Original subtitles

I don't belong to a health club.

I have a strict limit on the number of naked men

I need to see in one day...

zero.

That's it.

What is with the high level of security

at the health clubs, you know what I mean?

The picture ID's, the security guards,

the people signing in and out.

What is this, the Kremlin?

I mean, the people that have a membership

go twice a year.

Who's breaking in?

Is this a big problem, people stealing exercise?

And what if they catch the person? What then?

They run. It's aerobic. Makes it even worse.

They run. It's aerobic. Makes it even worse.

Hi, Jerry.

Oh, hi, Sidra.

I usually last about 10 minutes

on the StairMaster.

Unless, of course, if someone's stretching in front of me

in a leotard, then I can go an hour.

Really?

That's why they call it the StairMaster.

You get up there and stare.

Well, I'm done.

I think I'm gonna go take a sauna.

All right, I'll see you Thursday night, right?

Thursday night. Okay.

Good workout?

Tremendous workout.

Tremendous workout.

She's a pretty girl.

Tremendous girl.

She's the one

you went out with last night?

Yeah. I really like her.

You know, uh... they're fake.

What? Don't say that.

Yeah, they're fake.

How do you know?

I can tell.

You know how you're always bragging

how you can spot a lesbian?

I'm not bragging.

I happen to have a very keen lesbian eye.

Hi. How you doing?

Oh, right.

Oh, right.

Come on. Don't you think they seem

just a bit too perfect?

Yes, they do.

I never knew

you were so into breasts.

I thought you were a leg man.

A leg man? Why would I be a leg man?

I don't need legs. I have legs.

Have you ever seen her naked in the locker room?

No.

Oh, well, then I can't accept your testimony.

Maybe if you'd seen her naked.

I don't wanna see her naked.

Well, I do.

Well, that's your problem.

Look, you made the allegation.

Look, you made the allegation.

The least you could do is follow up.

Oh, Jerry, what am I gonna do?

I'm gonna go in there,

I'm gonna spy on her in the sauna?

Yes.

Go in there,

do a little investigative journalism.

I need to know.

But a few more dates, you can find out for yourself.

Don't be so sure.

Look at George.

He's on his ninth date with Betsy,

he still hasn't gotten anywhere with her.

What's his problem?

Every time he tries to make a move, something screws up.

On their last date, they were on the couch,

but she was sitting on his wrong side.

"Wrong side"?

Yeah, she was on his right side.

Yeah, she was on his right side.

He can't make a move with his left hand.

He can't go left.

He can't go left?

No.

I'm lefty, can't go right.

What about women, do they go left or right?

No, we just play defense.

Oh!

Can I ask you a question?

Would you mind switching seats?

Oh.

Actually, I'd really prefer to sit here.

I don't hear very well out of this ear,

so I, um...

always try to sit to the right of people.

I'll shout.

Well, I really think

I feel more comfortable here.

I feel more comfortable here.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, really. Come on.

George! No, come on.

No, I really-- Come on.

See, now, is that so bad?

What?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Oh, the machine will get it.

Oh, no, no, it's not on.

They'll call back.

But, George, what if it's an emergency?

In the whole world right now, there's maybe three emergencies.

Why would you think, on this entire planet,

Why would you think, on this entire planet,

that you're one of those three?

George, please.

Hello.

What?

Oh, my God!

All right, maybe four.

ELAINE: Boy... I'm really sweating.

Good sweat, beads of sweat, sweating bullets.

Look at her.

I don't need to see her naked to know those aren't real.

I don't need to see her naked to know those aren't real.

Why'd she even tie the towel around her?

She's got a rack on her chest.

Oh, God.

Sidra's taking the towel off.

Whoa, doctor!

That's it.

I knew it. I knew it. They're definitely fake.

So when's the funeral?

Well...

Aunt Clarisse was so ill,

I-- I guess it was really a blessing.

I-- I guess it was really a blessing.

Yeah, I'll fly home as soon as I can.

Okay.

You too. Get some sleep.

JERRY: You sure?

Positive.

Positive.

This chick's playing with Confederate money.

Well, then, that's it. That's the end of that.

What, just because of that?

"Just because of that?"

It's like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat.

Oh, come on.

You've dated women with nose jobs.

