Original subtitles

You can always tell what was the best year of your father's life

because they seem to freeze that clothing style

and just ride it out to the end, don't they?

And it's not like they don't continue shopping,

it's just they somehow manage to find new old clothes.

Every father is like this fashion time capsule,

you know what I mean?

It's like they should be on a pedestal

with someone next to 'em goin', "This was 1965."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

To me, the worst thing is shopping for pants.

I hate dressing and undressing in that little room.

What men need is a place to shop where you go in,

you check your pants at the door,

and you just walk around the store in your underwear.

and you just walk around the store in your underwear.

That would be the best way.

Then you'd really have to lie to the salesman.

"Need some help?"

"No, just getting some air."

How would you describe the smell in this house?

Dandruff?

Yeah, that's part of it.

Kasha?

There's some kasha.

Yeah. Dandruff, kasha, mothballs, cheap carpeting.

It's potpourri, really.

All right, let's go. Come on.

What, you're going?

Yeah. We shouldn't have bowled that last game.

I'm gonna be late.

Hey. These aren't candies, are they?

Did you use those?

These are guest soaps.

Well, I'm a guest.

Now my parents are gonna know I had people over.

Not allowed to have people over?

I can't have any parties while they're out of town.

This is a party?

Not anymore. Come on, get your ball.

We're leavin'. Let's go, let's go.

Whoa!

Who put this cup right on the new table?!

I was having coffee.

I put it on the coffee table.

But you didn't use a coaster! Jerry, you left a stain.

Oh, boy, there's always one at every party, huh?

Oh, boy, there's always one at every party, huh?

Come on.

What's the big rush?

I'm having people over.

Who?

The girls for poker night.

You know, Joanne, Renee, Winona--

Ah, ah, ah.

Winona's gonna be there?

Yeah. And she broke up with the vitamin guy.

Really?

I'll put in a good word for you.

Thanks. Because I would really--

[SCREAMS]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I tell you, this is not coming out.

Just put a coffee-table book over it.

My parents don't read.

They're gonna wonder what a book is doing on the table.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You know what would make a great coffee-table book?

A coffee-table book about coffee tables.

Get it?

Got it. Come on, let's go.

Wait, wait, wait. Not so fast.

Jerry, you gotta take me to get this thing refinished.

Now?

Yes, now. It's gonna take a few days,

and my parents are gonna be back.

I gotta have it back before then.

Jerry, you promised you'd get me home by 7.

All right, we'll take the subway.

That'll get you home in time.

Oh. The subway? From Queens?

I'm gonna get my coat.

I'm sorry, Elaine, I'll make it up to you.

I need something to read on the subway.

I need something to read on the subway.

Here, read this.

TV Guide?

Like a history of coffee tables.

Celebrities and their coffee tables.

It's a natural.

This is a story that must be told.

Mm-hmm.

So you gonna talk to your boss about it, huh?

Mm-hmm. First thing in the morning.

Yes, indeed.

CONDUCTOR: Next stop, Queensborough Plaza.

Oh. Queensborough Plaza.

This stop is famous for its gyros.

You want one?

How are you gonna get something

How are you gonna get something

and get back on the train in time?

Well, they got a stand right out on the platform.

The gyros are cooked and wrapped and ready to go.

Three dollars, no change.

You want one?

No thanks.

All right. But no bites.

Highlighter?

Excuse me?

To highlight the programs you plan to watch.

Uh, look, really, I'm-- I'm just trying to read.

Fine, okay. It's just...

Fine, okay. It's just...

I've never seen a beautiful lady reading...the Guide...

so far away from the TV.

You must really like television.

KRAMER: Hey!

Guess your boyfriend will have to catch the next train.

He's not my boyfriend.

He's not?

He's not?

Interesting.

Hey, maybe I should get Elaine something.

Why?

Ah, you know, I didn't drive her home,

plus I give her a gift in front of Winona,

how does that hurt me?

Can't hurt you.

What about--? What about this thing?

The Indian?

Yeah, you know, kind of a peace offering.

It's cute.

Well, I can have the table ready for you on Monday.

All right, but no later 'cause my parents are coming back.

All right, but no later 'cause my parents are coming back.

They left you home alone, huh?

Oh.

Okay, see?

On this particular Tuesday,

you could have watched six hours of Lucy.

There's I Love Lucy...

The Lucy Show...

Here's Lucy.

Oh! Ha-ha. It's my stop.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Bye-bye.

Hey, miss, you forgot this!

They don't make these anymore.

