Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:02,566
I don't belong
to a health club.
2
00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:04,800
I have a strict limit
on the number of naked men
3
00:00:04,833 --> 00:00:06,166
I need to see in one day...
4
00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:08,066
zero.
5
00:00:08,100 --> 00:00:09,633
That's it.
6
00:00:09,666 --> 00:00:11,200
What is with the high level
of security
7
00:00:11,233 --> 00:00:13,000
at the health clubs,
you know what I mean?
8
00:00:13,033 --> 00:00:14,300
The picture ID's,
the security guards,
9
00:00:14,333 --> 00:00:15,466
the people signing in and out.
10
00:00:15,500 --> 00:00:16,833
What is this, the Kremlin?
11
00:00:16,866 --> 00:00:18,466
I mean, the people
that have a membership
12
00:00:18,500 --> 00:00:19,800
go twice a year.
13
00:00:19,833 --> 00:00:21,700
Who's breaking in?
14
00:00:21,733 --> 00:00:25,333
Is this a big problem,
people stealing exercise?
15
00:00:26,666 --> 00:00:28,466
And what if they catch
the person? What then?
16
00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:30,000
They run. It's aerobic.
Makes it even worse.
17
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,566
They run. It's aerobic.
Makes it even worse.
18
00:00:39,533 --> 00:00:40,500
Hi, Jerry.
19
00:00:40,533 --> 00:00:41,633
Oh, hi, Sidra.
20
00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:43,066
I usually last
about 10 minutes
21
00:00:43,100 --> 00:00:44,466
on the StairMaster.
22
00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:46,500
Unless, of course, if someone's
stretching in front of me
23
00:00:46,533 --> 00:00:48,466
in a leotard,
then I can go an hour.
24
00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:49,566
Really?
25
00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:51,200
That's why they call it
the StairMaster.
26
00:00:51,233 --> 00:00:52,400
You get up there
and stare.
27
00:00:52,433 --> 00:00:55,066
Well, I'm done.
28
00:00:55,100 --> 00:00:56,900
I think I'm gonna
go take a sauna.
29
00:00:56,933 --> 00:00:59,033
All right, I'll see you
Thursday night, right?
30
00:00:59,066 --> 00:01:00,566
Thursday night.
Okay.
31
00:01:02,700 --> 00:01:03,666
Good workout?
32
00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:03,867
Tremendous workout.
33
00:01:03,867 --> 00:01:06,000
Tremendous workout.
34
00:01:07,166 --> 00:01:08,533
She's a pretty girl.
35
00:01:08,566 --> 00:01:10,133
Tremendous girl.
36
00:01:10,166 --> 00:01:11,133
She's the one
37
00:01:11,166 --> 00:01:12,633
you went out with
last night?
38
00:01:12,666 --> 00:01:13,966
Yeah.
I really like her.
39
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:17,433
You know, uh...
they're fake.
40
00:01:18,933 --> 00:01:20,733
What? Don't say that.
41
00:01:20,766 --> 00:01:21,733
Yeah,
they're fake.
42
00:01:21,766 --> 00:01:23,233
How do you know?
43
00:01:23,266 --> 00:01:24,500
I can tell.
44
00:01:24,533 --> 00:01:25,733
You know how
you're always bragging
45
00:01:25,766 --> 00:01:27,366
how you can
spot a lesbian?
46
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,300
I'm not bragging.
47
00:01:29,333 --> 00:01:31,166
I happen to have
a very keen lesbian eye.
48
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:33,700
Hi. How you doing?
49
00:01:33,733 --> 00:01:33,867
Oh, right.
50
00:01:33,867 --> 00:01:35,333
Oh, right.
51
00:01:36,533 --> 00:01:38,033
Come on.
Don't you think they seem
52
00:01:38,066 --> 00:01:40,300
just a bit
too perfect?
53
00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:42,400
Yes, they do.
54
00:01:42,433 --> 00:01:43,966
I never knew
55
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:45,466
you were
so into breasts.
56
00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:46,833
I thought
you were a leg man.
57
00:01:46,866 --> 00:01:48,833
A leg man? Why would I
be a leg man?
58
00:01:48,866 --> 00:01:51,000
I don't need legs.
I have legs.
59
00:01:52,733 --> 00:01:55,000
Have you ever seen her naked
in the locker room?
60
00:01:55,033 --> 00:01:56,300
No.
61
00:01:56,333 --> 00:01:57,900
Oh, well, then I can't
accept your testimony.
62
00:01:57,933 --> 00:01:59,133
Maybe if you'd
seen her naked.
63
00:01:59,166 --> 00:02:00,366
I don't wanna
see her naked.
64
00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:01,966
Well, I do.
65
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,466
Well, that's
your problem.
66
00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:03,867
Look, you made
the allegation.
67
00:02:03,867 --> 00:02:05,066
Look, you made
the allegation.
68
00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:06,666
The least you could do
is follow up.
69
00:02:06,700 --> 00:02:08,066
Oh, Jerry,
what am I gonna do?
70
00:02:08,100 --> 00:02:09,166
I'm gonna go in there,
71
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:10,900
I'm gonna spy on her
in the sauna?
72
00:02:10,933 --> 00:02:12,066
Yes.
73
00:02:12,100 --> 00:02:13,133
Go in there,
74
00:02:13,166 --> 00:02:14,866
do a little
investigative journalism.
75
00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:16,300
I need to know.
76
00:02:16,333 --> 00:02:19,466
But a few more dates,
you can find out for yourself.
77
00:02:19,500 --> 00:02:20,466
Don't be so sure.
78
00:02:20,500 --> 00:02:21,466
Look at George.
