Original subtitles

We never should have landed a man on the moon.

It's a mistake.

Now everything is compared to that one accomplishment.

Now we go, "I can't believe they can land a man on the moon,

and taste my coffee!"

I think we all would've been a lot happier

if we hadn't landed a man on the moon. We'd go:

"They can't make a prescription bottle top open easily?

"I'm not surprised they couldn't land man on the moon.

Things make perfect sense to me now."

Neil Armstrong should've said,

"That's one small step for man,

"one giant leap for every whining, complaining S.O.B.

"one giant leap for every whining, complaining S.O.B.

on the face of the earth."

[♪]

Hey, do you believe

I got Happy New Year-ed today?

It's February.

I once got Happy New Year-ed in March.

Disgusting. It's pathetic.

Hey, is it cold out?

Really cold.

Scary-cold?

What's your definition of scary-cold?

That.

That.

What is that?

[LAUGHING] What?

When did you get that?

This week.

My father got a deal from a friend of his.

It's Gore-Tex.

You know about Gore-Tex?

You like saying Gore-Tex, don't you?

Look at you.

You can't even turn around in that thing.

Look at this.

Hey, George, can you feel this?

Can you?

All right! All right! Knock it off!

All right! All right! Knock it off!

Come on, let's go.

We should stop off on the way

and get a bottle of wine or something.

What for?

These people invited us for dinner.

We have to bring something.

Why?

Because it's rude otherwise?

You mean, just going there

because I'm invited, that's rude?

Yes.

So you're telling me,

instead of them being happy to see me,

they'll be upset because I didn't bring anything.

You see what I'm saying?

The fabric of society is very complex, George.

The fabric of society is very complex, George.

I don't even drink wine.

I drink Pepsi.

You can't bring Pepsi.

Why not?

Because we're adults?

What, you're telling me

that wine is better than Pepsi?

[SNORTS]

No way wine is better than Pepsi.

I tell ya, George,

I don't think we want to walk in there

and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi

in the middle of the table.

I just don't like the idea

that any time there's a dinner invitation

there's this annoying little chore to go with it.

You know, you're getting to be

You know, you're getting to be

an annoying little chore yourself.

All right, let's go. Who's driving?

You are. I can't get that thing in my car.

[♪]

Where's the heat in this car?

Come on, Elaine. Warm me up. It's cold.

Jerry, get off of me. Just a little squeeze.

Get off! Get off of me! No!

Hee, hee, hee!

You're pretty comfortable up there, huh, bubble boy?

Oh, yeah. You wish you had this coat.

I was just thinking.

The four of us can't show up

with just one bottle of wine.

with just one bottle of wine.

Oh, here we go. What?

Why don't we get them a couch. [LAUGHS]

We'll rent a U-Haul, bring them a nice sectional.

We should bring some cake.

Will you stop off at the bakery?

Just get some Ring Dings from the liquor store.

Ring Dings?

They're better than anything you'll get at a bakery.

Ooh, I like Ring Dings.

George, you can't show up at someone's house

with Ring Dings and Pepsi.

Hey, your lights are on!

It's a funeral procession.

It's a funeral procession.

I got news for you.

I show up with Ring Dings and Pepsi,

I'd become the biggest hit of the party.

People would say, "Just between you and me,

I'm really excited about the Ring Dings and the Pepsi."

What are we, Europeans?

With the Beaujolais and the chardonnay...

Oh. That's the bakery. Stop here. Stop here. Okay.

Okay, let me out.

You, whatever your name is.

Jerry. Yeah. Jerry. Come with me.

So, we're gonna get the wine.

We'll pick you up here in 10 minutes?

Yeah. All right.

[♪]

[♪]

[ELAINE SNIFFS]

Mmm. I love the smell of bakeries.

Oh, look. The black and white cookie.

I love the black-and-white.

Two races of flavor

living side by side in harmony.

It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?

You know, I often wonder what you'll be like

when you're senile.

I'm looking forward to it.

I think it'll be a smooth transition for you.

Thank you.

Look at all this stuff. What are we getting?

Chocolate babka. That's their specialty.

Love that babka.

Love that babka.

Yeah, yeah.

But when we get up to the door,

you hold the cake box.

Why?

I don't know. Just standing there,

holding a box by the little string...

You think it's effeminate?

It's a tad dainty.

[GASPS]

Oh, we forgot to pick a number.

See, that's not fair.

We were here ahead of all these people.

You think I should go and ask her for hers?

Ah, no, forget it.

No, no, no. It's not fair!

Just because they have a ticket

doesn't mean they were here first. We were here.

doesn't mean they were here first. We were here.

And we were ahead of them, and them, and her.

Come on, let's just go ask them. Come on.

Excuse me...

