Original subtitles

I love these nature shows.

I watch any kind of nature show.

It's amazing how you can always relate

to what they're talking about.

You're watching the African dung beetle

You're going, "Boy, his life is a lot like mine."

You always root for whichever animal's the star

of the show that week.

Like if it's the antelope,

and a lion's chasing the antelope,

you go, "Run, antelope, run!

Use your speed! Get away!"

The next week it's the lion, and then you go,

"Get the antelope! Eat him! Bite his ass!

Trap him! Don't let him use his speed!"

Well, did he bring it up in the meeting?

Elaine, see this T-shirt?

Six years I've had this T-shirt.

It's my best one.

I call him... Golden Boy.

Yeah-- I'm on the phone here.

Golden Boy's always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry.

Here. Touch Golden Boy.

No, thanks.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll hold.

But see, look at the collar.

It's fraying.

Golden Boy is slowly dying.

Golden Boy is slowly dying.

Each wash brings him one step closer.

That's what makes the T-shirt such a tragic figure.

Why don't you just let Golden Boy

soak in the sink with some Woolite?

No!

The reason he's the iron man

is because he goes out there and he plays every game!

Wash, spin, rinse, spin!

You take that away from him,

you break his spirit.

Yeah.

[GASPS]

What?

He is?!

Oh, that's fantastic! I'm so excited!

Yes, I'm excited! Okay. Okay, I'll be in soon.

Yes, I'm excited! Okay. Okay, I'll be in soon.

Yeah, yeah! I'm coming! I'm coming! Okay, bye.

Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!

The guy who's in the gulag?

Yeah! Pendant's publishing his new book,

and I'm gonna be working on it!

Lippman and I are gonna go to the airport on Thursday

and pick him up in a limousine!

You wanna borrow Golden Boy?

Oh! Do you know what this means?

It's like working with Tolstoy.

I read an unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day.

Did you know the original title for War and Peace

was War, What Is It Good For?

[SINGSONG-LIKE] Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[SINGSONG-LIKE] Ha-ha-ha-ha.

No, I'm not kidding, Elaine. It's true.

His mistress didn't like the title

and insisted that he change it to War and Peace.

But it's a line from that song!

That's where they got it from.

Really?

I'm not joking.

[IMITATING JACK NICHOLSON] You can't handle the truth!

What?

I'm working on my Jack Nicholson.

You can't handle the truth!

What is this, your mail?

[NORMAL VOICE] Yeah, I grabbed it on the way out.

I don't want my mother reading it.

Ah, your alumni magazine.

Your mother reads your mail?

Yeah.

What, you mean, like postcards and--?

No. Anything.

She doesn't open.

She'll open.

You've caught your mother opening envelopes?

Yes.

What does she say?

[MIMICKING] "I was curious."

Isn't that against the law?

Maybe I can get her locked up.

[GASPS]

Hey, Jerry, you're in the alumni magazine!

Listen to this:

"Jerry Seinfeld has appeared

"on David Letterman and The Tonight Show,

"and he did a pilot for NBC called Jerry

that was not picked up."

Georgie, how come there's not anything about you in here?

He can't handle the truth.

All right. This is too much fun.

I gotta get back to work.

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

Are you all right?

Yeah. Uh...

Sorry.

It's okay.

Yeah-- Oh! Wait, wait.

Uh...

Maybe you could, uh, use this.

Here.

It's an electronic organizer.

What? Uh, yeah. Uh--

Wha--? Yeah, here.

Yeah. [GASPS]

For phone numbers, addresses.

Keep appointments, everything.

Wow.

It's got an alarm that beeps.

Oh, I can't believe this!

Oh, I can't believe this!

Kramer, I've been wanting to get one of these things.

Are you sure that--

You sure you can't use this thing? No.

I got all my appointments right up here.

Where'd you get this?

Oh, the bank. I opened up a new account.

Hey, did you see that whale thing on TV last night?

No.

I am such a huge whale fan.

These marine biologists were showin'

how they communicate with each other

with the squeaks and the squeals.

What a fish.

It's a mammal.

Whatever.

Whatever.

Hey, new tape recorder?

Yeah, I got it from the bank.

Hey!

Hey. Hey.

Who wants to have some fun?!

I do.

I do.

Are you just sayin' you wanna have fun,

or do you really wanna have fun?!

I really wanna have fun.

I'm just sayin' I wanna have some fun.

Right now, there are 600 Titleists

that I got from the driving range

in the trunk of my car.

Why don't we drive out to Rockaway

Why don't we drive out to Rockaway

and hit 'em

into the ocean!

