Original subtitles

Whenever you ask for the doggy bag in a restaurant,

there's a certain sense of failure there, isn't it?

People always whisper it to the waiter,

[WHISPERING] "Uh, excuse me, uh...

"I'm sorry,

"you're gonna have to give me the doggy bag. I--

[TEARFULLY] I couldn't make it."

And it is embarrassing,

because a doggy bag means either you were out at a restaurant

when you're not hungry, or you've chosen

the stupidest possible way to get dog food

that there is.

How about the doggy bag on a date?

That's a good move for a guy, huh?

Let me tell you something.

Let me tell you something.

If you're a guy, and you ask for the doggy bag on a date,

you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals too.

You're not gonna be needing those for a while, either.

[HUMMING]

Is that bothering you?

No. Not at all.

It's the BMW.

Oh, could you please hurry?

[SWEETLY] "Please hurry."

Look at you. Look what you've become.

What? What have I become?

I haven't become anything.

Oh, Carl can't wait

a few more minutes?

I don't want to keep him waiting.

He'll like you more.

He'll like you more.

That's impossible.

Why do you have to pick your teeth at the table?

Leave me alone.

WOMAN: It's disgusting.

Yeah, I'm gonna get married real soon.

So where am I dropping you?

His place.

This guy's got quite a racket.

I take you to dinner, and then drop you off at his apartment.

And he gets the rest of my chicken.

So is tonight the night?

♪ You never know ♪

Ooh! Baby doll.

Thank you, brother.

Boy, do you smell something?

Do I smell something?

What am I, hard of smelling?

Of course I smell something.

What is it?

I think it's BO.

I think it's BO.

What?

It's BO. The valet must've had BO.

It can't be.

Nobody has BO like this.

Jerry, it's B...O.

But the whole car smells.

So?

So when somebody has BO,

the O usually stays with the B.

Once the B leaves, the O goes with it.

Oh! Oh, my God!

I can't believe you ski.

I'm a great skier.

Yeah, what else?

Let's see.

I ski, I fish,

I pillage, I plunder.

[LAUGHS]

You pillage and plunder?

When I travel.

See, finally.

Finally I get to meet a man

who pillages and plunders.

I'm so lucky.

[SNIFFS]

This should only take a second.

Yeah, I'm gonna poke around.

GEORGE: Hey, what do you know?

Look at that.

A lesbian sighting.

Ho, ho! My lucky day.

They're so fascinating.

They're so fascinating.

Why is that?

Because they don't want us.

You gotta respect that.

Oh, my God!

It's Susan!

But what do I do?

George?

Hngh-agh!

Susan!

SUSAN: Hi!

Hi!

[LAUGHS]

Oh, boy!

What are you doing here?

Renting a video.

What do you got there?

Oh, some stupid movie.

This is Mona.

Oh, uh...

Oh, uh...

Hi.

Pleasure to meet you.

Yes. Well...

I'll let you two, uh, catch up.

You okay?

Yeah. Yes.

I just haven't seen you in a long time.

And you didn't expect me

to be holding hands with a woman.

Oh, please! [CHUCKLES]

Me?

Come on, that's great.

Are you kidding? I think that's fantastic.

Are you kidding? I think that's fantastic.

I've always encouraged experimentation.

I'm the first guy in the pool.

Who do you think you're talking to?

I know who I'm talking to.

Of course you do, yeah.

It's just, you know,

I never knew...

that, uh...

I like women? There you go.

So, uh...

how long has this been going on?

Since you and I broke up.

Ssssso after me, you...

Ssssso after me, you...

went that way?

Yeah.

[LAUGHS] I think that's fantastic.

Good for you.

Nice. That's very nice.

So, what do you got there? Oh, I don't--

Ahhh, Rochelle, Rochelle.

It's a foreign movie.

A film is what it is, actually.

Yeah, a lot of nudity in that, huh?

No, no, no, a t-tiny bit.

No, no, no, a t-tiny bit.

It's not even frontal nudity.

It's, uh, side-al nudity.

MAN: Next!

Ooh.

That's me.

All right, well, good seeing you, George.

Yes, good to see you, too.

And good luck with, uh...

With the whole thing there.