What's the difference?

You don't touch the nose,

you don't aspire to reach the nose,

you don't unhook anything to get to a nose,

and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostrils.

You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?

You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?

Well, I take it very seriously.

You know, sometimes when I think

you're the shallowest man I've ever met,

you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.

Hey. Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

You know, I do kind of wonder

what fake breasts feel like.

Well, I know what they feel like.

You? How do you know?

Well, I lived in Los Angeles

for three months.

I thought you hated Los Angeles.

I thought you hated Los Angeles.

No, I do.

I just miss the warm weather, you know?

Jeez. Oh, man. I wish I could get away.

Real busy now, down at the office?

No. Huh?

Know who I saw at the health club?

Salman Rushdie.

[LAUGHING]

I-- no, I...

Yeah, right. Salman Rushdie.

Ah, well, I could see that.

You got five million Moslems after you,

you want to stay in pretty good shape.

GEORGE: I know what the problem is.

I like her too much.

That's why I can't make a move.

That's why I can't make a move.

You put her on a pedestal.

I put them on a dental chair.

He puts them on a dental chair.

I'm not her boyfriend.

I want to be her boyfriend.

Whew.

It's like a sauna in here.

That's funny. That's funny.

You're a funny guy. I never heard that before.

So you going to the funeral?

Why, do you think I should?

What, are you kidding?

It's a golden opportunity

to advance the relationship.

to advance the relationship.

She's crying,

you put your arm around her

and console her.

You're the consolation guy.

I'm the consolation guy?

Consolation guy is big.

Her aunt dying is the best thing

that ever happened to you.

It's like 10 dates in one shot.

This confers upon you

instant boyfriend status.

The family's there,

you're taking care of things,

you're getting the sandwiches.

You're the rock.

It's in Detroit, though. It's an expensive flight.

Why don't you get a death-in-the-family fare?

Why don't you get a death-in-the-family fare?

What?

You go to the airlines,

you tell them that you have

a death in the family,

they give you 50 percent off the fare.

Really?

In fact...

listen, I'll go down there with you.

You know, we'll tell them there's a death in my family.

You buy the ticket, I'll split it. Huh?

Then I'll get the bonus miles,

and you'll get to Detroit for a quarter of the price.

ELAINE: Boy, I'm getting a good sweat here.

Great sweat. Good beads, nice beads.

Oh, look who's here...

Oh, look who's here...

Silicon Valley.

Oh, uh, so anyway, we go out on one date,

and he asks me out for a second,

and then, out of nowhere,

he says calls me, cancels the date,

and he doesn't want to see me again.

Oh!

I'm sorry. I couldn't help overhearing.

Oh, that's okay.

Did he give you a reason?

Yeah.

He's going back to his old girlfriend.

Really?

Said she's mentally ill.

He's one of those guys

who is obsessed

with neatness and order.

Everything has got to be just so.

He would've made a great Nazi.

Hey, does he ever talk about Superman?

Yes! How did you know?

Oh, I know the type.

Oh, so you can relate?

Oh, yeah.

You know, I've seen you around the club.

My name's Sidra. This is Marcy.

Oh, hi.

I'm Elaine.

So, anyway, I stood up to shake her hand

and then, suddenly, I lost my balance.

I fell right into her.

You fell on her?

I touched them.

You what?

I...

touched them.

You touched them?

I needed them to help me break my fall!

If it wa-- If it hadn't have been for them,

I could've really injured myself.

Wow.

Wow.

Anyway, uh...

they're real.

Excuse me?

I think they might be real.

Oh, what do you know?

You have no breast-touching experience.

I've touched mine.

So have I.

Oh, right. I forgot.

Anyway, touching two breasts

doesn't make you an expert.

All right, well, anyway, I think they're real,

and if they are, I must say,

and if they are, I must say,

they are...

spectacular.

What are you doing to me?

[SNIFFLES]

You see, my friend here, his aunt passed away last night.

Oh, I'm very sorry.

I saw her last week.

She looked healthy and peaceful, but...

[CHOKING UP] ...she knew.

You poor thing.

I...

You don't think you could buy the ticket yourself?

Oh. No, no, no. Okay.

Oh. No, no, no. Okay.