Now, picture this.

We find a nice sweet spot between the dunes.

We take out our drivers, we tee up and--

Whoo!

That ball goes sailing up into the sky,

holds there for a moment and then--

Gulg!

You wanna get some lunch?

Yeah. Let me stop by the cash machine,

and I'll meet you over at the coffee shop.

and I'll meet you over at the coffee shop.

Yeah, I'm gonna get a paper.

Keep your head down. Yeah.

Cash advance? Yes.

No.

Balance inquiry?

No.

Receipt? No.

Processing. Processing.

I won.

Jerry?

Yeah.

It's Diane. Diane DeConn from Queen's College.

It's Diane. Diane DeConn from Queen's College.

Oh, Diane.

How are you? Good.

Good. How long has it been?

Since college. Ah.

I've been seeing you on TV. You're doing great.

Yeah, pluggin' along.

You know, I got the alumni magazine.

Whatever happened to your friend, George?

I notice I never see his name in there.

Well, he's kind of modest.

He was always such a goof-off.

I mean, did he ever get anywhere?

Sure.

Yeah? What field?

Marine biology.

George is a marine biologist?

George is a marine biologist?

Yeah. Pretty damn good one too.

[SCOFFS]

I can't believe it.

I-I would never have thought.

Yeah. He's specializing in whales.

He's working on lowering the cholesterol level

in whales.

All that blubber. It's quite unhealthy.

You know, it's the largest mammal on earth,

but as George says, they don't have to be.

Diane DeConn?

You saw Diane DeConn?

Somethin', huh?

How did she look?

She looked great.

Oh. Mm!

Oh. Mm!

She asked about you.

She asked about me? What did she say?

"How's George?"

George?

She said, George?

She remembered my name.

Diane DeConn remembered my name!

She was the "it" girl.

Yeah, she asked for your number.

I think she's gonna get in touch with you.

Okay, I'm telling you right now.

If you're kiddin' around, I'm not gonna be able

to be your friend anymore.

I'm serious about that. You got that?

I'm serious about that. You got that?

I got no problem with that.

Good, because if this is a lie,

if this is a joke,

if this is your idea of some cute little game,

we're finished!

Expect a call.

Oh, my God, he's not kidding.

Now,

I should tell you...

that at this point,

she's under the impression that you're a, uh...

she's under the impression that you're a, uh...

A what?

A marine biologist.

A marine biologist? Yes.

Why am I a marine biologist?

I may have mentioned it.

But I'm not a marine biologist.

Yes, I know that.

So?

Why, you don't think it's a good job?

I didn't even know it was a job.

I didn't even know it was a job.

Oh, it's a fascinating field.

Well, what if she calls me?

What am I supposed to say?

Algae.

Obviously plankton.

I don't know what else I could tell ya, uh...

Oh, I-- I just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands.

I was living with the turtles.

LIPPMAN: We have got you in a very nice hotel.

I-- I don't know how you like to work,

I-- I don't know how you like to work,

but, uh, I can arrange for an office, if you like.

I work in hotel.

Is better. [WHISPERS] The hotel.

Away from all your little petty bickerings

and interference.

You know, Tolstoy used to write in the village square.

The faces inspired him.

He did not need inspiration.

God spoke through his pen.

Oh, that is so true. Yes.

Although, one wonders if War and Peace

would have been as highly acclaimed as it was

would have been as highly acclaimed as it was

had it been published under its original title,

War, What Is It Good For?

What?

Yeah. Mr. Lippman, it was his mistress who insisted

that he call it War and Peace.

Elaine.

War, What Is It Good For?

♪ Absolutely Nothin' ♪

♪ Huh! Say it again ♪

LIPPMAN: Elaine.

It's a song-- They took it from Tolstoy.

LIPPMAN: No. Elaine--

War, What Is It Good For? [LOUD BEEPING]

It's just her sense of humor. No, it's not.

That really is true. What is that noise?

Yes, it is. No, it's not.

That noise! What is it that noise?

That noise! What is it that noise?

It's traveling up my spine into my brain. Oh, um.

It's coming from your purse.

Oh, it must be my new organizer.

Yeah-- Testikov: That noise.

Turn it off.

Right, I think it's this--

No, it's the button-- I cannot stand it!

It's the button at the top. The top.

Will you turn it off?! The one at the top.

I'm gonna work on that one. Ah, give it to me!

JERRY: I did it for you.

I don't know what you had to tell her that for!

You put me in a very difficult position.

Marine biologist.

I'm very uncomfortable with this whole thing.