The work is all done by hand. It takes years and years.

Sylvia!

For cryin' out loud, you're 45 minutes late.

Yeah, yeah.

[GIGGLES]

Is that your car out there?

Is that your car out there?

No, it's his.

Oh, nice.

You guys are obviously from Manhattan?

Well, he is. I-- I live around the corner.

Really? Hm.

I didn't think any cool guys lived in this neighborhood.

Well, they do now.

The neighborhood's changing.

All right, I'll take it.

Smart choice.

Wow, you bought the Indian?

Oh, you guys have great taste.

Oh, you guys have great taste.

Well, we're collectors.

We, uh, see objects of great beauty and, uh...

we must have them.

Bluffed you out, jack. Pair of deuces.

Ohhh.

[ELAINE LAUGHS]

[KNOCKING] Who is it?

It's Jerry.

What?

Jerry!

Surprise!

Surprise!

What is this?

Well, I felt bad about this afternoon,

so I got you something.

Oh, you did.

Do you guys all know Jerry?

Hi, Jerry. Yeah. Hi.

Hi. Hi, Winona.

Nice to see you again.

Elaine, is it your birthday?

No.

I don't need a reason to give gifts.

It's my nature. I love to make people happy.

Oh, that is so sweet. Ohhh.

Are you ready? Yeah.

Ta-da!

It's a cigar-store Indian.

Read the card.

That's very nice. Thank you very much.

Read it out loud.

I-- I don't think so.

Jerr--

We had a little fight this afternoon.

"Let's bury the hatchet. We smokem peace pipe."

You know, it's late. I really should go.

I, uh-- I don't blame you, Winona. I--

I, uh-- I don't blame you, Winona. I--

♪ Hey-ya, ho-ah Hey-ya, ho-ah ♪

♪ Ho-ah, ha Hey-ya, ho-ya ♪

♪ Hey-ya, ho Hey-ya, ho-ah ♪

Are you out of your mind?

It's-- It's-- It's kitschy.

Winona is a Native American.

She is?

You've got very unusual taste.

I hope prune juice is all right.

I hope prune juice is all right.

It's the only thing I had that was chilled.

Oh, that's fine.

I'm sorry about that lock on the liquor cabinet.

The, uh-- The combination must have just flown out of my head.

It's a mental block.

Ah. Is this your son in the bubble bath?

No, that's me.

Oh.

You don't see too many guys your age

who keep baby pictures of themselves around.

[CHUCKLES]

I like it.

I like it.

Consistent with the rest of the house.

Yes, it is consistent.

I've, uh-- I've tried to maintain

a consistent feel throughout the house.

What is this we're listening to?

The Ray Conniff singers.

Mmmmm.

What's that smell?

Kasha?

It's a potpourri.

May I, uh...?

May I show you the master bedroom?

May I show you the master bedroom?

WINONA: Who is it?

Uh, Winona, it's Jerry Seinfeld.

Yeah?

Um, listen, I really feel bad about what happened. I-- I--

I'd really like to apologize. Can I come up?

[SIGHS]

I'll come down.

I came by to get my ball.

It's right over there.

Oh. Yeah, thanks.

Yeah, it's got the magic grip.

How do you think I bowled that 220 today, huh?

Yo.

Where did this come from?

Where did this come from?

Do you want it?

I can have this?

Ha. Yeah.

You wanna lug it uptown, it's yours.

Oh, I'll lug.

It's just that it's a very sensitive issue for me.

And well it should be.

I think if you spent any time with me at all,

you'd see I'm very sensitive to these matters as well.

You wouldn't be hungry by any chance, would you?

I guess I could go for a bite. Do you like Chinese food?

'Cause I once went to a great Szechwan restaurant

in this neighborhood. I don't remember the address.

Uh, excuse me.

You must know where the Chinese restaurant is?

You must know where the Chinese restaurant is?

Why must I know? Because I'm Chinese?

You think I know where all the Chinese restaurants are?

Oh, ask honorable Chinaman for "rocation" of restaurants.

No, I thought because you're the mailman

you would know the neighborhood.

Oh, hello, American Joe, which way to hamburger/hot-dog stand?

I...

I didn't know--

It's late. I should probably just go home.

I-I had no idea--

Hey, Jerry, look what I got!

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

Looks pretty good.

Yeah, he did a good job.

Yeah, I don't think they'll be able to tell.

You know, I don't get it.

You're not allowed to ask a Chinese person

where a Chinese restaurant is?

I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive?