79
00:02:21,500 --> 00:02:23,133
He's on his ninth date
with Betsy,
80
00:02:23,166 --> 00:02:24,500
he still hasn't gotten
anywhere with her.
81
00:02:24,533 --> 00:02:25,800
What's his problem?
82
00:02:25,833 --> 00:02:28,000
Every time he tries to make
a move, something screws up.
83
00:02:28,033 --> 00:02:29,866
On their last date,
they were on the couch,
84
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:31,533
but she was sitting
on his wrong side.
85
00:02:31,566 --> 00:02:32,533
"Wrong side"?
86
00:02:32,566 --> 00:02:33,867
Yeah,
she was on his right side.
87
00:02:33,867 --> 00:02:33,966
Yeah,
she was on his right side.
88
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,333
He can't make a move
with his left hand.
89
00:02:36,366 --> 00:02:37,533
He can't go left.
90
00:02:37,566 --> 00:02:38,866
He can't go left?
91
00:02:38,900 --> 00:02:39,900
No.
92
00:02:39,933 --> 00:02:41,966
I'm lefty, can't go right.
93
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:45,033
What about women,
do they go left or right?
94
00:02:45,066 --> 00:02:47,900
No,
we just play defense.
95
00:02:52,066 --> 00:02:53,100
Oh!
96
00:03:10,033 --> 00:03:11,833
Can I ask you
a question?
97
00:03:11,866 --> 00:03:15,133
Would you mind
switching seats?
98
00:03:15,166 --> 00:03:16,833
Oh.
99
00:03:16,866 --> 00:03:19,666
Actually, I'd really
prefer to sit here.
100
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,666
I don't hear very well
out of this ear,
101
00:03:22,700 --> 00:03:25,366
so I, um...
102
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:28,266
always try to sit
to the right of people.
103
00:03:29,333 --> 00:03:30,666
I'll shout.
104
00:03:32,033 --> 00:03:33,666
Well, I really think
105
00:03:33,700 --> 00:03:33,867
I feel
more comfortable here.
106
00:03:33,867 --> 00:03:34,966
I feel
more comfortable here.
107
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,500
Come on.
Come on.
108
00:03:36,533 --> 00:03:37,633
Come on, really.
Come on.
109
00:03:37,666 --> 00:03:38,800
George!
No, come on.
110
00:03:38,833 --> 00:03:40,066
No, I really--
Come on.
111
00:03:47,666 --> 00:03:50,466
See, now,
is that so bad?
112
00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:51,500
What?
113
00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:53,733
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
114
00:03:53,766 --> 00:03:54,966
Oh, the machine
will get it.
115
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,200
Oh, no, no,
it's not on.
116
00:03:56,233 --> 00:03:57,966
They'll call back.
117
00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,800
But, George, what if
it's an emergency?
118
00:03:59,833 --> 00:04:02,700
In the whole world right now,
there's maybe three emergencies.
119
00:04:02,733 --> 00:04:03,867
Why would you think,
on this entire planet,
120
00:04:03,867 --> 00:04:04,500
Why would you think,
on this entire planet,
121
00:04:04,533 --> 00:04:05,833
that you're one
of those three?
122
00:04:05,866 --> 00:04:07,833
George, please.
123
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,000
Hello.
124
00:04:13,033 --> 00:04:14,000
What?
125
00:04:14,033 --> 00:04:16,000
Oh, my God!
126
00:04:17,500 --> 00:04:20,566
All right,
maybe four.
127
00:04:23,066 --> 00:04:25,466
ELAINE:
Boy... I'm really sweating.
128
00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:29,000
Good sweat, beads of sweat,sweating bullets.
129
00:04:29,033 --> 00:04:30,866
Look at her.
130
00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:33,867
I don't need to see her nakedto know those aren't real.
131
00:04:33,867 --> 00:04:34,000
I don't need to see her nakedto know those aren't real.
132
00:04:34,033 --> 00:04:36,733
Why'd she even tie the towelaround her?
133
00:04:36,766 --> 00:04:39,400
She's got a rack on her chest.
134
00:04:41,266 --> 00:04:42,900
Oh, God.
135
00:04:42,933 --> 00:04:45,166
Sidra's taking the towel off.
136
00:04:46,500 --> 00:04:49,133
Whoa, doctor!
137
00:04:49,166 --> 00:04:50,566
That's it.
138
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,733
I knew it. I knew it.They're definitely fake.
139
00:04:53,766 --> 00:04:56,100
So when's
the funeral?
140
00:04:57,266 --> 00:04:58,400
Well...
141
00:04:58,433 --> 00:05:00,633
Aunt Clarisse
was so ill,
142
00:05:00,666 --> 00:05:03,867
I-- I guess
it was really a blessing.
143
00:05:03,867 --> 00:05:04,100
I-- I guess
it was really a blessing.
144
00:05:12,333 --> 00:05:14,833
Yeah, I'll fly home
as soon as I can.
145
00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:22,700
Okay.
146
00:05:22,733 --> 00:05:25,666
You too. Get some sleep.
147
00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:33,466
JERRY:
You sure?
148
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:33,867
Positive.
149
00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:34,633
Positive.
150
00:05:34,666 --> 00:05:37,166
This chick's playing
with Confederate money.
151
00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,133
Well, then, that's it.
That's the end of that.
152
00:05:39,166 --> 00:05:40,200
What, just because
of that?
153
00:05:40,233 --> 00:05:41,633
"Just because
of that?"
154
00:05:41,666 --> 00:05:44,066
It's like finding out
Mickey Mantle corked his bat.
155
00:05:44,100 --> 00:05:46,166
Oh, come on.
156
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:48,233
You've dated women
with nose jobs.
157
00:05:48,266 --> 00:05:49,466
What's the difference?