Uh, what are you returning?

Uh, Rochelle, Rochelle.

Oh, Rochelle, Rochelle.

A young girl's strange, erotic journey Yeah.

from Milan to Minsk? Yeah.

Uh, that'll be $3.49.

$3.49? It says $1.49.

Well, you didn't rewind it.

There's a $2.00 charge for not rewinding.

Yeah, b-b-b-- But there's no signs here.

This is an outrage. What are you--?

George, don't give him any money for that.

It'll cost you less to keep it another day,

rewind it, and bring it back tomorrow.

Don't give him the satisfaction.

I'm not giving you the satisfaction.

I'm gonna watch it again.

How could that hurt?

So this morning, I go down to the garage

to check the car out. Mm-hmm.

I figure, by this time, the odor molecules

I figure, by this time, the odor molecules

have had at least 12 hours to de-smellify.

Right.

I open the car door.

Like a punch in the face...

the stench hits me.

It's almost as if it had gained strength

throughout the night.

I can think of at least six known offensive odors

that I would rather smell

than what's living in your car.

What about skunk?

I don't mind skunk.

Horse manure?

I love horse manure.

Well, I've never seen anything like this in my life.

Well, I've never seen anything like this in my life.

In fact, I went to the car wash.

They want $250 to detail it

and get the smell out.

Oh! I'm not paying for that.

That's not my responsibility. No. Mm-mmm.

In fact, I'm driving up to that restaurant now,

and demand they pay for it.

Absolutely.

Uh, listen, let me ask you something.

Um, when you're with a guy,

and he tells you he has to get up early,

what does that mean?

It means he's lying.

Wow!

Is that what he told you?

Is that what he told you?

Yeah. Last night.

Oh, come on. Men have to get up early sometime.

No. Never.

Jerry, I'm sure I've seen men on the street

early in the morning.

Well, sometimes we do

actually have to get up early,

but a man will always trade sleep for sex.

Is it possible I'm not as attractive

as I think I am?

Anything's possible.

Yeah.

What's the matter with you?

What's the matter with you?

Steinbrenner! Ah, yeah.

He's ruining my life!

Ah, yes. Steinbrenner.

I can't think I can take another season with him.

He'll just trade away their best young prospects.

Just like he did with Buhner, McGee, Drabeck, McGriff.

I know the list.

[SNIFFS]

What's that smell?

[SNIFFS]

Wha-what smell?

Ooh!

You stink.

What do you mean, I stink?

You stink.

Why don't you go take a shower? I showered.

Why don't you go take a shower? I showered.

JERRY: Oh, wait a second.

Since I showered, I've been in the car.

So?

Don't you see what's happening here?

It's attached itself to me. It's alive!

If it's attached itself... to you...

[GASPS]

Oh, my God!

That's why Carl said he had to get up early,

because I stink!

Jerry, he thinks I have BO. Me!

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yep. Yeah.

This is George.

I'm coming right down.

All right, what happened?

What happened?

What happened?

My car stinks is what happened,

and it's destroying the lives of everyone in its path.

This is BO?

Yes.

This is unbelievable BO. I know.

I was at the car wash this morning,

and the guy told me, in 38 years in the business,

he's never smelled anything like it.

So let me ask you,

do you think I could've done this?

No, no. It's the valet guy.

No, no. I mean driven Susan to lesbianism.

No, no. I mean driven Susan to lesbianism.

Oh! No, that's ridiculous.

What if her experience with me drove her to it?

Suicide, maybe. Not lesbianism.

And the woman she was lesbianing with,

Susan told me she's never been with a guy.

Oh, this isn't even BO.

This is beyond BO.

It's BBO.

There should be a BO squad that patrols the city

like a smell Gestapo

to sniff 'em out, strip 'em down,

and wash 'em with a big, soapy brush.

You know, the funny thing is,

somehow I find her more appealing now.

It's like, if I knew that she was a lesbian

It's like, if I knew that she was a lesbian

when we went out,

I never would've broken up with her.

Let me see if I understand this.

On second thought...

JERRY: Now there he is. That's the guy.

[ROLLS UP WINDOW]

No, thank you. Go back. No, go back.

No, back, back!

Go back!

I got it! I'll park it!