KRAMER [SIGHING]: I'm not finding a spot here.

What do you wanna do?

Just double-park. No, no.

Why not? I'll get a ticket.

Besides, what if somebody wants to get out of here?

Are you kidding? People get spaces this good,

they never give them up.

That's a fallacy.

All right, I tell you what.

Why don't you go into the store. I'll wait in the car.

Why don't you go into the store, and I'll wait in the car.

Why don't you go into the store, and I'll wait in the car.

Because I've got the coat.

I can sit in the car and not get cold.

So what? I'm gonna leave the car heater running.

Does the heater even work?

No.

Hey, there's a spot,

right in front of the liquor store!

You see? I see.

You see?! Ho, ho, ho!

[♪]

But we were here ahead of you!

How do I know that?

Well, we saw you come in.

Well, that's easy for you to say.

Yeah, right. That's something I do all the time.

I make up stories to get ahead in lines at bakeries.

I make up stories to get ahead in lines at bakeries.

ATTENDANT: Forty-six!

Wait-- Wait a second.

Are you Barbara Benedict?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

I don't-- I-- I know you.

I'm Elaine Benes.

Do you remember?

We met at Linda van Brak's baby shower.

I'm on my way over there right now.

Yeah, me too.

You're Jerry, right? David.

You're Jerry, right? David.

Well, this is a little awkward, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

You know, we were here ahead of you.

You're not getting my number!

Oh, so you still don't believe us!

Forty-seven!

That's us!

Oh, okay, fine. Fine. Go ahead.

But listen. As soon as I get there,

I'm gonna tell everyone what a jerk you are.

I'll be there ahead of you,

and I'll be telling them what a jerk you are!

and I'll be telling them what a jerk you are!

I'll have the chocolate babka.

You're lucky, Mrs. Benedict. It's our last one.

[♪]

All right, what are we getting?

It's hot in here.

Hm. What do you say we get a Mouton Cadet?

What's that?

It's a Bordeaux.

Robust, bold, very dry,

as opposed to a Beaujolais,

which is richer and fruitier.

which is richer and fruitier.

All right, here's one. Twelve dollars.

Twelve dollars?!

I knew we should've gone to the bakery.

I guarantee you they're not getting no $12 cake!

I'll pay you back later. I don't have my wallet.

Why not?

'Cause I don't like to carry my wallet.

My osteopath says it's bad for my spine.

Throws my hips off-kilter.

Throws my hips off-kilter.

[MUTTERING] Throws your hips off-kilter.

So where's your money?

I never take it.

So, what do you do?

Oh, I get by.

[♪]

See you later.

See you later! See you later.

That's the last babka.

They got the last babka. I know!

They're going in first with the last babka.

That was our babka.

You can't beat a babka!

We had that babka!

They're gonna be heroes!

What are we gonna do now?

If we can't get the babka,

If we can't get the babka,

the whole thing's useless.

Well, how about a carrot cake?

Carrot cake? Why is that a cake?

You don't make carrots into a cake. I'm sorry!

Black forest?

Black forest? Too scary.

You're in the forest. Ooh.

Hey, how about a napoleon?

Napoleon?

Who's he to have a cake?

He was a ruthless warmonger!

Might as well get a Mengele.

That was our babka! We had that babka!

What's this one?

That? Cinnamon babka.

[GASPS] Another babka?

There's chocolate, and there's cinnamon.

Well, we gotta get the cinnamon.

But they got the chocolate.

We'll be going in with lesser babka.

I beg your pardon?

Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka!

People love cinnamon!

It should be on tables in restaurants

along with salt and pepper!

Anytime someone says,

"This is so good! What's in this?",

the answer invariably comes back: cinnamon,

cinnamon, again and again.

cinnamon, again and again.

Lesser babka?

I think not.

Forty-nine!

I'll have a cinnamon babka.

And a black-and-white cookie for me.

Peace.

That'll be 13.05.

All right. Here you go.

A hundred? I can't change that.

You can't?

Ha-ha. All right, let's go.

Wait a second.

I can get change.

I can get change.

Hey! Anybody got change for a hundred?

Are you crazy? You'll get us killed!

What?

Don't go shouting we got a $100 bill!

People will be jumping out of windows!

Go buy something, and we'll get change.

I am not buying something just to get change.

George, there's a newsstand right over there. Come on.

What are we doing?

Just get some gum or something.

Pack of gum. Here you go.

What is it, a hundred? I can't change a hundred.

Why not?

You got to buy more that that.

Here. Get a newspaper.

Newspaper.

Not enough.

Clark bar.

Clark bar.

Keep going.

We're up to 2 dollars here!

George, get a Penthouse Forum.

I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum!

I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum!

That'll make great dinner-party conversation.

