Original subtitles

You can't just have an adultery, you commit adultery.

And you can't even commit adultery

unless you already have a commitment,

so you have to make the commitment

before you can even think about committing it.

There's no commit without the commit.

Then, once you commit,

then you can commit the adultery.

Then you can get caught, get divorced,

lose your mind, and they have you committed.

But, you know, some people actually cheat on the people

that they're cheating with,

which is, like, you know, being in a holdup,

and then turning to the robber next to you

and then turning to the robber next to you

and going, "All right, give me everything you have too."

You met her at the supermarket?

How'd you do that? Produce section.

Very provocative area.

A lot of melons and shapes.

Everyone squeezing and smelling.

It just happened.

So when are you going to see her?

Tonight.

What's her name?

I don't know.

How could you not know her name?

I was a little nervous. I got distracted.

It had something to do with a car or a fish.

Look at--

Why do I get bananas? They're good for one day.

Why do I get bananas? They're good for one day.

Oh, my God. I forgot to tell you.

I got a letter today

from the State Controller's Office.

When I was going to public school, back in Brooklyn,

every week, I used to put 50 cents

in the Lincoln Savings Bank.

Yeah, I did that, too.

Yeah. Remember the little bank book?

Sure. All right.

So I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade.

I completely forgot about it.

The State Controller's Office tracks me down.

The interest has accumulated to $1900.

$1900! They're sending me a check.

Wow.

Yeah, interest, it's an amazing thing.

You make money without doing anything.

You make money without doing anything.

I have friends that try and base their life on that principle.

Really? Who?

Nobody you know.

Maybe I'll go down to the track, put it all on a horse.

Why don't you put it in the bank?

Bank? This is found money.

I want to parlay it. I want to make a big score.

Oh, you mean you want to lose it.

Yeah.

All right.

You got it, huh?

Yes, I did. Yes!

What's with the gloves?

What's with the gloves?

Well, I'm staining my floors.

You know, I don't want to get my hands dirty.

What, the whole apartment?

The whole apartment.

And I'm buying that fake-wood wallpaper.

I'm going to surround myself in wood.

It's gonna be like a log cabin,

'cause I need wood around me.

Wood, Jerry.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Wood.

Wood is good.

Definitely.

We're still going to play racquetball, right?

Yeah, whenever you're ready.

Okay, as soon as Elaine gets here.

Yep.

What, you rented Home Alone?

What, you rented Home Alone?

Yeah.

I thought you saw that already.

No, I saw Home Alone 2.

Oh, right.

But you hated it.

I was lost. I never saw the first one.

You mind if I watch it here?

What for?

Because if I watch it at my apartment,

I feel like I'm not doing anything.

I watch it here, I'm out of the house, I'm doing something.

All right, go ahead.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah?

ELAINE: It's me. Are you ready to go?

No. Come on up.

I can't work with these.

I can't work with these.

What's wrong?

What? You bought me dishwashing gloves.

There's no fine touch.

You said gloves.

No, no. These are too thick.

Oh. Is that Home Alone?

Yeah. The original.

Hey, boys-o.

Hey! Hey!

Hello.

Hey, get your stuff. Let's get going.

Well, wait a minute.

There's a slight change of plans.

Huh? What?

Remember Roy, the artist?

Oh, the triangle guy.

Yeah, exactly. The triangle guy.

Yeah, you liked him. What happened with him?

Yeah, you liked him. What happened with him?

Yeah, I did. He was very talented.

He was, uh, just, I don't know,

a little too...

Artsy?

Fat. Oh.

He was a fat, starving artist, you know?

That's very rare.

Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, he's in the hospital, having surgery,

and I feel like I should visit him.

What's wrong with him?

Eh, something with his spleen.

Anyway, it'll just take five minutes, okay?

And then the hospital's right on the way.

All right, we'll wait for you.

Yeah, maybe I can get some rubber gloves there. Huh? Yeah.

Listen, Jerry, could you do me a favor?

Listen, Jerry, could you do me a favor?

Could you go into the room with me to visit him?

Because I don't want him to think

that I'm, you know, interested.

Oh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend?

Well...

Well, I think I can do that.