158
00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:51,466
You don't touch the nose,
159
00:05:51,500 --> 00:05:54,800
you don't aspire
to reach the nose,
160
00:05:54,833 --> 00:05:56,900
you don't unhook anything
to get to a nose,
161
00:05:56,933 --> 00:06:00,366
and no man has ever tried
to look up a woman's nostrils.
162
00:06:03,166 --> 00:06:03,867
You've put a lot of thought
into this, haven't you?
163
00:06:03,867 --> 00:06:06,066
You've put a lot of thought
into this, haven't you?
164
00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:07,800
Well, I take it
very seriously.
165
00:06:07,833 --> 00:06:11,133
You know,
sometimes when I think
166
00:06:11,166 --> 00:06:13,166
you're the shallowest man
I've ever met,
167
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,866
you somehow manage to drain
a little more out of the pool.
168
00:06:17,933 --> 00:06:18,900
Hey.
Hey.
169
00:06:18,933 --> 00:06:20,166
Hey.
170
00:06:22,166 --> 00:06:23,200
Hey.
Hey.
171
00:06:23,233 --> 00:06:24,866
You know, I do
kind of wonder
172
00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:26,200
what fake breasts
feel like.
173
00:06:26,233 --> 00:06:28,633
Well, I know
what they feel like.
174
00:06:28,666 --> 00:06:29,900
You? How do you know?
175
00:06:29,933 --> 00:06:31,133
Well, I lived
in Los Angeles
176
00:06:31,166 --> 00:06:32,966
for three months.
177
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:33,867
I thought you hated Los Angeles.
178
00:06:33,867 --> 00:06:35,300
I thought you hated Los Angeles.
179
00:06:35,333 --> 00:06:36,533
No, I do.
180
00:06:36,566 --> 00:06:38,300
I just miss the warm weather,
you know?
181
00:06:38,333 --> 00:06:40,966
Jeez. Oh, man.
I wish I could get away.
182
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,800
Real busy now,
down at the office?
183
00:06:42,833 --> 00:06:44,966
No. Huh?
184
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:46,733
Know who I saw
at the health club?
185
00:06:46,766 --> 00:06:47,966
Salman Rushdie.
186
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:48,966
[LAUGHING]
187
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,133
I-- no, I...
188
00:06:50,166 --> 00:06:53,133
Yeah, right.
Salman Rushdie.
189
00:06:53,166 --> 00:06:54,400
Ah, well,
I could see that.
190
00:06:54,433 --> 00:06:56,466
You got five million
Moslems after you,
191
00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:58,566
you want to stay
in pretty good shape.
192
00:06:59,666 --> 00:07:01,133
GEORGE:
I know what the problem is.
193
00:07:01,166 --> 00:07:02,200
I like her too much.
194
00:07:02,233 --> 00:07:03,867
That's why I can't make a move.
195
00:07:03,867 --> 00:07:03,966
That's why I can't make a move.
196
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,800
You put her
on a pedestal.
197
00:07:05,833 --> 00:07:08,700
I put them
on a dental chair.
198
00:07:08,733 --> 00:07:11,200
He puts them
on a dental chair.
199
00:07:11,233 --> 00:07:12,700
I'm not her boyfriend.
200
00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:14,966
I want to be her boyfriend.
201
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:16,300
Whew.
202
00:07:16,333 --> 00:07:18,733
It's like a sauna in here.
203
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:25,800
That's funny.
That's funny.
204
00:07:25,833 --> 00:07:28,466
You're a funny guy.
I never heard that before.
205
00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:29,666
So you going
to the funeral?
206
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,400
Why, do you think I should?
207
00:07:31,433 --> 00:07:32,466
What,
are you kidding?
208
00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:33,466
It's a golden
opportunity
209
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:33,867
to advance
the relationship.
210
00:07:33,867 --> 00:07:34,533
to advance
the relationship.
211
00:07:34,566 --> 00:07:35,633
She's crying,
212
00:07:35,666 --> 00:07:36,833
you put your arm
around her
213
00:07:36,866 --> 00:07:38,033
and console her.
214
00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:39,366
You're
the consolation guy.
215
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,533
I'm the consolation guy?
216
00:07:41,566 --> 00:07:44,233
Consolation guy
is big.
217
00:07:44,266 --> 00:07:45,633
Her aunt dying
is the best thing
218
00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:46,733
that ever happened
to you.
219
00:07:46,766 --> 00:07:49,500
It's like 10 dates in one shot.
220
00:07:49,533 --> 00:07:51,466
This confers
upon you
221
00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:53,566
instant boyfriend
status.
222
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:54,800
The family's there,
223
00:07:54,833 --> 00:07:56,300
you're taking care
of things,
224
00:07:56,333 --> 00:07:57,800
you're getting
the sandwiches.
225
00:07:57,833 --> 00:07:59,366
You're the rock.
226
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:02,000
It's in Detroit, though.
It's an expensive flight.
227
00:08:02,033 --> 00:08:03,867
Why don't you get
a death-in-the-family fare?
228
00:08:03,867 --> 00:08:05,300
Why don't you get
a death-in-the-family fare?
229
00:08:05,333 --> 00:08:07,000
What?
230
00:08:07,033 --> 00:08:09,133
You go
to the airlines,
231
00:08:09,166 --> 00:08:10,466
you tell them
that you have
232
00:08:10,500 --> 00:08:11,566
a death
in the family,
233
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:13,333
they give you 50 percent
off the fare.
234
00:08:13,366 --> 00:08:14,333
Really?
235
00:08:14,366 --> 00:08:15,633
In fact...
236
00:08:15,666 --> 00:08:17,166
listen, I'll go down there
with you.