We'll read the letters at the dinner table.

Oh, that's nice.

Ever read one of these?

It's not real. They're all made up!

Oh, it's real.

Hey, you know, then there's an unusual

number of people in this country

having sex with amputees!

Penthouse Forum,

newspaper, gum, Clark bar.

newspaper, gum, Clark bar.

Six seventy-five.

Oh, great. All right, with the wine,

I'm in over $20 now!

[MAN YELLS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Big coat! Big coat!

Yes.

I'm sorry. It's a new coat.

It's Gore-Tex.

You better be careful with that thing.

You'll start a war.

Mm.

See, the key to eating a black-and-white cookie

See, the key to eating a black-and-white cookie

is you wanna get some black

and some white in each bite.

Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate.

And yet, still somehow racial harmony eludes us.

If people would only look to the cookie,

all our problems would be solved.

Your views on race relations are just fascinating.

You really should do an op-ed piece for The Times.

Mm.

Look to the cookie, Elaine.

Look to the cookie.

Oh, what is this?

Oh, what is this?

What?

It's a hair.

Oh!

Oh, take it back. Let's get another one.

We're late as it is. I'll take it off.

No, get another one. It'll take a second.

All right. All right.

Excuse me--

Hey, hey. I'm on line here.

No, we just bought this.

Um, you sold us a cake with a hair on it.

You have to take a number.

We waited 15 minutes for this!

You sell me a cake with a hair on it,

You sell me a cake with a hair on it,

and then you want me to wait?

What are you doing? You're gonna wait now?

I'm not gonna eat a cake with a hair on it.

It was a little hair. I took it off.

A little hair?

Do you think that makes it better?

What if it's your hair? What if it's your hair?

What is wrong with my hair?

Nobody takes better care

of their hair than me.

You could serve dinner on my head.

You use that misty herbal rainwater crap

they sell in the health food store.

I use Prell, the hard stuff.

Hundred proof. Takes your roots out!

Okay, fine.

Okay, fine.

We'll just wait till she calls the number.

Maybe we should just forget about the cake.

No! I'm bringing cake!

[♪]

All right, we got the wine.

Aren't we lucky? We got wine.

Whoopee-whoa!

Imagine if we didn't bring the wine.

We'd be shunned by society.

Outcasts!

"Where's your wine? Get out!"

"I know this is gonna sound

"like a crazy fantasy,

"but every word of this story is true.

"but every word of this story is true.

"A few weeks ago,

"my girlfriend happened to mentioned to me

how attractive she thought our new neighbor Linda was."

Look-- Look at this.

Somebody double-parked and blocked us in!

Does anybody know whose car that is?

Maybe there's a note on it.

Oh, brother.

No! No note!

Can you believe this?

"Of course, I noticed her, too,

"with those ample breasts and pouty lips.

I don't have to tell you, she was a knockout."

I really cannot comprehend

how stupid people can be sometimes!

Can you comprehend it?

No, I can't comprehend it.

We can put a man on the moon,

but we're still basically very stupid.

This car's driver could be a guy

that built the rocket.

See what I'm saying?

He could build the rocket, but he's still stupid

for double-parking and blocking somebody in.

You really understand my point

about building rockets and double-parking.

On one hand he's smart with rockets,

and on the other hand he's dumb with parking.

It's cold out here, huh?

Maybe it's not even stupidity.

Maybe it's not even stupidity.

Maybe it's just a blatant disregard

for basic human decency.

This is how dictators start.

Think Mussolini would circle the block

six times looking for a spot?

How about Idi Amin, huh?

If I was running for office,

I'd ask for the death penalty for double-parkers!

If this is allowed to go on, this is not a society.

This is anarchy!

Are those shoes comfortable?

No, not really. They look comfortable.

I know, that's why I bought them,

but they're not comfortable.

[♪]

Why couldn't we take the hair off and go?

Why couldn't we take the hair off and go?

No, that's out of the question.

Why?

Because I had a bad experience

with a hair when I was younger.

What happened?

I'd rather not talk about it.

You can't tell me?

All right.

I once found a hair in my farina,

and I freaked out.

You found a hair in your farina?

Yeah. What happened?

I started screaming, "There's a hair in my farina! There's a hair in my farina!"

And I ran out of the house,

and I was running and running.

and I was running and running.

I was little, but I could run really fast.

I just kept running.

They found me three hours later,

collapsed at a construction site.

[COUGHING IN BACKGROUND]

Wow.

Whose hair was it?

My mother's.

Oh...

Fifty-eight.

Ooh, that's us. Oh, good.

You sold us a hair with a cake around it.

We'd like another one.

[COUGHING]

JERRY: Oh, that's lovely.

That's what you want to see, yeah.