I'll park it. Go back. You go back.

JERRY: Sorry. Thank you.

Thank you. No.

Thank you. No.

What do you mean, "stunk up"?

I mean the car stinks.

George, does the car stink?

Stinks. Stinks!

Perhaps you are the one who has the odor.

Hey, I've never smelled in my life, buddy.

Really? Well, I can smell you now.

That's from the car.

Maybe you stunk up the car rather than it stinking up you.

Oh, it's the chicken and the egg.

Thank you very much.

Well, then, go out and smell the car.

See which smells worse.

I don't have time to smell cars.

I don't have time to smell cars.

Forget about smelling the car.

Smell the valet. Go to the source.

You gotta smell the car.

I'm a busy man.

Come on. One whiff.

All right. One whiff.

[SNIFFING]

[HITS CAR DOOR]

All right! I give up! I admit it, it stinks!

Now, would you let me out! Yeah.

Yeah, you'll pay for the cleaning?

Yes, $50. I'll give you $50.

Fifty dollars, I don't think that's gonna cover it.

I'll give you whatever you want!

I'll give you whatever you want!

I want half, $125.

Yes! Yes! $125 is good.

Now, would you please open the door!

Let me out of here!

All right.

Oh.

GEORGE: Oh, my God!

What?

The video!

Someone stole the video right out of the car!

Someone stole Rochelle, Rochelle?

Well, you left the window open.

We had to air out the car.

You know, you should pay for it.

I'm not paying for that.

They already got my $7.

Erotic journey from Milan to Minsk!

The valet had such bad BO?

Oh, man, just rampant, mutant BO.

The O went from the valet's B,

to the car, to me. Mm.

It clings to everything.

[CHUCKLES] Jerry thinks it's an entity.

[BOTH LAUGH]

But I showered and I shampooed,

so...

That's a relief.

Yeah.

Phew.

What?

It's still there.

No, no, no. It can't be.

No, no, no. It can't be.

I shampooed, I rinsed, I repeated.

It's still there. I smelled it.

I don't smell anything. Here, take another smell.

No.

No, here. Just one more smell!

Please!

CLERK: Which movie was that again?

Rochelle, Rochelle.

George.

Oh, hey, thanks for meeting me here.

Yeah, I don't have much time. Yeah, listen, I got to ask you--

I was a little concerned that...

Perhaps I was responsible in some way for your, uh...

Metamorphosis.

Metamorphosis.

[TAPPING CALCULATOR] That'll be $98.

What $98?

That's what I said, $98.

How could that piece of crap cost $98?

George, I really have--

Do you believe this? $98!

Jeez.

Do you have any cash?

I guess.

I need, like, 35. Thanks.

So...was it me?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?

Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?

Here.

Oh, thanks, thanks a lot. I'll pay you back.

Yeah, sure.

I gotta go.

L-l-listen.

Let me ask you something.

If you and Mona were ever to dance,

how do you decide who leads?

I mean, do you take turns? Do you discuss it beforehand?

How does that work?

You're an idiot.

Why? That's a legitimate sociological question.

Why? That's a legitimate sociological question.

I'll see you.

Oh, and, George, by the way, you stink.

You need a bath. Ugh.

Wait, it's not me! It's the car.

I didn't think I'd come.

I knew you would.

Oh, Mona.

[SOFTLY] Kramer.

Oh.

We give it the full executive treatment.

That includes complete deionization

of the entire vehicle

where we spray everything with Ozium-D,

let it deionize,

vacuum the spray out with a deionizing machine.

Hit it with high-pressure compressed air,

and wet-dry vac it to extract the remaining liquids.

Then we top it off with one of our seven air fresheners.

In your case, I would recommend

the, uh, jasmine or the potpourri.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

The first thing that we're gonna do

is flush the follicles with the five essential oils.

Then we put you under a vapor machine,

and then a heated cap.

Then we shampoo and shampoo,

and condition and condition.

Then we saturate the hair in diluted vinegar.

Two parts vinegar, 10 parts water. Now...

if that doesn't work,

we have one last resort.

we have one last resort.

Tomato sauce.

Tomato sauce?

Yeah.

Thanks a lot.

Wait a minute.