With all due respect, I would think it's right up your alley.

Well, it's not up my alley.

It's one thing if I make it up.

I know what I'm doin'. I know my alleys.

You got me in the Galapagos Islands

living with the turtles.

I don't know where the hell I am!

Well, you came in the other day

with all that whale stuff,

the squeaking and the squealing and--

the squeaking and the squealing and--

Look, why couldn't you make me an architect?

You know I always wanted to pretend

that I was an architect.

Well, I'm-- I'm supposed to see her tomorrow.

I'm gonna tell her what's going on.

I mean, maybe she just likes me for me.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, you want these?

I don't want 'em!

What?

I stink!

I can't play.

The ball is just sitting there, Jerry,

and I can't hit it.

and I can't hit it.

I only hit one good ball that went way out there.

Well, what happened?

I have no concentration!

What's-- What's-- What's wrong with your--?

Sand. I can't get rid of this sand.

Look, there's still some in here!

It won't go away.

Look at that. I even got sand in the pockets.

Hey, come on. You're gettin' it all over the floor!

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Yeah.

Yes, it is.

Yes, it is.

Really?

Uh-- Could you hold on a second?

Hey, listen to this:

Some woman found an electronic organizer.

My name was in it. She wants me to help track down the owner.

How'd she find it?

She's walkin' down the street,

and it hit her in the head.

So, I am walkin' along,

minding my own business,

when all of a sudden,

this thing comes flyin' out of nowhere

and clonks me right on the head.

Wow. Yeah.

So, they took me to the hospital. Yeah?

Yeah, and they put me in this thing

that feels like a coffin for 45 minutes.

You ever been in one of those things?

You can go berserk in there!

You have insurance.

I wish.

Unbelievable.

Yeah. [BEEPS LOUDLY]

Yeah. [BEEPS LOUDLY]

What is with this thing?

I don't know. It never shuts up.

So, anyway, you could see why I would be interested

in finding this person.

Absolutely. You should not have to pay for that.

[BEEPS]

Stop it. [BEEPS]

Stop it!

Let me have a look at this thing. You know,

somebody told me they saw

that thing come out of a limousine.

Typical rich people

using the world for their personal garbage can.

Boy, am I lucky your name came up.

I just pushed a button.

I'd like to know what my name's doin' in this creep's organizer.

I'd like to know what my name's doin' in this creep's organizer.

Yeah.

Who do I know who would have even been

in a limousine yesterday?

Oh-- Oh.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, hey. Hey.

Great organizer you gave me.

Oh, you liked it, huh?

It wouldn't stop beeping in the car,

so Testikov threw it out the window.

Oh. I transferred everything in there.

I threw out my old book.

I'm lost now, Kramer.

What? What is it?

This sand. It's everywhere.

Okay, I'll see ya later.

Okay, I'll see ya later.

[WHIMPERS]

Oh, there you are.

There you are.

So? So?

So, what do you have to say for yourself?

So, what do you have to say for yourself?

Why should I say anything for myself?

War, What Is It Good For?

Ah.

[CHUCKLES]

Who told you?

[CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY]

Yuri Testikov,

the Russian writer.

Hello-o-o.

[STAMPS FOOT]

You told Testikov...

You told Testikov...

that Tolstoy wanted to name his book

War, What Is It Good For?

Uh-huh.

And do you know what happened?

Can I take a guess?

Oh, please.

Oh, I don't know.

He threw your organizer out the window?

What? How do you know that?

Because I know who has it!

How did you find it?

The woman who got hit in the head with it

found my name, called me up and we met.

Where is it? Give it to me.

I don't have it.

I don't have it.

Why not?

She's not returning it

until she gets money for the hospital bill.

But I didn't do it.

Testikov did it. He should pay for it.

How much is Testikov gettin' from Pendant for this book?

One million.

Well, that's a start.

Then, of course, with evolution, the octopus lost the nostrils

and took on the more familiar look that we know today.

Really? Yeah.

But if you still look closely,

you can see a little bump where the nose used to be.

Heh, heh, heh. Ha.

But enough about fish.

But enough about fish.

I can discuss other things, you know.

Architecture.

JERRY: You know what room Testikov's in?

Yeah, 308. Oh, I'm crazy for doing this.

You want your organizer back, don't you?

Why are you so interested?

You wanna take her out?

Hey, when Superman saves someone,

nobody asks if he's tryin' to hit on her.

Well, you're not Superman.

Well, you're not Lois Lane.

Ah... Listen, you got the tape recorder?

Yeah, I got it.