I believe I've played that role before

to some critical acclaim.

All right, let's go.

All right. Yep, yep, yep.

What's with him?

You know, a lot of people have asked that.

Roy!

Elaine!

What a surprise.

Oh, my God!

I hardly recognize you.

You look so...

Yeah, yeah, I've lost some weight.

A lot of weight.

I know.

You look terrific.

Thank you.

So do you.

[GIGGLES]

Uh...

this is, uh...

You really lost weight!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Jerry. Uh, I'm the boyfriend.

NURSE [OVER PA]: Dr. Whittenberg, outside call.

Dr. Whittenberg, outside call.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Ah...

Ah, the mother lode.

[SILLY, SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

I can't believe it.

You were huge, like blubber.

I couldn't even get my arms around you.

Yes. I remember.

Well, that's a positive thing about getting sick.

You get to lose weight.

Elaine, it wasn't the illness.

It was you.

Me?

After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated.

I couldn't eat for weeks.

Get out!

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

Really. It's the truth.

Jerry, did you hear this?

He couldn't eat for weeks.

[FLATLY] That's terrible.

I had no idea

I had that kind of effect on you.

You did.

You know, I can't get this damn thing to sleep!

Now, listen, Roy, tell me something.

When are you getting out of here?

Next Thursday.

Okay, I tell you what.

How about on Friday

How about on Friday

I take you out for a big meal

because you are getting too thin.

Honey...

Aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday?

No, that's the week after.

No, I believe it's next week.

You're wrong.

No, I'm not.

Shut up.

Pay dirt.

Uh, Roy, this is Kramer. He's one of our friends.

How do you do?

I do great.

Hi, Roy.

Oh, hey, Dr. Siegel.

Hey, doc, check this out.

Hey.

I just learned that.

[CHUCKLES]

I just wanted to stop by,

see if you had any questions

about tomorrow's operation.

Uh, yeah, yeah. I have--

I have a question.

Um, what do you know about

interabdominal retractors?

interabdominal retractors?

Are you asking

because you saw 20/20 last night?

I sure am.

Well, that report

was about one very specific type of retractor,

and I can assure you

we do not use that retractor

in your friend's procedure.

But you will use a retractor.

We have to.

Mm-hmm.

I'll tell you what.

You're obviously

You're obviously

concerned about your friend's welfare.

A few of my students

will be observing tomorrow's operation

from the viewing gallery.

How would you like to watch it with them?

I'd love to watch the operation, yeah.

I don't know. Oh, come on, Jerry,

you gotta see the operation.

They're gonna cut him open.

His guts will be all over the place.

Yeah, that's true.

They'll saw through bone.

Phrrrrrrrr...

Ree-ree-ree-ree-ree-ree!

We'll see what's inside bone.

[MELANCHOLY DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV]

[MELANCHOLY DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV]

[SNIFFLES]

[SOBS]

Hey.

[TEARFULLY] Hi.

What're you doing? You're crying?

No.

You're crying from Home Alone?

The old man got to me.

Oh, right.

Just get yourself together.

I don't know if I can be friends with you anymore

after this display.

Oh, shut up!

What're you doing back so soon, anyway?

What're you doing back so soon, anyway?

I never even got to the gym.

Kramer got the gloves, wanted to come home

and start working on his floor.

Oh.

How's the guy?

Oh, he's okay.

In fact, him and Elaine are getting pretty chummy.

Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art.

Hmm, that's nerve.

Yeah.

So she and triangle boy can go out to fancy restaurants.

You know what it is?

It's Clara Nightingale Syndrome.

He falls ill, she falls in love.

You mean Florence Nightingale.

What did I say, Clara?

Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton.

Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton.

Clara Barton?

What did she do?

I'm not sure, but I think she was nice.

Susan B. Anthony I'd think have a problem with.

Yeah, I think you would.

So you're gonna buy his art?

No. Why don't you buy it? You got $1900.

Yeah. That's what I want, triangles.

All right, I'm outta here.

Have fun with what's-her-name.

I will.

You know, now you got to ask her name.

It's so embarrassing.

No, it isn't. I can find out.

No, it isn't. I can find out.

Yeah? How?

There are ways.