All right. No. Please. [HEAVING, SOBBING]

There, there, there. You sit.

I'll purchase the ticket for you.

TICKET CLERK: You're a good friend.

I understand you offer

a 50 percent-off bereavement fare?

Yes. All you have to do is pay the full fare now,

then return to any one of our counters

with a copy of the death certificate,

and we'll refund half your fare.

The-- the... [MUTTERING UNINTELLIGIBLY]

The death certificate?

Yes, we do need documentation

or, you know, people could take advantage.

or, you know, people could take advantage.

What kind of a sick person would do a thing like that?

I know, but it happens.

You want my friend to ask his uncle,

a man who just lost his wife of 44 years,

for a death certificate,

so that he can save a few bucks on a flight?

That would be $387 round trip.

All right, so you'll need

my frequent flyer number, huh?

Yes.

I don't know.

One minute, you're sure they're fake.

The next minute, you think they're real.

I don't know what to believe.

I don't know what to believe.

Hey, of the two of us,

I'm the only one who's touched them.

But you were just grabbing onto them

to save your life.

If you were drowning

and I threw you a life preserver,

you think could you tell me if it was an inflatable?

I wouldn't have said anything

if I knew you were gonna stop seeing her.

Well, I don't mind someone with a phony personality,

but I got to draw the line somewhere.

Hey. Hey.

George off to Detroit?

Yep, and in two days, I'm off to Puerto Rico.

Hey, Kramer, by the way,

Hey, Kramer, by the way,

I saw that guy at the health club.

That is not Salman Rushdie.

Pfft! Wrong.

There's Sidra.

There's Salman.

Where? Talking to that woman.

Talking to Sidra?

If that's Sidra, she's talking to Salman.

I don't think that's Salman.

Well, I don't think they're real.

If that's Rushdie, they're real.

If they're real, that's Rushdie.

Well, I gotta know. I'm talking to Sidra.

I gotta know. I'm talking to Salman.

Boy, it's like a sauna in here, huh?

I feel like I'm back at the desert.

I feel like I'm back at the desert.

You've lived in the desert?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I've, uh...

I spent a little time in the Mideast.

Hmm...

You ever been to the Mideast?

Yes, I've been there.

Look, my name's Kramer.

Sal Bass. Yeah.

Pleased to meet you, Kramer.

So, um...

What kind of work do you do?

What kind of work do you do?

I'm a writer.

Have you met my boyfriend, George?

Uh, no.

George, this is Aunt May

and Father Jessup.

Oh, and that's my brother Timmy.

This is my boyfriend, George.

Oh, George, how nice of you to come all this way.

Well, I'm the boyfriend.

Otherwise, what's the point

of being the boyfriend?

This is where you have to be

when you're the boyfriend.

Betsy, dear, have you had anything to eat?

Betsy, dear, have you had anything to eat?

I'm not very hungry.

They have some very nice snacks.

I'm about to get myself a snack.

Oh, no, no, no. You sit right here.

I will get you a nice snack.

This is, uh, my...

third wake this month.

It never gets any easier.

Well, losing a loved one is, uh...

Well, losing a loved one is, uh...

I mean, forget about it.

Mm.

You, um...

you seem to be

of great comfort to Betsy.

We're very appreciative.

Oh, comfort, "shmomfort."

Listen, uh...

Father, can I ask you a question?

In a terrible time like this,

who would I get the death certificate from?

who would I get the death certificate from?

KRAMER: Oh, Jerry.

Oh, how can you be so sure?

Jerry, are you blind?

He's a writer!

He said his name was Sal Bass.

Bass, Jerry.

Instead of salmon, he went with bass.

He just substituted one fish for another.

Look, you idiot,

first of all, it's Salman, not salmon.

Jerry, Jerry, you're missing the big picture!

All right.

Maybe it is, but I've got to get ready.

Maybe it is, but I've got to get ready.

Sidra's coming over in a few minutes,

so if you don't mind...

Oh, well, did you ask her?

Yeah, I'm gonna find out tonight.

Ooh, yes. Indeed.

Why do you need a death certificate?

Well, Dr. Allenwood, um...

I was hoping to compile an...

admittedly rudimentary scrapbook of her life.

Something that Betsy could have and hold on to.