It still smells.

It still smells!

It still smells.

It still smells.

How could it still smell after all that?

I don't know!

Well, what are you gonna do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do,

I'm selling that car.

You're selling the car?

You don't understand what I'm up against.

This is a force more powerful

This is a force more powerful

than anything you can imagine!

Even Superman would be helpless

against this kind of stench.

And I'll take anything I can get for it.

Maybe I'll buy it.

Are you crazy?

Don't you understand what I'm saying to you?

This isn't just an odor.

You need a priest to get rid of this thing.

I still smell!

You see?!

You see what I'm saying to you?!

It's a presence!

It's the beast.

All right, let me smell you.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

WOMAN: Kramer? Kramer!

What is that? What's going on?

WOMAN: Kramer, open up. I know you're in there.

Susan.

Kramer!

What is going on?

You know what's going on?

First he vomits on me,

then he burns down my father's cabin,

and now, he's taken Mona away from me.

He stole your girlfriend?

Yes!

She's in love with him.

Amazing.

I drive them to lesbianism,

he brings them back.

he brings them back.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

KRAMER: Is she still there?

No, she left.

What is going on? What did you do?

I don't know, I didn't do anything.

I was in the video store,

and I was practicing my golf swing, you know.

And, uh, you know, with a broom,

and--

Yeah.

But she saw me take a swing, and she told me

that the club is going back too fast.

that the club is going back too fast.

Well, we started talking.

She's a golf teacher!

So I went to a lesson,

and, you know, something happened between us,

but she's a golf teacher, Jerry!

I've struck gold!

I've already taken six strokes off my game.

That's the least of what you've accomplished.

Listen, I'm having dinner with her tonight.

Is it all right if I borrow your jacket?

Oh, sure. Yeah.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Kramer, Kramer, hold on a second.

I don't get this.

This woman has never been with a man

This woman has never been with a man

her entire life.

I'm Kramer.

I know what you're going through.

Women! Who knows what they want?

I just don't know what she sees in Kramer.

Listen.

You're beautiful. You're intelligent.

You'll meet other girls.

You think so? Yes, I know so.

You happen to be a very eligible lesbian.

You're very sweet.

You're very sweet.

Hey, I know what I'm talking about.

And I gotta be honest with you.

I gotta tell you...

ever since I saw you holding hands with that woman,

I can't get you out of my mind.

Really?

Yeah. You're just so...

hip.

Oh, my God.

What? It's Allison.

I dated her right after you. She was obsessed with me.

George?

[LAUGHS] Allison, hi!

[LAUGHS] Allison, hi!

Oh, my God! How are you?

Good. You know, you owe me $50.

Fifty, right, right.

I don't have it on me right now.

Allison, this is Susan. Susan, Allison.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

That's a beautiful vest.

Thank you.

I don't understand it.

I was with her last night at my apartment.

I was with her last night at my apartment.

It was very romantic.

You know, with that fake wood wallpaper,

the atmosphere is fabulous in there now.

It's like a ski lodge.

What year did you say this was? '90.

Anyway, we were on the couch,

I move to hug her,

next thing, she tells me she's leaving.

She's gotta get up early.

That's strange.

How many miles you got on this thing?

Twenty-three thousand.

And I was looking good too.

I had a nice new shirt on,

I'm wearing your jacket.

[WHISPERS] Wait a second.

My jacket!

I wore that in the car!

The beast!

The beast!

Uggggghhh!

This wicked funk.

I can't sell this car.

This...

thing!

It's got to be stopped.

What do you wanna do?

Sauce me.

Why do we need BO?

What is the function of it?

Everything in nature has a reason, has a purpose,

except BO.

Doesn't make any sense.

Do something good, hard work, exercise,

smell very bad.

This is the way the human being is designed.

You move, you stink.

Why can't our bodies help us?

Why can't sweat smell good?

It'd be a different world, wouldn't it?

Instead of putting your laundry in the hamper,

you put it in a vase.

Go down to the drug store,

pick up some odorant and perspirant.

Probably have a dirty sweat sock

hanging from the rearview mirror of your car.

And then, on a really special night,

maybe a little underwear

coming out of your breast pocket.

Just to show her that she's important.