JERRY: You know, I remember

when I was a kid growing up,

kids would make fun of my name

like you wouldn't believe.

"Jerry, Jerry, Dingleberry," and...

"Seinsmelled."

Seinsmelled?

Yeah.

What about you?

Did people make fun of your name?

Are you kidding?

They were merciless.

What do you expect when your name rhymes

with a part of the female anatomy?

Of course, not everybody can be as sweet as you are.

Oh, Jerry.

Oh...you.

Now, let's try "breast."

Celeste.

Kest.

No.

No.

Rest, Sest.

Hest?

Hest?

That's not a name.

Well, you should've just asked her.

I know I should've asked her.

Well, what're you gonna do now?

I don't know.

I can't ask her now.

I've already made out with her.

Once you make out with a woman, you can't her her name.

Aretha.

No.

Bovary.

All right. That's enough.

All right, well, you know what you gotta do?

All right, well, you know what you gotta do?

You gotta go through her purse.

You know, credit cards, driver's license.

Well, how am I gonna do that?

When she goes to the bathroom.

Ah. There you are.

Hey.

My date stood me up.

Listen, will you guys go to the operation with me?

You asked a date to go to the operation?

Well, yeah.

So come on. What do you say? Huh?

What kind of operation is it?

Splenectomy.

Isn't that where they remove the--?

No, no, don't ruin it for me.

I haven't seen it yet.

Now, come on. What do you say?

Now, come on. What do you say?

Mulva.

Mulva?

KRAMER: Come on, come on. You want to go?

All right, all right.

Just let me finish my coffee.

Then we'll watch them go slice this fat bastard up.

Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity,

exposing the body's internal organs.

Nurse, retractor.

What're you eating?

Junior Mints.

You want one? No.

Now I can't see.

Psst!

Psst!

Could you get...?

Where'd you get those?

The machine. You want one?

No. Here.

Take one. I don't want one.

No, they're good. Take one.

I don't want any. Just take one.

No, Kramer, stop it.

[HEART BEATING]

[SPLAT]

Oh, my.

Geh--

...over the balcony,

bounced off some respirator thing,

into the patient!

What do you mean, into the patient?

Into the patient, literally!

Into the hole?

Yes!

The hole!

Didn't they notice it? No.

How could they not notice it?

Because it's a little mint.

It's a Junior Mint.

Well, what did they do?

They sealed him up with the mint inside.

They left the Junior Mint in him?

Yes!

Well, I-- I guess it can't hurt him.

People eat pounds of those things.

Yes, they eat them.

They don't put them next to vital organs

in their abdominal cavity!

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah?

ELAINE: It's me.

Come on up.

Hey.

This wallpaper is very good.

This wallpaper is very good.

My place looks like a ski lodge.

Why'd you force that mint on me?

I told you I didn't want the mint!

Well, I didn't believe you.

How could you not believe me?

Well, who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint?

It's chocolate. It's peppermint.

It's delicious!

That's true.

It's very refreshing!

Well, just don't say anything about this to Elaine.

Prognosis...

negative.

negative.

Prognosis negative?

He's not doing well.

The doctors don't know what it is.

They're baffled.

Oh, my God.Oh, my God.

Just my luck, you know?

Just when he was getting thin and attractive.

You know, Jerry,

you should buy some of his art.

That would really lift his spirits.

It's that bleak?

Mm.

You know...

if the guy dies,

the art could really be worth something.

We gotta confess!

Really? Yes!

Really? Yes!

We could be tried for murder.

I can't have this on my conscience.

We're like Leopold and Loeb.

You're not gonna say anything Got that?.

You can't stop me.

No, you're not!

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey, Elaine?

Put me down for some of that art.

$1900 worth.

Oh, yeah, that's the spot.

What are you so tense about?

Oh, nothing, really. Just a homicide.

Oh, that's terrific.

Mulva.

What?

Mulva?

Mulva?

Uh, my, uh...

My aunt's name is Mulva. She's-- She's a masseuse.

Oh. Um, I'm going to the bathroom.

I'll be right back.

Oh, good idea.

What are you doing?

Oh. I was just looking for, uh, some gum,

or a mint.

Oh, I have Junior Mints.