237
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,366
You know, we'll tell them
there's a death in my family.
238
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:20,966
You buy the ticket,
I'll split it. Huh?
239
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,700
Then I'll get
the bonus miles,
240
00:08:22,733 --> 00:08:25,733
and you'll get to Detroit
for a quarter of the price.
241
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:29,566
ELAINE:
Boy, I'm gettinga good sweat here.
242
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:32,300
Great sweat.Good beads, nice beads.
243
00:08:32,333 --> 00:08:33,867
Oh, look who's here...
244
00:08:33,867 --> 00:08:35,066
Oh, look who's here...
245
00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:37,600
Silicon Valley.
246
00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:41,700
Oh, uh, so anyway,
we go out on one date,
247
00:08:41,733 --> 00:08:43,300
and he asks me out
for a second,
248
00:08:43,333 --> 00:08:44,633
and then,
out of nowhere,
249
00:08:44,666 --> 00:08:46,133
he says calls me,
cancels the date,
250
00:08:46,166 --> 00:08:47,900
and he doesn't want to
see me again.
251
00:08:47,933 --> 00:08:49,833
Oh!
252
00:08:49,866 --> 00:08:52,633
I'm sorry.
I couldn't help overhearing.
253
00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:54,133
Oh, that's okay.
254
00:08:54,166 --> 00:08:55,566
Did he give you a reason?
255
00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:56,800
Yeah.
256
00:08:56,833 --> 00:08:58,666
He's going back
to his old girlfriend.
257
00:08:58,700 --> 00:09:00,500
Really?
258
00:09:00,533 --> 00:09:02,600
Said
she's mentally ill.
259
00:09:05,033 --> 00:09:06,466
He's one
of those guys
260
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:07,633
who is obsessed
261
00:09:07,666 --> 00:09:09,133
with neatness
and order.
262
00:09:09,166 --> 00:09:11,800
Everything has
got to be just so.
263
00:09:11,833 --> 00:09:13,700
He would've made
a great Nazi.
264
00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:19,800
Hey, does he ever
talk about Superman?
265
00:09:19,833 --> 00:09:21,800
Yes! How
did you know?
266
00:09:21,833 --> 00:09:23,966
Oh, I know the type.
267
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,300
Oh, so you can
relate?
268
00:09:25,333 --> 00:09:26,500
Oh, yeah.
269
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,500
You know, I've seen you
around the club.
270
00:09:28,533 --> 00:09:31,000
My name's Sidra.
This is Marcy.
271
00:09:31,033 --> 00:09:32,000
Oh, hi.
272
00:09:32,033 --> 00:09:33,233
I'm Elaine.
273
00:09:39,733 --> 00:09:41,533
So, anyway, I stood up
to shake her hand
274
00:09:41,566 --> 00:09:43,300
and then, suddenly,
I lost my balance.
275
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:45,066
I fell right into her.
276
00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:46,400
You fell on her?
277
00:09:46,433 --> 00:09:48,333
I touched them.
278
00:09:49,666 --> 00:09:51,466
You what?
279
00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:52,866
I...
280
00:09:52,900 --> 00:09:55,333
touched them.
281
00:09:55,366 --> 00:09:56,733
You touched them?
282
00:09:56,766 --> 00:09:58,833
I needed them to help me
break my fall!
283
00:09:58,866 --> 00:10:00,833
If it wa--
If it hadn't have been for them,
284
00:10:00,866 --> 00:10:03,666
I could've really
injured myself.
285
00:10:05,233 --> 00:10:06,284
Wow.
286
00:10:06,284 --> 00:10:06,566
Wow.
287
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:07,633
Anyway, uh...
288
00:10:07,666 --> 00:10:09,666
they're real.
289
00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:13,400
Excuse me?
290
00:10:13,433 --> 00:10:15,900
I think
they might be real.
291
00:10:15,933 --> 00:10:17,400
Oh, what
do you know?
292
00:10:17,433 --> 00:10:19,366
You have no breast-touching
experience.
293
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:20,733
I've touched mine.
294
00:10:20,766 --> 00:10:23,066
So have I.
295
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:26,233
Oh, right.
I forgot.
296
00:10:28,533 --> 00:10:30,666
Anyway, touching
two breasts
297
00:10:30,700 --> 00:10:32,366
doesn't make you
an expert.
298
00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:34,366
All right, well, anyway,
I think they're real,
299
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,284
and if they are,
I must say,
300
00:10:36,284 --> 00:10:36,300
and if they are,
I must say,
301
00:10:36,333 --> 00:10:37,700
they are...
302
00:10:37,733 --> 00:10:39,333
spectacular.
303
00:10:40,566 --> 00:10:43,833
What are you doing to me?
304
00:10:46,433 --> 00:10:47,866
[SNIFFLES]
305
00:10:47,900 --> 00:10:52,033
You see, my friend here,
his aunt passed away last night.
306
00:10:52,066 --> 00:10:53,800
Oh, I'm very sorry.
307
00:10:53,833 --> 00:10:54,966
I saw her last week.
308
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,300
She looked healthy
and peaceful, but...
309
00:10:57,333 --> 00:10:59,333
[CHOKING UP]
...she knew.
310
00:10:59,366 --> 00:11:00,733
You poor thing.
311
00:11:00,766 --> 00:11:02,133
I...
312
00:11:02,166 --> 00:11:05,300
You don't think you could
buy the ticket yourself?
313
00:11:05,333 --> 00:11:06,284
Oh. No, no, no. Okay.
314
00:11:06,284 --> 00:11:06,733
Oh. No, no, no. Okay.
315
00:11:06,766 --> 00:11:08,300
All right. No. Please.
[HEAVING, SOBBING]
316
00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:09,900
There, there, there.