That's what you want to see, yeah.

[COUGHING CONTINUES]

Yeah, you wanna trade your hair for some phlegm.

[COUGHING CONTINUES]

That's a good deal. You win the pennant

with that trade: hair for phlegm.

Here you are.

Okay. All right, we got the cake now.

Where is George and Kramer?

[CAR HORN HONKING]

KRAMER: Hey, double-parker!

Show yourself!

Come on out! I'm freezing!

[HONKING HORN]

We are really late now.

We are really late now.

We're in big trouble. Big trouble.

Why? You know...

Elaine.

What about her?

I'm a little scared of her.

You're scared of Elaine?

Yes! Why?

Did you ever see her lose her temper?

I was once late 'cause I bought a Panama hat.

She grabbed it by the brim, pulled it down so hard,

my head came right through the top.

Let's go inside the liquor store.

I'm freezing in here.

Why don't you just wear a heavier coat.

I wanted to look good for the party.

GEORGE: Oh, hey, hey, hey!

GEORGE: Oh, hey, hey, hey!

That's great! That's very nice!

We been waiting 20 minutes for you people!

You think you're Mussolini?

Back off, puffball, it's not my car!

Wasn't talking to you.

KRAMER: I'm going in.

Wait till I get my hands on that George.

I am going to pull that big hood

over his little head,

tie the strings

and suffocate him.

and suffocate him.

You remember that Panama hat?

Ha!

That was nothing.

Huh? What?

What's the matter with you?

I don't know. I don't feel so good.

What's wrong?

My stomach.

I think it was that cookie.

The black-and-white?

Yeah.

Not getting along?

I think I got David Duke and Farrakhan down there.

Well, if we can't look to the cookie,

Well, if we can't look to the cookie,

where can we look?

I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

Wait. What about your vomit streak?

I know.

I haven't thrown up since June 29, 1980.

Ow! Oh!

[GASPING]

Sorry.

Sorry?

You almost took my toe off!

Why don't you watch what you're doing,

you lunatic!

Oh, Jerry, I think he broke my toe.

Oh, Jerry, I think he broke my toe.

Wh-- Where you going?

Fourteen years down the drain.

You think chickens have individual personalities?

[SHIVERING ] I don't know.

If you had five chickens, could you tell them apart

just by the way they acted,

or would they all just be walking around?

[CLUCKS LIKE CHICKEN]

If they have individual personalities,

I'm not sure we should be eating them.

What's the matter with you?

[CHATTERS INCOHERENTLY]

Can I help you guys with anything?

No, no.

We bought the wine here before.

We're just waiting for some double-parker to unblock us.

We're just waiting for some double-parker to unblock us.

Well, wait outside. This isn't a hangout.

But my friend here has hypothermia!

Hypothermia.

All right, guys...

take it outside.

[BOTTLES CRASH]

You're paying for these.

How was it?

How was it?

Good as it gets.

You know, that coat was Gore-Tex.

It's worth a hell of a lot more

than that cheap chardonnay.

You know, I'm freezing? I'm definitely freezing.

I can't stop shaking.

I'm cold too. At least you got a coat.

Let's get in the car.

Oh, my god.

That's Saddam Hussein, the dictator!

I told you! I told you!

HUSSEIN: I wouldn't walk around without a coat in this weather.

You'll catch your death of cold. So long.

You'll catch your death of cold. So long.

[♪]

Can I get you anything else?

Oh, no, thanks.

How about a nice box of scram?

Somebody double-parked! We couldn't help it!

It might've been Saddam Hussein. We're not sure.

He had a British accent, though.

What-- What happened to you?

Somebody put a cane on my foot...

just like the one I'm gonna put up your--

just like the one I'm gonna put up your--

Hey, what happened to your coat?

And what's that smell? What, are you drunk?

I had to give it to the liquor store guy.

What for?

I spilled some chardonnay.

So, what did you get?

Cinnamon babka.

Cinnamon?

Why didn't you get chocolate?

George... What?

[SHIVERING]

[♪]

[KNOCKING]

[KNOCKING]

Here.

Here's your cake.

And your wine.

See ya.

See ya.

[♪]

I heard a weatherman say

that 75 percent of your body heat

is actually lost through the top of the head,

which sounds like you could go skiing naked

if you got a good hat.

But there's no hat that makes a statement

quite like the hat with the flaps.

The hat with the flaps makes a statement

that no other hat makes.

This hat says to the world,

"I would rather have the heat in my skull

than anything society could possibly offer me."

than anything society could possibly offer me."

In fact, I would say

if you're on trial for a serious crime

and your lawyer recommends the insanity defense,

this is the hat to wear.

Your lawyer should insist. He should just go:

"Your Honor, the defense rests."