No! No, I mean...

No, thank you. No.

Any news?

[WHISPERS] No, no news.

You better get outta here.

Oh, okay. Wait. Wait a second.

I don't know the name

I don't know the name

of this woman in the bathroom,

so when she comes out, you introduce yourself,

then she'll be forced to say her name.

10-4. Okay.

Oh, hello.

Hello, I'm Kramer.

Nice to meet you.

See you later.

Well, I'd better get going.

I don't wanna be late for the play. Oh, okay.

You know, my cousin knows the producer.

I may get to go backstage

and meet Olympia Dukakis.

Hey, there's a name you don't forget.

Mm. Bye, Jerry.

Bye.

Oh, hi. Oh.

Hi, I'm George.

Hi, I'm George.

Oh, nice to meet you, George. Yeah.

I gave it a shot.

So. Any word on the artiste?

No. I haven't heard anything.

Well, I got my triangles.

Really.

Yeah, you know, they really spruce up the apartment.

Yeah, I'm sure. Well, I gotta call the hospital.

I gotta tell them what happened.

No, no, Jerry. I wouldn't do that.

Why? Uh...

You could get in trouble.

Look, I gotta try and help the guy.

Who are you to play God?

Every man's time comes!

Every man's time comes!

If his number is up, who are you to interfere?

Yes, I'd like to speak with Dr. Siegel.

It's about Roy Corning's condition.

What, what?

Oh, that's fantastic.

He didn't get better, did he?

Thank you very much.

Okay, bye-bye.

He's gonna be okay!

Where's the luck?

There's no luck.

Nineteen hundred dollars down the drain.

You saved my life, George.

You buying my art

You buying my art

is what inspired me to get better.

I'll never forget what you did for me.

Oh, well, that's great.

It's really great.

You know, art's a great investment.

Yeah, they'll look great in your apartment.

Yes, I look forward to many years of...

looking at the triangles.

Well, I'll, uh...

I'll wait for you outside.

Hey, George. GEORGE: Yeah?

KRAMER: All right.

SEINFELD: That's nice.

Thanks, Roy.

Hey!

There's the guy who saved my life.

You know, I don't want to totally discount

the emotional element in your recovery,

but I think there were other factors at play here.

What do you mean?

I have no medical evidence to back me up,

but something happened during the operation

that staved off that infection.

Something beyond science.

DR. SIEGEL: Something, perhaps...

from above.

from above.

Mint?

Those can be very refreshing.

[WITH MOUTH FULL] So, Elaine...

Where're we going for our big dinner on Friday?

Um...

I am so sorry, Roy, but, actually,

we are going to the Poconos on Friday.

Right, honey?

I don't think so.

Yeah, I think that we, uh... We are.

I believe we're not.

I believe we're not.

[SLURPING]

Please, can we go to the Poconos?

Well, I'll think about it.

MYSTERY WOMAN: Great seats.

You could see the actors spitting.

Really. Mm-hmm.

And, afterwards, we went backstage,

and Olympia Dukakis autographed my playbill.

Oh. What are you saying, you got her autograph? Yeah.

Do you have it with you?

Yeah, it's in my purse.

Uh, let me see.

You know, I really think I'm falling for you,

Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, well, I really think I'm falling for you...

Oh, well, I really think I'm falling for you...

"Joseph Poglia."

I had it autographed for my uncle.

Yeah, I know.

You don't know my name, do you?

Yes, I do.

What is it?

It-- It rhymes with a female body part.

What is it?

Mulva?

Um...uh...

Gipple?

Loleola?

Oh!

Oh!

Dolores!

At ages zero through 10,

candy is your life. There's nothing else.

Family, friends, school,

they're only obstacles

in the way of getting more candy.

And you have your favorite candy that you love.

You know, there's ones, "I love those, I hate those.

I hate those, I love those."

And only a seven-year-old kid

could actually taste the difference

between, like, a red M&M and a light brown M&M.

That's two totally different things

when you're a seven-year-old.

"Well, you're right, it's more of a main-course M&M.

"But the brown, it's more of a mellower flavor.

"But the brown, it's more of a mellower flavor.

It's an after-dinner M&M, really."