You sit.
317
00:11:09,933 --> 00:11:12,300
I'll purchase the ticket
for you.
318
00:11:12,333 --> 00:11:14,133
TICKET CLERK:
You're a good friend.
319
00:11:14,166 --> 00:11:15,700
I understand
you offer
320
00:11:15,733 --> 00:11:18,700
a 50 percent-off
bereavement fare?
321
00:11:18,733 --> 00:11:21,800
Yes. All you have to do
is pay the full fare now,
322
00:11:21,833 --> 00:11:23,533
then return
to any one of our counters
323
00:11:23,566 --> 00:11:25,133
with a copy
of the death certificate,
324
00:11:25,166 --> 00:11:28,733
and we'll refund
half your fare.
325
00:11:28,766 --> 00:11:30,300
The-- the...
[MUTTERING UNINTELLIGIBLY]
326
00:11:30,333 --> 00:11:32,466
The death certificate?
327
00:11:32,500 --> 00:11:33,966
Yes, we do need documentation
328
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,284
or, you know,
people could take advantage.
329
00:11:36,284 --> 00:11:36,800
or, you know,
people could take advantage.
330
00:11:36,833 --> 00:11:41,133
What kind of a sick person
would do a thing like that?
331
00:11:41,166 --> 00:11:43,033
I know, but it happens.
332
00:11:43,066 --> 00:11:45,233
You want my friend
to ask his uncle,
333
00:11:45,266 --> 00:11:48,233
a man who just lost his wife
of 44 years,
334
00:11:48,266 --> 00:11:49,466
for a death certificate,
335
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:51,633
so that he can save a few bucks
on a flight?
336
00:11:51,666 --> 00:11:54,900
That would be $387
round trip.
337
00:11:54,933 --> 00:11:55,900
All right,
so you'll need
338
00:11:55,933 --> 00:11:56,900
my frequent flyer
number, huh?
339
00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:59,000
Yes.
340
00:12:01,666 --> 00:12:02,700
I don't know.
341
00:12:02,733 --> 00:12:03,900
One minute,
you're sure they're fake.
342
00:12:03,933 --> 00:12:05,300
The next minute,
you think they're real.
343
00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:06,284
I don't know
what to believe.
344
00:12:06,284 --> 00:12:06,500
I don't know
what to believe.
345
00:12:06,533 --> 00:12:07,700
Hey,
of the two of us,
346
00:12:07,733 --> 00:12:10,900
I'm the only one
who's touched them.
347
00:12:12,066 --> 00:12:13,466
But you were just
grabbing onto them
348
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:14,466
to save your life.
349
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:15,466
If you were drowning
350
00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:17,033
and I threw you
a life preserver,
351
00:12:17,066 --> 00:12:19,300
you think could you tell me
if it was an inflatable?
352
00:12:19,333 --> 00:12:20,466
I wouldn't have said anything
353
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:22,233
if I knew you were gonna stop
seeing her.
354
00:12:22,266 --> 00:12:24,033
Well, I don't mind someone
with a phony personality,
355
00:12:24,066 --> 00:12:26,100
but I got to draw the line
somewhere.
356
00:12:27,433 --> 00:12:28,466
Hey.
Hey.
357
00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:30,300
George off
to Detroit?
358
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:34,333
Yep, and in two days,
I'm off to Puerto Rico.
359
00:12:34,366 --> 00:12:36,284
Hey, Kramer, by the way,
360
00:12:36,284 --> 00:12:36,466
Hey, Kramer, by the way,
361
00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:38,966
I saw that guy
at the health club.
362
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,500
That is not Salman Rushdie.
363
00:12:40,533 --> 00:12:42,333
Pfft! Wrong.
364
00:12:44,366 --> 00:12:45,566
There's Sidra.
365
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:46,800
There's Salman.
366
00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:48,133
Where?
Talking to that woman.
367
00:12:48,166 --> 00:12:49,533
Talking to Sidra?
368
00:12:49,566 --> 00:12:51,133
If that's Sidra,
she's talking to Salman.
369
00:12:51,166 --> 00:12:52,400
I don't think that's Salman.
370
00:12:52,433 --> 00:12:53,633
Well, I don't think
they're real.
371
00:12:53,666 --> 00:12:54,800
If that's Rushdie,
they're real.
372
00:12:54,833 --> 00:12:56,033
If they're real,
that's Rushdie.
373
00:12:56,066 --> 00:12:57,633
Well, I gotta know.
I'm talking to Sidra.
374
00:12:57,666 --> 00:12:59,000
I gotta know.
I'm talking to Salman.
375
00:13:00,866 --> 00:13:03,833
Boy, it's like
a sauna in here, huh?
376
00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:06,284
I feel like
I'm back at the desert.
377
00:13:06,284 --> 00:13:09,000
I feel like
I'm back at the desert.
378
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:14,466
You've lived
in the desert?
379
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:16,133
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I've, uh...
380
00:13:16,166 --> 00:13:18,966
I spent a little time
in the Mideast.
381
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,466
Hmm...
382
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,466
You ever been
to the Mideast?
383
00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:23,900
Yes,
I've been there.
384
00:13:23,933 --> 00:13:26,466
Look,
my name's Kramer.
385
00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:27,466
Sal Bass.
Yeah.
386
00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:30,800
Pleased
to meet you, Kramer.
387
00:13:30,833 --> 00:13:33,133
So, um...
388
00:13:33,166 --> 00:13:36,284
What kind of work
do you do?
389
00:13:36,284 --> 00:13:36,366
What kind of work
do you do?
390
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,866
I'm a writer.
391
00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:43,700
Have you met my boyfriend,
George?
392
00:13:43,733 --> 00:13:45,466
Uh, no.