Well, I suppose I could make a copy of it.

Well, I suppose I could make a copy of it.

Oh, that would be wonderful.

Yeah, it's, um... very nice meeting you, George.

Likewise.

What are you doing?

What?

Did-- Did you just double-dip that chip?

Did-- Did you just double-dip that chip?

Excuse me?

You double-dipped the chip.

Double-dipped? What are you talking about?

You dipped the chip, you took a bite...

and you dipped again.

So?

That's like putting your whole mouth

right in the dip.

Look, from now on,

when you take a chip,

just take one dip and end it.

Well, I'm sorry, Timmy,

Well, I'm sorry, Timmy,

but I don't dip that way.

Oh, you don't, huh?

No.

You dip the way you wanna dip...

I'll dip the way I wanna dip.

Give me the chip! Hey, hey! Hey!

Give-- Give me-- Give me the chip!

I don't know what I'm doing here.

I must be crazy.

Hey, would you mind switching seats?

Why?

Oh, I don't know,

I just like sitting to the left of people.

Makes me feel like I'm driving.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

How you doing?

Good.

How you doing?

Good.

Feel good.

You know, that Jayne Mansfield

had some big breasts.

Really big. Huge.

She was just coming out the top of her dress.

They were, like, choking her.

I hear that's how she died.

Yeah.

Have you noticed

that women today are, you know,

they seem bigger?

Well, a lot of women are having them done.

Really? Yeah.

How do you like that?

A lot of people ask me if I've had mine done.

Ah, you know, people.

It gets a little tiring.

It gets a little tiring.

It's really none of their business.

Oh, the nerve.

You know, some people have asked me

if you've, uh, done that.

What do you tell them?

Whatever you want me to tell them.

Well, I think you'll find out soon enough.

[LOUD THUMP]

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Aren't you gonna get that?

No.

Well, what if it's an emergency?

Oh, there's no emergencies.

Oh, there's no emergencies.

KRAMER: Jerry, come on!

It's an emergency!

Excuse me.

All right.

What is it?

You're interrupting.

Oh, well, you know, I'm, uh, I'm packing for Puerto Rico.

I need to borrow your bathing suit.

This is an emergency?

You need a bathing suit?

Well, I like yours.

I don't know-- My bathing suit?

That's a little familiar.

I don't want your-- your boys down there.

I don't want your-- your boys down there.

Now, what's the matter with my boys?

Your boys should stay in their neighborhood.

All right. Come on!

All right.

It's in the top drawer.

Hurry up.

Hi, Jer.

Oh, hi, Elaine.

Oh, hi, Sidra.

Hi. Elaine?

Uh... Hey.

Well, what are you doing here?

Well, what are you doing here?

I'm looking for Kramer.

Oh, uh, what's going on?

She was showing me pictures

of places I could visit when I go to Puerto Rico.

You know, when you two went?

Oh, yeah. All right. Well, just, uh....

You know, the--

Yeah, yeah. All right.

[DOOR SHUTS]

So where were we?

I was just leaving.

Right. You were leaving.

I can't believe you sent a woman

into the sauna to do that.

That was an accident!

I think you're both mentally ill.

Oh!

Oh!

And, by the way,

they're real, and they're spectacular.

BETSY: Stop it, George! Get out! Get out!

I never want to see you again!

FATHER JESSUP: Go back to New York!

Get out! Get out!

All right, sir.

Now, all I need is a death certificate,

and you'll be on your way.

Well, you see,

what happened was, um...

what happened was, um...

the doctor, the very same doctor

that was attending my late aunt suffered...

an untimely stroke

and, uh, lost the use of his right hand,

so, obviously, I was unable to get the death certificate.

Um, however, I-- I do have this.

What's this?

That's a picture of me next to the coffin.

WOMAN: Nice try.

GEORGE: Not even close, huh?

WOMAN: No.

WOMAN: No.

The cosmetic surgery procedures

that are available to people today--

Liposuction, are you familiar with this?

This is a fat-sucking machine.

Now, you know, somewhere, somebody is working on a way

that this thing could go into a restaurant.

And you could just order it off the menu:

"I'll tell you what. Give me the cheesecake.

"crank me up to nine,

and put a scoop of ice cream on the side."