I mean, somebody asks me which way is Israel,

I don't fly off the handle.

So, anyway, what's, uh--? What's the status with, uh--?

She kinda calmed down. I talked to her today.

In fact, I'm gonna see her tonight.

In fact, I'm gonna see her tonight.

Oh, great.

But I'm a little uncomfortable.

I'm afraid of making another mistake.

Ah, come on--

Hello, hello!

[FLATLY] Oh. Hey. Your home. Hi.

Oh, Georgie!

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, the house looks very nice.

Yeah, huh?

Where's the mail?

Hello, Jerry. Hello.

So how was the trip?

Eh. Your father.

Is there anything wrong

with getting a receipt at a toll booth?

I'm going upstairs.

This stack should be bigger.

This stack should be bigger.

Where's the TV Guide?

What TV Guide?

I'm missing TV Guide volume 41 number 31.

Uh, Elaine took it to read on the subway.

Elaine took it?

I didn't know she took it.

Ah, it's two weeks old.

How could you let her take the TV Guide?!

He collects them.

You collect TV Guide?

The nerve of that woman walking into my house,

The nerve of that woman walking into my house,

stealing my collectibles.

ESTELLE: Oh, my God!

This was in our bed.

Wh--?

What is this?

A prophylactic rubber?

What is this doing on my bed?!

I don't know. Uh...

I'll see you later.

You were having sex on our bed?

Yes.

Who told you you could have sex in our bed?

[WHINES] Well, my bed is too small!

Your bed is too small?

I'm gone two weeks, and you turn our house into...

Into Bourbon Street?

Where am I going to sleep?

What're you talkin' about?

I can't sleep in there!

I can't sleep in there!

Of course, you can.

I can't.

I can't!

That's it.

You're grounded.

You can't ground me, I'm a grown man.

You wanna live here...

you respect the rules of our house.

You're grounded!

So...where are we gonna go eat?

Oh, I thought we'd eat at the Gentle Harvest.

Oh, I thought we'd eat at the Gentle Harvest.

Ooh, I love that place, but it's usually so crowded.

Can we get a table?

Oh, don't worry. I made reser--

You made what?

I, uh...

I, uh-- I arranged for the appropriate accommodations.

Mm.

And then...

Knick tickets.

Floor seats. Oh!

How did you get these?

Got 'em on the street from the scal--

From who?

From who?

A, uh...

One of those guys.

What guys?

You know, the guys that, uh--

They sell the tickets to the sold out events.

Oh. Wait a second.

You got the Mark McEwen TV Guide.

That's Al Roker.

Oh, well, they're both chubby weathermen.

I get Dom DeLuise and Paul Prudhomme mixed up too.

Could I have this?

Sure, take it.

Thanks.

JERRY: So Winona had the TV Guide.

Told you I'd make it up to you.

Ah. So, Mr. Costanza was pretty mad, huh?

Yeah. You almost ruined his life's work.

Yeah. You almost ruined his life's work.

He collects these?

Yeah.

Wow.

All right, well, I will personally go out to Queens

and deliver his Al Roker TV Guide to him.

What'd you do with the one you took?

I don't know.

[HUMMING I LOVE LUCY THEME]

Oh, hey.

Hey. Hi.

Hey. Hi.

Yeah, uh, Elaine, what did, uh--?

What did he say, huh?

What did who say?

Your boss.

Didn't you tell him about the coffee-table book?

Um...

Yeah, you didn't tell him, did you?

Kramer, it is such a dumb idea.

I would be-- Wait a minute, on the cover--

I would be embarrassed to bring it up.

I thought it was a pretty good idea.

It's about coffee tables, it's on a coffee table.

Yeah, right, right.

And on the cover is a built-in coaster.

Chk!

All right, I'm gonna go.

Where are you goin'?

I'm gonna go to the cigar stores.

I'm gonna see if I can sell that Indian.

My Indian?

You know, I think it's worth something.

It's kitschy. Chk!

How do you just walk into a house

and take a TV Guide?

How does she expect you to watch TV?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Am I just supposed to turn it on

Am I just supposed to turn it on

and wander aimlessly around the dial?

Hello. Is Elaine home?

Elaine Benes?

Oh, she's my son's friend.

And she's not welcome in this house.

Oh, 'cause I made her this very special gift, okay.

It's-- It's a bouquet of paper from her TV Guide.

That's my TV Guide!

Ripped to shreds.

She gave that to you?

Hey!

Is that the Twilight Zone you're watching?