393
00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:47,133
George,
this is Aunt May
394
00:13:47,166 --> 00:13:49,300
and Father Jessup.
395
00:13:49,333 --> 00:13:50,800
Oh, and that's
my brother Timmy.
396
00:13:50,833 --> 00:13:53,633
This is my boyfriend,
George.
397
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,466
Oh, George, how nice of you
to come all this way.
398
00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:58,400
Well,
I'm the boyfriend.
399
00:13:58,433 --> 00:14:00,133
Otherwise,
what's the point
400
00:14:00,166 --> 00:14:01,300
of being
the boyfriend?
401
00:14:01,333 --> 00:14:03,033
This is where
you have to be
402
00:14:03,066 --> 00:14:05,566
when you're
the boyfriend.
403
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:06,284
Betsy, dear, have you
had anything to eat?
404
00:14:06,284 --> 00:14:08,733
Betsy, dear, have you
had anything to eat?
405
00:14:08,766 --> 00:14:10,166
I'm not very hungry.
406
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,500
They have
some very nice snacks.
407
00:14:12,533 --> 00:14:15,400
I'm about to get
myself a snack.
408
00:14:15,433 --> 00:14:17,800
Oh, no, no, no.
You sit right here.
409
00:14:17,833 --> 00:14:20,166
I will get you
a nice snack.
410
00:14:24,366 --> 00:14:27,300
This is, uh,
my...
411
00:14:28,491 --> 00:14:30,691
third wake
this month.
412
00:14:30,724 --> 00:14:33,324
It never gets
any easier.
413
00:14:33,358 --> 00:14:36,284
Well, losing
a loved one is, uh...
414
00:14:36,284 --> 00:14:36,958
Well, losing
a loved one is, uh...
415
00:14:36,991 --> 00:14:38,291
I mean,
forget about it.
416
00:14:38,324 --> 00:14:39,758
Mm.
417
00:14:47,658 --> 00:14:48,958
You, um...
418
00:14:48,991 --> 00:14:51,191
you seem to be
419
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,324
of great comfort
to Betsy.
420
00:14:52,358 --> 00:14:53,458
We're very
appreciative.
421
00:14:53,491 --> 00:14:56,958
Oh, comfort,
"shmomfort."
422
00:14:56,991 --> 00:14:57,958
Listen, uh...
423
00:14:57,991 --> 00:15:01,291
Father, can I ask you
a question?
424
00:15:01,324 --> 00:15:05,158
In a terrible time
like this,
425
00:15:05,191 --> 00:15:06,284
who would I get
the death certificate from?
426
00:15:06,284 --> 00:15:08,224
who would I get
the death certificate from?
427
00:15:09,558 --> 00:15:10,791
KRAMER:
Oh, Jerry.
428
00:15:10,824 --> 00:15:12,958
Oh, how can you
be so sure?
429
00:15:12,991 --> 00:15:14,291
Jerry,
are you blind?
430
00:15:14,324 --> 00:15:15,324
He's a writer!
431
00:15:15,358 --> 00:15:18,291
He said his name
was Sal Bass.
432
00:15:18,324 --> 00:15:19,491
Bass, Jerry.
433
00:15:19,524 --> 00:15:21,724
Instead of salmon,
he went with bass.
434
00:15:23,091 --> 00:15:26,324
He just substituted
one fish for another.
435
00:15:26,358 --> 00:15:27,791
Look, you idiot,
436
00:15:27,824 --> 00:15:31,124
first of all,
it's Salman, not salmon.
437
00:15:31,158 --> 00:15:33,324
Jerry, Jerry,
you're missing the big picture!
438
00:15:33,358 --> 00:15:34,624
All right.
439
00:15:34,658 --> 00:15:36,284
Maybe it is,
but I've got to get ready.
440
00:15:36,284 --> 00:15:36,458
Maybe it is,
but I've got to get ready.
441
00:15:36,491 --> 00:15:37,891
Sidra's coming over
in a few minutes,
442
00:15:37,924 --> 00:15:38,891
so if you don't mind...
443
00:15:38,924 --> 00:15:40,958
Oh, well,
did you ask her?
444
00:15:40,991 --> 00:15:43,191
Yeah, I'm gonna
find out tonight.
445
00:15:43,224 --> 00:15:44,658
Ooh, yes. Indeed.
446
00:15:46,358 --> 00:15:48,824
Why do you need
a death certificate?
447
00:15:50,358 --> 00:15:52,491
Well, Dr. Allenwood,
um...
448
00:15:53,491 --> 00:15:55,658
I was hoping
to compile an...
449
00:15:56,891 --> 00:16:00,991
admittedly rudimentary
scrapbook of her life.
450
00:16:02,324 --> 00:16:06,124
Something that Betsy
could have and hold on to.
451
00:16:06,158 --> 00:16:06,284
Well, I suppose
I could make a copy of it.
452
00:16:06,284 --> 00:16:08,958
Well, I suppose
I could make a copy of it.
453
00:16:08,991 --> 00:16:10,624
Oh,
that would be wonderful.
454
00:16:10,658 --> 00:16:13,524
Yeah, it's, um...
very nice meeting you, George.
455
00:16:13,558 --> 00:16:14,558
Likewise.
456
00:16:29,658 --> 00:16:31,224
What are you doing?
457
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:33,291
What?
458
00:16:33,324 --> 00:16:36,284
Did-- Did you just
double-dip that chip?
459
00:16:36,284 --> 00:16:36,958
Did-- Did you just
double-dip that chip?
460
00:16:36,991 --> 00:16:38,391
Excuse me?
461
00:16:38,424 --> 00:16:39,891
You double-dipped the chip.
