even if you're not gonna soap up,

at least pretend for my benefit.

Turn the water on. Do something.

Turn the water on. Do something.

Yeah, just like I do.

You know, a chef who doesn't wash

is like a cop who steals.

It's a cry for help. He wants to get caught.

Well, I think Poppie's got some problems.

There's a whole other thing going on with Poppie.

So how'd you leave it?

We haven't spoken.

Hey. Hey, George.

Well, I'm not gonna need this anymore.

I got Olive.

Olive? Yeah, my lady friend down at Monk's.

Olive? Yeah, my lady friend down at Monk's.

You guys ought to see the way

she works her nails across my back.

Ooh!

She's a maestro!

The crisscross, the figure eight,

strummin' the ol' banjo,

and this wild, savage free-for-all

where anything can happen.

Is that the time?

I gotta get downtown and buy that suit.

The store opens in 20 minutes.

Hey, is that Elaine mannequin still there?

Yeah. Yeah?

The last time I saw her,

she was naked.

she was naked.

Yeah. And Poppie's got problems.

Where is it? where is it?

Well, look at this.

This doesn't belong here.

Someone has made a terrible mistake.

You bastard!

You hid the suit.

You hid the suit.

Hid?

I have no idea how this suit got misplaced.

Nevertheless, I do believe I shall purchase it.

I hope you rot in that suit.

Look, I'm gonna get you for this.

I don't know how, but I am gonna get you.

You are gonna pay!

Oh, I'll pay.

Half-price.

Arrivederci, my fellow 40-short.

ELAINE: So, I made a little list

of people who might've made the mannequin.

You know, possible suspects.

You know, possible suspects.

Yeah, all right. Go ahead.

Okay.

All right, well, there's this blind guy

at a party I was at,

and he felt my face for a really long time,

you know, to see what I look like.

He almost put his finger up my nose.

Okay, what else you got?

Okay, I'm not gonna tell you

the rest of the list.

Oh, because I didn't think

the blind guy did it?

Because you have an attitude.

Oh! Ooh!

Georgio!

Georgio!

Nice duds.

Huh? You're telling me.

[PANTS SWOOSH]

[SWOOSHING]

So, what do you think?

Did you hear something?

Yeah, like a swoosh.

Yeah.

It must be the fabric.

It's-- It's rubbing between your thighs

when you walk.

That's what's making that swooshy sound.

[SWOOSHES]

I probably didn't hear it on the way over

because of the street noise.

[SWOOSHES]

This is no good!

I gotta meet these guys from MacKenzie

for lunch in half an hour!

So what? What would they care?

This MacKenzie guy, he's a bit of a nut.

Someone told me he fired the last guy

because his nose whistled when he breathed.

So you think you're not gonna get the job

because your pants make a noise?

Let's say it's comes down to me and one other guy.

Let's say it's comes down to me and one other guy.

He's got a nice, quiet suit,

and I'm whooshing all over the place!

Who do you think he's gonna hire?

You know, I think all these interviews

are making you nuts.

Hey, Jerry, I saw your girlfriend

was in here before.

Audrey? Yup.

Sat down, had herself a piece of pie.

What...

Was it apple?

What else?

This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel!

Do I know you?

Hmm...

No, you don't.

Yeah!

You were wearing a G-string

and one of those bras with points.

and one of those bras with points.

The mannequin!

Oh, I gotta see this thing.

[GASPS]

Boy, the resemblance is uncanny.

You think you can pose me however you want?

That's my ass in your window!

It's our store and our mannequin.

We can do whatever we want with it.

No, you take that mannequin down right now, or...

No, you take that mannequin down right now, or...

Or I am pressing charges.

Yes. This is my attorney.

Oh, yeah? What law am I breaking?

Uh, well, I believe there is

some legal precedent, uh,

Winchell v. Mahoney. Uh-huh.

Uh, the Charlie McCarthy hearings.

Uh-huh.

Are you taking this down?

I'm getting the manager.

Jerry, get the car.

What are you doing?

Just get the car!

Elaine, as your legal counsel,

I must advise against this.

I don't know about you,

but I'm getting a hankering

for some Doublemint gum.

All right, I'm dropping you off

at work, right?

Where you goin'?

Poppie's.

Thanks for meeting me down here, George.

My office is out of control,

phones ringing,

people running in and out--

Did you hear something?

No, I didn't hear anything.

Huh.

Huh.

That's strange.

It's quieter down here.

We can concentrate

without people whooshing around.

That sound again.

You sure you didn't hear anything?

No, can't say as I did.

Kind of like a...rustling.

Could be the leaves.

AUDREY: That's right.

AUDREY: That's right.

Poppie's on 77th.

Okay. We'll see you at 8. Bye-bye.

Hello.

What are you doing here?

So how was the pie?

What pie?

The apple pie you had today at Monk's.

I'm very busy here.

Pretty good, wasn't it?

I told you you should've tasted it.

You better not let Poppie see you here.

All right, I'm looking for someone named Poppie.

Uh, who are you?

Board of Health. We've had several complaints.

Oh, about the, uh...

You Poppie?

You Poppie?

Eh, I'm Poppie.

Think you better come with me.

What's the problem?

What do they want from Poppie?

Well, Poppie's a little sloppy.

[LAUGHING]

You thought I'd care

about your pants whooshing?

Well, you know.

I heard the last guy got fired

because his nose whistled.

No, no, no.

He got fired because he wasn't a team player.

He got fired because he wasn't a team player.

That's something we don't joke about at MacKenzie.

You'll find we're a team here, George.

We don't tolerate dissent.

You wanna go your own way, you're in the wrong place.

Oh, no problem there.

Conformity's an obsession with me.

Chocolate cream pie,

compliments of the house.

Whoa! Hope you saved room for dessert.

The chef said that he made it

special for you.

Oh.

Mmm. Best pie I've ever tasted.

Take a bite, George.

Take a bite, George.

Take a bite.

It's delicious.

I insist.

If you're one of us, you'll take a bite.

So, you didn't get the job.

No.

But I was the only one at the table

that didn't get violently ill.

Kramer, you can't keep avoiding her like this.

You're gonna have to say something.

You're gonna have to say something.

What am I supposed to say?

Tell her you lost your itch.

What happened to your itch?

I lost it two days ago.

I've been faking it

so I wouldn't hurt her feelings.

Well, you should tell her.

I'll let her down easy.

All right.

Well...

Hi, Olive.

No, no, no. No more of that.

There's something I have to tell you.

What?

Uh, well, there's someone else.

Someone else? Yeah, yeah.

Someone else? Yeah, yeah.

Who is she?

Her.

Her? Yeah. There she is.

That's my gal.

You're a liar.

I've seen her in here before.

She's not your girlfriend.

All right, now, Olive, look, I'm sorry.

Well, why is she wearing her underwear?

Uh, well, it's a style, yeah.

Jerry, give me the keys.

Yo.

Okay. Well, I guess we're gonna

go for a drive now.

She, uh, really loves that.

[♪]

Did you ever solve the riddle of the pie?

No. That's one for the ages.

But I think they're gonna be putting Poppie away

for a long, long time.

You guys, you're not gonna believe this.

I just got a letter

from a friend of mine in Chicago

who was shopping, and she said

she saw a mannequin that looked just like me.

What if there are more?

Where are they coming from?

Ricky, we've been getting

a tremendous response

to your TR-6 mannequin.

TR-6?

I prefer to think of her as...

Elaine.