Is that the Twilight Zone you're watching?

Yeah.

Oh, this is a good one.

CONDUCTOR: Next stop, Queensborough Plaza.

ELAINE: Mmm, gyro.

I like your place. It's very unassuming.

I like your place. It's very unassuming.

Oh, why would I assume? I never assume.

It leads to assumptions.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, by the way, that TV Guide I gave you?

I need it back.

Why?

I'm doing a report on minorities in the media,

and I wanted to use that interview with Al Roker.

It's too late. I gave it to Elaine.

She's already on her way to give it to George's father.

Jerry, I really need it back.

I-it is mine.

You can't give something and then take it back.

I mean, what are you, a--? A...?

What?

A, uh...

A person that, uh...

A person that, uh...

A person that what?

Well, a person that gives something,

and then they're dissatisfied, and they wish they had never--

And? Gi-given--

Given it to the person that they originally gave it to.

You mean like...

an Indian giver?!

I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that term.

I like the special fall preview issues the best.

Those...

I've been saving those from the beginning.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

These are worth, like, a lot of money.

Oh, hello, Elaine. Hello.

MAN: Elaine!

Hello.

You look scrumptious.

Why'd you take my TV Guide?

I'm so sorry about that, Mr. Costanza.

I'm so sorry about that, Mr. Costanza.

But look, look.

I brought you another one.

I made this for you.

Oh.

Thank you.

What is this? You got stains all over it.

What the hell'd you do?

Hey, you can't talk to her like that.

I'll talk to her any way I want!

Come on, Elaine, let's go.

My coffee table!

KRAMER: I don't understand.

How can you have a cigar store without an Indian?

It's unseemly.

I'll give you a box of coronas for it.

I'll give you a box of coronas for it.

Forget it.

E-excuse me, are--?

Are you, uh, selling this Indian?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm just redecorating my office

Uh-huh. in a southwestern motif

and this would be perfect.

Give you $500 for it?

Giddyup. Yeah?

Could you help me bring it up to my office?

I'm right next door, Pendant Publishing.

Pendant Publishing.

Giddyup again.

Mr. Lippman, I'm sorry. I was in Queens and--

Oh.

Oh.

Kramer.

Yeah, hi, Elaine.

What're you doing in here with that?

Well, it's a... business transaction.

Listen, the petty cash just had 10s and 20s.

Go ahead, count it. Yeah.

I'm sure it's all here.

You know, I was just admiring

your coffee table out there in the hall.

You like that, huh?

I had that custom made for me in Santa Fe.

You mind if I use it in my book?

What book?

Well, I'm doing a coffee-table book on coffee tables.

About coffee tables?

About coffee tables?

Uh-huh.

That's fantastic.

Who's your publisher?

Well, I'm still shopping it around.

Yeah?

You see...

this is the kind of idea you should be coming in with.

What the hell do you do around here all day, anyway?

Um, well, I read manuscripts--

God, that Indian really completes the room.

Don't you think?

[SIGHS]

I know this coffee table. It's George Costanza's.

I know this coffee table. It's George Costanza's.

It's mine. I'm his mother.

Oh, I haven't seen George for a while.

He must be working very hard.

George doesn't work.

He's a bum.

That's why he lives at home with us.

He does?

I don't know why we didn't think of this before.

We just could call TV Guide.

I don't know.

Well, it's gonna make Mr. Costanza very happy.

I guess.

What's the matter?

What do you think is the matter?

I've been assigned to work on Kramer's coffee-table book.

I've been assigned to work on Kramer's coffee-table book.

It is a good idea, Elaine.

CONDUCTOR: Next stop, Queensborough Plaza.

Do you want a gyro?

I don't think so.

Elaine!

Ah, guess your boyfriend's gonna have to catch the next train.

He's not my boyfriend.

He's not?

Interesting.

I was always excited as a kid

when that new TV Guide would come.

Somehow when that front cover's nice and flat,

it seems like there's good, fresh TV shows in there.

Then as the week goes by, you start to hate the TV.

All the shows stink.

Everything's gettin' all crumpled and ripped

from being sat on, thrown across the room.

TV Guide is always thrown, never handed to another person.

It's the world's most thrown reading material.

"Where's the TV Guide? There it is."

You know, in the back of the TV Guide,

they have a phone number, 95 cents a minute,

they have a phone number, 95 cents a minute,

they'll give you the answers to the TV Guide crossword puzzle.

My question is, if you can't do the TV Guide crossword puzzle,

where are you comin' across 95 cents?