462
00:16:39,924 --> 00:16:41,691
Double-dipped?
What are you talking about?
463
00:16:41,724 --> 00:16:45,124
You dipped the chip,
you took a bite...
464
00:16:45,158 --> 00:16:47,491
and you dipped again.
465
00:16:49,691 --> 00:16:50,791
So?
466
00:16:50,824 --> 00:16:52,324
That's like putting
your whole mouth
467
00:16:52,358 --> 00:16:54,624
right in the dip.
468
00:16:54,658 --> 00:16:56,124
Look, from now on,
469
00:16:56,158 --> 00:16:58,124
when you take a chip,
470
00:16:58,158 --> 00:17:01,724
just take one dip
and end it.
471
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,284
Well, I'm sorry,
Timmy,
472
00:17:06,284 --> 00:17:08,491
Well, I'm sorry,
Timmy,
473
00:17:08,524 --> 00:17:10,991
but I don't dip
that way.
474
00:17:11,024 --> 00:17:12,324
Oh, you don't, huh?
475
00:17:12,358 --> 00:17:13,324
No.
476
00:17:13,358 --> 00:17:15,658
You dip the way
you wanna dip...
477
00:17:15,691 --> 00:17:17,058
I'll dip the way
I wanna dip.
478
00:17:17,091 --> 00:17:18,524
Give me the chip!
Hey, hey! Hey!
479
00:17:18,558 --> 00:17:19,891
Give-- Give me--
Give me the chip!
480
00:17:21,158 --> 00:17:22,524
I don't know
what I'm doing here.
481
00:17:22,558 --> 00:17:23,858
I must be crazy.
482
00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:39,191
Hey, would you mind
switching seats?
483
00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:40,191
Why?
484
00:17:40,224 --> 00:17:41,191
Oh, I don't know,
485
00:17:41,224 --> 00:17:43,024
I just like sitting
to the left of people.
486
00:17:43,058 --> 00:17:44,524
Makes me feel
like I'm driving.
487
00:17:44,558 --> 00:17:47,191
Okay.
488
00:17:51,058 --> 00:17:52,524
[SIGHS]
489
00:17:54,058 --> 00:17:55,524
How you doing?
490
00:17:55,558 --> 00:17:56,524
Good.
491
00:17:56,558 --> 00:17:57,858
How you doing?
492
00:17:57,891 --> 00:17:58,858
Good.
493
00:17:58,891 --> 00:18:00,524
Feel good.
494
00:18:02,991 --> 00:18:04,158
You know,
that Jayne Mansfield
495
00:18:04,191 --> 00:18:05,391
had some big breasts.
496
00:18:10,224 --> 00:18:12,191
Really big. Huge.
497
00:18:12,224 --> 00:18:14,191
She was just coming out
the top of her dress.
498
00:18:14,224 --> 00:18:15,224
They were, like,
choking her.
499
00:18:16,391 --> 00:18:18,224
I hear that's how
she died.
500
00:18:18,258 --> 00:18:20,358
Yeah.
501
00:18:21,424 --> 00:18:22,558
Have you noticed
502
00:18:22,591 --> 00:18:24,224
that women today
are, you know,
503
00:18:24,258 --> 00:18:25,691
they seem bigger?
504
00:18:25,724 --> 00:18:28,691
Well, a lot of women
are having them done.
505
00:18:28,724 --> 00:18:29,691
Really?
Yeah.
506
00:18:29,724 --> 00:18:31,691
How do you
like that?
507
00:18:31,724 --> 00:18:34,724
A lot of people ask me
if I've had mine done.
508
00:18:34,758 --> 00:18:36,191
Ah, you know,
people.
509
00:18:36,224 --> 00:18:36,284
It gets
a little tiring.
510
00:18:36,284 --> 00:18:37,958
It gets
a little tiring.
511
00:18:37,991 --> 00:18:39,291
It's really none
of their business.
512
00:18:39,324 --> 00:18:42,391
Oh, the nerve.
513
00:18:42,424 --> 00:18:43,858
You know, some people
have asked me
514
00:18:43,891 --> 00:18:45,858
if you've, uh,
done that.
515
00:18:45,891 --> 00:18:47,724
What do you
tell them?
516
00:18:47,758 --> 00:18:51,024
Whatever you want me
to tell them.
517
00:18:51,058 --> 00:18:54,924
Well, I think you'll
find out soon enough.
518
00:18:56,058 --> 00:18:58,224
[LOUD THUMP]
519
00:18:59,724 --> 00:19:01,824
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
520
00:19:01,858 --> 00:19:03,224
Aren't you
gonna get that?
521
00:19:03,258 --> 00:19:04,224
No.
522
00:19:04,258 --> 00:19:05,858
Well, what if
it's an emergency?
523
00:19:05,891 --> 00:19:06,284
Oh, there's no emergencies.
524
00:19:06,284 --> 00:19:07,358
Oh, there's no emergencies.
525
00:19:07,391 --> 00:19:08,558
KRAMER:
Jerry, come on!
526
00:19:08,591 --> 00:19:09,891
It's an emergency!
527
00:19:12,024 --> 00:19:13,758
Excuse me.
528
00:19:15,591 --> 00:19:16,558
All right.
529
00:19:16,591 --> 00:19:17,624
What is it?
530
00:19:17,658 --> 00:19:19,158
You're interrupting.
531
00:19:19,191 --> 00:19:21,358
Oh, well, you know, I'm, uh,
I'm packing for Puerto Rico.
532
00:19:21,391 --> 00:19:23,691
I need to borrow
your bathing suit.
533
00:19:23,724 --> 00:19:25,024
This is an emergency?
534
00:19:25,058 --> 00:19:26,391
You need
a bathing suit?