You sure you wanna do this?

You sure you wanna do this?

Yeah, I gotta get Testikov on tape.

If this woman ends up

in the New England Journal of Medicine,

I'm not gonna pay for it.

Oh, here she comes.

Hi. Hi.

Elaine, this is Corinne.

Hello. Hi.

You got the organizer? [BEEPS]

[BEEPS]

We'll meet you back here in 10 minutes,

hopefully with the money.

Your parents must be so proud of you, George.

Oh, they're busting.

[CHUCKLES]

DIANE: What are those people doing over there?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

What?! Come in.

Come in. Come in, Miss Benes!

That is, if you can spare a minute

from your busy schedule.

Have you bring guests for my entertainment?

Yes, this is my friend, Jerry.

Um, he accompanied me, you know--

Ahem-- Single women in a big city can be dangerous, so--

Yeah, that's why I wear these sneakers.

In case of any trouble.

Zip! I'm gone.

Yeah, yeah. The sneakers.

All the Americans with the sneakers.

You always running from something.

You always running from something.

Yeah, well, sit! Stop running!

Two minutes. I give you latest manuscript.

Oh, Rimsky.

Great, great book, if I may say so, sir.

I almost read the whole thing.

[BEEPING]

What?

If you can't turn that thing off,

I'll have to ask you to leave.

I'm waitin' for two people.

Well, you can wait for them outside.

Yeah, I guess I'd better.

I wouldn't wanna take any attention away

from the hookers.

All right.

All right. Out. Out.

Whatever you say, Crowell.

What's goin' on over here?

There's a beached whale. She's dying.

MAN: Is anyone here a marine biologist?

TESTIKOV: Here is latest draft.

I see you next week, same time, same day.

On time, please.

Okay. It was nice meeting you.

Okay. It was nice meeting you.

Yeah, a real pleasure.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Testikov, um...

Do you remember the other day

when we were in the limo, and, uh,

my organizer started making noise,

and you threw it out the window?

How can I forget?

Well, um, would you believe

that it actually hit somebody in the head?

Right in the head.

Boing! Heh, heh. [SQUEAKING]

What is that noise?

What is that noise?

Uh, that's nothin'.

Um, and anyway, um--

What's going on, huh?

That noise! No--

No, that's my purse. That noise!

No, get-- Get off my purse!

It's a recorder! Huh! No, that's a radio!

You are spying on me!

[WHISTLING]

[WHIZZING]

[WHIZZING]

Aah!

CROWD: Come on! MAN: Save the whale.

You gotta do it!

Save the whale, George...for me.

GEORGE: So, I started to walk into the water.

GEORGE: So, I started to walk into the water.

I won't lie to you, boys.

I was terrified,

but I pressed on.

And as I made my way past the breakers,

a strange calm came over me.

I-- I don't know if it was divine intervention

or the kinship of all living things,

but I tell you, Jerry, at that moment,

I was a marine biologist.

George, I've just been reading this thing in the paper.

It's unbelievable.

I know, I was just telling the story.

Well, come on, George. Finish the story.

Well, come on, George. Finish the story.

The sea was angry that day, my friends...

like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.

I got about 50 feet out when suddenly,

the great beast appeared before me.

I tell ya, he was 10 stories high if he was a foot!

As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow.

As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow.

I said, "Easy, big fella."

And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized

that something was obstructing its breathing.

From where I was standing, I could see directly

into the eye of the great fish.

Mammal.

Whatever.

Well, what did you do next?

Well, then,

from out of nowhere,

a huge tidal wave lifted me,

tossed me like a cork,

and I found myself right on top of him,

face-to-face with the blowhole!

I-I-I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me,

I-I-I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me,

but...I knew something was there,

so I reached my hand in, felt around,

and pulled out the obstruction!

What is that, a Titleist?

What is that, a Titleist?

A hole in one, huh?

The crowd must have gone wild.

Oh, yes. Yes.

Yes, Jerry, they were all over me.

It was like Rocky I.

Diane came up to me,

threw her arms around me,

kissed me.

We both had tears streaming down our faces.

I never saw anyone so beautiful.

It was at that moment that I decided to tell her that

I was not a marine biologist.

I was not a marine biologist.

Wow. What did she say?

Told me to "go to hell," and I took the bus home.

All right. Let's go.

What, are you in a bad mood?

Nah, I got my laundry back.

[GASPS]

Golden Boy?

He didn't make it.

I'm sorry. Yeah.

This is Golden Boy's son...

Baby Blue.

What's with you?

What's with you?

Sand. It's everywhere!