535
00:19:26,424 --> 00:19:27,758
Well, I like yours.
536
00:19:28,924 --> 00:19:30,991
I don't know--
My bathing suit?
537
00:19:31,024 --> 00:19:33,024
That's a little familiar.
538
00:19:33,058 --> 00:19:36,284
I don't want your--
your boys down there.
539
00:19:36,284 --> 00:19:37,824
I don't want your--
your boys down there.
540
00:19:42,058 --> 00:19:44,358
Now, what's the matter
with my boys?
541
00:19:44,391 --> 00:19:48,691
Your boys should stay
in their neighborhood.
542
00:19:48,724 --> 00:19:50,824
All right. Come on!
543
00:19:50,858 --> 00:19:51,858
All right.
544
00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:52,858
It's in
the top drawer.
545
00:19:52,891 --> 00:19:55,224
Hurry up.
546
00:19:55,258 --> 00:19:56,858
Hi, Jer.
547
00:19:56,891 --> 00:19:58,358
Oh, hi, Elaine.
548
00:19:58,391 --> 00:20:00,391
Oh, hi, Sidra.
549
00:20:00,424 --> 00:20:02,058
Hi. Elaine?
550
00:20:03,924 --> 00:20:05,224
Uh...
Hey.
551
00:20:05,258 --> 00:20:06,284
Well, what are you doing here?
552
00:20:06,284 --> 00:20:06,558
Well, what are you doing here?
553
00:20:06,591 --> 00:20:07,724
I'm looking
for Kramer.
554
00:20:07,758 --> 00:20:09,024
Oh, uh, what's going on?
555
00:20:09,058 --> 00:20:10,191
She was showing me pictures
556
00:20:10,224 --> 00:20:12,391
of places I could visit
when I go to Puerto Rico.
557
00:20:12,424 --> 00:20:13,624
You know,
when you two went?
558
00:20:13,658 --> 00:20:16,124
Oh, yeah. All right.
Well, just, uh....
559
00:20:16,158 --> 00:20:17,791
You know, the--
560
00:20:17,824 --> 00:20:18,991
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
561
00:20:19,024 --> 00:20:20,224
[DOOR SHUTS]
562
00:20:23,724 --> 00:20:25,191
So where were we?
563
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,691
I was just leaving.
564
00:20:26,724 --> 00:20:28,324
Right. You were leaving.
565
00:20:28,358 --> 00:20:29,691
I can't believe
you sent a woman
566
00:20:29,724 --> 00:20:32,524
into the sauna
to do that.
567
00:20:32,558 --> 00:20:33,658
That was an accident!
568
00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:35,624
I think you're both
mentally ill.
569
00:20:35,658 --> 00:20:36,284
Oh!
570
00:20:36,284 --> 00:20:37,558
Oh!
571
00:20:43,558 --> 00:20:45,391
And, by the way,
572
00:20:45,424 --> 00:20:48,658
they're real,
and they're spectacular.
573
00:20:50,024 --> 00:20:52,358
BETSY:
Stop it, George!
Get out! Get out!
574
00:20:52,391 --> 00:20:54,024
I never want
to see you again!
575
00:20:54,058 --> 00:20:55,458
FATHER JESSUP:
Go back to New York!
576
00:20:55,491 --> 00:20:57,191
Get out! Get out!
577
00:20:59,558 --> 00:21:00,524
All right, sir.
578
00:21:00,558 --> 00:21:02,191
Now, all I need
is a death certificate,
579
00:21:02,224 --> 00:21:04,524
and you'll be
on your way.
580
00:21:04,558 --> 00:21:05,791
Well, you see,
581
00:21:05,824 --> 00:21:06,284
what happened
was, um...
582
00:21:06,284 --> 00:21:08,124
what happened
was, um...
583
00:21:08,158 --> 00:21:11,124
the doctor,
the very same doctor
584
00:21:11,158 --> 00:21:14,224
that was attending
my late aunt suffered...
585
00:21:15,258 --> 00:21:16,691
an untimely stroke
586
00:21:16,724 --> 00:21:20,358
and, uh, lost the use
of his right hand,
587
00:21:20,391 --> 00:21:24,358
so, obviously, I was unable
to get the death certificate.
588
00:21:24,391 --> 00:21:27,224
Um, however, I--
I do have this.
589
00:21:28,724 --> 00:21:29,958
What's this?
590
00:21:29,991 --> 00:21:32,158
That's a picture of me
next to the coffin.
591
00:21:32,191 --> 00:21:34,324
WOMAN:
Nice try.
592
00:21:34,358 --> 00:21:35,391
GEORGE:
Not even close, huh?
593
00:21:35,424 --> 00:21:36,284
WOMAN:
No.
594
00:21:36,284 --> 00:21:37,391
WOMAN:
No.
595
00:21:41,424 --> 00:21:42,991
The cosmetic surgery procedures
596
00:21:43,024 --> 00:21:44,658
that are available to people
today--
597
00:21:44,691 --> 00:21:46,524
Liposuction,
are you familiar with this?
598
00:21:46,558 --> 00:21:49,124
This is a fat-sucking machine.
599
00:21:49,158 --> 00:21:51,324
Now, you know, somewhere,
somebody is working on a way
600
00:21:51,358 --> 00:21:54,391
that this thing
could go into a restaurant.
601
00:21:54,424 --> 00:21:56,358
And you could just
order it off the menu:
602
00:21:56,391 --> 00:21:57,958
"I'll tell you what.
Give me the cheesecake.
603
00:21:57,991 --> 00:21:59,358
"crank me up to nine,
604
00:21:59,391 --> 00:22:03,058
and put a scoop of ice cream
on the side."
40668
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese